Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Scanner beeps ]

[ "Jingle Bells" plays ]

- Are those yours, - too?

W-What?

yours?

Are the scissors

Yeah, it's all mine.

- Unless you have - bigger scissors.

Bigger?

- For a-a cord-thing that might be - hard to cut through.

- What's the cord-thing - made of?

Never mind. What else

do you need for a baby?

- Um, I don't know. - Food?

- Shit, you're right. - Where do I get that?

No, she won't call her parents.

Get here now!

- [ Clattering ] - Fuck! Shit!

I don't care how cute

the guy at Lush is!

How old is the baby?

- It's, uh, - about to be born.

- 'Cause I don't think they start - eating this kind of food

Until they're,

you know, older.

Fuck me. Fuck!

Fuck me!

[ Breathing heavily ]

- Does it matter - what kind?

It's by age.

- And yeah, it matters because - you should be breastfeeding.

- Well, maybe she has clogged - milk ducts from a weak latch.

- It's not for me, - and she's not gonna breastfeed.

She doesn't even want

the baby. Jesus!

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

[ Breathing heavily ]

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

- If my friend had, - like, a major emergency

- And couldn't make it - to the sale today,

- Would you ever let her - have the sale price tomorrow?

No.

[ Scoffs ] Okay.

- Well, my friend is - about to give birth,

So thank you very much for

having such a big fucking heart.

[ Knocking ]

Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey!

- My friend - is in there!

- Well, you better - tell her to come out,

- Because that's - a handicapped restroom,

- And it needs - to be free for...

[ Girl groaning ]

- actual - handicapped people.

- You're not supposed to - say "handicapped"!

- It is so offensive! - That's not true.

- If there's - someone else in there,

- They'll both be escorted - down to the security office,

- And their parents - will be notified.

She's on her period!

Oh, my God!

- And she's - bleeding and puking,

And I went to get her

tampons and Aleve.

- And what if she is handicapped? - How do you know?

- Can you imagine - being handicapped

And having your period?

- Do you even know how - hard that would be?

I see Oreos.

- Excuse me, sir, - do you have a period?

- Because maybe you don't know - what you need.

I do know you don't need Oreos

for a menstrual situation,

but if you're in there

smoking joints, you might.

Can you please explain to me

what a "menstrual situation" is?

Exactly. So, can you please

just stop discriminating

- against women - and wheelchair people

- And let me - take care of my friend

And her bleeding vagina?

- Thank you very much. - [ Moaning ]

It's me.

- I think it's starting - to come out!

♪ ...open sleigh ♪

[ Cellphone swishes ]

♪ Heh, heh ♪

♪ Hey, a poppin' bitch ♪

Doctor: I'm getting squirted

on my scrubs.

We've got a squirter!

- Riley's mom: - Did you ask your dad

- To give you money - for Photo Club?

Uh-huh.

What did I just say?

- I don't know. - Something naggy.

- ♪ Like I said, - get it poppin', bitch ♪

♪ Now hands up ♪

I don't think

I'm doing it right.

Like this?

[ Funky music plays ]

- Woman: Yeah, - just like that.

- You like it? - Mm-hmm.

[ Moaning ]

- You're - a good teacher.

- [ Gasps ] - [ Moans ]

[ Both moaning ]

[ Ad playing ]

No, no, no, no.

- Man: Whips, chains, - and handcuffs.

[ Overlapping chatter,

[ ads chiming ]

Oh, shit.

Ugh! Fuck.

- Shit. - [ Emojis popping ]

Oh, my God.

♪ When I come through,

why you get uncomfortable? ♪

No, no, no, no, no.

♪ Get it poppin', bitch ♪

Ugh!

Fuck.

♪ You a poppin' bitch ♪

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God!

[ Sighs ]

[ Keyboard clicking ]

Oh.

[ Muffled scream ]

- Doctor: I'm getting squirted - on my scrubs!

We've got a squirter!

God. Oh, why?

You don't think

No! Stop! Ew.

it's cute?

- Are you home - for dinner?

- Yes, I am, but don't... - Don't make the beans.

- Okay. - And you know what?

- And wash my clothes if - you're gonna wear them.

Really. Or else I smell

[ Chuckles ]

like Old Spice and hormones.

I'm getting squirted

on my scrubs.

We've got a squirter!

♪ Only ever been

a poppin' bitch ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ A poppin' bitch ♪

- Nathan: Hey, can you - come here a sec?

- Naomi: No, I don't - want to catch pinkeye.

- I told you, it's not pinkeye. - I just got something in it.

I just want to show you that

I deleted the hickey pic.

♪♪

- Show me your - Recently Deleted.

♪ Hey, where my

poppin' bitches at? ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah ♪

Oh, my God.

Are you

male-model posing?

It was a joke.

- Okay, so the thing - about my eye...

Whatever.

Just tell me, did you

actually touch a dick?

- Yes. So... - Oh, my God.

Was it dick pic guy?

- Because did you notice - that guy

- Has a birthmark - near his dick,

- And the birthmark - looks like a tiny dick?

- Literally. - I am not even kidding.

It is a dick

[ Horn honking ]

next to a dick.

- Chill the fetch out! - We're coming!

- Doctor: I'm getting squirted - on my scrubs.

Who even likes these videos?

White people?

White people are

Patrick: Wow.

just so fucked up.

Today's Club Fair.

You should join BSU.

Oh, I didn't know that.

- Arianna, are you gonna - join any clubs?

Oh, Dad, let me just think

for a second.

No, I'm not.

- Well, in my day, - extracurriculars

- Were helpful - for college applications.

For me, it's about all the

causes I want to do, you know?

- I can't do all of them, though, - 'cause I'm in 11 clubs.

You need a time-turner.

[ Chuckles ]

- Yeah, uh, no, - you can't say that anymore.

- Patrick: You can't? - Delilah: No. You know.

- J.K. Rowling? - Transphobic.

- Plus the whole - queer-baiting thing.

- But, like, - how do I choose?

- You know, 'cause mental health - awareness is a big one for me,

- But Suicide Prevention - meets at the same time

- As Girls' League - and Animal Empathy Club,

So how am I supposed to pick

between feminism, animal rights,

- and stopping kids - from killing themselves?

- How... How did she - queer-bait, by the way?

- Oh, by saying - after the fact that

Dumbledore and

Ugh.

Grindelwald are gay.

- But not, like, - having-sex gay, right?

'Cause that's nasty.

- Patrick: - I hate teenagers.

Oh, come on!

- Who wants to see - an old man

- Choking on another - old man's dick?

Okay, Delilah, is there

any sort of LGBT club?

♪ A poppin' bitch,

eh, eh ♪

♪ Be a poppin' bitch ♪

♪ Ey, ey, baby,

I'm a poppin' bitch ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh,

a poppin' bitch ♪

♪ Play some Baby in the club,

get it poppin', bitch ♪

- Did you know - the owner of Segway died

When he accidentally drove

a Segway off a cliff?

Hmm. I did not

know that, no.

- Hi! - Hi.

- Where are we - with the rooftopping?

Look, I... Oh, my God.

See, and you know

I'm all about the truth,

- so maybe we move on, - okay?

Sam: I don't feel like

moving on just yet.

- You wanna know - why I do it?

- We can start there, - yeah.

To feel alive.

- What do you do - to feel alive?

Drugs.

- Which is my name for watching - "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"

Twice last week.

- For the Taye Diggs - shower scene?

I just like the movie.

Hmm.

- That's pretty - embarrassing.

- Thank you. - Nice swim cap.

Thanks.

- It's a water polo - Club Fair thing.

- You should come see me - play sometime.

- You belong to any - other clubs?

Oh. Okay.

So, like,

"be a joiner"?

Or like, "If he's busy,

he won't rooftop."

- What about the GSA? - First of all,

- The woman who runs it - is so cringe,

- She literally drove - all the gay kids away.

I'm not kidding.

Also, the whole GSA thing

is so '90s and so... binary,

and, like, do we really

need another bake sale

to benefit sad gay people

in Chechnya?

I told you,

she's a bitch.

My family's actually

from Chechnya.

Black Russians exist.

I wasn't...

- [ Chuckling ] Yeah, - my family's from Irvine.

I'm just messing with you.

Oh. Your face.

Black Russians exist?

[ Laughs ] God damn.

Close your mouth.

You know, I would be more open

to joining the GSA

if there were

a new faculty advisor.

They would have to

be queer, of course,

but the only other

out teacher is Mr. Lee,

and his nipple ring

shows through his polos,

so that really

wouldn't work.

Also, I saw him

yell at a dog once.

But, um...

what about you?

Chester: Free Hug Club!

Now only hugging with

radical consent!

- Girl: Delilah! - Oh, be right there!

- Just going to Dolls with Balls - and Planeteers!

Come join our shirtless

gay massage club!

Dude.

Fine, do Film Club.

Be pretentious.

- And don't expect to come out - of there and be dateable!

Jack, you gotta go

to the next level!

Oh,

I'm not doing that!

But you have to.

I just snapped you.

- Come on. - They're gonna run out.

Okay.

- Hold on. - I gotta snap her back.

- It's a - two-year streak.

- Also, I need to be - on her good side

- So she's not mad - when I tell her about Jack.

- Dude, she's gonna be mad - about him no matter what.

- Ooh! - Animal Rights Club.

I love animals.

Save the animals!

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

"I prefer circumcised

to uncircumcised."

Strongly agree.

Doesn't uncircumcised

mean dick cheese?

[ Groans ]

Also, isn't everyone

circumcised now?

- Here, - but not in France.

There, it's all about

stinky cheese.

I cannot! Ew.

I have a good feeling

about Jack's.

Seriously, I feel slut energy

radiating from you.

Oh! Really?

- You're like - a slut phoenix

Rising from the ashes

of being a virgin.

- [ Bell dings ] - Oh, fuck.

- What? - I have to go to

The gay club,

- or my dads will - cut off my finances.

[ Sighs ] Boo.

I want you limping

the next time I see you.

- Okay! - Bye, bitch!

[ "Born This Way" plays ]

♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪

♪ I was born this way ♪

[ Laughs ]

- Come on in! - Wave your freak flag!

Or just be an ally

to a Freak Flagger!

- Did she just say - "fagger?"

Maybe?

- ♪ Ooh, there - ain't no other way ♪

♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪

♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪

Don't be a drag.

Be a queen.

♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪

♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪

Good to see you here.

Good to see you here.

But, ooh, baby girl,

you need people.

It looks like Prom

at conversion camp.

- Ooh. Can we go to - Theater Club next?

- I like how Sophie - Deichman-Alperstein...

[ Cellphone chimes ]

is dressing

Yes.

kinda slutty now.

- This was totally worth - the creep factor.

- Riley: Chester says come to - GSA for chocolate.

Did he say me too?

- Come on. Come on. - Thank you.

- Yes, thank you, - and praise the Elders!

- Why are Mormons - always so hot?

- [ Gasps ] Wait. - The Jew meeting.

- We have to go. - I love their food.

- Like... Like, - the kanishey thingies.

- Mm. - Oh, my God.

- It is Sophie - Deichman-Alperstein,

And she is wearing

knee-high socks.

[ Muffled ] Oh, my God.

You are puberty.

- Come on. - Let's go to the GSA.

- Right now. - Okay.

Come on.

- H-Hi. - Hey, Jack.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

- I'm gonna go - over there.

- Dude, you're not - texting me back.

Yeah, sorry, my phone's been,

like, super weird.

- Yeah, I kinda feel bad - about Naomi.

- Yeah. Y-Y-You don't - mean like...

Like, "say something to her"

feel bad, right?

- 'Cause, like, I had - the same thing of, like,

- You know, - maybe I should tell her,

- But then I was like... - Wait, wait, wait.

- So, you were - gonna tell her?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Um... Are... Are...

Are you?

Young man: Jack!

I gotta go.

Stop. Stop.

[ Groans ]

He won't say anything.

- Come on. - Let's go stress-eat chocolate.

- Okay. Let's go. - That's what we need.

- Riley: That's what we need. - Come on, horsey!

[ Grunts, laughs ]

Come on, horsey!

Whoo! Go!

Show time, people!

- You coming in? - Come on!

Oh, come on.

Join us!

There we go.

It's a packed house.

- Oh, come on. Coming in doesn't - mean coming out, you know.

- ♪ Ooh, there ain't - no other way ♪

♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪

Just grab a seat

wherever you're...

[ Button clicks, music stops ]

Okay. So!

Maybe we can all introduce

ourselves with a fun fact.

Ooh, can I start?

I'm Arianna, and my fun fact is

my parents are gay.

- Hey, wow. - That's very special.

Yeah, um, they freaked out

- over a couple of jokes I made - this morning

- And said - if I didn't come,

- They'd stop - paying for my phone.

Oh.

And then I recently learned

that they're thinking of

bringing a third

into their relationship.

- They read my texts, - so I was like,

- "Let me return - the favor."

- Apparently, - when you're gay,

Your slut phase lasts

even after you get married.

Okay! Okay!

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's... Let's try

something besides fun facts.

How about, uh,

astrological signs?

Like... I'm Sam. I'm a Virgo.

- Some people say that - it's the snobbiest sign,

But obviously,

those people have bad taste.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

Oh! I get it now.

Thank you.

Hi! Uh, I'm Chester.

I'm a Scorpio.

Uh... if you hurt me,

I'll pretend to be unbothered

and then

literally kill you.

- Who wants - to be friends?

[ Alarm blares ]

Woman over P.A.:

may I have your attention?

Teachers and students,

The school is in lockdown.

Shit on my dick!

Everyone stay calm!

- Okay, please, I'm begging you, - just remain calm!

Sam: Someone grab the blinds.

- I'm gonna give you a notebook - to write your name in.

Pass it along.

- Oh. Okay. Come on. - Come on. Come on.

- Okay, I'm sure they'll tell us - soon if this is a drill.

- Let's take this seriously, - everyone, but not panic.

Please don't panic!

Yeah, don't panic.

There are a ton more

panic-worthy things

happening in the world,

like 150 animals

go extinct every day,

and every 0.3 seconds,

someone dies of starvation.

These are good things

to panic about.

Pan-ic. Health-i-ly.

Peo-ple.

- Chester. - Come on. Sit down.

Listen, the bad news is,

this sucks.

The good news is,

you're locked in a room

with a licensed counselor.

- Well, some of you might - consider that bad news.

In any case, there's a spot

here next to me

if anyone wants to

talk about anything.

Or not.

[ Bag thuds ]

[ Cellphones swish, chime ]

A woman sunbathing

was fatally stabbed

when the wind blew a beach

umbrella into her chest.

A man in Iceland fell

into an active volcano

while taking a selfie.

Yeah.

[ Speaking native language ]

Greta: Ana, it's okay.

- It's probably - just a drill.

Ana: Should I come

No, you...

to get you?

They won't let you

come to the school.

I know you're worried.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

I love you a lot, too.

[ Crying ]

I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out.

[ Crying stops ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Crying ]

I'm freaking...

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Crying ]

- Oh, my God. I think - there's a shooter outside.

Like, I think they're

gonna come in.

I'm too young to die.

[ Sobbing ]

I'm freaking out!

Uh, Arianna?

[ Cellphone chimes, swishes ]

Arianna.

Oh, no, I'm good.

I'm just having fun

with my dads.

Okay.

Hey, listen, i-it's okay

if you're scared.

Yeah, I-I-I wouldn't mind just

acknowledging, by the way,

how... how seriously crazy

our world is right now.

I'm sorry, I just... just think

it's helpful to voice that

every once in awhile, and...

And I'm still here

to talk if anyone wants.

[ Students whispering ]

- I mean, - the one thing is,

- We're pretty used to - stuff like this.

Also, why freak out

when we're all gonna be dead

by 2050 anyway, right?

What?

Why does anyone care

about joining a club

to fix a world that's literally

gonna be uninhabitable?

Are you for real

No.

right now?

- 'Cause you know - this is something

- I'd want to talk about. - I know.

- You call your grandma? - No.

- She's at work - and not really a texter,

- And so if I call her, - she'll see it's me

And have a heart attack.

That would suck, so...

- When I called to - get your phone number

- 'cause of the really - alarming picture you sent

- On the edge of a roof, - she was like,

- "Yeah, I'll give you his number, - but if you're lying and turn out

To be some creepy stalker,

I love her.

I'll find you and kill you."

- Riley: My mom says - Next Door Neighbor is saying

- There's some sort of - suspicious activity nearby.

Is that, like, "shooter on

the loose" suspicious activity?

Or like, the time it was

just some homeless guy

- wandering around - with a stick

- And it took them four hours - to figure it out?

I was so hungry

It was actually

during that one.

five hours,

and I only know that

'cause I got through almost

- half of the first season - of "Friends."

- You know, - some sophomore in Orange

- Literally became TikTok famous - during a lockdown?

I don't know. She says there's

like 400,000 police cars.

- [ Loud pop ] - [ Students gasp ]

Sorry, guys.

♪ Ain't nobody better than me ♪

- ♪ Got the nourishment you need, - vitamin P ♪

♪ P for pussy, P for power,

P for pride and prestige ♪

- ♪ P for poppin', P for price, - P for packin' them things ♪

♪ I mean, what could be

better than me? ♪

- ♪ Burger B serving your needs, - vitamin P ♪

Chester: Uh... I mean,

Paris runway is up at the top,

- and honestly, I can't - even decide if I'd rather

Walk in a show or just be, like,

- a coldhearted bitch - in the front row

- With, like, - the bug-eyed sunglasses.

- You know what I'm talking about? - [ Chuckles ]

Um... summering in Sweden

with some daddy

named Lars, obviously.

Also getting over my

fear of death would be nice.

That one's...

more long-term, maybe,

and hard to do when, like, the

whole point of a Fuck-It List

- is to think about things you - want to do before you die,

Which only reinforces

your fear of death.

I want to do the ten-pound

burger challenge

- and the Rainbow Milk - challenge.

- I want to go to - some small village

- Where no one - speaks English

And I can't understand

what anyone is saying,

and I just sit in a café

I love that.

and, like, listen.

I want to punch someone

in the face for no reason,

but, like,

really, really hard.

- I-I definitely - want to skydive.

- Oh, and I want to spend the - night in "It's a Small World."

- Yes. I want to - do that so bad.

Ugh. That song.

- Really? - It always made me cry.

I don't know. Just, like,

everyone's happy

- and connected in - their little, racist groups.

Yeah, no, I mean,

I secretly love it, too.

The song. Not racism.

- I obviously don't secretly - love racism.

I just want to go to college.

Doesn't matter so much

which one.

It's just that...

like, we're not

all dead or whatever

and people are actually

still going to college.

♪♪

♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪

- ♪ Yes, you can look, - you cannot touch ♪

♪ No touchin' ♪

♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪

♪ Yes, you can look,

you cannot touch ♪

♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪

♪ Yes, you can look,

you cannot touch ♪

♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪

♪ Yes, you can look,

you cannot touch ♪

[ Water bottle crunching ]

♪♪

J: [ Chuckles ] Here's some

useless information...

So, a guy robbed a Quiznos,

and they can't find him.

He had a gun, um, which may

or may not have been fake,

and a duffel bag full of

semi-automatic rifles,

or fishing gear.

The cashier couldn't tell.

[ Crunching continues ]

♪♪

[ Crunching stops ]

Nathan: He's wearing a Supreme

hat. He's obviously not gay.

Hmm.

Also, can we talk about

how disappointing it is

that the one hot Black teacher

in our school sucks dick?

Okay, you... you can't

say shit like that.

My comedy's edgy, okay?

And you know what?

I got lotsa gay in my life.

I love my gay, but people being

precious... no. I itch.

Like, get me some calamine

and shut the fuck up.

Who are you, by the way?

- I was just looking - for another club

- When the lockdown - happened.

MELT?

The Mormon club?

[ Chuckling ] Oh, damn.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

♪♪

Oh, hot.

You like those?

Like you'd do things

Yeah. Definitely.

with those?

Oh, my God. Perv.

- Those are - your sister's knees.

Ew! Fuck! What? What?

- Why is she even sending you - fake tit pics?

Quality control before

they go to Jack.

'Cause they about to go

boom-boom-boom in the bathroom.

- Wait... Wait, he's actually - going to see her right now?

- What's wrong? - Uh... nothing.

- I think I heard - something about him.

You know, like,

some sort of... STD thing.

- Ugh. God. Yeah. So, - maybe you should tell her.

- I-I think you should. - Nah.

Jack's an honors student.

That there is good, clean,

academic dick.

- She's fine. - But what if

There is a shooter?

- I mean, d-does she actually - want blood on her hands

- Just to catch a dick - or whatever?

There is no way

I'm coming between her mouth

and his junk.

Chester: Ugh!

I'm so over this lockdown!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

You okay?

Yeah. Just sometimes my heart

beats too fast.

- I don't really - know why.

- They just have to - take it seriously

- 'cause it's - near a school.

Yeah, I know. I-I know.

- It's not even - really about that.

It's just, um,

sometimes...

- small spaces - kinda stress me out.

- Probably comes from - being trapped in

Too many rooms

with arguing parents.

- That sucks. - It's fine.

It's just... you know.

I'm sorry about

the texts this morning.

Huh?

Oh. Please.

I once texted, "I'm so wet"

to my Dad by accident.

[ Both chuckle ]

Doesn't this morning

feel like 100 years ago?

[ Sighs ]

- I was such a bitch - to my mom.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Oh, wait. Shit.

Fuck. Sorry.

- No. No, it's fine. - I'm sorry.

- I heard about your mom. - Seriously.

This sounds so shitty,

but it's just...

less stressful,

her not being here.

Why do you think I moved

into the shed in my yard?

[ Sighs ]

It was all a mistake.

She actually

has her papers.

- She's with her family - in Guadalajara

Until they

sort it all out,

and secretly,

I think she's okay, too.

They all binge

For real?

"The Crown" together.

Yeah, but she thinks it's

like a telenovela,

so, she's all like, "Ooh,

La Reina, she's such a bitch.

- Season two, she's gonna totally - behead her husband."

[ Both laugh ]

Still?

Yeah.

[ Exhales deeply ]

I had this whole

heart-racing thing

- after my mom - showed me "E.T."

I hated that movie.

I wish E.T. had died.

Me too.

My mom, she would do

this rhyming thing,

if I was, like,

sick or something.

She would go,

"Sana sana, colita de Rana,

si no sanas hoy,

sanaras mañana."

It was so dumb,

but it worked.

And she would do

this thing with my hand.

What'd she do?

♪♪

Sana sana,

colita de Rana,

no sanas hoy,

sanaras mañana.

Sana sana,

colita de Rana,

si no sanas hoy,

That's nice.

sanaras mañana.

Sana sana,

colita de Rana,

si no sanas hoy,

sanaras mañana.

Sana sana...

Oh, 'ack, I 'uv 'ur 'ock!

[ Muffled ]

It is so hard!

♪ Bitch, get off my wave ♪

♪ I got ways, I got hella ways ♪

- [ Cellphone vibrates ] - [ Sighs ]

- ♪ I got ways, - bitch, get off my wave ♪

What?

- Nathan: Hi, I know you're - probably gonna hate me,

- But there's something I - have to tell you,

- [ Knock on door ] - and I know you're

Gonna be mad...

- I can't talk. - I'm getting some.

Wait!

- Chester: But at least - we have our guns.

Fuck!

- Second Amendment. - [ Gunfire on cellphone game ]

- Plus, if you think about it, - we're probably, like,

The fifth-most-hated

club on campus.

I mean, any shooter

is obviously going to

- the Black Student - Union first.

No other group in America

has had more violence

inflicted upon them

both systematically

and interpersonally.

Unless it's, like, some

immigrant-hating MAGA guy,

'cause then he's

going to MEChA first.

Although, it could be,

like, Hillel,

if he's, like, more

of a retro Jew-hater.

On the other hand...

people do hate women.

- [ Chuckles ] - Like, really hate them,

So, Girls' League is an option.

'Course, this room,

we got it all.

We got black, brown, gay, girls.

So, maybe for efficiency,

they'll just come here.

Multiple birds, one stone

kinda type deal...

- Nathan: - Can you just stop?

It's not funny.

What are you talking about?

It's fucking hilarious.

Also, the meaning of life

is that it stops.

Sam: Okay. Okay.

Um, maybe, uh, time for

some more music.

- Riley: So, what are - we listening to?

Fair warning,

if it's Shawn Mendes,

- I'm going on - a shooting rampage.

- Plus, he had those - racially insensitive tweets.

- Plus he sucks. - Okay, here,

Here, here.

I'm gonna connect and

randomly play something

- from Spotify, okay? - There we go.

♪ The sun is coming up again ♪

- ♪ Lookin' like it's - gonna be a problem ♪

♪ 'Cause I'd be ly... ♪

[ Music stops ]

- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.

- I don't want to listen to - something basic.

I don't. Like, why?

- Like, why is life - always a fucking

Lowest-common-denominator

compromise?

Chester.

Can I talk to you?

Come... talk... to me.

J, put on something

everyone likes.

Sit down a sec.

♪♪

- I know how stressful - this is.

It's not stressful.

It's just dumb.

And then it turns out

the school now rotocalls,

so my Nonna did find out

- about this stupid - fucking lockdown

- And is now all stressed, - 'cause besides

Her douchey QAnon brother,

like, I'm all she has.

Like, they did not need to

do that to her.

♪♪

So, a poodle in

Oh, come on!

Buenos Aires fell...

Just listen.

Just listen.

A poodle in Buenos Aires

fell 13 floors,

randomly hitting a woman,

killing both instantly.

- While witnessing - the incident,

Another woman

gets hit by a bus.

Meanwhile, a man saw

the second woman's death,

had a heart attack, and died

on the way to the hospital.

♪♪

A pallbearer in Finland

died tripping over a stone

while carrying a coffin.

♪♪

♪♪

A mother died of cancer.

[ Students laughing ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Riley: Oh, my God.

-Oh, no. That is so gross.

-Whoa!

Doctor: soft-serve.

pinching it so hard.

Oh, they're

- Nathan: - Is that blood? Oh, my God.

Doctor: Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Why is it

so satisfying?

- I think 'cause all - the nasty shit comes out.

Riley: Yeah, and it's, like,

pimples you can control.

Chester: What?

Together: Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

[ Alarm blares ]

- Woman on P.A.: - Lockdown has ended.

- Teachers and students, - may I have your attention?

- Lockdown has ended. - Nathan: It literally looks

Like a milkshake.

- Ugh. - [ All groan ]

It's dripping!

Aah!

It's dripping!

♪ I thought I came,

but I peed on the dick ♪

♪ Pubic hair got inches,

that's weave on the dick ♪

♪ Pussy like a tree,

it got leaves on the shit ♪

♪ Bang-bang this pussy,

Chief Keef with the dick ♪

♪ Climbing on that dick,

need a 10-feet ladder ♪

♪ I love the D,

that's my favorite ladder ♪

♪ Sloppy Toppy for papi,

leave Sloppy Joe shook ♪

Is that a birthmark?

Yeah.

♪ I can make

your dick stand up ♪

- ♪ Are you ready? ♪ - ♪ Like Statue of Liberty ♪

Oh, my fucking God!

♪ So hard ♪

♪ Tap the head of the dick,

duck, duck, duck, goose ♪

- ♪ Head of the dick, - duck, duck, duck, goose ♪

- ♪ Get that dick up and runnin' - when he fuck this cooch ♪

♪ Covered in all my cum, the

dick be lookin' like a goose ♪

♪ Head of the dick,

duck, duck, duck, goose ♪

- ♪ Head of the dick, - duck, duck, duck, goose ♪

- ♪ Get that dick up and runnin' - when he fuck this cooch ♪

♪ Covered in all my cum, the

dick be lookin' like a goose ♪

♪ Twat so wet, you could

take a cruise on it ♪

♪ Suckin' yo' neck till

I leave a bruise on it ♪

- ♪ Let you eat the pussy, - just don't use a spoon on it ♪

- ♪ Put it in a box like you - 'bout to move on it ♪

- ♪ This that submarine pussy, - Mr. Clean pussy ♪

- ♪ This that I'm 'bout to fuck - you longer ♪

♪ Than a limousine pussy ♪

- ♪ High self-esteem pussy, - it's a dream pussy ♪

- ♪ If you're broke than a pussy - actin' funny like a meme pussy ♪

- ♪ Easy Bake Oven and this pussy - so similar ♪

♪ Touchin' your head but it

ain't checkin' a temperature ♪

- ♪ Got that dick on lock - like a motherfuckin' prisoner ♪

- ♪ Nut in my pussy hair, - jumpin' on your dick ♪

- ♪ Tell your grandma sew my pussy - since you split open my slit ♪

- ♪ Coochie guaranteed to put you - to sleep so damn soon ♪

- ♪ Ridin' on that dick, - I'm readin' "Goodnight Moon" ♪

- ♪ Vending machine, - vending machine ♪

- ♪ Can't eat it 'til there's - money between, money between ♪

♪ This pussy is a vending

machine, vending machine ♪

♪ Can't eat it 'til there's

money between, money between ♪

- ♪ Vending machine, - vending machine, oh, yeah ♪

- ♪ Vending machine, - vending machine, oh, yeah ♪

- ♪ Can't eat it until there's - money between, money between ♪

♪ This pussy is a vending

machine, vending machine ♪

♪♪