Original subtitles

(ORCHESTRA WARMS UP, AUDIENCE CHATTERS)

- PA: All members of Pizzazz � beginners on stage.

- SOFTLY: Really drunk.

- PA: Standing by.

And... curtain.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- PA: Flight 2-4-6-0-1 to Wellington is now boarding at Gate Three.

Please proceed to the gate lounge.

Attention, passengers on Flight 2...

- Hello, pumpkin!

- Hi, Mum. I... - ...please proceed to the gate lounge.

- (SIGHS)

(DARK, FUNKY MUSIC BUILDS) - Aw yeah.

Welcome back from the Big Apple, Charlie.

From all of us here at Pizzazz � let's go.

# Everybody.

# Rock your body.

# Everybody. - # Everybody.

- # Rock your body right. - # Rock your body right.

- # Charlie's back, all right! - # Charlie's back, all right!

(BACKSTREET BOYS' 'EVERYBODY' INSTRUMENTAL)

- # Oh my God, he's back again.

- # Brothers, sisters, everybody, sing.

- BOTH: # Gonna bring the flavour, Show you how.

- BOTH: # Got a question for you, better answer now.

- # Is he original?

- ALL: # Yeah.

- # Is he the only one?

- # Yeah.

- # Is he sexual?

- # Yeah.

# Is he everything you need? You better rock your body now.

# Everybody.

# Yeah.

# Rock your body.

# Yeah.

# Everybody. - Ow. Sorry.

- # Rock your body right.

- # Rock your body right!

- # Charlie's back, all right! - What are you... Don't. Don't do the lift.

Don't do the lift! Don't... - # Everybody. - # Everybody!

- # Yeah. - # Rock your body!

- # Rock your body. - # Everybody!

- # Yeah. - # Everybody rock your body!

- # Everybody. - # Everybody!

- # Rock your body right. - # Rock your body!

# Everybody!

- # Charlie's back, all right! #

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025

- Well, I thought it was great. - Don't even like the Backstreet Boys.

- What? You had a poster of them on your wall.

- Mum, that was NSYNC.

- I thought you liked that Nick Carter guy.

- It was Justin Timberlake. And I didn't like him, I loved him.

- Yeah, that's right. Oh, I'm sorry.

Your mother's a monster.

- Mum, you're not� you're not a monster.

It was a lovely gesture. I just wasn't expecting it, that's all.

- No, it's just that everyone's so happy you're home, darling.

- We've been through this, Mum. I'm not home.

I just had to leave the country while they process my visa.

- Yeah, I know, I know, but it's the timing, isn't it?

I mean, you're doing a musical on Broadway,

and we're doing a brand-new musical at Pizzazz.

- It's crazy. - It's just so exciting.

I remember you as a little boy, pretending to be a cat, and...

now you're directing Cats on Broadway. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, come on, you gotta tell me everything.

What's Andrew Lloyd Webber like?

Is he small? Because he seems small.

- He's your average composer height.

- What about Sally Field? Is she nice?

Bet she smells nice.

- She's...

fabulous.

- You know, I prayed she wouldn't die.

- Mum, she was never gonna die. She broke her wrist.

- Yeah, well, that's why I sent her a card.

- Oh, does Tauranga not have 5G?

- (SCOFFS) Hm. We've got all the G's, darling.

- Well then, why are my emails not working?

- Well, we can get that sorted at Pizzazz.

- No!

You said we were going to your place! I just got off a 16-hour flight.

- Muffin, it's the auditions. You have to come.

I promised everyone you would.

- Mum, just stop!

I'm sorry. I�I don't know, it's... It's jet lag.

- Yeah. It's all right, darling. We'll go home.

- Is that a new coat? - Oh.

You know, I knew you'd notice. - (CHUCKLES)

- Guess how much. - $200?

- Oh, try half that. (LAUGHS) Tauranga.

- Tauranga.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(SEAGULL CROAKS)

- What do you think? - It's like it's just come out of the packet.

- Aw. (LAUGHS)

Ta-da.

- What's this? - This is your room.

- But I've never lived in this house.

- Well, I know, but I just... I recreated it.

- Oh.

Like I was murdered when I was 12. - (CHUCKLES)

Peanut... Now, this is the first original musical Pizzazz has ever done.

And even if you just pop your head in for five�

- I'd love to, Mum, truly, but I've got work.

- I won't say another word. Sealing lips right now.

- What? - (GASPS) Is it Sally Field? Is she dead?

- They've rejected my visa. - Who did?

- I dunno � the president? I need to call my manager. (LINE RINGS)

- Oh, you need to talk to Nicky. - PHONE: No service available. - Who's Nicky?

- She's my friend. She's� She's an expert at visa stuff.

- There are visa experts in Tauranga? - Yes, darling. It's not Masterton. Come on.

- OK.

(SEAGULLS CLAMOUR)

Mum? - Hm?

- No, why are we here? - To see Nicky.

- But� No, no, this is Pizzazz. - Yeah, she's the stage manager.

- No� (GRUMBLES)

Mum, please. Mum, I don't have time for this.

- Do you want to get this visa sorted or not?

Come on, tuppence.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ECHO; RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(ECHOES END)

- All I'm asking for is complete devotion � for you to give your body and soul over to your director.

(CHUCKLING)

Ah,

Madam President.

- (HUMS MUSICALLY) Hi.

- Charles. - Adrian.

- See that, everybody? - SOFTLY: Mum, come on.

- Famous Broadway director remembers me.

- Hi. (MURMURING)

Um, thank you for the welcome. It was unforgettable.

(APPLAUSE)

- Eyes on me!

Now, for some of you, this will be the most important day of your lives.

Let me give you a bit of advice...

don't bugger it up. (CACKLES)

- Mum, which one's Nicky?

- Um... - Gloria, do you have anything to add?

- Is she...? - Shh.

- I guess I wrote the Trojan Horse because I wanted to empower women to consider their�

- I was speaking musically.

- Oh, um...

Just have fun.

- It's not a kindergarten, Gloria.

Impress me.

(PIANO PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE)

- # We're off to war. We'll sail across the oceans.

- Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

- # We're off to war. We're off to fight the Trojans.

- Mum. - Mm-hm? - Is Nicky even here?

- Shush!

- I'm sorry. Can I start that again?

- # We're off to war. We've gathered the Achaeans.

- # We're off to war. We're crossing the Aegean. #

(PIANO FLOURISHES, ENDS TUNE)

- And next is Connor...

Onosa'i.

- Hm?

Yes, ma'am.

- Oh. Uh, have you had any professional training?

- I've got my electrical licence. - Oh, that's...

(PIANO PLAYS SOULFUL MUSIC)

Right.

- # Helen, my queen,

# you're looking fine.

# Let me be your prince.

# May you be mine. #

Oh, sorry... Sorry, I just really think that wiring is unsafe.

- Oh. - Could be a hazard.

Just so everyone knows.

- Yes.

(PIANO RESUMES JAUNTY TUNE)

- # We won't back down, cos there's a town we must destroy.

- # We won't be coming back...

- # ...until we've...

- # ...captured...

- # Trooo...

(ALL SING AT DIFFERENT PITCHES)

- # ...oooy. #

- Troy!

- Mia So'otaga?

- Is that Nicky? - Oh, yes.

- Sit down.

- I can't do this. I can't do this. Ezra, please. (WHIMPERS)

- Come on. You were born to play Helen of Troy.

- I know. That's what makes this so hard.

- WHISPERS: It's OK.

- Mia? Come on.

(PIANO PLAYS ROMANTIC MUSIC) - # I launched a thousand ships, but will I start a war?

# Cos it's me they're

# fighting

# for. #

(BELL RINGS RAPIDLY) - That's tea.

Thank Christ. - Hm.

- Ugh.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

- Hello, Peter. - Sorry?

- As in Peter Pan.

Are we going to see a little tap-tap dancing today?

Tap, tap.

- I don't really tap dance any more. But thank you for the memories. I'm just gonna...

- SOFTLY: Go, go, go.

- Excuse me, would you be able to sign this?

- Oh, no, I... Thanks, I'm good. - (SQUEALS) That was amazing.

- Oh � Nicky assures me that everything will be fine.

- That's not what I said. - But you are a visa expert?

- I'm a travel agent. - Yeah � who does visas.

She sorted mine for Rarotonga.

- You don't need a visa for Rarotonga. - Oh. See? Expert.

- I just need someone to look over why my visa was rejected.

I'm pretty sure it was a typo. And it says I can appeal, so...

- Well, I can have a look later. - Aw.

- No. No, I've got a flight to New York in two days.

- (CHUCKLES) You just had a visa rejected. It's not gonna be sorted in five minutes, love.

(PHONE ALARM CHIMES RAPIDLY) - Ah. Dance call! - Oh!

I am so happy you're home.

- Mm. (BREATHES RAPIDLY)

(EXHALES STEADILY)

(PIANO PLAYS RAGTIME TUNE) - Kick. Step. Kick.

Behind, side, front, tap. Behind, side, front, tap.

Gallop. Ball change. Gallop. Ball change.

And present, down, up, down, up, down, up...

WHISPERS: Where is she?

(PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING)

(BEEP!) - PHONE: No service available.

(WISTFUL, TWINKLING MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ECHO BRIEFLY)

(SOBBING)

- (YELPS) - Oh.

- SOBS: Sorry, um... Do you need the room?

Cos I can find somewhere else to cry. - No, no, no.

No, you cry away. I was just gonna get the Wi-Fi.

- (SOBS HYSTERICALLY)

- I might just...

- (WHIMPERS)

- Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Same folder from when...

There's tissues in the second drawer.

It's my mum's desk, so...

Are you all right? - I'm just...

I'm just feeling a little over.. (SNIFFLES) ...whelmed.

Cos I'm�

I'm a music teacher. I'm not a composer. And... (SNIFFLES)

those people out there auditioning, I just� I don't want them to feel bad.

- Feeling bad is a fundamental part of our job. - (SNIFFLES)

(THUMP!) - DISTANTLY: Gloria. - (GASPS)

- Gloria!

- (SOBS) - (CHUCKLES)

- I know who you are, by the way.

You've got great skin.

- Sorry?

- It's very fleshy.

I'm always attracted to gay men.

Shut up, Gloria!

(CLAPS RAPIDLY) - She's here.

Get on the piano, girl.

- Oh, sorry I'm late. - Darling.

- Open home. - Of course.

- Mwah. Mwah. - Mwah. Mwah. Over to you.

And you'll be auditioning for...?

- (CHUCKLES)

Helen...

of Troy.

(PIANO PLAYS SINGLE BRIGHT NOTE)

COOS: Paris, you little prince.

You look good enough to eat.

# My husband, Menelaus,

# has run away to Crete.

# I've been very lonely.

# But suddenly I see

# a terrific little Trojan

# standing right in front of me.

# Won't you be my

# Troy boy?

# Not some typical

# toy boy.

# I don't have an aversion to a Greek guy or a Persian.

# I just want someone to enjoy.

# So, will you be

# my Troy boy? #

What could possibly go wrong?

# Oh yeah. #

(PIANO FLOURISHES)

(PIANO FINISHES PLAYING)

- Fabulous. - (CHUCKLES)

- Jacqui James. - We need a drink.

- Ugh. Yes, please.

(KEYPAD BEEPS MUSICALLY)

You have a permanent dressing room? - Honestly, it's just easier.

- (LAUGHS)

(POP!)

Well, you still sound incredible.

- Please � you heard those scoops. - They were a character choice.

- BRITISH ACCENT: 'She still knows how to charm.' (GIGGLES)

To my Peter Pan.

- Mm. To my Wendy.

Faith, trust... - ...and pixie dust.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Oh, I hope you tell the producers you're allergic to cats.

- Can we not?

Sorry, I just...

I don't wanna talk about work right now, OK?

- Are you OK?

- Can I tell you a secret? - Of course.

- So I'm not actually working on Cats any more.

- Why not? What happened?

- You know how Sally Field broke her wrist?

- Yeah, she fell off one of the garbage cans during rehearsals.

- Well, yes, that's the company line, but there's a little bit more to it than that.

- Tell me everything.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES PLAYFULLY)

- Oh, sorry. Um...

Diane! Hi, hi.

SOFTLY: Sorry, it's my manager. Can you just...

No. Yeah. No, no, no, I'm listening. I was...

(HEARTBEATS THUMP RAPIDLY)

Well, c�

Could you just, maybe...

(RAPID THUMPING BUILDS)

(THUMPING STOPS ABRUPTLY)

Um...

I need to find Nicky, like, right now.

- What� What about Mia? She's got her great voice, and she's passionate.

- Yes, Mia would be a perfect Helen.

- But is she a goddess, Gloria?

Will thousands of men be prepared to die just to glimpse one look at her?

- Yes, I agree. She's not right.

- She belted a D. - (GASPS) Once-in-a-generation talent.

- This is a private convocation. Nobody can see what we're doing.

- What's going on, pork chop? - So sorry.

Um, I really need your help, Nicky. Like, right now.

- Get out!

- What did you think of Mia?

- Well, she belted a D, so...

- What are you asking him for? Get everyone, Gaye. I've made my decisions.

- OK.

- Please?

- Come with me.

(MILITARY DRUMMING MUSIC)

(RURU HOOTS)

- The role of Achilles,

leader of the Greek army, goes to...

Adam Whitford. - Hey!

- Paris, Prince of Troy �

in his first role at Pizzazz �

Connor Onosa'i. (APPLAUSE)

- Why doesn't it mention that you're directing Cats in the application?

- Well, that� that would be because I'm not currently directing Cats.

- That could be why you lost your O-1 visa.

You still got a manager, though? Diane... something.

- In a recent turn of events, I do not have a manager either. I...

I really need you to not tell Mum any of this.

- King Menelaus,

King Priam

and Odysseus �

Mikaere Dean. - Hey!

- Hecuba,

Queen of Troy,

and Ensemble Member Four...

President Gaye Summers!

- (WHOOPS)

- What do I need to do to get back?

- You're gonna need an immigration lawyer � an expensive one.

- In the role of

Helen of Troy,

goddess

and daughter of Zeus...

Jacqui James.

- Oh, she's gonna give us a sneak peek!

- MURMURS: Congratulations, darling. - (CHUCKLES)

- We end the musical

on the city parapets.

Helen looks out across the ocean

to her homeland.

- You have to prove that you hold a critical role

in an organisation that has a distinguished reputation in your field.

- This is Tauranga. How the hell am I meant to do that?

(ADRIAN SPEAKS DISTANTLY)

No. No!

- Your mum would appreciate it. She's done a lot for you.

- OK, no disrespect, but this is an amateur company. - The visa people don't know that.

They probably don't even know where New Zealand is.

- # When you set sail

# across the sea,

# you're heading home

# where you're meant to be.

- I can't.

- Well, then. I suggest you unpack.

- # But you can't control what danger awaits you.

# You don't like the odds, cos the gods, well, they hate you.

# So the weather turns.

# All your hope is gone.

# Do you turn back now

# or journey on?

# I'll go the long way home.

# The storm arrives. It's here to stay.

# The long way home.

# But at least I'm on my way.

# My fortune is falling,

# but home, it is calling.

# I know

# I'll go the long way home. - ENSEMBLE: # Ho-o-ome.

- # I don't know how long it takes,

# the long way home. - ENSEMBLE: # Ho-o-ome.

- # There's a chance the journey makes me tired and weary. - # Tired and weary.

- # Might be lonely and scary. - # Might be lonely and scary.

- # I know... - # I know...

- Charlie's gonna help with the show! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- # ...I'll go the long way hooome! - ENSEMBLE: # Hooome!

- ALL: # I'll go the long way home.

# I don't know how long it takes, the long way home.

# There's a chance the journey makes me tired and weary.

# Might be lonely and scary,

# I know.

- # I'll go the long way home. - ALL: # Long way home.

# Oh-eh-oh. Oh-eh-oh. Long way home.

# The long way home. #

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