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♪♪
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[ Scanner beeps ]
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[ "Jingle Bells" plays ]
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- Are those yours, - too?
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W-What?
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yours?
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Are the scissors
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Yeah, it's all mine.
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- Unless you have - bigger scissors.
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Bigger?
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- For a-a cord-thing that might be - hard to cut through.
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- What's the cord-thing - made of?
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Never mind. What else
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do you need for a baby?
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- Um, I don't know. - Food?
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- Shit, you're right. - Where do I get that?
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No, she won't call her parents.
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Get here now!
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- [ Clattering ] - Fuck! Shit!
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I don't care how cute
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the guy at Lush is!
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How old is the baby?
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- It's, uh, - about to be born.
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- 'Cause I don't think they start - eating this kind of food
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Until they're,
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you know, older.
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Fuck me. Fuck!
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Fuck me!
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[ Breathing heavily ]
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- Does it matter - what kind?
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It's by age.
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- And yeah, it matters because - you should be breastfeeding.
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- Well, maybe she has clogged - milk ducts from a weak latch.
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- It's not for me, - and she's not gonna breastfeed.
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She doesn't even want
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the baby. Jesus!
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♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
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[ Breathing heavily ]
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♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
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- If my friend had, - like, a major emergency
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- And couldn't make it - to the sale today,
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- Would you ever let her - have the sale price tomorrow?
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No.
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[ Scoffs ] Okay.
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- Well, my friend is - about to give birth,
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So thank you very much for
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having such a big fucking heart.
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[ Knocking ]
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Hey! Hey!
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Hey, hey!
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- My friend - is in there!
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- Well, you better - tell her to come out,
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- Because that's - a handicapped restroom,
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- And it needs - to be free for...
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[ Girl groaning ]
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- actual - handicapped people.
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- You're not supposed to - say "handicapped"!
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- It is so offensive! - That's not true.
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- If there's - someone else in there,
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- They'll both be escorted - down to the security office,
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- And their parents - will be notified.
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She's on her period!
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Oh, my God!
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- And she's - bleeding and puking,
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And I went to get her
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tampons and Aleve.
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- And what if she is handicapped? - How do you know?
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- Can you imagine - being handicapped
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And having your period?
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- Do you even know how - hard that would be?
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I see Oreos.
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- Excuse me, sir, - do you have a period?
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- Because maybe you don't know - what you need.
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I do know you don't need Oreos
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for a menstrual situation,
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but if you're in there
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smoking joints, you might.
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Can you please explain to me
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what a "menstrual situation" is?
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Exactly. So, can you please
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just stop discriminating
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- against women - and wheelchair people
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- And let me - take care of my friend
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And her bleeding vagina?
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- Thank you very much. - [ Moaning ]
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It's me.
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- I think it's starting - to come out!
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♪ ...open sleigh ♪
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[ Cellphone swishes ]
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♪ Heh, heh ♪
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♪ Hey, a poppin' bitch ♪
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Doctor: I'm getting squirted
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on my scrubs.
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We've got a squirter!
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- Riley's mom: - Did you ask your dad
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- To give you money - for Photo Club?
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Uh-huh.
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What did I just say?
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- I don't know. - Something naggy.
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- ♪ Like I said, - get it poppin', bitch ♪
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♪ Now hands up ♪
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I don't think
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I'm doing it right.
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Like this?
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[ Funky music plays ]
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- Woman: Yeah, - just like that.
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- You like it? - Mm-hmm.
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[ Moaning ]
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- You're - a good teacher.
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- [ Gasps ] - [ Moans ]
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[ Both moaning ]
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[ Ad playing ]
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No, no, no, no.
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- Man: Whips, chains, - and handcuffs.
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[ Overlapping chatter,
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[ ads chiming ]
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Oh, shit.
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Ugh! Fuck.
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- Shit. - [ Emojis popping ]
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Oh, my God.
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♪ When I come through,
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why you get uncomfortable? ♪
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No, no, no, no, no.
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♪ Get it poppin', bitch ♪
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Ugh!
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Fuck.
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♪ You a poppin' bitch ♪
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No, no, no, no, no!
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Oh, my God!
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[ Sighs ]
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[ Keyboard clicking ]
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Oh.
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[ Muffled scream ]
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- Doctor: I'm getting squirted - on my scrubs!
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We've got a squirter!
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God. Oh, why?
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You don't think
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No! Stop! Ew.
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it's cute?
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- Are you home - for dinner?
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- Yes, I am, but don't... - Don't make the beans.
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- Okay. - And you know what?
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- And wash my clothes if - you're gonna wear them.
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Really. Or else I smell
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[ Chuckles ]
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like Old Spice and hormones.
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I'm getting squirted
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on my scrubs.
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We've got a squirter!
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♪ Only ever been
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a poppin' bitch ♪
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♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
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♪ A poppin' bitch ♪
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- Nathan: Hey, can you - come here a sec?
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- Naomi: No, I don't - want to catch pinkeye.
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- I told you, it's not pinkeye. - I just got something in it.
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I just want to show you that
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I deleted the hickey pic.
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♪♪
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- Show me your - Recently Deleted.
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♪ Hey, where my
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poppin' bitches at? ♪
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♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
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Oh, my God.
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Are you
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male-model posing?
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It was a joke.
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- Okay, so the thing - about my eye...
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Whatever.
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Just tell me, did you
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actually touch a dick?
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- Yes. So... - Oh, my God.
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Was it dick pic guy?
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- Because did you notice - that guy
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- Has a birthmark - near his dick,
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- And the birthmark - looks like a tiny dick?
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- Literally. - I am not even kidding.
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It is a dick
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[ Horn honking ]
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next to a dick.
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- Chill the fetch out! - We're coming!
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- Doctor: I'm getting squirted - on my scrubs.
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Who even likes these videos?
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White people?
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White people are
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Patrick: Wow.
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just so fucked up.
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Today's Club Fair.
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You should join BSU.
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Oh, I didn't know that.
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- Arianna, are you gonna - join any clubs?
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Oh, Dad, let me just think
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for a second.
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No, I'm not.
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- Well, in my day, - extracurriculars
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- Were helpful - for college applications.
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For me, it's about all the
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causes I want to do, you know?
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- I can't do all of them, though, - 'cause I'm in 11 clubs.
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You need a time-turner.
201
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[ Chuckles ]
202
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- Yeah, uh, no, - you can't say that anymore.
203
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- Patrick: You can't? - Delilah: No. You know.
204
00:05:12,917 --> 00:05:14,477
- J.K. Rowling? - Transphobic.
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- Plus the whole - queer-baiting thing.
206
00:05:15,792 --> 00:05:17,352
- But, like, - how do I choose?
207
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- You know, 'cause mental health - awareness is a big one for me,
208
00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:21,601
- But Suicide Prevention - meets at the same time
209
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- As Girls' League - and Animal Empathy Club,
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So how am I supposed to pick
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between feminism, animal rights,
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- and stopping kids - from killing themselves?
213
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- How... How did she - queer-bait, by the way?
214
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- Oh, by saying - after the fact that
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Dumbledore and
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Ugh.
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Grindelwald are gay.
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- But not, like, - having-sex gay, right?
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'Cause that's nasty.
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- Patrick: - I hate teenagers.
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Oh, come on!
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- Who wants to see - an old man
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- Choking on another - old man's dick?
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Okay, Delilah, is there
225
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any sort of LGBT club?
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♪ A poppin' bitch,
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eh, eh ♪
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♪ Be a poppin' bitch ♪
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♪ Ey, ey, baby,
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I'm a poppin' bitch ♪
231
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♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh,
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a poppin' bitch ♪
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♪ Play some Baby in the club,
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get it poppin', bitch ♪
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- Did you know - the owner of Segway died
236
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When he accidentally drove
237
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a Segway off a cliff?
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Hmm. I did not
239
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know that, no.
240
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- Hi! - Hi.
241
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- Where are we - with the rooftopping?
242
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Look, I... Oh, my God.
243
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See, and you know
244
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I'm all about the truth,
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- so maybe we move on, - okay?
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Sam: I don't feel like
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moving on just yet.
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- You wanna know - why I do it?
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- We can start there, - yeah.
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To feel alive.
251
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- What do you do - to feel alive?
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Drugs.
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- Which is my name for watching - "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
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Twice last week.
255
00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,567
- For the Taye Diggs - shower scene?
256
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I just like the movie.
257
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Hmm.
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- That's pretty - embarrassing.
259
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- Thank you. - Nice swim cap.
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Thanks.
261
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- It's a water polo - Club Fair thing.
262
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- You should come see me - play sometime.
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- You belong to any - other clubs?
264
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Oh. Okay.
265
00:06:41,875 --> 00:06:42,873
So, like,
266
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"be a joiner"?
267
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,165
Or like, "If he's busy,
268
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he won't rooftop."
269
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- What about the GSA? - First of all,
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- The woman who runs it - is so cringe,
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- She literally drove - all the gay kids away.
272
00:06:51,292 --> 00:06:52,750
I'm not kidding.
273
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:55,331
Also, the whole GSA thing
274
00:06:55,355 --> 00:06:57,875
is so '90s and so... binary,
275
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,206
and, like, do we really
276
00:06:59,230 --> 00:07:00,458
need another bake sale
277
00:07:00,542 --> 00:07:01,915
to benefit sad gay people
278
00:07:01,939 --> 00:07:03,333
in Chechnya?
279
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,019
I told you,
280
00:07:06,043 --> 00:07:07,458
she's a bitch.
281
00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:08,894
My family's actually
282
00:07:08,918 --> 00:07:10,292
from Chechnya.
283
00:07:10,375 --> 00:07:12,000
Black Russians exist.
284
00:07:14,708 --> 00:07:16,042
I wasn't...
285
00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:19,518
- [ Chuckling ] Yeah, - my family's from Irvine.
286
00:07:19,542 --> 00:07:20,583
I'm just messing with you.
287
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:22,958
Oh. Your face.
288
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:25,083
Black Russians exist?
289
00:07:25,167 --> 00:07:27,208
[ Laughs ] God damn.
290
00:07:27,292 --> 00:07:28,500
Close your mouth.
291
00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:32,186
You know, I would be more open
292
00:07:32,210 --> 00:07:34,542
to joining the GSA
293
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,415
if there were
294
00:07:36,439 --> 00:07:38,250
a new faculty advisor.
295
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,415
They would have to
296
00:07:39,439 --> 00:07:40,542
be queer, of course,
297
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:41,956
but the only other
298
00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:43,333
out teacher is Mr. Lee,
299
00:07:43,417 --> 00:07:44,602
and his nipple ring
300
00:07:44,626 --> 00:07:45,833
shows through his polos,
301
00:07:45,917 --> 00:07:46,977
so that really
302
00:07:47,001 --> 00:07:48,083
wouldn't work.
303
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,227
Also, I saw him
304
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:50,333
yell at a dog once.
305
00:07:50,417 --> 00:07:52,165
But, um...
306
00:07:52,189 --> 00:07:53,958
what about you?
307
00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:57,875
Chester: Free Hug Club!
308
00:07:57,958 --> 00:07:59,019
Now only hugging with
309
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,125
radical consent!
310
00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:01,684
- Girl: Delilah! - Oh, be right there!
311
00:08:01,708 --> 00:08:03,810
- Just going to Dolls with Balls - and Planeteers!
312
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,957
Come join our shirtless
313
00:08:05,981 --> 00:08:08,042
gay massage club!
314
00:08:08,125 --> 00:08:09,208
Dude.
315
00:08:09,292 --> 00:08:10,540
Fine, do Film Club.
316
00:08:10,564 --> 00:08:11,833
Be pretentious.
317
00:08:11,917 --> 00:08:14,184
- And don't expect to come out - of there and be dateable!
318
00:08:14,208 --> 00:08:15,185
Jack, you gotta go
319
00:08:15,209 --> 00:08:16,209
to the next level!
320
00:08:16,292 --> 00:08:17,540
Oh,
321
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:18,833
I'm not doing that!
322
00:08:18,917 --> 00:08:20,083
But you have to.
323
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,417
I just snapped you.
324
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:21,500
- Come on. - They're gonna run out.
325
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,875
Okay.
326
00:08:22,958 --> 00:08:24,101
- Hold on. - I gotta snap her back.
327
00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:25,227
- It's a - two-year streak.
328
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:26,768
- Also, I need to be - on her good side
329
00:08:26,792 --> 00:08:28,268
- So she's not mad - when I tell her about Jack.
330
00:08:28,292 --> 00:08:29,768
- Dude, she's gonna be mad - about him no matter what.
331
00:08:29,792 --> 00:08:30,894
- Ooh! - Animal Rights Club.
332
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,165
I love animals.
333
00:08:32,189 --> 00:08:33,375
Save the animals!
334
00:08:33,458 --> 00:08:35,000
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
335
00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:36,227
"I prefer circumcised
336
00:08:36,251 --> 00:08:37,417
to uncircumcised."
337
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,625
Strongly agree.
338
00:08:38,708 --> 00:08:39,894
Doesn't uncircumcised
339
00:08:39,918 --> 00:08:41,125
mean dick cheese?
340
00:08:41,208 --> 00:08:42,375
[ Groans ]
341
00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:43,477
Also, isn't everyone
342
00:08:43,501 --> 00:08:44,542
circumcised now?
343
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,394
- Here, - but not in France.
344
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:47,581
There, it's all about
345
00:08:47,605 --> 00:08:48,708
stinky cheese.
346
00:08:48,792 --> 00:08:50,250
I cannot! Ew.
347
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:51,394
I have a good feeling
348
00:08:51,418 --> 00:08:52,500
about Jack's.
349
00:08:52,583 --> 00:08:54,040
Seriously, I feel slut energy
350
00:08:54,064 --> 00:08:55,542
radiating from you.
351
00:08:55,625 --> 00:08:57,500
Oh! Really?
352
00:08:57,583 --> 00:08:59,185
- You're like - a slut phoenix
353
00:08:59,292 --> 00:09:00,977
Rising from the ashes
354
00:09:01,001 --> 00:09:02,708
of being a virgin.
355
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,144
- [ Bell dings ] - Oh, fuck.
356
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:04,250
- What? - I have to go to
357
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:06,125
The gay club,
358
00:09:06,208 --> 00:09:07,852
- or my dads will - cut off my finances.
359
00:09:07,958 --> 00:09:09,125
[ Sighs ] Boo.
360
00:09:09,208 --> 00:09:10,456
I want you limping
361
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:11,750
the next time I see you.
362
00:09:11,833 --> 00:09:13,602
- Okay! - Bye, bitch!
363
00:09:13,708 --> 00:09:15,625
[ "Born This Way" plays ]
364
00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:17,792
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
365
00:09:17,875 --> 00:09:19,373
♪ I was born this way ♪
366
00:09:19,397 --> 00:09:20,917
[ Laughs ]
367
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,519
- Come on in! - Wave your freak flag!
368
00:09:22,625 --> 00:09:23,644
Or just be an ally
369
00:09:23,668 --> 00:09:24,708
to a Freak Flagger!
370
00:09:24,792 --> 00:09:26,519
- Did she just say - "fagger?"
371
00:09:26,625 --> 00:09:28,000
Maybe?
372
00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:29,769
- ♪ Ooh, there - ain't no other way ♪
373
00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:31,792
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
374
00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:34,875
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
375
00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:36,125
Don't be a drag.
376
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:37,625
Be a queen.
377
00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:38,917
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
378
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,583
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
379
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,083
Good to see you here.
380
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,292
Good to see you here.
381
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,811
But, ooh, baby girl,
382
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,292
you need people.
383
00:09:47,375 --> 00:09:48,540
It looks like Prom
384
00:09:48,564 --> 00:09:49,750
at conversion camp.
385
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:51,602
- Ooh. Can we go to - Theater Club next?
386
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:51,708
- I like how Sophie - Deichman-Alperstein...
387
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:53,292
[ Cellphone chimes ]
388
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:54,477
is dressing
389
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,625
Yes.
390
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:55,708
kinda slutty now.
391
00:09:55,708 --> 00:09:57,602
- This was totally worth - the creep factor.
392
00:09:57,708 --> 00:09:59,559
- Riley: Chester says come to - GSA for chocolate.
393
00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:00,625
Did he say me too?
394
00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:02,394
- Come on. Come on. - Thank you.
395
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,269
- Yes, thank you, - and praise the Elders!
396
00:10:04,375 --> 00:10:05,852
- Why are Mormons - always so hot?
397
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,184
- [ Gasps ] Wait. - The Jew meeting.
398
00:10:07,208 --> 00:10:08,685
- We have to go. - I love their food.
399
00:10:08,792 --> 00:10:10,101
- Like... Like, - the kanishey thingies.
400
00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:11,935
- Mm. - Oh, my God.
401
00:10:12,042 --> 00:10:13,268
- It is Sophie - Deichman-Alperstein,
402
00:10:13,292 --> 00:10:14,540
And she is wearing
403
00:10:14,564 --> 00:10:15,833
knee-high socks.
404
00:10:15,917 --> 00:10:17,292
[ Muffled ] Oh, my God.
405
00:10:17,375 --> 00:10:18,500
You are puberty.
406
00:10:18,583 --> 00:10:20,060
- Come on. - Let's go to the GSA.
407
00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:21,394
- Right now. - Okay.
408
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,250
Come on.
409
00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:25,269
- H-Hi. - Hey, Jack.
410
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,500
Can I talk to you for a sec?
411
00:10:26,583 --> 00:10:27,477
- Yes. - Mm-hmm.
412
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:28,727
- I'm gonna go - over there.
413
00:10:29,708 --> 00:10:31,352
- Dude, you're not - texting me back.
414
00:10:31,458 --> 00:10:32,915
Yeah, sorry, my phone's been,
415
00:10:32,939 --> 00:10:34,417
like, super weird.
416
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,310
- Yeah, I kinda feel bad - about Naomi.
417
00:10:36,417 --> 00:10:37,726
- Yeah. Y-Y-You don't - mean like...
418
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:39,186
Like, "say something to her"
419
00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:40,667
feel bad, right?
420
00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:41,934
- 'Cause, like, I had - the same thing of, like,
421
00:10:41,958 --> 00:10:43,351
- You know, - maybe I should tell her,
422
00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:45,227
- But then I was like... - Wait, wait, wait.
423
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:46,393
- So, you were - gonna tell her?
424
00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:48,083
No. No, no, no, no, no.
425
00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:49,415
Um... Are... Are...
426
00:10:49,439 --> 00:10:50,708
Are you?
427
00:10:50,792 --> 00:10:52,167
Young man: Jack!
428
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:53,667
I gotta go.
429
00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:56,602
Stop. Stop.
430
00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:57,667
[ Groans ]
431
00:10:56,626 --> 00:10:57,750
He won't say anything.
432
00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:59,226
- Come on. - Let's go stress-eat chocolate.
433
00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:00,977
- Okay. Let's go. - That's what we need.
434
00:11:01,083 --> 00:11:01,083
- Riley: That's what we need. - Come on, horsey!
435
00:11:01,083 --> 00:11:02,667
[ Grunts, laughs ]
436
00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:03,833
Come on, horsey!
437
00:11:03,917 --> 00:11:06,500
Whoo! Go!
438
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,042
Show time, people!
439
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:09,602
- You coming in? - Come on!
440
00:11:09,708 --> 00:11:10,727
Oh, come on.
441
00:11:10,751 --> 00:11:11,792
Join us!
442
00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:12,915
There we go.
443
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:14,000
It's a packed house.
444
00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:16,268
- Oh, come on. Coming in doesn't - mean coming out, you know.
445
00:11:16,292 --> 00:11:18,019
- ♪ Ooh, there ain't - no other way ♪
446
00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:19,708
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
447
00:11:19,792 --> 00:11:21,102
Just grab a seat
448
00:11:21,126 --> 00:11:22,458
wherever you're...
449
00:11:22,542 --> 00:11:24,208
[ Button clicks, music stops ]
450
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:26,208
Okay. So!
451
00:11:26,292 --> 00:11:27,415
Maybe we can all introduce
452
00:11:27,439 --> 00:11:28,583
ourselves with a fun fact.
453
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:30,250
Ooh, can I start?
454
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:31,602
I'm Arianna, and my fun fact is
455
00:11:31,626 --> 00:11:32,917
my parents are gay.
456
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,769
- Hey, wow. - That's very special.
457
00:11:34,875 --> 00:11:36,208
Yeah, um, they freaked out
458
00:11:36,292 --> 00:11:37,934
- over a couple of jokes I made - this morning
459
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,185
- And said - if I didn't come,
460
00:11:39,292 --> 00:11:39,292
- They'd stop - paying for my phone.
461
00:11:39,292 --> 00:11:40,958
Oh.
462
00:11:41,042 --> 00:11:42,290
And then I recently learned
463
00:11:42,314 --> 00:11:43,583
that they're thinking of
464
00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:44,748
bringing a third
465
00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:45,875
into their relationship.
466
00:11:45,958 --> 00:11:47,810
- They read my texts, - so I was like,
467
00:11:47,917 --> 00:11:49,352
- "Let me return - the favor."
468
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:51,269
- Apparently, - when you're gay,
469
00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:52,644
Your slut phase lasts
470
00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:53,958
even after you get married.
471
00:11:54,042 --> 00:11:55,186
Okay! Okay!
472
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:56,375
Thank you. Thank you.
473
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:57,685
Let's... Let's try
474
00:11:57,709 --> 00:11:58,958
something besides fun facts.
475
00:11:59,042 --> 00:12:00,394
How about, uh,
476
00:12:00,418 --> 00:12:01,792
astrological signs?
477
00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:05,250
Like... I'm Sam. I'm a Virgo.
478
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,851
- Some people say that - it's the snobbiest sign,
479
00:12:06,875 --> 00:12:08,373
But obviously,
480
00:12:08,397 --> 00:12:09,917
those people have bad taste.
481
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,417
[ Chuckles ]
482
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:13,519
Thank you.
483
00:12:13,543 --> 00:12:14,583
Oh! I get it now.
484
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:15,917
Thank you.
485
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,727
Hi! Uh, I'm Chester.
486
00:12:17,751 --> 00:12:19,500
I'm a Scorpio.
487
00:12:19,583 --> 00:12:21,477
Uh... if you hurt me,
488
00:12:21,501 --> 00:12:23,417
I'll pretend to be unbothered
489
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:24,665
and then
490
00:12:24,689 --> 00:12:25,875
literally kill you.
491
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:27,018
- Who wants - to be friends?
492
00:12:27,042 --> 00:12:28,833
[ Alarm blares ]
493
00:12:28,917 --> 00:12:30,123
Woman over P.A.:
494
00:12:28,917 --> 00:12:31,375
may I have your attention?
495
00:12:30,147 --> 00:12:31,458
Teachers and students,
496
00:12:31,458 --> 00:12:33,458
The school is in lockdown.
497
00:12:33,542 --> 00:12:34,875
Shit on my dick!
498
00:12:34,958 --> 00:12:37,458
Everyone stay calm!
499
00:12:37,542 --> 00:12:39,810
- Okay, please, I'm begging you, - just remain calm!
500
00:12:39,917 --> 00:12:41,375
Sam: Someone grab the blinds.
501
00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:42,809
- I'm gonna give you a notebook - to write your name in.
502
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:43,917
Pass it along.
503
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,560
- Oh. Okay. Come on. - Come on. Come on.
504
00:12:45,625 --> 00:12:47,184
- Okay, I'm sure they'll tell us - soon if this is a drill.
505
00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:49,309
- Let's take this seriously, - everyone, but not panic.
506
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,373
Please don't panic!
507
00:12:50,397 --> 00:12:51,458
Yeah, don't panic.
508
00:12:51,542 --> 00:12:52,561
There are a ton more
509
00:12:52,585 --> 00:12:53,625
panic-worthy things
510
00:12:53,708 --> 00:12:54,833
happening in the world,
511
00:12:54,917 --> 00:12:56,936
like 150 animals
512
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,000
go extinct every day,
513
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:00,915
and every 0.3 seconds,
514
00:13:00,939 --> 00:13:02,792
someone dies of starvation.
515
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:03,852
These are good things
516
00:13:03,876 --> 00:13:04,876
to panic about.
517
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:06,290
Pan-ic. Health-i-ly.
518
00:13:06,314 --> 00:13:07,667
Peo-ple.
519
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,560
- Chester. - Come on. Sit down.
520
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:11,456
Listen, the bad news is,
521
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,583
this sucks.
522
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:13,832
The good news is,
523
00:13:13,856 --> 00:13:15,042
you're locked in a room
524
00:13:15,125 --> 00:13:16,833
with a licensed counselor.
525
00:13:16,917 --> 00:13:18,893
- Well, some of you might - consider that bad news.
526
00:13:18,917 --> 00:13:20,082
In any case, there's a spot
527
00:13:20,106 --> 00:13:21,292
here next to me
528
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:22,415
if anyone wants to
529
00:13:22,439 --> 00:13:23,500
talk about anything.
530
00:13:26,292 --> 00:13:27,917
Or not.
531
00:13:31,583 --> 00:13:32,583
[ Bag thuds ]
532
00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:35,000
[ Cellphones swish, chime ]
533
00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,290
A woman sunbathing
534
00:13:42,314 --> 00:13:43,458
was fatally stabbed
535
00:13:43,542 --> 00:13:44,873
when the wind blew a beach
536
00:13:44,897 --> 00:13:46,250
umbrella into her chest.
537
00:13:49,375 --> 00:13:50,790
A man in Iceland fell
538
00:13:50,814 --> 00:13:52,250
into an active volcano
539
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:53,875
while taking a selfie.
540
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,540
Yeah.
541
00:13:56,564 --> 00:13:58,000
[ Speaking native language ]
542
00:13:58,083 --> 00:14:00,375
Greta: Ana, it's okay.
543
00:14:00,458 --> 00:14:01,977
- It's probably - just a drill.
544
00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:03,123
Ana: Should I come
545
00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:04,208
No, you...
546
00:14:03,147 --> 00:14:04,292
to get you?
547
00:14:04,292 --> 00:14:05,790
They won't let you
548
00:14:05,814 --> 00:14:07,333
come to the school.
549
00:14:07,417 --> 00:14:08,708
I know you're worried.
550
00:14:08,792 --> 00:14:10,625
[ Cellphone beeps ]
551
00:14:10,708 --> 00:14:11,833
I love you a lot, too.
552
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:14,290
[ Crying ]
553
00:14:14,314 --> 00:14:16,708
I'm freaking out.
554
00:14:16,792 --> 00:14:18,458
I'm freaking out.
555
00:14:18,542 --> 00:14:20,292
[ Crying stops ]
556
00:14:20,375 --> 00:14:21,811
[ Cellphone beeps ]
557
00:14:21,835 --> 00:14:23,292
[ Crying ]
558
00:14:23,375 --> 00:14:25,375
I'm freaking...
559
00:14:25,458 --> 00:14:26,831
[ Cellphone beeps ]
560
00:14:26,855 --> 00:14:28,250
[ Crying ]
561
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:30,293
- Oh, my God. I think - there's a shooter outside.
562
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:31,331
Like, I think they're
563
00:14:31,355 --> 00:14:32,375
gonna come in.
564
00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:35,167
I'm too young to die.
565
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:37,019
[ Sobbing ]
566
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:38,833
I'm freaking out!
567
00:14:38,917 --> 00:14:40,227
Uh, Arianna?
568
00:14:40,251 --> 00:14:41,583
[ Cellphone chimes, swishes ]
569
00:14:41,667 --> 00:14:43,167
Arianna.
570
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,042
Oh, no, I'm good.
571
00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:46,456
I'm just having fun
572
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,833
with my dads.
573
00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:49,167
Okay.
574
00:14:49,250 --> 00:14:50,894
Hey, listen, i-it's okay
575
00:14:50,918 --> 00:14:52,583
if you're scared.
576
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:54,269
Yeah, I-I-I wouldn't mind just
577
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:55,917
acknowledging, by the way,
578
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,352
how... how seriously crazy
579
00:14:57,376 --> 00:14:58,750
our world is right now.
580
00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:00,269
I'm sorry, I just... just think
581
00:15:00,293 --> 00:15:01,750
it's helpful to voice that
582
00:15:01,833 --> 00:15:03,500
every once in awhile, and...
583
00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:05,123
And I'm still here
584
00:15:05,147 --> 00:15:06,708
to talk if anyone wants.
585
00:15:06,792 --> 00:15:09,042
[ Students whispering ]
586
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:11,019
- I mean, - the one thing is,
587
00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:12,935
- We're pretty used to - stuff like this.
588
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:15,042
Also, why freak out
589
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:16,477
when we're all gonna be dead
590
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:17,875
by 2050 anyway, right?
591
00:15:20,125 --> 00:15:21,375
What?
592
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:22,852
Why does anyone care
593
00:15:22,876 --> 00:15:24,292
about joining a club
594
00:15:24,375 --> 00:15:25,852
to fix a world that's literally
595
00:15:25,876 --> 00:15:27,375
gonna be uninhabitable?
596
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:28,644
Are you for real
597
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:29,875
No.
598
00:15:28,668 --> 00:15:29,958
right now?
599
00:15:29,958 --> 00:15:31,059
- 'Cause you know - this is something
600
00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:32,519
- I'd want to talk about. - I know.
601
00:15:32,625 --> 00:15:34,269
- You call your grandma? - No.
602
00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:36,102
- She's at work - and not really a texter,
603
00:15:36,208 --> 00:15:37,928
- And so if I call her, - she'll see it's me
604
00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:39,292
And have a heart attack.
605
00:15:39,375 --> 00:15:40,625
That would suck, so...
606
00:15:40,708 --> 00:15:42,560
- When I called to - get your phone number
607
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,518
- 'cause of the really - alarming picture you sent
608
00:15:44,542 --> 00:15:46,102
- On the edge of a roof, - she was like,
609
00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:48,059
- "Yeah, I'll give you his number, - but if you're lying and turn out
610
00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:49,894
To be some creepy stalker,
611
00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:51,750
I love her.
612
00:15:49,918 --> 00:15:51,833
I'll find you and kill you."
613
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:53,393
- Riley: My mom says - Next Door Neighbor is saying
614
00:15:53,417 --> 00:15:55,434
- There's some sort of - suspicious activity nearby.
615
00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:56,810
Is that, like, "shooter on
616
00:15:56,834 --> 00:15:58,208
the loose" suspicious activity?
617
00:15:58,292 --> 00:15:59,332
Or like, the time it was
618
00:15:59,356 --> 00:16:00,417
just some homeless guy
619
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:01,852
- wandering around - with a stick
620
00:16:01,958 --> 00:16:03,851
- And it took them four hours - to figure it out?
621
00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:05,373
I was so hungry
622
00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:05,373
It was actually
623
00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:05,397
during that one.
624
00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:06,917
five hours,
625
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,311
and I only know that
626
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,667
'cause I got through almost
627
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:11,101
- half of the first season - of "Friends."
628
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,810
- You know, - some sophomore in Orange
629
00:16:12,917 --> 00:16:15,144
- Literally became TikTok famous - during a lockdown?
630
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:16,540
I don't know. She says there's
631
00:16:16,564 --> 00:16:17,875
like 400,000 police cars.
632
00:16:17,958 --> 00:16:19,685
- [ Loud pop ] - [ Students gasp ]
633
00:16:21,083 --> 00:16:22,208
Sorry, guys.
634
00:16:22,292 --> 00:16:23,958
♪ Ain't nobody better than me ♪
635
00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:25,935
- ♪ Got the nourishment you need, - vitamin P ♪
636
00:16:26,042 --> 00:16:27,248
♪ P for pussy, P for power,
637
00:16:27,272 --> 00:16:28,500
P for pride and prestige ♪
638
00:16:28,583 --> 00:16:30,809
- ♪ P for poppin', P for price, - P for packin' them things ♪
639
00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:31,977
♪ I mean, what could be
640
00:16:32,001 --> 00:16:33,167
better than me? ♪
641
00:16:33,250 --> 00:16:35,185
- ♪ Burger B serving your needs, - vitamin P ♪
642
00:16:35,292 --> 00:16:36,873
Chester: Uh... I mean,
643
00:16:36,897 --> 00:16:38,500
Paris runway is up at the top,
644
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:40,226
- and honestly, I can't - even decide if I'd rather
645
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,542
Walk in a show or just be, like,
646
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,143
- a coldhearted bitch - in the front row
647
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:44,559
- With, like, - the bug-eyed sunglasses.
648
00:16:44,583 --> 00:16:46,101
- You know what I'm talking about? - [ Chuckles ]
649
00:16:46,125 --> 00:16:47,792
Um... summering in Sweden
650
00:16:47,875 --> 00:16:49,686
with some daddy
651
00:16:49,710 --> 00:16:51,542
named Lars, obviously.
652
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:53,290
Also getting over my
653
00:16:53,314 --> 00:16:55,000
fear of death would be nice.
654
00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:56,373
That one's...
655
00:16:56,397 --> 00:16:57,708
more long-term, maybe,
656
00:16:57,792 --> 00:16:59,852
and hard to do when, like, the
657
00:16:59,876 --> 00:17:01,958
whole point of a Fuck-It List
658
00:17:02,042 --> 00:17:04,309
- is to think about things you - want to do before you die,
659
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:05,415
Which only reinforces
660
00:17:05,439 --> 00:17:06,542
your fear of death.
661
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:08,081
I want to do the ten-pound
662
00:17:08,105 --> 00:17:09,583
burger challenge
663
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:10,893
- and the Rainbow Milk - challenge.
664
00:17:10,917 --> 00:17:12,397
- I want to go to - some small village
665
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:13,810
- Where no one - speaks English
666
00:17:13,917 --> 00:17:15,415
And I can't understand
667
00:17:15,439 --> 00:17:16,958
what anyone is saying,
668
00:17:17,042 --> 00:17:19,602
and I just sit in a café
669
00:17:17,042 --> 00:17:22,208
I love that.
670
00:17:19,626 --> 00:17:22,292
and, like, listen.
671
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:23,602
I want to punch someone
672
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,958
in the face for no reason,
673
00:17:25,042 --> 00:17:26,957
but, like,
674
00:17:26,981 --> 00:17:28,917
really, really hard.
675
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,560
- I-I definitely - want to skydive.
676
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:32,768
- Oh, and I want to spend the - night in "It's a Small World."
677
00:17:32,792 --> 00:17:34,477
- Yes. I want to - do that so bad.
678
00:17:34,583 --> 00:17:35,583
Ugh. That song.
679
00:17:35,625 --> 00:17:37,185
- Really? - It always made me cry.
680
00:17:37,292 --> 00:17:38,498
I don't know. Just, like,
681
00:17:38,522 --> 00:17:39,750
everyone's happy
682
00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:41,894
- and connected in - their little, racist groups.
683
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,040
Yeah, no, I mean,
684
00:17:43,064 --> 00:17:44,125
I secretly love it, too.
685
00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:47,417
The song. Not racism.
686
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,477
- I obviously don't secretly - love racism.
687
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:55,250
I just want to go to college.
688
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:56,644
Doesn't matter so much
689
00:17:56,668 --> 00:17:58,000
which one.
690
00:17:58,083 --> 00:17:59,417
It's just that...
691
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,144
like, we're not
692
00:18:01,168 --> 00:18:02,833
all dead or whatever
693
00:18:02,917 --> 00:18:04,394
and people are actually
694
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:05,917
still going to college.
695
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:09,917
♪♪
696
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,625
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
697
00:18:11,708 --> 00:18:13,435
- ♪ Yes, you can look, - you cannot touch ♪
698
00:18:13,542 --> 00:18:14,625
♪ No touchin' ♪
699
00:18:14,708 --> 00:18:16,375
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
700
00:18:16,458 --> 00:18:17,935
♪ Yes, you can look,
701
00:18:17,959 --> 00:18:19,458
you cannot touch ♪
702
00:18:19,542 --> 00:18:21,125
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
703
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:22,665
♪ Yes, you can look,
704
00:18:22,689 --> 00:18:24,167
you cannot touch ♪
705
00:18:24,250 --> 00:18:26,000
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
706
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:27,248
♪ Yes, you can look,
707
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:28,458
you cannot touch ♪
708
00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:30,917
[ Water bottle crunching ]
709
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:39,000
♪♪
710
00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:40,561
J: [ Chuckles ] Here's some
711
00:18:40,585 --> 00:18:41,792
useless information...
712
00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:43,498
So, a guy robbed a Quiznos,
713
00:18:43,522 --> 00:18:45,167
and they can't find him.
714
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,102
He had a gun, um, which may
715
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,000
or may not have been fake,
716
00:18:49,083 --> 00:18:50,894
and a duffel bag full of
717
00:18:50,918 --> 00:18:52,750
semi-automatic rifles,
718
00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:53,833
or fishing gear.
719
00:18:53,917 --> 00:18:55,625
The cashier couldn't tell.
720
00:18:55,708 --> 00:18:58,292
[ Crunching continues ]
721
00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:06,375
♪♪
722
00:19:06,708 --> 00:19:10,500
[ Crunching stops ]
723
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:11,935
Nathan: He's wearing a Supreme
724
00:19:11,959 --> 00:19:13,333
hat. He's obviously not gay.
725
00:19:13,417 --> 00:19:14,708
Hmm.
726
00:19:14,792 --> 00:19:16,186
Also, can we talk about
727
00:19:16,210 --> 00:19:17,625
how disappointing it is
728
00:19:17,708 --> 00:19:19,185
that the one hot Black teacher
729
00:19:19,209 --> 00:19:20,708
in our school sucks dick?
730
00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:22,061
Okay, you... you can't
731
00:19:22,085 --> 00:19:23,375
say shit like that.
732
00:19:23,458 --> 00:19:25,208
My comedy's edgy, okay?
733
00:19:25,292 --> 00:19:26,500
And you know what?
734
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,125
I got lotsa gay in my life.
735
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:29,998
I love my gay, but people being
736
00:19:30,022 --> 00:19:31,833
precious... no. I itch.
737
00:19:31,917 --> 00:19:33,332
Like, get me some calamine
738
00:19:33,356 --> 00:19:34,792
and shut the fuck up.
739
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,000
Who are you, by the way?
740
00:19:37,083 --> 00:19:38,268
- I was just looking - for another club
741
00:19:38,292 --> 00:19:40,060
- When the lockdown - happened.
742
00:19:40,167 --> 00:19:41,207
MELT?
743
00:19:41,231 --> 00:19:42,292
The Mormon club?
744
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,083
[ Chuckling ] Oh, damn.
745
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:49,208
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
746
00:19:49,292 --> 00:19:55,333
♪♪
747
00:19:55,417 --> 00:19:56,708
Oh, hot.
748
00:19:56,792 --> 00:19:58,208
You like those?
749
00:19:58,292 --> 00:19:59,561
Like you'd do things
750
00:19:58,292 --> 00:20:00,875
Yeah. Definitely.
751
00:19:59,585 --> 00:20:00,958
with those?
752
00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:02,542
Oh, my God. Perv.
753
00:20:02,625 --> 00:20:04,394
- Those are - your sister's knees.
754
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,250
Ew! Fuck! What? What?
755
00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:08,269
- Why is she even sending you - fake tit pics?
756
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:09,706
Quality control before
757
00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:11,083
they go to Jack.
758
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:13,457
'Cause they about to go
759
00:20:13,481 --> 00:20:15,792
boom-boom-boom in the bathroom.
760
00:20:15,875 --> 00:20:17,476
- Wait... Wait, he's actually - going to see her right now?
761
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,102
- What's wrong? - Uh... nothing.
762
00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:20,643
- I think I heard - something about him.
763
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:22,019
You know, like,
764
00:20:22,043 --> 00:20:23,417
some sort of... STD thing.
765
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,460
- Ugh. God. Yeah. So, - maybe you should tell her.
766
00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:26,977
- I-I think you should. - Nah.
767
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:28,792
Jack's an honors student.
768
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:30,019
That there is good, clean,
769
00:20:30,043 --> 00:20:31,208
academic dick.
770
00:20:31,292 --> 00:20:31,292
- She's fine. - But what if
771
00:20:31,292 --> 00:20:32,875
There is a shooter?
772
00:20:32,958 --> 00:20:34,309
- I mean, d-does she actually - want blood on her hands
773
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:35,393
- Just to catch a dick - or whatever?
774
00:20:35,417 --> 00:20:36,500
There is no way
775
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:38,477
I'm coming between her mouth
776
00:20:38,501 --> 00:20:40,417
and his junk.
777
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:42,186
Chester: Ugh!
778
00:20:42,210 --> 00:20:43,917
I'm so over this lockdown!
779
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,042
[ Indistinct conversations ]
780
00:20:46,125 --> 00:20:52,250
♪♪
781
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:54,125
You okay?
782
00:20:54,208 --> 00:20:55,894
Yeah. Just sometimes my heart
783
00:20:55,918 --> 00:20:57,625
beats too fast.
784
00:20:58,542 --> 00:20:59,769
- I don't really - know why.
785
00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:01,143
- They just have to - take it seriously
786
00:21:01,167 --> 00:21:02,309
- 'cause it's - near a school.
787
00:21:02,333 --> 00:21:03,333
Yeah, I know. I-I know.
788
00:21:03,417 --> 00:21:04,518
- It's not even - really about that.
789
00:21:04,542 --> 00:21:05,852
It's just, um,
790
00:21:05,876 --> 00:21:07,208
sometimes...
791
00:21:07,292 --> 00:21:09,227
- small spaces - kinda stress me out.
792
00:21:09,333 --> 00:21:10,935
- Probably comes from - being trapped in
793
00:21:11,042 --> 00:21:12,061
Too many rooms
794
00:21:12,085 --> 00:21:13,125
with arguing parents.
795
00:21:13,208 --> 00:21:14,810
- That sucks. - It's fine.
796
00:21:14,917 --> 00:21:17,125
It's just... you know.
797
00:21:20,167 --> 00:21:21,373
I'm sorry about
798
00:21:21,397 --> 00:21:22,625
the texts this morning.
799
00:21:22,708 --> 00:21:23,958
Huh?
800
00:21:24,042 --> 00:21:25,792
Oh. Please.
801
00:21:25,875 --> 00:21:27,790
I once texted, "I'm so wet"
802
00:21:27,814 --> 00:21:29,750
to my Dad by accident.
803
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,792
[ Both chuckle ]
804
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:33,602
Doesn't this morning
805
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,375
feel like 100 years ago?
806
00:21:35,458 --> 00:21:38,458
[ Sighs ]
807
00:21:38,542 --> 00:21:40,435
- I was such a bitch - to my mom.
808
00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:43,958
[ Exhales deeply ]
809
00:21:44,042 --> 00:21:45,248
Oh, wait. Shit.
810
00:21:45,272 --> 00:21:46,500
Fuck. Sorry.
811
00:21:46,583 --> 00:21:48,269
- No. No, it's fine. - I'm sorry.
812
00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:50,310
- I heard about your mom. - Seriously.
813
00:21:52,667 --> 00:21:55,332
This sounds so shitty,
814
00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:58,042
but it's just...
815
00:21:58,125 --> 00:21:59,456
less stressful,
816
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,833
her not being here.
817
00:22:00,917 --> 00:22:02,227
Why do you think I moved
818
00:22:02,251 --> 00:22:03,583
into the shed in my yard?
819
00:22:03,667 --> 00:22:05,500
[ Sighs ]
820
00:22:05,583 --> 00:22:07,167
It was all a mistake.
821
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:08,561
She actually
822
00:22:08,585 --> 00:22:09,917
has her papers.
823
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,518
- She's with her family - in Guadalajara
824
00:22:11,542 --> 00:22:12,790
Until they
825
00:22:12,814 --> 00:22:14,083
sort it all out,
826
00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:15,561
and secretly,
827
00:22:15,585 --> 00:22:17,000
I think she's okay, too.
828
00:22:17,083 --> 00:22:18,206
They all binge
829
00:22:17,083 --> 00:22:19,375
For real?
830
00:22:18,230 --> 00:22:19,458
"The Crown" together.
831
00:22:19,458 --> 00:22:20,581
Yeah, but she thinks it's
832
00:22:20,605 --> 00:22:21,750
like a telenovela,
833
00:22:21,833 --> 00:22:23,290
so, she's all like, "Ooh,
834
00:22:23,314 --> 00:22:24,792
La Reina, she's such a bitch.
835
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:27,075
- Season two, she's gonna totally - behead her husband."
836
00:22:27,125 --> 00:22:29,917
[ Both laugh ]
837
00:22:34,958 --> 00:22:37,333
Still?
838
00:22:37,417 --> 00:22:38,542
Yeah.
839
00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:39,875
[ Exhales deeply ]
840
00:22:39,958 --> 00:22:41,540
I had this whole
841
00:22:41,564 --> 00:22:43,167
heart-racing thing
842
00:22:43,250 --> 00:22:45,060
- after my mom - showed me "E.T."
843
00:22:45,167 --> 00:22:47,500
I hated that movie.
844
00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:49,458
I wish E.T. had died.
845
00:22:49,542 --> 00:22:50,958
Me too.
846
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,456
My mom, she would do
847
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:58,958
this rhyming thing,
848
00:22:59,042 --> 00:23:00,832
if I was, like,
849
00:23:00,856 --> 00:23:02,667
sick or something.
850
00:23:02,750 --> 00:23:04,248
She would go,
851
00:23:04,272 --> 00:23:05,792
"Sana sana, colita de Rana,
852
00:23:05,875 --> 00:23:07,019
si no sanas hoy,
853
00:23:07,043 --> 00:23:08,208
sanaras mañana."
854
00:23:08,292 --> 00:23:10,019
It was so dumb,
855
00:23:10,043 --> 00:23:11,792
but it worked.
856
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,186
And she would do
857
00:23:13,210 --> 00:23:14,542
this thing with my hand.
858
00:23:15,833 --> 00:23:17,750
What'd she do?
859
00:23:17,833 --> 00:23:25,833
♪♪
860
00:23:27,125 --> 00:23:28,665
Sana sana,
861
00:23:28,689 --> 00:23:30,250
colita de Rana,
862
00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:32,081
no sanas hoy,
863
00:23:32,105 --> 00:23:33,875
sanaras mañana.
864
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:39,602
Sana sana,
865
00:23:39,626 --> 00:23:41,167
colita de Rana,
866
00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:42,623
si no sanas hoy,
867
00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:44,042
That's nice.
868
00:23:42,647 --> 00:23:44,125
sanaras mañana.
869
00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:45,331
Sana sana,
870
00:23:45,355 --> 00:23:46,583
colita de Rana,
871
00:23:46,667 --> 00:23:48,311
si no sanas hoy,
872
00:23:48,335 --> 00:23:50,000
sanaras mañana.
873
00:23:50,083 --> 00:23:51,083
Sana sana...
874
00:23:51,167 --> 00:23:54,417
Oh, 'ack, I 'uv 'ur 'ock!
875
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:55,852
[ Muffled ]
876
00:23:55,876 --> 00:23:57,250
It is so hard!
877
00:23:57,333 --> 00:23:58,500
♪ Bitch, get off my wave ♪
878
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:00,042
♪ I got ways, I got hella ways ♪
879
00:24:00,125 --> 00:24:01,769
- [ Cellphone vibrates ] - [ Sighs ]
880
00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:01,875
- ♪ I got ways, - bitch, get off my wave ♪
881
00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:03,583
What?
882
00:24:03,667 --> 00:24:05,184
- Nathan: Hi, I know you're - probably gonna hate me,
883
00:24:05,208 --> 00:24:06,893
- But there's something I - have to tell you,
884
00:24:06,917 --> 00:24:06,917
- [ Knock on door ] - and I know you're
885
00:24:06,917 --> 00:24:08,333
Gonna be mad...
886
00:24:08,417 --> 00:24:08,417
- I can't talk. - I'm getting some.
887
00:24:08,417 --> 00:24:09,958
Wait!
888
00:24:10,042 --> 00:24:10,042
- Chester: But at least - we have our guns.
889
00:24:10,042 --> 00:24:11,708
Fuck!
890
00:24:11,792 --> 00:24:13,393
- Second Amendment. - [ Gunfire on cellphone game ]
891
00:24:13,417 --> 00:24:15,351
- Plus, if you think about it, - we're probably, like,
892
00:24:15,375 --> 00:24:16,727
The fifth-most-hated
893
00:24:16,751 --> 00:24:18,125
club on campus.
894
00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:19,581
I mean, any shooter
895
00:24:19,605 --> 00:24:21,000
is obviously going to
896
00:24:21,083 --> 00:24:22,894
- the Black Student - Union first.
897
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,644
No other group in America
898
00:24:24,668 --> 00:24:26,333
has had more violence
899
00:24:26,417 --> 00:24:27,542
inflicted upon them
900
00:24:27,625 --> 00:24:29,144
both systematically
901
00:24:29,168 --> 00:24:30,708
and interpersonally.
902
00:24:30,792 --> 00:24:32,936
Unless it's, like, some
903
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,125
immigrant-hating MAGA guy,
904
00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:36,540
'cause then he's
905
00:24:36,564 --> 00:24:37,917
going to MEChA first.
906
00:24:39,208 --> 00:24:40,248
Although, it could be,
907
00:24:40,272 --> 00:24:41,333
like, Hillel,
908
00:24:41,417 --> 00:24:43,144
if he's, like, more
909
00:24:43,168 --> 00:24:44,917
of a retro Jew-hater.
910
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,250
On the other hand...
911
00:24:47,333 --> 00:24:48,500
people do hate women.
912
00:24:48,583 --> 00:24:50,310
- [ Chuckles ] - Like, really hate them,
913
00:24:50,417 --> 00:24:52,833
So, Girls' League is an option.
914
00:24:52,917 --> 00:24:53,936
'Course, this room,
915
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,000
we got it all.
916
00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:57,667
We got black, brown, gay, girls.
917
00:24:57,750 --> 00:24:59,248
So, maybe for efficiency,
918
00:24:59,272 --> 00:25:00,792
they'll just come here.
919
00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:01,998
Multiple birds, one stone
920
00:25:02,022 --> 00:25:03,167
kinda type deal...
921
00:25:03,250 --> 00:25:04,727
- Nathan: - Can you just stop?
922
00:25:06,042 --> 00:25:08,125
It's not funny.
923
00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:09,727
What are you talking about?
924
00:25:09,751 --> 00:25:11,292
It's fucking hilarious.
925
00:25:11,375 --> 00:25:12,436
Also, the meaning of life
926
00:25:12,460 --> 00:25:13,542
is that it stops.
927
00:25:13,625 --> 00:25:14,958
Sam: Okay. Okay.
928
00:25:15,042 --> 00:25:16,540
Um, maybe, uh, time for
929
00:25:16,564 --> 00:25:18,083
some more music.
930
00:25:18,167 --> 00:25:19,769
- Riley: So, what are - we listening to?
931
00:25:19,875 --> 00:25:21,040
Fair warning,
932
00:25:21,064 --> 00:25:22,250
if it's Shawn Mendes,
933
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:23,733
- I'm going on - a shooting rampage.
934
00:25:23,833 --> 00:25:25,894
- Plus, he had those - racially insensitive tweets.
935
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:26,000
- Plus he sucks. - Okay, here,
936
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,583
Here, here.
937
00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:28,727
I'm gonna connect and
938
00:25:28,751 --> 00:25:29,833
randomly play something
939
00:25:29,917 --> 00:25:31,685
- from Spotify, okay? - There we go.
940
00:25:31,792 --> 00:25:34,125
♪ The sun is coming up again ♪
941
00:25:34,208 --> 00:25:36,144
- ♪ Lookin' like it's - gonna be a problem ♪
942
00:25:36,250 --> 00:25:37,227
♪ 'Cause I'd be ly... ♪
943
00:25:37,251 --> 00:25:38,251
[ Music stops ]
944
00:25:38,333 --> 00:25:39,653
- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.
945
00:25:39,750 --> 00:25:41,434
- I don't want to listen to - something basic.
946
00:25:41,458 --> 00:25:42,458
I don't. Like, why?
947
00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:44,060
- Like, why is life - always a fucking
948
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:45,498
Lowest-common-denominator
949
00:25:45,522 --> 00:25:46,875
compromise?
950
00:25:48,333 --> 00:25:50,042
Chester.
951
00:25:50,125 --> 00:25:51,458
Can I talk to you?
952
00:25:53,042 --> 00:25:55,208
Come... talk... to me.
953
00:26:00,542 --> 00:26:01,582
J, put on something
954
00:26:01,606 --> 00:26:02,667
everyone likes.
955
00:26:07,583 --> 00:26:09,042
Sit down a sec.
956
00:26:13,042 --> 00:26:19,625
♪♪
957
00:26:19,708 --> 00:26:21,102
- I know how stressful - this is.
958
00:26:21,208 --> 00:26:22,310
It's not stressful.
959
00:26:22,334 --> 00:26:23,458
It's just dumb.
960
00:26:26,708 --> 00:26:28,394
And then it turns out
961
00:26:28,418 --> 00:26:30,125
the school now rotocalls,
962
00:26:30,208 --> 00:26:31,917
so my Nonna did find out
963
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,810
- about this stupid - fucking lockdown
964
00:26:33,917 --> 00:26:35,518
- And is now all stressed, - 'cause besides
965
00:26:35,542 --> 00:26:36,936
Her douchey QAnon brother,
966
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,375
like, I'm all she has.
967
00:26:38,458 --> 00:26:39,581
Like, they did not need to
968
00:26:39,605 --> 00:26:40,750
do that to her.
969
00:26:40,833 --> 00:26:47,042
♪♪
970
00:26:47,125 --> 00:26:48,498
So, a poodle in
971
00:26:47,125 --> 00:26:49,917
Oh, come on!
972
00:26:48,522 --> 00:26:50,000
Buenos Aires fell...
973
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,123
Just listen.
974
00:26:51,147 --> 00:26:52,292
Just listen.
975
00:26:52,375 --> 00:26:53,727
A poodle in Buenos Aires
976
00:26:53,751 --> 00:26:55,125
fell 13 floors,
977
00:26:55,208 --> 00:26:57,477
randomly hitting a woman,
978
00:26:57,501 --> 00:26:59,792
killing both instantly.
979
00:26:59,875 --> 00:27:01,269
- While witnessing - the incident,
980
00:27:01,375 --> 00:27:02,977
Another woman
981
00:27:03,001 --> 00:27:04,625
gets hit by a bus.
982
00:27:04,708 --> 00:27:06,623
Meanwhile, a man saw
983
00:27:06,647 --> 00:27:08,583
the second woman's death,
984
00:27:08,667 --> 00:27:10,290
had a heart attack, and died
985
00:27:10,314 --> 00:27:11,958
on the way to the hospital.
986
00:27:12,042 --> 00:27:19,875
♪♪
987
00:27:19,958 --> 00:27:23,875
A pallbearer in Finland
988
00:27:23,958 --> 00:27:25,873
died tripping over a stone
989
00:27:25,897 --> 00:27:27,833
while carrying a coffin.
990
00:27:27,917 --> 00:27:33,833
♪♪
991
00:27:33,917 --> 00:27:39,833
♪♪
992
00:27:39,917 --> 00:27:43,333
A mother died of cancer.
993
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:51,375
[ Students laughing ]
994
00:27:51,458 --> 00:27:55,208
[ Indistinct conversations ]
995
00:27:55,292 --> 00:27:57,125
Riley: Oh, my God.
996
00:27:58,708 --> 00:27:59,894
-Oh, no. That is so gross.
997
00:27:59,918 --> 00:28:01,125
-Whoa!
998
00:28:01,208 --> 00:28:02,352
Doctor: soft-serve.
999
00:28:01,208 --> 00:28:03,542
pinching it so hard.
1000
00:28:02,376 --> 00:28:03,625
Oh, they're
1001
00:28:03,625 --> 00:28:05,185
- Nathan: - Is that blood? Oh, my God.
1002
00:28:05,292 --> 00:28:06,665
Doctor: Oh.
1003
00:28:06,689 --> 00:28:08,083
[ Laughter ]
1004
00:28:08,167 --> 00:28:09,227
Why is it
1005
00:28:09,251 --> 00:28:10,333
so satisfying?
1006
00:28:10,417 --> 00:28:12,101
- I think 'cause all - the nasty shit comes out.
1007
00:28:12,125 --> 00:28:14,040
Riley: Yeah, and it's, like,
1008
00:28:14,064 --> 00:28:16,000
pimples you can control.
1009
00:28:16,083 --> 00:28:17,250
Chester: What?
1010
00:28:17,333 --> 00:28:19,292
Together: Oh, my God.
1011
00:28:19,375 --> 00:28:21,102
Oh, no, no, no.
1012
00:28:21,126 --> 00:28:22,875
Oh, my God.
1013
00:28:22,958 --> 00:28:24,542
[ Alarm blares ]
1014
00:28:24,625 --> 00:28:26,227
- Woman on P.A.: - Lockdown has ended.
1015
00:28:26,333 --> 00:28:28,309
- Teachers and students, - may I have your attention?
1016
00:28:28,333 --> 00:28:28,333
- Lockdown has ended. - Nathan: It literally looks
1017
00:28:28,333 --> 00:28:30,375
Like a milkshake.
1018
00:28:30,458 --> 00:28:32,227
- Ugh. - [ All groan ]
1019
00:28:32,333 --> 00:28:33,769
It's dripping!
1020
00:28:32,333 --> 00:28:35,250
Aah!
1021
00:28:33,793 --> 00:28:35,333
It's dripping!
1022
00:28:35,333 --> 00:28:36,394
♪ I thought I came,
1023
00:28:36,418 --> 00:28:37,500
but I peed on the dick ♪
1024
00:28:37,583 --> 00:28:38,644
♪ Pubic hair got inches,
1025
00:28:38,668 --> 00:28:39,750
that's weave on the dick ♪
1026
00:28:39,833 --> 00:28:40,915
♪ Pussy like a tree,
1027
00:28:40,939 --> 00:28:42,042
it got leaves on the shit ♪
1028
00:28:42,125 --> 00:28:43,248
♪ Bang-bang this pussy,
1029
00:28:43,272 --> 00:28:44,417
Chief Keef with the dick ♪
1030
00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:45,519
♪ Climbing on that dick,
1031
00:28:45,543 --> 00:28:46,583
need a 10-feet ladder ♪
1032
00:28:46,667 --> 00:28:47,769
♪ I love the D,
1033
00:28:47,793 --> 00:28:48,917
that's my favorite ladder ♪
1034
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:50,331
♪ Sloppy Toppy for papi,
1035
00:28:50,355 --> 00:28:51,708
leave Sloppy Joe shook ♪
1036
00:28:51,792 --> 00:28:52,957
Is that a birthmark?
1037
00:28:52,981 --> 00:28:54,167
Yeah.
1038
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:55,831
♪ I can make
1039
00:28:55,855 --> 00:28:57,458
your dick stand up ♪
1040
00:28:57,542 --> 00:28:59,143
- ♪ Are you ready? ♪ - ♪ Like Statue of Liberty ♪
1041
00:28:59,167 --> 00:29:00,917
Oh, my fucking God!
1042
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,458
♪ So hard ♪
1043
00:29:02,542 --> 00:29:03,665
♪ Tap the head of the dick,
1044
00:29:03,689 --> 00:29:04,833
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
1045
00:29:04,917 --> 00:29:06,837
- ♪ Head of the dick, - duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
1046
00:29:06,917 --> 00:29:09,184
- ♪ Get that dick up and runnin' - when he fuck this cooch ♪
1047
00:29:09,208 --> 00:29:10,477
♪ Covered in all my cum, the
1048
00:29:10,501 --> 00:29:11,792
dick be lookin' like a goose ♪
1049
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:12,936
♪ Head of the dick,
1050
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:14,042
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
1051
00:29:14,125 --> 00:29:16,045
- ♪ Head of the dick, - duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
1052
00:29:16,125 --> 00:29:18,351
- ♪ Get that dick up and runnin' - when he fuck this cooch ♪
1053
00:29:18,375 --> 00:29:19,561
♪ Covered in all my cum, the
1054
00:29:19,585 --> 00:29:20,792
dick be lookin' like a goose ♪
1055
00:29:20,875 --> 00:29:21,977
♪ Twat so wet, you could
1056
00:29:22,001 --> 00:29:23,125
take a cruise on it ♪
1057
00:29:23,208 --> 00:29:24,310
♪ Suckin' yo' neck till
1058
00:29:24,334 --> 00:29:25,458
I leave a bruise on it ♪
1059
00:29:25,542 --> 00:29:27,862
- ♪ Let you eat the pussy, - just don't use a spoon on it ♪
1060
00:29:27,917 --> 00:29:29,851
- ♪ Put it in a box like you - 'bout to move on it ♪
1061
00:29:29,875 --> 00:29:31,852
- ♪ This that submarine pussy, - Mr. Clean pussy ♪
1062
00:29:31,958 --> 00:29:33,393
- ♪ This that I'm 'bout to fuck - you longer ♪
1063
00:29:33,417 --> 00:29:34,792
♪ Than a limousine pussy ♪
1064
00:29:34,875 --> 00:29:36,768
- ♪ High self-esteem pussy, - it's a dream pussy ♪
1065
00:29:36,792 --> 00:29:39,309
- ♪ If you're broke than a pussy - actin' funny like a meme pussy ♪
1066
00:29:39,333 --> 00:29:41,184
- ♪ Easy Bake Oven and this pussy - so similar ♪
1067
00:29:41,208 --> 00:29:42,394
♪ Touchin' your head but it
1068
00:29:42,418 --> 00:29:43,625
ain't checkin' a temperature ♪
1069
00:29:43,708 --> 00:29:46,102
- ♪ Got that dick on lock - like a motherfuckin' prisoner ♪
1070
00:29:46,208 --> 00:29:48,059
- ♪ Nut in my pussy hair, - jumpin' on your dick ♪
1071
00:29:48,083 --> 00:29:50,351
- ♪ Tell your grandma sew my pussy - since you split open my slit ♪
1072
00:29:50,375 --> 00:29:52,769
- ♪ Coochie guaranteed to put you - to sleep so damn soon ♪
1073
00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:55,115
- ♪ Ridin' on that dick, - I'm readin' "Goodnight Moon" ♪
1074
00:29:55,208 --> 00:29:56,894
- ♪ Vending machine, - vending machine ♪
1075
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,143
- ♪ Can't eat it 'til there's - money between, money between ♪
1076
00:29:59,167 --> 00:30:00,227
♪ This pussy is a vending
1077
00:30:00,251 --> 00:30:01,333
machine, vending machine ♪
1078
00:30:01,417 --> 00:30:02,790
♪ Can't eat it 'til there's
1079
00:30:02,814 --> 00:30:04,208
money between, money between ♪
1080
00:30:04,292 --> 00:30:06,394
- ♪ Vending machine, - vending machine, oh, yeah ♪
1081
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,434
- ♪ Vending machine, - vending machine, oh, yeah ♪
1082
00:30:08,458 --> 00:30:10,518
- ♪ Can't eat it until there's - money between, money between ♪
1083
00:30:10,542 --> 00:30:11,873
♪ This pussy is a vending
1084
00:30:11,897 --> 00:30:13,250
machine, vending machine ♪
1085
00:30:13,333 --> 00:30:17,042
♪♪
66725
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