Original subtitles

[? upbeat jazzy music playing]

- [ice rattling] - It was the craziest day.

We're about an hour from landing at LAX,

and this guy in business hands his wife divorce papers.

She was like, "We've been married 11 years!

Why are you doing this?"

- Why was he doing it? - No clue.

We're going out Friday, I'll ask him then.

Maybe while you're having sex, the reason will come to you.

Hi, honeys, I'm home.

How was work, dear?

Oh, you know.

Bras, boobs, chicken salad, bagel chips.

Who cares? I've had a revelation.

I think it's finally time to clean out my mother's bedroom

and do something with it.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Sybil told us to live our lives, so let's live.

I think turning that room into something fun

is the best way to do that.

Well, still, it feels a little soon.

But just for shits and giggles, what fun thing were you thinking of?

What would you say to a home gym?

I like it, but who am I gonna cruise

if it's just you guys in the locker room?

Details.

Oh, it'll be glorious.

We'll get all the latest machines.

The one that gives you the big pectoralis deliciosos.

Oh, and the leg press things.

You know what I'm talking about. The one that goes...

[grunting] "I'm having a baby!"

And the other one that goes... [Bunny grunting]

"Not tonight, mister."

[clapping] And the cherry on the cake,

a killer sound system that blares all the music

that's too embarrassing to listen to when anyone else is around.

- Like what? - Oh, I don't know.

I mean, off the top of my head,

one of you might secretly adore the peachy yet herbal sounds

of the dynamic duo behind Shake Your Groove Thing.

Why not? We deserve it.

We're three vital, chic men living together.

Arthur, you can just say "homos."

We are a team of three now. We need to celebrate it.

Oh. We should have a name for our team.

How about Gay Gardens?

Or, How to Get a Gay with Murder?

Why that?

I thought we were just putting "Gay" in shows we like.

Wait, I've got it.

Desert Queens.

- I don't know. - Mm. Me either.

We'll vote on it at our first official Desert Queens family meeting.

Good idea.

- We can vote on all decisions equally. - Yes.

- [glasses clinking] - But not the name.

Ooh, ooh! Can I be the sexy secretary?

At five o'clock, I'll pull the pencil out of my bun,

take my bra off through my sleeve, and make you all Manhattans.

Sure.

We'll have to run it by Brenda in HR, but I love it.

From this point on, nothing will be done in this house

unless we all vote on it.

- But about the name-- - To Desert Queens!

[? upbeat music playing]

[? upbeat music playing]

Hello, who's this?

Tom, yes, hi.

My roommates and I are looking to put together

a home gymnasium because it's time to move on

and it's something we really want to do.

We actually voted on it. We have these little by-laws now--

Just get to it, girl.

[shushing] He sounds very straight.

It's intimidating.

See if you can request a gay.

Don't be ridiculous! I'm not gonna ask for a--

Say, Tom...

Don't take this the wrong way, but is there anyone

at your establishment of the, uh, homosexual persuasion?

Well, aren't you an ally?

Yes, I'll hold.

[gasps] I can't believe that worked.

That could have saved me ten years of terrible haircuts.

I didn't want a super cut, I wanted a fabulous cut.

Oh, yes, Tom, I'm still here.

Sure, he can call me back at this number.

And Tom, you tell your parents they did a wonderful job.

[chuckles] What a gay-friendly store.

Well, it is called Dick's Sporting Goods, I mean...

Straight Tom was probably a diversity hire.

[Mindy groaning]

Palm Springs is like a permanent hot flash.

They should call this place Menopause County.

Ooh, bagels! Don't mind if I do.

Don't you have food at your place?

Funny story. No.

So, that's how this is going to go?

You just show up whenever, without a warning, like a herpe?

He's right, Min. [scoffs]

Even my sister shouldn't be allowed to walk into the house.

We could be naked.

When have you ever been naked?

At Camp Shalom, he showered in a tracksuit.

That way, I could clean my clothes and myself at the same time.

[sighs] I'm returning Mom's pearls.

I thought this would be the thing of hers that I'd want,

but too much guilt.

Why guilt?

She tried to give 'em to me in high school

and I screamed, "Do I look like I'd ever wear pearls?

Why do you hate who I am?" And she said...

[both] "I don't hate who you are, I love who you could be."

[sighs] So, I told her she sucks as a mother.

[Jerry] Oh.

It was the first time she ever gave me the finger.

Or the first time you saw her give you the finger.

- [doorbell chiming] - Ooh, I'll get it.

The morning Amazon guy is the cute one.

We have a whole thing.

I say, "Do you have a package for me?"

And he says, "Are you Bunny Schneiderman?"

And I say, "No." And he says, "Then, no."

[laughing] Oh, isn't flirty banter the best?

Come with me to Mom's room and help me find something.

- Please. - Oh, Mindy!

I've been through her room with you ten times.

Oh, take Arthur.

He's good at dealing with difficult people.

He once spent a weekend trying to get Faye Dunaway into a wig cap.

- Mason? - Hi, it's me, Mason.

What are you doing here?

You're probably wondering what I'm doing here.

[exhales sharply] I left my bride at the altar.

- You did? - Yeah.

Because of you.

[? upbeat jazzy music playing]

So, you're really turning this place into a gay gym?

You can just call it a gym.

Can I work out here?

No, sorry, it's a gay gym.

Ugh, there's nothing here that I want.

What exactly are we looking for?

Well... [sighs] I'm looking for something of hers

that makes me feel like she's with me,

but nothing that makes me feel sad, or guilty, or angry.

So, I'm going for feeling nothing.

How about her Xanax?

Oh, I pocketed those months ago.

Good to know. Now I can stop looking.

What about this?

Oh. The snow globe.

She got that when we were in Tel Aviv.

We had this huge fight.

I said, "It never snows in Tel Aviv."

And she said, "Then why would they make it, smart-ass?"

We fought the entire camel ride home.

- All we ever did was fight. - That was sort of her thing.

I know she loved me.

But I couldn't help but feeling under every fight

was her disappointment with me.

I'm sorry.

That must have been hard for you.

- Whoa. - What?

Did someone just allow me to have a feeling

without telling me I shouldn't be feeling it?

I guess I did.

That is so not the Schneiderman way.

Well, I'm not a Schneiderman, but I do live in this house.

So, if you ever need someone who doesn't care enough to fix you,

I'm your man.

That's all I've ever wanted.

- Should we get back to it? - Any suggestions?

I know you've rifled through everything in here.

How dare you!

But this is hers.

And so is this.

And actually, so are these.

You wear it all very well.

What about these creepy white children?

Right.

Those guys. Mom called this "Gentiles in the Rain."

- [laughing] - It's so stupid.

But you know what? I feel nothing.

This could work.

Thanks for...

Thanks.

Anytime.

But one more thing, darling.

Do text before you come over.

Your brother might not walk around here naked, but Jerry does.

That's not the deterrent you think it is.

?

I kept postponing the wedding

thinking that maybe future me was gonna be straighter,

but all the guys I hooked up with told me that was unlikely.

Eventually, I had to go through with it.

But then, in the middle of my vows

all I could hear were the words that you said to me on Fire Island.

That squirrels lose 80% of the nuts they hide?

[chuckling] No, no, no, not that.

Oh, when I use scissors, I look like Keira Knightley?

No, Jerry, it was the stuff that you said about being true to who I am.

[claps] So, I left Salt Lake

and I drove ten hours straight here.

- What, you just left? - Mm-hmm.

What was your excuse?

Oh, I told them I had to go to the bathroom.

- Oh. - [chuckles]

Oh, yeah. Mormons don't ask questions

when you bring up the bathroom.

They just figure you're a choir boy going in there for the acoustics.

Yeah, but any day now, they're gonna figure out I'm not in there.

Hey, I said something even dumber at my wedding.

- What? - "I do."

[sighs] See? You get it.

Tell me what I can do to help.

Well, can I stay here?

Just until I figure things out.

Of course you can stay. We do have an extra room.

I think the guys will be okay with it.

What the fuck were you thinking?!

Inviting that Latter-day runaway to stay here?

Wait, if this is an official Desert Queens family meeting

- we have to call roll. - [scoffs]

- Seriously? - It's what we agreed on.

- Bunny? - Here.

- Arthur? - Queer.

Jerry? Here. We can proceed.

- Bunny, you have the floor. - Thank you.

What the fuck were you thinking?!

What was I supposed to do?

- Mason has nowhere to go. - [Bunny sighs]

Remember when you guys took me in when I left the church?

I certainly do. And you've been with us for 30 years.

"Arthur thinks he's funny.

"But guess what?

"He's just mean.

Close paren."

I just feel like it was the Christian thing to do.

Then put him up at the YMCA.

It's got "Christian" right in the name.

He can get himself clean, he can have a good meal,

he can do whatever he feels.

No. No. He needs a community.

We should be here for him.

Jerry, I feel for the guy, I really do.

And we'll be here for him,

as long as he's not here when we're here for him.

- [doorbell chiming] - [Bunny scoffs]

He's right, Jerry. You need to have boundaries.

Exactly, and a rule's a rule.

No one can invite anyone to stay at this house without a vote.

Hello.

Carroll?

You said I could stay with you if I was ever in Palm Springs.

Well, guess what? I'm in Palm Springs!

We're never opening that door again.

?

[? upbeat music playing]

Carroll, there's been a misunderstanding.

What's to misunderstand?

You said if I was ever in Palm Springs, you'd put me up.

- Oh, I don't think I said that. - Oh, no, you did.

Right after I told you about my fear of flying.

Here, I'll show you.

You... you recorded our conversation?

I record all my conversations.

My therapist doesn't believe the things people say to me.

[Bunny] [on recorder] You're afraid of flying?

In that case, if you're ever in Palm Springs,

I'll put you up.

Okay.

Maybe I said that, but...

I assumed you'd give me a little notice.

That's not what you said at the bottomless margarita brunch.

[Bunny] [on recorder] Don't even call. Just show up!

Door's always open for you.

Yeah, I'll have another margarita.

But why are we talking about that, when we should be talking about us?

Us? Who's us?

- You and me. - Me and you?

Look, let's just stop it with this silly dance.

I'm in love with you, Bunny Schneiderman, I always have been.

And I got a pretty good idea you feel the same.

I-- I don't know how you possibly got that.

Oh, fuck.

[? upbeat music playing]

- The Chair recognizes Arthur. - Thank you.

What the fuck were you thinking?!

- Inviting Last Call Carroll to stay here? - [Jerry] Yeah.

What happened to not inviting people without a vote?

Can we just agree there's no need to point fingers?

- You did the same thing he did. - And you yelled at me for doing it.

You're literally pointing fingers.

Which we all agreed we weren't gonna do.

"Bunny is trying to pretend he didn't fudge up.

"Excuse the language.

Close paren."

First of all, it's not the same thing.

I never invited Carroll to stay.

I made an obviously insincere offer, which he took me up on.

And now, I have no choice but to begrudgingly act

as if I was sincere.

May not be the Christian thing to do,

but it's definitely the Jewish thing to do.

Why on Earth did you tell him you would date him?

I always tell people what they wanna hear.

May not be the Jewish thing to do,

but it's definitely the gay thing to do.

[phone chiming]

It's Mindy. "Is it okay if I come over?"

[texting] "Not really a good time."

- When is a good time? - [scoffs]

I don't think you got the spirit of the texting rule.

Probably not. Oh, who drank all the Diet Cokes?

- [Bunny/Jerry/Arthur] You! - I'm adorable.

Oh, Arthur, I'm returning Gentiles in the Rain.

I think I want something that makes me feel

more than nothing, but less than something.

"Meh" is really the sweet spot.

- [Mason laughing] - [Carroll] Oh, stop it.

[Mindy] Who's out there?

Oh, it's a long story.

Here, let me read back the minutes.

Uh, "B--" that's Bunny-- "scolds M--" that's Jerry.

- M? - Yeah, M, for "me."

Well, that's confusing, 'cause I'm M too.

[scoffs] You're right. I'll go back

and change all the M's to J's for "Jerry."

- [keyboard clicking] - There's one.

[keyboard continues clicking]

There's another one.

- [keyboard continues clicking] - Oh, there's another one.

Replace all. Do replace all!

Would someone please just tell M what the F is going on?

?

What's it like to look like you?

If I looked like you, I'd never stop touching myself.

Then again, I look like me, I never stop touching myself.

But soon, that'll be Bunny's job.

You're so funny.

[sighs] I wish I was funny.

Eh, you don't need it.

?

- So, just tell them to leave. - No, I can't.

I don't wanna turn my back on a gay man in need of community.

And I don't wanna break the heart of someone I--

well, to be honest, don't care that much about, but...

It is a complicated situation.

Yeah, disappointing people is harder than you think.

I'll do it.

[? upbeat music playing]

Before we begin, I want you to know

that you're both perfect in every way.

Now, I'm gonna start with the hot one.

Oh, I don't mind, you can let Mason go first.

Wow, sexy and patient.

Okay, angel face. [sighs]

Listen to me.

You're gay and you wanna live that life.

Good for you, you should.

But you can't leave a girl at the altar.

It's not kind.

So, you're gonna put on your big-boy Mormon underthings...

and you're gonna go back to Mayonnaise, Utah,

or where-- wherever the fuck you're from, and deal with this.

This is the part where you tell me I'm right.

You're right. I know, you're right.

You're gonna be fine, sweetie.

Guys are gonna eat you up with a spoon.

Maybe even a ladle.

You're a big boy.

[chuckles]

Well, one of us had to tell him.

Settle down, cute nick, it's your turn.

You know the book He's Just Not That Into You?

Yeah, I couldn't finish it. Too many mixed messages.

Maybe just read the title this time.

Look, you're a sweet guy,

and I can tell by looking at you that you have a big heart.

I do.

My doctor uses the term "enlarged," but go on.

There's someone out there for you, it's just not Bunny.

For one, you're too much alike.

- She's right. - That's true.

- Wait, what? - [Carroll] Yeah.

I guess we fall in love with mirror images of ourselves.

This conversation has to stop.

For now, I need you two to get your shit together.

- [sighs] Yeah. Yeah, we do. - You're right. You're right.

No, your actual shit.

Your luggage, your sundries, your toiletries, your shit.

I'll go grab you some snacks for the road.

[all applauding]

I know. I'm very good.

That was incredible.

It was so direct and forceful, but with heart.

It was so... Sybil.

- It was. - [Jerry] Mm-hmm.

It's like Mom is in you.

Ew!

Say that better.

Sorry. Uh, there's a part of our mother

that's always inside you.

- You just made it worse. - [Bunny sighs]

What your brother is trying to say is, you don't have to find some thing

to make you feel that Sybil is with you.

You got the best of her with you all the time.

You're my new favorite.

I'll let you break it to the others.

Emergency meeting of the Desert Queens.

- [Bunny] Aye. - [Arthur] Aye.

[Jerry] Aye.

Min, the guys and I have been talking.

Maybe we work better as four.

The Desert Queens would like to forego the gym

and offer you Sybil's room.

Oh. Wow.

You want me to move in here?

Guys, that's sweet.

But I'm not ready to give up.

Also, I'm not living here.

If I wanna listen to a bunch of old ladies bickering nonstop,

I'll turn on Bravo.

Well, as always, you turn a warm invitation

into a punch in the face.

But thank you.

Oh, you think you're done? No, no, no.

Get out there and say things.

[Bunny/Arthur/Jerry groan]

[sighs] So, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go back to Salt Lake and come out of the closet.

Guess I'll have to come out of the bathroom first.

Well, you're doing the right thing.

I wasn't brave enough to tell my family who I was.

But you can. There's power in that.

And I'll be here for you. Really, if you ever need a place to stay--

[both] Shut up, Jerry!

I'll help you find a good hotel.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Alright, you ready, Carroll? I'm gonna drive him to Utah.

- Oh. - Yeah, I hope you don't mind,

but we're gonna be stopping a lot.

I'm not a small man,

but I have a bladder the size of a pine nut.

Carroll, wait.

I just wanted to say you're a great guy,

and I really do like you.

I just think we're better as friends.

I hear you. Oh.

One thing before I leave.

That's what you'll be missing!

I've had worse.

[? upbeat music playing]

[Bunny] Let's move on to new business.

The gym equipment will not be here for ten weeks.

Since we officially make all of our decisions together,

what should we do with that room for the next two and a half months?

- There are no bad ideas. - How about we make it a guest room?

There is one bad idea.

[doorbell chiming]

It's not addressed to anybody.

It's too small for Carroll to be inside, right?

"For your big gay gym. Have a ball, love Mindy."

- [Arthur and Bunny chuckle softly] - Aw.

[Bunny grunting]

[all] Ooh.

[? "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches and Herb playing]

? Shake it, shake it ?

? Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing ?

? Yeah, yeah ?

? Show 'em how we do it now ?

? Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing ?

? Yeah, yeah ?

? Show 'em how we do it now ?

? Shake it ?

? Show 'em how we do it now, yeah ?

[? upbeat jazzy music playing]

?

[? music ends]

[voice] Let me talk to the boys.

[? fanfare playing]

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