All language subtitles for The Great North s05e09 Dial M for Moon-der Adventure.eng

-? The Great North ?
-? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night
to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

[cheering]

[DJ] This is Rowdy Randy
and the Pickle Pack

bringing you all
the local Alaskan news

after your snooze.
[imitates snore]

And now, school closures.

Here we go.

Death Cliff Academy is closed.

Saint Whippleton Reformatory
is closed.

Come on, come on...

And Lone Moose School is closed.

Yes!

Don't go there 'cause
there's snow there.

Hell yeah, the word
of the day is "jubilant."

I'm not learning crap today.

[Honeybee] Are you sure your dad
broke up with Carissa?

I mean, she was
his actual girlfriend.

-He seems fine.
-I know.

Apparently, it's been,
like, weeks

and he hasn't said anything.

But I made a batch of extremely
alcoholic Wolf's Wolfies

to drink today
so we can get him talking.

Snow day...! Ow.

So, does everyone have
big plans for their day off?

Henry, Russell and I
are gonna build

Snow Fort Extreme Kill-Death,

aka The Barrage Mahal,

for our battle
with the Snowball Boyz.

Oh, snap.
Everyone's terrified of them,

even though
they're only in first grade.

I'm pretty sure Denny Hammond
is actually the pitcher

for the Toronto Blue Jays.

He just stoops over
to look short.

Oh, uh, Judy, if your big plan
for the snow day

involves practicing
your tap dancing again,

can you kindly
not scat at the same time?

It makes me a little, uh-

what's the phrase-
move back to Fresno.

Oh, don't worry, I gave up
the rhythmic foot arts.

What? Why?

I thought you were gonna be
the next Terrence Twinkle Toes,

Anchorage's cramp roll king.

[chortles]

Oh, I know why.

One more word and I will
tap dance on your grave.

But I got you
those discount tap shoes

from Sir Dance-A-Lot's
for your birthday,

and now you're just...
[chuckles]

farting it away.

[giggles]
Farting it away.

[phone rings]

Tobin residence.
[gasps]

No. What?
No. No!

Uh-oh, sounds like the results

of her personality test
came back.

That was a robocall
from Principal Gibbons.

He rescinded the snow day!

Is that legal?

[Moon moans]

Moon, you okay, bud?

Snow days are God's days.

A rare moment gifted upon us
by the heavens

to escape the
ordinary drudgery of existence.

To rescind a snow day
is to defile God.

This is so weird.

I can't remember a snow day
ever being rescinded before.

Well, you all can take it up
with the big man himself,

Principal Gibbons,
when you get to school.

Uh, guess us lunch ladies
have to defile God, too.

Uh, Honeybee,
why don't we tag along?

Yeah, the van
is a great place to talk,

make confessions, et cetera.

Uh, and I'll bring the Wolfies.

Ooh, good call babe.

We've been stuck in the car
in a storm before

with no alcohol,
and that is no way to live.

[Moon]
Are we sure

school's open?

Looks pretty abandoned.

Hmm. Nice try. Here come

some other people now.
Off you go.

Why's this joint so deserted?

-Something doesn't smell right.
-Oh, that's me.

I'm trying the new Doritos
Cool Ranch body spray.

[loud] Hi, guys.

Loud Sandy, it's early.
Use your morning voice.

[louder] You got it.

Mr. Golovkin,
where is everybody?

I don't know, Judy, do I look
like the everybody police?

Wouldn't that
just be the police?

Ham.
Look, I'm already annoyed

that the snow day got rescinded.

Mary is out of town,
so I planned to use today

to launch my model train
VidVok channel

"ChuggaChuggaChooDude!,"
but now I can't,

so I guess
just be on your phones

for the hour while I stew.

Uh, Mr. Golovkin,
before I head to class,

can I trade in some
of the DVDs you loaned me?

Of course.
Let's see,

you are returning
the classic films

A Poisoning in Paris

and The Crimson Claw.

I think I'll give you
Murder On The Titanic

and Answer That, It's The Devil.

Attention, everyone,

due to the unforeseen absence

of Principal Gibbons
this morning,

I, Ms. McNamara,
am now automatically

Deputy Principal McNamara
for the day.

-[all groaning]
-Oh, no.

So we're stuck in school

and she's in charge?

This is getting worse
by the minute.

All students and faculty,
please report to the cafeteria

for an important
announcement right now.

[Beef]
Well, some news.

Uh, I can no longer
see literally anything

and we are now stuck.

Dang it.

Say, didn't
you mention something

about artisanal
booze milkshakes?

Yeah. Maybe we should
drink just a little.

Yeah, let's start with a little,
see where it goes.

Maybe we all, uh,
talk about our love lives.

-What the hell?
-It's Marie.

Pop the trunk, Dad.

Oh, thank God I found you.

I couldn't see the road,
so I was following you.

But you disappeared.
And to make things worse,

there's no booze in my car.
[chuckles]

Oh, then we've
got great news for you.

Hello, welcome.

Is Principal Gibbons dead?

I never got to say thank you.

No, Russell, he's likely

just trapped in
the blizzard somewhere,

possibly in a lot of danger.

Phew.

So, what's the skinny?

Can we all ska-doosh on home?

No, Moon.
There are just enough of us

to complete some long overdue

campus beautification tasks.

Wait, are you saying we're
the only people here today?

Yes, you all
and the deranged lunch woman.

Lunch today
is New England Chunky Chowder.

I thought that soup was banned

'cause the FDA
couldn't identify the chunks.

It was, but someone locked
all the other cupboards

and fridges, sweetheart.

Someone locked up all the food?

And no other teachers
are even here?

You're saying everyone else
just ignored the robocall?

Well, that or... Hmm.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That for some dastardly reason,

we're the only ones who got
the call in the first place.

It's just like the classic
1936 cinematic masterpiece

-Hung Jury.
-Hung Jury.

In Hung Jury, those summoned
to serve on a murder jury

turned out not to be
selected randomly.

They were called
by a murderous judge

who then poisoned their
state-provided sack lunches.

Wait. You think
some sicko targeted us,

stole our snow day?

This is ridiculous.
You're not being targeted.

Go put your things
in your lockers.

[shrieks]
Glitter bomb!

[all exclaim]

Russell, no!
Don't open your locker.

Okay. Aah!

Russell, I just told you
not to open that.

Oh, I thought
you said, "Russell, no.

Do open your locker."

Who would ever say that?

[coughs]

The real question
is what kind of villain

would steal our snow day,

make us eat dangerous chowder
and prank our lockers?

Looks like we have
a mystery on our hands.

And in our lungs. [coughs]

All right, so, seems like
we've got a crime on our hands.

Moon, where did you get
that trench coat?

Lost and found.

And it's "Detective Moon"
to you.

-Oh, my God.
-Savvy this, chief.

There's no way
that robocall was real.

You have no evidence of that.

Or do I?

Well, do you?

I'm working on it.
I wish I could hear that call.

Did anyone let Gibbons
go to voicemail?

-I always do.
-[Gibbons, stilted] You may-

have- received
a snow day notice

in "ear-or."

You are expect-ed
at school today.

Be nor-mal.

[gasps] That call.
It's a flim-flam job.

A Cincinnati fake.

It's spliced, Johnny.

Phonier than my ex-wife's tears.

You gotta
let us out of here, boss.

Moon, I do not have the power

to cancel the canceling
of the snow day.

But what if I could prove
beyond a shadow of a doubt...

Classic movie.

...that the snow day was
never canceled at all?

Fine, Moon,
if you get a full confession

that someone faked that call,
you can all go home.

Now, let's dive in to these
beautification projects. Sandy,

you take Russell and Quinn
to the library

to un-dog-ear any and all pages.

[loud] I'm permanently banned
from the library.

Ban temporarily lifted.

Judy and Ham,
you'll be in the gym with me,

polishing the basketballs.

They are dull.
It's embarrassing.

Moon and Mr. Golovkin,
you'll be scraping gum

off of every desk
in this school.

Huh, looks like we're headed

from one sticky situation

into another.

And stop talking like
an old-fashioned detective!

All right,
do we de-gum front to back

or back to front?

The only gum we're dealing with

-is the gum on our shoes.
-What?

Gumshoes, Moon.
Detectives, named you and me.

We're gonna solve this mystery
and get everyone out of here.

-Great coat.
-Oh, thank you.

Terrence Twinkle Toes wore it

for his
Singin' in the Rain medley

and forgot it in the gym,

but it also works
for detective stuff.

Okay, partner,
then let's talk suspects.

Could it be that
substitute teacher, Mr. Weiner?

We make him cry a lot,

but it's not our fault his name
is basically Mr. Penis.

Oh, no.
He's actually in jail.

Turns out he was also
a substitute arsonist.

So, they were
back to square one,

a shape they knew all too well.

Okay, chills.

Uh, my favorite bar
is now officially our van.

-[laughs]
-[siren chirps]

Gah!
It's the fuzz!

Take the keys out, Dad.
No keys, no crime.

Ow!
Hey, guys.

[sniffs]
Do I smell Wolf's Wolfies?

Open the vehicle, please.

'Cause I want in!

[cheering]

Should we get some tunes going?

[radio static]

Well, it appears
we have no radio.

Babe, you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That we've been workshopping
a call-in radio show

and this is the perfect time
to do a trial episode.

Yep. I downloaded an app
with sick sound effects.

This is Big Baby Duck...

And the Chain Saw!

[clown horn honks]

Dang, that was supposed
to be a chain saw.

Oh, we got to choose a topic.

Okay.
Well, how about, uh, secrets?

Do we have any callers?

Anyone, like, uh,
you know, maybe a dad

with, uh, something
they'd like to share.

[imitates phone ringing]

Okay.
Or, uh, Edna.

You're on the air.

I got on!
All right, my secret is...

I lost
my police-issued handcuffs.

These handcuffs
are from a magic set.

Ooh!
Good secret, Edna.

And honestly, the last person

who should have real handcuffs
is a cop.

[laughs]
I know that's right.

-[chain saw buzzes]
-Found it.

Here's what we know.

This plan was so elaborate,

our villain must have
set it up ahead of time.

Right. So we need to rule out
every single person

who was at school yesterday.

I guess we go alphabetically?

Okay, okay.

Do we like
Annabelle Applebarrel for this?

She's five, so I'm gonna say no.

-What's in your flask?
-Chocolate milk.

Right. Me, too.

Wait, why are the daily
announcements coming on now?

What is th...
Why am I... Oh, no.

And now, I hope the Teacher of
the Year selection committee

will consider a different type
of submission.

In song.

No one was ever
supposed to see this.

? Bra-da, da-da-da-dah ?

? Oh, I sing with pride ?
-[Ham and Judy] Hmm?

? I sing with joy ?

? I cherish every
Lone Moose girl and boy. ?

[announcer]
Your new Lone Moose

-Teenie Queenie, Quinn.
-Huh?

? Tobin brothers,
and we're here to say ?

? That we hope you have... ?

Oh, no, not
my embarrassing rap video.

I thought
I destroyed all the copies.

[Sandy]
I take thee,

Skibidi Toilet,

to be my lawfully
wedded husband.

[crying] I can't get down.

Blow winds and crack

your cheeks...
[shrieks]

[grunting]

"Embarrassing Videos."

Well, it says what it is.

Whoever set
the glitter bombs last night

must have set up
this video, too.

No, that can't be right.

When I did the announcements
this morning in here,

there was no DVD
in the DVD player.

I'm sure of it.
Whoever put that video in

did so after 8:00 a.m. today.

But if the DVD wasn't in here
when you arrived this morning,

that can only mean...

Whoever lured us to school
isn't out there.

The culprit's here.

The psychopath is one of us.

Moon, you really think one
of us did this?

-Someone in this very room?
-Exactly.

Disgusting. The fact
that I secretly find teaching

deeply fulfilling
is no one's business.

Well, it wasn't me.

What me and Skibidi Toilet
have is private.

Was it you, Judy?

Me? [scoffs]
I could be home right now

watching dumb TV and working
on my jewelry line Judetudes.

Maybe it was Ham.

You think I wanted
people to see me

acting like Macklemore?

Even Macklemore
doesn't want that!

This fighting
isn't getting us anywhere.

A likely story
from the one person

who was not on that tape.

-[all shout]
-[Russell] Spooky writing.

My God. We're dealing
with someone truly demented.

A Folsom State freak.

A Sing Sing psychopath.

It's just some words on a door.

[groans] Enough.
Everyone, go back to work.

Ham, Judy, you go
with Mr. Golovkin this time,

and I am gonna stand here
and guard this machine

so that there are
no more interruptions.

And no more detective stuff!

Ham, Judy, now you can help us
with the detective stuff.

And we're sure everyone
in this room has an alibi?

Yes, I saw Ham with my own eyes
all last night,

-baking cookies.
-Guilty.

Mr. Golovkin, you said
your train club fellows

-can vouch for you?
-Choo choo.

And I was on a Zoom with
my friends all night last night

watching the Real Dogsitters
of Manitoba wedding episode.

Loud Sandy was
on that Zoom, too.

She was unmuted a lot.

And Tuesdays, Quinn
has flute lessons, art lessons,

and her
time management skills class.

So that leaves McNamara,

-Russell and Dirt.
-Hmm.

Ms. McNamara hates children,

she was not on the video,

and she's been acting

drunk with power all day.

Look, no one likes children,

but otherwise,
your reasoning is sound.

So, much like the
Marlene Dietrich classic film

Sound Reasoning in Cairo,

we must venture into
a forbidden crypt

to look for evidence
against Ms. McNamara.

Don't touch anything.

I could get in big trouble

for letting you in here and...
[grunts]

[groans]

Sorry, Mr. G,

I accidentally hit you
in the head on purpose

with a coffee mug.

I-I thought you guys
were burglars.

What in the... What are you
doing in here, Russell?

And why are you
wearing a swimsuit?

Russell heard a rumor
in second grade

that the teachers' lounge
has a hot tub,

and he's been trying
to get in here ever since.

What? No. There's definitely
not a hot tub in here.

Then what is that dial
that says "jet timer"?

And what's
in that enormous cabinet

that reeks of chlorine?

We'll look for evidence
against Ms. McNamara elsewhere.

Everyone out.

All right, ace,
let's cut to the chase.

Do you have
an alibi for last night?

Yes. My mom and Jamie and I
went to Blended Family Night

at the Gubba Bump's Clam
Association in Ted's Folly.

Okay, so that's
an 86 on Russell.

Time to go shake down
mean Ms. McNamara.

Yeah, she's mean at school,
but she's really nice

when she's working at
Gubba Bump's Clam Association.

-[kids gasp]
-What are you talking about?

She was our waitress last night.

Said she really needs
that second job.

Something about charter schools
and her debts at the track?

Damn it.
That's everyone except...

Your Aunt Dirt.
You like her for this?

She fits the profile:

adores chaos
and dislikes everybody.

Ham, Judy, Russell,
please go gather the others

and meet us in the cafeteria.

I'm hungry... for answers.

And I'm thirsty... for juice.

So, long story short,
I'm wanted in Albuquerque.

What a gorgeous city
to be wanted in.

Let's get back on the line.

Anyone out there who hasn't
called in yet with a secret?

Dad, anything life-altering
happen lately

that, for some reason,
you are not mentioning at all?

Okay, fine, I'll call in.

Phone ringing sound,
phone ringing sound.

You're on with Big Baby Duck
and the Chain Saw.

Hello, Mr. Duck, Ms. Saw.

Um, my secret is,

I, uh, I...

sometimes I change
the HVAC filters

a week or two before I need to.

It brings me enormous pleasure.

Uh, doesn't the caller maybe
have a secret about a breakup?

Looks like
we have a second caller

breaking through on the line.

Okay, fine.
My girlfriend Carissa and I

did break up a couple weeks ago.

Why didn't you
tell us sooner, Beef?

Yeah, Carissa
told me right away.

I just didn't want
anyone to worry.

I know I've had trouble
with heartbreak in the past.

True, but only for years
and years at a time.

Yep. But in this case,
the breakup was mutual

and mature.
And I'm actually doing good.

Any time I get really down,

I simply change
the HVAC filters.

Wow, Beef,
that's really progress for you.

[sniffles]
This show changes lives.

[chain saw revs]

[duck quacks]

[Moon clears throat]

Well, hell,
if it isn't the fuzz.

Perfect timing.
The chunks are finally dead.

Save it, beloved aunt.

We know it's you.

What? You think
I did the RoboCop

and trapped you all here?

If I did this, I'd be
gloating my crack off.

Nah, my crack's intact,
and my money is on

whosever hiding
in the ceiling.

What are you talking about?

I've been hearing scuttling
up there all day long.

-[Bethany] My ears are burning.
-[all gasp]

Also, my nose is burning.

What on earth are you cooking?

Well, the plot thickens.

And so does the chowder.

I'm gonna have to carve this
tableside.

So, Bethany, you summoned us all

to the school? But why?

Um, I didn't summon anyone.

I've been living
in the school all week

because my Mom threatened me

with something called
a "family dinner."

All right, but you must have
seen something, Bethany.

Sing, canary, sing.

Fine, I guess
I saw one weird thing.

Last night a cloaked figure
was roaming the halls,

scatting and tapping
as it floated.

[gasps] But...

it can't be.
Unless... Aunt Dirt,

I think
it's time to dish out lunch,

because I'm ready to serve
the name of our villain.

I have gathered you all
here today

because I have solved
the mystery

of who gathered us all
here today.

It was none other than...

-my sister Judy.
-[all gasping]

[laughs]
What?

That's ridiculous.

Remember? My alibi?

Do I have to show you
the proof again?

Yes, there you are.
Time stamp is correct,

your witnesses are all present,

but you forgot one thing,

or should I say, one word.

I'm quite sure
I don't know what you mean.

I'm talking about our
word-of-the-day calendars.

I have the same one
you have, Judy.

Dad got them on a two-for-one
sale at the Val-U-Buy.

It's fine. I didn't want one.

And yesterday the word
of the day was "rescind."

But in your alibi photo,

the word of the day
on that calendar

is "globular"

because you took
a video of yourself

the day before yesterday,
put it up as a background,

and pretended to be
in the watch party.

Wow, that's a pretty
sophisticated use of Zoom.

But why, Judy? Why?

I can answer that question.

See, it all started
with last month's visit

from Tommy Trickle Toes-

Terrence Twinkle Toes.
Show some G-darn respect.

And now I will do
my dramatic confession.

I was thrilled to see my hero

Terrence Twinkle Toes
perform in person.

And I was even more thrilled
when Mr. Golovkin said

I could do
some soft shoe for Terrence

in the gym after his show.

I was actually being sarcastic,

but you didn't pick up on that.

However, that fateful day

Russell was the birthday king,

meaning he got to choose
what lunch the cafeteria served.

He selected

chili boats and bean burritos.

It was oh so scrumptious.

Moon had just recently
gifted me a pair

of discount tap shoes.

But they were
cheap and slippery,

which was made even worse

by the fact that
junior janitor Quinn

had just buffed the floors.

I'm the best in the biz. Sue me.

All this meant that
as I moved out of my Maxie Ford

into my double-handed
Winchester, I slipped.

And being so full of gas
from the birthday feast...

-[burping and farting]
-...I burped and farted simultaneously

in front of my tap dance hero.

And it was loud, so loud,

because Ham had insisted
that I mic myself.

I wanted everyone
to hear the taps.

But you didn't
turn it down when I farted!

You had time.

13 seconds
the farts went on, Ham.

I was distracted because
I was laughing so hard.

But you weren't the first
to laugh, were you?

-That was you.
-Me?

[laughing loudly]

[Judy]
Once Loud Sandy's laugh began,

everyone joined in.
Even Terrence.

The laughter
still rings in my ears.

And I've spent the past month
watching the Weather Channel

and plotting my perfect revenge.

So why am I here?

You're just collateral damage.

I respect that. Fog of war.

I was driven so insane

that I made
the ultimate sacrifice:

giving up my own snow day
to be here.

It was worth it to watch
you all suffer. [laughs]

That's why
I included Ms. McNamara,

to inflict the maximum amount
of pain! 'Cause she's a dud.

Okay. Rude.

Oh, and I'm not done yet.

Now, to complete
your punishment,

you will all sit and watch me
finish my performance

in silent appreciation.

[gasps]

[farting and burping]

Oh, come on.

All right, you got
your confession, Moon.

I guess you can all call
your parents to pick you up.

-Yes.
-Dang it.

Whoa, you guys got here fast.

Actually, it turns out
we never left.

And, exciting news, Ham.
[hiccups]

You will be
driving us all home

'cause we are all
very, very drunk.

Also, I broke up with my
girlfriend and I'm fine.

I guess that's case closed.

Nice working with you, partner.

You, too, partner.

Promise me one thing?

What's that, Eddie?

Give them
Snowball Boyz hell today.

Moon, Russell. Oh, thank God.

The Snowball Boyz
are about to show up.

Where have you guys been?

You wouldn't believe me
if I told you, dollface.

Ow! Snowball Boyz!

Take cover, take cover!

[grunting]

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

[clears throat]

? These sandwiches are poison ?

? Poison, poison,
poison, poison ?

-? Poison ?
-? Your Honor, objection ?

? Those sandwiches
are perfection ?

? Sustained ?

? Now remember,
you're all under oath ?

? How was the tuna fish
on toast? ?

? Delicious but deadly ?

? Perhaps I'll try
the veggie medley ?

-? I love the law ?
-? We love the law ?

-? Court come to order ?
-? Court come to order ?

? There's been 12 murders. ?

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