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1
00:00:07,733 --> 00:00:08,674
Yeesh.
2
00:00:09,068 --> 00:00:11,844
The Dollar Store has
definitely seen better days.
3
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:13,512
[groans] This low-rent dump
4
00:00:13,589 --> 00:00:15,756
looks like the set
of a zombie movie.
5
00:00:15,832 --> 00:00:16,923
-Brands...
-[gasps]
6
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,833
Brands!
7
00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:22,596
No one ever heard
of these brands.
8
00:00:22,748 --> 00:00:26,083
Look, we spent a lot of money
on food for tonight's party,
9
00:00:26,085 --> 00:00:28,727
so I have to scrimp
on the utensils,
10
00:00:28,804 --> 00:00:30,845
paper plates, and toilet paper.
11
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:32,089
Mm.
12
00:00:32,091 --> 00:00:33,940
[Lisa and Bart shudder]
13
00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:35,926
Oh, great.
14
00:00:35,928 --> 00:00:37,703
It's Helen Lovejoy.
15
00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:41,707
-Quick, kids, paper towels.
-Marge? Marge Simpson.
16
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,876
I assumed that was you
coming out of the shame store,
17
00:00:44,027 --> 00:00:45,602
so I rushed right over.
18
00:00:45,621 --> 00:00:46,937
Hi, Helen.
19
00:00:47,030 --> 00:00:50,123
Stocking up on potted meat
and broken ramen packets?
20
00:00:50,276 --> 00:00:52,885
You know, the church pantry
is always open
21
00:00:52,961 --> 00:00:54,887
to the under-fortunate.
22
00:00:55,038 --> 00:00:57,798
[groans] I'm just getting
some supplies
23
00:00:57,874 --> 00:00:59,116
for my birthday party tonight.
24
00:00:59,118 --> 00:01:02,135
Right. Your little
backyard soiree.
25
00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:03,787
For my birthday, Timothy took me
26
00:01:03,806 --> 00:01:07,566
on the Josh Groban
Canadian canal cruise. [laughs]
27
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,961
But I'm sure your thing
will be just as fun.
28
00:01:10,963 --> 00:01:14,889
-[growls]
-Oh, boy.
29
00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:17,076
[growling]
30
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:23,123
[continues growling]
31
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,737
-[door slams]
-What's her deal?
32
00:01:29,815 --> 00:01:31,982
She bumped into Helen Lovejoy
at the shame store
33
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,759
and has been growling
ever since.
34
00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:35,652
[laughs] Don't worry.
35
00:01:35,671 --> 00:01:37,745
Whenever she comes home
with a murderous rage
36
00:01:37,823 --> 00:01:40,748
in her cute little eyes,
she goes upstairs for a bit,
37
00:01:40,826 --> 00:01:45,679
then when she comes down, she's
cool as a mule in summer school.
38
00:01:45,755 --> 00:01:50,067
I wonder what she does up there
to de-stress herself so fully.
39
00:01:56,008 --> 00:01:57,282
[female AI voice]
You've reached
40
00:01:57,359 --> 00:01:58,450
your imagination limit for the month.
41
00:01:58,527 --> 00:02:01,603
To keep imagining, please subscribe.
42
00:02:01,605 --> 00:02:05,866
I can't imagine,
but whatever she does, it works.
43
00:02:05,942 --> 00:02:08,535
All right, my loveables.
44
00:02:08,612 --> 00:02:11,946
Let's throw me
the best birthday party ever.
45
00:02:11,948 --> 00:02:13,757
-[indistinct chatter]
-[laughter]
46
00:02:14,860 --> 00:02:16,784
Who wants crab puffs?
47
00:02:16,862 --> 00:02:17,970
-Yeah.
-Ah!
48
00:02:18,046 --> 00:02:20,547
Marge, this party is a hit.
49
00:02:20,624 --> 00:02:22,866
Even the Springfield celebs
are here.
50
00:02:22,885 --> 00:02:25,793
I know. Wolfcastle, Arnie Pye,
51
00:02:25,871 --> 00:02:27,980
freaking Bumblebee Man is here.
52
00:02:28,056 --> 00:02:29,873
And you know who's not here?
53
00:02:29,892 --> 00:02:32,800
A bunch of
snot-nosed children. Mwah.
54
00:02:32,878 --> 00:02:33,877
Where'd you put them all?
55
00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:36,046
[children grumbling]
56
00:02:36,064 --> 00:02:37,564
I'm a pimple.
57
00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:40,826
I never imagined
that everyone in town
58
00:02:40,903 --> 00:02:42,719
would show up for my birthday.
59
00:02:42,721 --> 00:02:47,724
Of course we did, Marge.
Springfield adores you.
60
00:02:47,726 --> 00:02:49,168
You're a bake sale legend.
61
00:02:49,244 --> 00:02:53,005
You always have spare underwear
for my Milhouse's "uh-ohs."
62
00:02:53,081 --> 00:02:54,731
Plus, you're always nice
to everybody,
63
00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:58,826
even the town jerks, like me
and, uh, no offense, Homer.
64
00:02:58,846 --> 00:02:59,920
Oh.
65
00:02:59,922 --> 00:03:02,514
By the pinots ingested in me,
66
00:03:02,591 --> 00:03:06,760
I hereby decree Marge Simpson
the nicest lady in Springfield.
67
00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:08,729
[cheering]
68
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:17,696
Last night was like something
out of a dream.
69
00:03:17,773 --> 00:03:19,847
Yeah. Can you believe
I went to work naked
70
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,775
and my teeth all fell out?
71
00:03:21,851 --> 00:03:24,778
Oh... I've enjoyed
my share of balls before,
72
00:03:24,896 --> 00:03:26,538
but I was never
the belle of one.
73
00:03:26,615 --> 00:03:28,782
And just when I thought
it couldn't get any better,
74
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:30,876
now I get to clean again.
75
00:03:30,953 --> 00:03:33,879
Old sneakers, coveralls,
76
00:03:33,956 --> 00:03:35,881
industrial-grade kerchief...
77
00:03:35,958 --> 00:03:38,108
[gasps]
78
00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:40,794
It's gone. Where is it?
Where is it?
79
00:03:40,946 --> 00:03:43,555
-Where's what?
-My box. My secret box.
80
00:03:43,707 --> 00:03:46,892
-The sex box?
-No. No, my box of letters.
81
00:03:47,043 --> 00:03:48,042
What letters?
82
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,063
My secret box of hate letters.
83
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,791
But the sex box is okay?
84
00:03:54,793 --> 00:03:56,884
[sighs] Okay, here it goes.
85
00:03:56,962 --> 00:03:58,737
When I was a teenager,
86
00:03:58,888 --> 00:04:01,982
I would occasionally--
and I'm not proud of this--
87
00:04:02,058 --> 00:04:03,742
get mad.
88
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,745
Stupid Tim Meadows.
89
00:04:06,896 --> 00:04:08,896
Why the hell
would you leave SNL?
90
00:04:08,974 --> 00:04:10,916
You're a linchpin.
91
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:13,901
[Marge]
Then one day, I came across this article
92
00:04:13,979 --> 00:04:16,646
that would change my life forever.
93
00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:18,832
It said, when someone makes you angry,
94
00:04:18,908 --> 00:04:21,651
write them a fiery letter full of everything
95
00:04:21,653 --> 00:04:22,986
you wish you could say to their face,
96
00:04:23,005 --> 00:04:25,989
then never send it, and poof,
97
00:04:25,991 --> 00:04:28,658
the bad feelings are gone forever.
98
00:04:28,660 --> 00:04:31,753
From that day forward, I wrote hundreds of letters,
99
00:04:31,830 --> 00:04:35,107
and you know what?It made me a much nicer person.
100
00:04:35,183 --> 00:04:39,853
"Go jump in a wood chipper.
Marge Simpson."
101
00:04:39,929 --> 00:04:42,764
And every time I wrote one, I felt much better,
102
00:04:42,766 --> 00:04:47,953
with all my bad feelings tucked away and, therefore, gone.
103
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:49,955
But those letters
were just for me.
104
00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:52,958
They weren't meant
to be read by anyone, ever.
105
00:04:53,035 --> 00:04:54,609
We have to find them.
106
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,854
Honey, relax. I'm sure
they're around here somewhere.
107
00:04:57,856 --> 00:04:58,964
Maybe the cleaning lady
moved them.
108
00:04:59,082 --> 00:05:00,966
I'm the cleaning lady.
109
00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:02,968
Tell us where you moved them,
or you're fired.
110
00:05:03,045 --> 00:05:04,619
[phone chimes]
111
00:05:04,696 --> 00:05:08,015
Uh, Mom, you got a new message
from an unknown number.
112
00:05:09,626 --> 00:05:11,793
[distorted voice]
Dear Marge, we have your letters.
113
00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:15,722
If you want to see them again, pay us $5,000.
114
00:05:15,799 --> 00:05:19,876
If not, we will show the world what a mean bitch
115
00:05:19,878 --> 00:05:21,820
Marge Simpson really is.
116
00:05:21,897 --> 00:05:25,198
-[all gasp]
-Can we say that now?
117
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,647
[Bart] We've got to find
that letter thief.
118
00:05:32,724 --> 00:05:33,890
Okay. We've got photos
119
00:05:33,892 --> 00:05:35,483
of everyone who was
at the party last night.
120
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,670
All our dearest friends
and loved ones.
121
00:05:38,822 --> 00:05:41,823
One of these scumbags is holding
your mom's letters hostage.
122
00:05:41,825 --> 00:05:43,592
But who?
123
00:05:44,661 --> 00:05:46,511
My money's on Jasper.
124
00:05:46,663 --> 00:05:49,406
He's ugly, and ugly people
are prone to crime.
125
00:05:49,424 --> 00:05:52,592
I've always hated ugly people,
and now I know why.
126
00:05:52,744 --> 00:05:54,853
Guys, last night,
our friends and neighbors
127
00:05:54,930 --> 00:05:57,430
came to show Mom
how much they love her.
128
00:05:57,507 --> 00:06:00,417
We can't just accuse people
willy-nilly.
129
00:06:00,419 --> 00:06:01,860
[both]
Willie!
130
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:05,772
Of course. He was the ugliest
guy at the party by a mile.
131
00:06:05,849 --> 00:06:07,774
Let's go burn down his shack.
132
00:06:07,776 --> 00:06:11,595
It's not Willie!
Willie can't read!
133
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:13,446
Oh, it's hopeless. [sighs]
134
00:06:13,599 --> 00:06:16,449
Everyone thinks I'm
the sweetest lady in the world,
135
00:06:16,526 --> 00:06:19,527
like Ellen when she started
her talk show.
136
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:22,288
But if those letters get out,
they'll all hate me.
137
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,549
Like Ellen when she ended
her talk show.
138
00:06:24,626 --> 00:06:27,627
Fear not, Marge.
I know who can help us,
139
00:06:27,629 --> 00:06:29,554
Springfield's finest.
140
00:06:29,631 --> 00:06:30,813
Sorry, can't help you.
141
00:06:30,815 --> 00:06:32,391
What? Can't you trace the call
142
00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:34,375
or descramble the voice
or something?
143
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:38,397
I wish, but the wusses down
at the state house defunded us.
144
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,807
I'm sorry, Marge,
but you're on your own.
145
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:42,642
[Marge sighs]
146
00:06:42,719 --> 00:06:44,794
Uh, we weren't defunded, Chief.
147
00:06:44,796 --> 00:06:47,797
Our budget was increased by 33%.
148
00:06:47,799 --> 00:06:49,466
Yeah, but it's a great excuse
149
00:06:49,468 --> 00:06:52,636
for when you want to have
a lazy Saturday.
150
00:06:52,638 --> 00:06:56,473
Help. I woke up in the bathtub
with no kidneys.
151
00:06:56,491 --> 00:06:57,657
[both]
Defunded.
152
00:06:57,734 --> 00:07:00,644
[groans] Oh...
Those letters can't get out.
153
00:07:00,646 --> 00:07:03,663
We're just gonna have
to pay the ransom.
154
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:05,331
But it's $5,000.
155
00:07:05,484 --> 00:07:07,592
Do you know how many kidneys
you'd have to steal to get that?
156
00:07:07,669 --> 00:07:10,487
[sighs] I think I know
where we can get the money,
157
00:07:10,489 --> 00:07:12,597
but you're not gonna like it.
158
00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:17,494
Oh, I know there's
always strings attached
159
00:07:17,496 --> 00:07:20,830
with you people, but there's
no one else I can turn to.
160
00:07:20,832 --> 00:07:22,423
Fat Tony...
161
00:07:22,501 --> 00:07:25,610
is currently out of town,
so I came to you.
162
00:07:25,687 --> 00:07:28,672
So, can I borrow the money?
163
00:07:28,674 --> 00:07:31,283
[both laugh]
164
00:07:31,434 --> 00:07:34,844
No dice. That's what you get
for repressing your emotions.
165
00:07:34,863 --> 00:07:36,455
You see, Marge,
166
00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:39,516
a woman's feelings
are a lot like her boobs.
167
00:07:39,518 --> 00:07:41,518
Always locked away
when they're in public,
168
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,688
but you got to flop 'em out
once in a while,
169
00:07:44,706 --> 00:07:46,539
or you'll go bananas.
170
00:07:46,692 --> 00:07:48,717
Ah, at ease, men.
171
00:07:50,453 --> 00:07:52,804
The deadline's almost up.
I don't have the money.
172
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,532
-What am I gonna do?
-[phone rings]
173
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:57,792
Honey, wait.
I've seen every movie
174
00:07:57,794 --> 00:07:58,885
about angry, middle-aged men
175
00:07:58,962 --> 00:08:00,829
refusing to negotiate
with kidnappers.
176
00:08:00,905 --> 00:08:03,464
I know how to talk
to these people.
177
00:08:03,466 --> 00:08:05,709
[distorted voice]
Time's up, Marge.
178
00:08:05,727 --> 00:08:07,468
This is Mr. Marge, dirt butt,
179
00:08:07,546 --> 00:08:09,637
and you just signed
your own death warrant
180
00:08:09,715 --> 00:08:13,717
'cause I'm a retired
CIA ninja who just un-retired
181
00:08:13,719 --> 00:08:15,719
to chimp chomp your face.
182
00:08:15,737 --> 00:08:16,811
Hey. You listen here--
183
00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:18,571
No, YOU listen, butt dirt!
184
00:08:18,573 --> 00:08:20,724
We want those letters
on our doorstep
185
00:08:20,742 --> 00:08:22,501
by noon hundred hours tomorrow,
186
00:08:22,652 --> 00:08:26,487
or I'm gonna be on you like
a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy.
187
00:08:26,489 --> 00:08:29,899
Aloha means "hello"
and "you're dead."
188
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,735
[singsongy]
Fixed it.
189
00:08:31,753 --> 00:08:33,720
Oh...
190
00:08:35,423 --> 00:08:37,423
We haven't heard
from the letter-napper yet.
191
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,409
I put the fear of God
in 'em, Marge.
192
00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:42,579
Just like Father Snooze
up there tries to do.
193
00:08:42,597 --> 00:08:44,414
Maybe you did
scare them straight,
194
00:08:44,432 --> 00:08:46,674
and this whole thing
is behind us.
195
00:08:46,752 --> 00:08:48,601
Um, before today's service,
196
00:08:48,754 --> 00:08:52,438
Mrs. Lovejoy would like
to make a, um, statement,
197
00:08:52,515 --> 00:08:54,699
uh, she could not be
talked out of.
198
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,684
Unless cooler heads
have prevailed?
199
00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:58,703
[hums angrily]
200
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,613
[sighs] Take it away, dear.
201
00:09:00,766 --> 00:09:05,602
Last night, a vile, horrible
letter was left at our doorstep
202
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:07,453
and tore my world asunder.
203
00:09:07,606 --> 00:09:10,531
It reads, "'Dear'"--
and dear is in quotes-- "Helen.
204
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:13,793
"In case you haven't been
made aware, you are a...
205
00:09:13,945 --> 00:09:15,971
-bitch!"
-[congregation gasps]
206
00:09:16,948 --> 00:09:18,448
[organ blares discordantly]
207
00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:19,949
"You're a snobby little gossip
208
00:09:19,951 --> 00:09:21,467
"who derives a vampiric pleasure
209
00:09:21,620 --> 00:09:24,396
in the misfortune
and minor foibles of others."
210
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:27,640
-Wow, you're a good writer, Mom.
-Shh!
211
00:09:27,642 --> 00:09:30,402
"Do me a favor and keep
your surgically upturned nose
212
00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:34,647
"out of my business. Josh Groban
would hate your guts.
213
00:09:34,649 --> 00:09:36,741
Go jump in a woodchipper."
214
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,577
And it's signed by...
215
00:09:38,728 --> 00:09:43,489
-Blank. The name was cut out.
-[congregation gasps]
216
00:09:43,491 --> 00:09:46,476
But I know exactly who wrote
this despicable letter.
217
00:09:46,478 --> 00:09:49,662
Someone who's fooled this town
for years
218
00:09:49,664 --> 00:09:52,332
with her "sweet, gentle" nature.
219
00:09:52,408 --> 00:09:53,650
Agnes Skinner.
220
00:09:53,668 --> 00:09:57,578
[gasps] I would never write
such vile things.
221
00:09:57,656 --> 00:10:01,491
I'd say 'em
to your discount Botox face.
222
00:10:01,493 --> 00:10:03,843
[gasps] Are you gonna let her
talk to me like that?
223
00:10:03,845 --> 00:10:05,604
Defend my honor.
224
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:06,830
Get him, Seymour.
225
00:10:06,832 --> 00:10:09,349
But-but-but he's a man of God.
226
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,517
Shouldn't I turn
the other cheek?
227
00:10:11,670 --> 00:10:12,777
Wuss fight!
228
00:10:12,929 --> 00:10:14,446
[congregation chanting]
Fight! Fight!
229
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:15,505
Fight!
230
00:10:15,507 --> 00:10:16,615
[congregation clamoring
excitedly]
231
00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:18,341
[phone buzzes]
232
00:10:19,435 --> 00:10:20,601
[distorted voice over phone]
Look at the mayhem
233
00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:22,679
that just one of your letters can cause.
234
00:10:22,697 --> 00:10:25,624
You have 60 minutes before I release them all
235
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:29,686
and turn your life into an abominable hellscape
236
00:10:29,688 --> 00:10:32,522
of torment and woe.
237
00:10:32,524 --> 00:10:35,300
Honey, you're missing
the wuss fight. What's going on?
238
00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:38,720
I know just who
the kidnapper is.
239
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:41,881
[groans]
240
00:10:41,958 --> 00:10:46,460
More crab puffs coming right up.
241
00:10:46,462 --> 00:10:49,722
Hey, Shauna.
Thanks again for babysitting.
242
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:52,466
I'm sorry I forgot to mention
it was 56 kids
243
00:10:52,544 --> 00:10:55,395
instead of the usual three.
How is it?
244
00:10:55,471 --> 00:10:59,807
Ugh. It's an abominable
hellscape of torment and woe.
245
00:10:59,809 --> 00:11:00,808
Wha...?
246
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:03,386
Oh. I'm reading
a goth romance novel
247
00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:04,829
and some of the vocab
is sticking.
248
00:11:04,906 --> 00:11:06,723
[Marge]
Hmm.
249
00:11:06,741 --> 00:11:08,574
-Ooh, crab puffs.
-Up-bup-bup.
250
00:11:08,576 --> 00:11:12,395
Why don't you eat the food
I left in the kids area?
251
00:11:12,414 --> 00:11:15,398
But Milhouse sucked all the pigs
out of the blankets.
252
00:11:15,417 --> 00:11:17,491
And Martin ate
all the corn off the dogs.
253
00:11:17,493 --> 00:11:21,054
Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
Who wants crab puffs?
254
00:11:22,832 --> 00:11:23,765
[belches]
255
00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,592
Ugh. Every time
she hires me to babysit,
256
00:11:26,745 --> 00:11:29,429
she treats me like
I freakin' work for her.
257
00:11:29,581 --> 00:11:31,431
She acts like
all I do around here
258
00:11:31,433 --> 00:11:33,917
is watch TV
and try on her clothes.
259
00:11:33,935 --> 00:11:36,510
Uh, that is what you do.
260
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,697
Yikes. How does she
pull this off
261
00:11:38,773 --> 00:11:40,440
without looking like a skank?
262
00:11:40,442 --> 00:11:42,775
The pearls class the whole thing up.
263
00:11:42,928 --> 00:11:45,445
Psh. Everyone thinks
she's such a saint.
264
00:11:45,447 --> 00:11:48,373
Meanwhile, she's starving
the one babysitter
265
00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:50,858
that's watching, like,
every kid in town.
266
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:52,785
Where are those kids, anyway?
267
00:11:52,787 --> 00:11:54,754
Up your butt. I don't know.
268
00:11:56,699 --> 00:12:00,367
[gasps] Holy crab.
269
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:04,464
[laughs] Oh, man. This angry
MILF hates everyone in town.
270
00:12:04,616 --> 00:12:06,707
I thought this box
was gonna be full of, like,
271
00:12:06,785 --> 00:12:08,451
pot or grandma ashes,
272
00:12:08,453 --> 00:12:09,619
but this is even better.
273
00:12:09,621 --> 00:12:12,397
I bet Mrs. Bart's Mom
would pay anything
274
00:12:12,474 --> 00:12:14,733
to keep people
from reading these letters.
275
00:12:14,809 --> 00:12:17,477
Even $5,000.
276
00:12:17,629 --> 00:12:20,646
[gasps] With that kind of money,
we could start over.
277
00:12:20,799 --> 00:12:22,648
Live a whole new life.
278
00:12:22,801 --> 00:12:24,743
♪ Birds of a feather ♪
279
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,652
♪ We should stick together ♪
280
00:12:26,805 --> 00:12:27,746
♪ I know ♪
281
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:28,972
♪ I said I'd never ♪
282
00:12:28,974 --> 00:12:31,824
♪ Think I wasn't better alone ♪
283
00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:33,418
♪ Can't change the weather ♪
284
00:12:33,495 --> 00:12:35,754
-♪ Might not be forever ♪
-[both moaning]
285
00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:38,405
♪ But if it's forever.
286
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:39,424
Hmm?
287
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:40,908
Marge Simpson's gonna
rue the day
288
00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,652
she ever messed with me.
289
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:46,973
Shauna Chalmers is gonna rue
the day she ever messed with me.
290
00:12:52,497 --> 00:12:54,330
[distorted voice over phone]
...an abominable hellscape
291
00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:56,182
of torment and woe!
292
00:12:56,259 --> 00:13:00,186
Shauna said that exact same
phrase the night of the party.
293
00:13:00,263 --> 00:13:03,430
So, she and the raccoon
are working together.
294
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,950
They probably stole our garbage,
too. So what's the plan?
295
00:13:06,027 --> 00:13:09,436
I know that, on Sundays, Shauna
volunteers at the senior home
296
00:13:09,514 --> 00:13:13,291
to steal their medications,
so this is the perfect time
297
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,294
to break into her house
and get those letters back.
298
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,129
You want to break
into her house?
299
00:13:18,206 --> 00:13:21,282
What would Marge say?
[gasps] You're Marge.
300
00:13:21,359 --> 00:13:22,616
Damn it.
301
00:13:22,694 --> 00:13:25,361
-[brakes screech]
-Superintendent Chalmers
is home.
302
00:13:25,363 --> 00:13:28,531
We're gonna have to improvise.
303
00:13:28,533 --> 00:13:30,141
[doorbell rings]
304
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,368
Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.
305
00:13:32,370 --> 00:13:35,313
To what do I owe
the unannounced weekend visit?
306
00:13:35,464 --> 00:13:38,149
Um... I'm writing an article
307
00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:41,377
for the PTA newsletter
about you.
308
00:13:41,379 --> 00:13:42,378
Me?
309
00:13:42,397 --> 00:13:45,381
Yes. An interview, really.
Long form.
310
00:13:45,383 --> 00:13:49,218
"Gary Chalmers:
A Profile In Competence."
311
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,455
Not "incompetence."
"In competence."
312
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,391
'Cause you're great.
313
00:13:55,410 --> 00:14:00,321
Hm... I wasn't aware that
the PTA's biannual, one-page,
314
00:14:00,398 --> 00:14:02,323
single-sided newsletter
315
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,326
even did long-form interviews,
316
00:14:05,328 --> 00:14:07,253
but how nice. Come on in.
317
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:10,423
Uh, don't you need a pen
or a recording device?
318
00:14:10,499 --> 00:14:14,243
Uh, no. No, I have
a photographic memory.
319
00:14:14,262 --> 00:14:16,354
For auditory speech?
320
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,597
Yes.
321
00:14:17,673 --> 00:14:19,340
I think he's buying it.
322
00:14:19,342 --> 00:14:21,342
[Chalmers]
I'm not buying it.
323
00:14:21,344 --> 00:14:23,586
But why make up such an absurd story?
324
00:14:23,605 --> 00:14:25,346
[gasps] Oh, dear God,
325
00:14:25,423 --> 00:14:27,681
Marge Simpson is coming on to me.
326
00:14:27,759 --> 00:14:30,593
So, how did you become so...
327
00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:33,112
super at... intending?
328
00:14:33,264 --> 00:14:36,265
[Chalmers]
Well, I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind.
329
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:38,376
No, Gary. Not with another school parent.
330
00:14:38,453 --> 00:14:41,528
The Van Houten womanis still blowing up your phone.
331
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,290
I have to put an end to this right now.
332
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,200
Look, I'm very sorry,
Mrs. Simpson,
333
00:14:46,277 --> 00:14:48,461
but I'm gonna have to ask you...
334
00:14:48,463 --> 00:14:52,281
if you would like
some plum wine.
335
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:55,376
[pants] Come on, Homer.
Rummage like the wind.
336
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:58,396
Psh. Another stupid kid
wearing an old T-shirt
337
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,381
of a band they know
nothing about.
338
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,217
I bet she can't name
one song by...
339
00:15:03,294 --> 00:15:04,652
Planned Parenthood.
340
00:15:05,721 --> 00:15:07,554
[gasps] Got it.
341
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:09,482
[samba music playing]
342
00:15:10,485 --> 00:15:13,594
Oh, if there's a lovelier music
than samba,
343
00:15:13,596 --> 00:15:15,246
I don't want to hear it.
344
00:15:15,323 --> 00:15:18,232
Have you ever been to
[Portuguese accent] Brazil?
345
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:20,234
Very liberated country.
346
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,420
[chuckles] You don't say.
347
00:15:22,497 --> 00:15:24,664
-[loud thump]
-Que diabos! What was that?
348
00:15:24,666 --> 00:15:26,649
Just the house settling, I bet.
349
00:15:26,651 --> 00:15:30,411
With this framing? Not likely.
I better go check it out.
350
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,504
[groans]
351
00:15:31,506 --> 00:15:33,489
[Homer screams]
352
00:15:33,491 --> 00:15:34,915
[gasps]
353
00:15:34,917 --> 00:15:37,343
Uh, I think I have enough
for my article, Superintendent.
354
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:39,270
Thanks again for your time.
355
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:42,214
-[tires screech]
-But-but I-I...
356
00:15:42,216 --> 00:15:44,567
[sighs] It's probably
for the best.
357
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:48,488
[samba music playing]
358
00:15:49,674 --> 00:15:51,449
We did it!
359
00:15:51,526 --> 00:15:55,361
Sorry, Shauna Chalmers.
"Letter" luck next time.
360
00:15:55,438 --> 00:15:56,120
What the...?
361
00:15:56,197 --> 00:15:58,498
Goth romance novels?
362
00:15:58,533 --> 00:15:59,290
[tires screech]
363
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:01,442
She took the letters out.
364
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,519
[frustrated grunt]
365
00:16:03,521 --> 00:16:05,354
Oh, it's hopeless.
366
00:16:05,356 --> 00:16:08,357
Shauna's probably spreading them
all over town by now.
367
00:16:08,359 --> 00:16:12,361
Everyone's gonna know what
a terrible person I am inside.
368
00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:14,697
-[laughter]
-[Marge gasps]
369
00:16:14,699 --> 00:16:16,623
[Marge]
What the...?
370
00:16:16,701 --> 00:16:18,534
My letters.
371
00:16:18,536 --> 00:16:20,561
Step on it, Jimbo.
372
00:16:28,379 --> 00:16:30,396
[Homer]
Marge, what are you-- Ah!
373
00:16:30,398 --> 00:16:31,489
[screams]
374
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,370
[both gasp]
375
00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:44,335
Give me back my letters.
376
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,338
[grunts]
377
00:16:48,491 --> 00:16:50,591
Go get her, Marge.
I've got this punk.
378
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,236
[yelps]
379
00:16:53,238 --> 00:16:54,661
I don't got this punk.
380
00:16:54,663 --> 00:16:56,597
[grunting]
381
00:17:07,676 --> 00:17:09,252
Stop right there.
382
00:17:09,254 --> 00:17:11,254
Come any closer,
and I'll, like-like,
383
00:17:11,256 --> 00:17:12,530
drop 'em or whatever.
384
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,257
Why'd you do it, Shauna?
385
00:17:14,259 --> 00:17:16,517
Was all this over
a stupid crab puff?
386
00:17:16,519 --> 00:17:20,263
No. When I found those letters,
I thought they were awesome.
387
00:17:20,281 --> 00:17:23,357
You totally nailed all the
cringe-os in this cringe town.
388
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:26,269
And then I read the letter
you wrote to me.
389
00:17:26,287 --> 00:17:28,454
Oh, Shauna.
I never meant for you--
390
00:17:28,456 --> 00:17:31,274
You called me
a "hormonal little snot
391
00:17:31,292 --> 00:17:33,384
with more piercings
than brains."
392
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,220
And you're supposed to be
the nicest lady in town?
393
00:17:36,297 --> 00:17:38,631
I am nice.
I just write these letters
394
00:17:38,707 --> 00:17:40,299
when I'm filled with anger.
395
00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:43,394
And then, afterwards,
I'm over it. I swear.
396
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,305
There's, like,
30-year-old letters in here.
397
00:17:46,307 --> 00:17:48,641
If you're so over it,
why'd you save 'em?
398
00:17:48,717 --> 00:17:51,218
[grunts] Because... [grunts]
399
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,220
...it brings me peace.
400
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,313
Give me my letters.
401
00:17:54,465 --> 00:17:56,616
-[gasps, screams]
-Shauna!
402
00:17:58,561 --> 00:17:59,243
[groans]
403
00:17:59,395 --> 00:18:00,561
Don't let me die.
404
00:18:00,638 --> 00:18:03,322
I want to live to be
old and fat like you.
405
00:18:03,474 --> 00:18:06,400
I can save you both. [screams]
406
00:18:06,477 --> 00:18:07,376
No!
407
00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:10,463
I got you, Shauna. [grunts]
408
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:15,426
Thanks Mrs. S. I'm really sorry.
409
00:18:15,503 --> 00:18:18,337
I know, sweetie.
410
00:18:18,489 --> 00:18:20,339
Well, they're all out there now.
411
00:18:20,491 --> 00:18:23,659
All my unspoken grievances
and resentments
412
00:18:23,661 --> 00:18:25,328
for the world to read.
413
00:18:25,330 --> 00:18:27,663
Hey, look.
A letter from Marge Simpson,
414
00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:29,273
addressed directly to me.
415
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,276
"Dear Chief,
you give fat, do-nothing,
416
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,338
donut-eating cops a bad name."
417
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:37,281
"A soulless dead-eyed
creepazoid."
418
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:40,343
"A greasy-fingered know-it-all."
419
00:18:40,345 --> 00:18:43,454
"An amoral homewrecker
and a never-was singer."
420
00:18:43,531 --> 00:18:47,291
"A deviant letch who can't keep
his busy hands to himself."
421
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:50,128
"A smoking hot comedic linchpin
422
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,446
who should've
never left Studio 8H."
423
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,132
[grunts]
424
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:57,284
There's the hateful epistolist
who called me
425
00:18:57,362 --> 00:19:01,597
"an operatic blowhard."
426
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:09,372
Hi, everyone.
I just want to apologize.
427
00:19:09,374 --> 00:19:11,315
Not for having
negative feelings,
428
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:14,377
but for keeping them to myself
all these years.
429
00:19:14,395 --> 00:19:16,487
Even though I smiled
in your face,
430
00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:18,381
I was secretly furious.
431
00:19:18,399 --> 00:19:21,492
And that wasn't fair
to you or to me.
432
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,328
So do you hate us all?
433
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:27,223
No. No, I love the people
of this town.
434
00:19:27,225 --> 00:19:28,649
Even when we butt heads.
435
00:19:28,726 --> 00:19:31,335
[both laugh]
Butt heads.
436
00:19:31,412 --> 00:19:32,745
[both]
Aw.
437
00:19:32,747 --> 00:19:35,656
But I'd rather you all
think of me as an honest person
438
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:38,325
with real, complex emotions,
439
00:19:38,327 --> 00:19:41,570
and not someone who's just nice.
440
00:19:41,572 --> 00:19:42,405
Thank you.
441
00:19:42,423 --> 00:19:44,423
Let's hear it for Marge Simpson.
442
00:19:44,425 --> 00:19:47,501
The most three-dimensional
woman in town.
443
00:19:47,578 --> 00:19:49,604
[cheering]
444
00:19:53,175 --> 00:19:54,600
Helen, hi.
445
00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:58,254
Marge, I know it was you who
wrote me that scornful letter,
446
00:19:58,256 --> 00:20:00,256
and I just wanted to say...
447
00:20:00,258 --> 00:20:04,184
I'm sorry for being so snarky
and elitist in the past.
448
00:20:04,262 --> 00:20:07,354
Oh. Why, thank you.
Apology accept--
449
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:10,357
As someone so well off
and closer to God,
450
00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:14,528
it's easy for me to look down my
naturally perfect nose at you.
451
00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:16,196
But that ends now.
452
00:20:16,198 --> 00:20:17,698
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
453
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:20,200
Ugh. I envy this new you, Marge.
454
00:20:20,278 --> 00:20:22,445
Honest and boorishly uncouth.
455
00:20:22,447 --> 00:20:23,462
Right.
456
00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:25,389
Anyway, I'm off
to the good hairdresser.
457
00:20:25,466 --> 00:20:29,560
Oh, not the one you're thinking
of, this one's better. Toodles.
458
00:20:29,637 --> 00:20:32,471
Oh, wait, wait.
O-One more thing, Helen.
459
00:20:32,548 --> 00:20:33,639
Yes?
460
00:20:33,641 --> 00:20:36,567
-Kiss my ass!
-[gasps]
461
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,646
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
462
00:20:40,648 --> 00:20:42,556
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
463
00:20:42,558 --> 00:20:44,149
and TOYOTA.
464
00:20:44,226 --> 00:20:45,618
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
465
00:20:51,158 --> 00:20:53,492
[Tim] "Dear Marge, where the hell do you get off?
466
00:20:53,494 --> 00:20:55,978
"My career choices are nobody's business
467
00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:57,070
"but mine and maybe my manager's.
468
00:20:57,072 --> 00:20:58,422
"The next time you want to tell me
469
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,983
"what other 'bone-headed mistakes' I've made,
470
00:21:00,985 --> 00:21:02,167
"I hope you'll do me a favor
471
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,077
"and go jump in a wood chipper.
472
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:08,081
Sincerely yours, Tim Meadows."
473
00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:10,226
Wow. That does feel good.
474
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:15,180
"Dear Lorne Michaels,where the hell do you get off?"
475
00:21:15,182 --> 00:21:20,761
"Dear TGI Fridays,where the hell do you get off?"
476
00:21:21,764 --> 00:21:24,782
"Dear Sunglass Hut,where the hell do you get off?"
477
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:29,361
"Dear Quiznos,where the hell do you get off?"
478
00:21:29,363 --> 00:21:31,013
Shh!
479
00:21:31,032 --> 00:21:32,331
[Tim]
Where the hell do you get off?
36193
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