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00:00:01,878 --> 00:00:02,679
Valentine's Day:
2
00:00:02,879 --> 00:00:04,139
a day of love,
3
00:00:04,339 --> 00:00:06,387
right in the middle
of Black History Month.
4
00:00:06,587 --> 00:00:08,635
There are a thousand hearts
in Quahog,
5
00:00:08,835 --> 00:00:10,020
a thousand stories.
6
00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:12,388
Some people don't have
any stories.
7
00:00:12,588 --> 00:00:13,815
Others got two.
8
00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,391
Anyway, here's a song your
girlfriend probably likes.
9
00:00:15,591 --> 00:00:19,487
I got a feeling
10
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:22,815
That tonight's gonna be
a good night
11
00:00:22,899 --> 00:00:25,760
That tonight's
gonna be a good night
12
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,821
I'm afraid l have
some terrible news:
13
00:00:29,948 --> 00:00:32,825
I have dinner reservations
and no one to go with.
14
00:00:32,909 --> 00:00:34,706
Tonight's the night
15
00:00:34,906 --> 00:00:36,685
Let's live it up
16
00:00:36,885 --> 00:00:38,465
I got my money
17
00:00:38,665 --> 00:00:40,692
Hi, l'Il be
your wife's nurse.
18
00:00:40,892 --> 00:00:42,919
Would you excuse me
a second?
19
00:00:45,338 --> 00:00:46,139
Okay, l'm back.
20
00:00:46,339 --> 00:00:48,174
Here we come,
here we go
21
00:00:48,258 --> 00:00:49,851
We gotta rock
22
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:52,762
I know that
we'Il have a ball
23
00:00:52,962 --> 00:00:54,910
If we get down and go out
24
00:00:55,110 --> 00:00:56,858
And just lose it all
25
00:00:57,058 --> 00:01:00,061
I feel stressed out,
I wanna let it go
26
00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:02,397
Let's go way out, spaced out
27
00:01:02,597 --> 00:01:04,566
Losing all control
28
00:01:04,766 --> 00:01:06,547
Fill up my cup
29
00:01:06,747 --> 00:01:08,328
Mazel tov
30
00:01:08,528 --> 00:01:09,950
Look at her dancing
31
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:11,573
Just take it
32
00:01:11,773 --> 00:01:13,032
Off.
33
00:01:15,577 --> 00:01:19,706
Peter, are you ready
for your Valentine's gift?
34
00:01:20,957 --> 00:01:23,960
No, but l'm ready for therapy.
35
00:01:39,225 --> 00:01:41,231
Peter, you awake?
36
00:01:41,431 --> 00:01:43,238
It's a beautiful day.
37
00:01:43,438 --> 00:01:45,031
Um, yeah, l'm just glad
I didn't die
38
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:46,983
from the weird
sleep-breathing thing l have.
39
00:01:55,408 --> 00:01:57,910
You know, Peter, since
it's Valentine's Day
40
00:01:58,110 --> 00:01:59,746
I was thinking
let's do something
41
00:01:59,946 --> 00:02:01,247
we've never
done before.
42
00:02:01,447 --> 00:02:02,715
Release the virus?
43
00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:05,918
No, l was thinking we could
spend the whole day in bed.
44
00:02:06,118 --> 00:02:07,429
Oh, that's a great idea.
45
00:02:07,629 --> 00:02:11,424
Permission to begin a day of
epic lovemaking, sexy lady.
46
00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:13,560
Permission
granted, sir.
47
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,849
And if l need help,
I'Il just fantasize
48
00:02:16,049 --> 00:02:18,139
about that Victorian stripper.
49
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:19,566
Yeah, you slut.
50
00:02:19,766 --> 00:02:22,644
Doth the magistrate know
what you're doing tonight?
51
00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:23,936
Good.
52
00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:27,440
Now, undo the top six buttons
of your 100-button shoes.
53
00:02:33,071 --> 00:02:34,322
Wow, Meg,
you look nice.
54
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,457
You got a date?
55
00:02:35,657 --> 00:02:37,704
Yeah, l totally hit it
off with this great guy
56
00:02:37,904 --> 00:02:39,952
in the Internet, and we're
finally going to meet.
57
00:02:40,036 --> 00:02:41,954
Okay, remember to ask
questions about him.
58
00:02:42,154 --> 00:02:45,041
Seem interested.
Listen. Giggle.
59
00:02:45,241 --> 00:02:46,459
Swallow.
60
00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:48,670
Oh, my God,
that's him.
61
00:02:50,463 --> 00:02:51,426
Toby?
62
00:02:51,626 --> 00:02:52,390
Meg?
63
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:55,093
Hi. Wow, you look just
like your picture.
64
00:02:55,293 --> 00:02:57,553
You don't look
anything like yours.
65
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:02,975
Yeah, that's a candid
from a summer job l had.
66
00:03:03,175 --> 00:03:04,686
Well, you're much
prettier in person.
67
00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:05,628
Shall we go?
68
00:03:05,828 --> 00:03:06,529
Yeah, sure.
69
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:08,106
Don't wait up, boys.
70
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:10,658
I like him.
71
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,068
Really? He seems
kind of lame.
72
00:03:12,268 --> 00:03:13,661
But, l guess
every girl
73
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,488
has her own version
of Prince Charming.
74
00:03:15,688 --> 00:03:17,031
I'm in love with Paul.
75
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:18,574
I'm in love
with John.
76
00:03:18,774 --> 00:03:19,701
You know what?
77
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:21,369
I'm in love
with Ringo.
78
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:22,170
What?
79
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:23,296
Um, l said...
80
00:03:23,496 --> 00:03:24,797
I don't-l don't know
what l said.
81
00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,999
Sounded like you said you
were in love with Ringo.
82
00:03:27,199 --> 00:03:29,177
Um, l don't...
I don't think so.
83
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,879
Pretty sure you said
"I'm in love with Ringo."
84
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,005
Here l am.
85
00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:34,215
Are Paul and John
out there?
86
00:03:34,257 --> 00:03:36,134
Nope, just Ringo.
87
00:03:42,724 --> 00:03:44,192
Oh, you're still here?
88
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,227
Yeah, after
a wonderful night
89
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,820
I-I thought we could
get some breakfast.
90
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,773
Clearly, you're not
familiar with how this works.
91
00:03:50,973 --> 00:03:52,275
See, you're supposed
to be already gone.
92
00:03:52,475 --> 00:03:53,159
There's no breakfast.
93
00:03:53,359 --> 00:03:55,027
Here, let me help you
to the door.
94
00:03:58,364 --> 00:03:59,832
You're a jerk,
Glenn Quagmire.
95
00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,368
One of these days, you're
going to get what you deserve.
96
00:04:02,568 --> 00:04:04,620
You better put
something warm on.
97
00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:06,873
You got an icicle
forming down there.
98
00:04:08,124 --> 00:04:10,126
Dumb broad left her
electric tampon warmer.
99
00:04:25,016 --> 00:04:26,772
What the hell?
100
00:04:26,972 --> 00:04:28,528
That's weird.
101
00:04:28,728 --> 00:04:30,646
Why do l look like a chick
in that mirror?
102
00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:39,614
Ah, what's wrong with you,
Holder-Downer 5000?
103
00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:40,907
That's just for women.
104
00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:44,419
Hold it together, Quagmire.
105
00:04:44,619 --> 00:04:46,788
You probably just had
one too many drinks last night.
106
00:04:47,789 --> 00:04:49,123
Son of a bitch.
107
00:04:55,505 --> 00:04:56,598
Ah, hey, Joe.
108
00:04:56,798 --> 00:04:58,700
God, l thought
I was in trouble for a minute.
109
00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,802
Hey, toots, you know
why l pulled you over?
110
00:05:01,002 --> 00:05:02,366
You were going too
sexy in a 35 zone.
111
00:05:02,566 --> 00:05:03,930
I'Il need to see
your driver's license.
112
00:05:04,130 --> 00:05:04,931
What?
113
00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:06,641
Joe, what the hell's
wrong with you?
114
00:05:06,841 --> 00:05:07,642
It's me, Quagmire.
115
00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:09,644
Glenda Vajmire.
116
00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:11,613
Well, how would you
like to spend four hours
117
00:05:11,813 --> 00:05:14,649
desperately trying to
give me a muscular soldier?
118
00:05:14,849 --> 00:05:15,817
What the hell,
you weirdo?
119
00:05:16,818 --> 00:05:17,869
I'm just having fun.
120
00:05:18,069 --> 00:05:21,155
In fact, as l say to all
the ladies, giggity-giggity.
121
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:22,949
You don't say that.
I say that.
122
00:05:23,149 --> 00:05:23,950
You're a bad person.
123
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:33,843
Hey, Stewie,
what are you doing?
124
00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,170
Well, Brian, in honor
of Valentine's Day
125
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,922
I thought why not
go back in time
126
00:05:38,122 --> 00:05:39,486
to that summer of love
in the '60s
127
00:05:39,686 --> 00:05:40,850
that everyone's always
talking about.
128
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:44,470
Hey, you think you might be
able to get me some acid?
129
00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:45,972
I'Il get you rolled-up
newspaper on the snout
130
00:05:46,172 --> 00:05:47,181
is what l'Il get you.
131
00:05:47,223 --> 00:05:49,058
Very. Bad. Dog.
132
00:05:56,566 --> 00:05:59,986
Well, here we are, Rupert:
Quahog's summer of love.
133
00:06:07,994 --> 00:06:10,872
Ball, please.
134
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:17,679
Hello.
135
00:06:17,879 --> 00:06:18,880
Oh, this must be yours.
136
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,181
Thanks.
137
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:22,684
My God, she's incredible.
138
00:06:22,884 --> 00:06:25,511
Rupert, l must bring her
back to the present
139
00:06:25,711 --> 00:06:27,138
and raise her to be my wife.
140
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:31,225
Oh, God, l bet that diaper
is soaking wet.
141
00:06:32,894 --> 00:06:35,021
I can't let her get away.
142
00:06:36,898 --> 00:06:38,032
Oh, hi.
143
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:41,411
Oh, hey, um, l just
came to say, um...
144
00:06:41,611 --> 00:06:44,906
you know, in a couple of years
something's going to come along
145
00:06:45,106 --> 00:06:45,707
called Sesame Street.
146
00:06:45,907 --> 00:06:47,667
And l know the name
makes it sounds Asian,
147
00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:50,161
but it's not, and it's
going to blow your mind.
148
00:06:50,361 --> 00:06:51,337
Oh, the hell with it.
149
00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:53,414
The real reason l ran
over here is because
150
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,250
I wanted to do this.
151
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:59,795
There's my little Lois.
152
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:00,921
What?
153
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:01,848
Lois?!
154
00:07:02,048 --> 00:07:03,449
Come on, honey.
Hop in Daddy's car.
155
00:07:03,649 --> 00:07:05,051
You can crawl around
on the floor
156
00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:06,761
while l drink, smoke,
and drive us home.
157
00:07:19,941 --> 00:07:21,242
Oh, my God, Stewie,
what happened?
158
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:22,744
None of your
business what happened.
159
00:07:22,944 --> 00:07:25,154
Geez, you kiss your mother
with that mouth?
160
00:07:32,954 --> 00:07:34,255
Do you like Coldplay?
161
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,082
Uh, am l a dull
white guy?
162
00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:37,383
Yes, l like Coldplay.
163
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:40,711
God, Toby, l can't believe
how much we have in common.
164
00:07:40,911 --> 00:07:43,089
It's like we were meant
to find each other.
165
00:07:43,289 --> 00:07:44,090
I know.
166
00:07:44,290 --> 00:07:44,891
To us.
167
00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:46,926
Meg, if you were
any more beautiful,
168
00:07:47,126 --> 00:07:48,177
that'd be neat.
169
00:07:50,096 --> 00:07:52,723
So, what should be do next...
170
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,782
Oh, my God!
171
00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,784
Toby, what happened?
172
00:08:02,984 --> 00:08:05,286
Oh, l just harvested
your kidney.
173
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,113
Look at the
size of this scar.
174
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:09,991
Sorry. It's my first day
on this job.
175
00:08:10,191 --> 00:08:11,793
Well, where did
you work before?
176
00:08:11,993 --> 00:08:15,204
So, l haven't worked
in, like, two years.
177
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,046
Toby, l can't believe
you took my kidney.
178
00:08:24,246 --> 00:08:25,172
You bastard!
179
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,098
Sorry, Meg-
180
00:08:26,298 --> 00:08:27,600
Black market organs
are big money
181
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,802
and l promised my bosses
a fresh kidney.
182
00:08:30,002 --> 00:08:31,178
No hard feelings.
183
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:31,979
Wait!
184
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,357
You also made
a promise to me.
185
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:37,018
You promised we'd spend
Valentine's Day together.
186
00:08:37,218 --> 00:08:38,486
The whole day.
187
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,147
And l'm not letting you
break that promise.
188
00:08:41,347 --> 00:08:43,149
Well, l guess a deal's a deal.
189
00:08:43,349 --> 00:08:44,442
Okay.
190
00:08:46,027 --> 00:08:48,821
By the way, did you know
you had a tiny conjoined twin
191
00:08:49,021 --> 00:08:49,947
attached to your hip?
192
00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:52,408
Is it worth anything?
193
00:08:52,608 --> 00:08:53,376
It is to me.
194
00:08:53,576 --> 00:08:54,952
I've been using it
as a bookmark.
195
00:09:02,168 --> 00:09:03,636
Peter, what's all this?
196
00:09:03,836 --> 00:09:05,921
Oh, Quagmire loaned me this book
called the Kama Sutra.
197
00:09:06,121 --> 00:09:06,764
It's Indian.
198
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,549
And who has better sex
199
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,643
than people who don't
use toilet paper?
200
00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:13,554
I don't know, Peter.
That doesn't sound very sexy.
201
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:14,722
What are you
talking about?
202
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:15,648
Bombay is sperm city.
203
00:09:15,848 --> 00:09:17,525
Slumdog Millionaire?
204
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:20,152
More like
Scumdog Put-it-there.
205
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:23,105
Peter, these candles are
getting wax all over the floor.
206
00:09:23,305 --> 00:09:24,657
That's okay. Isn't
Consuela coming today?
207
00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:28,235
No, she spends Valentine's Day
with her husband.
208
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:41,082
Wait, but she's sneaking
out of the U.S.
209
00:09:41,282 --> 00:09:42,300
This is Arizona.
210
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,835
You can shoot a Mexican
for using a water fountain.
211
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:51,383
Oh, l fix later.
212
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,599
Happy Valentine's
Day, Juan.
213
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,318
And to you, mi amor.
214
00:10:00,518 --> 00:10:02,978
One minute, l
freshen up first.
215
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,575
Okay.
216
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:12,154
Si, si, si... oh, yeah.
217
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:25,042
Oh, hey, um, l think l might
have the wrong address.
218
00:10:25,242 --> 00:10:26,919
I'm looking for
Mr. Herbert's house.
219
00:10:27,119 --> 00:10:28,670
No, you're at
the right house.
220
00:10:28,870 --> 00:10:30,422
I'm his grandniece,
Sandy.
221
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:32,600
Wow, my name
is Chris, too.
222
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,203
Oh, hey, there, Chris,
happy Valentine's Day.
223
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,607
Hope cupid brings you
a saggy old bag of treats.
224
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:42,685
Hey, Mr. Herbert, l'm just here
to collect for the newspaper.
225
00:10:42,885 --> 00:10:44,236
Here you go.
226
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:48,315
Oh, hang now, Chris.
Your fly's up again.
227
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,151
Thanks, Mr. Herbert.
228
00:10:52,278 --> 00:10:54,455
He's so hot.
229
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:55,748
I'd love to talk to him,
230
00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:57,950
but l just don't know
what l would say.
231
00:10:58,150 --> 00:11:00,077
Oh, l know all
the things to say.
232
00:11:00,277 --> 00:11:01,579
Maybe l can
help you out.
233
00:11:01,779 --> 00:11:02,830
You'd do that for me?
234
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:03,756
Sure.
235
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,958
Right after my
favorite show.
236
00:11:06,158 --> 00:11:07,093
Coming up next:
237
00:11:07,293 --> 00:11:10,838
To Catch a Predator
Who's Proud of Being a Predator.
238
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:11,764
Good evening, sir.
239
00:11:11,964 --> 00:11:13,349
I'm Chris Hansen
with Dateline.
240
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:15,968
Do you know the boy you were
coming here to meet tonight
241
00:11:16,168 --> 00:11:18,020
is only 13 years old?
242
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:19,851
No, l drove
900 miles
243
00:11:20,051 --> 00:11:21,682
for a 14-year-old.
244
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,362
So what seems
to be the trouble?
245
00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:28,172
Dr. Hartman,
something's wrong with me!
246
00:11:28,372 --> 00:11:29,982
Everyone's treating me
like l'm a broad!
247
00:11:30,182 --> 00:11:31,158
I-I don't know
what's going on!
248
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,072
I recognize that
hysterical tone of voice.
249
00:11:33,272 --> 00:11:34,787
Sounds like someone's
having their monthly.
250
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:37,489
All right, sweetie,
let me just spit on my hand,
251
00:11:37,689 --> 00:11:38,290
and we'Il get started.
252
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,618
Ah! Get away from me,
you creep!
253
00:11:42,995 --> 00:11:44,171
My God!
254
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,523
There was nothing wrong
with my mirror!
255
00:11:46,723 --> 00:11:48,676
Everyone sees me as a woman!
Oh, no!
256
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:51,754
This is the universe giving me
what l deserve
257
00:11:51,954 --> 00:11:53,681
for being such a pig
all the time!
258
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:57,009
From now on,
I'm gonna do things differently.
259
00:11:57,209 --> 00:11:59,094
Men are jerks!
Let's swear off of them
260
00:11:59,294 --> 00:12:00,721
and find comfort in each other!
261
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,389
Com here, you guys!
262
00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:09,947
So, what's with you?
263
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:11,148
No Valentine's Day plans?
264
00:12:11,348 --> 00:12:12,033
No.
265
00:12:12,233 --> 00:12:13,859
I've had it
with Valentine's Day.
266
00:12:14,059 --> 00:12:14,910
I'm sick of all of it.
267
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:16,904
Okay, l'm putting on
my friend hat.
268
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:18,280
What's the matter?
Let me in.
269
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:19,457
I don't know.
It's just...
270
00:12:19,657 --> 00:12:21,746
How come it's so hard
to meet the right woman?
271
00:12:21,946 --> 00:12:24,036
I think maybe it's just time
for me to give up.
272
00:12:24,236 --> 00:12:25,725
Come on, Brian.
You can't give up.
273
00:12:25,925 --> 00:12:27,214
Everything could
change in a moment.
274
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,250
That's what happened with
the Kennedy assassination.
275
00:12:29,450 --> 00:12:31,844
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
Despite our best efforts,
276
00:12:32,044 --> 00:12:34,797
the Texas School Book Depository
Awareness Council has failed
277
00:12:34,997 --> 00:12:36,382
in its mission to generate
public awareness
278
00:12:36,582 --> 00:12:38,050
of the Texas School
Book Depository.
279
00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:39,602
So at the end of the day,
280
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:41,053
we'Il be shutting
down operations
281
00:12:41,253 --> 00:12:42,763
and laying
everyone off.
282
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,557
Sir, l think you're
gonna want to see this!
283
00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:48,769
Let's fall in love
284
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:51,272
Why shouldn't we fall
in love?
285
00:12:51,472 --> 00:12:53,565
Our hearts are made of it
286
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:54,775
Let's take a chance
287
00:12:54,817 --> 00:12:58,220
Why be afraid of it?
288
00:12:58,420 --> 00:13:01,624
Let's close our eyes
289
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:05,411
And make our own paradise
290
00:13:05,611 --> 00:13:07,755
Little we know of it
291
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:11,917
Still, we can try
to make a go of it
292
00:13:12,117 --> 00:13:14,586
Let's fall in love.
293
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:26,774
Oh, Brian,
there you are.
294
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,125
Look, l've been
thinking about
295
00:13:28,325 --> 00:13:29,276
your situation
with women,
296
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,278
and l believe
I've come up with a way
297
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,731
to get to the source
of the problem. Follow me.
298
00:13:33,931 --> 00:13:34,982
What's going on?
299
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,735
Oh, my God.
300
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:40,913
Stewie, what the hell?!
301
00:13:41,113 --> 00:13:42,623
These are all
my ex-girlfriends!
302
00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:44,867
Well, l thought they could
provide some insights
303
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,285
that might improve
your love life.
304
00:13:46,485 --> 00:13:47,503
Ladies, as you may have guessed,
305
00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:49,997
you are here
because you have all dated
306
00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,298
this great guy.
307
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,254
Yet, somehow, things
didn't work out.
308
00:13:53,454 --> 00:13:55,210
My objective is
to figure out why.
309
00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:56,303
I don't know.
310
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,005
The word "self-absorbed"
comes to mind.
311
00:13:58,205 --> 00:13:59,140
And pretentious.
312
00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:00,887
Definitely pretentious.
313
00:14:01,087 --> 00:14:02,434
And he's got a big eggo.
314
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,511
Okay, we seem
to have a theme going here.
315
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:05,887
Oh, come on!
You're all just mad
316
00:14:06,087 --> 00:14:07,064
because l didn't
wanna be with you!
317
00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:08,853
I think
Brian's a wonderful man.
318
00:14:09,053 --> 00:14:10,442
He's just having
a difficult time
319
00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:12,644
coming to terms
with his own sexuality.
320
00:14:12,844 --> 00:14:14,521
Shut up, Ida.
She's my favorite.
321
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:15,626
He's insecure.
322
00:14:15,826 --> 00:14:16,532
And a blowhard.
323
00:14:16,732 --> 00:14:18,275
And he's got a tiny penis!
324
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,987
Yeah, that was pretty clear
by the survey.
325
00:14:22,187 --> 00:14:23,364
Okay, now who wants
more wine?
326
00:14:23,564 --> 00:14:24,165
This is great.
327
00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:25,708
We should do this
every Saturday.
328
00:14:25,908 --> 00:14:27,868
No, no, we're not gonna
do this every Saturday!
329
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,661
What's wrong?
We're just being honest.
330
00:14:29,861 --> 00:14:30,796
Oh, oh, you want honest?!
331
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:32,748
You're an old bag.
You're blind.
332
00:14:32,948 --> 00:14:33,716
Your vomit tastes weird.
333
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,296
You don't even know
why you're here.
334
00:14:35,496 --> 00:14:36,877
You chose to be
on The Hills.
335
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,420
You still have
bits of penis left,
336
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,671
and you can never get wet.
337
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,263
And you, you're more
of a woman
338
00:14:43,463 --> 00:14:45,803
than anyone else
in this room!
339
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,640
Get him!
340
00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:02,194
Oh, honey, l'm so excited
to finally meet your girlfriend.
341
00:15:02,394 --> 00:15:03,195
Here she comes now.
342
00:15:03,395 --> 00:15:05,280
Yoo-hoo, baby!
343
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,199
Oh, no!
344
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:16,291
'Ne now return to Tom
& Jerry: The Final Episode.
345
00:15:16,491 --> 00:15:17,667
So, that's it?
That's it.
346
00:15:17,867 --> 00:15:18,844
This is so much easier.
347
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,904
I don't know why
I didn't do this years ago.
348
00:15:21,104 --> 00:15:22,765
What do you want me
to do with the body?
349
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,846
I don't care.
Throw it in the garbage.
350
00:15:25,046 --> 00:15:26,927
Do you want any
of his oversized mallets?
351
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,220
I will take a mallet.
352
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,473
Ah, l gotta take this.
353
00:15:31,673 --> 00:15:32,703
Who's calling?
354
00:15:32,903 --> 00:15:33,734
My ex-girlfriend.
355
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,727
She calls me drunk
every Valentine's Day.
356
00:15:35,927 --> 00:15:36,862
Hey, Samantha.
357
00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:39,986
Yeah, yeah, l'm sorry.
I still love Lois.
358
00:15:40,186 --> 00:15:42,910
Oh, come on. You would
have been a great mom.
359
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:44,870
She had cervical
cancer five years ago.
360
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,364
She's basically a boob
on a leg at this point.
361
00:15:47,564 --> 00:15:48,740
Well, that's something.
362
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:49,917
You're in a book club?
363
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,935
Those are tough
to get into.
364
00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:53,954
What? Well,
I didn't even know
365
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:56,373
the Fine Young Cannibals
were still together.
366
00:15:56,573 --> 00:15:57,549
Eight-city tour?
367
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,835
Well, l don't know
if l can make eight,
368
00:16:00,035 --> 00:16:01,044
but l can certainly do six.
369
00:16:01,244 --> 00:16:02,054
What about Lois?
370
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:03,639
She's totally out
of the picture.
371
00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:05,182
We've done everything
but sign the papers.
372
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:07,968
Samantha, Samantha,
I will see you in Binghamton.
373
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,262
And now l want you to go
and take a picture of yourself
374
00:16:10,462 --> 00:16:12,451
because it will be
your last day alone.
375
00:16:12,651 --> 00:16:14,441
Geez, what's not clear
about "Get lost"?
376
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,144
By the way, my attendance
at home is gonna be spotty
377
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,645
over the next few weeks.
378
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:24,926
And, well, prize pumpkin
from the county fair,
379
00:16:25,126 --> 00:16:28,709
that's why l'm naming you
my Chief of Police.
380
00:16:28,909 --> 00:16:32,493
Mayor West, there's
something you need to see!
381
00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:40,292
My God! My wife is
seeing another mayor!
382
00:16:40,492 --> 00:16:41,593
I'm sorry, sir.
383
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:45,097
Don't be. Because
I'm going to win her back.
384
00:16:45,297 --> 00:16:48,884
I trust you'Il take care
of things here in my absence.
385
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,512
Officer down!
386
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,150
I hereby declare
this public park
387
00:16:56,350 --> 00:17:00,354
and future homosexual
meeting spot... open!
388
00:17:00,554 --> 00:17:02,856
Unhand that woman,
you bastard!
389
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:04,283
Adam!
390
00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:08,028
Well, well, well, if it isn't
Mayor "Guns For Toys" West.
391
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,531
The chair recognizes
your face!
392
00:17:10,731 --> 00:17:12,658
En garde!
393
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,038
Is the park open?
394
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,540
Not yet!
395
00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:26,171
You call that kissing a baby?!
396
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,426
That's how you kiss a baby.
397
00:17:35,556 --> 00:17:38,684
I hereby declare this
Stabby Eye Day!
398
00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,564
Oh, Adam, l'm so sorry!
399
00:17:43,764 --> 00:17:44,865
Carol, l love you
400
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,492
and l can't live
without you.
401
00:17:46,692 --> 00:17:49,403
Please, never let this happen
again.
402
00:17:49,603 --> 00:17:50,496
I won't, Adam.
403
00:17:50,696 --> 00:17:53,999
You're the only mayor for me.
404
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:57,102
Hey-ey, Carol.
I almost didn't recognize you
405
00:17:57,302 --> 00:18:00,205
without my special sauce
all over your face.
406
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:09,089
Is somebody out there?
407
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:10,265
Chris, it's me!
408
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:12,092
Uncle Herbert's
grandniece, Sandy!
409
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,073
Oh, hi, Sandy. What's up?
410
00:18:14,273 --> 00:18:15,854
What do l say?
411
00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:17,731
You say,
"Chris, l wanted
412
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,858
to come see you
because, well..."
413
00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:24,104
Chris, l wanted to come
see you because, well...
414
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,939
I'm kind of a
lonely old man.
415
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:26,907
Really?
416
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,910
Now, l know l'm not much
to look at,
417
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,987
and ever since l got banned
from the arcade,
418
00:18:32,187 --> 00:18:33,363
I don't know what l'm doing.
419
00:18:33,563 --> 00:18:34,540
But if you're up for it,
420
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,117
I'd like to spend some time
with you.
421
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:38,869
Okay. Sure, Sandy!
422
00:18:39,069 --> 00:18:40,308
I'Il come right down!
423
00:18:40,508 --> 00:18:41,547
Thanks, Uncle Herbert.
424
00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:44,082
I don't know how
I could ever repay you.
425
00:18:44,282 --> 00:18:46,460
Well, there
is one thing.
426
00:18:50,589 --> 00:18:52,933
Also, if l gave you
a sandwich,
427
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:56,261
do you think you could
get Chris to fart on it?
428
00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,938
Well, guess
I better be going.
429
00:19:02,138 --> 00:19:04,403
I gotta get this heart
to Madonna.
430
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:07,397
Oh, my God! Madonna needs
a heart transplant?
431
00:19:07,597 --> 00:19:09,358
No, she just doesn't want
other people
432
00:19:09,558 --> 00:19:11,151
to have them
for some reason.
433
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,528
But before l go... Here.
434
00:19:13,728 --> 00:19:15,447
For me?
435
00:19:15,647 --> 00:19:17,166
My kidney!
436
00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:18,667
I wanted you to have it.
437
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:21,795
Oh, Toby, l love it!
Thank you.
438
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:24,915
This has been the best
Valentine's Day ever.
439
00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:33,974
Oh, Peter, it was fun
440
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,884
spending the day
in bed with you.
441
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:37,948
It sure was, Lois.
442
00:19:38,148 --> 00:19:40,013
Happy Valentine's Day.
443
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:45,519
Hey, Lois,
remember our wedding?
444
00:19:45,719 --> 00:19:47,270
Yeah, l sure do.
445
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:48,897
Remember the dance?
446
00:19:49,097 --> 00:19:50,324
Of course l do, Peter.
447
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:51,821
Who was that
half-Persian chick
448
00:19:52,021 --> 00:19:53,318
who was dancing
with your cousin?
449
00:19:53,518 --> 00:19:54,945
I think her name
was Flora.
450
00:19:55,145 --> 00:19:55,871
Yeah... yeah.
451
00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:58,031
Okay, all right,
I'm ready! l'm ready!
452
00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,750
What?
Shut up for ten minutes
453
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:02,160
and pretend we're in the back
behind the speakers.
454
00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:06,915
This wedding sucks, huh?
455
00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:18,034
L is for the way
you look at me J�
456
00:20:18,234 --> 00:20:23,982
O is for the only one l see
457
00:20:24,182 --> 00:20:30,656
V is very, very
extraordinary
458
00:20:30,856 --> 00:20:36,824
E is even more than anyone
that you adore can
459
00:20:37,024 --> 00:20:42,793
Love is all
that l can give to you
460
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:48,373
Love is more than just
a game for two
461
00:20:48,573 --> 00:20:50,384
Two in love can make it
462
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,627
Take my heart
and please don't break it...32517
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