Original subtitles

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You OK?

I just didn't want to miss my slot.

Hi, I'm Maya's mum.

Oh, Joshy's uncle.

Oh, Joshy Isaacs.

Yeah, that's the one. Is Naomi all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, she's fine.

She's got a date, first since March.

Oh, that's so nice.

Sweaty, I suspect.

Maya's story. Yeah, and writing's not really her forte.

Yeah, and the rest.

Y's and G's all above the line.

U's are a bit close, look more like A's.

D's, B's round the wrong way.

P's, Q's, not a comma, full stop, in sight.

No capital letter, then all capital letters.

It's a very good thing.

So, are you standing in as a favour?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting paid for it.

Seriously, 15 quid?

You're taking money for going to your nephew's parents' evening?

Yeah.

Where's your other half?

At home, watching the football.

Did you offer him any money?

He's Maya's dad.

There you go.

Lesson learned.

-Learned. -Learned? -Whatever.

You know they've been in there for 20 minutes.

What is there to talk about?

-The kid's eight. -Can he read?

-Yes. -Can he add up?

Yes. Is he kicking other kids in the gonads?

No.

Thank you very much. That's parents evening.

Two minutes, tops.

Oh, that's Miles' parents.

That's a very nice perfume.

I am married.

Well, I'm just saying you smell nice.

It's a compliment.

OK.

So what is it?

It'd be good to know.

I'd rather not say.

Why not?

Because it's personal.

It's a product.

It's not like you secrete it from some special gland.

If it was a washing powder, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?

-Yeah, but... -Yes, so?

This isn't personal.

I don't want you thinking of me when you're trying to bed some random woman.

Why on earth would I think of you?

I don't think of you in the slightest.

It's the perfume that is alluring, not you.

Alluring?

Alluring means it's a turn-on.

Yes, it is.

You are not.

By association, I am.

Come on, just tell me the name.

No.

So what did she say? Well, I don't know.

I haven't got in yet. They're running late.

-What? -Who the fuck's in there?

-I don't know. -Some kid called Miles.

Oh my God, it's the fucking Bernsteins.

Okay, right. Listen, you need to throw them out.

You need to literally barge in there, shout, time's up, and you throw them out.

Use force if necessary, otherwise you will be there for breakfast.

Yes, yes, yeah, I get it, I get it.

Now look, I know I said 15 quid for half an hour, but

honestly, this is turning into an hour, so I'm thinking 25?

Uh, no, it's a buyout.

Oi, can't put a mask on.

Piss off, you. What, you the mask police?

It's a buyout.

You get quoted 40 quid to lose, and that is what you pay, a buyout.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Think of me more as a black cab.

Are you saying you're on a fucking meter?

Yes, I'm stuck in a human traffic jam of overzealous parents.

Just go in there and remove the fucking Bernsteins.

Remove the fucking Bernsteins.

Remove the fucking Bernsteins.

Remove the fucking Bernsteins, fine.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Hey, uh, Paul Green, Joshy's uncle.

Hello again.

I'm next. I was waiting. He was on the phone.

Yeah, but you knew I was waiting.

You could have given me a hey, but.

Oh, yes, I can see here.

It's, um, Miles Bernstein, then Joshy Isaacs, then Maya.

There you go. And I tell you, if it wasn't for the

bloody Bernsteins, I'd have been in and out already.

Well, we won't be long.

Just wait outside, and we'll get through Maya's work as quickly as we can.

-What? -No. -What do you mean, no?

I mean, no, as in it's not fair.

This is my classroom.

Well, I take back the compliment.

Oh, fine by me.

It was creepy.

Oh.

All good?

Just writing a little note to Miles from the bloody Bernsteins.

Well, why stop there?

Why not commission a full 300-page report?

Let's go.

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Play BBC Radio 4.

BBC Radio Stoke now playing.

What the f...

Play BBC Radio 4.

Here's BBC Radio Stoke.

What the fuck's he saying?

Play BBC Radio 2.

Now playing BBC Radio Stoke.

Jesus

Christ!

Hi, so, just got back.

Josh's teacher said he's fine, you know, all very normal, no issues.

Normal?

What's normal?

Hang on, I made some notes.

Do you mind if I come in for a coffee?

Er, no, thanks for the drink.

It's, er, very nice.

Bye. Yeah, all right. Times table practice needed.

Spelling's fine.

Nothing to worry about, considering he's the shortest in the class.

Shortest?

What? You said shortest. Oh, sorry, wrote it down wrong.

Youngest. Erm, yes, I could really do with

the, er, you know, caffeine before we drive home.

Yeah, there's a Costa by the tube.

Look, did she say youngest or shortest?

Youngest, my mistake.

Wait, no strings attached.

One minute, Paul.

This isn't Manhattan, it's Finchley.

And I'm not starring in some written by a woman who's happy to

have kitchen floor sex with a stranger type wanky Hollywood TV show.

If that's what you're after, take a PCR test, get your engorged

penis off to Heathrow Airport, and hop on the next flight to New York.

OK.

So, do you think he's short for his age?

-Well, ish. -Oh, God.

I've got to make a real thing about it.

You will be if you keep going on about it.

I'm not going on about it.

I'm asking you for some advice.

Hang on, got another call coming in.

Sam.

Hi, Paul.

Hello. I've just read your article on kosher salami.

And?

It's not the best, I've read, but it's not the worst.

-Get it? -Sadly, sadly.

Worst meaning sausage in Yiddish.

Yes, yes. You know, sometimes I think

you think of the headline before the story.

So?

No, you do. Look, I've had a call from some Islamic Jewish relations group.

OK. They've come up with some radical idea, and I

said you talk to them first thing tomorrow morning, OK?

So I'll take you.

Give it a smell.

-Yeah? -Yeah, yeah. -All right, go on.

-Wow. -That is incredibly sexy.

Isn't it just?

And why wouldn't she tell you the name?

She was worried I'd be thinking about her

while someone's having sex with someone else.

That could be months.

Hmm.

She's a perfume possessive.

Yeah.

If you're a woman, I bet she'd tell you straight away.

She's a perfume possessive and discriminating against men.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna find out the name, we're gonna move forward from there.

We? What's all this we all of a sudden?

I have got a fantastic nose.

I bet there's an app.

An app?

Yeah, you know when you, like, hum the tune or you

whistle and you hum and it tells you the name of the song?

Great idea.

Small thing. Phones can't smell.

Come on, give me a bit.

No.

No. No. No.

No.

Who's been perfume possessive, by the way?

Just give me a little bit now.

-Rub it on here. -Little.

A little bit. Tiny. Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

Ready?

-That's what I get. -That's it.

Just not enough to go around.

?

-Ah, what's up? -I need your help.

Right, what's this smell?

Mm, shawarma.

No, under that, the perfume.

Try again.

Er, Joe Malone, English pear and freesia.

You sure?

-Yeah. -Sure as you're losing your hair.

I've got a shy forehead.

Anyway, how do you know?

Because I spent half my fucking life buying kids' shoes at fucking Brent Cross.

And popping into Joe Joe Malolo afterwards for a lengthy browse is my reward.

Why does it matter?

I just like it.

Ah!

That's OK.

Hm.

Who was wearing it?

-Hm? -Who was wearing it?

No-one.

It's on your fucking sweatshirt.

I am not at liberty to say.

Who was wearing it?

It's private.

Oh, I keep your pathetic little boy's secret.

You can do me a favour, actually.

I need some stuff from Budgins.

What? Why can't you do it? Because I'm working.

Well, I've got this meeting with a lobby group.

Afterwards?

All right, fine.

What do you want?

Oily fish.

-Oily fish? -Yeah, like a mackerel.

Mackerel.

All right, done.

Oh, er, eggs and broccoli.

Mackerel, eggs, broccoli.

Anything else?

Yes. Er, children's vitamin D supplement.

Children's calcium supplement.

Children's vitamin C supplement.

Is Joshie all right?

Yep.

What's with all the kids' supplements?

Hang on, this is about his height, isn't it?

You're going to give him a complex.

I wasn't the one who called him a short-arse.

What the...?

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-Mm. -Oh, that's lovely.

Thank you.

Right, so, tell me the thinking behind Islamijew.

Well, we know that British people all share

the same fundamental values, if you say so.

But many impressionable men and women on the left and right are

still mildly anti-Semitic, mildly Islamophobic, so we thought...

So, just on that, shouldn't it be Islamophobic and Judaismophobic?

No.

People aren't afraid of Jews.

They're not afraid of Muslims.

Obviously.

Obviously.

And, um, it's Is-lam, not Is-lam.

Islam.

Golly, right.

Muslims.

Homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, these

words are just poor expressions of prejudice.

But arachnophobia is literally the fear of spiders.

I mean, people aren't prejudiced against spiders.

So, if phobia is fear, then Islamophobia

is literally the fear of Islam.

Homophobic people do not wander around

thinking that RuPaul is scary.

No, I guess not very true.

Or Owen Jones.

So, Sam tells me you've got a radical new idea.

-We do. -Mm-hm.

So, here in the UK, the Weather Centre chooses names in advance and

alphabetically for any tropical storms or hurricanes that may hit the UK.

And these storm names are submitted by the general public.

Really?

Every day's a school day, eh?

So, imagine if the Weather Centre chose a Muslim name.

Right, right.

So you want to improve relations between

possibly racist sections of British society.

And to do that, you want the country to be

hit by a destructive, gale-force wind called...

Hurricane Ahmed.

It's short for Mohammed.

Which is one of the most popular names in the country.

And headlines such as Ahmed batters South Coast or

twins killed in buggy as Ahmed strikes doesn't bother you.

To be truly integrated with the rest of society, Ahmed must be

responsible for wreaking the same immense havoc as Ian or Olivia or Wits.

We mustn't shy away from a tropical storm shmoley.

We think your paper should champion the cause.

BBC Radio Stoke...

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

No.

Play BBC Radio 4 Fuckhead.

I couldn't find BBC Radio 4 Fuckhead in your Apple Music Library.

You can ask me to play a radio station

or ask for your music in a different app.

What do you think I've been fucking doing?

Play BBC Radio 4.

Now playing BBC Radio Stoke.

Hello.

Down here.

Oh, hey, Mark.

How are you doing? This is a coincidence.

Not really.

What are you stalking me? This is North West London.

-Fair enough. -So how are you?

How's your COVID been?

Not too bad. I was with my brother and we get along, so it could be worse.

-Yeah. -Is he, um...

I mean, is it genetic or...?

Yeah, he's fucking tiny.

Excuse me.

That's not two metres.

It's different for me.

You see, if you cough, the droplets start off high and come racing down.

Whereas if I cough, the virus has to climb all the way up

to your height, then the force of gravity pulls it back down.

Yeah. So they would curve and then fall short.

Yeah.

-Curve... -Curve. -..and fall short.

Curve, fall short.

It's two metres.

You're a dwarf or not.

OK.

I am four foot, exactly.

So two metres is, what, six feet?

-So... -That's it.

There's one of me.

Mark my head.

Thank you.

And, uh...

That is one and a half of me, two meters, so fuck you.

-k-krull

I just want to be alone.

Paul, can you give me a hand over here in the alcohol section?

Yeah, sure.

There's a Malbec on the top shelf.

Argentinian.

Recommended by Hell's in Sunset Kitchen.

Hell's? No, it's not relevant.

OK.

Here we go.

Ah, no, not this one.

I think it's got a black label.

Yeah, but that's a red wine from the same country and the same grape.

Well, apparently the soil is quite unique.

Oh, the soil, yes, of course.

I'm sure it's got a black label.

Red wine is red wine.

That kind of cheese and onion goes with anything.

You're a heathen.

Yeah, well, you, my friend, are a snob.

No.

No.

No.

Ah, there it is.

-See? -Black label.

Oh, yeah, and only eight quid more.

It's a better wine.

Oh, I can't reach it.

You're forcing me down to your level.

I am saving you from wine hype.

I'd do exactly the same thing if you were

trying to buy those overpriced grated mushrooms.

-Truffles? -I love truffles.

Truffles, I mean, honestly.

Food in one end, out the other.

Not too far to travel for me.

Oh, here we go.

I can reach this one.

Chili and merlot, and only eight quid.

Fine, twat.

Want to take a lift home from a twat?

Front seat?

-Car seat? -Then no.

Back seat, no car seat.

No.

This is more like it.

I'm still not entirely convinced this is legal, so

if you see a police car, you're going to have to duck.

No need.

HE LAUGHS So, Mark, what do you do?

What do you do, Mark?

I'm training to be a life coach.

That's a load of old bollocks.

Yep, just like writing crap stories for a paper no-one reads.

Fair enough.

I can give you a free taster session.

Go on, then.

OK.

When was the last time you felt positive about yourself?

Cool.

Right, now you're asking.

January, just before lockdown.

I was coming back from Miami, going through security,

you know, through the metal detector, and it didn't go off.

Wow.

And they have some strict security.

What did you sneak through?

Nothing.

Nothing? No. So why would the alarm go off?

Well, it didn't.

It didn't go off?

No.

Wait, let me get this right.

The happiest you remember being is when you didn't

get stopped for doing something perfectly normal

and legal for which you shouldn't have got stopped for.

Yeah, it doesn't sound great, does it?

No, it's not.

Although I feel better already.

Enough to go back and switch wines.

Don't push it.

You're ridiculous shopping.

Oh, thanks.

Why is he here?

Hi again. Well, you said that Joshy needs

some confidence building about his height.

Yes, because he's an inch or two below the norm.

What he is not is a foot or two below the norm.

Yeah, but Mark here is training to be a life coach.

I'm happy to have a quiet word with him.

OK.

Come in.

Joshy, come downstairs!

Joshy, come down!

Oh, by the way, the fucking Bernsteins,

apparently something happened to their note.

What note?

Well, Miles was a bit upset when he found a note in

his tray at school that said, we think you're an

idiot, we hate you, we want to put you up for adoption.

God, awful!

I mean, who could have done such a thing?

Nice work, bro.

Thanks, sis.

So, Joshy, it's not much fun being the shortest in class, is it?

No.

People used to laugh at me when I was your age.

They used to call me names.

And you know what?

They hurt.

They really hurt.

Did they hurt?

They really did.

I think we're all waiting for the positive, upbeat ending.

Well, Joshy, I've had years of therapy and I'm still not over it.

Sorry, are you kidding?

How is that a helpful story?

I thought you were supposed to emerge like a butterfly.

You know, stronger, more empowered.

But I didn't.

I thought you were a fucking life coach.

In training?

Okay, well, imagine you finished your training and

graduated with honours and now come up with something

that isn't going to depress the fucking daylights out of him.

So, Joshy, one of the fun things about small people

is that we get offered lots and lots of work in panto.

Oh, fuck my face.

Eat your dinner, Joshy.

Yeah, well, you won't grow up to be big and strong.

Oh, hiya.

Oh, thank you for this.

You're saving me an absolute fortune.

Well, anything to avoid the -for-kids nightmare.

Oh, yes.

I thought I could smell the whiff of a pair of Q-jumper.

Your brother got annoyed because I wouldn't tell him the name of my perfume.

Herrine Freesia, Janet Malone.

-Boom. -Joe Malone.

And who told you?

I did. It was on his sweater.

-What? -How did that happen?

She was being perfume-possessive.

Mm, I'm allowed.

How did her perfume end up on your sweatshirt?

She left her coat outside the classroom before she stole my place.

So you wiped your shirt on my coat?

It was just a little no harm done.

How would you like it if my husband wiped his underpants on your hoodie?

-What? -That's completely different.

Give me the clothes back.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no.

I will give them to Oxfam.

They'll end up in Gaza.

Better that than with a family of perverts.

Yeah, well, I am going to tell each and

every one of my friends about that perfume.

Oh, fuck you!

You useless fucking prat.

Now I'm going to have to buy them new.

That's going to set me back an absolute fortune.

I might have something that fits.

It's never done with you, is it?

No, it isn't.

That perfume, wow.

Does it for you too, eh?

Oh, yeah.

Pear and Freesia, Janice Malone.

Fuck, it's pricey.

Says the man who was willing to pay top dollar for overpriced soil wine.

Hey, get a load of this.

Play Radio 4.

Now playing BBC Radio Stoke.

That's nuts, isn't it?

Even my car doesn't listen to me.

Yes? Some lunatic just tried to knife a

policeman in an attempted terrorist attack.

Is he okay?

The victim's in an ambulance.

The cops tasered the guy.

Go to Jew Slam and get a comment.

Who?

Jew Slam.

Jew Slam!

Do you mean it's Lama Jew?

It's Lama Jew, Mohammed-y Moses, whatever.

Get along with it.

All right, sorry.

Quick detour, then I'll drop you off home afterwards.

Remind me to never get a lift with you ever again.

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Right, won't be long.

Yeah, take your time.

I've got a shit wine to keep me company.

Come.

Come, come, we're just working on it.

Islamajume, an interfaith association of Muslims

and Jews working together for peace and

understanding, North London branch, issued the following statement.

We are shocked, appalled and horrified at the

meaningless terror attack that took place this afternoon.

That's great, can we have that?

That was for a terror attack that took place in Sheffield last year.

So we were shocked, appalled and horrified then...

We are shocked, appalled, horrified and, um...

..saddened.

Saddened, good.

By the meaningless...

A bit of tautology, mainly meaningless.

Massively meaningless.

Good. Terror attack that took place this afternoon.

The majority of Jews and Muslims are...

Mus-Muslims.

Old habit.

Vast majority?

Overwhelming majority.

But what is that? Is that, like, 95%?

Less?

-80? -60?

I mean, where does vast end and overwhelming majority begin?

No idea.

Overwhelming.

Majority of Jews and Muslims are peaceful and condemn this act.

Heinous.

What?

Heinous act.

This heinous act?

Is heinous too strong?

Well, some lunatic just tried to stab a policeman.

Yeah, but if we use heinous here and the policeman

survives, then that leaves us nowhere to go next time.

-Oh, yeah, I get that. -Hmm. -Hmm.

What about if we say quite heinous?

A quite heinous act?

Then when there's another, we can call it heinous.

And still leave ourselves the option of really heinous for the one after.

-Hmm. -Great. -Well, whatever.

Just chop, chop. This is supposed to be an

exclusive, so we need to get it out before the others do.

And then just finish off with all the Abrahamic

faiths, our religion to tolerance, et cetera, and done.

-That's great. -Send it to me. -Hello?

-Yes. -It was a white supremacist.

Oh, right, so you don't need the quote.

Of course I need a fucking quote.

Ask them for a right-wing fascist quote.

So the attacker was a white supremacist.

Allahu Akbar.

Allahu Akbar.

Baruch Hashem.

Do you have anything for that?

I mean, how long is it going to take?

For white supremacist bastards, we have a standard press release.

You know, just be you.

You know, keep smiling.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

Bit of social distancing, please.

Oh, uh, one second.

My advice is to call social services.

Do you think so?

Yeah, they'll point you in the right direction.

Stop giving advice.

You are massively underqualified.

I need a slash.

You can use our garden.

Oh, thanks.

Hold that, will you?

Cheers.

Be quick.

Yeah, whatever.

Please, don't listen to a word he says.

So what's your problem?

It's complicated.

They said they hated him.

Apparently unadopted.

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Give me the wine, Miles.

L'chaim to the fucking Bernsteins.

Oh, that really is cheap.

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Heatis.

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Fucking Stoke.

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let's go.

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