Original subtitles

♪Translation: astrogirl, shuushuuma & ♪ XQ2☻

♪ Life is so sad,

♪ I have no one to kiss,

♪ love is not easy,

♪ but I don't want to miss.

♪ Out of this world

♪ I will fly to the moon,

♪ find me somebody

♪ to hug and kiss me soon.

"Area 51" Secret US Military Base

♪ Find me somebody

♪ to hug and kiss me soon.

Was the White House informed?

No, too risky, the President is mid election campaign.

This mustn't leak, it would cause global mass-hysteria.

We imposed a news blackout.

What does the Pentagon think is it dangerous?

General, I recommend Defcon 2.

Be careful, Sir.

Oh my God!

The fuck you looking at?

[ 300 years later ]

Regulator: Once our forefathers came from Earth to colonize Mars.

Today we return to Earth...

to annilihate its wretched inhabitants, once and for all.

Jens, my disciple, our vision has come true.

Earth is now ours.

Queen Metapha, we have no defenses left.

The attack caught us by surprise

Our fleet was completely destroyed.

How can that be?

They deciphered our shield's access code.

They can even monitor local calls. Mars is mobilized.

Majesty, we must surrender.

No, you can't do that!

Sorry.

The Martians will swarm over us like locusts.

Do you realise their advantage?

We can't just stick our head in the sand!

The Mars Regulator may be sitting on your throne in less than two hours.

There may be one last chance.

What do you mean?

Time travel.

That's irresponsible!

But time travel is forbidden!

I think we can turn a blind eye in this situation.

Please go on, Consul.

We must travel back to prevent the colonization of Mars.

Only then can we prevent this war.

That's absurd!

We don't even know if humans can survive time travel.

We haven't even tested the machine.

And we have no men left- who would take on this task?

I was thinking... the crew of the Surprise ship!

Oh my God! Does it have to be them?

♪ 'Cause we're so cute and so slick and so slim and so slender

♪ We'll be Miss Waikiki!

♪ And shower to the left, And shower to the right.

♪ And don't forget the soap!

♪ One more time?

♪ And five, six, seven, eight Five, six, seven, eight

♪ And touch and push, And touch and push.

♪ And towel to the left, And towel to the right.

♪ And don't forget the willy!

♪ Dry the willy to the beat.

You can't be serious!

We have no choice. They're our last hope.

Unless we have any volunteers?

Do you mean to say that the salvation of the world...

depends on this... "crew"?

If you ask me Senator Eric...

Yes.

We have no idea where the Surprise crew is.

We haven't heard from them in years.

Then we must find them.

There they are!

How'd they get so far off course?

Contact them, right away!

- They're in the middle of nowhere! - Is that a surprise?

Computer log No. 1 Dreamship Surprise, Captain Cork.

It's way too chilly for this stardate.

My 40 man crew is in good shape.

Only two have the sniffles. Guenther is blackboard monitor this week.

We might run out of stamps, in five months.

We must do something about that. But, not just yet.

Today we have our obligatory health check for the summer holidays.

I'm looking forward to having my temperature taken.

If it goes well, I'll have a nice schnitzel

with fries and ketchup, a small mixed salad

and to drink, a large Spezi. (cola & orange soda)

The same slog every year!

Mr. Spuok, it's bathing season in Honoluluin 2 weeks!

You need a flawless figure if you want to become Miss Waikiki!

- But it's hard on my intervertebral discs. - Since when do Vulcanettes have those?

- None of your business, you cow! - He's not even a purebred Vulcanette.

- I am so! - No, you're a mutt!

I am a Vulcanette Vulgaris.

We can live 400 years because we are related to Galapagos turtles!

- And what are you? - I'm the captain.

- You screwed your way to the top! - What's wrong with that?

Galapagos turtle! That's why your ass is so slow!

And you have a baboon's ass!

My, oh my!

- Well? - Well? - Well?

Your check-ups are, as usual, catastrophic.

Pulle speaking. What's up?

Hm... Captain, someone from Earth is trying to contact you.

- I'm not here. - He's not here.

Mr. Nasi should put the answering machine on.

Hear that?... Pulle out... Off you go! Get ready for the levitation test.

- Eugh! - Yeah!

We're having difficulties contacting the Surprise.

But you have their coordinates!

Sure, but, all we get is the answering machine.

- What? - What? - What?

We can reach them Monday to Friday from 4 to 5 pm.

Get that crew down here, our time's running out!

Yes, Sir!

What could they be doing up there?

- Nose picking and ball swinging! - Nose picking and ball swinging!

That's over now, starting today it's push ups and knee bends.

- He could do some himself. - M-hm!

Levitation test is now running!

♪ Schönen guten Tag ich denk an Liebe

♪ Schönen guten Tag ich...

Nothing... Those asses just won't move.

♪ Schönen guten Tag...

Oh my, what do we have here?

Better stick this somewhere safe before the captain snaps it up.

- Captain, why aren't we weightless? - Pulle, why aren't we weightless?

It's all the cheesecake and chocolates! You're too fat to float!

I used to float on a team!

I was the youngest in the floating marathon.

At 12 I got my freestyle floating badge

at 14 I won the Gold Floating Star

at the national youth floating competition in Swabia!

Stop your tooting!

I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods.

Adieu!

You know he has cellulitis?

- Eh, where? - In his quarters.

Hold on, it'll work, now.

Yeah, I'm floating!

Mr. Spuck, come on, it's lovely up here!

- Won't work. - No go; full blast, Pulle!

- Is that all you got? - Yeah, really, eh!

Forget it, I can't lift that fat Vulcanette.

Hey, what's that?

The nerve of some people!

- What's going on? - Yeah, really!

- Hi! - That's mine.

- Who left his roller skates here? - That one.

Miss Bora-Bora!

One more time, and there'll be no cheesecake for a week. And spit out your gum.

Mr. Nasi, report?

Mr. Spuck, did you understand what Mr. Nasi said?

Bora Bora stuck her tongue out at me.

OK, Nasi, that's no reason for alarm!

Ah, Captain, something's off,

someone's trying to send an emergency signal.

But it's really faint.

Emergency signal? Who'd do such a thing?

- Captain? - Careful, not too close!

The automatic control system shows a slight slip-factor.

They're using powerful pulse vibrations to get through to us.

Yeah, so?

Shall I let them in?

Never! We can't let that happen!

Maximum-speed!

Maximum-speed!

Ah, Captain, with respect, using Maximum-speed's kinda dumb.

- Why? - We've got rodent damage.

- Good; time to quit! - Captain?

What now?

I don't know what it is...

but it's coming directly at us.

Oh, it's insane, so much stress!

- Read it out. - Yeah.

Red alert?!

"Set course for Earth immediately."

"Report promptly to the government."

No way! We're in the middle of training for the Miss Waikiki contest.

We must set the right priorities, right Mr. Spuck?

- Ah, Captain? - What's up, Popovich?

Disobeying an order can get your holiday leave cancelled.

Majesty, we got a response from the Surprise.

Finally. What do they say?

"Need us to grab anything from the petrol station?"

- What do they mean by petrol station? - Perhaps it's in code.

When will they get here? We have less than an hour!

At maximum-speed it'd take 20 minutes, Sir.

But there's a problem.

- What problem? - They've got damage from rodents.

I understand. I've been trying to deal with that for some time.

I hope they don't try to beam.

At that distance they wouldn't survive.

Prepare to beam!

- Activate! - Activate!

To beam or not to beam the light will show you the spot!

Shoo!

- Scrappy, are you crazy? - Mutiny!

- In Honolulu you'll sleep in a single room! - Yeah, really!

It happens with Economy class beaming.

Economy?! Are you nuts? I'm the captain! Beam me with Business class!

The battery's too weak for business

Some idiot probably left the lights on again.

Shh, here he is.

Aha! Out with it.

- What is that? - Friendship rings.

From a D.A. I befriended. And I'll say no more.

Hey!

What do we have in our trousers?

- None of your business. - Trousers down.

- TROUSERS DOWN! - Fine!

- Radiation protection. - What for?

- Beaming always gets on my balls. - Captain, you can't beam like this!

Fine, YOU pay for the taxi!

What have you to report?

Hang on to your hair, Regulator!

Madam Metapha has a crazy plan!

The plan is...

The plan is...

the plan...

OK, I forgot plan.

Sorry, Regulator-man! Listen...

I'll write it on paper and call you back later. Ok?

Walkie talkie, man!

What was that? Since when do amateurs work for my empire?

My Regulator, he was on special offer at Rent-a-Spy.

We got this free cactus, too.

I can send the spy back.

Do that. But keep the cactus.

Yes, master.

Jens, my disciple, I have a mission for you.

What?

Find out what those Earth-worms are planning,

so I can finally crush them.

Ah, crushing is good!

Our ship needs renovating. Our ship needs renovating.

Our ship needs renovating.

- Our ship needs renovating. - Alright, already!

Just give her something.

Thanks. Save the whales! Find Nemo!

- Got your passport? - Sure.

- Closed the window? - Yeah, I even pulled down the blinds.

I told you not to do that. Everyone'll know we're not home!

- Still arguing? - Go away.

- There's something on your head. - It's my travelling hat.

- Why do you need a travelling hat? - If I'm paying the taxi, I'm coming too.

And what's that?

Jutta, my reading lamp. It saved my life once.

Oh god, what an old banger!

- Did you choose the cheapest one, hm? - I like it.

Did you order a taxi?

I did. Me. It was all my idea!

OK, which of you boys wanna ride in the back?

- Me! - Me! - Me!

I want the window seat!

- Say, are you glowing? - What?

- You're giving him the eyes. - No, I'm not.

- Oh, leave him. - Shut up and look out the window.

- So, where to? - Earth. City of Government.

- Oops, that'll be the higher tariff! - Why?

Right now, it's easier to do laser eye surgery in an earthquake

than to get there in one piece.

There's constant heavy artillery bombardment.

Oh, yeah, parachutes and life vests

are somewhere under your seats.

Maybe we should get out.

He's exaggerating his own importance.

No problem, fly on.

I'm expected by the leadership.

My name is Captain Cork; Capricorn.

And I'm Hermes, Messenger of the Gods.

And what is your name?

- My name's Rock. - Soft or Hard Rock?

Hold on, we're off!

- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah!

OK, ladies, you can now buy duty-free gods. Music, anyone?

- 'Course! - 'Course! - 'Course!

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

Come on.

♪ Fire salamander (So hot!)

♪ Spread your legs wider (Check it out!)

♪ Now close your legs again And out you go!

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-taxi to the sky.

♪ High, High...

What's the commotion?

OK, girls, party's over.

I'll report that sod! Scrappy, get the registration number!

Anyone got an ink eraser?

Why did I take it to the carwash yesterday?

Aah, stop it, now!

I'm getting stress acne!

Blow slowly, girls, or you'll get dizzy.

OK, now we have a real problem.

This is your captain speaking. Don't be alarmed at the shaking.

We lost our shields, one thruster's down and the plasma tank is leaking.

I noticed that, too. Your taxi's generally in poor cond....

Sit down, man!

At the roundabout, take a sharp right

You are approaching the exit.

- Thank God!

In 500 metres, turn right.

Now's a bad time!

We shoulda turned right!

C'mon, baby, don't leave me hanging!

Aahh!

- Could you cut the air conditioner? - Could you shut your mouth?

If possible, please make a u-turn. - Good idea.

Please wait.

Please hold the line.

Aah!

Aaahh!

You are nearing your destination.

Ensalata mista, baby!

Don't be foolish. Your city is surrounded.

My combat squadron will be operational in a few minutes.

If you haven't signed the unconditional surrender by then

I will annihilate you for good.

It's futile. We must surrender while we still have the chance.

You're right, we can't wait any longer for the crew of the Surprise.

That must be them!

Cheerio! Say cheese?

Inform the Queen, at once!

It was in style, back then.

- I can't read that. - Rock.

- Rock what? - Rock That's-It

Why That's-It?

My ex-wife's That's. I'm It: Rock That's it, that's all.

Thank you, Mr. That's it. You've done a great service.

Wait a moment, man! Who'll pay for my damages?

- A lick of paint, it'll be good as new. - Yeah, Pink Camouflage!

What?! That's a '45 Space Cruiser, lowrider with carbon hydrants,

and trace elements of Burmese titanium!

It accelerates to twice light-speed in less than 1.5 seconds!

Such a machine cannot be painted Pink Camouflage!

Be reasonable, Mr. That's-It.

We have other problems.

Oh, yeah? Your problems don't interest me!

All I know is my taxi's turned into a goddam scrap-heap

just to bring you these three bar-sluts!

Oh! I bet he's only this big.

OK, it's so simple: you boys pay for my damages and I'm outta here.

Until then...

I'll sit right here, on this chair.

I dunno about you, but I could use a coffee, now.

♪ Right now

♪ I wanna tell you something

♪ That that my love is so strong for you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I wanna make love to you

♪ I want you to want me to

♪ Come on, let's get it on

♪ Let's make a baby

♪ I don't wanna tell no lie

♪ I'm here for you to satisfy

♪ So then let's get it on

♪ Come on and let's make a baby tonight

♪ Let's make a baby

♪ tonight

- Chocolate? - Nooo!

- Mens' Chocolate from Rosetto. - The brand with the Rosette.

I'm...

not there yet.

- Who is that? - A taxi driver, whom we owe money.

Our speaker, now, is the...

Chairman of Earth's Intercontinental Security Council.

Majesty...

esteemed Senators,

300 years ago, on July 22, 2004 at 17:35 pm,

a UFO crashed in the Nevada desert.

In this UFO, scientists found information from a galaxy far, far away.

That knowledge enabled mankind to colonize Mars.

We could prevent the colonization of Mars and thus, this war,

by travelling to the year 2004

and destroying the UFO.

But how can the UFO be fully neutralised?

With this Swiss Army pocket-laser!

Excuse me,

what do you do for fun, here evenings?

Captain?

Yeah, right, absolutely! That's how I'd do it. - Good.

Then, you'll carry out this mission. - What?!

- This oughta be good! - Us? No way! - No way!

- Totally impossible! - We don't have the time.

We must prepare for the Miss Waikiki contest.

If you refuse this mission, there won't be a Miss Waikiki contest, ever!

Bring on the time machine!

- Scrappy, Spuck, follow me. - I want the window seat.

Shouldn't we tell them the machine hasn't been tested? - Shh, tsk, tsk...

Captain... you are our last hope.

Last hope?! I'd rather send a monkey.

Animal welfare wouldn't let us.

Put on these goggles. Time travel is damaging eyes.

The ignition key activates the machine.

Input your coordinates to set time and place.

Stop it or we'll leave you here!

Confirm your inputs with the green knob.

This button activates the countdown. The rest is in this book.

If you lose this, you'll never get back. And please don't waste energy.

- The user-manual! - Scrappy, what are you doing, we can't take you anywhere!

I'll get it!

Sir, the Mars Regulator is attacking with his whole combat squadron.

All exits are blocked!

- We must get you to a safe place. - But I can't leave...

No choice. Get on the time machine!

I'm staying here until you pay for my damages!

- Senator! - Majesty?

There's something you should know.

What is it?

I forgot my bra.

- Here. Take mine. - Thank you!

No problem.

Press the start button!

I got it!

Scrappy, get over here!

Think I'll find a better place to sit.

Yay, here we go!

Scrappy!

That will have bitter consequences! - Aww!

- What are you doing here? - I'm asking myself that too.

- You're screwing everything up! - I wish!

- Is the seat warmer on? - No, I was just sitting there.

Mr. Scrappy's sneaking off! Definitely a single room!

Hold tight, people. Goggles on!

- So glad to see you, Lord Maw. - Arselicker

What's that?

The Mens' Bitter-Chocolate from Rosetto. The brand with the Rosette.

- Thank you. Step away! - Yessir.

The Earth's Alliance Government Building was successfully taken over. - Excellent.

All politicians are locked in the utility room. - Extraordinary!

But Queen Metapha escaped in the time machine.

What? You should have paid more attention, you fool

Yes, certainly.

But we were able to seize the time machine's manual.

Goooood!

I'm going to go make a phone call.

Wow!

- The time machine works! - Unbelievable!

- Now we can... - Prevent my wedding! - What?

We could go to an Elvis concert!

The world is on the brink of disaster and you're thinking about Elvis?

Oh, I was just dreaming of football.

I dreamed I was a pastry chef

and I moulded a male defender out of marzipan.

Then, I stuck a lucky penny on him

and put him next to the tarts in the shop window.

- What country did you input? - I didn't input anything.

Captain, get up. Look, a pony!

Where are we?

We're in a petting zoo!

Dammit!

Oh my, hooligans everywhere!

22nd of July, 1304.

Yeah, well...close.

- That was some fine navigating! - I didn't do anything.

Then, it's time you did.

Keep calm, Princess. We'll soon be on our way.

My dear Romans,

we came from the future to save the world!

Come on, Spucky, take a photo.

Say cheeeeeese cake!

Sorcery! Get them!

I'm outta here!

Not good!

Who is he?

- Who? - Him!

Ah, I see. WHO IS HE?

Speak, you mangy son of a bitch!

What did you do to the woman?

Tell me, is he of noble lineage?

My name is Til Schweiger, I work as an actor to earn money.

Not much, just enough for a 2 week holiday each year.

What do YOU do all day, throne farter?

My Lord, he's lying.

This man is certainly no actor.

But he has guts.

I'm told he's a superb fighter.

There's an important tournament tomorrow.

My honor is at stake and my best rider

was run over on a crusade last week. Nasty things!

I'd put up warning signs, then.

Do we have warning signs?

No, Sire, but Maid Andrea has some spare crosses.

Yeah? Put up Andrea's Crosses!

Hey, great idea! Can I go now?

Because of him my subsitute rider fell off his horse.

So, he will have to win the tournament for me tomorrow.

If he succeeds, he is free.

If not, he and his friends die

and the woman is mine. Cheers!

But Sire!...

Only men of noble blood may take part in the competition.

That's right.

I hereby dub thee Sir Knight Rider from...

from Behind.

Regulator, those swines have gone to the past

to wipe out our existence.

This is bad news.

Yeah, sure. But I also have good news.

Continue.

In this book are the instructions for the time machine.

I converted my moped into one.

And does it work?

Absolutely, Master! Here's the proof.

I already got tomorrow's paper

Regulator Snaps Up Earth!

Man with Glasses Executed for High Treason, With Frying Pan. Poor sod!

They wrote nothing about me.

For this to work you must stop them!

Can you follow their time-route?

You bet.. I'll sniff them out with my Sniff-radar.

- Jens! - Master?

There's another thing you should know.

What?

Thirty years, or so, a baby came along

Without a socks, without a shoes. My dear Jens, that was you.

I don't follow my Regulator.

I... am your father!

Okay dad. Leave it to me. See ya!

Yep!

Aah!

♪

♪

The Duchess' dress suits you perfectly, by the way, Milady.

She wore it just yesterday while making out with the jester.

- You have a wife? - Had.

- Where is she now? - Hanging outside.

You hanged her outside? Why?

No gallows indoors, unfortunately.

Uhuh?

Two No. 33 pizzas for William the Last!

To the Knight from Behind, cheers!

Aaahh!

Aaahh!

- What's your sign? - Huh?

Your star sign. You must have a star sign.

- Err.. Virgo (virgin) - A virgin!

- A virgin? - Where? - Finally! Bring her here!

- No me! - I was here longer!

SHUT UP!

Virgo is very compatible with the Brimstone Butterfly.

- That's no star sign. - Sure it is...

in the Vulcanette horoscope. I happen to be a Brimstone.

We only have insects in our zodiac. Housefly, Tse-Tse-fly

Blowfly, Mayfly... or the Wasp!

- Shall I show you my family tree? - No, leave it.

- Show it to your boyfriend. - What? He's not my boyfriend.

He's just my captain. Without me he'd be totally lost.

- Besides, he has no idea what women want. - Neither do I. A guy has to be handsome...

Looks are not that important. Humour is what you need.

I have it! A doctor tells his patient: I have good and bad news.

The good news is, you have one day to live.

The bad news is, I forgot to tell you yesterday.

- Forgot... yesterday. - Yeah.

Not bad.

You wanna know the magic question that'll melt any woman's heart?

Will you go shopping with me?

Shopping?

And I always thought women had a thing for men who play the piano.

♪

Baby, I'm strollin' on top of the sky.

♪ Why don't you, don't you, don't you,

♪ Baby, come along with me?

♪ Why don't you come along with me?

For me, I'd only consider an open marriage.

I'd never marry again. My ex took everything.

My house, my dog, my job.

Even my hole-punch.

Oh my, you can't file anything!

Oh well... Let me show you something. Here!

My little pink pal; is all I have left.

My, you are a little piggy!

- Can I touch it? - Sure.

- Oh my, it's all shrivelled up! - Well, it hasn't been out for ages.

- Yeah, I can see that. - Come on, squeeze it.

- I want one too! - Come on, squeeze it harder.

My, what's it doing? Oh, where is it? Oh, there it is!

I don't want to make it pop.

Oh, it won't pop! Not even when my dog used to chew it.

The joust!

Two knights try to knock each other off their saddles with a lance.

If your friend hits the ground, he loses and we'll be married today.

I don't think we'd be good together.

- What? - How'd you sleep last night?

Not a wink.

Yes, can I imagine.

- What's that on your foot? - A shoe.

Where did you get it?

My cell mate had his leg chopped off for no reason last night.

I felt sorry for himand bought his shoe.

- Shut up, witches! - Witch, youself!

My worthy Lords, worthy Ladies, worthy peasants!

Our host is delighted you all showed up

A big hand for Duke William the Last from Shareholding!

Worthy Lords, worthy Ladies

The 4th son of Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle,

Third Count of Yorkshire Forest Wooden-Lancaster-Puddingham...

- It's Pettingham, you idiot! - Eugh... yeah!

The 4th son of Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle,

Third Count of Yorkshire Forest Wooden-Lancaster-"Pettingham",

Sir Richard Carsharing...

cannot join us today.

Yeah, yeah, the plague. But, filling in at short notice...

the mysterious Black Knight!

Facing him, under the crest of Duke William the Last

the Pink Knight from Behind!

I worked on that outfit all night, but it was worth it.

Got a screw loose, huh?

- Jens Maw! - Yes indeed!

I'll defeat the Pink Knight from Behind, for you.

Hyaah, faster you swine!

- You must cancel the tournament! - Too late.

If you're at all interested, Mr. Spuck, I'm not well.

I've had to go potty since last night, but they don't even have toilet paper.

Easy, you swine!

Yaaah!

Hold your lance higher, Rocky!

You have the hots. - No! - You called him Rocky!

Please believe me, if the Black Knight wins we're doomed!

- It's not the end of the world, Milady. - You have no idea!

Alright!

- I can't take it anymore, Mr. Spuck! - Me neither. That poor lovely outfit!

My bladder's about to explode and you act like a you're having a great time!

Rock!

- Didn't hurt at all. - Think about our future!

Don't worry, princess. I'll do this for you.

One more stroke of the lance Separates me from your underpants, Milady

Are you stupid, you aren't getting anywhere near there.

♪ Put your Lanze in the air, and rock it like you just don't care!

♪ Everybody say, oh yeah! Oh yeah!

♪ They asked me how I knew

♪ My true love was true.

♪ Ohh!

♪ I of course replied,

♪ "Something here inside

♪ cannot be denied.

Yeah

Yeah, let's get married! Where's the priest?

Wow. Hey, don't touch! Hands off!

- What are you up to? - A few fireworks for our wedding.

Oh, I know how you feel. I fell off my bunk bed when I was a kid.

Excuse me, he's lying on my bladder.

- Hey, wait! - What?

Oh Billy! Wanna make me happy?

Yeah, definitely!

Yeah! Higher, you swine!

- I'm ready, Billy-Boy. - Oh, yeah, that's good.

A little closer, my dear.

They're getting away! Put me down, assholes!

What a picture!

Stop!

- Come on baby, where's the cheesecake? - Here!

Cheeeeese cake!

Oh shit!

- They're gone! - William is a witch.

- Burn him! - YEAH!

So, now I'm off to paradise because I loved a pair o' thighs.

What happened?

You were unconscious. But we're here.

- Hey, stop pulling! - Whizz, whizz, pee-pee!

- Oh, look at that! - Oh thank God!

- Hurry, will you? - Yeah. Look, someone forgot his pants.

Harrngh! Man, it's heavy!

The wardrobe is going up in the bedroom.

Careful, this is our new sheriff's furniture.

- It all has to be perfect by tomorrow. - Sure thing, Mayor.

Oh, careful!

I was dreaming about football.

I was a defender made of marzipan.

Someone stuck a lucky penny to my head

and put me next to the tarts in the shop window.

- Who did that? - Some gay pastry chef.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Where are the other two? - Peeing.

Oh, that was close!

I wouldn't wish such a full bladder on Miss Bora-Bora.

I shouldn't have eaten so much asparagus. So, how do I look?

- I find this outfit totally old fashioned. - Pfft! Old fashioned?

In local dress, at least we won't stand out. - You're jingling.

I have a world to save! Watch, this is how you move in Nevada.

Shoulders up, let your hips sway.

Imagine, figure skating, and don't forget to breathe.

You try it.

Forget it!

(Sniff)

Ah, fresh asparagus tea!

It's still warm!

- Spucky. - I can't do this now.

- How far down is it? - I don't know.

- Then, please look. - I can't.

It's Nevada alright, but at the wrong time.

Can you fix the time machine?

- How, without the manual? - What do we do now?

First we find the girls.

I have a funny feeling, they're around here, somewhere.

For the last time, Mr. Spuck how far down is it?

- Forget it! - Aha! Being rebellious, now?

- It's the bad influence of that guy Rock! - You're just jealous! - Hah!

- Be careful, OK? - Hey! The princess is worried about me.

- What do you mean by that? - When a woman worries about a man...

I worry about our mission.

Oh, yeah? I worry about my taxi and the money you owe me.

What?

- We're stuck here without the time sofa! - You shoulda been more careful.

- Oh, so it's my fault? - I was unconscious. - That's so typical!

You have a jealous streak!

Look down, or I'll tell Rock that you have a green testicle.

Ohh! You tyrant!

Don't forget, I risked my neck for you!

Risk?! You kicked a leather ball in my face!

Without me, you'd be grilling on that pyre!

- Good morning. - 'Morning.

- Do you have a boyfriend? - What? - So you don't.

I'll tell you something. You like me.

This is not about you, got it?

Excuse me, can I have my sports section?

Mayor Roony!

Wrong!... To the left!

Mayor Roony!

A telegram from Roswell! It's horrible!

God help us!

The old sheriff is not yet cold...

and they're already coming back to town!

On the 12 o'clock train.

- They're back againnnn! - They're back againnnn!

♪ [Straight To Hell: Rage]

♪

♪ Straight to Hell

♪ ♪

- You have your mother's flabby ass! - This is the last time I'm taking you anywhere.

I'm never going anywhere with you again.

So what? There are plenty of people who'd love to go out with me!

Who, your ridiculous 'Rock'-a-bye-baby?

Yeah! Our knees touched, and I got the feeling he wanted it too.

Don't smirk, maybe next year I'll go on vacation with him to Mykonos!

Hah! You're not getting any time off, from me.

Sheriff Shorty? I thought you were coming tomorrow. Anyway, good luck!

You're taller than I expected.

Which one is the sheriff?

The one with the star, Jim.

- Then I'll save the world without you. - Forget it, you can't!

- I can, too! - Can not! - Can, too! - Can not!

- Can, too! - Can not! - Can, too! - Can not!

I don't believe this.

You can't, I have the Swiss pocket-laser.

Vulcanette idiot!

Hey, are you nuts?

Shorty's not as short as I recall.

Well, it's been 10 years, no? He's probably grown.

Ahh!...

Dammit!

Game over! Pappy will be delighted.

He's got a moped!

Oh no, not again.

Hyaah!

Ohh... shit!

What's wrong?

Ooo... Work, you stupid thing!

John, you get rid of the sheriff.

Jim, wash your hands and get in the Saloon.

Sorry, Johnny, I can't stay out to play.

It's all right. I found two new playmates already.

- Wipe your feet - Yeah, boss. - John, you have ten minutes.

We still need to sell a pub to the Apaches today.

- We come from... - Peaceful Village!

We are peace-loving Village People.

Ladies and Señoritas!

From Medicine Bow, Wyoming, it's your host tonight: Mr. Santa Maria!

- Isn't he gorgeous? - I'm your biggest fan!

Ladies, welcome to "Santa at Noon"! My guest, today, is Jim.

Hello, Jim.

- Jim, what did you bring us today? - Rheumatism blankets, boss.

Isn't that fantastic!

♪ Schnuffi-Puffi... (Buy one, get one free)

♪ Schnuffi-Puffi... (Schnuffi-Puffi)

♪ Schnuffi-Puffi, and your wild ride's going on!

Now on sale!

- I think he has the hots for you. - Eh? - M-hm!

C'mon... Draw!

What?

He means your pistol.

It's his first time.

Oh look, thanks!

- I can't get it out. - Now you know what it's like!

- You alright, captain? - Yes, but...

- Where's Rock? - I can't stand hearing that name!

Anybody order a taxi?

- Thank God, he's here! - Thank God, he's here!

Nya-nya, nya-nya!

- You're a real hero. - I know.

But boss, we don't drink champagne.

But the Apache chief does.

Oh! Someone's laid down out there!

Yeah, that's my John!

My Regulator. Your shuttle to Earth is ready.

- Has Lord Maw reported back yet? - No, my Regulator!

But we apprehended this man. He was pretending to mow the lawn.

He belongs to the special unit that fled in the time machine.

Interesting. He can surely tell us something about their plans.

I'm not saying anything.

I already lost my reading lamp in this war.

It can't get any worse!

Then, I can't do anything for you. You fool!

Hermes!

Send out a press release:

Man with glasses executed for high treason, with frying pan.

Yessir, Regulator.

We have conquered Earth. The Age of Darkness has begun.

I think this is our turn-off!

I've no idea how how to slow this thing down!

JUMP!

Oh, great, my ears are all full of sand!

No wonder, with those dish antennas of yours.

- You alright, Princess? - I think so.

Better.

That's our sofa! Why is it smoking?

Now, hold on! What are you doing with our sofa?

It's not a toy!

Look at the shape it's in! It's totally ruined!

Do you even know who I am?

My name is Juergen Thorsten Cork, captain of the Dreamship Surprise.

I'm responsible for this sofa and my 40 man crew.

And it's not easy to manage!

Arf!

He re-built the time sofa.

Your go

Okay!

You...

It's you, again...

- What is that? - A corkscrew.

A magnifying glass.

Oh, no!

Your time is up!

The UFO!

Time for me to bid farewell, I bid you... shit!

Rock!

Do you want to...

Want to go shopping with me?

Yes I do!

So, Mr. Spuck, it seems his hots for you have cooled.

Yeah but, I can still keep him on the back burner.

- There's something you should know. - What is it?

I...

- I'm rubbish in bed. - Oh Rock, me too!

- Oh, my, how cute! - Careful, Mr. Spuck, it might bite.

- Think I'll talk to him. - M-hm!

- Hello, stranger! - Huh?

You friend or foe?

- Ah! - Ah!

- A friend! - A friend!

- I think the poor thing caught a cold. - We'll fix that in a jiffy.

Who's a good boy, then, eh?

- Now you wrecked it, you idiot! - Not wrecked enough, I'm afraid.

We did it!

That's it? This'll change the world?

Yeah, often the smallest things have the biggest effect.

Don't know about you, but, I'm pretty homesick.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I wonder what awaits us at home.

Hopefully a fresh cheese cake in Honolulu, huh Spucky?

There's not enough energy.

- Overload. - Overload?

- We're too heavy. - What?!

We'll make 200 years, tops. We're 76.375 kg over.

- Oh no! - What do you weigh? - 54 kg.

My beach weight's 75 kg.

I'm 73.

What about you, Spucky?

Tell us your weight.

76 kilos, 375 grams.

Spucky?

Pulle was right, I'm just too fat.

Thanks for everything.

They found us.

Here... whenever you're lonely...

just squeeze.

Don't go!

You all have to go now.

How can I, without you? I'd rather stay here too.

No, you have to go to the Miss Waikiki contest.

Spucky...

I'll always be with you, Captain.

You're the bravest Vulcanette in the whole world!

Look after yourself.

We have to go.

And you expect us to buy that story?

M-hm!

So you're a time traveller.

M-hm!

And you come from the year 2304...

to save the world.

M-hm!

What do you think, Mr. Zweifeld?

Mmm...

- Sir, he's telling the truth. - Are you sure, Mr. Baumfeld?

Yes, Mr. Wheatfeld. The lie detector confirms it.

He can fool us but not the machine.

Please, Mrs. Ricefeld.

Mr. Spuck, your story seems so...

- unbelievable. - You can say that again!

Can you prove you're from the future?

What the hell is that?

Oh my, I'd totally forgotten about that!

I've never seen anything like it!

- It vibrates when it gets hot. - Yes, General.

- A vibrating thermometer. - That's the proof.

This man does come from the future!

What is that?

Surprise!

- Welcome home, captain. - What?

This is impossible. You were just... I mean, you were...

- How are you still alive? - I told you but, you never believed me.

Galapagos turtle!

Yesterday was my 335th birthday.

Three hun...? You haven't changed a bit!

No grey hair, no cellulite in your face. Nothing!

Yeah, it wasn't cheap.

You waited 300 years, for me?

M-hm. I made good use of my time. Look.

Isn't it wonderful?

How did you do that, Spucky?

I sold our cheesecake recipe to McDonald's.

Oi!

Computer log no. 1 of the Dreamship Surprise: Captain Cork.

We saved the world again.

By destroying the UFO in 2004, we changed the future.

Mars was never colonized,

and Mr. Spuck redecorated the Earth a little, over the last 300 years.

Nothing can stop us now!

♪ 'Cause we're so cute and so clever

♪ and so slim and so slender We'll be Miss Waikiki!

♪ And shower to the left. And shower to the right.

♪ And don't forget the soap! One more time?

♪ And five, six, seven, eight Five, six, seven, eight

♪ And touch and push. And touch and push.

♪ And towel to the left. And towel to the right.

♪ And don't forget the willy! Dry the willy to the beat.

Leave it to me, pappy.

♪Translation: astrogirl, shuushuuma & ♪ XQ2☻

I'm a Vulcanette Vulgaris. We can live 400 years because we evolved

from Galapapago...

I'm a...

This thing farts!

Sure. I'll snatch them out with my snatchedidap.

Yeah!

- Klaus Kinski? - Yes. I'm floating. Come up.

Sure, Pappy. Leave 'dish' to me. shshshsh...

- I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods. - And whahamaminib?

The swine travelled to the past to our-er-erara...

Rrrrrr! Rrrrrr! I miss my moped.

- I used to float 'for' a team! - 'On' a team?

I was the youngest in the floating marathon. At 12 I shwai.. washwei... shwe....

shwiba... hi y'all!

At 12, I got my freestyle floating, badge.

at 14, I won the Federal Floating Gold Cross - Federal Cross?

- Get away with that flute! - I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods!

He stuck his flute in my face.

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

Come on.

♪ Fire salamander (So hot!)

♪ Spread your legs wider (Check it out!)

♪ Now close your legs again And out you go!

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

I...

I forgot to pack my bra.

Here... Take mi...

William is a sorcerer!

Mouth full. Sorry!

Do you want to make me happy?

Yeah, definitely!

My nose up with her toungue!

Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle,

Third Count of...

Fuck!

Fuck, hey!

There are plenty of people who'd luff...

There are plenty of people who'd luff...

There are plenty of people who'd luff... sorry!

There are plenty...

Woof!

Arf!

Do you know who you're dealing with? Captain Juergen Thorsten Cork from the

Planet of the Apes. Sorry.

Bring me a Quattro Staggioni, got that?

And turn off the shitty music. Dr. Moans out!

Now, be honest, Spooky. Weren't you insanely bored

these last 300 years, without me?

Well, I took some naps...

- visited my relatives - Oh, that's nice.

- I also did my tax return. - Yes, that's important.

And then in 2068 ...

I won bronze at the Olympic Games in women's team showering.

Go on, really?! Our Spooky always was a jock-ette!

Snotty, what gives?

Captain, I beamed someone up. He wants to join us!

Send him up. He'll get some cheesecake, too!

Aye aye, my captain!

Oh, I'm so curious!

Come in, if you're not a taxi driver!

- Hi y'all! - Voilá! Do you need a pearl diver?

Fascinating!