Original subtitles

♪♪

Woman's voice: Wake up to your inner goddess.

The power of the feminine is always within you,

demanding you take control of your narrative

and break the iron shackles of the patriarchy.

Take it from me.

I'm a witch, a mentor, a healer,

a suburban shamaness, a spirit guide,

and an artist.

And an actress.

♪ I will say it again ♪

♪ 'Cause there's beauty in repetition ♪

Arianna: My God.

♪♪

♪ And there's a beautiful end ♪

♪ But my mind makes that decision ♪

♪♪

♪ And there's a girl in the mirror ♪

♪ And a womxn on my shoulder ♪

[ Blender whirring ]

Joe: I'm just giving you fair warning --

I will be telling Megan to step up her parenting tonight.

Patrick: Babe -- No, I'm not gonna be the quiet husband

on this anymore, okay? I'm not.

Babe, go easy. Her and Mark are...having tension,

and when you get passionate, things backfire.

It's like that time in Cabo when she started

calling you "Hurricane Joe." Who bought light tampons?

And when it's about her kids --

I said, which one of you bought light tampons?

I did. Good morning, sweetie!

I thought "light" sounded more comfortable.

Oh, my God. No one uses them.

They literally invented them

to make you hate yourself for having a normal flow.

How do you not realize this?

Yeesh. Okay, big girl.

I'll get you king-size next time.

I'm so over this man bullshit.

I'm suffocated by male energy. Are you?

Do you know what my existence is like being the only woman ever?

The toilet seat always up?

My boobs scratched and bleeding

'cause you don't wash my bras right

and it makes the wires poke out?

It's actually abusive.

Sounds to me like now would be a great time

for you to learn how to do your own laundry.

How 'bout it?

You're not listening. Which is also abusive.

I'm trying to say I'm drowning in maleness.

This is such interesting information to receive

from the human life we have raised without thanks

for 16 years.

Joe: Mm. And FYI, you're not the only woman in the house.

What about Harper?

Dogs aren't women. That's so sexist.

[ Scoffs] Okay, I think we can calm down with the s--

"Calm down"?! You know who else was told to calm down?

Rosa Parks, Hillary Clinton,

and Kesha, just to name a few.

I'm sorry my vagina is such a problem for you.

I swear, if you don't let me have a girls' night sleepover --

You can have a sleepover.

You just interrupted my threat.

I'm sorry. Finish your threat.

Now you don't deserve it.

♪ My girls don't trip, my girls keep winnin' ♪

♪ My girls just keep on ♪

♪ Gettin' braids to the floor ♪

Shut up! We need to stop debating and decide our theme,

or we will end up with a fiasco

like last year's Garden of Eden.

Under the Sea has the most decorating potential.

Eric: But we can't let Winter Formal look like a kids' party.

We'll Always Have Paris is sophisticated and -- and classy.

But I think if we do --

What if the slogan was "Get Eiffel Tower'd"?

[ Laughter ] Oh, dude, that's sick.

Can I finish a sentence, please? Yeah, obviously.

Do we really want to be dancing in a fake version of a city

known for snobs and bombings when we could be doing --

Eric: I'm just saying, we're gonna have these memories

for the rest of our lives.

Sorry. Go.

I -- But is Under the Sea really the experience

we as leaders want to give to our school?

[ Hip-hop music playing ]

Is there a word for wanting to kill

every man, boy, and male human being?

I don't know. Progressive?

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Cooper: Hey.

-Hey. -Oh, hey.

Peace to you. Peace to you.

And peace to you.

Arianna: You good, D? Your frequency right now --

Dash Alonzo! You've been summoned!

A very special girl wrote a message for you

but lost it in this pool of ping-pong balls.

Can you find it?

[ Plastic balls clattering ]

♪♪

"Winter Formal? Love, Malia."

What do you say?

Yes!

[ Applause ] Naomi: Yikes.

Everything's so embarrassing.

I just hate this girls-ask-guys thing.

I just wanna be the dance version of a pillow princess.

Delilah: What's a pillow princess?

Like when you're getting fucked and you just lay back

and let him do all the work.

'Cause if it was guys-ask-girls,

Cooper obviously would have asked me by now.

And it's so heteronormative.

Also, why should women bear the whole burden of courtship?

It was Eric Bass' idea. He really rammed it through.

I bet he thought he was being feminist.

I hate it when guys think they're being feminist.

This is my whole point. Men suck.

Like, it's an actual problem.

Teacher: Three branches of government in America --

legislative, executive, and judicial.

Girl one: Dude, I heard Panda Express Girl goes here.

Girl two: Actually? Who the fuck is it?

I don't know. Avery didn't know either,

but she said she heard it's someone at La Palma.

But I'm like, how could it not be that girl at Katella?

The one who fucked that Mexican dude,

but then he bailed when she stuck her finger in his butt?

What's "Panda Express Girl"?

Apparently, some high-school girl randomly had a baby --

Teacher: Alicia!

The Supreme Court can overturn unconstitutional laws,

and the Justices are...

At. Panda. Express.

...nominated by the president and confirmed by the Senate.

Even though we have three branches...

This is so bad. Do we tell her?

No, not without the full tea.

I think I should text Avery Kampfer right now.

Delilah: Hey!

-Hey, girl! -How's it going?

What were you talking about?

-Nothing. Sleepovaaahh. -Yeah.

Ready to do spells and cultivate power tonight?

Aww. Your purity. Don't worry.

We won't tamper in anything too dark.

We're just innocent, barely legal white witches.

[ Chuckles ]

How the fuck does white mean good?

The whole world's so fucked up.

♪♪

Have you low-key been, like, a witch this whole time?

So, I follow this one witch,

then suddenly, my whole feed was all witches,

but like, technically,

I guess I've always been a witch deep down.

This is just my coming out.

Okay, pick one that speaks to you.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Ooh, wow! Okay. No, that's you.

High Priestess. So spiritual.

Okay. Now...

♪♪

-Oh. Whoa. -Vibe!

Okay, so, this to me is like you're over men.

-Ooh. -You're a strong woman...

Yes.

...who wants to bond with other women. Yes!

And then also, you're, like, super intense or whatever.

Wait. What?

[ Knocking, door opens ] Dude!

Hey!

You're all wanted in the dining room for Frozé Friday.

Don't kill the messenger.

Naomi, your mom's here, by the way.

Mnh.

Megan: Well, there was the real hurricane,

and then there was the one we shared our very relaxing villa

with, which was you, mister.

Girls! Hi. Hi, hi.

I want you to settle something for us.

Oh, honey, I brought your retainer.

So, which one would you rather have --

overbearing parents who never leave you alone

or parents who err on the side

of staying out of their kids' private business?

Staying out of our private business?

A-ha! See?

Why would I involve myself in my son's love life

when he doesn't even want that?

I will never understand those parents

who just want to be their kids' best friend.

That's not a parent.

Joe: I'm not saying be Nathan's gal pal.

I'm saying -- and believe it or not,

I know a little bit about this --

that he's testing his mother's support of his sexuality.

Oh, please. You sound like my husband.

Hey. I'm the proof. I am the living proof.

Hey, girls?

Which of these would you rather have --

parents who are disapproving of who you are

or parents who accept you no matter what? Hypothetically.

I guess love you no matter what. Mm!

Look. Okay, okay, Joe.

I hear you. I do. I hear you.

Arianna, your parents, they're supportive of you, right?

You've never, say, wanted to get a belly button ring

and your parents told you you could

if you got straight A's,

and then when you did, they backed out?

Mom!

What? Honey. We're all just talking.

Well, safety is one thing. Identity is another.

Megan: Safety. Right. I'm learning so much tonight.

And, Patrick, these frozés are really so delicious.

Patrick: Thank you. Do tell --

when Nathan painted his nails

and you weren't too thrilled about it,

what type of concern was that? Also safety?

Patrick: You enjoying this, girls?

Megan: You know, your strategy here is just --

I cannot embrace things that...

are against how we think.

Well, isn't that...us?

What? No. No! Don't be silly.

You're Patrick and Joe. [ Chuckles ]

No, what I'm saying is --

Naomi: Oh, my God!

The darkness that had! Lighting sage immediately.

Please!

Can we just banish all parent and male energy forever?

Starting now?

Show us the way, witch.

♪ If I give you my time and give you my space ♪

♪ Know that that shit's not to waste, yo ♪

♪ Still better know your place, yo ♪

♪ I ain't slept good in days, yo ♪

♪ On job runnin' up peso ♪

♪ We smoke, too, why ain't you say so? ♪

♪ I'm back on my bullshit ♪

♪ You ain't seen no one like me ♪

♪ Since Lauryn Hill back in the '90s, bitch ♪

♪ Feeling myself, yeah, I might be, bitch ♪

♪ Got an old soul and you know that ♪ Ohh! No!

♪ Bet the olders make way for the '90s kid ♪

♪ Please don't kill my high ♪

♪ I been work nonstop, never tired, no ♪

♪ That girl is on fire, you know ♪

♪ I'm a parent in this ting, so I'm told ♪

Did you just hear that?

♪ Get back to you when I can, messages on read ♪

♪ Ain't new to this shit, I been blessed ♪

[ Gasps ]

[ Vibrating ]

How the fuck did that happen?

How the fuck did this turn on?

♪ Can't get my foot off your neck ♪

Aah! [ Screams ]

♪ Go get a bag and invest ♪

Ooh! Yes!

♪ Looking like a bulletproof vest ♪

Arianna: "We coven high.

@TheYorbaLindaWitch."

Bitch. Bitch.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Phone unlocks ]

You guys.

You guys!

[ Both groan ]

The Yorba Linda Witch followed me.

Other witches, too.

My influence!

Whoa. How many?

Like 10.

Wow.

Shit.

This is like a sign.

The witch community wants this coven to happen.

We sent it into the world, and it came back times three.

I don't know if this proves that.

And I think I started my period last night, so kill me.

Ugh! Same.

Wait. Same.

No! Are we synced?

Okay. That feels like a sign.

This is so witchy.

We have to do a spell, like, now.

What if we did a love spell for you and Cooper?

Oh, my God! Yes!

I mean, not that I need one, but just to be super safe.

That's a great idea.

Maybe Dominique the Yorba Linda Witch

can do it with us and teach us.

You guys.

We're a fuckin' coven.

[ All chanting "Cooper" ]

[ Dominique chanting "Cooper" on cellphone ]

Holy shit. I felt that.

Dominque: That was really potent work.

I have such an intuition about this young coven.

You're connected somehow.

So now we just wait for the wax?

We'll let that transfigure a few hours and then check back.

[ Sighs ] You three --

You really should take

one of my voice and movement classes.

[ Gasps ]

-Ohh! Oh, shit! -Oh, fuck!

What's happening? What's going on?

What's going on?

[ Girls screaming ]

[ Blowing ]

Um, so that pretty much

feels like the worst sign I can think of.

Did everyone come into the spell

with good and pure intentions?

So now what? Does Cooper fucking hate me now?!

Like, why the fuck did this happen?!

Is any ill will being harbored

or secrets being kept?

It's my fault!

I didn't come into it with pure intentions.

I'm in love with Cooper. [ Gasps ] What?!

We'll call you back.

I'm so sorry. I feel so, so, so, so bad.

I asked you like five times if you had feelings

for Cooper, and you said no!

I know! I know! I wasn't trying to be shady.

I just wanted you to be happy. I just care about you so much.

And I'm a horrible fucking person.

Please don't hate me. No, I could never hate you.

Just the whole reason I asked you about Cooper

is I didn't want to stop you if you liked him.

Because I care about you.

I really want you to date him. No, I want you to.

I could never, ever when you feel like this.

Plus, you, like, laid out the groundwork.

What we have here is way too important

to let a boy get in the way.

Especially one who doesn't shave his neck hairs.

[ Fingers snapping ]

Sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

Can we promise to be honest from here on out?

No matter what? Even the bad stuff.

We just tell each other?

What?

In the spirit of full honesty...

we do have tea.

A rumor did come to us concerning someone

people call "Panda Express Girl."

I guess people are operating under the belief

that a high-school girl gave birth in a Panda Express.

Wait. No. How? Did somebody --

I don't know, but don't freak out,

because according to Avery Kampfer,

everyone thinks it's this girl Kennedy from Katella.

So there's no reason to even be upset at all.

We just thought, as sisters --

Fuck my life! Everything is over.

-No, I -- -If kids at school know,

and then my parents are gonna know, and then --

No one knows. No one's gonna find out.

And even if your parents did find out, they're so cool.

No, I know! It's just --

It's just I don't want everything to change.

They'd feel so bad and be so worried.

And then, also, why didn't I fucking tell them before?

And then they'll also just see me as, like, that way,

and never not see me as that way.

I'm sorry. I'm feeling just, like -- Like, this is not good.

Like -- Like, we have to do something about this now.

Like, this just -- this just can't happen!

This can't get out! Can I say something? Can I say something?

I, um...

I actually do think the magic is real.

Like, I just do, but even if you don't --

No, I do. No, I know.

I just think, like, call it magic or prayer

or manifesting or whatever.

Just, like, we need to put it out there

to protect this secret.

Yes. Definitely. Please. How do we do that?

[ Bag crinkling ]

And in terms of where to, like, do the spell?

♪ You're the best of the best ♪

♪ You're the crème de la crème ♪

♪ And the more that you do, the better it gets ♪

You good?

I mean, this is weird. but good.

I'm glad we're doing this.

And thank you. I love you guys.

Not to be the most cheesin' bitch on the planet,

but just...

I love you both so hard and long and deep right now.

I know we're all, like, emotional

being back here or whatever,

but I never thought I'd want female friends again

after fourth grade when Lauren Silbey and Zoe Tassano

told everyone I had AIDS 'cause my dads were gay.

Ohh.

You know what we can't do but would be so epic?

Hmm? If we went to the dance,

just us three, as a coven, no boys.

I was literally just thinking that! We totally could!

Wait. Actually?

Actually! Definitely!

Oh, my God!

I'm so in love with you two right now!

Aah! I know!

Wow. Fuck boys.

Oh. Fuck boys. Oh, fuck boys.

Yeah! Fuck boys!

[ Music playing indistinctly over intercom ]

♪♪

You know that really pregnant girl at school?

I feel like I should reach out to her.

I just feel like she could probably use a friend.

I just know that she's about to go through a lot, you know?

Even just, like, your boobs getting bigger

or your fingers getting fatter,

and all the stuff you don't even think of.

Actually, can we go bra shopping after?

I need new ones. Yes.

My dads keep ruining mine.

♪♪

♪♪

You don't have to do this.

No, I know.

But I want to.

Arianna: I'll say it.

I feel bad for this rumor.

'Cause it's going straight into the freezer like Dominique said.

And not just any freezer.

My dads' garage freezer,

where it's gonna get fucking forgotten.

Sorry about it.

Okay, Delilah.

State your intent for this protection spell.

I just need this to work.

And so it shall be.

Hands.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Breathing deeply ]

Can we go shop for bras now?

No. Yeah.

Unh-unh. Mm-hmm.

This is all you, boo.

Mm.

[ Giggles ]

That guy looks like your dad, D.

Really? Yeah. Totally.

Your dad's hot as fuck, by the way, and your mom, too.

Yeah. I'd watch them do stuff.

Oh, God! Ew!

Have you ever walked in on them?

No! Stop! I hate this conversation.

'Cause I walked in on mine.

Twice. No!

Ugh!

What?

I just...

Never mind.

Wait, now you have to say it.

I was just, like, looking at this,

and I know it's just an ad, but it made me think.

There are -- and I can't believe I'm saying this -- throuples.

Like, they exist. There wouldn't be a word for it if they didn't.

And there was this amazing "Say Yes to the Dress" episode

with a throuple, and -- I don't know.

I was just, like, thinking about the Cooper thing.

Wait, what?

I know. It's so stupid.

No, what are you saying?

Wait, are you saying -- How would that even work?

Would we be dating each other?

No. We would just be, like...

dating the same guy.

I don't know. Like, alternate days?

I don't know. Is that, like, so Mormon?

Definitely.

Or we could go on three-way dates,

which kinda sounds really fun, honestly.

I know. It's like dating, but, like, with your best friend.

That's so funny. And amazing.

But, like, we can't do it, right?

Well, I mean, would he even be into that?

Well, he's straight, so it's like a fantasy come true, right?

Ooh, us going on three-person dates,

like, going to the movies together? Yes! I know!

And he could sit in the middle. Oh, my God!

What? What?

And we can ask him to Winter Formal together!

Ah! Yes! Wouldn't that be fun? That would be so cute!

Um...

I thought we -- we were going.

Oh. Right.

Hmm.

Oh, my God. Would you be mad?

Do you hate this? I mean, this is just, like,

kind of perfect and sisterly.

But if you hate this, we won't do it.

No.

I mean, you should do it.

Ooh. Really?

Okay.

Oh, my God. We have to ask him in, like, some crazy fun way.

Obviously. Maybe we should do something to his car.

No puns, though. No puns. No puns?

No puns.

[ Door opens ]

Patrick: Good night.

Uh-huh.

You know, could you maybe, just once,

say, like, an actual good night?

Like I'm an actual human being?

Sure, Dad, no problem.

Oh, my God. What?

Nothing. It's my fucking period and my cramps,

and you don't know anything about it.

Joe, get the Midol!

No, I don't want it.

Just leave me alone.

[ Sighs ] But thank you for the Midol.

No, she doesn't want it.

Can you please just leave me alone?

No. We actually can't. I'm sorry.

It's like a parent thing.

When you love your kid too much.

It's just a rule.

I really don't want to talk right now.

Please don't make me.

♪ Do you love us ♪

Okay.

♪♪

♪ I know she's jealous ♪

♪ I know she's jealous ♪

♪ I know she's jealous but do you miss us ♪

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

♪ Baby babe, still think about you ♪

♪ 'Cause I love you ♪

♪ I do ♪

♪ So baby let me know how you feel about it ♪

♪ 'Cause I love you ♪

♪ And I can touch you like I never touched you before ♪

♪ I promise baby ♪

♪ If you can promise me back that you'll come back to me ♪

♪ And then never leave again 'cause I love you ♪

♪ Do you love us, I know she's jealous ♪

♪ I know she's jealous ♪

♪ But do you love me still ♪

♪ Do you miss us ♪

♪ Do you miss us, yeah ♪

♪ Baby, do you miss me still ♪

♪ I know she's jealous ♪

♪ I know she's jealous but do you miss us ♪

Delilah: I can't believe us.

Sister wives for life, yo. [ Chuckles ]

Um...

What?

I'm gonna make sure there are enough on the other side.

Ooh. Can we get matching dresses or something?

Like, not the same, but, like, in the same palette?

Yes. I love it.

Okay. Yay.

Oh, he's coming. Arianna, start recording on your phone.

Mm. On your phone.

Okay, we --

Surprise! Surprise!

[ Chuckles ] Wow. What's -- What's all of this?

I don't know. Read the message.

Um...

"N + D."

Who's asking me? We both are.

And not just to the dance, unless you can't handle it.

Are you guys pranking me?

Uh, is -- this would be, like, a three-person thing?

Yeah, a throuple. [ Laughs ]

So, like, if we go to restaurants and stuff... And at movies...

...we can just all three sit at the same table. ...you can just sit in the middle

and, like, have the big popcorn. Wait, you haven't even said yes or no yet. So...

Uh...absolutely.

Aww, yay! Yes. Totally.

Can you take pictures now? Ooh, yeah.

Wait, stand in the middle. Yeah, like right here.

Are we cute? Does my hair look weird?

Yep. And nope. [ Camera shutter clicking ]

Okay, can we take some of just me and D?

Oh, yeah. Ooh, get on the car.

Yeah. Okay.

We're insane, and I love it. No. Go away. Go away.

Huh? Go away. We're taking photos.

Naomi: I feel like this is gonna be a whole new

golden age of our friendship.

I mean, for all of us.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Okay, goodbye. I'm leaving.

Okay!

Adios, bitch! Love you!

Ooh, do you guys wanna go get froyo?

Ugh! Cooper: Hell yeah.

Arianna Lewis-O'Farrell,

you may not like ze French theme,

but will you do me ze honor

and go as my date to We'll Always Have Par-ee? [Paris]

[ Voice breaking ] Seriously?

You were the one who made it girls-ask-guys.

What kind of messed-up guy thing

makes you think the girl you talk over every day in class

wants to get nasty and take couples pics with you?

I swear, every boy on this dying planet is a fucking parasite!

And every girl who puts a boy in front of her friends

is diseased.

♪♪

♪ I've been bleeding out the cheek, dripping on my seat ♪

♪ Wincing 'cause my muscles been defeated ♪

♪ I've been losing liters ♪

♪ Kitty left her gripper marks on me ♪

♪ Smelled a whiff of weed ♪

♪ Hungry as the niggas in the D ♪

♪ They be ready wheelin' ♪

♪ Posture of a pastor with his sheep ♪

♪ Planting hella seeds ♪

♪ No nomadic shepherd heard of me ♪

♪ Flowers hella sweet ♪

♪ County left me wading through them weeds ♪

♪ Growing underneath, swinging off a tree ♪

♪ Funny group of three ♪

♪ Wiser than a raptor with no teeth ♪

♪ Ain't it funny how it be? Funny how it be ♪

♪ Can't you feel the beat? ♪

♪ Bumping into me, baby, don't you leave ♪

♪ Rocking with your feet, claws ♪

♪ Lips, locked, tick-tock, tea ♪

♪ Where'd you leave them hair rolls? ♪

♪ Tint pose, ten toe treat ♪

♪ Rocking them stilettos ♪

♪ They be walking in stilettos ♪

♪ Scrapping in the metal ♪

♪ Rocking them stilettos ♪

♪ Run a dungeon ♪

♪ Sunken I might scream while lunging ♪

♪ Lungs thin, green limbs ♪

♪ Tearing up this new skin ♪