Original subtitles

[? upbeat jazzy music playing]

[Jerry screams]

- I heard someone scream! - I heard someone scream!

[screaming]

[giggling]

What's going on? Are you okay?

Donny Osmond is performing in Palm Springs,

and tickets just went on sale.

- [sighing] Oh. - [Jerry giggles]

Jerry, my love, Arthur and I accept your lifestyle choices.

But when it comes to Donny,

we would like to adopt a "don't tell, don't tell" policy.

Guys, you don't know what he means to me.

It's not just about his music, which is awesome and groundbreaking.

- Well, I don't know if it's-- - Groundbreaking!

Even more, I am gay because of Donny Osmond.

And now, I'm interested.

Like most Mormon kids, the only hard rock poster

I was allowed to have in my bedroom was Donny and Marie.

I remember being 10 and telling my mom

I, I got a funny feeling in my tummy when I looked at Donny's pants.

The next day, when I came home from school,

the Donny half of the poster was gone.

So, your mother literally told him to "go away, little girl."

But I found it in the trash and hid it under my mattress.

I slept on top of Donny for the next eight years.

My first tummy tingle was for a muscular daddy

with a shaved head, white t-shirt, and a gold earring.

Are you talking about Mr. Clean?

During the day.

But at night, he was Mr. Dirty.

[Arthur laughing]

So, who wants to come with me to get tickets?

All the fans in line squeal with delight.

It's called an Orgasmond.

[chuckles] Oh. I'd go, but sadly,

due to circumstances beyond my control, I don't want to.

But you have fun.

Well, how 'bout you, Arthur?

We could grab something to eat in the casino.

Casino, you say?

- That's where you're going? - That's where Donny's playing.

Ooh, I do love a casino!

[clapping] You know what? I will go!

Oh, we'll have to stop by the bank first in case I wanna play a little blackjack!

Not a lot, just a little, just a taste, just for fun.

[chuckles] Give me 10 minutes, I'm gonna change.

Three-to-one says I can do it in five. Hotcha!

[? upbeat music playing]

You're not going with them?

To Donny Osmond? Nah.

The only thing blacker than me at that concert

will be the shoe polish on Donny's eyebrows.

What about the casino? I know you like a good card game.

This has the music of benign conversation but the steady drumbeat of a trap.

- What are you getting at? - I think you're broke.

Sweetheart, I'm worried about you.

Sybil, I'm fine.

Your socks and underwear have holes in them.

And I know that at least with the socks, it's not intentional.

Woman, stay out of my dainties drawer.

Arthur, you need a job.

The Bunny Hutch does a lot of business with Carlisles & Co.

I got you an interview.

You're seeing Tevin at noon. You're welcome.

Tevin? I'm not a shopgirl.

You need this, Arthur.

What I need is a position worthy of my talents.

My column was read by everyone in the fashion industry.

I am single-handedly responsible for the return of the man kilt...

the demise of the man kilt, and its triumphant return again!

Don't act like you're so special, Arthur. You can get a job.

I had a career. I'm not taking a job.

I thought you might say that.

- What are you doing with my La Mer? - Hm, I think the better question

is what have you been doing with it?

- I don't know what you're talking about. - No?

Because when I take a sniff

of this $500 shot glass of moisturizer...

- Please don't! - Hmm, what's that smell?

Don't say it.

- Jergens! - Stop!

You're a re-filler, Arthur, with Jergens,

the lotion of county hospitals everywhere.

You might be able to fool your friends, but...

your elbows know.

Oh, believe me, they know.

?

[? upbeat music playing]

I remember seeing him on a talk show once dressed to the nines.

He was wearing purple socks. I mean, he's just like us.

The scuttlebutt online is that he's going to open with Puppy Love

and close with One Bad Apple.

Dang! He's always finding ways

to keep a 55-year-old act fresh.

Hey, sweet cheeks. [chuckles]

Buy yourself something pretty. I'm killing it at the tables.

Oh, good. We're having fun too.

I mean, the line is almost as much fun as the concert.

[chuckles] I believe that.

This is Marilou, and this is Kyung-Suk.

I'm a divorced mother of three.

Surprise! I'm the one who cheated.

And Kyung-Suk is in a Donny and Marie tribute band in Seoul.

- Oh! - Sing us something.

- Oh, I-I'm sorry. - [Kyung-Suk begins singing]

I'm late for an appointment with anything but this.

?

[? upbeat music playing]

[Tevin] Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, um...

Oh, Arthur.

I have to say, impressive CV.

But then it stops. CV interruptus.

[sing-song] ? Somebody fell out of favor ?

What'd you do?

I didn't do anything.

- I had-- - You know, Artie...

- Can I call you that? - No.

Well, I'm gonna. Artie...

not just anyone is Carlisles & Co. material.

This is a fashion landmark.

I'm well aware of the significance of this institution--

You can't use the bathroom on this floor. It's management only.

Hourly workers can go number one on one

and number one and two on three,

but no two on two, and no three on three.

- What's three? - One plus two.

For that, you have to go to the Cheesecake Factory

on Monty Hall Drive.

I don't recall getting this talk when I consulted for Oscar de la Renta.

I'm sensing a little attitude.

With all due respect, Tevin,

I've spent many years in the fashion business.

[Tevin sniffs] Is that...

[sniffing] ...Jergens?

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

?

- [dealer] Nineteen. - [Bunny] Wait!

[scoffs] I hit. I didn't get my cards.

This is hit. You stayed.

No, no, no, uh, Lester from Azusa.

I had four split hands.

I grazed each hand with dips

indicating I wanted four cards. It could not have been clearer.

You have to tap, sir.

What is a dip but a graceful tap?

Is there no place for elegance at the Yucca Valley

Starlight Sands Casino and RV Campground?

I'm Sal D'Amico, the pit boss. Is there a problem here?

He didn't tap. He lost.

I tapped, I tapped!

I tapped so hard, I could have been Ann Miller!

Lester, leave the chips and then take 10.

Take 20 and really think about what you've done.

Ugh, honestly, don't you just hate Lester?

So, Sal, I just lost a lot of money, and I would like it back, please.

[chuckles] I've never heard that before.

It's not about the money, it's about the principle.

I've never heard that before either.

I swear, I tapped.

Don't you have a thing up there watching the thing

that can show you the thing I did for the thing?

- You mean cameras? - Yes.

- I'll check. - [sighs]

You ready for some Donny drama? They sold out.

But they're releasing standing room tickets any minute.

- How are things going with you? - Jerry, what would you say this is?

Conducting? Oh, giving last rights!

- Tiny basketball! - [ding]

Oh! I'm right!

Oh, no, that was my phone.

Oh, they're doing a sing-along. They need me.

My hair is the closest to Marie's. I gotta go.

So, uh, good news, bad news.

Bad news-- saw the tape. Inconclusive.

- [Bunny sighs] - Good news, I think I might have a way

for you to get your money back.

I'm all ears, which you would find hilarious

if you knew my name was Bunny. [chuckles]

The guy that just left, he a friend of yours?

Yeah, a very good friend.

Here's what I'm thinking.

You ever see that movie where the guy from Cheers

loses a lot of dough, and his wife, the chick from Ghost,

gets it back if she sleeps with the guy from The Sting?

- Indecent Proposal. - No, no, the one with Demi Moore.

- Yes, Indecent Proposal. - No, no.

She's rolling around in the money on the bed.

Wait, don't tell me. It's Indecent Proposal!

Anyway, I'm Robert Redford.

That hot guy is Demi Moore, and you're Danny DeVito.

I'm Woody Harrelson!

Never mind! The fact that you think

I would pimp out my dearest, closest friend, Jerry,

just to get my money back, how dare you!

- So, that's a no? - I'll be right back.

?

[? upbeat jazzy music playing]

Uh, where is that going?

I was bringing your client another option.

And why would you do that?

I think an A-line in a natural silk

will fall better and look more flattering.

And, uh, what is the price of that A-line?

It's marked down to 395.

Do you have any idea what I have her trying on in there?

The slip alone is a grand.

I need you to take that A-line and make a beeline

back to the sales rack where you found it.

Is it not my job to make the customers look their best?

Let me show you what your job is.

Liz! [snapping] Get out here and slay the runway, girl.

- [Liz chuckles] - [Tevin and Arthur gasp]

I know. I kind of love it.

I wanna marry it. Don't you, Artie?

I suppose in a Johnny Depp, Amber Heard sort of way.

There's just one thing, and I don't know if it matters.

I can't breathe.

You're not supposed to breathe. Heidi Klum only started breathing at 40.

- Do you think it wants something else? - [Tevin] It does.

It does, and I think you know what it wants.

Um... a bonnet?

A bonnet! Hello?

It's screaming for a bonnet. How do you not see that?

Unfortunately, I sold my last bonnet...

- To Mary Todd Lincoln. - ...this morning.

But let me see what I can do.

[chuckles] Love you.

- I love you more. - [Liz] No, really.

Besides John at Neiman's, you're my best friend.

I'm sorry. Isn't the point of fashion to help--

You're not in fashion anymore!

You're in sales, and we work on commission.

That overly medicated bag of money just spent 27 large.

Do you know what that buys me?

A one-way ticket to hell and enough ketamine to get you to Easter?

Exactly.

?

[? upbeat music playing]

[Bunny sighs]

[gasps]

- Oh, just the man I want to see. - Hey.

Oh, look at you.

- You told me to buy something pretty. - [chuckles]

- Oh. - Thanks again, Bunny.

Ah, anything for you.

Just like you would do anything for me.

Always.

[Bunny chuckles]

[laughing] What?

Funny conversation I just had with this guy.

Very handsome, very hot.

Come to think of it, he's kinda like a scary Mr. Clean.

Ohh.

Uh, anyway, he made a suggestion...

[laughing]

...that's gonna crack you up.

But, uh, it also might intrigue you.

[announcer] [over PA] We're sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

but the Donny Osmond shows for tonight and tomorrow

are completely sold out.

- [crowd murmuring] - No!

Oh.

Why, God? Why?

Is it because I slept on top of him for eight years?

I was just a kid!

- [Jerry sighs] - I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, Jerry.

Oh, me too.

I just-- with all the changes in the last year,

George dying, and moving out here,

getting the smaller bedroom-- it's not a big issue, but I'm aware of it.

I just... I really needed this.

Cheer me up. What was the funny thing

- you were gonna tell me? - Uh...

Never mind. Let's get outta here.

- Okay. - Jer,

some of us are gonna hit the buffet.

It's tapioca night.

We should head over before it gets a skin.

Okay.

I'll be right there.

You're welcome to join.

I'm good. Hang in there, buddy.

I'll see you at home.

See you.

[sighs]

[? smooth jazz music playing]

Oh. You're up late.

As are you.

Oh, I don't sleep.

Somewhere around 53, I turned into a bat.

What's your excuse?

Why sleep? That only gets me to tomorrow.

Oh.

Rough first day?

You tell me.

I was forced to sell a baby doll dress

to a woman with enough loose skin to make an actual baby.

Well, it was just your first day. You're still in fashion.

Fashion is about dressing women so they see what I see,

the beauty that's already there.

What I did today was grifting.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Arthur. - You were right.

- I'm not special. - Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

I meant it in a loving, motherly, get-a-fucking-job way.

Well, I got a fucking job, Mom.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to bed.

I need to keep my wits about me.

Tomorrow, they're gonna show me how to use the microwave.

Huzzah!

- [Bunny yawns] - Oh.

What are you doing up?

I don't really sleep.

Somewhere around 53, I turned into an owl.

I'm a bat.

You think I don't know that?

Arthur was just here.

He was so soft and gentle. It was terrifying.

I think I broke him.

You didn't break Arthur. You helped him get a job.

Yeah, a job that sucks the joy out of him.

Those are usually his favorite jobs.

But that would be wrong to say in front of you

because you're my mother. Please continue.

I just feel terrible.

He spent his day dressing women to look like fools,

telling them they look gorgeous.

Ugh, that's gonna kill him.

You're telling me.

With the old Arthur, I couldn't walk into a room

without him saying, [mimics Arthur] "Oh, try again, lady.

Animal prints don't even work on animals."

Why do you want that back?

[whining] I don't know, I just do.

?

[? upbeat jazz music playing]

- [Sal D'Amico] Morning! - Morning.

[screaming]

- What are you doing here? - I live here.

What are you doing here?

I spent the night with Jerry.

You spent the night with Jerry?

Oh, this is fantastic.

I thought so.

- So? - So, what?

So, where's my money? The deal was you sleep with Jerry,

I get my money back.

That was only if you facilitated. There was no facilitation.

Oh, there certainly was facilitation.

No, you went like this-- "deal is off."

No, I went like this-- "smooth sailing."

- Oh, good, you guys met. - Mm-hmm.

Sal works at the casino. We met at the buffet.

That I encouraged you to go to, right, Jerry?

- [Jerry] Mm... - Or were you going there anyway?

That's a leading question. Don't answer it,

best friend who might be getting a bigger bedroom.

Are you guys arguing about something? Can I help?

Ah, as a matter of fact, let me pose a hypothetical.

Suppose you lose a lot of money to some guy,

but you'll get all the money back if you pimp out your friend to that guy.

Then, the guy and the friend sleep together.

So, shouldn't you get all the money back?

But what if the pimp had nothing to do with the friend sleeping with the guy?

The guy hooked up with the friend on his, uh, charm alone.

Sans facilitation.

In the history of the world's oldest profession,

if the john gets what he wants, the pimp gets paid!

Wait, wait. Are you guys talking about me?

Am I the hooker, and you were gonna pimp me out?

Well, I...

Yes.

Oh. Okay, keep going.

I just don't like being confused.

Oh.

So, he owes me the money, right?

I hate being put in this position.

Not hooker. Judge.

But I gotta say, Sal, I think you do owe him something.

But that's not how it works.

Casinos can't give money back.

Then why'd you make that deal with me?

Look at him.

You think that walks into the Yucca Valley

Starlight Sands Casino and RV Campground every day?

[chuckles] I'm so flattered by this whole thing.

I feel like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal.

Indecent Proposal, that's it!

No shit.

Sally, you gotta do something.

How can I say no to that punim?

[sighs]

The only thing I got is a house seat to the Donny Osmond show tonight.

- Make it two and you got a deal. - Sold!

- Wait. - Oh, Bunny!

Bunny! [giggles]

We all win!

Oh, Sal, I don't know how to thank you.

I do.

Oh.

Stay. Hit.

Oh, he's gonna stay, and then he's gonna hit that.

?

[? upbeat jazzy music playing]

There's a new customer in dressing room two

who's about to drop 20 large on one look.

You and I are gonna fluff her like hungry PAs

on a Simi Valley porn shoot.

You know, if there were women in porn.

Good plan.

Alright, gorgeous, get out here and turn us straight.

Yaas!

- Oh, for God's sake! - I know!

I'm gagging.

Aren't you gagging, Artie?

Yes.

Tell me, I want an honest opinion.

Does this dress make you want to gag?

I know what you're doing.

You have no idea what I'm doing.

You're wearing a ridiculous outfit to provoke me

into telling you you're wearing a ridiculous outfit.

Okay, so you do know what I'm doing.

Wait, you two know each other?

What-- what is this? Are you even a real customer?

- She is not. - So, you've wasted two hours of my time

when I could have been selling this clown couture to Liz

to fill the empty void that is her life?

[Liz] You know these are only half doors, right?

I can hear everything.

- Said with love. - [Liz] Heard with love.

And as for you, senior discount...

I don't wanna ever see your face in my store again.

So, take your Discover card and shuffle off to Chico's.

Oh, no, you don't talk to this woman that way,

you basic ginger jackass!

Excuse me?

You will not talk to me that way.

I only hired you because I felt sorry for you.

- What did you say? - You heard me.

Listen to me, queen.

I can take a lot of indignities in this life,

but I never have and never will accept pity from anyone.

Okay, fine, I won't feel bad for you.

Good. Feel bad for the places I'm not,

because wherever I am, I bring years of experience,

taste, and expertise that cannot be taught.

Good for you, sweetheart.

You know, I'm not hating this neckline.

Well, no one spends this much on a toilet brush.

Now take this monstrosity off before someone hangs you

from the ceiling of a car wash.

- [door closes] - Liz, darling, come out.

- What do you think you're doing? - Watch.

Uh, sorry, my husband won't let me eat at home.

Take this nonsense off.

You need something to let your beautiful self shine through.

- You are enough. - [scoffs] No, she's not.

Liz, don't listen to him. You're not enough!

And don't worry, he won't be working here for much longer.

Then tell me where he's going, because from now on,

that's where I'm gonna be spending all my money.

And when I said he won't be working here, I mean here, by this pouf.

He will be working here, and occasionally here,

and sometimes here...

if that's what you'd like.

That's what I'd like.

[Arthur] Wonderful.

Go get that A-line from the sales rack and bring it here.

Think you can do that, Tevy? Can I call you that?

- No. - Well, I'm gonna.

Dress, sales rack. Ride like the wind, Tevy.

[? upbeat music playing]

I got you a little something to congratulate you

on being named top salesman of the day.

Aw.

I also got me a little something to congratulate me.

Which now, I think, should be a thank you gift.

Aw, look at us, always thinking of you.

[Sybil and Arthur] La Mer!

And we each splurged on the jumbo size.

What a show! I had multiple Orgasmonds.

And usually, men can't do that.

Bunny, didn't you think it was a great night?

I did. I literally left my body.

The concert, no words.

Some would say no music.

But the highlight of the night for me was getting my money back.

- You gambled? - [Bunny] No!

Donny tossed his sweaty headband into the crowd

and I caught it, sold it to a crazy fan

for a stupid amount of cash, even made a few bucks.

Worth every penny.

Because...

? I'm a little bit country ?

? I'm a little bit rock and roll ?

? I'm a little bit of Memphis and Nashville ?

? With a little bit of Motown in my soul ?

White people, am I right?

?

[? upbeat music playing]

?

[? music ends]

[voice] Let me talk to the boys.

[? fanfare playing]

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