Original subtitles

[? upbeat jazzy music playing]

- Swipe left. - Swipe left.

Nice.

- What about him? - Oh, Glen!

Yeah, you don't want that.

You've had that?

Mm, she lazy.

Total pillow queen.

It's like having sex with a 50-pound bag of rice.

I'm never eating stir fry with you again.

Ooh, pretty.

[scoffs] Might be too big.

And look at the size of the entry, you could fit a football team in there.

Who are you looking at and how is he still alive?

Oh, no, I already have two dates. Now, I'm looking at houses on Zillow.

- [Bunny coughing] - Ooh.

- You okay, Bunny? - Throat's a little scratchy.

- There must be some irritant in the house. - [Sybil] Bunny!

Found it.

[? upbeat music playing]

[Jerry coughing]

What's with all the coughing? Are you sick?

You should test for COVID.

Why? COVID's ancient history,

like the Macarena, and male and female.

Well, until you test, I'm staying away from you.

Is that all it took?

I should have started coughing in the third grade.

[? upbeat music playing]

- [Bunny sighing] - [plastic tapping]

Isn't a false positive the worst?

False? You're bright red.

You're bright red!

- And I have a date. - Well, we're all sick.

So, meet your new bags of rice.

Jasmine, basmati, and brown.

We're not all sick.

I'm going to the Palm Desert Royale.

The Royale? That's expensive!

Oh, sure, you three almost killed me,

but put me in a Holiday Inn like an animal!

I'm going to the Royale!

Wasn't life better when gay men were shunned by their families?

It's a good thing we tested.

Is it? If you don't test, you don't have it.

That's what my sister said about pregnancy tests in high school.

My niece is now 40.

[coughing]

Oh, this is a nightmare.

Oh, you may not know this, but I'm not a good sick person.

You're barely a good well person.

Guys, the latest strain is not that strong.

It's not gonna be that bad.

[coughing violently]

[groaning]

Boys, can you hear me?

When I die, make sure to remove the trunk

in my closet before my mother sees it.

And the box under my bed.

And my nightstands.

Don't forget the nightstands!

And... and... and-- and just burn my laptop.

Copy that, Uncle Perv.

Oh, those could be your last words to me.

I hope they don't haunt you. Haunt you, haunt you.

- [sneezing] - Almost done.

Jerry, how is it you look even better than usual?

Are you kidding me?

My cheeks are flushed, I've lost two pounds,

and my bedhead makes my hair look way too thick.

?

[? upbeat music playing]

- You got another Amazon Prime, Bunny. - Ooh!

My sick bed bamboo knitting needles, yay!

See, this is what The Jetsons got wrong.

Forget the flying cars and robot maids.

Where were the packages that arrived overnight?

I always thought Rosie the maid was a lesbian.

I mean, I know she was a robot,

but she always swung her head around when Jane walked into the room.

I've never said this before, but I don't know if we need alcohol.

Oh no, it's cold medicine.

We're playing a drinking game, we need drinks.

- Ooh! - Okay, so the name of the game

is Never Have I Ever.

I say something I've never done, and if you've done it,

you have to drink, got it?

- [both coughing] - I'll take that as a yes.

Oh, and if you've done it, you also have to tell the story,

'cause that's the best part. Uh, Arthur, you start.

Okay.

Never have I ever... gotten into a fist fight.

Fist fight, not slap fight.

But I won all of them.

- Unless it was against girls. - [Jerry] Mm.

[clapping] Ooh, oh, okay, I have one, I have one.

Okay, um, never have I ever... [laughing]

[laughing] This is good.

Eaten dessert before a meal. [laughing]

- Uh, I guess I have. - Guilty as charged.

No, no, no, no! Not so fast.

You tell that story.

Um... yesterday...

there was, uh, half a butterscotch custard in the fridge,

and I ate it before lunch.

[laughing wildly]

You're crazy!

Butterscotch?

Oh, Bunny, top that. [chuckles]

Uh... I had the other half earlier.

Before breakfast?

Yes, dear, I'm livin' la vida loca.

[laughing wildly]

[coughing]

Oh, oh! [chuckles]

I've got one that's gonna get Jerry.

Never have I ever slept with a woman.

- Oh. - Oh.

What?!

You had sex with a woman?

That story, my ears, right now.

Well, when I was married and it got to be nighttime--

Not you!

Arthur.

Oh. That is weird.

Why have you never-have-you-ever told us this?

Because I'm not proud of it.

I was in high school dating this girl, Yvonne Wilson,

tragically in love with me.

I think if anyone is dating you, the tragedy is implied.

- Bunny. - I'm sick!

Anyway. We had sex.

[Jerry] Hm.

First time for both of us,

and as soon as we did, I felt trapped.

I wasn't ready to tell anyone I was gay.

So, I did something I'm not proud of.

You called out her brother's name?

Not unless her brother's name was, "What did I just do?"

So, I wrote her a letter saying I was joining the Army.

I left New Orleans that night and never spoke to her again.

You ever think of reaching out to her?

Many times.

[laughing]

- What? - I'm-- I'm so sorry.

It's just, butterscotch before breakfast. [continues laughing]

Your tummy must have been like, "Bwah!"

[clearing throat] Oh!

[chuckles] I just thought of a fun, easy one.

Never have I ever had sex on the beach.

- Oh yeah, lots of times. - Some guy, I don't remember who.

Alright, my turn. Never have I ever--

Wait, what just happened?

There was a look between the two of you.

- What look? - It was nothing.

What-- bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

There it is again.

Up to you.

Oh, so there is something.

Yeah, okay, um...

It was the summer George broke up with me,

and I was in a really bad place, you remember.

And Arthur and I were on the beach, and we were talking, and...

Oh, I don't wanna say it.

I will. We stopped talking.

[Arthur sighs]

Oh.

I see.

It was only one time.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bunny, we should have told you.

He's right, we should have.

[sighs]

Wow, how 'bout that? A tryst in the night.

Two people I love, lovin' all over each other.

? Summer lovin' ?

? Some are not ?

? Tell me less, tell me less ?

? Did she put up a fight ?

[coughing]

Oh, great, now I've lost my sense of taste.

What a waste of that pint of ice cream I'm about to eat.

And yes, Jerry, before dinner.

[cackling]

?

[? upbeat music playing]

[blowing nose loudly]

[continues blowing nose loudly]

Okay, that's one nostril.

I need to talk about something.

I kinda hate myself for what I did.

Not gonna lie. [sniffling]

It was a shock.

Poor Yvonne.

Oh, we're doing her.

How does one trust again after a betrayal like that?

One is asking one's self the same question.

Seriously, what kind of person does that?

Off the top of my head, a liar, a skank, a whore,

a two-faced trollop.

A duplicitous dandy.

A geriatric Jezebel.

A Fire Island fraud, a girl gone wild.

I can keep going.

[sighs]

I wanted to tell you about me and Jerry.

But you didn't. You owe me an apology, Arthur.

Oh, come on, I don't owe you an apology.

It was one night a thousand years ago.

If anyone owes you an apology, it's Jerry.

Why?

He's the one who made me promise not to tell.

Probably because you can be-- how do I put this gently?

Betty, you put the "drama" in "drama queen."

Hm. Drama queen.

Drama queen.

[dramatically laughing]

I won't pretend that slur doesn't sting a little,

especially from two people I've opened my heart to.

But I suppose an open heart makes an easier target

to stab with a dagger of betrayal!

A heart that even 30 years hence, still bleeds like it was cut yesterday.

And you have the sheer chutzpah...

...to suggest that I am a drama queen?

Madam, I bid you good day.

- Look, Bunny-- - I said good day, bitch.

[? upbeat music playing]

Yvonne, it was cowardly not to tell you who I was.

It was insensitive, and you deserve better.

- I forgive you. - I'm so sorry.

Oh, I know you are, Arthur.

If you only knew how this haunted me all these years

and how very sorry I am.

Heard! A couple times now.

- I forgive you. - Good, because I'm truly sorry.

I mean, to slink out of your bed and flee into the night like a bandit.

Baby, baby, baby, I got a gumbo on the stove

that's gonna stick to the bottom of the pot

if we don't get to the bottom of this.

So, you gotta hear me when I tell you that we're good.

Why are you being so kind to me?

Because I get it.

I know your family, we went to the same church.

To be who you were, where we lived,

could not have been a good time for you.

It wasn't.

I just wish I was brave enough to come out to you back then.

Well, you didn't have to.

You lost your virginity to the side of my leg.

[mouthing] What?

I knew then.

I probably always knew, I just didn't wanna know.

Still, I-- I should have told you. How can you forgive me?

Arthur, the-- the question you should be asking yourself

is how can you forgive yourself?

- For what I did to you? - No!

For not loving that beautiful, gifted brave boy

who sang I'm Every Woman at the church talent show.

Who did I think I was foolin'? [laughing]

I mean, did you see your daddy's face?

I've never seen a dark-skinned Black man that red.

[both laughing]

Oh, honey. So, how 'bout no more apologizing

for something that happened a thousand years ago?

I mean, you know, when you're young, you-- you do stupid things,

and you don't think about how it may affect other people.

[sighs]

You're right.

And now, I have one more apology to make.

Not to you.

You see, I live with my two best friends now,

and one night a thousand years ago, I did something stupid that might--

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Gumbo, gotta go.

[laughs] Bye-bye!

?

[? upbeat music playing]

[blowing nose loudly]

Where is it all coming from? [groans]

- [knocking, door opens] - [sighs]

Can we talk?

[scoffs] I don't need to talk.

[sniffling] I know what happened.

"Don't tell Bunny, Arthur, because he's such a drama queen.

Now, kiss me again, and don't tell Bunny."

Oh, great, I dropped a stitch.

Could this day get any worse?

I would never call you a drama queen.

- But you think it. - Oh, yeah, we all do.

Then, let the drama queen have her rest.

She's exhausted.

Please, don't be mad.

I...

Ow.

Ooh.

You're a quart low.

I was a wreck that night, and I was drunk,

and Arthur was there.

And I know that you were too.

But I was afraid that if I turned to you...

there would have been feelings.

Oh, feelings. Got it, of course.

If you even smiled at me, I couldn't help falling in love with you.

I can see how that must have been terrifying for you.

- That's not what I was afraid of. - Then, what was it?

My hunchback? The bolts in my neck?

The flowers that shrivel when I walk by?

Just go, Jerry.

[Jerry sighs]

Bunny, I wasn't afraid that you would fall in love with me.

I was afraid that I would fall in love with you.

What?

[sighs] You really don't know what you meant to me, do you?

When I came into your life, I-- I was nothing.

And you were everything. You were successful, smart, out.

So many friends, so loving.

I'm not following this.

If we got together and it didn't work out, I would lose you.

It didn't matter that I was attracted to you.

And boyfriends come and go, but you...

[sighs]

I couldn't lose you.

I couldn't then, and... I can't now.

[gasps, sniffles]

[sneezing]

[coughing violently]

[retching]

[continues coughing]

[hacking loudly]

[spitting]

I can see why you'd be attracted to me.

Thank you for what you said.

It meant a lot to me.

Mostly because it means there wasn't a chance in hell

of you falling in love with Arthur.

Maybe we shouldn't tell him that.

No? Really? Okay, maybe.

[laughing]

I won't. Probably.

Oh.

[Bunny sighs]

- [sighs] - Oh, Jerry.

What's the point of falling in love anyway?

Aren't we all just looking for someone who can stand us

and likes the same TV shows?

- [chuckles] - [clearing throat]

- [TV playing music] - Ooh, Slow Horses.

- Do you want me to put the captions on? - No!

I'm not a thousand.

But yes.

- And-- and the big type. - Okay.

Oh, bigger.

[TV continues playing music]

[Jerry coughing]

[Bunny sneezes]

Oh. This is nice.

[sneezing]

Yes, it is.

[? upbeat music playing]

I am obsessed with this show,

but I have no idea what's going on.

- [knocking] - [door opens]

Bunny, I just got off the phone with Yvonne,

and I realized, I do owe you an apology.

I'm listening.

You're my dear friend, and I upset you.

I should have told you what happened.

Thank you.

But if you had told him, then I would have been upset.

And I would've been sorry about that.

- Well, then you shouldn't have told him. - I didn't tell him.

- And that really upset me. - And I said I was sorry.

- I should have told you. - But if you had done that--

This is why I never apologize to you queens!

There's no end to it!

Now, move over.

Here, I wanna be in the middle.

[Arthur grunts]

- Bunny sandwich. - Yeah.

Where does Yvonne live now?

- She's still in New Orleans. - [Jerry] Hmm.

I have a question for you, Arthur.

When did you lose your Southern accent and start talking

like the teapot from Beauty and the Beast?

You try climbing the ladder at Vogue talking like,

"Y'all know where cerulean blue come from?"

[all laughing]

[all coughing]

?

[? upbeat music playing]

?

[? music ends]

[voice] Let me talk to the boys.

[? fanfare playing]

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