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(typing)

(projector whirring)

I thought I'd always be alone.

Why?

It's what I deserve.

Oh, that's a bunch of hooey.

(both laugh)

It's not true.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I've never met anyone like you.

What are you so afraid of?

(projector whirring)

♪♪ (switching radio stations)

♪♪ (hip-hop)

♪♪ (country)

♪♪ (soft rock)

♪♪ (acoustic guitar intro)

Yeah!
WOMAN:
♪ Highway of red ♪

♪ The imprint
of running-man tunes ♪

♪ Sunset pulls forward ♪

♪ You leap forth
and land on the moon ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, sweetness unsaid ♪

♪ The burning desires confused ♪

♪ Got a prayer worth making ♪

♪ A moment
to sacrifice old blues ♪

(engine knocking, stops)

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, good woman, wander on ♪

♪ Drive on ♪

♪ Drive free, woman, ooh ♪

♪ Good man, never reach out ♪

♪ Drive on ♪

♪ Drive free, woman, ooh ♪♪

- What do you think,
Mr. Joe?
- (Purrs)

Home?
(meows)

♪♪ (piano: soft)

CLAY:
See what you think.

Wow.
This is nice.

I'll need some references,
of course.

Aren't you coming in?

I don't bite.
How do I know?

- What is this?
- What's what?

Come over here,
and I'll show you.

(scoffs)

Seriously,
what's your deal,
stress boy?

Please don't take it personally.

It's just...
I made a promise.

To never be alone
with any woman
that's not my wife.

Oh.

That's sweet.

I think.

- She the jealous type?
- Oh, I'm not married.

- Engaged?
- No.

Living together?

Dating?
No. I don't date.

I have a theory about that.

So who'd you make
this promise to?

- Old-fashioned, huh?
- Yeah.

It's a little on the nose.

What can I say?

(meows)

(knob clicks)
MAN: Three eligible
bachelors remain

and 25 single
and seductive ladies

are ready to do battle
to win the man of their dreams.

Tune in tonight.
♪♪ (rock)

Now, come on, Clay.
Speak. I command you.

CLAY: I'm not
telling you nothing.
Traitor.

I'm sworn
to secrecy, man.
Gave my word to Lisa.

Come on, man.
What'd she get me?

No way. I'd be dead.
You want me dead?

You're a coward.
You're a traitor and a coward.

Ladies, that's it
for the big stuff.

I don't know
what I would have done
without you.

Well, you'll
find out soon enough.
We ain't going to LA.

Oh. Oh, man, is that
what I think it is?

Man.

Ah, feels like
a hundred years ago.

Should've been undefeated, baby.

Come on.
Yes. Top of the key.

It's my fault.

MAN:
I was wide open.

(car drives up)

(horn beeping)

MAN: Man, get in there.
Get the close-up, man.
Get the close-up.

She is hot.

MAN:
Well, well, well.
This is a surprise.

After last night
I figured I owed you one.

It was so good seeing you again.

It was.
Amazing.

So, uh, what's with the truck?

Oh. Um, I got a new job.
Isn't that great?

Where?
Hollywood.

Los Angeles.
I thought you'd be happy for me.

You told me last night
I could move in.

Well, you can.
I didn't say with me.

I put a good word in
for you with the landlord.

In fact, I told him
to keep my security deposit
for your first month's rent.

No problem.
It's all yours.

BRAD:
Clay, stop judging me.
CLAY: Did I say anything?

BRAD:
The only sin in this world,
you dinosaur, is being boring.

And, brother, I am not guilty.

And that's why
I'm going nationwide.
Syndication, baby.

- Live on the radio
from the City of Angels.
- My heart weeps for America.

You're gonna miss me.
So will what's-her-face.

Okay, here's an idea.

How about this?

Just crawl back
under that cute
little antique shop

and make up more theories
you never test out
at the grown-up table anymore.

(southern accent)
"I didn't do anything unto her

that I didn't want done unto me.

Oh, can I get an amen?"

This guy...

Wait. I'm sorry.
Seriously, though, I'm sorry.

Seriously, though,
remember that summer
in Myrtle Beach

with the redheaded
cheerleader and her...

Oh, come on, that
is my favorite story.

Will you please just...
Please, daddy? Please?

When I was a child,
I talked like a child...
Oh, here we go.

- The hermit
has a proclamation.
- Oh, come on, man.

No, please,
don't let me interrupt you.

So tomorrow, right?

Tomorrow.

(knob clicks)
♪♪ (theme)

BRAD:
Women are stupid.

Every single one of them
loves to believe
in some sort of fairy tale,

offer the illusion of security,

just pretend everything
is gonna be okay.

And abracadabra.
(chuckles)

Lines are open.
Give Lucky Chucky a call.
You know the number.

You lemmings,
pick up the phone...
♪♪ (piano: classical)

♪♪ (continues)

BRAD: Tim from Lakeland,
you're on the air.
Live the dream, my brother.

My brother, live the dream.
Do you have what it takes?

Do I have what it takes?
Hey, man, you know
I got what it takes.

Do you have any idea
how many hot, stupid women
there are in California?

Seven?
Keep going.

Twenty-five?
Add a couple of zeros.

25,000.
Keep going.

Five million.
Double that.

Ten million?
More.

Oh, man,
I can't count that high.

I can. Next caller.
Anonymous, you're on the air.

AMBER:
You're disgusting.

Mom, is that you?
If I was your mother,
I would...

Yeah, what would you do?
Would you punish me?

- You know, men like you...
- Yes, men like me!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

How much do you weigh,
sweetheart? How much?

Don't be shy, honey.
How much?

160? 170?
Are you pushing two bills?

You can be honest with me.

(clicks)
Mom? Did we lose her?

Did we lose my mom? Fine.

I'm no knight in shining armor.
There are no knights
in shining armor.

But you seem to think
you're Cinderella, don't you?

See, I wanna help.
I wanna help you
see the truth.

And the truth is
there are no Cinderellas either.

You say you want a sweet guy,
a Prince Charming,

but guys like that
bore you to tears.

Following you around like
a little lost puppy dog

until your mind,
not to mention every
other part of you, goes numb.

Are you sweet?
Are you faithful?

Huh? Are you honest?
Are you all those things
you say you want?

No.

You see,
On those late and lonely nights,
when you're all alone,

solo, abandoned, lost,

clutching
the corner of your pillow,

you want one thing.

And that is a guy like me.

(slowly)
So you get
what you get, girlfriend.

Women are just like men.

Everyone wants it
both ways.
(knob clicks)

Morning. Yo.
Hey. Knock, knock.

Uh, who's there?
I ain't thought
that far ahead yet.

Let's go.
Get the lead out.
Come on.

I'm a busy man.
Oh, yeah?

Hmm? Hmm?

Couple pieces.
I don't know.

You like
anything?
Eh.

You should really tie
that stuff down.
Ah.

Hello there!

You've been holding out on me.

- Where you been?
- CLAY:
George.

- What?
- All my life,
where have you been?

CLAY:
Down, boy.
(George chuckles)

- How's the wife?
- Oh, mean as a snake.

You settling in okay?
So far, so good.

You just call me
if you need anything.

(chuckles)
And call me if you
need anything else.

I'll do that.
CLAY:
Just moved in.

Lucky you.
Not my type.

How do you know?

So help me, man,
I worry about you.

I'll take the wall mirror.

Yeah, you would.

(engine starts)

WOMAN (on radio):
You can't leave me!

BRAD:
So this is it.
The time has come, my brothers.

It has been a long
and, oh, so tasty ride so far,

but remember,
this isn't good-bye to you,
the faithful.

No, my luscious body
might be moving to Hollywood,

but my voice,

you'll know exactly
where to find me.

I am not going anywhere.

MAN:
♪ I drove out
to the middle of nowhere ♪

♪ The deepest dark of night ♪

♪ Pulled out my suitcase
and started to fill it ♪

♪ With things
that were not mine ♪

♪ I then drove across
this great nation ♪

♪ Hoping to find
the bright lights ♪

♪ But all I found was
the desert and ghost towns ♪

♪ They'll probably
haunt me for life ♪

♪ I've been a lot of places ♪

♪ I've been so many places ♪

♪ And there's no place ♪

♪ Like you ♪♪

Hi.

Uh...

Um...
You're kidding.

Uh-uh.

No offense, but I think
I could resist you.

So, this theory of yours...
I'm curious.

- You're bored.
- Don't tell me what I am.

Sorry.

Forgiven.

You're religious.
Spiritual.
I believe in God,

but it's not like
I believe in everything
that's in the Bible.

What parts of it
do you believe exactly?

Your theory.
Spill it.

I wanna know.
You don't wanna know.

Make me ask you again
and I'm coming in there,
theory or no theory.

Open that door,
I raise your rent.

Okay, okay. Calm down.
(laughs)

I am calm.
You just stay outside.

So, you won't be alone
with a woman?
That's the plan.

Anywhere?

Within reason.

What does that mean?

Well, out in the open,
in public, that's okay.

Anyway, just a small part
of my theory.

Which is?

I don't believe that dating
trains us to be good
husbands and wives.

You know, life partners.

It just trains us
to be good dates, that's it.

Trains us to be skilled
in the superficial.

Who talks like that?

I do.

Dating is fun.

Seeing the smile you
bring to another's face,

holding hands
for the first time,
learning new things.

Yeah, but what do we learn?

We learn how to be witty,
charming, romantic.

Yes. Yes. Yes.
(sighs)

Right, but it's
all icing, no cake.

It's not enough.

Nothing magical happens
when you walk down the aisle.

What we do when we're single
is what we'll do
when we're married.

What about sex?

What about it?

That takes
practice too.
(chuckles)

No comment.

Not having sex
does not make you
a good husband.

No, but learning
to control myself might.

I don't know if you know this,
but half of all marriages
experience infidelity.

I never wanna be divorced.

Love should come first.
Not the other way around.

So, do you mean sex-sex only
or any other stuff?

Eh, I'm an
all-or-nothing guy,
you know?

Your body is a temple.

You noticed.

(sighs, chuckles)

Not even a little kissy-kissy?

Just right there
till the wedding bells.

How long have you
had this theory?

Nine years.
Yikes.

That's not normal.

No. No, it's not normal.

You don't believe
that there's a right person
out there for each of us?

A soul mate?

I don't believe
our job is the looking.
It's the becoming.

Once you are the right person,
when you're ready, you know?

And hopefully, God willing.

But if you don't date,
how will you ever know?

Hey, I make fire.

Ah, my hero.

- (sneezes)
- Bless you.

- (sneezes)
- Are you okay?

Yeah.
Anyway, that's my theory.

You asked for it.

Thanks for the enlightenment.

Hey.

I know how weird it sounds.

I know making you wait
out in the cold wrapped
in a blanket seems ridiculous.

But a lot of the boundaries
that used to be common,
that we've thrown away,

were there to protect us.

We don't have to go around
using each other,
hurting each other.

It doesn't have to be that way.

That's all.

Good night.

Good night.

(door opens)
MAN:
Hello.

I'm here to pick up that...
that little rocking chair.

Ah, there she is.

Everything okay?
I do okay?

Excellent job, young man.

You fixed it.

Good as new.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You have no idea.

There was a fire
before I was born.

Mom was pregnant with me,
you know.

Oh, you don't wanna hear
that old story.
No, I do.

Really?
Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.

All right then.

This is the day
the Lord has made.

I'll rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank you, Aunt Zella.

WOMAN:
You've done this before.

AMBER:
Once or twice.
Uh-huh.

Inspiration,
after the Greek goddess.

A message is waiting.
You're hired.

(blowing)

Awesome.
Tonight we party then, yes?

So, tell me all about it.

Why don't you tell me
all about it?

Hmm.

Did you bring us
any of our canned "tamaters"?

He forgot, Lloyd.

Again.

It creeps me out
when you do that.

(chuckles)
Then don't listen.

Well, I rented
the upstairs,
the walk-up.

No. Lloyd wants
to chat about tamaters.

To a girl.

Oh.

(moans)

(laughs)
Finally.

I thought the old bag
would never kick off.

I wonder where
she keeps her valuables.

(chuckles)

CLAY:
It's a miracle.

Is she a pretty girl?

Eh, let's talk about tamaters.

(package hits table)

- How are they?
- Oh, oh, oh.

Here, give me your hands.

AMBER:
Who's first?

Everybody signs.

♪♪ (speakers: dance)
Love, Trish.

Carol?
Ooh, I don't sign anything.

MAN:
I'll sign it.

I'll sign anything you got.

Hey, back off, Tarzan.

"Clay Walsh"?
Yeah.

Old Fashioned Clay Walsh?
That Clay Walsh?

I just rented
the apartment upstairs.

What?

Has he tried
to dazzle you with any
of his theories yet?

Do you know him?

Eh. I only met him once.

(scoffs)
He is a real trip.

Used to be quite
the player though.
Player?

Some of the girls
that used to work for me
used to date him in college.

They had quite a few stories.

Good stories.

I never liked those DVDs though.

(Tarzan yell)

MAN:
♪ Jump down here
You need to fly back ♪

♪ This is the way
we flip the track back ♪

♪ Yo, jump down here
You need to fly back ♪

♪ This is the way
we flip the track back ♪

♪♪ (continues)

(door closes)

MAN (on radio):
They might just matter most.

Pucker up
and get your lips ready.

The kissing contest begins.

WOMAN:
You better be good at it
or I'm walking.

(man, indistinct)
Believe me.

There's a lot of things
that the other girls
have done better than me,

but they better be worried
about this one.

I might have to kiss
more than one.

(saw whirring)

Hey there, stress boy.

Hey there, pretty girl.

Did you just flirt with me?

No.
You did.

No.

Look at that.
Three for a dollar.

Oh, are those coupons?
Yes.

Excuse me.

(chuckles)
Do you mind?
Mm-mmm.

- Shoot the ball.
- Fact.

Most people know
more about someone

after a job interview
for, uh, delivering pizzas

than they do
after most dates, so...

Where do you get
this stuff from?
Please, ball me. Shoot the ball.

Goodness.
You see what happens
when you hurry things?

Hurry things?

You're the last person
to be worrying
about hurrying things.

Hurry things. You?

Our first date.

This is not a date.

You, you are so romantic.

However did you find this place?

How do you know
if I'm romantic or not?
Trust me, you're not.

I like cinnamon.

Is sugarless
cinnamon gum romantic?
Oh, it can be.

- (chuckles)
What do you got?
- H-O-R.

Goodness. Hurry things.
Yeah, yeah.

And Mama called it
"paralysis by analysis."

Thank you.
A little louder, please.
They didn't hear you on Hummel.

Wagon wheel pasta?

No. Candlelight, jazz,
sand between your toes...

all romantic.

Wagon wheel pasta...
not romantic.

Not everyone needs
to have someone
just to be...

Mm-hmm.
People are different.

Some people
don't need to just...
Yeah, of course.

Sure.
I do okay on my own.

(chuckles)
Well, I do.

Who told you that?
Shut up, man.

MAN: Clay, you don't
look happy to see me.
Who's your new friend?

I'm Amber.
Lisa.

David.

I... We just ran
into each other here.
That's it.

Besides, man,
what do I know
about her?

I just wanna be smart.

What do you know...
Dude, you're so smart
you're an idiot.

MAN (on PA):
Pick-up on aisle four.

Amber, Lisa and I are
having a huge shindig.
Check us out.

Two birthdays, one party.

Our birthdays
are on the same day.

DAVID:
Me and my honey.

In fact, Clay is
gonna be there too.

Aren't you, Clay?

Hmm?

Dude, how many times
are we gonna have
this conversation?

Okay, all right, all right.
Listen, listen.

Stop looking for a formula.

She's not what I expected.

Okay, that's great.

So you think I should...
Oh, no, I'm through.

I'm done with this.

Dah!
Look at that, huh?

See, I knew you were
rubbing off on me.

There you go, son.

(chattering)

DAVID:
Ah. I saw that.

Don't deny it.

The whole aloof glance-
across-the-room thing there.

Very nice.
Very nice.

Subtle.
Mm-hmm.

Don't you need
to take Cosie to driver's ed
or space camp or something?

Good ideas.
Honey?

Yes, dear.
I'm on it. No problem.

Thank you.

(speaking, indistinct)

DAVID:
You might wanna make
a move, man.

Seems as if the real estate
is moving pretty fast.

- Who are you, my agent?
- It's not a bad idea. Hey!

Everybody.
May I have
your attention, please?

Welcome again
to our humble abode.

This celebration...
Lisa and I, eight long years.

Still going strong.
Getting older,
as you can see.

Still living in sin.

It means so much
to have you all here
to share it with us.

Hey, has everyone met Amber?

- Okay.
- Yes, Amber, raise your hand.

Mm-hmm.
Yes, yes, yes.

Amber's new here.
Uh-huh.

And dig this:
Clay really likes her.

I mean, a lot.

Might as well have a seat there.

(blowing)

♪♪ (acoustic guitar intro)

MAN:
♪ I'm not sure what changed ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ But something is brand-new ♪

Oh, a little
baby dump truck. Mmm.

Oh, man, look at that.

Well done, Clay.

- Classic, man.
- LISA: Aw.

- Thank you, sir.
- I like his hat.

Only two left.
One from me to you
and one from you to me.

- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, you first.

- Oh. Taking orders.
- LISA:
That's right, mister.

I saw him in a restaurant
last time I was in Chicago,

but I was too nervous to ask
for his autograph.

So I sat and waited three hours
for him to finish eating.

Then I had to beat
the busboy to the table.
Not easy.

You stole a half-smoked cigar
and a credit card receipt?

Baby, if that's not love,
I don't know what is.
That is perfect.

- All right.
And you, my dear.
- This better be good.

What's this?

That would be
an engagement ring.

- You wanna get married?
- I figure I'll make
an honest woman out of you.

- I aman honest woman.
- It's just an expression.

I don't like it.
So was that a yes?

I thought we didn't need
a piece of paper
to prove anything.

We don't.

Listen, listen, listen.

Look, we're not kids, okay?

Some things are starting
to matter more to me now
than they used to.

It's not about proof, baby.
I know you love me.

I do.

Unfortunately.

And I love you.

And I'm not
going anywhere, okay?

Paper or no paper.

I'd just love
the chance to see my baby
in a wedding dress.

Now, that is sexy.

It's what he gives me
every year.

DAVID:
Way to show off.

Hey, are we gonna
have a honeymoon?

Honeymoon.
If we must.

Any thoughts?
Recommendations?
The ideal honeymoon?

Clay.

David.

DAVID:
Yes, yes, the ideal honeymoon.
What you got in mind?

- You really want me
to do this?
- No doubt about it.

The ideal honeymoon.

Cabin in the woods.

A case of bottled water.

And not a single distraction

from building
a foundation of intimacy
with my lifelong bride.

- I don't know
if you know this, but...
- That's enough.

The percentage
of marriage...
No, no, no.

The percentage...
(gibberish)

Would you just...
Not a word.

That's what I'm talking about.

WOMAN: Live from
the City of Angels
in the heart of Hollywood

and syndicated nationwide,

you want him, you got him...
Lucky Chucky.

You can't save someone
who doesn't wanna be saved.

How true it is.

A friend of mine...
we'll call him "moron"...

has lived
with this broad for years.

Strike one.
Oh. Oh, yeah.

Strike two...
he knocked her up.

No longer content with only
partial self-destruction,
strike three.

Bingo. You guessed it.
They're getting married.

What is the point
in all this pain?

I am awash in ruin.
He was a good friend of mine.

We were in the same
fraternity in college.

I bet you didn't see
that one coming.
I used to be a frat boy.

You listen to this?
Sometimes.

He's hilarious.
He says women are stupid.

When there's a wedding,
there's a bachelor party.

Mah ha ha ha ha!

Okay, let's turn that crap off.

TRISH:
Sorry, Carol.
Didn't know you were here.

So, how was the weekend, girls?

I had me one big date.

So did Amber
with Mr. Old Fashioned.

You did?
Details?

It was a birthday party.
Lots of people were invited.

He didn't even
invite me himself.

My theory is he's gay.

He owns
an antique shop. Hello.

I don't think so.

Then he's got a disease
or some other tiny problem.

Oh, sheesh.
You like
the freak show.

For now.

GEORGE:
Light load this week.

The love seat's solid.
Vintage.

(chuckles)

Needs some work
though.
(chuckles)

Hey.

Look at that.

Got it dirt cheap.

Auction down in Eustace.

Nice, right?

Was that a car?

Is.Is a car.

It's my new hobby.

When I get done with it,
you look out.

Hey, George.
Yeah.

- How long you been married?
- Oh. Thirty-six years.

How did you... know?

Know what?
Come on, man. Know.

Know?

Know. Ah.
(chuckles)

Good question.

Have a seat.
Here we go.

Yes, we are.
Buckle up.

(both laugh)

We grew up together.

We went to the same
grammar school,
junior high, high school.

Sophomore year
she asked me to
a Sadie Hawkins Day dance.

I don't wanna go,
but I don't wanna hurt
her feelings either.

So I said yes.
It's only one night.

Well, after the dance,
she decides to kiss me.

I kiss her back.
(laughs)

Oh, not so good.

You know, she still
can't do it right.

Point is,
now I got to date her
for almost a month

because I feel guilty
about kissing her,

and I didn't wanna
make her feel cheap either.

So... So about
a month passes.

And just when I am
getting ready to dump her,

her mom gets diagnosed
with tuberculosis.

And she starts
freaking out, man,
crying all the time, calling me.

It just didn't seem fair
to break up with her then.
My people knew her people.

And there's her birthday, and...

and Valentine's...

and senior prom and graduation.

Then I'm 19.

I'm getting inducted
into the army.

You want the love seat?

MAN:
♪ Oh, the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Oh, glory hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ (piano: soft)

People like the governor
and that fella there
can stop worrying.

I'm not gonna talk about them.

I'm gonna talk about us...
the average guys, the John Does.

If anybody should ask you
what the average John Doe
is like,

you couldn't tell him
because he is
a million and one things.

He's Mr. Big and Mr. Small.

He's simple and he's wise.

He's inherently honest...

♪♪ (continues)

(TV audience laughing)

He's the man
the ads are written for.

He's a fella
everybody sells things to.

He's Joe Doakes,
the world greatest stooge

and the world's
greatest strength.

Yes, sir, we're a great family,
the John Does.

We are the meek who are
supposed to inherit the earth.
(whirring)

You know, I had
a crazy dream last night.

It was about you.

WOMAN:
About me?

Yeah. Sure was crazy.

So, uh...
So I get up out of bed,

and I walked right
through the wall here,

right straight into your room.

You know how dreams are.

AMBER:
Why antiques?

CLAY:
My great aunt, Zella.

My mother's mother's sister.
She used to own this place.

I worked for her part-time
when I went to college.

I drove by the front
of some university
when I first got to town.

Bolivar.
It's where David teaches.

Zella, too, before she retired.

So you and David
both went there?

Yeah, we did.

We had the same major
for a while.
Were in the same fraternity.

You were in a frat?

I was.

I never finished college.

Seven years on and off. I...

I just never seemed to focus.

Everything except
my language requirement.

I'm only three credits
in Spanish away
from a BA in like six degrees.

So, you bought this place
from your great aunt
when she retired?

She gave it to me.

For graduation.

That's some present.
Yeah, it is.

Could say I owe her.

She's still alive?
Is that why you keep it?

She is.

But I keep it for me.

(water running)

Senior year, everything changed.

My goals,
what I wanted out of life.

Whatdo you want out of life?

To be decent.

That's it.
A good person.

MAN (on TV):
He's asking
for a miracle to happen.

He's expecting people
to change all of a sudden.

CLAY:
I needed to believe my life
could be different than it was,

that I could be different.

And how did you do that,
frat boy?

And don't even tell me
you found Jesus
or something.

More like he found me.

Oh. Really?

I know. I know.
That's the truth.

That's why I took
my aunt up on her offer.
That's why I keep the shop.

It's a safe place for me.

Nothing heroic.
Not very ambitious.

I guess I just wasn't
destined for greatness.

I think the world
has enough greatness.

Not enough goodness.

That's my theory.

(TV: applause)

- (sneezes)
- You're doing it again.

(sneezes)
Are you allergic
to me or something?

- Not you.
- (Meows)

You're allergic to cats.

(whirring)

(whirring stops)
You're all fixed.

That was fast.

Are you sure?

MAN (on TV):
Yes, sir, my friends,

the meek can only
inherit the earth

when the John Does
start loving their neighbors.

You better start right now.

Don't wait
till the game is called
on account of darkness.

Wake up, John Doe.
You're the hope of the world.

WOMAN (on TV):
John, you were wonderful.
(applause)

(whirring)

What's this?

Allergy medicine.

- And your hot chocolate.
- Thanks.

You're, um...

Saving up for something?
Gas money.

That's it?
Just a jar.

That's not much of a story.

The stories,

they're my favorite part
of what I do.

Folks rarely drop off
dusty old lamps
or family portraits

without telling you a story.

It's kind of like "the why"
beneath the surface

that gives
those things meaning,
you know.

No matter how faded
or ordinary
anything appears,

everything has a story.

I agree.

- You do?
- That's why I have that.

I've lived in 14 states so far.

I try to keep in touch
with at least one person
from every place I've been.

- CLAY:
"Love is the only gold."
- Tennyson.

Alfred Lord Tennyson.
1809 to 1892.

The first time I read that
I was at a high school
football game.

Home game.
Red and black... school colors.

I played French horn
in the marching band.

Stood behind Jeff Furbay
who, for the record,
I had a major crush on.

The game was boring,
not even close.

So I read, did homework.

Third quarter.

Two minutes left.

Snow falling from the sky.

Sipping on hot chocolate
with tiny marshmallows.

I read that.

When the jar is full,
I know I have enough.

For what?

To get far enough away
if I need to.

Make a fresh start.

Go where the wind takes me.

Follow the warm and fuzzies.

Life just isn't
all warm fuzzies.

It's not just all rules either.

Religioso.

Besides,
that's how I ended up here.

I hit empty on county line road.

You just packed everything
you own into your car

and started driving
until you ran out of gas?

Now, that's a story.

My last boyfriend
didn't want me
to wear nail polish.

I did.

So he broke your hand.

He didn't mean to.

But he did.
(chuckles)

No nail polish?

Sounds like something
you'd come up with.

Depends on the color.

It was clear.

(laughs)
Yeah, I know. Funny, huh?

He was nothing like you.

My one and only fight,
and I lost.

No.

He did.

He lost.

You're wearing me down, woman.

Hey.
All better.

How'd the door
get off the hinges?

How come you haven't
asked me out yet?

Hint, hint.

If I do,

will you stop breaking things?

My rules, my way?

(purrs)

Okay.

This is truly
such a wise choice.

Very mature,

discerning.

So first,
let me simply affirm
your prudent decision

to take solemnly
the idea of holy matrimony.

How long have you been engaged?

CLAY:
Oh, we're not.

We just met.

Oh.

AMBER:
"Do you regularly use
or abuse drugs or alcohol?"

Not since college.

But I think we're
supposed to go in order.

Just so you know,
this is what some
might call "rushing it."

"Do you have any pet peeves?"

Check out these colors.

"Do you have any pet peeves?"

Just one.

That's a red.
(laughs)

What's wrong
with planning ahead?

Next question.

How many children
would you like to have?

Mmm, one or two.

I was hoping
for two or three.
That's a yellow.

Ah, isn't that beautiful?

Overpriced.

"What experience do you
have raising children?"

Come on.
Are you experienced?

Is this necessary?
Smaller pieces.

No coaching.
I am so sorry.

He thinks he can scare me off.

Do the two of you
think Amber and I make
a good couple? Or...

- All right, sir.
- Thanks, man.

Man, what was
all that over there?
Why you pushing her like that?

Okay, can you
say "hello"
in Chinese?

Ni...
Ni...

hao...
hao...

ma?
Ma?

Good job.
Let's do "thank you"
one more time.

Show Miss Amber.
Ready?

Xiexie.
Xiexie.

(chuckles)
You're a natural.

So I pass?

Are you honestly this desperate?

Hey, we set a date.
Next month.

That's fast.
Eh. Nothing fancy,
you know.

Lisa wants to keep it small.

In fact, have it
right here in the backyard.

Yeah. Just
a few friends coming in.

Nice.

Like Kelly.
(clears throat)

Like Kelly or...

Flying in from Phoenix
by herself.

She just got separated
from her husband.

He had a thing, you know.
Some girl in his office.

They're trying
to work it out,
but you know how that goes.

How long have
you known him?
Since college.

He dated my best friend
for a while.

The two of them
set David and me up.
Here we are.

What was Clay like back then?

A lot more fun.

Really?
Everybody loved him.

He had this
wild kind of energy,
out of control.

He used to cohost this
stupid campus cable TV show
with another friend of ours.

It started out
as a joke sophomore year,

but kind of just
kept getting bigger.

They started traveling,
hosting spring break parties,
producing DVDs.

He didn't tell you about...

Oh. They raked it in,
built this amazing machine.

Clay had all kinds of offers
from New York, Chicago,
advertising.

He said no to them all,
shut down the business,

made a bunch
of bizarre apologies,

gave away what was left
of his money.

He's not the same.

You got awful quiet.

Aren't you gonna ask me
any more questions?

Nothing good happens
after 11:00.

Okay.

Hey, Amber.

What?

Well, why don't you do us
a favor and just decide
what we do next time.

Next time?

Good night, stress boy.

Good night, pretty girl.

MAN #1:
They're showing
all the Rockyson cable again.

MAN #2:
Thanks for the warning.

MAN #3: On a loop?
MAN #1: Yeah.

- MAN #2: I hate that.
- MAN #1: Last night it was V.

MAN #2: I don't like V.
MAN #1: No one likes V.

MAN #3: I like the one
where he takes her to the zoo.
MAN #1: That's the second one.

MEN (on jukebox):
♪ The way that you hold me ♪

♪ Whenever you hold me ♪

♪ The way that my heart flies ♪

♪ When I feel your charms ♪

♪ The way that you told me ♪

♪ When you told me
you were mine ♪

♪ You're an angel in my arms ♪

TRISH:
"What percentage
of your annual income

is appropriate
to spend on a pet?"

I can see how he's
got you all worked up.

Not all the questions
are like that.

"Do you believe
in the death penalty?"

Mmm. Oh, yes.

Death penalty.

No, thanks.
Gots to have
a real man.

Clay is a real man.

I haven't found one yet
that I like better
than a good piece of chocolate,

and I've been married
three times.

But I'm still looking.

He's reliable.

He's handy.

Yep.

♪♪ (acoustic guitar intro)

AMBER:
No peeking.

MAN:
♪ I was lost at sea
without a sail ♪

Just one.
All right.

Hardware store?

MAN:
♪ And brought me back to town ♪

♪ I knew I had a love ♪

♪ Of my own ♪

♪ It felt like home ♪
Are you watching this?

Mm-hmm.

Here we go.
Who's the man?

Ooh!

Oh, my!

Mr. Walsh,
the world wants to know,

when are you going to kiss her?

No comment?

(chuckles)

♪♪ (continues)
AMBER:
May I?

(switching radio stations)

MAN: because by one sacrifice
he has made perfect forever...

(continues, indistinct)

(switching radio stations)

BRAD:
There's only one thing
that, without fail,

no red-blooded woman alive
can resist.

Are you listening?

Indifference.
Oh, spare me.

WOMAN: How dare you!
I'm sorry.
Did you say something?

Oh, you are so hot.

That man knows
what he's talking about.

BRAD:
Zach from Collegedale.

♪♪ (man singing country
on radio)

♪ That's all right by me ♪

So you and David
are friends with Lucky Chucky?

When I didn't wanna
play frat boy anymore,

he and David
were the only ones
that stuck around.

Everybody else walked.

He's a victim.

Please.

He's the kind of guy
that's always gotten away
with everything, it's true.

But only because
people let him.
Is that his fault?

He's a product of the system.

That's ridiculous.
Just like I used to be.

Before you saw the light?

Yeah.
Became a religioso.

But you were never like that.

Hey, you're the one that
wanted to turn the radio on,
not me.

Let's get back to the book.

"Do you like
each other's friends?"

Definitely yellow.

So, Amber says you're reliable.

Definitely yellow.

(laughs)

Thank you, kind sir.
Mm-hmm.

Here.
What's this?

I got you something, my lady.

You did?
Mm-hmm.

Did you wrap it yourself?

I paid extra for that.

It's, uh...
What?

It's...

Oh.
It's to help you focus,
comprende?

(chuckles)
I get it.

Thank you.
Very thoughtful.

It's a start.

It is.
Keep trying.
(chuckles)

Hey. Come on.

MAN: So last night,
it starts all over again.

MAN #2 Back to number one?
MAN #1: Runnin' up
the stairs, collecting for...

MAN #2: Sure.
Yeah, the first
one's all right.

First one is awesome.
(chuckles)

MAN #2:
It's only a movie.

Thank you, ma'am.
MAN #1:
Blasphemy.

Go ahead. Take a guess.
What do you think I watched
on TV last night?

Oh, I have no idea.

- Sleepless in Seattle.
Now that's a good movie.
- MAN #1: You're killing me.

MAN #2:
Sleepless inwhere?
I love Sleepless in Seattle.

Figures.
You don't?

I'm allergic to cats.
So?

Bill Pullman, nice guy.

Kind, reliable.

But just because he happens
to itch and get puffy red eyes
and sneeze all over the place,

it's okay for Meg Ryan
to run off with Tom Hanks.

(chuckles)
The boring guy with allergies in
the movies always gets dumped,

and it's not right
and it must be stopped.

Am I boring?
In a good way.

(chuckles)

So honest.

This coat sure
has a lot of pockets.
What else you got in here?

Anything interesting?
Doubtful.

What?
Forgot about that.

Can I see?
No.

Ooh.

A checklist?

"Magnifying glass
and Spanish CD."

Check. Check.

Check. Check.

"Respect her emotions
as well as her body."

Check.

How is it possible that
you're not already married?

I could ask you
the same question.

It's almost 11:00.

(chuckles)

Fair enough.
If you don't mind,

I'm gonna use little
boys' room, and, uh...

stay out of my pockets.

MAN (on CD):
Hello.Hola.

AMBER: Hola.

MAN (on CD):
Good morning.
Buenos días.

MAN (on CD):
Good-bye.Adios.

Adios.

Buenos días, stress boy.

I'm liking my presents.
Shall we?

I can't let you
get all the kicks.

Hmm.
Huh?

CLAY:
"It's easier to keep holidays
than commandments."

Benjamin Franklin.

(chuckles) That's true.
I definitely prefer
holidays.

"Our lives begin to end
the moment we remain silent
about things that matter."

Who said that?
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Would you like to come
over to my house tomorrow?

See where you live?

Yes.
That, I would like.

Make some dinner together?

WOMAN:
Shh.
Just the two of us?

Alone?
(chuckles)

(Amber laughs)

What are you laughing at?
White picket fence?

You love it.
Oh.

Clay grows
tamaters for us.
Right around here.

He cans them too.

He's well-trained.
(chuckles)

What was that?
Mind your own beeswax.

No candles?

No flowers?

I'm ashamed of you.
Ashamed. Let's pray.

Thank you.

You are blessed.

Oh.

She looks so peaceful.

She's faking.
Oh, she is not.

You read all these?

CLAY:
Most of 'em.

Wow. I read this one
in 10th grade.

So sad.

Is that a Bible?

Mm-hmm.

What parts of it
do you believe exactly?

(chuckles)
Oh, man.

Any favorites?

Um... "Old things
have passed away.

Behold, all things
have become new."

That's in here?
Mm-hmm.

Who's Kelly?

Don't want to talk about it?

It's complicated.

Kelly was my last
real girlfriend.

Before all of your theories.

She was, uh...

She was the first girl
I ever actually really
cared for.

She gave that to me
right before we broke up.

I really don't even know why
she liked me, what she saw.

She was a...

You know,
she wanted to wait,
and I didn't.

So I hooked up with
one of her good friends.

On the rebound, she started
dating some other guy,

got pregnant, got married.

I hurt her.

Is that what made you change?

It wasn't one big thing.

It was more like a...
like a lot of little things
all adding up.

You know?

And that book,

that didn't help much either.

- I mean, sometimes I wish
I'd never opened it at all.
- Why?

Because when I read it for
myself, I couldn't make fun
of it anymore.

Someone else could,
but I couldn't.

I felt accountable for
the first time in my life.
For the first time.

And it was genuine and real.

A sense, a...

I don't know, like a voice or...

You hear voices?

No, I don't. Not...
It's not like real voices.

It's...
I can't even explain it.

Still, even now,

it's hard to try to put it
into words without sounding
like a crazy person.

You are a crazy person.

Shh.

Listen.
What?

You hear that?

There it is again.

It's like a whisper.

You hear it?

It's telling me something.

Oh, it is.

Ask her to go to church
with you sometime.

Thank you, Aunt Zella.

AMBER:
You go to church?

Not much anymore.
I did.

The people there
weren't perfect,
so he felt out of place.

I believe that.

I just drifted away
from it, that's all.

Kind of had my fill
of the hypocrite show.

Well, I've never been,

so I think that you and I
should go together sometime.

I'd like to experience that
with you.

Why?

Because I think it's...
ZELLA:
Good Lord, you two.

Both of you,
take me home already.
This is getting painful.

CHILDREN:
♪ God loves every boy and girl ♪

♪ Everywhere 'round
the great big world ♪

♪ Every color and every size ♪

♪ Some are silly
and some are wise ♪

♪ But God loves
everyone the same ♪

♪ He knows your giggle
and he knows your name ♪♪

Will!
Patrick!
(other children shout names)

"Mercy and truth
are met together,

righteousness and peace
have kissed each other."

(applauding)
BOY:
Kissed each other?

It's just that
the two of you are
so different, that's all.

He's...

different.

I know.

You can do so much better.

When he held my hand
in that church,

it felt like home.

What's better than that?

- (hissing)
- AMBER: Oh, stop it.

I've, uh...
I've been debating.

What?

Cool. I've always wanted
to be in one of those.

Why are you giving this to me?

Check out the name
of the producer.

You should watch that sometime.

I don't need to.
It doesn't matter.

The man who made this
doesn't exist.

Never even met him.

(chattering, laughing)

All right, fellas,
let's get to it.
The limo's here.

When do I get
to meet her?
You don't.

- Oh, she got a name?
- Yeah. It's what's-her-face.

- Really? She coming
to the wedding?
- Uh...

Come on, man.
We're gonna be late for
our dinner reservation.

DAVID: Dude, are you
pretty enough yet?
Hey, bring it in here.

How pretty you gotta get?
Are you serious... Look, we're
getting hungry, man, come on.

Now, who wants some
of that good, red meat?
ALL: Yeah!

(knocking)
MAN:
Hotel security.

- We're getting complaints about
the noise. Open the door.
- (Knocking)

Uh, we're just having
a bachelor party.

We didn't mean to...
Come in, come in.

Which one of you gentlemen's
the registered guest?

Well, it's-it's-it's
the charming, handsome,

uh, intellectual
black man right there.

Excuse me?
I'm gonna need you
to sit down, please.

David, sit down.

You should do what
the lady says, David.
Fantastic, Brad.

- (all laughing)
- ♪♪ (Stereo: woman singing)

- MAN: Yeah.
- MAN #2: Ohh!

(sighs)

♪♪ (woman singing, continues)

WOMAN:
♪ Just another play toy ♪

♪ So you want to change me
Shake me, rearrange me ♪

♪ Next you want a play toy
Play toy... ♪♪

♪♪ (turns off)

David, David.
Don't do this.

(man speaking, indistinct)

- Open that door.
- Are you kidding me?

- Open the door!
- I'm not gonna
open the door.

- Think about Lisa and Cosie.
- What? They have nothing
to do with this.

He's not hurting them.
Does anybody else
have a problem with this?

No. You know what, Clay?

Why don't you leave
and let the rest of us
enjoy the interrogation?

Yes!
Yeah!

(clapping)
MAN:
Right. Right. Right.

Oh, yeah!

♪♪ (music resumes) (laughing)

Oh, get it good!
Okay.

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I can't do this. I can't.
Thank you. Thank you.

I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on.

What are you thinking, man?
Come on.

Dude, I swear I didn't know
he was gonna do that.

Seriously. I mean,
all I wanted was a steak.

(chuckles)
(horn honks)

- David, let's go.
- All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Come on!
Going for a walk.

You're still my best man.
All right, brother.

MAN:
Where's David?
Where's David?

Be careful.
Yeah.

Stay out of trouble.
(chuckles)
Yeah, right.

BRAD:
Hey. Hey!

You owe me 200 bucks.

Ah, where you going?

Taking your toys
and going home right on cue,
just like you always did.

So noble. So superior.

You're an inspiration to us all
and we bow before thee.

When did treating women
with respect
become the joke?

You want to laugh at believing
love can be something sacred?
Go ahead. Laugh.

You want to know
what the joke is?

(engine starts)
(car door closes)

Hey.

You have any idea how much
you cost her in tips tonight?

Don't you think you ought to
do something about that?

Huh? Huh?

What?

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Get off, man.

Somebody ask for
your help in there?

You think you're better than me?

(man speaking, indistinct)

MAN:
Ridiculous.
(chuckles)

Ah, do it. Do it, honey.
Do it.

Come on.
(laughs)

(grunting)

Ahh!

My turn.

Choose.

What's it say?

"Get lost."
Start driving.

Get out.
Just me?

Go.

I'm going.

Over there?

Okay.

(switching stations)

MAN:
♪ We're floating 'round
and 'round and upside down ♪

♪ Searching for the things
our parents found ♪

♪ But love is not the way
it was back then ♪

♪ It gets complicated
when the scars don't mend ♪

♪ I'm in love with you ♪♪

"How many sexual partners have
you had in the past 10 years?"

Ohh!
(chuckles)

And this was almost
a normal date.

What does that mean?
A normal date.

Oh, a normal date.

You mean where two strangers
hop into bed

and then try to figure out later
whether or not they have
anything in common.

- Is that what
you mean by normal?
- What is with you today?

Why are you so hard
on everybody?

You know, most of us are just
doing our best not to feel
lonely, and it isn't easy.

Do you like
living by yourself,
without anybody to...

Buy me flowers.
Make me a card.

I don't need you to make me
your community service project.

I need you to dance with me.

And that was okay,
wasn't it?
Yes.

I know it's in you.
I know it.

Flatter me.
Sweep me off my feet.

Tell me I'm the most attractive
woman you've ever met
even if you don't mean it.

I don't care.

- Lie to you?
- Exactly.
A normal date.

I've wasted a lot of words.
I don't want to waste any more.

On me.

You're scoring
all kinds of points.

It's not about scoring points.

That's right. It's about
red, yellow, green.

Hmm? Fine.

I've been with five.
I've had sex with five men.

Heavy-petted with four more,
give or take.

Oh, I was married once
for two years when I was 19.

Happy?

What else would you
like to know?

It was like I was
living by myself anyway.

So one morning when he was
actually home for a change,

I just walked up and set
the divorce papers
down in front of him

and made myself some oatmeal.

We didn't even discuss it.

- Did he ever try to...
- I don't want to live
back there.

And I don't want to tell you
a bunch of bad things about him
so that I feel less responsible.

I can't blame him
for my decision,
and you can't either.

It's who I am.

I can't even remember
how many girls I've been with.

Can we just
get back into the car
and get lost again?

Too late.

AMBER:
Why haven't you invited me
to David and Lisa's wedding?

It's the day after tomorrow,
isn't it?

You want to go?

Do you want me to go?

I don't want to crowd you

or change you
or what you believe in.

All I want is for you
to tell me how I make you feel.

Can you?

How do I make you feel, Clay?

Do you feel?

Do you think about me before
you go to sleep at night?

Baby, do you long for me
the way I long for you?

Don't you wish you could just
turn your head on your pillow
and see me looking back at you?

I need to know that you want me.

I need to know that.
It's important to me.

To me.

(dog barking in distance)
(ripping)

(ripping continues)

(TV, indistinct)

(TV: chattering, laughing)

CLAY (on TV):
Very nice.

So... So you...

Come on, you show me.
Yeah, you.

(sniffles)

CLAY (on TV):
You are.
(sniffles)

Come on, you havin' fun?

You havin' fun?
Come on. Show me.

(turns off)

GEORGE:
0lly olly oxen free.

You look terrible.

What are you doing
to that poor love seat?

I'm fixing it.
Oh, obviously.

(laughs)
Love your work.

Hey, you want to come look at
some other priceless antiquities
you could fix?

I got a two-for-one special
on nightstands.

I'll throw in
the sledgehammer for free.

(laughs)
Yeah, they're great.
Come on.

Do you love this girl?
Do you?

If you do, life's too short.

And if you don't,
life's too short.

That's all I got for you.

But if it doesn't work out,
can you give me her number?

(chuckles)

CAROL:
Did you tell him about that?
AMBER: No, you're right.

We're too different.
You can't quit.

When things get messy,
I move on. That's what I do.
I'm really good at it.

What happens when there's
no place to move on to?

The world is pretty big.
And it's
pretty messy too.

Everywhere.

♪♪ (slowing down)

(line ringing)

(ringing)

♪♪ (jukebox: dance)

Bartender!

Now we can do this every night.

(phone ringing)

- (phone ringing)
- AMBER: Wait. Don't leave.

I'm going to go get
something to cheer you up.
Don't go anywhere.

I think I found you something
interesting. Looks fun.
(clears throat)

Hi.

Uh...

Am I the most
attractive woman
you've ever met?

Sure.

Are you allergic to cats?

(tires screeching)

(knocking)

Trish,
have you seen Amber?
You just missed her.

Do you know where she went?
No.

But I saw who she left with.

And you know what?
He didn't look reliable.

♪♪ (radio: indistinct)

(switching stations)

(static)

(knocking)

Kelly.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Can I come in?

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

It's okay.
I'm with you now.

BRAD:
No answer?
DAVID: Come on, man.

Dude has the rings.
Where is he at?

Ah, he's probably
just double-checking
your wedding vows

for theological errors
or something.

Making sure your ceremony
is up to his standards,
without stain or blemish.

- Okay, all right, Brad, just
let him live his own life.
- I'm sick of it, all right?

He's gonna crash and burn soon.

And I just hope
I'm there to see it.

(door closes)

(car door closes)

(tapping)

You're gonna be late.

I was pretty stupid last night.

Thanks...

for not...

MAN:
And so before these witnesses,
those that love you

and vow to sustain you both
in your public commitment
to one another,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

"Never will I leave you.

Never will I forsake you."

(sniffles)

(sobbing)

(knocking)

Clay?
(knocking)

Are you there?

Open up.

Please open this door.

Please?

I don't want normal.

I want you.

I wasn't able to appreciate...

Do you know what
I did on my honeymoon?

I cried myself to sleep

trying to figure out
why my brand-new husband

was more interested
in watching...

on the hotel TV
than touching me.

That's not your fault.

Why did you let her in?

That was Bible girl, wasn't it?

Was anyone else here
in the house?

No.

You were alone together?

Just for a moment.
I saw her leaving
in the morning.

Did she stay the night?

(laughs)

What's so funny?

I was sleeping in my truck.

(door closes)

AMBER:
Why didn't you come after me?

I have a theory.

Maybe love doesn't
have to be perfect...

to still be worth it.

And maybe you don't have to
be perfect for me to...

You don't know
all the things I've done.
I know more than you think.

I'm not sure if I should be
with anybody... at all.

AMBER:
Why didn't you
come after me?

I did.

I ran into Trish.

She told me you
hooked up with some guy.

Who?

AMBER:
I don't know his name.
I never even asked.

What'd you do?

Ouch.

- CLAY: Amber...
- You know, I came here...

I came here ready to
forgive you, no matter what.

I mean, that's what I'm
supposed to do, right?

Isn't that the whole idea?
Isn't that the good news?

You make it sound so easy.

You make it sound impossible.

If I betrayed everything
I said I believed in...
God forbid you made a mistake.

You fell.

You got it wrong.

What do you think I did?

AMBER:
You tell me.

Nothing.

Nothing happened
with that guy, Clay.

We went back to his hotel room,
and he opened the door,

and I just stood there
staring at my feet.

I couldn't.

Something was different.

(birds chirping)

AMBER:
Behold, all things
have become new.

All right, all right,
welcome back, kiddies.

Live in the flesh.
Here I am, the Zen master of
what you want when you want it.

Now, where was I?
Oh, that's right.

The rest of my crazy-hot
chickapoo at the wedding story

from time recently served
in flyover country.

Yes, sir, I did my duty.

But as I was saying earlier,

it wasn't meant to be.

She never even uttered
a single word.

Just turned a complete 180,
walked out of my life forever.

Nothing but a tease.

And I thought we had
something special.
(clicks tongue)

So what else could I do?

After facing such rejection,
I did the only thing that
any respectable man could do.

I went down to the hotel bar
to try to redeem myself,

find some lonely, insecure,
"last-call-for-alcohol" mama

to help me tend to my wounds,
help me forget my recent
catastrophic loss.

But instead I found nothing.
She... found... me.

You want the details?
Yeah, you do.

You want me
to play show-and-tell
and share my goodies

with the rest of the class...
Is that what you want?

Is it? Is it?
(turns off)

CLAY:
She believed in me.

ZELLA:
In you?

If you don't chase after
that girl, you're nowhere near
the person we thought you were.

Exactly.

I'm damaged goods.

She's better off.
I don't even deserve...

My Lord, if you were
any more self-absorbed,
you would be a dot.

CLAY:
So you agree.

- I should be alone.
- ZELLA: Mm-hmm. Probably.

Ah, I'd like to wring your neck.

Look at you.
The high and mighty.

You expect the whole world
to stand up and do the wave
for you,

give you a trophy
for being good.

And if they don't...

So help me,
if you lock yourself away
for another nine years,

you think that
will make you holy?

I wish I...
I, I, I.

Stop twisting it.

Wake up.

Get over yourself,
you and your pain.

Stop using the grace of God
as a brick wall.

Do you get this upset
over children starving?

Over anyone else's suffering?

I admire you so much.

In all my years,

I've never known anyone
work as hard at being good.

Define "good."

(chuckles)
There is no goodness
without mercy.

There's no virtue
without forgiveness.

And I'm not talking about
Amber forgiving you

or you forgiving Amber.

None of this
is about any of that.

The way you carry ancient,
crusty, useless guilt like...

like a trained pet poodle
you want to show off.

Like an excuse.

Let it go.
What are you waiting for?
How long?

You are loved.

You are so loved.

Oh, my child, you are.

Listen to me, Clay, enough.

We never arrive fully,
this side of heaven.

You could remain hidden
in that house of yours
for 100 years.

Never see another face.
What a shame that would be.

Well, you would miss sharing it

with a whole bunch
of other confused nitwits,

some of whom inexplicably

care about you a great deal.

Playtime is over.

Be a man.

This is the day
the Lord has made.

(horn honking)

"As the morning sun longs
to break free of the horizon,
I long for you.

I really mean it, baby."
(chuckles)

"Clay Walsh."

You are so cheesy.
(chuckles)

GEORGE:
Come on.

Your chariot awaits.

One second.

♪♪ (stereo: pop)

MAN:
♪ I love, I love the way
you look tonight ♪

♪ The sparkle of the moonlight
in your eyes ♪

♪ Let's dance around the world
until we fall ♪

♪ Then catch a ride home
on a shooting star ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ With you ♪

(no audible dialogue)
♪ Are you in love with me too? ♪

♪ We're floating 'round
and 'round and upside down ♪

♪ Searching for the things
our parents found ♪

♪ But love is not the way
it was back then ♪

♪ It gets complicated
when the scars don't mend ♪

♪ I'm in love with you ♪

Courtesy of one
Mr. Clay Walsh.

AMBER:
Thank you.
You look so beautiful.

♪♪ (continues)

♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Are you in love with me? ♪♪

Have fun.
Oh. Take your shoes off.

♪♪ (jazz)

♪♪ (continues)

Hey there, pretty girl.

Hey there, stress boy.
(chuckles)

I love you.

Say it again.
(laughs)

I love you.

The baby food aisle?

(Amber chuckles)

A little on the nose?

Very romantic.
(chuckles)

I love you too.

Te amo.

Yes.
You're supposed to wait.

Yes.

It won't be easy.

Yes.

♪ Flame lights up a candle ♪

♪ Same flame will make it melt ♪

♪ Like every lamp burns bright ♪

♪ And then away ♪

♪ It sounds just like a child ♪

♪ Ain't right
for sitting still ♪

♪ Seems it's always begging us ♪

♪ To play ♪

♪ Don't wait ♪

♪ Don't waste ♪

♪ Explore ♪

♪ Embrace ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ While the days are young ♪

♪ Life is a thousand songs ♪

♪ Waiting to be sung ♪

♪ Want to climb
inside this moment ♪

♪ And drink until it's dry ♪

♪ Savor it
and feel what I can feel ♪

♪ There's hunger
and there's heartache ♪

♪ And wonder yet to find ♪

♪ Every second hands you
something real ♪

♪ Don't wait ♪ ♪ Don't wait ♪

♪ Don't waste ♪ ♪ Don't waste ♪

♪ Dive in ♪

♪ And say ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ While the days are young ♪
♪ While the days are young ♪

♪ Life is a thousand songs ♪

♪ Waiting to be sung ♪

♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ 'Round and 'round we spin ♪

♪ Open up your eyes
and take everything in ♪

♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ As one moment passes by ♪

♪ Another one begins ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ While the days are young ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Life is a thousand songs ♪

♪ Waiting to be sung ♪

♪ Oh, love ♪

♪ While the days are young ♪

♪ Oh, life is a thousand songs ♪

♪ Waiting to be sung ♪

♪ And the days are young ♪♪