Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

Ah, the last small sip of beer, always terrible.

Hey, I'll catch you guys later, I'm heading out.

Leaving early on a Saturday?

I think someone has a lady friend, huh?

Huh?

-Huh? -Ow! My dormant tricep!

There's no girl. I, I...

I just like watching the classic SNL that comes on before the new SNL.

And tonight, the classic SNL is...

Deion Sanders with musical guest Deion Sanders? No, that can't be right.

Sadly, it is right.

He sang songs from his album, Prime Time.

Come on, Quagmire, tell us who the girl is.

You're the only one of us who can date.

We live bi-curiously through you.

Yeah. That's our penis.

Sorry, guys, but this one's top secret.

Forgot that a homeless guy sits out front.

He's very yelly tonight.

Huh, it's not like Quagmire to hold out on us.

There must be a reason.

Yeah, we got ourselves quite a mystery.

Could even be an episode of Murder She Wrote

with Angela Lansbury and Paul McCartney.

Well, she's dead.

She sure is, Paul.

You're Paul. I'm Angela.

And one of us either looks like an old woman or an old man.

That's the real mystery.

Is James Corden nice?

Not really, no.

Okay, Brian, I'll crack a window so you can wait in the car.

Ha! You can't come in 'cause you're a freakin' dog!

Come on, you can't leave me here. It's inhumane!

Sorry, those are the rules.

They only let in humans and squirrels.

-What? -I'm just kidding.

Bye, babe. [blows kisses]

Alright, Stewie, hold my hand while I get our reusable bags from the trunk.

Calm down. Where am I gonna run? The market?

It's not like it's mango season.

-[bell dings] -[gasps]

The mango bell?

[man over PA] Attention shoppers, mangos will be ripe

for the next two-and-a-half minutes.

[crowd clamoring]

-I've gotta get in there! -[gasps]

-[tires screeching] -[gasps]

Wow, that was close.

I've never killed someone outside the hospital.

Oh my God, Stewie!

You could have been run over!

Sorry, I was texting while driving.

Unfortunately, your husband derd.

Whoops, oh no, I meant...

Ah, she haha'd it.

Yeah, she's a good sport.

Okay, Quagmire said he can't go to the Clam tonight,

so I bet he's meeting that mystery woman again.

Yep, now, I know you fellas haven't been on a stakeout before,

but I've been on a ton of them.

So, I just want to mentally prepare you for how long these things...

Oop, there he is.

[car starts]

Alright, let's tail him.

And this high-speed adventure calls for a classic action movie theme!

♪ I'm romancing the stone ♪

What is this?

It's Eddy Grant's theme to Romancing the Stone.

This is stupid.

I'm finding another song.

♪ They do what they want to do, say what they want ♪

What the hell is this?

"Addams Groove" by MC Hammer.

It's the theme song to The Addams Family movie.

It went to number four in Ireland.

And this is better?

Your guy just keeps saying the name of the movie!

I'm turning mine up.

Then I'm turning mine up!

Will you guys please turn off your terrible theme songs?

[both] Sorry, Joe.

Guys, I think Quagmire's getting away.

Yeah, look, Joe. He's making a right.

Don't worry, I'm on it.

I'm running over stuff at The Forum this Sunday.

You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.

Hey, Lois. I'm taking Stewie to the park.

Come on, Bri, I need a post that will make Lance think I'm outdoorsy.

Hold on, before you go, I got something.

Yes! You're gettin' leashed!

Ah, I'm going to film my reaction in slow-mo.

It's for Stewie.

[slow-mo] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

After that close call at the store,

I want to make sure he cannot run away again.

So, I bought this.

It's a child harness.

That's not a harness, it's a leash!

A harness is something Rupert and I use on my birthday.

I thought you two also use a leash.

Well, I guess someone's been listening at the door.

No, you texted me.

Well, either way, I demand this be taken off at once!

Children don't belong in leashes.

Just like Bill Burr doesn't belong in The Mandalorian.

I've located the child.

He's on an Empire ship.

I'll assemble a strike team.

I'll jam the ship's radar.

And I'm gonna go whiz in a Gatorade bottle 'cause I don't trust space toilets.

Uh, which part of space are you from again?

[Bill] South space!

[doorbell rings]

Quagmire, come on, we tee off in an hour.

Don't worry, I'll register us online to save time.

Name? Joe Swanson.

Handicap? Yes.

Quagmire, let's go!

[door creaks open]

Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Ooh, he must be with the mystery girl.

-I bet she's married. -Or famous.

Oh, my God!

Quagmire and the Librarian?

[shushes]

Quagmire and the Librarian?

Wow! At the library, I guess Quagmire's been checking out more than just books.

[laughing]

Come on, don't encourage him.

I can't believe it.

Yeah. And she's got BB-8 underwear.

Lois said they don't make those!

Guys, I'd appreciate if you'd leave now.

Yeah, sure, let me just tie my shoe.

Peter, is that R2-D2 underwear?

Yeah, they're old and stupid.

You and the Librarian.

I don't get it.

Yeah, did, like, a bully dare you to invite her to prom

and then it turned into something more?

Or, your boss is a family man,

and you're just pretending to date her to get the big promotion?

No, there's no '90s movie premise involved!

See, this is why I didn't want to tell you guys about her.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Then, help us understand, Glenn.

Show us your world.

Dammit Peter, you just had chicken wings!

I just like her, okay.

She's nice, she's smart.

And when you ask her where she wants to eat dinner,

she always has a clear, confident answer.

-No way! -You lie!

It's true! And it's nice to date someone where I can relax and be myself.

I don't even have to hide my moderate-to-severe plaque psoriasis.

You have plaque psoriasis?

Well, I did before Skyrizi.

♪ I can't see me lovin' nobody but you ♪

♪ For all my life ♪

[male announcer] Skyrizi may cause general douchery,

like spinning at weddings and sky hooking paper into trash cans.

Thanks, Skyrizi!

Now my elbows are ugly for the same reason as everybody else.

And that's not even the best thing about her.

Believe it or not, fellas,

she's the best I've ever had in bed.

The Librarian?

Yeah, she spent the last 30 years sitting at a reference desk,

reading back issues of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

That means she's read over four million tips on how to please her lover.

You know, you guys would like her if you'd just give her a chance.

I don't know. Us?

Hang out with a librarian?

Yeah, I don't think we're a match.

Like William Wallace and the guy who wouldn't wear face paint.

They may take our lives,

but they will never take our...

Hey, where's your face paint?

I can no wear it.

I have the plaque psoriasis.

Or at least, I did before Skyrizi.

♪ I can't see me lovin' nobody but you ♪

Now this is freedom!

Ugh, this thing is so humiliating.

Ah, it's not a big deal.

I'm sure no one will even notice.

Oh, crap! It's Jake from my gym,

boxing an MMA mannequin.

Stewie?

Uh, hey, Jake. Just, uh, doing some resistance training.

Heard about it on Rogan.

Nice. Love Rogan.

Yes, he's for the vanguard of independent thinkers

who also have seven hours a day to listen to a shaved ape.

Okay, Brian, I think I covered nicely there.

I'm gonna go play.

Oh! What the hell?

Uh, looks like we got our leashes tangled.

Sorry about that. My little guy doesn't always look where he's going.

Uh, Brian, I think he's trying to establish dominance.

Ah, he's just being friendly.

Sir, sir?

You cannot sniff back there.

Alright, that's it. Two can play at this game, tough guy.

[sniffs]

Wow, you're six.

[sniffs]

And from Denver?

Huh, there's a lot of information in butts.

I get it now.

I'm so excited to be here with you guys!

Okay, good start, shows energy.

Peter, this isn't a tryout.

Sorry. So, Elle, uh...

Hey, what are your arm tattoos?

Oh, those are my three babies that never came to term.

Oh, wow. Uh...

Uh, yeah, maybe, maybe uh...

maybe you just long sleeve it.

Or don't say it.

Yeah, sleeve it or don't say it.

Oh, I stopped sleeving when I started Skyrizi.

Enough with Skyrizi!

Do Taco Bell! At least they're a sponsor!

So, uh, anyway, on the way here,

Elle was saying how much she likes beer.

No, I didn't. I said the library masturbator ruined another atlas.

Ah!

Okay, look. This ain't working.

Elle, we're regular guys.

You're a librarian, all right?

I don't know the first thing about libraries,

except that the atlases are sexy.

Hell, I only even go to the library for the puppet show 'cause I like King Puppet.

You mean this puppet?

[gasps]

Quagmire, I love her.

You hit it out of the park.

Hey, do you know the guy who does Prince Puppet?

Yes, but the prince is a little shy.

Oh my God, how is this happening?

I'm just Peter Griffin!

Well, Peter may like you.

But good luck winning over the Joe.

Aren't you the cop who hid in the library when he heard "shots fired"?

Never mind, you won the Joe.

[chuckles] I also believe in essential oils.

Would anyone like eucalyptus for their nose?

No, that's stupid.

Ooh! [chuckles]

That's nice.

I can see why women make this crap their whole personality.

Ah, this is great.

I'm so glad you guys are getting along.

We sure are. [gasps]

And I love this eucalyptus.

I feel like Koala Peter.

Hey Mum, I'm gonna pick some of these Tasmanian berries.

[thuds] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oi Crikey! Me peepers!

I'm meaner than you think.

[kids chattering]

Connor, no! No!

All right, you can sniff the hydrant.

Aidan, no jumping!

I said no jumping!

Ah, never make your hobby your job.

Ooh, Brian, they have a movie with animals singing!

Pass. Hi, do you have anything with any of the girls from Euphoria?

Oh, come on!

Miley Cyrus plays a sassy giraffe!

Demi Lovato also plays a sassy giraffe!

And Halsey plays...

Oh, you know, I think it's a movie about giraffes.

Listen, if you're looking to be a creep,

all I can offer you is Jennifer Connelly in Hot Widow.

Yeah, that works.

How dark does the theater get?

Sir, movie theaters are a failing business,

you can do whatever you want.

No! Animals singing!

Stewie, enough! We're not seeing animals singing!

Ow! Okay, we'll...

We'll see yours instead.

Wow!

After all this time of putting up with your snide comments

and domineering attitude, I'm finally in control.

All right, let's go see my movie!

Yes, Brian.

Whatever you want.

Too late. They just turned this place into pickleball courts.

-What? -[people clamoring]

[male announcer] Movie theaters! What a debacle!

Thanks for bringing Elle the other night. She's really something.

She sure is.

I don't get my shirt dry-cleaned for just any date.

This weekend, I'm asking her to make our relationship official.

Why don't you just ask her now, when she gets done kissing that other guy?

[kissing]

What?

Elle, what are you doing?

[chuckles nervously]

Glenn.

Hi.

Well, the top stars of puppetry are often unfaithful.

You knew the risks.

God, this is so humiliating.

Captain Quagmire?

Nestor? The guy with batons who directs my plane to the gate?

Oh, God! This is...

This is even more humiliating!

Actually, I'm called a "marshaller."

Yeah, I don't think that's a real term, but I can't believe this.

Thank God other pilots don't hang out here.

Glenn Quagmire and the marshaller?

Okay, I guess that is a term.

Oh, Glenn. [chuckles nervously]

I'm sorry to have to tell you like this,

but I just, I don't think you and I are working out.

What? Why?

We get along great!

I know. [laughs]

The problem is in bed.

You've just, you've never given me an orgasm.

What?

Calling all cars,

we have a man ripped to pieces at 42 Maple.

Heartbroken, guts pulled right out.

Suspect is a saucy librarian.

A strangler got away 'cause I was goofin' on the radio.

Hey, guys.

Hey, you hear about Glenn Quagmire?

Can't pleasure a woman.

Peter, that's me!

Oh, sorry, I thought I was somewhere else.

Anyway, we haven't told anyone.

How ya doin', buddy?

Well, you know, it was a shock at first, but I'm starting to adjust.

I've gotten really into running ten Ks, I garden now,

and I even bought season tickets for the Orioles,

since that's what guys who can't satisfy women do.

[car honks]

-What's that? -My new car.

I traded in my convertible for a Toyota Yaris.

Sign here that you're incapable of satisfying a woman.

[sighs]

Great, and I'm so sorry, you now own a Yaris.

-I also got a nice text from Josh Charles. -What?

When a guy can't please a woman, he gets a text from Josh Charles.

He's kind of the leader of our community.

Okay, well, I guess things aren't so bad then.

Of course they are!

I hate my life now!

I can't even be a pilot anymore because the passengers don't respect me.

Bye now. Thanks for flying.

Ma'am, can I help you get off?

Hmm! Not from what I hear.

[Peter laughs]

I was also on that flight.

And then I got a cease and desist order

from the people who license the word "giggity."

-What? -It's a standard franchise agreement,

but apparently it can only be used by men who can satisfy their partners.

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna trim this overgrown bush.

Go... Go...

Oh God, what am I gonna do?

[crying]

[phone dings]

Thanks, Josh.

[crying hysterically]

Guys, we have to do something.

Yeah, we gotta help him get his mojo back.

Come on, Quagmire, let's get you up.

Yeah, I hate seeing you like this.

And I wanna know who the hell has "giggity" right now.

Giggity!

You know what? Good for the giggity people.

Embracing change.

Uh, Stewie, do I need to take out the leash?

Sorry, Bri.

So, listen, I have to change my flight and I need you to wait on hold for me.

Oh, come on! That'll take forever!

[clears throat]

[sighs]

[♪ muzak playing]

This is Celia, how may I help you?

Oh, thank God. My name is Brian Griffin.

I'm calling about Flight 432 to Chicago.

Tell her I want a flight with zero male flight attendants.

That's what I'm calling for?

And, and I want to sit next to a half-Asian chick.

How would they even know that?

I heard your requests.

You are now on flight 376.

And sitting next to Grace Thompson-Woo.

-Really? -Yes.

We do this all the time for James Franco.

All right! Now call Ticketmaster.

[sighs]

[man] You've reached Ticketmaster.

Good luck, douchebag.

[male announcer] Ticketmaster, what a debacle!

Alright, Quagmire, we're going to tell you everything we know about lovemaking

to help you excite women again.

Yeah, and everything I know, I learned from amateur porn.

Do you have a Jacksonville Jaguars hat you can put on backwards?

I don't think this is helpful, Peter. I want to have real sex.

Oh, well, then the key is to eat a giant steak,

and then fall asleep on top of Lois. She loves that.

Or maybe try some scented body butter.

I rub some on before relations with Donna.

By the end of the night, she's like Yosemite Sam with two guns.

She says I have the rootin'est-tootin'est,

girthiest-sturdiest, most positively elephantiest

jackhammer in all the West.

Okay.

Or hey, maybe you're just not a sex guy anymore?

Maybe you date the girls, but another fella steps in for, uh, the sex.

That's what Bon and I do. [chuckles]

This poor sap's upstairs nailing my wife,

meanwhile I'm in the basement, knocking out Frasier's left and right.

Guys, this has been spectacularly unhelpful.

Well, what do you want us to do? You're the sex guy in the group.

Not anymore I'm not.

Thanks for trying, but...

Let's be honest, I'm old.

I'm washed up.

My days of pleasing women are behind me.

You guys can let yourselves out.

I think I'm gonna take a nap.

Who else but Quagmire?

What'd you say to me?

You heard me. Who else could hit on my wife for 20 years?

Quagmire.

Who else could sleep with my first wife?

Quagmire.

So, don't you give me this crap that you're old and washed up.

You'll never be. And you know why?

'Cause who else but Quagmire?

I'll tell you who else, no one!

I'm gonna go out there, get my mojo back,

and then I'm giving Elle the time of her life!

[door opens]

[car starting]

[male announcer] The Toyota Yaris, what a debacle!

Ah, it's a great day for a walk.

Uh, yeah, yeah. When the wind made that fence rattle, you...

-You did a good job barking at it. -Thank you.

It was a crisis and I feel like I took charge.

Hey, what do you say we take another lap around the block?

Oh, I don't know. I'm really tired now,

and my diaper lost contain.

Come on, we're taking another lap.

Please! Rupert and I ate at a cantina last night.

I don't care, Stewie!

I have the leash, so I'm in control!

Ah! [thuds]

Okay, well, two dogs are disappointed in me.

And they should be.

Look at me.

I've become a power-hungry, inhumane dog owner that I despise.

I'm sorry, Stewie.

I never should have treated you like this.

You don't need a leash.

You need to be free.

Really?

That's right, pal.

Ooh! The ice cream truck!

-[car screeching] -[thuds]

Ow! Did you see the driver?

It was Caitlyn Jenner again.

God! How is Caitlyn Jenner still allowed to drive?

That was practically manslaughter!

More like they/them slaughter.

You know what? I don't think we're qualified to talk about this.

[knock on door]

Glenn?

Hello, gorgeous!

These are for you.

I took your criticism to heart,

and I'm here to let you know, I've upped my game!

I have more stamina, more flexibility,

and you know that trick where someone ties a knot with a cherry stem?

[coughs]

Dammit, ow.

That was much more painful than I thought it'd be.

Oh, I don't know, Glenn. [chuckles]

Are you sure you can handle me?

Better question.

Can you handle me?

All right, let's load him in!

What happened?

O.I.A.

Orgasm Induced Aneurysm.

Poor guy slept with someone out of his league.

I gotta say, his elbows look perfect.

Thanks, Skyrizi.

[birds chirping]

Well, Elle may not have worked out,

but a lot of women still enjoy my company.

I guess Elle was just too much woman for me.

And perhaps anyone.

[♪ slow music playing]

[thuds]

Hi, I'm John Mayer.

I put my skinny arms in a t-shirt today to let you know that every year,

over a 1000 men die from an Orgasm Induced Aneurysm, or O.I.A.

Every guy wants sex to be mind-blowing but not like this.

So, please, donate to stop O.I.A. today,

and help us make every man's body a wonderland.

Should I play the song now?

No, the guy was from Boston, so we're gonna do that screaming,

shanty rock that makes Bruins fans punch each other in the face.

[♪ Shipping Up to Boston playing, Dropkick Murphys]

[grunting]