Original subtitles

Yes.

OK, so there's two swaps here.

I could do both, I meant to, but technically your

genetic history and mine should be exactly the same.

Well, unless Dad did something dodgy and it turns out I'm a quarter Icelandic.

How could it be Dad?

What?

-Use your brain. -How could it be Dad?

Given that we know that Mum gave birth to both of us, how could it be Dad?

Hang on, hang on.

It's all going a bit quick.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Mum gave birth to us, right?

Right. Right, so if Dad had knocked up some

Icelandic slapper, how would that affect your DNA?

Oh, my God.

OK, no, all right, yes, fair point.

No, it's a fair point.

Look, I'm doing this because I'm

interested in knowing more about my background.

Brand-new mummy craze, is it?

God, please.

People are trying to eat.

Well, they were. We're through Covid. Everyone does this now.

Right, you do the other one.

No, thank you.

-Why not? -I don't want to.

-I'm not interested. -Just do it.

Fine.

Look, I need a wee.

So, I've got the tabbouleh salad.

-Yes, that's it. -Yeah. -Ooh!

Ooh!

-God, are you all right? -Yeah, yeah.

This bloody back spasm could just come out of fucking nowhere.

Ooh!

And the falafel hummus, please.

Yeah, yeah.

-I'm here. -Ooh! -Wow!

Oh!

Can you hurry up in there, please?

I'm desperate.

We are low.

Oh, well, can't blame a girl for trying.

There we go, done.

Thank you.

Sorry, excuse me.

Did you just use the gents' toilets?

Yeah.

But they're for men.

It's men only.

Oh.

Uh, sorry, what would you like me to do?

Go back, unflush and find some way to reinsert it?

Or how about you put it in some more fucking

ladies' toilets so the women don't have to queue?

The women's toilets are for women.

The men's toilets are for men.

I am a man.

What?

You heard? Oh, oh, sorry, I really didn't realise.

Yeah, you wouldn't want that all over Twitter, would you?

No, no, I really am.

-Yeah. -Really sorry. -It's OK, OK.

Fuck, I've got to do an urgent disciplinary.

I've no idea what any of that means.

We're firing someone.

Can I have the bill, please?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

My God, you will literally say anything to get what you want.

Yeah, well, if the world's gone mad, you might as well go mad with it.

-Yeah. -Oh!

What's up?

It's his bloody back spasms.

It's cos he got shitposted.

If you want to do something about that, it'll end up looking like a boomerang.

There we go, sir.

No, it's all right. My brother will pay.

?

That story you wrote last week on 1970 has won the Tory party.

Yeah.

It only got two likes.

Blimey, who was the second?

Fuck!

I told you nobody would be interested.

Oh, fuck it.

What's up?

It's my back.

You know, you should lie down on a hard floor.

I'll try that as soon as I get home.

Not now. I've just had word from a Jewish chef, a

Jeff, who's been invited on to a Saturday kitchen show.

Saturday kitchen?

I want you to get along that ASAP before

the Jewish Chronicle finds out about it.

?

?

Hey, Paul Green, Jewish Enquirer.

Ah, yes. I was just banging out my sous-vide.

Right, a bit early.

Well, I guess it's all wiped clean.

-I'll come back. -It's fine. -No, no.

Sous-vide.

It's French for vacuum cooking.

Sorry, you said sous and I forgot.

Doesn't matter.

Come on in. Thank you. Well, congratulations.

Very exciting.

It is.

Another small step to a Michelin star for the restaurant.

Yeah, what is that? Is that a big deal?

It's the highest accolade you can get.

Well, I mean cooking.

Oh, yeah? The highest accolade you can get in cooking.

That's right. Yeah, in the preparation of dinner.

Yeah.

Yeah. All right, I've got a few questions I've got to get through first.

OK, go ahead.

Where were you brought up?

Manchester.

-Manchester. -School?

Manchester Grammar.

What synagogue are you going to?

Norris Lee.

Norris Lee.

Any more successful brothers and sisters?

No.

No. Any children who go to Jewish schools or don't go to Jewish schools?

So, any children?

-Yeah. -Not of school age.

Not of school age.

OK, great.

-Well, I think... -Ooh, what's that?

Ooh, it's these packed spazzards I've been having.

You want to put a bag of frozen peas on that?

That's a very good idea.

What?

Well, the peas.

Yeah.

You said they might help.

Don't look at me.

I haven't got any.

But by implication...

Look, if I said put some camel dung on your

back, would you think I kept some in my kitchen?

No freezer here.

No freezer there.

All my meat is fresh.

Fish, fresh from the market.

Vegetables, especially vegetables.

-Fresh, fresh, fresh. -Ooh.

Look, do you want to do this some other time?

I've got the Jewish Chronicle coming in tomorrow.

-No. -Maybe we could double up.

No, no, no, it's fine. I'll soldier on.

So, this is the sous vide.

I seal the meat in a plastic bag, and it removes the air.

And then I put it in this water bath at exactly 68 degrees.

How long has that one been in?

Four hours.

Four hours?

-That's right. -Four hours?

OK.

Looks raw.

It looks raw.

But it's not.

We'll place it in a hot frying pan.

And sear it for 15 seconds on each side.

That is a lot of hassle for just one steak.

I mean, nobody is going to do this at home.

Why not?

And now, we torch it.

You're joking.

Last week, I cooked eight of these in the

House of the Parliament for the Labour front bench.

It's going to win them over in Bury South.

Yeah, well, they loved it.

It's nice.

Nice?

It's a nicely cooked ribeye.

It's perfection.

Yeah, but it's just a steak.

A few oven chips, bit of mustard.

We serve triple-cooked pommes frites.

Why not quadruple-cook them?

I could.

Or quintuple-cook them.

I mean, this is all very...

What's the word?

-It's not pretentious. -No, maybe it is.

Elitist.

Anyone can sous vide with a bit of practice.

No, no, they can't.

I mean, this is not very of the people, is it?

You're one of the people.

Try these.

Mmm.

-Yuck! -Salted grapes!

Salted grapes, I kid you not.

And they've invited me on to a cookery show.

Oh, what, the, er, Baldy Cockney and the Aussie Buffon?

No, that's MasterChef.

The fishiness of the fish reminds one of the open

sea, and the mint ice cream oozes minty creaminess.

No, that's MasterChef again.

You know they're anti-semites, right?

How come?

Well, everything with them's got to be served with this reduced jus.

No, it's a reduced jus.

A jus! Yeah, exactly. A jus, who then is, what, made to feel small?

A jus is a gravy.

That makes more sense.

Why don't they just say gravy?

Because if you say gravy, everyone's going to think bisto.

Right.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh, sous-viding lunch.

Fish fingers.

You cooked fish fingers in the dishwasher?

I'm bringing elitism to the people.

Ooh!

You all right? Yeah. It's these bloody back spasms I've been having.

Anything I can do to help? Think about getting one of those back trainers.

In person?

No, it's just, you know, a little something to improve posture.

Right.

Burn, you little fuckers.

How do they work?

Well, oddly, I think it's just this little box

that sits on your back between your shoulder

blades and then if you slouch, it sets off an alarm.

Like an electric shock?

No, it vibrates.

That's all?

That's it.

It's just a gentle reminder to sit up straight, green.

Well, you know, if you want me to, every

time you slouch, I can just shout slouch.

That'll do the same thing.

Right.

OK.

Ooh, look at that.

Yeah, sous vide of the people.

OK, let's get a little pic for the gram.

A little food porn.

Amateur food porn.

More HP than DP.

DP?

Oh, right, no, very good.

Slouch.

Right, well, lunch is served.

-Slouch. -Stop it.

Mm-hmm.

Tartar sauce?

-Mm-hmm. -Maybe a bit more HP.

You only pick a lily.

I'll bring all the sauces.

Yeah.

Just sending you over that article on the Samson guy.

OK, if I've got notes, I'll call.

All right, so, basically, you'll call?

Yeah, more than likely.

All right, well, I'm going to be out of action for the next couple of hours.

Oh, got to go.

Yes?

-What's happened? -Bad back.

It's excruciating.

Yeah, hashtag me too.

-Yeah, I know. -And we said, come on in.

OK.

Lower back.

Yeah, that's the one.

What have you taken?

Ibuprofen.

Oh, fuck!

Fucking hell!

It's quieter at the Royal Free.

Ow!

Short hamstrings.

Male family trait.

Yes, that and a low pain threshold.

Oh! Oh, I wonder if that genetic testing will show up anything.

I did pay extra to show up hereditary illnesses and mutations.

Oh, Dad, you know, I saw my GP this morning and she was

suggesting that swimming is very good for the core muscles.

Do you fancy coming?

-When? -Now?

Oh!

He hasn't got any core muscles to strengthen.

Yeah, maybe in home he's right.

I'm always right.

Me, me, me.

Yes.

Not allowed.

-What? -The mask.

They're all wearing goggles.

Goggles are fine.

Well, these are just big goggles.

It's dangerous.

-Why? -Can't tell if you're drowning.

Well, if I'm moving my arms and legs in a swimming motion, I'm fine.

If I'm face down and the bubbles have stopped, feel free to jump in.

Rules are, you have to wear goggles.

What the fuck?

You all right?

No, obviously not.

Bloody back spasms.

Which is why I'm trying to get some quick drowning in.

Just this once.

What is it now?

We've had some complaints from a couple of women.

What about?

They say you can see them under the water.

Well, I can.

They're wearing swimsuits.

They feel a little exposed.

Well, could you tell them to be a little less neurotic?

Heavy breathing from that snorkel's not helping.

Look, I'm not looking at anyone.

All right, yes, I am if they come into my field of vision, but

they could very easily be looking at me through their goggles.

With goggles, you have to come up for air.

You can't ogle with goggles.

You can if you take really deep breaths.

You see that lady over there in the pink cap?

Mm-hmm.

She says you've been following her.

Well, I have been following her.

We're in lanes.

She's ahead of me.

If you want me to follow anyone, I'll have to swim around in an S-shape.

Sorry.

I'm gonna have to leave.

Oh

-Notes? -No, no notes.

The bastards have pulled him from the show.

They've pulled him from the fucking show.

Get over there quick.

I want to know why.

Mmmmm.

Mmmmm.

-What? -What happened?

They said I couldn't take part.

Did they say why?

Because I won't work on Shabbat.

Didn't that occur to you?

I mean, clues in the name.

Saturday Kitchen Live.

I didn't know it had to be live.

What's with the socks?

Oh, just been swimming.

You know, I had one of those -foot-towel issues.

Oh, I remember those.

You think your foot's dry, but you can't fit it in the sock.

-Yeah. -I haven't done that in decades.

Why not?

Oh, I don't talk about it.

No, rather not.

Come on, you can tell me.

Promise it won't go any further.

Manchester Grammar.

They...

they made us swim naked.

-Naked? -What, like at school?

Stark bollock naked.

Google it.

Imagine.

40,-year-old boys.

All going through puberty.

Stark, young bollock naked.

Why?

We thought it was some -English-school thing.

Turns out it was just us.

Couldn't get away with that today.

I mean, that's child abuse now.

It was child abuse then.

Scarred me for life.

I haven't been in a pool since.

You should sue.

I really don't want to talk about it.

No, honestly, honestly, you should sue.

Class action.

Best forgotten.

I don't want to go there.

Okay.

Still, I mean, it's a shame about Saturday Kitchen.

I mean, can't you just make an exception?

No.

Cooking's not really work, is it?

I mean, I know it is because of your income,

but, I mean, it's not like working on an oil rig.

Do you know anything about Orthodox Judaism?

Or driving is work.

Well, it is if you're a bus driver.

Electricity's work.

Turning gas on is work.

Is it? Ripping up toilet paper is work.

Well, who decided that?

I don't know.

-The rabbis. -Which rabbis?

The rabbis who were alive when toilet paper was invented.

So in biblical times, nobody ripped up toilet paper?

They didn't have toilet paper.

So what do you do?

About what?

Going to the toilet.

We pre-rip.

You pre-rip, like on a Friday?

Yeah, before Shabbat.

What happens if you get the runs?

I make an allowance.

OK, well, look, if you pre-rip, why don't you pre-cook, yeah?

So you cook on a Friday, then you serve everything up live on a Saturday.

I'm not going on TV and serving dried-out salt beef and mushy bean stew.

Yeah, no, I get that.

It's a hell of a sacrifice, though.

Yeah.

Bye-bye, Michelin star.

What?

Leave it with me.

Really?

What are you going to do?

?

Oh, yes.

Hiya!

Ooh, something smells nice.

Roast lamb.

-What, for one? -No, I'm scheming.

Oh, you're scheming.

-Scheming. -How's Dad?

He's like this.

Ooh!

So, no change?

No, it's totally normal. Yeah. So, I've had

the DNA results back and it's not great news.

Fuck, Mum had an affair.

So, I'm 22% Eastern European, 21% Western European, 7%

Greco-Italian, and 50% vegetable or grain of uncertain origin.

Oh.

You didn't make me send off a DNA test

containing a swab you dipped into boule, did you?

I told you I didn't want to do it.

I'm down on record as being 50% vegetable.

You'd be a great choice into any questions, though.

Our family tree's got fucking aubergines on it.

Less who do you think you are, more what do you think you are.

Fine, all right, I'll do another one.

Yeah, you will.

Luckily, I've got another one with me.

Sit down.

What's that noise?

Oh, it's my back trainer.

Let me see.

What's that stuck on with?

-Just adhesive. -Hmm.

Right, lean back.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, you do it. Well, I don't trust you.

I'm having you stick that on my nose.

Well, did you say adhesive?

-Yeah. -Ooh. -Ooh.

Right, lean back.

Ooh.

?

?

?

Oh, Mr Tebbett.

Hi, yeah.

-Matt. -I'm a friend of Samson Stone.

Oh, nice guy.

-Great chef. -Such a shame.

I'm also a journalist with the Jewish Enquirer.

OK.

Massive.

It's the fourth largest UK Jewish publication in the UK.

Fourth.

I've also made you this.

I read it was your favourite.

Awesome. What have we got? So, Paul has made

classic roast lamb with a sweet potato mash and samphire.

Wow.

-Yeah. -OK. -Wrong show, though, right?

-Oh. -Nice thought, wrong show.

That's that cockney baldy one.

Aussie bouffant.

Yeah, yeah, those two.

Let me try this.

Looks like gravy.

Ooh, nice Jew.

Sorry, would you mind calling it a Jew rather than a Jew?

Oh, sorry, sorry.

-Than a Jew. -Jew. -Jew.

-Perfect, perfect. -Rather than a Jew.

-Nice, nice Jew. -That's perfect.

Oh, would you like to try a sous-vide fish finger?

Ah, from your pocket?

No.

-Really? -No. -Made them in a dishwasher.

Again, no.

That sounds horrendous.

So, look, Samson's unable to do the show because of

his religious beliefs, and I just don't think that's fair.

Well, I mean, the thing is we go out live on a Saturday, so...

But do you have to?

I mean, it kind of discriminates against Orthodox Jews.

Well, what about Strictly?

Well, what about it?

Well, can Orthodox Jews do Strictly come dancing?

Or Michael McIntyre's show?

No, I guess not.

So is the BBC.

The BBC's anti-Semitic.

Well, what about Anton Wexler?

Or that Dancing on Ice?

Well, and ITV.

And listen, we've had loads of Jewish people on our show.

It's never been a problem.

Rob Rinder, we've had Rachel Stevens.

Never been a problem.

But they're not Orthodox.

Well, how do you know? Well, did they rip their own toilet paper?

I have no idea.

Do you want me to ask the producers?

Well, yeah.

It's really odd. That's an odd request.

Really Orthodox Jews don't rip on the Sabbath.

OK, OK.

Either that, or the Jewish Enquirer is going to lead with

Saturday Kitchen is discriminating against Orthodox Jews.

I mean, that's Corbyn all over again.

Well, it's not really.

All right. Well, in that case, how would you like it if we

said that Mr Saturday Kitchen loves himself a Zinger Tower?

All right.

That's less good.

Yeah.

And you are the fourth biggest Jewish...

In the UK.

?

They're going to pre-record your episode.

Fuck your ass!

Baruch Hashem!

I'll give you the inside scoop, whatever.

Exclusive, only you.

And fuck the Jewish Chronicle!

And fuck the Jewish News!

Yes!

Yes to the Jewish era!

Thank you!

Anything you want, anything, just ask.

-Anything? -Anything at all.

Yes.

Okay.

Alright, now slowly.

You alright?

Yeah, slowly.

So how long's it been since you were in a pool?

Forty-two years.

What's that?

Most of the grandma maidens were naked.

Naked?

Just me, all the kids.

Were the teachers looking?

Oh yeah, they were looking.

Yeah, turn, turn.

-It's OK. -We've got goggles.

Hey, guys.

You got five minutes.

We just got here.

We paid full whack.

It's women only from 11.

Hiya.

-What's up? -Women only from 11.

Women only?

Why?

Privacy for those who don't want to reveal themselves for religious reasons.

Yeah?

Well, this is Finchley, not Saudi Arabia.

-Or Jerusalem. -Oh, you're so PC.

Those are the rules.

Well, and they don't mind you watching over them with

your glorious Australian biceps in that tiny little zinglet.

You noticed?

Oh, for a bottle of baby oil.

-Yeah? -Oh, yeah.

Maybe we could, um, come to an arrangement.

Please stop this.

Shut up. I'm really, really not allowed to let men in.

Sorry.

This is my sister, Pauline.

She's a they.

And my mum, Rosamund.

She's a she.

Used to be Paul, used to be Ronnie.

But what the fuck, not anymore.

Really?

I feel so much happier in my skin now.

Yeah, me too.

She's got a star on.

What, have you never seen The Greatest Showman?

When you were public, Paul, this would never happen at Hampstead.

What about you?

I'm not allowed to.

What, the brothers haven't got round to it yet?

The religion forbids it.

Come on, it's for Rosamund.

No, you can do what you like.

But for me, there's a higher judge.

-She's in pain. -There's a higher judge.

Bring back happy memories?

Oh no, that's done it.

That was crazy.

?

Yeah, it's good.

About time.

?

?

?

?

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?

?

let's go

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