Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:04,631
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,714 --> 00:00:07,934
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:11,846
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:15,016
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:17,986
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:21,648
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,848 --> 00:00:23,066
I All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,266 --> 00:00:24,326
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,526 --> 00:00:30,073
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:37,125
We now return
to Jeopardy Presents:
11
00:00:37,325 --> 00:00:39,215
"The Best of Contestant Banter."
12
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:42,335
So, Ben, it says here
you have a connection to milk.
13
00:00:42,535 --> 00:00:44,045
Yes, funny story.
I discovered recently
14
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:45,722
that l have an allergy to milk.
15
00:00:45,922 --> 00:00:49,676
So l guess we won't
be eating any cheese around you.
16
00:00:49,876 --> 00:00:52,812
And Dennis, you once spent
a night in a tent?
17
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:55,265
So, uh, what do you guys got
planned for the weekend?
18
00:00:55,465 --> 00:00:57,684
I don't know. l might sit
out in the front yard
19
00:00:57,884 --> 00:00:58,985
with a rake and
wave at cars.
20
00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:00,899
Yeah, and l found a hole
in my fence
21
00:01:01,099 --> 00:01:02,814
I was gonna maybe
stick stuff through.
22
00:01:03,014 --> 00:01:03,740
God, look at us.
23
00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:05,692
How'd we become so dull
and pathetic?
24
00:01:05,892 --> 00:01:06,368
You're right.
25
00:01:06,568 --> 00:01:07,827
I mean, we used
to have hobbies.
26
00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:09,696
Remember when l was
a horse whisperer?
27
00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:14,576
Shh, shh, shh.
28
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:21,082
That's right.
I bet you're hungry.
29
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,458
It's okay.
30
00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:26,921
That calmed you down,
you horse.
31
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:28,139
Maybe it's time
the three of us
32
00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:29,924
do something exciting
to shake things up.
33
00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:31,426
Hey, now that's
a good idea, Joe!
34
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,094
All right, okay,
I have two ideas.
35
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,408
One that l think is awesome,
36
00:01:34,608 --> 00:01:35,522
and one that l think
is stupid.
37
00:01:35,722 --> 00:01:37,432
See if you can guess
which one is which.
38
00:01:37,473 --> 00:01:42,103
We could either
A) Rob a Mafia poker game,
39
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,613
or B) Skydive.
40
00:01:43,813 --> 00:01:45,861
Skydiving, huh?
I'd be totally up for that!
41
00:01:46,061 --> 00:01:48,109
Yeah, l've always wanted
to try skydiving!
42
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:49,986
Really? Eh, could be fun,
I guess.
43
00:01:50,186 --> 00:01:51,946
Besides, l haven't done
anything new
44
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:53,706
since l learned
to use a palm frond.
45
00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:56,117
So do l try
to match your speed?
46
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,727
Yeah, just match my speed.
47
00:01:57,927 --> 00:01:59,445
And do we stagger
our waves
48
00:01:59,645 --> 00:02:00,964
or do 'em
at the same time?
49
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:02,915
Um, they should've covered this
in orientation.
50
00:02:03,115 --> 00:02:05,293
Guards, have
the new guy executed!
51
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,794
Am l the new guy?
52
00:02:10,048 --> 00:02:12,133
All right, we're almost at
our jumping altitude.
53
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,560
Does anyone have
any questions?
54
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,137
Yeah, l got one. Can l listen
to my iPod on the way down?
55
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,564
Of course. Just as long
56
00:02:17,764 --> 00:02:19,557
as it's not
Tom Petty's "Free Fallin"'.
57
00:02:19,757 --> 00:02:21,142
I'Il just keep
it in my pocket.
58
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,185
Any other questions?
59
00:02:22,385 --> 00:02:23,319
Let's do this!
60
00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:27,190
That wasn't a question.
Back of the line.
61
00:02:27,390 --> 00:02:28,566
Okay, let's do this!
62
00:02:28,766 --> 00:02:30,326
Hey!
63
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:31,886
Whoa, is that
Harrison Ford?
64
00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:33,446
Yeah. It said in
the brochure
65
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,265
that he assists
with all the jumps.
66
00:02:36,465 --> 00:02:39,202
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
67
00:02:39,402 --> 00:02:41,129
Get off my plane!
68
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,831
Oh, look, he even brought
Calista Flockhart with him.
69
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:46,292
Uh, Peter, l think that's
just a piece of paper.
70
00:02:46,492 --> 00:02:47,960
Good, 'cause
she looked fat.
71
00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:50,013
Get off my plane!
72
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,465
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
73
00:02:52,665 --> 00:02:54,017
All right!
74
00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:56,019
Yeah! This is amazing!
75
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:57,645
I know,
it's unbelievable!
76
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,223
Hey, guys, let's try
to re-create this feeling
77
00:03:00,423 --> 00:03:02,225
for the rest of our lives,
with drugs.
78
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,188
Oh, it looks like
it's almost time
79
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:09,032
for us to pull our cords.
80
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:10,533
Wait, wait, guys.
How about this?
81
00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:13,236
Last one to open their chute
gets 20 bucks.
82
00:03:13,436 --> 00:03:14,946
Okay.
I'm in.
83
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:19,117
Damn it!
84
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,129
I'm dead already, Peter.
85
00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,923
You're looking
at a dead man.
86
00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:28,126
I might not even pull
the cord at all.
87
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,716
Holy crap, this is awesome!
88
00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:37,760
I haven't felt a rush like this
since l won that marathon!
89
00:03:43,141 --> 00:03:44,150
I'm Bob Costas,
90
00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:45,893
here with Boston Marathon
winner Peter Griffin.
91
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,228
Peter, how did you do it?
92
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:48,071
I'Il tell ya, Bob.
93
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:49,906
I just got in my car
and drove it.
94
00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:52,859
And when there was a guy
in my way, l killed him.
95
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:58,239
Kids, have you seen
your father?
96
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,250
Hello?
97
00:04:00,450 --> 00:04:02,577
Is dinner almost ready?!
98
00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,078
Yes, Peter.
God, where are you?
99
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,046
I can barely hear you.
100
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,498
Pull back my chair
ever so slightly.
101
00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:12,128
Daddy's home.
102
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:17,767
All right, it's 4:59.
In just a few seconds,
103
00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:21,262
all the unreturned library books
will be officially late.
104
00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:26,017
The wieners was already drawed
in the books when l got 'em.
105
00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:32,482
"Libra: A strange man will
drop into your life." Hmm.
106
00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:39,280
"Pisces: Be careful
at work today."
107
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:50,066
Go, go, go, go,
80, go, go, go, go...
108
00:04:50,266 --> 00:04:52,794
Aw! He so shoulda died!
This is bullcrap!
109
00:04:52,994 --> 00:04:53,970
Stop smiling.
110
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:56,798
90% of the people
playing this are pooping.
111
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:02,303
Hey, Lois, when are you
gonna do the laundry?
112
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,730
I got, like, six
parachutes in there.
113
00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:06,140
Peter, those things are choking
up the washing machine.
114
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,433
Oh, so now l got you
a bad washing machine
115
00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:08,943
for Christmas.
116
00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,144
Little tip, Stewie:
117
00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,146
Love dies, and
that's okay.
118
00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:14,507
I write down all his advice
in a little notebook.
119
00:05:14,707 --> 00:05:17,026
Yesterday's was, "I've
never seen a pigeon die
120
00:05:17,226 --> 00:05:18,319
"from eating food
on the ground,
121
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,154
so what's the big whoop?"
122
00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:21,889
Peter, this skydiving thing
has gotta stop.
123
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,583
You've destroyed half
the neighborhood.
124
00:05:23,783 --> 00:05:26,160
And l'm afraid you're
gonna really hurt yourself.
125
00:05:26,202 --> 00:05:27,086
I'm sorry, Lois.
126
00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:28,630
But skydiving is
who l am now.
127
00:05:28,830 --> 00:05:30,465
It's like they say,
fish gotta swim,
128
00:05:30,665 --> 00:05:33,334
birds gotta fly,
and gay guys gotta criticize
129
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,336
the host of the party
behind his back.
130
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,338
Oh, my God, look,
a bowl of M&M's.
131
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,640
What are we, six?
132
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,842
I know. And remind me
to get the recipe
133
00:05:41,042 --> 00:05:42,301
for those chopped-up
hot dogs.
134
00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:46,022
Oh, my God, Josh,
this party is so amazing!
135
00:05:46,222 --> 00:05:49,166
Everything is perfect!
We're having so much fun!
136
00:05:49,366 --> 00:05:52,311
Oh, thanks! l'm so glad
you guys could make it!
137
00:05:52,511 --> 00:05:54,230
Come on. He saw us.
Let's go.
138
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,785
First time?
139
00:05:58,985 --> 00:06:00,161
Yeah.You?
140
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:03,114
No.
No, not my first time.
141
00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:05,992
Thanks for the lift, Gil.
142
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,743
I think l'Il take
the express down.
143
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:27,063
Ah, just as gorgeous as ever.
144
00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:30,725
Actually puts me in the mind
to write a spoken word poem.
145
00:06:30,925 --> 00:06:33,019
Am l falling or am l flying?
146
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,629
Am l living or am l dying?
147
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,157
O, Great Spirit, free me
148
00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:41,110
from the bonds of gravity
and criticism.
149
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:43,237
Deliver me
from my greatest enemy.
150
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,706
His name is Peter.
151
00:06:44,906 --> 00:06:48,284
More specifically,
Peter's Shyness In Public.
152
00:06:48,484 --> 00:06:50,036
O, Great Spirit,
153
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,538
why do l hold myself back
in such situa...?
154
00:06:52,738 --> 00:06:55,291
Oh,
the ground!
155
00:06:55,491 --> 00:06:57,844
Damn it!
156
00:06:58,044 --> 00:06:59,220
The Eiffel Tower?
157
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,847
Oh, cool, l'm in Paris!
158
00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:04,050
Hey, look at that douchebag
who got stabbed in the butt!
159
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,928
Aw, crap, l'm in Vegas.
160
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:14,610
Well, Peter, l'm glad
you're all right,
161
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,313
but l hope this is the end
of your skydiving career.
162
00:07:17,513 --> 00:07:18,239
Yeah, l'm sorry, Lois.
163
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,570
You know, when l thought
I was gonna die,
164
00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:22,702
I saw my whole life flash
before my eyes,
165
00:07:22,902 --> 00:07:25,371
and we did way too much
Star Wars crap.
166
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,199
I should get the kids home.
It's way past dinner.
167
00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:29,751
What she really means is
168
00:07:29,951 --> 00:07:31,878
that it's shaky Mommy's
white wine time.
169
00:07:32,078 --> 00:07:34,080
Let's go, kids! Come on!
We really gotta go, kids.
170
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,089
Let's go! Come on!
171
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,775
Excuse me. Now that
your family is gone,
172
00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:40,223
would you mind if
we turn on the TV?
173
00:07:40,423 --> 00:07:42,672
Oh, hey. l didn't know
anyone was here.
174
00:07:42,872 --> 00:07:43,973
I, uh, l was just kidding
175
00:07:44,173 --> 00:07:46,092
when l told my family
I loved 'em.
176
00:07:46,292 --> 00:07:46,768
I am Mahmoud.
177
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,370
I'm Peter. You know,
I never seen a hat
178
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,973
like that before,
so l'm very scared of it.
179
00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:53,483
No, this is just
a taqiyah.
180
00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,234
It's a traditional
Muslim prayer cap.
181
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:58,229
Oh. Hey, you know who'd look
funny wearing one of those?
182
00:07:58,429 --> 00:08:00,168
The Monopoly guy.
183
00:08:00,368 --> 00:08:01,908
Correct!
184
00:08:02,108 --> 00:08:04,110
Go directly to jail
and convert to Islam!
185
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:06,320
'Cause they do that!
186
00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,326
Yes,
that is what l intended.
187
00:08:08,526 --> 00:08:10,491
Hey, you're all right,
Mahmoud.
188
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,751
You, too, Peter.
189
00:08:11,951 --> 00:08:13,853
So, what do you
wanna watch?
190
00:08:14,053 --> 00:08:15,755
Well, if you turn on
Channel 14,
191
00:08:15,955 --> 00:08:18,165
we can probably catch the end
of Muslim Looney Tunes.
192
00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:23,504
As a pig, l am very dirty
193
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:26,173
and should not be touched
by humans.
194
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,978
So, how was
the hospital, Peter?
195
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,814
Oh, my God,
that place was incredible.
196
00:08:33,014 --> 00:08:36,142
They have this one jar, whole
thing was full of cotton balls.
197
00:08:36,342 --> 00:08:39,020
It's amazing how far
medical technology has come.
198
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:41,313
Well, sure is good
to have you back.
199
00:08:41,513 --> 00:08:42,615
Joe is, uh...
200
00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:45,818
chattier than you'd think
he'd be when you're not here.
201
00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:46,702
Look, l'm just saying
202
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,616
if "pro" is the opposite
of "con",
203
00:08:48,816 --> 00:08:50,531
what is the opposite
of "progress"?
204
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:51,374
Think about it.
205
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:52,834
You know, l actually had
206
00:08:53,034 --> 00:08:54,518
a pretty good time in
the hospital.
207
00:08:54,718 --> 00:08:56,003
I even made a new friend.
You did?
208
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,957
In fact, l told him to swing by
if he had time.
209
00:09:00,157 --> 00:09:01,042
It's "congress."
210
00:09:01,242 --> 00:09:02,009
Hello, Peter!
211
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,670
Oh, hey! You made it!
Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud.
212
00:09:04,870 --> 00:09:06,338
Mahmoud, this is Brian,
Quagmire and Joe.
213
00:09:06,538 --> 00:09:07,139
Hello.
Hi, there.
214
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,716
Hey, there. Hello. How are you?
215
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:09,892
Have a seat.
216
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:11,894
Any friend of Peter's is
a friend of ours.
217
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:14,221
Hey, Mahmoud, you know,
I'm actually glad you're here.
218
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,848
Settle an argument
we were having earlier.
219
00:09:16,048 --> 00:09:17,099
Which Spanish chick has
better jugs:
220
00:09:17,299 --> 00:09:19,026
Salma Hayek
or the other one?
221
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,604
Oh, but l do not pay
attention to such things.
222
00:09:21,804 --> 00:09:22,989
I am married.
What?
223
00:09:23,189 --> 00:09:24,282
Okay, well,
how about this, Mahmoud?
224
00:09:24,482 --> 00:09:26,358
You know "progress" has
the word "pro" in it, right?
225
00:09:26,558 --> 00:09:27,410
Shut up, Joe!
226
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,987
Hey, you guys, come on.
Let's get the man a drink.
227
00:09:30,187 --> 00:09:31,280
What are you having?
228
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,573
How about a ginger ale?
229
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:35,367
But if you'Il excuse me,
right now l have to go
230
00:09:35,451 --> 00:09:38,370
bring great shame to myself
by using the restroom.
231
00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:39,559
Isn't he great?
232
00:09:39,759 --> 00:09:40,548
No, he's weird.
233
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,049
Why'd he order
a ginger ale?
234
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:43,880
And who the hell doesn't
look at jugs?
235
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,511
Yeah, and he's got
his cell phone clipped
236
00:09:45,711 --> 00:09:48,380
to his belt like he's some
kind of big shot on vacation.
237
00:09:48,580 --> 00:09:50,391
Oh, l see what's going on.
238
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,760
You guys are uncomfortable with
Mahmoud because he's Muslim.
239
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,312
What? What are you
talking about?
240
00:09:54,512 --> 00:09:56,314
This is your post-9/11 racism
talking.
241
00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:59,100
I, for one, think it's great
that Peter has enough
242
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:01,068
of an open mind
to have a Muslim friend.
243
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:04,105
You know, a lot of dogs
just sit outside, tied to poles.
244
00:10:04,305 --> 00:10:05,573
Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay?
245
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:08,609
So he's Muslim.
Every culture has its quirks.
246
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,611
Italian guys talk
with their hands a lot,
247
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:11,954
Irish guys drink a lot,
248
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,782
black guys change their shirts
while they tell you a story.
249
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,700
So, how's Bernadette?
She's all right.
250
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,619
She's taking interior
design classes
251
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,962
down at the
community college.
252
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,248
I mean, she's good at
haircutting and everything.
253
00:10:22,448 --> 00:10:24,291
They gave her the chair
right by the door.
254
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,718
But l guess now
she wants
255
00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:27,569
to hang plates on the
wall or whatever.
256
00:10:27,769 --> 00:10:29,421
And you know she gained
the weight back
257
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:30,422
from the Lap-Band,
right?
258
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:32,299
That Bernadette
and her pie.
259
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,634
You know it, brother.
260
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:36,303
Okay, l'm gonna go eat this
steak in the bathroom.
261
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,638
Thanks for getting
dinner, man.
262
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:46,755
Wow, this place is
really cool, Mahmoud.
263
00:10:46,955 --> 00:10:49,241
It's like ear-bloodening
sounds had sex
264
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,319
with nose-bloodening smells
and this is their baby.
265
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:53,871
I am glad
you are enjoying yourself.
266
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:56,082
Would you like some
of my meat fooshnoosh?
267
00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:58,826
It's a chicken that has
been yelled at for two hours
268
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,661
and then run over
by a Mercedes.
269
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,129
Mmm! Mmm! Oh!
270
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,456
You can really taste
the fear in the chicken.
271
00:11:04,656 --> 00:11:05,383
You know, Peter,
272
00:11:05,583 --> 00:11:07,293
a lot of people are
not as accepting
273
00:11:07,493 --> 00:11:08,761
of Muslim culture
as you are.
274
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:10,963
Well, l think everything
about it is the best.
275
00:11:11,163 --> 00:11:12,098
Like this hookah.
276
00:11:12,298 --> 00:11:13,949
I mean, who doesn't want
to sit around a table
277
00:11:14,149 --> 00:11:15,801
with a bunch of guys and
suck on the same thing?
278
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,915
Mmm, it's like smoking
my grandfather's jacket.
279
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,685
Man, l wish l could stay
here all night, Mahmoud.
280
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:25,987
But l'm supposed
to pick up
281
00:11:26,187 --> 00:11:27,313
the dry cleaning
before it closes.
282
00:11:27,513 --> 00:11:29,106
I killed a mouse
with my tie.
283
00:11:29,306 --> 00:11:29,991
Nonsense.
284
00:11:30,191 --> 00:11:31,483
I'Il have my wife
pick it up for you.
285
00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:32,860
What?
She'd do that?
286
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,787
Oh, absolutely.
287
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:37,239
I need you to run an errand
for my friend Peter.
288
00:11:37,439 --> 00:11:38,124
Of course.
289
00:11:38,324 --> 00:11:40,242
Anything for you,
husband.
290
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,169
That was amazing.
291
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,246
She just listened
to everything you said.
292
00:11:44,446 --> 00:11:45,247
Of course she listened.
293
00:11:45,447 --> 00:11:46,173
In Muslim culture,
294
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,375
wives are much more obedient.
295
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:49,552
No way!
That's awesome!
296
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,378
So wait, let me
get this straight:
297
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:52,680
Sweet hat, obedient wife,
298
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,341
and l get to shout
"Admiral Akbar"
299
00:11:55,541 --> 00:11:56,183
when l do stuff?
300
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,261
You, sir, have got
yourself a Muslim.
301
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:05,818
Peter, where
are you going?
302
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:07,319
And why are you
dressed like that?
303
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:09,155
Well, Lois, l happen
to be a Muslim now,
304
00:12:09,355 --> 00:12:11,232
which means l'Il be
spending a lot of my time
305
00:12:11,432 --> 00:12:13,234
in mostly-empty cafes,
watching soccer
306
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,131
on an eight-inch
black-and-white TV.
307
00:12:15,331 --> 00:12:16,829
Yes! The team l like
is kicking it!
308
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:18,868
Oh no! The team l don't like
is kicking it!
309
00:12:19,068 --> 00:12:20,889
Yes! The team l like
is kicking it again!
310
00:12:21,089 --> 00:12:22,910
I will celebrate
with finger cymbals.
311
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,213
Hey, is that for real,
312
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,541
that-that "Diarrhea Only" sign
on your bathroom?
313
00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:33,971
Peter, this is my friend Omar.
314
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:36,048
He can teach you many things
about our faith,
315
00:12:36,248 --> 00:12:37,654
including how to ululate.
316
00:12:37,854 --> 00:12:39,260
What's that?
It's this:
317
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,229
Oh, my God!
That's terrifying.
318
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:43,555
I don't know if
I'm ready for that.
319
00:12:43,755 --> 00:12:44,732
No, Peter, it's okay.
320
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,734
Just sing the
beginning of "La Bamba,"
321
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,690
but don't say the "La Bamba" part.
Oh, okay.
322
00:12:48,890 --> 00:12:50,446
Yes, good job!
323
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:51,939
You're doing it!
I Bamba.
324
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,565
Ooh, so close.
325
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,070
All right, Lois,
I'm off to the bazaar.
326
00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,071
What do you mean?
327
00:12:59,271 --> 00:13:00,113
You mean the market?
328
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:00,956
Yeah, the bazaar.
329
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,574
Well, if you're
going to the market,
330
00:13:02,774 --> 00:13:03,375
can you pick
up some cereal,
331
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:04,952
some butter, and
a loaf of bread?
332
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,412
I'Il see what
they have.
333
00:13:06,612 --> 00:13:07,963
All right, Lois.
334
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,707
Here's six cobras,
a bolt of silk,
335
00:13:09,907 --> 00:13:10,833
and a ram's horn.
336
00:13:11,033 --> 00:13:11,759
Peter, what the hell?
337
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,961
Hey, can you help me
with the 20 paper bags
338
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,137
of dates l got in the car?
339
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:17,798
Why the hell would you
get 20 bags of dates?
340
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,967
The monkey in the little
vest who was selling them
341
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,302
happened to be
very persuasive.
342
00:13:21,502 --> 00:13:22,469
You know what?
343
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:23,229
Fine.
344
00:13:23,429 --> 00:13:24,772
I'm just gonna
assume this will pass,
345
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:28,058
like your "everywhere is a
racquetball court" phase.
346
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,488
So, Mike, now that you've
thoroughly kicked my butt
347
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:42,998
all over the court,
what do you say we take
348
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,367
one quick second to talk
about the Wichita account?
349
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:47,169
And let me assure you,
my racquetball game
350
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,205
is no indication of how we do
business here at J.T. Stern.
351
00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:52,958
Okay, zero serving zero.
352
00:13:55,336 --> 00:13:56,633
I have to say, Peter,
353
00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:57,930
lam impressed by how much
354
00:13:58,130 --> 00:13:59,631
you have committed
yourself to Islam.
355
00:13:59,831 --> 00:14:00,808
Are you kidding?
It's awesome.
356
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,634
I even started wearing
leather sandals
357
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,061
with way-too-long
toenails.
358
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,846
See how the big ones
are getting yellow?
359
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,523
Ah, yes, very Muslim.
360
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,142
Listen, Peter, some
friends of mine and I
361
00:14:10,342 --> 00:14:11,443
are getting
together tonight
362
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,395
and we wanted to invite
you to join us.
363
00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:15,156
O.M.A.
364
00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:16,323
lam so there!
365
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,924
Whose crappy van
should we take?
366
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,526
Actually, we are
meeting here.
367
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,487
Follow me.
368
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,081
Oh, hey, you guys.
369
00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:25,332
Hey, is anyone
gonna object
370
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,534
if l pick my nose
with a dagger?
371
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:28,889
Mahmoud,
who is this man?
372
00:14:29,089 --> 00:14:30,380
Why would you
bring him here?
373
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:31,872
Do not worry.
This is Peter.
374
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,248
He believes
in our cause.
375
00:14:33,448 --> 00:14:34,457
How can
you be sure?
376
00:14:34,657 --> 00:14:35,667
Give him the test.
377
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:38,846
Who is better?
378
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,423
Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik?
379
00:14:41,623 --> 00:14:43,550
Um, the Iron Sheik?
380
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,677
Okay. He is one of us.
381
00:14:45,877 --> 00:14:46,353
I told you.
382
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,372
Look at him,
he is the perfect man
383
00:14:48,572 --> 00:14:50,391
to help us blow up
the Quahog Bridge.
384
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:54,190
Ah! Oh my God!
385
00:14:54,390 --> 00:14:55,396
Everybody down!
386
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:59,066
So are these toys just, like,
to take?
387
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,907
Hey, guys, what football
team should l like?
388
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:07,875
Mahmoud says
we all need
389
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:10,665
to act like we're fans
of American football
390
00:15:10,865 --> 00:15:13,455
so we seem less...
b-buh... buhspicious.
391
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:14,957
What?
What are you talking about?
392
00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:16,008
I'm talking about Mahmoud.
393
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,548
You know, l actually feel
really bad for him.
394
00:15:18,748 --> 00:15:21,088
Did you know he knew 19 guys
who died on 9/11?
395
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,527
I mean, what are the odds?
396
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:23,872
Peter, l think
you joined
397
00:15:24,072 --> 00:15:25,217
a terrorist
sleeper cell.
398
00:15:25,417 --> 00:15:26,602
What?! That's crazy.
399
00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:28,595
Look, l'm gonna
call Mahmoud right now
400
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:29,930
on this cell
phone he gave me.
401
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:30,931
He'Il tell you.
402
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,605
Damn phone's busted.
403
00:15:34,805 --> 00:15:35,811
Maybe l dialed wrong.
404
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,941
Peter, please stop trying
to call Mahmoud.
405
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:41,909
This is very
serious.
406
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,735
Your friends
are terrorists.
407
00:15:43,935 --> 00:15:44,787
Think about it.
408
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:46,451
They're... they're
meeting in secret,
409
00:15:46,651 --> 00:15:48,115
they're creating
cover stories...
410
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,625
Oh, my God, you're right!
411
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:51,743
See, l told you
Mahmoud was bad news!
412
00:15:51,943 --> 00:15:53,244
Those guys are
all bad news.
413
00:15:53,444 --> 00:15:54,546
Hang on there,
Quagmire.
414
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,748
Just because these few
guys are terrorists
415
00:15:56,948 --> 00:15:58,050
doesn't mean
all Muslims are.
416
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,527
Every ethnic group
has their nut-jobs.
417
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,805
We have the Unabomber,
Timothy McVeigh,
418
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,840
and even that fat guy
at the Atlanta Olympics
419
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,633
who didn't do it,
but he looked mean,
420
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:07,768
so we said he did.
421
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,095
Joe, you don't get to talk
about the regular Olympics.
422
00:16:10,295 --> 00:16:11,689
Well, l gotta go
down there right now
423
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:13,474
and tell Mahmoud we can't
be friends anymore.
424
00:16:13,674 --> 00:16:14,441
Wait a minute, Peter.
425
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,768
This could actually
be an opportunity.
426
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:18,645
You're already
in their group.
427
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:19,780
They trust you.
428
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,278
If you can find out what
they're planning next,
429
00:16:22,478 --> 00:16:24,776
we might actually be able
to stop an act of terror.
430
00:16:24,976 --> 00:16:26,078
You'd be a hero.
431
00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:28,664
Well, l...
I could try.
432
00:16:28,864 --> 00:16:30,411
I mean, l am a
pretty good actor.
433
00:16:30,611 --> 00:16:32,098
Remember how upset
I seemed to get
434
00:16:32,298 --> 00:16:33,785
when Lois said she
was leaving town
435
00:16:33,985 --> 00:16:34,962
with the kids
for a few days?
436
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:37,664
Oh, my God, l'm gonna
miss you guys so much.
437
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,166
Don't forget to call
and let me know
438
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,168
exactly when
you'Il be back.
439
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,294
Get out.
440
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:47,850
Okay, you're all set.
441
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,969
Remember, we'Il be in the van
listening to everything,
442
00:16:51,169 --> 00:16:52,146
so if anything goes wrong,
443
00:16:52,346 --> 00:16:53,972
we'Il pull you right
out of there.
444
00:16:54,172 --> 00:16:54,815
Don't you worry, Joe.
445
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,667
I'Il blend in
like a chameleon
446
00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:58,519
in Courtney
Love's crotch.
447
00:16:58,719 --> 00:16:59,820
Oh my God!
448
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,235
Where did you
just come from?
449
00:17:02,435 --> 00:17:04,650
A very, very
bad hiding place.
450
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,663
Okay, before we get started,
451
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,032
I have an announcement
from headquarters.
452
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,334
"No more shorts."
453
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:15,994
And this isn't coming from me,
this is management.
454
00:17:16,194 --> 00:17:17,538
This is about me, isn't it?
455
00:17:17,738 --> 00:17:18,839
They don't name names.
456
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:22,376
They just say,
"No more shorts," okay?
457
00:17:22,576 --> 00:17:24,044
All right, this is our target.
458
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:24,970
The Quahog Bridge.
459
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:26,847
We loaded a van
with explosives,
460
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,674
which we will drive
to the bridge and...
461
00:17:28,874 --> 00:17:30,425
Wait a minute- explosives?
462
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,177
Is this not improv class?
463
00:17:32,377 --> 00:17:33,115
No.
464
00:17:33,315 --> 00:17:33,854
Is...
465
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:34,730
is this improv?
466
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:36,190
Are you doing improv?
467
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,267
No. Now get out that door!
468
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,063
The real door!
469
00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:45,741
Yes, l have a question:
470
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:48,193
When exactly are we
doing the bombing?
471
00:17:48,393 --> 00:17:49,611
The attack will
happen tomorrow
472
00:17:49,811 --> 00:17:50,829
during afternoon
rush hour.
473
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:52,748
And that's actually where
you come in, Peter.
474
00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,909
In order to get past the
checkpoint at the toll plaza,
475
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,245
we will need an American
behind the wheel
476
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,581
to arouse the least amount
of suspicion.
477
00:18:00,781 --> 00:18:01,757
Sorry, can you repeat all that?
478
00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:03,959
I just had an itch
right by my microphone.
479
00:18:04,159 --> 00:18:05,085
Microphone?!
480
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,462
He's wearing a wire!
481
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,243
Hey, Joe, can l ask
you a question?
482
00:18:13,443 --> 00:18:14,794
Can you fart? Oh,
of course l can.
483
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,346
I've got a button
for it right here.
484
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,057
Aw, cool!
485
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,736
Hold on. Oh, no!
486
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,605
It sounds like they
found Peter's wire!
487
00:18:24,805 --> 00:18:26,031
Change of plans.
488
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,734
The attack happens now.
489
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:37,418
Now drive.
490
00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:39,453
Man, l never thought
it would end like this.
491
00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:40,921
Why, what did
you imagine?
492
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:44,124
Basically the same thing,
only Nathan Lane.
493
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:47,127
Now, drive!
494
00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:01,224
Okay, you're
good to go.
495
00:19:05,354 --> 00:19:07,147
Pull over up here.
496
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,652
Please, Mahmoud,
don't do this.
497
00:19:11,852 --> 00:19:12,578
It is too late.
498
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:13,829
The job must be done.
499
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,581
Look, l know you're mad
at our government,
500
00:19:15,781 --> 00:19:18,492
but you gotta realize,
that's only part of America.
501
00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:19,835
We're the land of the free
502
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:21,995
and the home of the sunburnt,
freckled fat guy.
503
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,205
A place where Jenny McCarthy
has a role
504
00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:26,541
in the debate over
childhood vaccinations.
505
00:19:26,741 --> 00:19:28,877
A country where you can walk
into any IHOP
506
00:19:29,077 --> 00:19:29,970
and see black women fighting.
507
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,381
And where Ubu is considered
a good dog
508
00:19:32,581 --> 00:19:33,474
even though he never sat.
509
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,476
We're the proud nation
where someone can
510
00:19:35,676 --> 00:19:37,478
shoot up their entire workplace
with a thing,
511
00:19:37,678 --> 00:19:40,514
and then the next day nobody
talks about banning that thing.
512
00:19:40,714 --> 00:19:42,662
It's the land that
lets people on Twitter
513
00:19:42,862 --> 00:19:44,591
spell the word "their"
any way they want.
514
00:19:44,791 --> 00:19:46,320
And where, if you think
you can dance,
515
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,189
that assertion will be
challenged and evaluated.
516
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:50,690
For we...
517
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:51,992
are America.
518
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,202
You will not convince me.
519
00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:56,029
America must pay for its sins!
520
00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:01,034
Hold it right there!
521
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,376
Mahmoud, you're under arrest.
522
00:20:05,576 --> 00:20:07,791
Look, Joe,
I drove a van.
523
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:16,717
Oh, Peter,
I'm so glad you're okay.
524
00:20:16,917 --> 00:20:18,143
Oh, me too, Lois.
525
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,620
That was some
pretty rough stuff.
526
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,898
You... you didn't
cry, did you?
527
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:25,183
Well, l mean, l went
through an awful lot.
528
00:20:25,383 --> 00:20:27,728
Peter, if you cried,
we are done.
529
00:20:27,928 --> 00:20:28,987
Great job, Peter.
530
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:31,565
Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are
behind bars,
531
00:20:31,765 --> 00:20:33,233
and every middle-class Arab
in this town
532
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:34,713
is now under suspicion.
533
00:20:34,913 --> 00:20:35,994
So what
happens next,
534
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,846
do those guys
all get trials?
535
00:20:38,046 --> 00:20:39,498
Well, you know...
536
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:43,076
It's a long... it's the
process, and... whatever.
537
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:43,919
Well, what do
you guys say
538
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,954
we all go celebrate
at the Clam?
539
00:20:46,154 --> 00:20:47,005
That's a great idea.
540
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:49,082
Yeah, l think we could
all use a drink.
541
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:50,980
Tell you what,
let me call Horace
542
00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:52,878
and tell him to
get our table ready.
543
00:20:54,755 --> 00:20:57,883
Peter, did you just... Let's
go, let's go, let's go...39288
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof