Original subtitles

-? The Great North ? -? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

[cheering]

[DJ] This is Rowdy Randy and the Pickle Pack

bringing you all the local Alaskan news

after your snooze. [imitates snore]

And now, school closures.

Here we go.

Death Cliff Academy is closed.

Saint Whippleton Reformatory is closed.

Come on, come on...

And Lone Moose School is closed.

Yes!

Don't go there 'cause there's snow there.

Hell yeah, the word of the day is "jubilant."

I'm not learning crap today.

[Honeybee] Are you sure your dad broke up with Carissa?

I mean, she was his actual girlfriend.

-He seems fine. -I know.

Apparently, it's been, like, weeks

and he hasn't said anything.

But I made a batch of extremely alcoholic Wolf's Wolfies

to drink today so we can get him talking.

Snow day...! Ow.

So, does everyone have big plans for their day off?

Henry, Russell and I are gonna build

Snow Fort Extreme Kill-Death,

aka The Barrage Mahal,

for our battle with the Snowball Boyz.

Oh, snap. Everyone's terrified of them,

even though they're only in first grade.

I'm pretty sure Denny Hammond is actually the pitcher

for the Toronto Blue Jays.

He just stoops over to look short.

Oh, uh, Judy, if your big plan for the snow day

involves practicing your tap dancing again,

can you kindly not scat at the same time?

It makes me a little, uh-

what's the phrase- move back to Fresno.

Oh, don't worry, I gave up the rhythmic foot arts.

What? Why?

I thought you were gonna be the next Terrence Twinkle Toes,

Anchorage's cramp roll king.

[chortles]

Oh, I know why.

One more word and I will tap dance on your grave.

But I got you those discount tap shoes

from Sir Dance-A-Lot's for your birthday,

and now you're just... [chuckles]

farting it away.

[giggles] Farting it away.

[phone rings]

Tobin residence. [gasps]

No. What? No. No!

Uh-oh, sounds like the results

of her personality test came back.

That was a robocall from Principal Gibbons.

He rescinded the snow day!

Is that legal?

[Moon moans]

Moon, you okay, bud?

Snow days are God's days.

A rare moment gifted upon us by the heavens

to escape the ordinary drudgery of existence.

To rescind a snow day is to defile God.

This is so weird.

I can't remember a snow day ever being rescinded before.

Well, you all can take it up with the big man himself,

Principal Gibbons, when you get to school.

Uh, guess us lunch ladies have to defile God, too.

Uh, Honeybee, why don't we tag along?

Yeah, the van is a great place to talk,

make confessions, et cetera.

Uh, and I'll bring the Wolfies.

Ooh, good call babe.

We've been stuck in the car in a storm before

with no alcohol, and that is no way to live.

[Moon] Are we sure

school's open?

Looks pretty abandoned.

Hmm. Nice try. Here come

some other people now. Off you go.

Why's this joint so deserted?

-Something doesn't smell right. -Oh, that's me.

I'm trying the new Doritos Cool Ranch body spray.

[loud] Hi, guys.

Loud Sandy, it's early. Use your morning voice.

[louder] You got it.

Mr. Golovkin, where is everybody?

I don't know, Judy, do I look like the everybody police?

Wouldn't that just be the police?

Ham. Look, I'm already annoyed

that the snow day got rescinded.

Mary is out of town, so I planned to use today

to launch my model train VidVok channel

"ChuggaChuggaChooDude!," but now I can't,

so I guess just be on your phones

for the hour while I stew.

Uh, Mr. Golovkin, before I head to class,

can I trade in some of the DVDs you loaned me?

Of course. Let's see,

you are returning the classic films

A Poisoning in Paris

and The Crimson Claw.

I think I'll give you Murder On The Titanic

and Answer That, It's The Devil.

Attention, everyone,

due to the unforeseen absence

of Principal Gibbons this morning,

I, Ms. McNamara, am now automatically

Deputy Principal McNamara for the day.

-[all groaning] -Oh, no.

So we're stuck in school

and she's in charge?

This is getting worse by the minute.

All students and faculty, please report to the cafeteria

for an important announcement right now.

[Beef] Well, some news.

Uh, I can no longer see literally anything

and we are now stuck.

Dang it.

Say, didn't you mention something

about artisanal booze milkshakes?

Yeah. Maybe we should drink just a little.

Yeah, let's start with a little, see where it goes.

Maybe we all, uh, talk about our love lives.

-What the hell? -It's Marie.

Pop the trunk, Dad.

Oh, thank God I found you.

I couldn't see the road, so I was following you.

But you disappeared. And to make things worse,

there's no booze in my car. [chuckles]

Oh, then we've got great news for you.

Hello, welcome.

Is Principal Gibbons dead?

I never got to say thank you.

No, Russell, he's likely

just trapped in the blizzard somewhere,

possibly in a lot of danger.

Phew.

So, what's the skinny?

Can we all ska-doosh on home?

No, Moon. There are just enough of us

to complete some long overdue

campus beautification tasks.

Wait, are you saying we're the only people here today?

Yes, you all and the deranged lunch woman.

Lunch today is New England Chunky Chowder.

I thought that soup was banned

'cause the FDA couldn't identify the chunks.

It was, but someone locked all the other cupboards

and fridges, sweetheart.

Someone locked up all the food?

And no other teachers are even here?

You're saying everyone else just ignored the robocall?

Well, that or... Hmm.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That for some dastardly reason,

we're the only ones who got the call in the first place.

It's just like the classic 1936 cinematic masterpiece

-Hung Jury. -Hung Jury.

In Hung Jury, those summoned to serve on a murder jury

turned out not to be selected randomly.

They were called by a murderous judge

who then poisoned their state-provided sack lunches.

Wait. You think some sicko targeted us,

stole our snow day?

This is ridiculous. You're not being targeted.

Go put your things in your lockers.

[shrieks] Glitter bomb!

[all exclaim]

Russell, no! Don't open your locker.

Okay. Aah!

Russell, I just told you not to open that.

Oh, I thought you said, "Russell, no.

Do open your locker."

Who would ever say that?

[coughs]

The real question is what kind of villain

would steal our snow day,

make us eat dangerous chowder and prank our lockers?

Looks like we have a mystery on our hands.

And in our lungs. [coughs]

All right, so, seems like we've got a crime on our hands.

Moon, where did you get that trench coat?

Lost and found.

And it's "Detective Moon" to you.

-Oh, my God. -Savvy this, chief.

There's no way that robocall was real.

You have no evidence of that.

Or do I?

Well, do you?

I'm working on it. I wish I could hear that call.

Did anyone let Gibbons go to voicemail?

-I always do. -[Gibbons, stilted] You may-

have- received a snow day notice

in "ear-or."

You are expect-ed at school today.

Be nor-mal.

[gasps] That call. It's a flim-flam job.

A Cincinnati fake.

It's spliced, Johnny.

Phonier than my ex-wife's tears.

You gotta let us out of here, boss.

Moon, I do not have the power

to cancel the canceling of the snow day.

But what if I could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt...

Classic movie.

...that the snow day was never canceled at all?

Fine, Moon, if you get a full confession

that someone faked that call, you can all go home.

Now, let's dive in to these beautification projects. Sandy,

you take Russell and Quinn to the library

to un-dog-ear any and all pages.

[loud] I'm permanently banned from the library.

Ban temporarily lifted.

Judy and Ham, you'll be in the gym with me,

polishing the basketballs.

They are dull. It's embarrassing.

Moon and Mr. Golovkin, you'll be scraping gum

off of every desk in this school.

Huh, looks like we're headed

from one sticky situation

into another.

And stop talking like an old-fashioned detective!

All right, do we de-gum front to back

or back to front?

The only gum we're dealing with

-is the gum on our shoes. -What?

Gumshoes, Moon. Detectives, named you and me.

We're gonna solve this mystery and get everyone out of here.

-Great coat. -Oh, thank you.

Terrence Twinkle Toes wore it

for his Singin' in the Rain medley

and forgot it in the gym,

but it also works for detective stuff.

Okay, partner, then let's talk suspects.

Could it be that substitute teacher, Mr. Weiner?

We make him cry a lot,

but it's not our fault his name is basically Mr. Penis.

Oh, no. He's actually in jail.

Turns out he was also a substitute arsonist.

So, they were back to square one,

a shape they knew all too well.

Okay, chills.

Uh, my favorite bar is now officially our van.

-[laughs] -[siren chirps]

Gah! It's the fuzz!

Take the keys out, Dad. No keys, no crime.

Ow! Hey, guys.

[sniffs] Do I smell Wolf's Wolfies?

Open the vehicle, please.

'Cause I want in!

[cheering]

Should we get some tunes going?

[radio static]

Well, it appears we have no radio.

Babe, you thinking what I'm thinking?

That we've been workshopping a call-in radio show

and this is the perfect time to do a trial episode.

Yep. I downloaded an app with sick sound effects.

This is Big Baby Duck...

And the Chain Saw!

[clown horn honks]

Dang, that was supposed to be a chain saw.

Oh, we got to choose a topic.

Okay. Well, how about, uh, secrets?

Do we have any callers?

Anyone, like, uh, you know, maybe a dad

with, uh, something they'd like to share.

[imitates phone ringing]

Okay. Or, uh, Edna.

You're on the air.

I got on! All right, my secret is...

I lost my police-issued handcuffs.

These handcuffs are from a magic set.

Ooh! Good secret, Edna.

And honestly, the last person

who should have real handcuffs is a cop.

[laughs] I know that's right.

-[chain saw buzzes] -Found it.

Here's what we know.

This plan was so elaborate,

our villain must have set it up ahead of time.

Right. So we need to rule out every single person

who was at school yesterday.

I guess we go alphabetically?

Okay, okay.

Do we like Annabelle Applebarrel for this?

She's five, so I'm gonna say no.

-What's in your flask? -Chocolate milk.

Right. Me, too.

Wait, why are the daily announcements coming on now?

What is th... Why am I... Oh, no.

And now, I hope the Teacher of the Year selection committee

will consider a different type of submission.

In song.

No one was ever supposed to see this.

? Bra-da, da-da-da-dah ?

? Oh, I sing with pride ? -[Ham and Judy] Hmm?

? I sing with joy ?

? I cherish every Lone Moose girl and boy. ?

[announcer] Your new Lone Moose

-Teenie Queenie, Quinn. -Huh?

? Tobin brothers, and we're here to say ?

? That we hope you have... ?

Oh, no, not my embarrassing rap video.

I thought I destroyed all the copies.

[Sandy] I take thee,

Skibidi Toilet,

to be my lawfully wedded husband.

[crying] I can't get down.

Blow winds and crack

your cheeks... [shrieks]

[grunting]

"Embarrassing Videos."

Well, it says what it is.

Whoever set the glitter bombs last night

must have set up this video, too.

No, that can't be right.

When I did the announcements this morning in here,

there was no DVD in the DVD player.

I'm sure of it. Whoever put that video in

did so after 8:00 a.m. today.

But if the DVD wasn't in here when you arrived this morning,

that can only mean...

Whoever lured us to school isn't out there.

The culprit's here.

The psychopath is one of us.

Moon, you really think one of us did this?

-Someone in this very room? -Exactly.

Disgusting. The fact that I secretly find teaching

deeply fulfilling is no one's business.

Well, it wasn't me.

What me and Skibidi Toilet have is private.

Was it you, Judy?

Me? [scoffs] I could be home right now

watching dumb TV and working on my jewelry line Judetudes.

Maybe it was Ham.

You think I wanted people to see me

acting like Macklemore?

Even Macklemore doesn't want that!

This fighting isn't getting us anywhere.

A likely story from the one person

who was not on that tape.

-[all shout] -[Russell] Spooky writing.

My God. We're dealing with someone truly demented.

A Folsom State freak.

A Sing Sing psychopath.

It's just some words on a door.

[groans] Enough. Everyone, go back to work.

Ham, Judy, you go with Mr. Golovkin this time,

and I am gonna stand here and guard this machine

so that there are no more interruptions.

And no more detective stuff!

Ham, Judy, now you can help us with the detective stuff.

And we're sure everyone in this room has an alibi?

Yes, I saw Ham with my own eyes all last night,

-baking cookies. -Guilty.

Mr. Golovkin, you said your train club fellows

-can vouch for you? -Choo choo.

And I was on a Zoom with my friends all night last night

watching the Real Dogsitters of Manitoba wedding episode.

Loud Sandy was on that Zoom, too.

She was unmuted a lot.

And Tuesdays, Quinn has flute lessons, art lessons,

and her time management skills class.

So that leaves McNamara,

-Russell and Dirt. -Hmm.

Ms. McNamara hates children,

she was not on the video,

and she's been acting

drunk with power all day.

Look, no one likes children,

but otherwise, your reasoning is sound.

So, much like the Marlene Dietrich classic film

Sound Reasoning in Cairo,

we must venture into a forbidden crypt

to look for evidence against Ms. McNamara.

Don't touch anything.

I could get in big trouble

for letting you in here and... [grunts]

[groans]

Sorry, Mr. G,

I accidentally hit you in the head on purpose

with a coffee mug.

I-I thought you guys were burglars.

What in the... What are you doing in here, Russell?

And why are you wearing a swimsuit?

Russell heard a rumor in second grade

that the teachers' lounge has a hot tub,

and he's been trying to get in here ever since.

What? No. There's definitely not a hot tub in here.

Then what is that dial that says "jet timer"?

And what's in that enormous cabinet

that reeks of chlorine?

We'll look for evidence against Ms. McNamara elsewhere.

Everyone out.

All right, ace, let's cut to the chase.

Do you have an alibi for last night?

Yes. My mom and Jamie and I went to Blended Family Night

at the Gubba Bump's Clam Association in Ted's Folly.

Okay, so that's an 86 on Russell.

Time to go shake down mean Ms. McNamara.

Yeah, she's mean at school, but she's really nice

when she's working at Gubba Bump's Clam Association.

-[kids gasp] -What are you talking about?

She was our waitress last night.

Said she really needs that second job.

Something about charter schools and her debts at the track?

Damn it. That's everyone except...

Your Aunt Dirt. You like her for this?

She fits the profile:

adores chaos and dislikes everybody.

Ham, Judy, Russell, please go gather the others

and meet us in the cafeteria.

I'm hungry... for answers.

And I'm thirsty... for juice.

So, long story short, I'm wanted in Albuquerque.

What a gorgeous city to be wanted in.

Let's get back on the line.

Anyone out there who hasn't called in yet with a secret?

Dad, anything life-altering happen lately

that, for some reason, you are not mentioning at all?

Okay, fine, I'll call in.

Phone ringing sound, phone ringing sound.

You're on with Big Baby Duck and the Chain Saw.

Hello, Mr. Duck, Ms. Saw.

Um, my secret is,

I, uh, I...

sometimes I change the HVAC filters

a week or two before I need to.

It brings me enormous pleasure.

Uh, doesn't the caller maybe have a secret about a breakup?

Looks like we have a second caller

breaking through on the line.

Okay, fine. My girlfriend Carissa and I

did break up a couple weeks ago.

Why didn't you tell us sooner, Beef?

Yeah, Carissa told me right away.

I just didn't want anyone to worry.

I know I've had trouble with heartbreak in the past.

True, but only for years and years at a time.

Yep. But in this case, the breakup was mutual

and mature. And I'm actually doing good.

Any time I get really down,

I simply change the HVAC filters.

Wow, Beef, that's really progress for you.

[sniffles] This show changes lives.

[chain saw revs]

[duck quacks]

[Moon clears throat]

Well, hell, if it isn't the fuzz.

Perfect timing. The chunks are finally dead.

Save it, beloved aunt.

We know it's you.

What? You think I did the RoboCop

and trapped you all here?

If I did this, I'd be gloating my crack off.

Nah, my crack's intact, and my money is on

whosever hiding in the ceiling.

What are you talking about?

I've been hearing scuttling up there all day long.

-[Bethany] My ears are burning. -[all gasp]

Also, my nose is burning.

What on earth are you cooking?

Well, the plot thickens.

And so does the chowder.

I'm gonna have to carve this tableside.

So, Bethany, you summoned us all

to the school? But why?

Um, I didn't summon anyone.

I've been living in the school all week

because my Mom threatened me

with something called a "family dinner."

All right, but you must have seen something, Bethany.

Sing, canary, sing.

Fine, I guess I saw one weird thing.

Last night a cloaked figure was roaming the halls,

scatting and tapping as it floated.

[gasps] But...

it can't be. Unless... Aunt Dirt,

I think it's time to dish out lunch,

because I'm ready to serve the name of our villain.

I have gathered you all here today

because I have solved the mystery

of who gathered us all here today.

It was none other than...

-my sister Judy. -[all gasping]

[laughs] What?

That's ridiculous.

Remember? My alibi?

Do I have to show you the proof again?

Yes, there you are. Time stamp is correct,

your witnesses are all present,

but you forgot one thing,

or should I say, one word.

I'm quite sure I don't know what you mean.

I'm talking about our word-of-the-day calendars.

I have the same one you have, Judy.

Dad got them on a two-for-one sale at the Val-U-Buy.

It's fine. I didn't want one.

And yesterday the word of the day was "rescind."

But in your alibi photo,

the word of the day on that calendar

is "globular"

because you took a video of yourself

the day before yesterday, put it up as a background,

and pretended to be in the watch party.

Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated use of Zoom.

But why, Judy? Why?

I can answer that question.

See, it all started with last month's visit

from Tommy Trickle Toes-

Terrence Twinkle Toes. Show some G-darn respect.

And now I will do my dramatic confession.

I was thrilled to see my hero

Terrence Twinkle Toes perform in person.

And I was even more thrilled when Mr. Golovkin said

I could do some soft shoe for Terrence

in the gym after his show.

I was actually being sarcastic,

but you didn't pick up on that.

However, that fateful day

Russell was the birthday king,

meaning he got to choose what lunch the cafeteria served.

He selected

chili boats and bean burritos.

It was oh so scrumptious.

Moon had just recently gifted me a pair

of discount tap shoes.

But they were cheap and slippery,

which was made even worse

by the fact that junior janitor Quinn

had just buffed the floors.

I'm the best in the biz. Sue me.

All this meant that as I moved out of my Maxie Ford

into my double-handed Winchester, I slipped.

And being so full of gas from the birthday feast...

-[burping and farting] -...I burped and farted simultaneously

in front of my tap dance hero.

And it was loud, so loud,

because Ham had insisted that I mic myself.

I wanted everyone to hear the taps.

But you didn't turn it down when I farted!

You had time.

13 seconds the farts went on, Ham.

I was distracted because I was laughing so hard.

But you weren't the first to laugh, were you?

-That was you. -Me?

[laughing loudly]

[Judy] Once Loud Sandy's laugh began,

everyone joined in. Even Terrence.

The laughter still rings in my ears.

And I've spent the past month watching the Weather Channel

and plotting my perfect revenge.

So why am I here?

You're just collateral damage.

I respect that. Fog of war.

I was driven so insane

that I made the ultimate sacrifice:

giving up my own snow day to be here.

It was worth it to watch you all suffer. [laughs]

That's why I included Ms. McNamara,

to inflict the maximum amount of pain! 'Cause she's a dud.

Okay. Rude.

Oh, and I'm not done yet.

Now, to complete your punishment,

you will all sit and watch me finish my performance

in silent appreciation.

[gasps]

[farting and burping]

Oh, come on.

All right, you got your confession, Moon.

I guess you can all call your parents to pick you up.

-Yes. -Dang it.

Whoa, you guys got here fast.

Actually, it turns out we never left.

And, exciting news, Ham. [hiccups]

You will be driving us all home

'cause we are all very, very drunk.

Also, I broke up with my girlfriend and I'm fine.

I guess that's case closed.

Nice working with you, partner.

You, too, partner.

Promise me one thing?

What's that, Eddie?

Give them Snowball Boyz hell today.

Moon, Russell. Oh, thank God.

The Snowball Boyz are about to show up.

Where have you guys been?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you, dollface.

Ow! Snowball Boyz!

Take cover, take cover!

[grunting]

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

[clears throat]

? These sandwiches are poison ?

? Poison, poison, poison, poison ?

-? Poison ? -? Your Honor, objection ?

? Those sandwiches are perfection ?

? Sustained ?

? Now remember, you're all under oath ?

? How was the tuna fish on toast? ?

? Delicious but deadly ?

? Perhaps I'll try the veggie medley ?

-? I love the law ? -? We love the law ?

-? Court come to order ? -? Court come to order ?

? There's been 12 murders. ?

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