Original subtitles

-Scissors? -Scissors.

Scissors.

Handle.

Oh, yeah.

Scissors.

-Son! -Son!

Boys!

So,

these courgettes have been boiled and are now

lukewarm, and I need you two to scoop out the middles.

So it's basically a stuffed cabbage?

Yeah, if you like.

Then why not make him a stuffed cabbage?

Because I want to impress him and his safari.

Cultural appropriation of an Ashkenazi dish.

What's safari?

Oh, it means your family come from Syria.

Like the people on the boat?

Oh, no, sweetheart.

So if your family were killed in

Eastern Europe, like us, then you're Ashkenazi.

Or as we say, clever Jews.

Dad, and if your family were killed in Syria, well, then you're Safaris.

And a long, long time ago, Safaris used to live in Spain.

And Turkey, and Egypt, and Morocco.

So they live on holiday.

Yes, exactly.

So they get lemons, and tomatoes, and sunshine.

And we got centuries of beetroot, and turnips, and ice.

You ever been to a Safari service?

No, never.

Loud wailing.

Less synagogue, more mosque.

Don't listen to your grandpa's prejudice.

They all marry their own cousins, you know?

I thought that was Persians.

Don't start.

Yeah.

You know they're children.

Hey, Dad, do you know that Whitney Houston song?

What one?

I want to dance with safari.

Queen, queen, find me safari to love.

Safari to watch over me.

Oh.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Sorry.

God, what?

How's the sauna comparison going?

They only arrived this morning.

Oh, get on it.

They're still in boxes.

Listen, how would you like to try your hand at film reviewing?

Well, wouldn't I need to know something about film first?

Have you seen The Godfather?

Yeah. Yeah, well, that seems to work for everyone else.

There's a film out next week with Ronnie Anne Kona.

Oh, it's very funny.

So what I'm thinking is you review it and I'll set up an interview.

Well, what am I supposed to ask her?

Just watch the film and come up with some fucking questions.

But tell her she looks stunning.

Well, what if she's aged badly?

There's no such thing as an aged badly actress.

They're all neurotic and stunning.

Are you?

Ooh.

Are you, um...

Mm-hmm.

I'm going to close my eyes for a bit.

Me too.

Pass me another one.

Well, there's only five left.

-Well, I get three. -But why?

I'm on rank.

What the fuck's going on?

Try one.

And?

It's a man thing.

What is?

It's just that they feel a little...

Well, you know.

No, what?

A woman.

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's not just that it feels like.

I mean, it also...

sounds like.

Oh, my God, this is my fucking dinner.

I'm meant to be eating this.

I don't want to be serving up my main

course thinking about you two getting hard ones.

Leave them alone.

Can I put the meat mix in?

No, you can't!

Get the fuck out of my kitchen!

Oh, God.

Pfft.

Long story.

Ice cube, ice cube.

Ghost.

Ice cubes.

Cheese.

Oh, yeah.

Movie in the afternoon.

Haven't done this since uni.

What's in the boxes?

Oh, it's a Jewish Enquirer, portable sauna, comparisons.

We've got infrared, steam.

Infrared?

-Who knew? -Can I have a go?

No. I'm not having you sweating in my saunas.

Thank you very much.

So, in one week, the newspaper's got you being a movie

reviewer, a sauna reviewer, and...kids' game reviewer.

No, no, no, this isn't for the newspaper.

It's double.

So, look, there's eight pictures on each card, and whenever two

cards you pick, there is always, always one matching, but only one.

Any two?

Yeah, try it.

Saduki.

Cactus.

Try again.

Er...

No, not on here.

Yes, there is. Mate, I'm looking at them.

Yes, there is. I'm telling you, there is not...

This doesn't happen.

There is not... There is not on here.

-There is not... -Yes, there is.

I'm telling you, there is. No, there is.

It is there.

I'm telling you, it's there.

I think...

Oh, it's a stop sign!

There you go.

Oh, my God, bloody stop sign.

It's finished, isn't it?

Yeah? So, so far, there are only eight carrots,

scissors, apples, clocks, turtles, seven

lightbulbs, dinosaurs and keys, and I can only find six snowmen.

And why do you care?

It's a kids' game.

-No. -No, it's not.

It's for adults and kids, and so far, Joshie

has no idea, none, that there are only six snowmen.

Right, you're scaring me now.

Why don't we get out of here, mate?

I'd like to do you with a giggle.

Let's go see Ronnie.

OK.

God, that one bloody laugh.

I don't think I'm ever going to laugh again.

What on earth am I supposed to say to that?

Comedy actress Ronnie Anne Conner is very believable as a

penniless, Glaswegian, heroin-addict grandmother suffering from dementia.

Why does anyone want to go and see a movie where the actress spends

half the time on the toilet and she doesn't even know she's on the toilet?

I mean, she had to rob a food bank.

A food bank to buy fish and chips.

No, no fish.

-No, you're right. -It was just chips.

And the bastard's charged her for the salt.

Can you imagine all those poor people stuck in housing estates on

Universal Credit thinking, I know, I am going to go and spend 15

quid to go and watch a movie about people's lives that are worse than ours?

But they don't want that.

They want big Hollywood blockbuster remakes with

live, blue-skinned superheroes with big breasts.

Yeah, at least they got the last bit.

You know it'll pay to go and watch that, don't you?

Bloody hamsterdites with their second homes in Cornwall and their

third in the Dordogne and no real sense of what actual poverty is.

-Sushi? -Yeah.

So what's it like in there?

Actually, it's very relaxing.

This infrared really works.

Yeah? Mm. I mean, if everyone in Glasgow had

one of these, they'd be a lot less miserable.

Maybe the Scottish National Party will start giving them out.

Yeah. Free saunas, that's one for Sturgeon.

Well, how was it?

Ugh, two hours of bloody misery.

You're not saying that.

Why not?

Well, how about this?

She's a star, and you're you.

Well, can't I just tell the truth?

No, you fucking can't.

Let's say you're interviewing Cochino for The

Godfather, and you say, oh, that was a bit shit.

Godfather 3, a bit shit would be a compliment.

Here we go again. You cannot have a Godfather without Duval.

Wait, I'm not saying it's as good as one or two, but it's totally fine.

It's not as bad as everyone says.

-It's not as bad. -No, no.

Michael hated Kate, hated her after that abortion

scene in 2, and then in 3, they're all playing nicey-nicey.

By the end of 2, Michael has killed his brother,

and then by 3, he's this kindly old businessman.

So you don't believe in redemption? The whole point is he redeems himself.

He tries to anyway.

It's a struggle.

-Come on. -People change.

-Not like that. -They don't.

Shut up. Paul, I need a rave, a fucking rave.

Four stars, absolute minimum.

Four stars.

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?

-Oh, hi. -Hi.

Oh, you look great.

Stunning.

Oh, thank you.

Amazing what a bit of makeup can do.

Yes.

Come in.

Do you got coffee?

Uh, no.

-No. -So, um, what's the commercial for?

Oh, Washing Up Liquid.

Washing Up Liquid.

Oh, well, riding on the heels of

Bridgerton and Downton Abbey, blah, blah, blah.

Ooh, Lady Stanmere, see how it glistens and shines.

Six fucking years on BBC One's top show and now I spend hours with my

hands in soapy water pretending I like children from the 19th century.

So, did you enjoy the film?

Uh, no.

No?

No. I found it incredibly depressing and miserable.

Well, depressing and miserable is what we were going for.

Certainly succeeded theirs.

Well done.

So, when you were offered the part in the film, were you the

director's first choice or did he have somebody else in mind?

Like who?

Miriam Margulies.

Next question.

Um...

-Oh, OK. -From your earlier career, what

character did you enjoy impersonating the most?

No.

No?

No.

So, when you made the transition from impersonations to proper

acting, are you impersonating an actor acting, or are you acting acting?

So, what's the difference?

Well, he could be impersonating, say, Miriam Margulies' acting.

OK, so, let's talk Michael Sheen as Blair, or Taron, or that bloke in

Bohemian Rhapsody as Freddie Mercury, or-his-name, who played Elton John.

BAFTA Oscar nominations galore.

What were they doing?

Acting.

Impersonating.

Olivia Colman as the Queen, Meryl Streep as Thatcher.

Bless!

-Sorry? -Two-hour impersonations.

Two hours versus a 30-second sketch.

Exactly what I did, only longer.

But can I get an audition for every fucking film Colman gets offered?

No.

Oh.

There are a number of scenes, some may say too

many, where you were shown going to the toilet.

Yes, that's right.

Was there an intimacy trainer for that?

An intimacy trainer?

-Yeah. -For doing a wee?

They were wees?

Yes.

They were very long.

Well, I was playing an older woman.

So it was more a method wee?

No, there was not an intimacy trainer, because I actually do go to the loo.

But they do use intimacy trainers for things like sex scenes, don't they?

Yeah, but that's because there's two people

involved and they need to feel comfortable.

So if you're doing a scene where you are pleasuring

yourself, by yourself, would you need an intimacy trainer for that?

Why don't you ask Marion Marvellous?

Miss Ancona?

-OK. -Here's an idea.

Do you want to, perhaps, just a thought, come up with some proper questions?

OK.

-Good idea. -Yeah.

-Yes, absolutely. -Go there.

Why don't you ask Miriam Margulies?

Good.

Oh my God.

meow

Wait

You see how they messed up my movie.

Oh.

Oh.

Good take.

Oh, money for an old rope.

OK, then, let's finish this.

OK, erm...

Right.

In the film, you play a woman who has absolutely no money.

Her family's got no money.

Totally skint.

Er, very much so.

It was just so awful.

So awful to see how people live.

Now, I imagine you got paid for the film.

Yeah, of course.

So I guess the question I'm asking is...

..how much?

How much was I paid?

Well, given that the whole point of the

film is to highlight poverty in the UK...

So I wasn't involved in the producing of the film?

No, no, no, no. But the BFI, who is funded by the

National Lottery, part-funded the film, and that's public money.

Yes.

So if we take the average UK wage of being, what, like 30 grand a year...

..was it more than that?

That's like me asking you, how much are you paid to write this?

270 quid.

Given that you are writing for the Jewish Enquirer, what about

asking me some Jewish relevant questions about my upbringing or something?

-Sure, sure. -OK.

OK, your upbringing, was it Jewish?

No. No? I mean, not orthodox, you know, but I'm a weird mix.

I'm mostly Italian Jewish.

Sephardi?

Yeah, sure.

Have you ever made stuffed courgettes?

Oh, yeah, loads of times.

We've just been making them at my sister's.

Oh, yes, my mum, she used to love making them.

She'd let anything with garlic or...

-Ooh. -Ooh? -Pomegranate paste.

Delicious.

Now, when you made them...

Yeah, yeah.

..and you're...

Yeah. ..you're scooping out the flesh with

your finger, does that remind you of anything?

Oh, my God, it's so sensual, isn't it?

Yeah, and the sound.

-The squishy sound. -Mm-hm.

It's such a squishy sound.

Do you mind if I call my sister?

No, go ahead, go ahead.

Have you stolen Joshy's fucking dobble?

Yeah, I've borrowed it.

I'll bring it back later.

Now, you know Ronnie Ancona, the A-lister?

Er, I know Ronnie Ancona.

I wouldn't call her an A-lister.

It's like J or K, and that's pushing it.

Well, here she is.

Oh, hello.

-Hi. -Hi!

Sorry my brother's a twat.

Not going to argue with that.

But, but, she's half Sephardi and agrees with

me that making stuffed gorgettes is sensual to...

-Ah! -It's just you.

Oh, no, no, no.

Hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on.

He's eight.

So?

But he's got nothing to compare it to.

Oh, what, you want him to try the real thing?

-You volunteering? -Oh, no!

I'm just saying it wouldn't work, cos the

whole experience would be wasted on it, wouldn't it?

Yeah, exactly.

Look, when I want a fucking female impersonator

to criticise my mothering skills, I'll ask for one.

OK, bye.

OK.

What put her in such a bad mood?

What bad mood?

Who?

Oh, fuck.

Where's my fucking sauna comparison review?

Yeah, I'm in the steam one now.

Look, I've just seen Kermode's review.

One star.

Derivative, poorly conceived, sub-Ken Loach.

Ken Loach, the Yankee Zionist, whose films are distributed in Israel.

He makes money out of them.

Jason Solomons calls it a snooze fest.

Half a star.

It's got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I don't care what it gets on Rotten Tomatoes or Ripe

Bananas or somewhere in the fucking Middle Broccoli.

Give me four stars, it's satisfying.

Taking out an ad in the paper, aren't they?

Yep, full page, four stars.

Right.

I burnt the fuckers!

I left them in too long and I burnt them!

Sure, they're not just caramelised.

Oh, my God.

Make another batch.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, that's a fucking great idea.

If only I'd fucking thought of that, then I could've won

the Nobel Prize for cooking fucking stuffed fucking vegetables.

All right, calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down!

Help!

I'm on my way.

Okay.

Fuck's sake.

Right, Eudlerac's in this, and I'll take over.

I'm going to set it up in the lounge.

?

Ooh, let me at him.

Me first!

No.

Oh, God.

-Oh. -Ow! -Yeah, he's still hot.

Key.

Clown.

Sunglasses.

You're cheating.

-No. -Yeah. -No.

No, I am not.

No. Do you know why? Because I figured it out.

And there, my friend, is a big difference.

Have you invited the whole of mankind?

No, obviously not.

And please, don't ask me to do any impressions.

Simon, how long are you going to be in my fucking toilet?

You've been there for four and a half minutes.

We've obviously met Naomi, this is Dad.

-Hi, OK. -Hello, hello.

-Ronnie. -Oh, Ronnie.

I can see your Ronnies.

That's original.

Oh, can you say that as Ronnie's home again?

Nothing like her.

Oh, man.

Worth a try.

You're all nuts.

I was saying, there's not one single swear word.

She definitely is more relaxed.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Now, hold this.

What's in this other pan?

Um, Syrian okra with tomatoes.

Ladies' fingers?

Yes, ladies' fingers.

Oh, my God.

Bring them all to me.

Not yet.

None of you dare touch another one.

-No. -Get me the fuck out of this thing.

Get yourself out.

I can't.

The fucking zip's stuck.

Oh, that's like your mother.

How do you feel?

Uh, yeah, the zip broke.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

Have you got a reference number for it?

-Yes. -Hang on. -Hang on.

Um...

Yeah, okay, it is capital N for November, little R for

Romeo, number five, little C for

courgette, little V for, um...

I got little C, then little something.

Yeah, yeah, one minute.

Hello?

Yes, one minute, one minute.

I'm just trying to think of a word

other than the word I'm actually thinking of.

God, little V.

Oh, vasectomy!

Vasectomy, yes.

So, big T for terrorist, J for...

PHONE RINGS Hello?

Pino.

The number eight.

Oh, God, hang on, I've got another call.

Yes?

There's another Star Wars spinoff film coming out.

Jesus Christ, another one?

Yeah, do you want to review it or not?

Not really. It's in Soho. I'll cover the tube.

No, I won't, I'll cover the bus.

Hello?

-Yes, I'm here. -I'm still here.

Right, well, then it's big A for arsehole.

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So are you that Jewish inquirer, schmuck, then?

Temporary critic.

Temporary, yes.

Critic, no.

Ever watched any Tarkovsky?

Who?

Lars von Trier, Money Rotten, Fatty Akin.

What, you're just making it up now.

Sally Potter.

Disney.

You knew that film was shit.

I had no choice.

They took out advertising.

You're meant to be objective.

Yes, you're supposed to be objective.

Objective.

Objective.

Objective. How can you sit there and say you're objective when

you're constantly taking photos of yourself with celebrities on Instagram?

Fair point.

-Thank you. -What about Kermode?

The film god?

What about him? Well, doesn't The Observer take advertising?

Mark Kermode has integrity.

He gave Mamma Mia 2 five stars.

He wept.

Well, lucky for you, you don't work for a

shitty Jewish publication that needs the money.

How long is this film, anyway?

-One, three, seven. -Oh, God.

And they said it was the last of the Jedis.

You're on form today, aren't you, Solomons?

Still, I guess we're all getting paid, yeah?

They're paying you?

For that?

-Yeah. -Paying?

250 quid.

250 quid?

250 quid for The Jewish Enquirer?

Well, yeah.

Try living on that.

What are you getting paid? No, I'm not talking about it.

Seems you've struck a nerve.

?

It's my turn again.

No, no, no, no, it's my turn.

Don't jump in. Ronnie! All right, don't get aggressive.

Come on, man, you were like this before. No, there's no need to be like this.

How am I aggressive? What is wrong with you? Stop it, stop it.

There's two more minutes.

-I need it more than you. -Fine.

Two minutes, then it's me.

Yeah, but it doesn't say two minutes, then you.

It just says two minutes. That doesn't prove anything.

Hang on a second.

Two minutes, then me.

What the fuck's that?

Yes?

-Oh! -Oh!

Uh, hi!

Hi! Um, your editor gave me your address.

I really need to speak to you.

We gave it four stars, so...

No, it's the commercial.

Look, I know we're not at the top of the reviewing

tree, but I'm not gonna review an ad for Fairy Liquid.

No, that, uh, dinner that Naomi was having, when is that?

Tonight.

Fuck, because from all that soapy water, turns

out I've developed an acute case of paronychia.

What?

No, it's an infection you get from having wet hands all the time.

Well, I wish you well.

It's my courgette finger.

You try some arak.

Oh, no, no, no.

You try, you try.

Oh, OK.

It's the flavor of the Middle East.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

I told you.

-Thank you. -Mm-hmm.

You know, Naomi, when I first came to this

country from Iran, I used to speak with an accent.

You came here from Iran?

Iran, yes.

I thought you came from Syria.

My great-grandmother was.

Anyway, when I first came, I used to say I'm popping to

the shops and everyone knew I wasn't from England, but now

I say I'm popping to the shops and everyone thinks I'm English.

OK.

-Okay. -Sorry, hang on.

Just one second.

Go away!

-No. -What?

No, don't eat them, don't.

They're delicious.

Are you okay?

-Fine. -You? -So everybody's okay?

Hey, I recognize you.

With the voices.

What?

Voices, you talk like other people.

I'm an actress.

No, no, no.

You talk like Margaret Thatcher.

What the fuck is going on?

I have a pussy finger.

Can you do Miss Piggy?

It's a pussy finger.

There's like an infection in the finger, so there's like pus.

Do Miss Piggy.

Oh, Miss Piggy.

-Miss Piggy. -Yeah, sure, why not?

Tell you what, why don't you do Kermit the little frog?

Kermit the frog, okay.

Hey!

Oh.

Serious actress.

Sorry, Marsha.

My mother said never trust an Ashkenazi cook.

Oh, yeah?

Well, fuck off back to your whaling then.

Ashkenazis? Well, you don't sound fucking English at all.

And it's pronounced Iran.

You're my kind of Sephardi.

Yeah, Sephardi, so good, D.

-What? -What's wrong with that?

That was just quite controversial.

Let's have some horrible Iranian booze.

And then maybe now we're friends.

I could do my Olivia Colman voice.

Oh, yes.

Well, you're lost.

Quite good.

Theatre accused of unconscious bias defines

unconscious bias as bias that is unconscious.

Hungarian president blames COVID on Cypher.

Godfather 4, 5, and 6 getting green light?

Sarah Silverman to play the original Torione in Gender Switch Franchise.

Fuck me.

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let's go.

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