Original subtitles

ADULT MARK (V.O.): In the sanctity of my room,

Steve and I had decided to write our own sketches.

-Captain's log, star date, 1990.

I beamed down to a strange new world.

It is newly found land, so I have decided to call it

"Land Found New."

-[Newfoundland accent] What are ya at, b'y?

-[gasps]

Phasers set for stun!

-It's too late!

I'm already stunned.

-Ah... huh.

I don't get it.

-Star Trek but set in Newfoundland, Pop.

It's satire.

-But why are the Newfoundlanders always the stupid ones?

I mean, don't sell out your culture!

-CBC radio is doing a couple of nights of young acts.

It's called Fresh Fish.

And if we get in, our skit will be on national radio!

-Ooh.

-Check it out.

-Ah!

What's a... "Cat Fud"?

-It's "cat food"!

-But the way a cat would spell it!

-Ah, I still don't get it.

-It's just so stupid, it's funny!

-You got the first part right!

Ah... [sighs]

-Spock, beam me up!

BOTH: Ahhh...

?

ADULT MARK (V.O.): I wasn't the only one

who was getting ready for a big show.

-Come on, will ya?

You're supposed to be making toilet paper flowers

for Suzanne's wedding. Here!

-Alright, I'm out.

-Where do you think you're going?

I got a friggin' wedding to plan!

-I gotta go to work.

You're in, Pop.

-[grumbles] Well...

-What?

-Well... I don't have my glasses.

-They're on your face.

-My other glasses!

-Well, can I get just get some jeezly help around here?

-I have a little project of my own,

and that, too, requires toilet paper.

-Oh! -Excuse me.

-[phone rings] -Oh!

-I got it! -[phone ringing]

-I got it- -Ah! Hello?

VOICE: [phone] Hello! Is this Mark Critch?

-Yeah, this is- this is he.

Is that right?

Bye, yeah.

We got it!

-No way!

We got it!

-What did you get?

-We got the show!

We get to do two sketches on national radio!

-Two? -And they're paying us!

A hundred bucks each! -Oh!

-Yeah, I told you you boys were gonna do it!

-Which night? -Tomorrow.

-Oh!

Oh, no you don't. The wedding's tomorrow.

-But it's our big break.

-Yeah, I'm... I'm sure Fox will understand.

-Her mother is getting married!

-Let him do it. I mean, come on...

I mean, they've worked too hard on this.

-Mom's right.

I can't let Fox down.

-I'm your partner.

You're letting me down.

-No, I...

ADULT MARK (V.O.): I was doing the right thing.

But why did it feel so wrong?

[door closes]

?

?

-Hold still for a second. -Make me!

-Jennifer, can you come down so I can see ya?

[Fox sighs heavily]

[sighs]

-Oh, my little woman!

-Okay!

Can I wear my sneakers tomorrow? These dumb shoes hurt.

-What are Paul's crowd gonna think

if you're wearing sneakers?

-You embarrassed of me?

-Will you stop twisting everything?

Look, here, sit down for a second.

-[sighs] What?

-I was wondering if you might say a few words at the wedding.

You know, something nice to welcome Paul to the family.

-No, I'm...

I'm no good at that kind of stuff.

-Is it 'cause you don't want to make a speech

or you don't want him in the family?

-Now who's twisting everything?

-I- -Okay, you know what?

No, I'm sick of talking about this stupid wedding!

-Hey!

-I don't wanna wear nothing I don't wanna wear,

and I don't wanna say nothing I don't wanna say!

?

-It's okay, Mudder.

[door slams upstairs]

-I'll give the speech.

-[inhales sharply]

[phone rings]

-Better listening, VOCM.

-I have to drop off the flowers and Mark wants a run downtown.

I won't be long, but...

I just don't want to leave Pop alone.

-He's fine, Mary.

He's just a little tired lately, is all.

-Something seems different.

-Damn thing is unnatural.

-Alright, look, I can take an early lunch.

But hurry on, will ya? I've only got an hour.

-Pop?

-[kettle hissing] -Pop?

Pop!

[dramatic music]

[smoke alarm beeping]

?

?

-What have you done now?

-The new kettle is electric, Pop!

You can't put it on the burner!

-Well, how the hell am I supposed to know

which kettle's which when you keep switching 'em out?

?

-Look, I...

-I don't wanna go the dumb wedding.

Asking me to say that I want Paul to be my step-dad?

That's too much!

-Follow your heart.

-Wait... really?

I thought you'd try and talk me out of it.

-I would never!

-What gives?

-We got the Fresh Fish show.

-What? No way! Look, I told you you'd get it.

-It's tomorrow night.

-But the wedding...

-You need to do that speech, and I need to be there for you.

-Don't be an idiot. -What?

-I know what it's like to be forced into doing something

just to make someone else happy.

-Look, the service is in the afternoon, right?

So, what if I come for that, then leave to do my show,

then come back after?

I'd miss your speech, but I'd be there for the dance.

-Okay, there's not gonna be a speech.

Seriously, go, okay?

I'll be mad if you don't.

-How did I get so lucky?

-Yeah, I honestly have no idea.

[both chuckle]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Star-crossed lovers, double-booked.

-It's the second time he's done it.

Could have burned the house down.

-I'll ask Dr. Bob if he can fit him in tomorrow

before the wedding. See what he has to say.

-Am I not included in this conversation?

I'm not a child, you know.

And I'm not senile.

-[plaintive music] -Oh, God...

?

?

-You okay?

-Well, I've still got my marbles,

if that's what you wanna know.

-You're the smartest person I know.

-Yeah, well...

you better keep that to yourself.

You know, your father's a traitor.

-Well, look, I...

It's hard to tell somebody that you love the truth.

But the people that step up and do...

those are the ones that really love you.

-[chuckles]

Now I know I'm getting old.

You're giving me advice.

You better go to bed.

Big day tomorrow.

For both of us.

Goodnight.

[poignant music]

?

?

[intriguing music]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): A race against the clock.

Late to sound check,

but still early for the wedding.

-I knew you wouldn't let me down.

-Of course.

-Can we get a level?

-Uh...

Hello?

-Check. Check one. Check.

-Okay? Sounds good.

-How many people will hear this?

-A million, if we're lucky.

-Hear that?

If this goes well, who knows what might happen?

-So... you boys are right off the top.

-Do you wanna run it? -Yeah.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): This was my big break,

but all that I was concerned about breaking was a heart.

-You know what?

I-I think we should wait for the show.

I don't wanna peak too soon.

Well, that's it. I'll- I'll just rest my voice.

-You're not serious.

You're going to that wedding, aren't you?

-I promise I'll be back in time.

-But we're first up!

ADULT MARK (V.O.): What can I say?

I was a people-pleaser.

A people-pleaser who seemed to be out to prove

that you can't please everyone.

-I feel like I'm a dog going to the vet to be snipped.

-I'll see if they do that too.

-Alright.

A few things have slipped my mind.

No reason to strap me to a chair and brainwash me.

-We're all worried about you, Pop.

We don't think you're losing your mind.

We just want some peace of mind, you know?

We don't wanna lose you.

Please?

-Well, what you waiting for?

-[silently] Thank you.

?

-Oh, that is a big crowd of people out there.

-You look gorgeous!

You ready?

-I don't think I can do this.

-Oh, it's just butterflies.

-What am I even doing? The kids hates him!

-Those kids are better off with a happy mother, believe me.

-But what if I'm just being selfish?

-Alright, you shut up and listen.

Now, I was so busy raising those boys, and the men,

that I nearly forgot who the hell I was.

And then I felt like I had no purpose

when they didn't need me anymore.

Who was I gonna give all that love to that I had?

Well, I started giving it to me.

And I took my course.

And I know who I am,

and I really like me.

You are gonna love you, too.

If you just do something for yourself for once.

So, go on out there and get married.

-I don't know about this.

-Either I can inspire you, or I can shove you.

But either way,

you are not getting cold feet at my wedding!

Hit it!

[organ playing Pachelbel's Canon in D]

?

-[sighs]

-Is Mom okay?

-She better be, if she knows what's good for her.

[chuckles]

?

-Go!

[starts playing Wagner's Bridal Chorus]

MARK: [clears throat]

Hell of a day for it, eh?

Sorry, sorry. Excuse me. Thank you.

[people murmuring]

[resumes playing Bridal Chorus]

?

?

-That's my mudder.

You hurts her, I hurts you.

[organ music continues]

?

-So, what do you want from me?

Name, birthday?

Who the prime minister is?

I mean, come on, let's get on with it.

I haven't got all day.

-Mr. Critch, can you draw me a clock face?

-Okay, now, he's not that far gone.

-Oh. Sweet of you.

-Draw me a clock face showing 10 minutes after 11.

-Ten minutes, hm...

After 11...

[sombre music]

?

?

?

-What now?

-Well, we can try medication to halt the process

for as long as we can...

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Time doesn't need a clock to tick away.

-But this is something that you'll have to live with

for the rest of your natural life.

I'm sorry.

[organ playing Mendelssohn's Wedding March]

-[Suzanne laughs] -[applause]

-Thanks! -Thanks. Hi!

[applause and organ music continue]

-Great couple 'a kids.

-Thanks. -I wish you all the best.

BOTH: Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

-[silently] I love you.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): I'd been there for her.

Now to be somewhere else for me.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): No matter how much we try

to stop the clock, we can't.

EMCEE: Welcome to the Terra Nova Fringe festival's Fresh Fish!

[applause]

-There you are.

-Here's a young act surely about to make waves

in Atlantic Canada.

Let's hear it for Cat Fud.

[applause]

-And now, Baywatch!

[audience chuckling]

[laughter]

-Some day.

-Water's some calm.

-Luh!

Whose boat is that?

-Skipper Eli's, I thinks.

BOTH: Baywatch!

[laughter and applause]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Fox was right.

I couldn't have missed this!

-So, aren't you gonna congratulate me?

-Guess you got your way. Good for you.

-You really aren't gonna give me a chance, are you?

-Okay, well, let's be honest.

I didn't ask you to be my step-dad, did I?

-You wanna be honest? Sure.

Okay. [sighs]

I didn't set out to marry a woman with four kids-

No- and it's not like I'm after the family fortune.

And I...

love your mother almost as much as she loves you.

So you can hate me if you want.

But I'm not going anywhere.

?

MARY: Attention, everyone!

Would you please take your seats?

It's time for the speeches.

?

MARK: And now...

we take you to Jerusalem,

where a young carpenter's son

is having his second last supper.

[laughter]

-Can I take your order?

-Yeah, uh, me and my friends would like a jug 'a water,

one order of the fish, and a single loaf of bread.

[laughter]

-A jug of water, an order of fish,

and one loaf for 12 guys?

-Is... is there a problem?

-Wait a minute...

I know you!

You're that carpenter's son!

-He's not my real dad!

[laughter and applause]

-Paul, uh...

Paul's a good guy.

Um...

Paul's, um...

Uh, Paul's got a job and, um,

Paul's got, uh, money, you know? So that's...

That's good. And, um, he smells nice.

-[awkward laughter] -No, no, like, I mean,

like, the cologne or whatever that he wear-

like, I don't care how he smells like, b'ys!

Like, I'm not trying to-

Oh, thank God.

-[sighs] I...

I think what Jason was trying to say was...

...we've never seen our mom so happy.

I mean, Mom had to raise us all on her own, so...

Mom...

I wanted to thank you

for all the sacrifices you made along the way.

All the part-time jobs you did.

All the fevers we had.

[Suzanne chuckles]

-And all the times you told us

that everything was gonna be okay.

Now it's our turn to tell you that everything's gonna be okay.

We're a lot to take on, so...

[laughter]

-Yeah.

So, Paul...

Good luck with that.

[laughter]

-And welcome to the family.

-[people cheering] -[applause]

-Is that wine?

You never ordered any wine!

All I gave you was a jug 'a water

and now there's 12 glasses 'a wine!

Everybody out!

-Trust me.

I'll be back!

[applause]

EMCEE: Let's hear it again for Cat Fud, everybody!

Truly an act to watch.

The next act is one you all know and love.

Please give it up for Corey and Wade's Playhouse.

[audience cheering]

-Ah... Woo!

Okay!

-And now, please join us

as the happy couple has their first dance.

[applause]

[Sheriff's "When I'm With You" playing]

?

? I never needed love... ?

?

? Like I need you... ?

-[tearfully] Losers.

-Seriously?

-Shut up.

-Excuse me. Do you have a card?

My sister's getting married in August.

-Oh, I don't.

But you can find me in the phonebook under Mike Critch.

?

? Maybe it's the way you touch me... ?

?

-Should I be jealous?

-He did ask for my number.

-I can't say I blame him.

-How is Pop?

-He's...

he's fine.

? When I'm with you ?

?

? Baby, ay-yay... ?

? Yeah, yeah... ?

-Where you goin'?

-I'll be back!

Here, take these, okay?

? Oh, baby, ay-yay... ?

? Yeah, yeah... ?

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Sometimes love is simply about

being there for someone.

And sometimes it's about giving them space

to be themselves.

You may not always be with the people you love,

and that's okay.

As long as you're always there for them.

-How did it go?

-I did the speech.

-I knew you would.

-How was it?

-We killed.

-I knew you would.

-It was the best.

But this is better.

? Baby, ay-yay, yeah, yeah... ?

? I get chills when I'm with you... ?

? Oh-oh... ?

? Oh, baby, ay-yay, yeah, yeah... ?

? Now the world stands still when I'm with you. ?

?

?

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