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1
00:00:08,083 --> 00:00:09,023
Yeesh.
2
00:00:09,417 --> 00:00:12,194
The Dollar Store has
definitely seen better days.
3
00:00:12,269 --> 00:00:13,862
[groans] This low-rent dump
4
00:00:13,939 --> 00:00:16,106
looks like the set
of a zombie movie.
5
00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:17,272
- Brands...
- [gasps]
6
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,182
Brands!
7
00:00:19,202 --> 00:00:22,946
No one ever heard
of these brands.
8
00:00:23,097 --> 00:00:26,432
Look, we spent a lot of money
on food for tonight's party,
9
00:00:26,434 --> 00:00:29,077
so I have to scrimp
on the utensils,
10
00:00:29,153 --> 00:00:31,195
paper plates, and toilet paper.
11
00:00:31,214 --> 00:00:32,439
Mm.
12
00:00:32,441 --> 00:00:34,289
[Lisa and Bart shudder]
13
00:00:34,442 --> 00:00:36,276
Oh, great.
14
00:00:36,277 --> 00:00:38,052
It's Helen Lovejoy.
15
00:00:38,130 --> 00:00:42,057
- Quick, kids, paper towels.
- Marge? Marge Simpson.
16
00:00:42,058 --> 00:00:44,225
I assumed that was you
coming out of the shame store,
17
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:45,951
so I rushed right over.
18
00:00:45,970 --> 00:00:47,286
Hi, Helen.
19
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:50,472
Stocking up on potted meat
and broken ramen packets?
20
00:00:50,625 --> 00:00:53,234
You know, the church pantry
is always open
21
00:00:53,310 --> 00:00:55,237
to the under-fortunate.
22
00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:58,448
[groans] I'm just getting
some supplies
23
00:00:58,524 --> 00:00:59,765
for my birthday party tonight.
24
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:02,784
Right. Your little
backyard soiree.
25
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:04,436
For my birthday, Timothy took me
26
00:01:04,456 --> 00:01:08,215
on the Josh Groban
Canadian canal cruise. [laughs]
27
00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:11,611
But I'm sure your thing
will be just as fun.
28
00:01:11,612 --> 00:01:15,539
- [growls]
- Oh, boy.
29
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,725
[growling]
30
00:01:21,564 --> 00:01:23,772
[continues growling]
31
00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:30,686
- [door slams]
- What's her deal?
32
00:01:30,765 --> 00:01:32,932
She bumped into Helen Lovejoy
at the shame store
33
00:01:32,950 --> 00:01:34,709
and has been growling
ever since.
34
00:01:34,859 --> 00:01:36,602
[laughs] Don't worry.
35
00:01:36,621 --> 00:01:38,694
Whenever she comes home
with a murderous rage
36
00:01:38,772 --> 00:01:41,698
in her cute little eyes,
she goes upstairs for a bit,
37
00:01:41,776 --> 00:01:46,628
then when she comes down, she's
cool as a mule in summer school.
38
00:01:46,704 --> 00:01:51,016
I wonder what she does up there
to de-stress herself so fully.
39
00:01:56,957 --> 00:01:58,231
[female AI voice]
You've reached
40
00:01:58,308 --> 00:01:59,400
your imagination limit
for the month.
41
00:01:59,477 --> 00:02:02,552
To keep imagining,
please subscribe.
42
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:06,816
I can't imagine,
but whatever she does, it works.
43
00:02:06,891 --> 00:02:09,485
All right, my loveables.
44
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:12,896
Let's throw me
the best birthday party ever.
45
00:02:12,897 --> 00:02:14,706
- [indistinct chatter]
- [laughter]
46
00:02:15,810 --> 00:02:17,734
Who wants crab puffs?
47
00:02:17,812 --> 00:02:18,920
- Yeah.
- Ah!
48
00:02:18,996 --> 00:02:21,497
Marge, this party is a hit.
49
00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:23,816
Even the Springfield celebs
are here.
50
00:02:23,835 --> 00:02:26,742
I know. Wolfcastle, Arnie Pye,
51
00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:28,930
freaking Bumblebee Man is here.
52
00:02:29,006 --> 00:02:30,823
And you know who's not here?
53
00:02:30,841 --> 00:02:33,750
A bunch of
snot-nosed children. Mwah.
54
00:02:33,828 --> 00:02:34,826
Where'd you put them all?
55
00:02:34,846 --> 00:02:36,996
[children grumbling]
56
00:02:37,014 --> 00:02:38,514
I'm a pimple.
57
00:02:39,516 --> 00:02:41,776
I never imagined
that everyone in town
58
00:02:41,853 --> 00:02:43,668
would show up for my birthday.
59
00:02:43,670 --> 00:02:48,674
Of course we did, Marge.
Springfield adores you.
60
00:02:48,675 --> 00:02:50,117
You're a bake sale legend.
61
00:02:50,194 --> 00:02:53,954
You always have spare underwear
for my Milhouse's "uh-ohs."
62
00:02:54,031 --> 00:02:55,680
Plus, you're always nice
to everybody,
63
00:02:55,682 --> 00:02:59,776
even the town jerks, like me
and, uh, no offense, Homer.
64
00:02:59,795 --> 00:03:00,870
Oh.
65
00:03:00,872 --> 00:03:03,463
By the pinots ingested in me,
66
00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:07,710
I hereby decree Marge Simpson
the nicest lady in Springfield.
67
00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,679
[cheering]
68
00:03:14,644 --> 00:03:18,646
Last night was like something
out of a dream.
69
00:03:18,723 --> 00:03:20,796
Yeah. Can you believe
I went to work naked
70
00:03:20,817 --> 00:03:22,724
and my teeth all fell out?
71
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,728
Oh... I've enjoyed
my share of balls before,
72
00:03:25,846 --> 00:03:27,487
but I was never
the belle of one.
73
00:03:27,564 --> 00:03:29,731
And just when I thought
it couldn't get any better,
74
00:03:29,884 --> 00:03:31,825
now I get to clean again.
75
00:03:31,902 --> 00:03:34,829
Old sneakers, coveralls,
76
00:03:34,906 --> 00:03:36,831
industrial-grade kerchief...
77
00:03:36,908 --> 00:03:39,057
[gasps]
78
00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:41,743
It's gone. Where is it?
Where is it?
79
00:03:41,896 --> 00:03:44,504
- Where's what?
- My box. My secret box.
80
00:03:44,656 --> 00:03:47,841
- The sex box?
- No. No, my box of letters.
81
00:03:47,992 --> 00:03:48,991
What letters?
82
00:03:49,069 --> 00:03:52,013
My secret box of hate letters.
83
00:03:52,848 --> 00:03:55,740
But the sex box is okay?
84
00:03:55,742 --> 00:03:57,834
[sighs] Okay, here it goes.
85
00:03:57,912 --> 00:03:59,687
When I was a teenager,
86
00:03:59,837 --> 00:04:02,931
I would occasionally...
and I'm not proud of this...
87
00:04:03,008 --> 00:04:04,692
get mad.
88
00:04:05,861 --> 00:04:07,694
Stupid Tim Meadows.
89
00:04:07,846 --> 00:04:09,846
Why the hell
would you leave SNL?
90
00:04:09,924 --> 00:04:11,865
You're a linchpin.
91
00:04:12,016 --> 00:04:14,850
[Marge] Then one day, I came across this article
92
00:04:14,929 --> 00:04:17,596
that would change
my life forever.
93
00:04:17,598 --> 00:04:19,781
It said, when someone
makes you angry,
94
00:04:19,858 --> 00:04:22,600
write them a fiery letter
full of everything
95
00:04:22,603 --> 00:04:23,935
you wish you could say
to their face,
96
00:04:23,954 --> 00:04:26,939
then never send it, and poof,
97
00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:29,608
the bad feelings
are gone forever.
98
00:04:29,610 --> 00:04:32,702
From that day forward,
I wrote hundreds of letters,
99
00:04:32,779 --> 00:04:36,057
and you know what?
It made me a much nicer person.
100
00:04:36,132 --> 00:04:40,802
"Go jump in a wood chipper.
Marge Simpson."
101
00:04:40,879 --> 00:04:43,713
And every time I wrote one,
I felt much better,
102
00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:48,903
with all my bad feelings tucked
away and, therefore, gone.
103
00:04:48,980 --> 00:04:50,904
But those letters
were just for me.
104
00:04:50,981 --> 00:04:53,908
They weren't meant
to be read by anyone, ever.
105
00:04:53,985 --> 00:04:55,558
We have to find them.
106
00:04:55,577 --> 00:04:58,803
Honey, relax. I'm sure
they're around here somewhere.
107
00:04:58,805 --> 00:04:59,913
Maybe the cleaning lady
moved them.
108
00:05:00,031 --> 00:05:01,915
I'm the cleaning lady.
109
00:05:01,992 --> 00:05:03,918
Tell us where you moved them,
or you're fired.
110
00:05:03,995 --> 00:05:05,569
[phone chimes]
111
00:05:05,646 --> 00:05:08,964
Uh, Mom, you got a new message
from an unknown number.
112
00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:12,742
[distorted voice] Dear Marge, we have your letters.
113
00:05:12,819 --> 00:05:16,672
If you want to see them again,
pay us $5,000.
114
00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:20,826
If not, we will show the world
what a mean bitch
115
00:05:20,827 --> 00:05:22,769
Marge Simpson really is.
116
00:05:22,846 --> 00:05:26,148
- [all gasp]
- Can we say that now?
117
00:05:31,947 --> 00:05:33,596
[Bart] We've got to find
that letter thief.
118
00:05:33,673 --> 00:05:34,840
Okay. We've got photos
119
00:05:34,841 --> 00:05:36,432
of everyone who was
at the party last night.
120
00:05:36,451 --> 00:05:39,620
All our dearest friends
and loved ones.
121
00:05:39,771 --> 00:05:42,773
One of these scumbags is holding
your mom's letters hostage.
122
00:05:42,774 --> 00:05:44,542
But who?
123
00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:47,461
My money's on Jasper.
124
00:05:47,612 --> 00:05:50,355
He's ugly, and ugly people
are prone to crime.
125
00:05:50,374 --> 00:05:53,542
I've always hated ugly people,
and now I know why.
126
00:05:53,694 --> 00:05:55,802
Guys, last night,
our friends and neighbors
127
00:05:55,879 --> 00:05:58,379
came to show Mom
how much they love her.
128
00:05:58,456 --> 00:06:01,367
We can't just accuse people
willy-nilly.
129
00:06:01,369 --> 00:06:02,810
[both]
Willie!
130
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:06,721
Of course. He was the ugliest
guy at the party by a mile.
131
00:06:06,798 --> 00:06:08,723
Let's go burn down his shack.
132
00:06:08,725 --> 00:06:12,545
It's not Willie!
Willie can't read!
133
00:06:12,562 --> 00:06:14,396
Oh, it's hopeless. [sighs]
134
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:17,399
Everyone thinks I'm
the sweetest lady in the world,
135
00:06:17,475 --> 00:06:20,476
like Ellen when she started
her talk show.
136
00:06:20,495 --> 00:06:23,237
But if those letters get out,
they'll all hate me.
137
00:06:23,332 --> 00:06:25,499
Like Ellen when she ended
her talk show.
138
00:06:25,576 --> 00:06:28,576
Fear not, Marge.
I know who can help us,
139
00:06:28,579 --> 00:06:30,504
Springfield's finest.
140
00:06:30,581 --> 00:06:31,762
Sorry, can't help you.
141
00:06:31,764 --> 00:06:33,341
What? Can't you trace the call
142
00:06:33,417 --> 00:06:35,324
or descramble the voice
or something?
143
00:06:35,345 --> 00:06:39,346
I wish, but the wusses down
at the state house defunded us.
144
00:06:39,348 --> 00:06:41,757
I'm sorry, Marge,
but you're on your own.
145
00:06:41,908 --> 00:06:43,591
[Marge sighs]
146
00:06:43,668 --> 00:06:45,744
Uh, we weren't defunded, Chief.
147
00:06:45,745 --> 00:06:48,747
Our budget was increased by 33%.
148
00:06:48,749 --> 00:06:50,415
Yeah, but it's a great excuse
149
00:06:50,418 --> 00:06:53,586
for when you want to have
a lazy Saturday.
150
00:06:53,588 --> 00:06:57,423
Help. I woke up in the bathtub
with no kidneys.
151
00:06:57,441 --> 00:06:58,606
[both]
Defunded.
152
00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:01,593
[groans] Oh...
Those letters can't get out.
153
00:07:01,596 --> 00:07:04,612
We're just gonna have
to pay the ransom.
154
00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:06,281
But it's $5,000.
155
00:07:06,434 --> 00:07:08,541
Do you know how many kidneys
you'd have to steal to get that?
156
00:07:08,619 --> 00:07:11,437
[sighs] I think I know
where we can get the money,
157
00:07:11,439 --> 00:07:13,547
but you're not gonna like it.
158
00:07:15,867 --> 00:07:18,444
Oh, I know there's
always strings attached
159
00:07:18,446 --> 00:07:21,779
with you people, but there's
no one else I can turn to.
160
00:07:21,781 --> 00:07:23,372
Fat Tony...
161
00:07:23,451 --> 00:07:26,560
is currently out of town,
so I came to you.
162
00:07:26,637 --> 00:07:29,622
So, can I borrow the money?
163
00:07:29,624 --> 00:07:32,233
[both laugh]
164
00:07:32,384 --> 00:07:35,793
No dice. That's what you get
for repressing your emotions.
165
00:07:35,812 --> 00:07:37,404
You see, Marge,
166
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,466
a woman's feelings
are a lot like her boobs.
167
00:07:40,468 --> 00:07:42,468
Always locked away
when they're in public,
168
00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:45,637
but you got to flop 'em out
once in a while,
169
00:07:45,656 --> 00:07:47,488
or you'll go bananas.
170
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,667
Ah, at ease, men.
171
00:07:51,403 --> 00:07:53,754
The deadline's almost up.
I don't have the money.
172
00:07:53,755 --> 00:07:56,481
- What am I gonna do?
- [phone rings]
173
00:07:56,483 --> 00:07:58,742
Honey, wait.
I've seen every movie
174
00:07:58,744 --> 00:07:59,834
about angry, middle-aged men
175
00:07:59,911 --> 00:08:01,778
refusing to negotiate
with kidnappers.
176
00:08:01,855 --> 00:08:04,413
I know how to talk
to these people.
177
00:08:04,415 --> 00:08:06,658
[distorted voice]
Time's up, Marge.
178
00:08:06,677 --> 00:08:08,418
This is Mr. Marge, dirt butt,
179
00:08:08,495 --> 00:08:10,586
and you just signed
your own death warrant
180
00:08:10,665 --> 00:08:14,666
'cause I'm a retired
CIA ninja who just un-retired
181
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:16,668
to chimp chomp your face.
182
00:08:16,687 --> 00:08:17,761
Hey. You listen here...
183
00:08:17,762 --> 00:08:19,521
No, YOU listen, butt dirt!
184
00:08:19,523 --> 00:08:21,673
We want those letters
on our doorstep
185
00:08:21,692 --> 00:08:23,451
by noon hundred hours tomorrow,
186
00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:27,437
or I'm gonna be on you like
a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy.
187
00:08:27,439 --> 00:08:30,848
Aloha means "hello"
and "you're dead."
188
00:08:30,850 --> 00:08:32,684
[singsongy]
Fixed it.
189
00:08:32,702 --> 00:08:34,669
Oh...
190
00:08:36,373 --> 00:08:38,373
We haven't heard
from the letter-napper yet.
191
00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:40,359
I put the fear of God
in 'em, Marge.
192
00:08:40,376 --> 00:08:43,528
Just like Father Snooze
up there tries to do.
193
00:08:43,547 --> 00:08:45,364
Maybe you did
scare them straight,
194
00:08:45,381 --> 00:08:47,624
and this whole thing
is behind us.
195
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,551
Um, before today's service,
196
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:53,388
Mrs. Lovejoy would like
to make a, um, statement,
197
00:08:53,465 --> 00:08:55,649
uh, she could not be
talked out of.
198
00:08:55,650 --> 00:08:57,634
Unless cooler heads
have prevailed?
199
00:08:57,711 --> 00:08:59,653
[hums angrily]
200
00:08:59,730 --> 00:09:01,562
[sighs] Take it away, dear.
201
00:09:01,716 --> 00:09:06,552
Last night, a vile, horrible
letter was left at our doorstep
202
00:09:06,570 --> 00:09:08,403
and tore my world asunder.
203
00:09:08,556 --> 00:09:11,480
It reads, "'Dear'"...
and dear is in quotes... "Helen.
204
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:14,743
"In case you haven't been
made aware, you are a...
205
00:09:14,894 --> 00:09:16,921
- bitch!"
- [congregation gasps]
206
00:09:17,898 --> 00:09:19,398
[organ blares discordantly]
207
00:09:19,399 --> 00:09:20,899
"You're a snobby little gossip
208
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:22,417
"who derives a vampiric pleasure
209
00:09:22,570 --> 00:09:25,346
in the misfortune
and minor foibles of others."
210
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:28,590
- Wow, you're a good writer, Mom.
- Shh!
211
00:09:28,591 --> 00:09:31,351
"Do me a favor and keep
your surgically upturned nose
212
00:09:31,427 --> 00:09:35,596
"out of my business. Josh Groban
would hate your guts.
213
00:09:35,599 --> 00:09:37,691
Go jump in a woodchipper."
214
00:09:37,692 --> 00:09:39,527
And it's signed by...
215
00:09:39,677 --> 00:09:44,438
- Blank. The name was cut out.
- [congregation gasps]
216
00:09:44,441 --> 00:09:47,426
But I know exactly who wrote
this despicable letter.
217
00:09:47,427 --> 00:09:50,611
Someone who's fooled this town
for years
218
00:09:50,614 --> 00:09:53,282
with her "sweet, gentle" nature.
219
00:09:53,357 --> 00:09:54,600
Agnes Skinner.
220
00:09:54,618 --> 00:09:58,528
[gasps] I would never write
such vile things.
221
00:09:58,605 --> 00:10:02,441
I'd say 'em
to your discount Botox face.
222
00:10:02,442 --> 00:10:04,793
[gasps] Are you gonna let her
talk to me like that?
223
00:10:04,794 --> 00:10:06,553
Defend my honor.
224
00:10:06,556 --> 00:10:07,779
Get him, Seymour.
225
00:10:07,782 --> 00:10:10,298
But-but-but he's a man of God.
226
00:10:10,451 --> 00:10:12,466
Shouldn't I turn
the other cheek?
227
00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:13,726
Wuss fight!
228
00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:15,395
[congregation chanting]
Fight! Fight!
229
00:10:15,398 --> 00:10:16,455
Fight!
230
00:10:16,456 --> 00:10:17,565
[congregation clamoring
excitedly]
231
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,291
[phone buzzes]
232
00:10:20,384 --> 00:10:21,551
[distorted voice over phone]
Look at the mayhem
233
00:10:21,629 --> 00:10:23,629
that just one
of your letters can cause.
234
00:10:23,647 --> 00:10:26,573
You have 60 minutes
before I release them all
235
00:10:26,649 --> 00:10:30,635
and turn your life
into an abominable hellscape
236
00:10:30,638 --> 00:10:33,471
of torment and woe.
237
00:10:33,474 --> 00:10:36,250
Honey, you're missing
the wuss fight. What's going on?
238
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,669
I know just who
the kidnapper is.
239
00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:42,831
[groans]
240
00:10:42,908 --> 00:10:47,409
More crab puffs coming right up.
241
00:10:47,412 --> 00:10:50,672
Hey, Shauna.
Thanks again for babysitting.
242
00:10:50,673 --> 00:10:53,415
I'm sorry I forgot to mention
it was 56 kids
243
00:10:53,494 --> 00:10:56,345
instead of the usual three.
How is it?
244
00:10:56,421 --> 00:11:00,756
Ugh. It's an abominable
hellscape of torment and woe.
245
00:11:00,759 --> 00:11:01,758
Wha...?
246
00:11:01,818 --> 00:11:04,336
Oh. I'm reading
a goth romance novel
247
00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:05,778
and some of the vocab
is sticking.
248
00:11:05,855 --> 00:11:07,673
[Marge]
Hmm.
249
00:11:07,691 --> 00:11:09,524
- Ooh, crab puffs.
- Up-bup-bup.
250
00:11:09,525 --> 00:11:13,345
Why don't you eat the food
I left in the kids area?
251
00:11:13,364 --> 00:11:16,347
But Milhouse sucked all the pigs
out of the blankets.
252
00:11:16,366 --> 00:11:18,441
And Martin ate
all the corn off the dogs.
253
00:11:18,442 --> 00:11:22,004
Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
Who wants crab puffs?
254
00:11:23,782 --> 00:11:24,715
[belches]
255
00:11:25,875 --> 00:11:27,542
Ugh. Every time
she hires me to babysit,
256
00:11:27,695 --> 00:11:30,379
she treats me like
I freakin' work for her.
257
00:11:30,530 --> 00:11:32,380
She acts like
all I do around here
258
00:11:32,383 --> 00:11:34,866
is watch TV
and try on her clothes.
259
00:11:34,884 --> 00:11:37,460
Uh, that is what you do.
260
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,647
Yikes. How does she
pull this off
261
00:11:39,722 --> 00:11:41,389
without looking like a skank?
262
00:11:41,692 --> 00:11:44,024
The pearls class
the whole thing up.
263
00:11:44,177 --> 00:11:46,695
Psh. Everyone thinks
she's such a saint.
264
00:11:46,697 --> 00:11:49,623
Meanwhile, she's starving
the one babysitter
265
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:52,107
that's watching, like,
every kid in town.
266
00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:54,034
Where are those kids, anyway?
267
00:11:54,037 --> 00:11:56,004
Up your butt. I don't know.
268
00:11:57,948 --> 00:12:01,616
[gasps] Holy crab.
269
00:12:01,636 --> 00:12:05,714
[laughs] Oh, man. This angry
MILF hates everyone in town.
270
00:12:05,865 --> 00:12:07,956
I thought this box
was gonna be full of, like,
271
00:12:08,034 --> 00:12:09,701
pot or grandma ashes,
272
00:12:09,702 --> 00:12:10,869
but this is even better.
273
00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:13,647
I bet Mrs. Bart's Mom
would pay anything
274
00:12:13,724 --> 00:12:15,982
to keep people
from reading these letters.
275
00:12:16,058 --> 00:12:18,726
Even $5,000.
276
00:12:18,879 --> 00:12:21,895
[gasps] With that kind of money,
we could start over.
277
00:12:22,048 --> 00:12:23,898
Live a whole new life.
278
00:12:24,051 --> 00:12:25,993
♪ Birds of a feather ♪
279
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,902
♪ We should stick together ♪
280
00:12:28,054 --> 00:12:28,995
♪ I know ♪
281
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,221
♪ I said I'd never ♪
282
00:12:30,224 --> 00:12:33,073
♪ Think I wasn't better alone ♪
283
00:12:33,076 --> 00:12:34,668
♪ Can't change the weather ♪
284
00:12:34,745 --> 00:12:37,004
- ♪ Might not be forever ♪
- [both moaning]
285
00:12:37,154 --> 00:12:39,654
♪ But if it's forever.
286
00:12:39,674 --> 00:12:40,673
Hmm?
287
00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:42,158
Marge Simpson's gonna
rue the day
288
00:12:42,235 --> 00:12:43,902
she ever messed with me.
289
00:12:43,919 --> 00:12:48,222
Shauna Chalmers is gonna rue
the day she ever messed with me.
290
00:12:53,746 --> 00:12:55,580
[distorted voice over phone]
...an abominable hellscape
291
00:12:55,581 --> 00:12:57,432
of torment and woe!
292
00:12:57,509 --> 00:13:01,436
Shauna said that exact same
phrase the night of the party.
293
00:13:01,513 --> 00:13:04,679
So, she and the raccoon
are working together.
294
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:07,200
They probably stole our garbage,
too. So what's the plan?
295
00:13:07,277 --> 00:13:10,686
I know that, on Sundays, Shauna
volunteers at the senior home
296
00:13:10,764 --> 00:13:14,541
to steal their medications,
so this is the perfect time
297
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:17,543
to break into her house
and get those letters back.
298
00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:19,379
You want to break
into her house?
299
00:13:19,456 --> 00:13:22,532
What would Marge say?
[gasps] You're Marge.
300
00:13:22,609 --> 00:13:23,865
Damn it.
301
00:13:23,943 --> 00:13:26,610
- [brakes screech]
- Superintendent Chalmers is home.
302
00:13:26,613 --> 00:13:29,780
We're gonna have to improvise.
303
00:13:29,783 --> 00:13:31,390
[doorbell rings]
304
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:33,618
Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.
305
00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:36,562
To what do I owe
the unannounced weekend visit?
306
00:13:36,713 --> 00:13:39,399
Um... I'm writing an article
307
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:42,626
for the PTA newsletter
about you.
308
00:13:42,629 --> 00:13:43,628
Me?
309
00:13:43,647 --> 00:13:46,630
Yes. An interview, really.
Long form.
310
00:13:46,633 --> 00:13:50,467
"Gary Chalmers:
A Profile In Competence."
311
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:53,705
Not "incompetence."
"In competence."
312
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,640
'Cause you're great.
313
00:13:56,659 --> 00:14:01,571
Hm... I wasn't aware that
the PTA's biannual, one-page,
314
00:14:01,648 --> 00:14:03,572
single-sided newsletter
315
00:14:03,649 --> 00:14:06,576
even did long-form interviews,
316
00:14:06,577 --> 00:14:08,503
but how nice. Come on in.
317
00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:11,673
Uh, don't you need a pen
or a recording device?
318
00:14:11,749 --> 00:14:15,493
Uh, no. No, I have
a photographic memory.
319
00:14:15,511 --> 00:14:17,604
For auditory speech?
320
00:14:17,605 --> 00:14:18,846
Yes.
321
00:14:18,923 --> 00:14:20,590
I think he's buying it.
322
00:14:20,591 --> 00:14:22,591
[Chalmers]
I'm not buying it.
323
00:14:22,594 --> 00:14:24,836
But why make up
such an absurd story?
324
00:14:24,855 --> 00:14:26,596
[gasps] Oh, dear God,
325
00:14:26,673 --> 00:14:28,931
Marge Simpson
is coming on to me.
326
00:14:29,009 --> 00:14:31,842
So, how did you become so...
327
00:14:31,845 --> 00:14:34,361
super at... intending?
328
00:14:34,514 --> 00:14:37,514
[Chalmers] Well, I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind.
329
00:14:37,533 --> 00:14:39,625
No, Gary. Not with
another school parent.
330
00:14:39,702 --> 00:14:42,778
The Van Houten woman
is still blowing up your phone.
331
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:45,539
I have to put an end
to this right now.
332
00:14:45,616 --> 00:14:47,450
Look, I'm very sorry,
Mrs. Simpson,
333
00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:49,711
but I'm gonna have to ask you...
334
00:14:49,712 --> 00:14:53,530
if you would like
some plum wine.
335
00:14:53,549 --> 00:14:56,625
[pants] Come on, Homer.
Rummage like the wind.
336
00:14:56,644 --> 00:14:59,645
Psh. Another stupid kid
wearing an old T-shirt
337
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,630
of a band they know
nothing about.
338
00:15:01,649 --> 00:15:04,466
I bet she can't name
one song by...
339
00:15:04,543 --> 00:15:05,902
Planned Parenthood.
340
00:15:06,971 --> 00:15:08,803
[gasps] Got it.
341
00:15:08,823 --> 00:15:10,731
[samba music playing]
342
00:15:11,735 --> 00:15:14,844
Oh, if there's a lovelier music
than samba,
343
00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:16,495
I don't want to hear it.
344
00:15:16,572 --> 00:15:19,481
Have you ever been to
[Portuguese accent] Brazil?
345
00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:21,484
Very liberated country.
346
00:15:21,503 --> 00:15:23,669
[chuckles] You don't say.
347
00:15:23,746 --> 00:15:25,913
- [loud thump]
- Que diabos! What was that?
348
00:15:25,916 --> 00:15:27,899
Just the house settling, I bet.
349
00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:31,661
With this framing? Not likely.
I better go check it out.
350
00:15:31,679 --> 00:15:32,754
[groans]
351
00:15:32,755 --> 00:15:34,739
[Homer screams]
352
00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:36,164
[gasps]
353
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:38,592
Uh, I think I have enough
for my article, Superintendent.
354
00:15:38,745 --> 00:15:40,519
Thanks again for your time.
355
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:43,463
- [tires screech]
- But-but I-I...
356
00:15:43,466 --> 00:15:45,817
[sighs] It's probably
for the best.
357
00:15:47,361 --> 00:15:49,738
[samba music playing]
358
00:15:50,923 --> 00:15:52,698
We did it!
359
00:15:52,775 --> 00:15:56,610
Sorry, Shauna Chalmers.
"Letter" luck next time.
360
00:15:56,687 --> 00:15:57,370
What the...?
361
00:15:57,447 --> 00:15:59,748
Goth romance novels?
362
00:15:59,783 --> 00:16:00,539
[tires screech]
363
00:16:00,616 --> 00:16:02,692
She took the letters out.
364
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,769
[frustrated grunt]
365
00:16:04,770 --> 00:16:06,604
Oh, it's hopeless.
366
00:16:06,605 --> 00:16:09,606
Shauna's probably spreading them
all over town by now.
367
00:16:09,609 --> 00:16:13,610
Everyone's gonna know what
a terrible person I am inside.
368
00:16:13,613 --> 00:16:15,947
- [laughter]
- [Marge gasps]
369
00:16:15,948 --> 00:16:17,873
[Marge]
What the...?
370
00:16:17,951 --> 00:16:19,783
My letters.
371
00:16:19,786 --> 00:16:21,811
Step on it, Jimbo.
372
00:16:29,629 --> 00:16:31,645
[Homer]
Marge, what are you... Ah!
373
00:16:31,648 --> 00:16:32,739
[screams]
374
00:16:37,578 --> 00:16:38,620
[both gasp]
375
00:16:42,899 --> 00:16:45,585
Give me back my letters.
376
00:16:47,588 --> 00:16:48,587
[grunts]
377
00:16:49,740 --> 00:16:51,841
Go get her, Marge.
I've got this punk.
378
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,485
[yelps]
379
00:16:54,488 --> 00:16:55,911
I don't got this punk.
380
00:16:55,913 --> 00:16:57,846
[grunting]
381
00:17:08,925 --> 00:17:10,501
Stop right there.
382
00:17:10,503 --> 00:17:12,503
Come any closer,
and I'll, like-like,
383
00:17:12,506 --> 00:17:13,779
drop 'em or whatever.
384
00:17:13,781 --> 00:17:15,507
Why'd you do it, Shauna?
385
00:17:15,509 --> 00:17:17,767
Was all this over
a stupid crab puff?
386
00:17:17,769 --> 00:17:21,512
No. When I found those letters,
I thought they were awesome.
387
00:17:21,530 --> 00:17:24,606
You totally nailed all the
cringe-os in this cringe town.
388
00:17:24,925 --> 00:17:27,818
And then I read the letter
you wrote to me.
389
00:17:27,836 --> 00:17:30,003
Oh, Shauna.
I never meant for you...
390
00:17:30,006 --> 00:17:32,824
You called me
a "hormonal little snot
391
00:17:32,842 --> 00:17:34,933
with more piercings
than brains."
392
00:17:34,935 --> 00:17:37,769
And you're supposed to be
the nicest lady in town?
393
00:17:37,846 --> 00:17:40,181
I am nice.
I just write these letters
394
00:17:40,257 --> 00:17:41,848
when I'm filled with anger.
395
00:17:41,851 --> 00:17:44,943
And then, afterwards,
I'm over it. I swear.
396
00:17:44,945 --> 00:17:47,855
There's, like,
30-year-old letters in here.
397
00:17:47,856 --> 00:17:50,191
If you're so over it,
why'd you save 'em?
398
00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:52,768
[grunts] Because... [grunts]
399
00:17:52,787 --> 00:17:54,769
...it brings me peace.
400
00:17:54,788 --> 00:17:55,863
Give me my letters.
401
00:17:56,015 --> 00:17:58,165
- [gasps, screams]
- Shauna!
402
00:18:00,111 --> 00:18:00,792
[groans]
403
00:18:00,944 --> 00:18:02,111
Don't let me die.
404
00:18:02,188 --> 00:18:04,872
I want to live to be
old and fat like you.
405
00:18:05,023 --> 00:18:07,950
I can save you both. [screams]
406
00:18:08,027 --> 00:18:08,925
No!
407
00:18:09,878 --> 00:18:12,012
I got you, Shauna. [grunts]
408
00:18:13,807 --> 00:18:16,976
Thanks Mrs. S. I'm really sorry.
409
00:18:17,053 --> 00:18:19,886
I know, sweetie.
410
00:18:20,038 --> 00:18:21,888
Well, they're all out there now.
411
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,209
All my unspoken grievances
and resentments
412
00:18:25,211 --> 00:18:26,877
for the world to read.
413
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,212
Hey, look.
A letter from Marge Simpson,
414
00:18:29,214 --> 00:18:30,823
addressed directly to me.
415
00:18:30,825 --> 00:18:33,826
"Dear Chief,
you give fat, do-nothing,
416
00:18:33,827 --> 00:18:36,887
donut-eating cops a bad name."
417
00:18:36,890 --> 00:18:38,830
"A soulless dead-eyed
creepazoid."
418
00:18:38,982 --> 00:18:41,893
"A greasy-fingered know-it-all."
419
00:18:41,894 --> 00:18:45,003
"An amoral homewrecker
and a never-was singer."
420
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,840
"A deviant letch who can't keep
his busy hands to himself."
421
00:18:48,992 --> 00:18:51,677
"A smoking hot comedic linchpin
422
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,996
who should've
never left Studio 8H."
423
00:18:54,015 --> 00:18:55,682
[grunts]
424
00:18:55,683 --> 00:18:58,834
There's the hateful epistolist
who called me
425
00:18:58,912 --> 00:19:03,146
"an operatic blowhard."
426
00:19:07,695 --> 00:19:10,922
Hi, everyone.
I just want to apologize.
427
00:19:10,923 --> 00:19:12,865
Not for having
negative feelings,
428
00:19:12,866 --> 00:19:15,926
but for keeping them to myself
all these years.
429
00:19:15,944 --> 00:19:18,037
Even though I smiled
in your face,
430
00:19:18,189 --> 00:19:19,931
I was secretly furious.
431
00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:23,041
And that wasn't fair
to you or to me.
432
00:19:23,044 --> 00:19:25,877
So do you hate us all?
433
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,772
No. No, I love the people
of this town.
434
00:19:28,775 --> 00:19:30,199
Even when we butt heads.
435
00:19:30,276 --> 00:19:32,884
[both laugh]
Butt heads.
436
00:19:32,961 --> 00:19:34,295
[both]
Aw.
437
00:19:34,297 --> 00:19:37,205
But I'd rather you all
think of me as an honest person
438
00:19:37,282 --> 00:19:39,875
with real, complex emotions,
439
00:19:39,876 --> 00:19:43,119
and not someone who's just nice.
440
00:19:43,122 --> 00:19:43,954
Thank you.
441
00:19:43,972 --> 00:19:45,972
Let's hear it for Marge Simpson.
442
00:19:45,974 --> 00:19:49,050
The most three-dimensional
woman in town.
443
00:19:49,127 --> 00:19:51,153
[cheering]
444
00:19:54,724 --> 00:19:56,150
Helen, hi.
445
00:19:56,301 --> 00:19:59,804
Marge, I know it was you who
wrote me that scornful letter,
446
00:19:59,806 --> 00:20:01,806
and I just wanted to say...
447
00:20:01,807 --> 00:20:05,733
I'm sorry for being so snarky
and elitist in the past.
448
00:20:05,811 --> 00:20:08,903
Oh. Why, thank you.
Apology accept...
449
00:20:08,923 --> 00:20:11,906
As someone so well off
and closer to God,
450
00:20:11,909 --> 00:20:16,077
it's easy for me to look down my
naturally perfect nose at you.
451
00:20:16,079 --> 00:20:17,746
But that ends now.
452
00:20:17,748 --> 00:20:19,248
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
453
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:21,750
Ugh. I envy this new you, Marge.
454
00:20:21,827 --> 00:20:23,994
Honest and boorishly uncouth.
455
00:20:23,997 --> 00:20:25,011
Right.
456
00:20:25,013 --> 00:20:26,939
Anyway, I'm off
to the good hairdresser.
457
00:20:27,016 --> 00:20:31,109
Oh, not the one you're thinking
of, this one's better. Toodles.
458
00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:34,020
Oh, wait, wait.
O-One more thing, Helen.
459
00:20:34,097 --> 00:20:35,189
Yes?
460
00:20:35,191 --> 00:20:38,116
- Kiss my ass!
- [gasps]
461
00:20:39,953 --> 00:20:42,195
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
462
00:20:42,198 --> 00:20:44,105
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
463
00:20:44,107 --> 00:20:45,699
and TOYOTA.
464
00:20:45,776 --> 00:20:47,167
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
465
00:20:52,708 --> 00:20:55,041
[Tim] "Dear Marge, where the hell do you get off?
466
00:20:55,044 --> 00:20:57,528
"My career choices
are nobody's business
467
00:20:57,529 --> 00:20:58,619
"but mine
and maybe my manager's.
468
00:20:58,622 --> 00:20:59,971
"The next time
you want to tell me
469
00:20:59,973 --> 00:21:02,532
"what other 'bone-headed
mistakes' I've made,
470
00:21:02,535 --> 00:21:03,717
"I hope you'll do me a favor
471
00:21:03,869 --> 00:21:05,626
"and go jump in a wood chipper.
472
00:21:05,646 --> 00:21:09,631
Sincerely yours, Tim Meadows."
473
00:21:09,633 --> 00:21:11,776
Wow. That does feel good.
474
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,730
"Dear Lorne Michaels,
where the hell do you get off?"
475
00:21:16,731 --> 00:21:22,310
"Dear TGI Fridays,
where the hell do you get off?"
476
00:21:23,314 --> 00:21:26,332
"Dear Sunglass Hut,
where the hell do you get off?"
477
00:21:27,335 --> 00:21:30,911
"Dear Quiznos,
where the hell do you get off?"
478
00:21:30,913 --> 00:21:32,563
Shh!
479
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:33,881
[Tim]
Where the hell do you get off?
36002
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