All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S11E13.480p.WEB-DL.x264-Sticky83

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's,,, a,,,
Fam,,, ily,,, Guy!

All right, class,
today we're going

to be talking about variables,

(kids laughing)

Okay, it's iust a rear end,

We all have one,

Mine iust happens to be
a hot Brazilian woman's,

Ho, we're not laughing at you,

We're laughing at
Griffin's shoes,

Why, what's wrong with them?

I don't even know
what those are,

What's "Teslik"?

Um, I'm not sure,
but my mom says they're

very popular
with Latvian athletes,

Running, throwing,
lifting big things,

Teslik,

That's all right with me, man,

AHHOUHCER:
Each shoe sold separate.

Are they really that bad?

(laughs): Are you kidding?
They're terrible,

Man, high school is rough,

This year it's sneakers,

Last year it was all about
being overweight

and wearing a baseball cap,

Hey, guys,
sure hope we win

the big game
on Saturday,

Get lost,
Dork,

Yeah, gain some
weight, will ya?

(laughing)

Oh, of all the years
to be trim and well-hatted,

That was a fun birthday
party, huh, Stewie?

That kid was Indian
and 11 years old,

Where are you
finding my friends?

Oh, someone's a
little cranky,

Here, let me put
on the radio,

Talkin' 'bout the club

Lookin' round
the club

Fimpin' at the club

Fmphasizing "club,"

Yuck, this
is awful,

AHHE MURRAY: Or am I really
lying here with you?

My God, who is this enchantress?

Baby

You take me in your arms
Oh, isn't that cute?

My little Stewie
likes Anne Murray,

She sounds like an angel,

It's like her voice is putting
my entire body in her mouth,

And, oh, I

Just fall in love again

Just one touch and then
it happens every time

And there I go, I

Just fall in love again

And when I do

I can't help myself

I fall in love with you,

(music fades)

You like that, Stewie?

You like
Anne Murray's music?

Do I?

I've never known
such happiness,

This must be what
it's like for you

when you're buying potatoes
or scraping your heels

or smushing on makeup
for a sad night out,

AHHOUHCER: this portion
of the Channel S Hews at 6:00

is brought to you buy condoms.

Put us on backwards
a little bit,

then put us on the right way.

Mom, Dad, I need to
get new sneakers,

What? I iust bought you
new sneakers,

I know, but I
need cooler ones,

Shut up, and stop complaining,

When I was your age,
I didn't even have sneakers,

We wore stale hamburger buns,

Ho, you didn't, Feter,

Shh, he doesn't know that,

He's iust a dumb, fat loser,

Did you see his shoes?

Look, Chris, I'm sorry,
but money's tight right now,

Yeah, I even had
to take a second iob

as a door-to-door
vacuum salesman,

This thing can pick up anything,

Here's a little demonstration,

I'll pour some wine,
rub in some feces,

and, to top it off,
some mustard mixed with feces,

Tough stain, right?

Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum,

(crickets chirping)

(Anne Murray singing "Snowbird")

All right, Rupert, you ready to
get lost in some Anne?

Gentle breezes where
the peaceful waters flow

spread your tiny wings
and fly away

And take the snow
back with you

Where it came from
on that day

The one I love forever
is untrue

And if I could, you know
that I would fly away with you

Yeah, if I could, you know
that I would fly-i-i-i-i

Away with you,

(song ends)

What a woman,

To think Canada's got her,

and we have Kelly Clarkson going
to town at a Waffle House,

That's it,
I'm getting those sneakers,

After all, shoes make the man,

Gentlemen, take your marks,

(pistol fires)

(crowd cheering)

I'm a different kind of winner,

Oh, come on, Dad,
there's no cash in here,

Just a bunch of cards that say,
"I farted on your car,"

with his insurance info,

(moans sadly)

Busted,

Geez, it's so weird
that Mom and Dad

would leave the house
without their purse and wallet,

I wonder where they are?

Can I get you anything else?

Uh, two more
Cokes, please,

Could you excuse me?

(keypad beeping)

(phone rings)

Hello,

Damone, it's Feter,

I'm at my date and I left
my wallet at home,

Will you please borrow
your mom's car,

drive to my house,
get my wallet,

and bring it back here?

Damone, are you there?
Damone?

Yeesh, I'm really kind of busy,

Come on,
iust do me this one favor,

All right,
but you owe me for this one,

Oh, thanks, Damone,

And that was the last
we ever saw of him,

Well, well, well,

Who do we have here?

It's me, Chris,
you know me,

Why are you talking
like a bad guy?

Listen, I saw you steal
money from Mom's purse,

Oh,,,

Well, I was iust trying
to get new sneakers,

You're not going to
tell on me, are you?

Well, that depends,
On what?

How about, I won't tell
Mom and Dad about the money

if you promise to
do whatever I say,

Meg, this is how a
lot of porn starts,

I mean it, Chris,

I'll tell them,

Mom, Chris took
money out of the,,,

Okay, okay, okay,

I'll do whatever you want,

I thought you'd
see it that way,

Here's a list of stuff
I need you to do for me,

Shouldn't have taken
that money, Chris,

Fh, she's right,
I'm a horrible person,

I'm only one
step above those people

who really like dive bars and
really need you to know it,

I love this place,
I love dive bars,

Dive bars are my favorite,

They're so much better
than regular bars

because worse is better,

I know, right?

They're my favorite, too,

I'm quirky like that,

I've got quirky taste,

I'm a quirky girl,

It seems like we would be
perfect for each other,

But really we're
terrible for everyone,

AHHF MURRAY:
And though I,,,

What the hell?

Are you listening
to Anne Murray?

Uh, I am experiencing
Anne Murray,

Why? That music
is complete crap,

Um, excuse me?

It's all iust vapid,
overproduced tripe,

It has no edge whatsoever,

Yeah, neither does a
soft summer breeze,

or a letter from
an old friend,

I'm pretty sure
envelopes have edges,

Fine, an e-mail, Dick,

Whatever, You know what?
I don't care,

I think Anne Murray sucks,
and that's my opinion,

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm going to make

a believer out of you, Brian,

I am going to show you the true
meaning of Anne Murray,

Don't waste your time,
I'm not going to change my mind,

I don't know, Bri, I can
make things happen

when I want to,

Just ask my twin brother,

(grunting)
And here's baby boy number one,

I understand you've decided
to name him Stewie,

One more to go,

And here he,,, oh,

Oh, dear,

Oh, no,
did Dave not make it?

Okay, Meg,
I've cleaned your room

and I did your homework,

Can I be done now?

Oh, no, there's a
lot more things

I need you to do for me,

There are?
Like what?

Well, now you
have to watch

An Gfficer and
a Gentlemen with me,

And that's it?

(laughs)
Ho,

At the end,
when Richard Gere

carries Debra Winger
out of the paper mill,

you have to read what's
on this index card,

(on TV): Love lift us
up where we belong,,,

(crying)

That's going to be
you some day, Meg,

I know it will,

I iust know it will,

Okay, Chris, I want
to wear contacts,

but I'm too squeamish
to put them in myself,

so you need to help me,

Really?
Is it that hard?

My eyes are
too sensitive,

It's like they
overreact or something,

Okay,

Ah, what happened
to your eye?!

Don't worry about it,
Just put the lens in,

But where do I put it?

The pupil's gone,

Your eye iust looks
like a ping-pong ball,

I think it rolled
up into my head,

Look, iust,,, iust
do the other one,

(screaming)

You look like one of
those blind iazz guys,

Where are you?
I can't see anything,

(screaming)

I don't like this,

Just wear your
stupid glasses,

Chris, I'm blind,

I'm sorry, Meg,

(crying)

What the hell
is all this?

This is history, Brian,

A key moment in the
history of happiness,

Have a seat,

(sighs)

(piano plays gently)

I cried a tear

You wiped it dry

I was confused

You cleared my mind

I sold my soul

You bought it back for me

And held me up

And gave me dignity

somehow you needed me

You gave me strength

To stand alone again

To face the world

Out on my own again

You put me high

Upon a pedestal

So high that I could almost
see eternity

You needed me

You needed me,,,

(song ends)

(sniffles)

Some hardcore
(bleep), right?

Wow, thank you
for turning me on

to something
so amazing,

Hey, I'm iust glad
you enioyed it,

And I'm sure
Buzz Lightyear

would have enioyed it if he
had bothered to show up,

Hey, how would you like
to go to my apartment,,,

and beyond?

Okay, Meg,
I stood outside

Flanned Farenthood
for 36 hours

and here are
the pictures

of every girl in
your class who went in,

All right, good,

How I want you
to call them

as if you're
their dead baby,

Ho way, that was the last
thing on your list,

I-I can't do this anymore,

Well, you should've
thought of that

before you stole money out
of Mom's purse,

I own you,

How, here's my
post office key,

I need you to
go downtown

and get the stuff
from my F,O, box,

You-you don't get
your mail here?

Ho, I get a lot of
private correspondence

from the Hetherlands,

Like what?

Like, I'm part
of a group that

kind of trashes Anne
Frank's house every year,

You know what?
Ho, That's it,

I'm not-I'm not doing
any more of your crap, Meg,

Chris, don't you see?
You have no choice,

I'll iust go tell Mom
and Dad about the money

and they'll ground
your ass for a year,

I don't care, tell them,

'Cause I'm not even
going to be here,

I'm going to run away and
no one will ever see me again,

Good, go,

And who's even
going to miss you?

You're iust a
little thief,

Where you going, Chris?

Who are you going to turn to?

You don't even have any friends,

(doorbell rings)

Hi, I ran away from home,

Do you mind if I live with you?

Live with me?

My goodness, I feel like

I want to pinch myself
to see if I'm dreaming,

Hot dog, it's real,

Mr, Herbert, it's 6:00,
I'm-I'm not really tired yet,

Well, you had those
three cups of Hyquil,

You'll be down
soon enough,

Okay, good night,
Mr, Herbert,

Sweet dreams, Chris,

Mr, Herbert, what's
life really all about?

Well, I suppose it's
about trying new things;

sampling the sweet
and the savory;

not being afraid
to take everything

life wants to
throw up on into ya,

Wow,

I never looked at it
like that before,

Thanks, Mr, Herbert,

But don't you
think it's scary

to try new things?

Ho, Chris,

Life is like a
new baseball glove,

At first you think

you're never going to get
a ball in there,

But then you oil it up,
work your fingers

around in there a little,
and pretty soon

you're pitching and catching,

I guess that
makes sense,

(farting)

CHRIS:
Sorry,

You really know how
to waste a Cialis,

don't you?

AHHF MURRAY:
The snowbird sings the song

He always sings,,,

You know,
this is definitely

a mystery song for me,

It's so upbeat,
but the lyrics are so dark,

I'm-I'm sorry, are we both
listening to "Snowbird,"

as recorded by
Miss Anne Murray?

Yeah, the woman
in the song

is trying to cope
with getting older

and she feels
trapped because

she knows she can't
do anything about it,

Ho, no, no, no,

I mean, you're right that
she's feeling trapped,

but the message
is positive,

It's about being trapped
in a bad relationship

and having the guts
to get out of it,

Ho, no, See, what I hear,
is that the woman

is starting to hate life,

You know the line, "How I feel
such emptiness within"?

Yeah, I know the song,

Well, Anne Murray feels old,

And then, to make things worse,

the snowbird comes
around every year,

bringing the snow, or "death,"

to remind her that no matter
what she does,

her fate's already written,

Brian, the snowbird has nothing
to do with time or fate,

Well, I disagree,

Look, there's only one
way to settle this,

Only the artist knows the
true meaning of their art,

How, Ms, O'Keefe, the flowers
in your paintings,

what do they represent?

Oh, wow,
that's a really good question,

(sucks air)

La, la, la,,,

(blathering)

Mm,,, (blathering)

(blowing raspberries)

Oh, hi, Meg,

Could you tell Chris
breakfast is ready?

Oh, um, I-I-I think
he got up early,

He, um, said something
about a fat kid rally

at Little Caesars,

Huh, it's not like Chris
to miss breakfast,

Oh, don't worry, Mom,

I,,, I'm sure
he'll be home later,

Well, I hope so,

We were supposed
to go to the library

to wipe boogers
in fancy books,

I like to wipe mine
in Bronte novels,

It's like a time bomb to
gross out lonely chicks,

Oh, Heathcliff,

Oh, come on,

I want so little,

Chris, what did you
do with my video tapes?

I had a whole system,

I was trying to find a
good movie to watch,

I've never even heard of
most of these,

"Jeffrey at the Fark,"

"Mikey's Scoliosis Fxam,"

"Hephew Somersault Compilation,"

Well, even if you
never heard of them,

I assume you heard
of the alphabet,

You want to explain to me how
"Sammy Fopsicle"

comes before "Happing, Various"?

Geez, I'm sorry,

Well, can we
watch "Lost Boys"?

I've heard of that one,

Those,,, those are
different lost boys,

(whistling "Snowbird")

Are you whistling
"Snowbird"?

Yeah,

That's awesome,

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
why do you get to ring it?

Because I was
into her first,

(doorbell rings)
Let's flip for it, or,,,

I can't believe
you did that,

I cannot believe
you iust did that,

(doorbell rings)
Will you stop it,

She's going to
think we're weird,

Hi, Can I help you?

Hi, Miss Murray,

My name's Brian Griffin,

Uh, first of all,
I iust want to tell you

what a huge fan I am,

Aw, that's very
sweet of you,

And I'm Stewie,

I'm the one who sent
you the vibrators,

Well, I'm glad you
enioy my music,

Would you like to come in?

We'd love to,

Wow, nothing says success

like free on a Tuesday
at 3:00 p,m,

I'll get there,

So, Miss Murray,
the reason we came

is that we have a question
about "Snowbird,"

It's about
a relationship, right?

Ho, no, it's obviously
about the fear of growing old,

You know, I think
you're both kind of right,

I guess I always thought it was
about human limitation,

both mental and physical,

Okay, that,,,
that iust blew my face off,

Well, I hope
that helps,

It does, Thank you so much,
Miss Murray,

This has been terrific,

Hey, uh, before we go,

do you mind if I
use your restroom?

It was a long
drive up here,

Ho, go right ahead,

We should do something
without him sometime,

Do you like tapas?

Someone invited me
out for that once,

I thought they said
topless, so I was like,

(high-pitch): what?

That's a good story,

Hey, you know,
that was really cool

how you told us what
"Snowbird" was about,

Well, you know,
that's iust the way

I always interpreted the song,

But I suppose Gene probably

could have explained
it better than I,

Who's Gene?

Gene MacLellan,
He wrote the song,

I see,

But you wrote all
your other songs, right?

Ho, all of my songs were
written by other people,

As a singer,
I've been blessed

to interpret the works of
many gifted, sensitive

songwriters,

Oh,

So, you're iust
a big (bleep) liar?

Sit back down,

All right, come on, Stewie,
let's go home,,,

(muffled grunts)

Stewie, what the
hell are you doing?

She's a fraud, Brian,
A fraud!

She didn't write any
of her songs,

Well, so, that's the case
with a lot of singers,

It's a very common
industry practice,

Well, then you're all a bunch of
frauds, aren't you?

A bunch of frauds and
charlatans,

You want to be a puppet?

Then sing for your life,
puppet, Come on,

spread your tiny wings
and fly away!

(muffled singing)

Come on, Anne, sing along,

You know it, You didn't write
it, but you know it, bitch,

STEWIF AHD AHHE: The one
I love forever is untrue

And if I could you know that
I would fly away with you,

Hey, Meg, you here for the
expired hot dogs?

Ho, Carl, I'm
looking for Chris,

I've looked everywhere
and I can't find him,

Uh, I haven't seen him but
I'll keep an eye out,

(knocking on glass)

Hey, bozos, what do
you think of this?

(laughing):
I did, I did it!

You're crazy man,

You're so crazy,

(gunfire, men shouting on TV)

I thought I told you
to clean up in here?

And why aren't
you dressed?

We're supposed
to have dinner

with Judge
Maynard and Timmy,

Yeah, okay, as soon
as I finish this level,

Ho, get your coat on,

It's a three-hour
drive to that cabin,

Can't you iust
cook something here?

Excuse me?

I am not going
to cook you dinner

while you sit here
in your own mess

playing your TV games,

Oh-ho,
and the martyr returns,

Chris, I,,, I think
it's time for you to go,

Okay, I'll go,

But I want you to know,

I faked all
my light-headedness,

Mm, good Kool-Aid,

Whoa, whoa,

Sound familiar?

Oh, my God, Chris,

Oh, there you are,

I've been looking all
over for you,

Why? You want to humiliate
me with more slave work?

Ho, I,,,
I wanted to apologize,

I should've never
blackmailed you,

I'm really sorry,

And I want you
to come home,

I thought you said no
one would miss me?

I said a lot of stupid
things I didn't mean, Chris,

But I miss you,

Thanks, Meg,
I miss you, too,

You know,
living in that family,

we both have
pretty crappy lives,

And if we're
going to survive it,

we can't turn on each other,

We're all we have,

I know,

I'll never do anything
like that again,

Do you think you can
ever forgive me?

Yeah, I forgive you,

(engine starting)

(tires squealing)

(crying)

We broke up,

spread your tiny wings
and fly away

And take the snow
back with you

Where it came
from on that day

The one I love
forever is untrue

And if I could you know that I
would fly away with you

Yeah, if I could you know that
I would fly-i-i-i-i

Away with you,