Original subtitles

[? upbeat, jazzy music playing]

I can't take it anymore,

with the crunching and the crumbs falling out.

Just looking at it makes me sick.

Ma, tell them if they wanna date you, they have to wear their teeth.

You're terrible.

It's Judy. I hate the way she chews.

Okay, see you at lunch, Rotten.

Woman drives me crazy.

Then why have lunch with her?

Because she's my best friend. What's wrong with you?

Oh, hey. I'm going to get the mail, then coming back.

Jerry, you don't have to say it, you can just do it.

Got it. Walking out now. Back in two seconds.

He drives me crazy.

Then why do you live with him?

He's my best friend. What's wrong with you?

Alright, off to meet Judy.

- No Sally? - Sally... moved.

- When? - Few weeks ago.

- Why? - What's with all these questions?

Very intrusive. I don't get involved in your life.

You were peeing in my bathroom while I was showering this morning.

Then, get me my own heated toilet seat and stop watching me while I pee.

[groaning]

[? upbeat music playing]

Ugh, my mother.

Here's your challenge. Start one conversation without the phrase,

"Ugh, my mother."

You try living with her.

Oh wait, that doesn't work anymore.

[sighs] I just had the nicest conversation with Auggie and Terrence.

They were telling me Marissa's garage door is still a problem.

After three grand, right?

But Margo and Henry knew a guy, so it should get taken care of.

Who is he talking about?

I never saw Shogun. It could be that.

- I'm talking about your neighbors. - Neighbors?

I mean, I always assumed someone lived in those houses,

but their identities were of no concern to me.

Neighbors are like straight guys, in that, who cares?

No, you've got great neighbors, like Penny next door.

What a character. I invited her over for drinks.

[chuckles]

Penny? Penny Newton-Breene?

- Yeah. - Oh, no, no, no!

She's not coming over here!

We live next door to Penny Newton-Breene, the congresswoman?

- What's wrong with her? - She's on the wrong side

of every single issue that matters most to us.

- Like what? - Civil rights,

gay rights, big pharma, the environment.

What's her position on the environment?

Well...

She's... against it.

Like how?

Oh, she's terrible on the-- on the energy,

and the pollution, and the poor, poor birds.

You have no clue what you're talking about, do you?

[scoffs] Everyone in my bubble hates her,

so I hate her too.

Bunny, the world is already so divided.

I mean, maybe having her over is an opportunity

to find some common ground.

How do you find common ground with a person

who takes that position on fracking?

What exactly is fracking?

Oh, well...

Fracking is... fracking!

It's... such a... [groaning]

Darling, you know, waving your gay hand isn't an explanation.

It's hard to explain.

It's a method to extract oil and natural gas

from deep underground rock formations.

- Hm. - Well, that's certainly part of it.

But you've glossed right over the effect it has

on the poor, poor birds.

Jerry, I think inviting the congresswoman over is a grand idea.

- Arthur! - We should find common ground.

Oh, I love it, I love it. I'll text Penny

and tell her to come by around 6:00, 6:30.

I have to be at the Harkhams' at 4:00 to help with Nadine's intervention.

I'm not sure how her drinking's affected my life,

but I can block the driveway so she can't get out.

What the hell's the matter with you?

You want that vile woman in this house?

I do indeed.

Ooh, look at her. She's scheming.

If she could grow a mustache, she'd be twirling it right now.

We're going to lure her in so we can destroy her.

I'm so sick of ranting at the television every time I see her.

I wanna do it in person.

Yeah, I'm sick of ranting at the television too.

Although I really like Nicole Kidman in The Perfect Couple.

Oh! I love tracking her wigs for slippage.

[laughing]

But that's not what we're talking about!

We're angry! Please, continue.

I'll look her straight in the eye and say, "Madam,

you have ripped apart the fabric of our democracy."

Yeah! And I'll say some things too.

- Like what? - Oh, it's gonna be good.

I'm gonna dive right in and talk about the issues,

and I'm not messing around with the small stuff,

or the medium stuff, or even the medium-small stuff.

- So, the big stuff. - Oh, yeah.

She's not getting away with, uh... you know.

Oh, yeah!

All of that's gonna come out. Oh!

Yeah. [chuckles] Forget about it.

?

[? jazzy music playing]

[sighs] Well, hello ladies. Are we ready to order?

We just sat down.

Always in a hurry, this one.

Will Sally be joining you as well?

- No, she won't. - No, not today.

- Oh, should I take her chair? - [both] No!

Well, let me know when you're ready to complain.

[loud crunching]

Are you kidding me with that?

- [loud crunching continues] - It's like an army marching over gravel.

Are your teeth invading Poland?

- Why are you starting with me? - I'm not starting.

You know what's distracting?

That face you make when you're annoyed.

- What face? - The frown and the scrunched-up mouth.

It's like a balloon knot with lipstick.

Could we not do this?

Could we just say something nice to one another

and enjoy our lunch?

Fine.

Alright, I'll start.

Your hair...

is fun.

Thank you.

Your blouse...

is very f--

jazzy.

Wow, you just couldn't help yourself, could ya?

What? I said it was jazzy.

Which is code for "You're a ridiculous woman

who doesn't dress her age."

You said that my hair was fun.

No, yours was an insult. Mine was a compliment.

It was not a compliment.

That's true.

[crunches]

?

What are you doing? Why are you covering my painting?

I don't want Penny to feel uncomfortable.

I was looking around the house, at all the nudes.

It's a lot of meat and potatoes, Bun.

[Bunny scoffs]

Sword Fight on the Lake is a masterpiece.

And I'm not hiding who I am, especially for a woman

- who is undermining human rights. - And which human rights

- are you talking about-- - Just give it to me, queen!

Guys, guys, stop.

If we wanna bridge the divide, it's really important

- that we meet her where she is. - [doorbell rings]

Ooh, she's at the door. I'll meet her there.

- [Bunny scoffs] - Now, listen to me.

We have a chance to-- Stop darting the pillows!

- I want her to know we're serious! - [pillows thudding]

- Penny, welcome. - Hi.

Uh, this is Bunny Schneiderman, Arthur Broussard.

- Guys, Penny Newton-Breene. - Gentlemen.

- Hello. - Hi.

How do you do, Congresswoman?

Oh, I'm terrific, Arthur, and thank you for asking.

I cannot tell you what a joy it is to meet my constituents

and learn about their concerns.

[laughing] Oh, my God.

Can you imagine if I was that guy?

'Cause I not!

I'm off the clock, muthafuckas!

Somebody needs to put a drink in this hand.

Oops, God gave me two. Oh! [laughs]

Coming right up. I told you she was fun!

Arthur, go. Showtime.

Madam, there's something we need to say.

- [soft growling] - Oh... oh, oh.

Um, ex-squeeze me!

Are you a tiny, tiny dog?

This is Reagan.

[Arthur] Reagan!

Well, hello, Mr. President.

- You wanna play with him? - [gasps]

Yeah, it's okay. We're in an open marriage.

[clearing throat] Uh, what I think my friend

- was trying to say is that-- - I'm sure it was, um,

super, super important.

But wouldn't you rather see a pic of a senator's junk?

Well...

you are a guest in my home, it would be rude to say no.

[Bunny gasps]

Wow, that thing can really cross an aisle.

We call it the weapon of ass destruction.

I would certainly yield to the gentleman from the great state of Georgia.

Yeah.

How 'bout some music?

[Penny chuckles]

- [? pop music playing] - A tiny, tiny dog.

Yeah, but now what do we do about Raunchy Pelosi?

[Penny babbling]

[? upbeat dance music playing]

You guys are so fun. Especially you.

Let's split off. You're with me.

You go get drinks. Go with him.

[? upbeat dance music continues playing]

You are so hot.

[chuckles] Thank you.

You know I'm gay, right?

Isn't that just a word?

- I like your moves. - Oh, I'm a flight attendant.

I call this one, "We're experiencing some turbulence."

[both laughing]

Good one.

Time to make an emergency landing in my runway.

Don't you mean on my runway?

I do not.

[? dance music continues playing in distance]

[bottle clinking]

Bunny, we're missing our moment.

We should go out there and do what we said we were gonna do.

Or...

and this is just a suggestion,

we could keep drinking, looking at dirty pictures,

and confront her on another day when she's...

[hiccups] ...not so drunk.

- This is harder than we thought. - I know.

On the one hand, she's...

she's evil.

But on the other hand,

she's a hot-mess party girl with no boundaries

and a phone full of congressional erections.

[scoffs]

Curses! It's all gay kryptonite.

Oh! Weakening. Weakening.

Must party!

[? upbeat dance music continues playing]

[? jazzy music playing]

Last night was a failure.

We had our opportunity to speak truth to power, and we blew it.

Damn her for being such a rocking good time.

We'll have another chance.

Now that we know her, it'll be easier

to be constructively critical of her policies, like...

uh...

"the withholding of funds to urban schools,"

and-- oh, shit, it got wet.

[Jerry groaning]

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

[groaning]

Jerry, everything okay?

I consented to some filthy things last night.

What exactly did she do to you?

Oh, she did to me, I...

I did to her, she made me do to myself!

There are things I wanna forget and things I'll never forget,

and two I wanna do again.

I'm still gay, right?

You've stumbled off the yellow brick road, Dorothy.

But you'll find your way back home.

[loudly] Oh, will I? Will I, Arthur?

Ow. Ow. Ow.

[softly] Will I?

[birdsong]

She fucked him, right?

- [knocking at door] - Hi, can I come in?

- Oh. - Now's your chance.

Yeah, but my notes are smudged.

- I've got it. - Okay.

Uh...

Good morning, Congresswoman.

Oh, blow me, it's Penny. You got a minute?

Yes, as a matter of fact, we're glad you stopped by.

- There's something we wanna say. - Arthur, I wanna hear everything,

but I've got an emergency in D.C.

Would you guys mind watching Reagan?

My housekeeper can pick him up on Sunday.

A sleepover with my Reagan?

Matching PJs, Gilmore Girls,

- liver treats? - [Reagan barks]

No, he's an old guy. He mostly sleeps.

He's heaven, and his feet smell like Fritos.

Arthur, wasn't there something you wanted to say?

Nancy, if you need me, I'll be at the ranch.

?

[? gentle music playing]

[loud crunching]

- [mouthing] I can hear you. - [loud crunching continues]

[? jazzy music plays]

Well, I'm glad you guys didn't get into it with Penny.

I mean, that just creates more hate in the world.

You know what I think? Her policies are based on ignorance.

I bet she doesn't have a lot of gay friends.

Yeah, and now she sees we're no different than she is,

except we have real penises.

[chatter on TV]

Bunny, what are you so mesmerized by over there?

I'm watching the congressional hearing.

After a night with Penny's phone,

it's nice to put the face with the phallus.

Oh, look, your mommy's on TV.

[Reagan softly whimpers]

And I won't stand by as our children are subjected to the gay agenda.

We have got to bring decency and morality

back into the classrooms.

That's why this Friday, I will vote to pass

the Don't Groom in Homeroom Bill.

Thank you, and God bless America.

- I don't believe it! - How could she do that?!

I am so not attracted to her now!

I am definitely gay again!

?

[? jazzy music plays]

I can't bear to think of Reagan back in that den of hate.

Talk about grooming.

Penny's gonna groom that sweet dog into a nasty bitch.

A bitch is a dog.

Shut up, Jerry. You let her peg you.

- Don't bottom-shame me! - [Bunny scoffs]

Stop it, stop it, stop it! We can't turn on each other.

- That's just what they want. - Who's "they"?

Oh, the people who... who, uh...

abuse the power, and-- Shut up, Jerry!

- [doorbell rings] - [Penny] It's Penny!

[all gasp]

[pillows thumping]

Arthur, you're officially unleashed.

Rip her apart. Be vicious.

- Be yourself. - I can do that.

[Penny crying]

Reagan's dead.

What? No.

- No! - [glass shattering]

- [gasps] What happened? - And how?

[crying] He was so old.

The little guy just went to sleep, and then he didn't wake up again.

I should have been there with him.

Did he call for me?

[sobbing] No, 'cause he's a dog.

I'm so grateful to you guys

for making Reagan's last few days on Earth so happy.

Oh, hon, come here.

[Penny sniffles]

I wanna do a ceremony for him. Would you guys come?

Yeah, yeah, we'll come.

I'm so glad we're friends. [sniffling]

I don't have any. I don't know why.

You know what? Let's do it Sunday, because I have to be in D.C. on Friday

- for a vote. - Ah, yes, the vote.

I'm sorry, Penny, I know this is a bad time for you,

but I really need to say something.

I may not know the specifics of your bill,

but I know that it's going to hurt people like me,

people like us.

And I know you know that too.

So, to be perfectly honest,

I really don't want to join you this Sunday.

But we will.

Because she's grieving.

And even though I disagree with your beliefs...

we're still neighbors.

And where I come from, neighbors show up for each other.

Because if you can make someone's life a little bit easier,

then that's what you do.

Thanks.

And I hear you.

But it won't make a difference.

Will it?

I have to take care of my voters. You know, it's all about the base.

[sings] ? 'Bout that bass, 'bout that bass ?

See you Sunday.

?

I've decided to be the bigger person.

- Thank you. - And let you apologize.

What do I have to apologize for?

Put the breadstick down, Chewbacca.

You're not the only one with a knife.

And I'm not the only one who hates that face you make.

Sally did too.

Sally also hated the way you chew.

Well, Sally isn't here anymore.

[sighs]

Have you seen her in the new place?

Last week.

Did she know who you were?

I think so.

No.

- Her kids don't visit. - That's the worst.

I really don't wanna end up in one of those places.

We won't. You know why?

I'm not driving over a cliff

in a convertible with you, if that's what you're thinking.

No.

It's because we're lucky.

We have gay sons.

We annoy the shit out of them, but they'll always take care of us.

I think I know why we've been fighting.

We see the herd thinning, and we're wondering who's gonna be next.

Can you have a herd with just two?

We can.

I know I'm gonna get my head bitten off, but we really need this chair.

Can I take it?

Maybe it's time?

Maybe it is.

I was just looking for a simple yes or no.

- Yes. - Yes, yes, take it already.

Yeah, and don't expect a tip.

I never do.

?

And I spoke to a number of my constituents,

and for a lot of them, it will make life harder, it will hurt them.

And where I come from, if you can make someone's life a little easier,

then that's what you do.

That's why I voted no today.

I truly think it's what Reagan would have wanted.

I don't believe it. She voted no.

Reagan would have wanted it.

[kisses]

Tiny!

I think I did that.

I spoke truth to power, and she heard me.

I showed her the rage of the marginalized.

Oh, am I an activist now?

I think so.

Or was it my message of compassion that got to her?

You know, "love thy neighbor," it's so simple, but so powerful.

[Arthur] Oh, ladies.

You stupid, stupid ladies.

It was me.

You didn't say anything!

Because I had something much more powerful than words.

I had Jerry's phone,

and Jerry's phone had a pictorial essay of Penny,

America's great champion of family values, wearing a strap-on...

that somehow found its way into her inbox right before the vote.

Congratulations, Jerry, you consented to things

so vile and unnerving, it changed the course of history.

So, it was me!

?

[? upbeat, jazzy music playing]

?

[? music ends]

[voice] Let me talk to the boys.

[? fanfare playing]

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