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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,506 --> 00:00:07,966
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,967 --> 00:00:11,346
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:14,640
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,641 --> 00:00:18,185
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:21,688
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,066
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,067 --> 00:00:25,025
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:30,073
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:32,138 --> 00:00:34,238
corrections made by snarry.
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00:00:36,329 --> 00:00:39,039
♪ Everyone has fingernails
12
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,041
♪ And everyone wants cash
13
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:43,335
♪ So send us all
your fingernails ♪
14
00:00:43,336 --> 00:00:45,547
♪ And we'll send you
some cash ♪
15
00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:47,215
♪ Fingernails for cash
dot com ♪
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00:00:47,216 --> 00:00:49,049
♪ Fingernails for cash
17
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:51,552
♪ Remember it's just
fingernails ♪
18
00:00:51,553 --> 00:00:53,888
♪ So don't expect much cash
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00:00:53,930 --> 00:00:55,890
♪ Fingernails for cash dot com
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00:00:55,932 --> 00:00:57,892
♪ Our service never fails
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00:00:57,934 --> 00:00:59,058
♪ Just take the cash
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00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,270
♪ And don't ask why
23
00:01:00,271 --> 00:01:02,062
♪ We want your fingernails
24
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:05,525
♪ 'Cause we might be building
a fort with them. ♪
25
00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:12,280
Here you go, fellas.
26
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:13,199
Thanks, Horace.
27
00:01:13,283 --> 00:01:14,951
Oh, here, let me
get this one, Peter.
28
00:01:14,952 --> 00:01:18,203
Geez, what the hell kind of
stupid wallet is that, Joe?
29
00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:20,539
Bonnie's
making wallets now.
30
00:01:20,540 --> 00:01:23,083
Look, she's gonna ask
you guys to buy one.
31
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:24,419
I'll just give
you the money.
32
00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:25,794
Just don't throw it out
33
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:28,589
within five miles
of where we live.
34
00:01:28,590 --> 00:01:30,716
Hey, why do you have a
Harvard dining hall I.D.?
35
00:01:30,717 --> 00:01:32,718
I pulled over some
punk Harvard kid
36
00:01:32,719 --> 00:01:34,970
who gave me a bunch of
lip, so I took his I.D.
37
00:01:34,971 --> 00:01:38,056
Man, I bet they got fancy food
up there at Harvard.
38
00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:39,849
Like them turkeys
with paper shoes.
39
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,601
Or pigs with apples
in their mouths.
40
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,980
Or them lambs what ain't never
seen the light before.
41
00:01:43,981 --> 00:01:46,106
Oh, yeah, I love
eating food that's sad.
42
00:01:46,107 --> 00:01:47,607
Hey, you know,
we should drive up there
43
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,110
and use that card
to eat for free.
44
00:01:49,111 --> 00:01:50,445
That's a
great idea!
45
00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:51,945
Let's go
to Harvard!
46
00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,279
Oh, I don't know, you guys.
47
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,617
We'll be as out of place there
as a black guy in Sweden.
48
00:01:56,409 --> 00:01:58,744
Ooh!
49
00:01:58,745 --> 00:02:00,038
Blackin sippin.
50
00:02:00,039 --> 00:02:02,247
Ya, blackin
sippin.
51
00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:19,264
Wow, so this
is it.
52
00:02:19,265 --> 00:02:21,058
Harvard
University.
53
00:02:21,059 --> 00:02:22,644
The alma mater
of Fred Grandy,
54
00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:24,269
Amy Brenneman
and Ted Kaczynski.
55
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,813
Are we sure this is
the way to the dining hall?
56
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,316
Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet
getting tired?
57
00:02:28,317 --> 00:02:31,318
God, I'd love to be able to
wheel around in a toy all day.
58
00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:32,945
Ah, this is
it, you guys.
59
00:02:33,029 --> 00:02:34,822
The Harvard
Dining Hall.
60
00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,330
Holy crap!
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00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,582
This place
is amazing!
62
00:02:44,583 --> 00:02:47,292
And just think, this is
where Helen Keller
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00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,960
used to eat
when she went here.
64
00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:51,463
Tonight, I want to go out
and just get wasted.
65
00:02:51,464 --> 00:02:52,964
And not one
of these campus bars.
66
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:55,050
I want to get wrecked
by a townie.
67
00:02:55,051 --> 00:02:56,802
Helen, you're
outrageous.
68
00:02:56,803 --> 00:02:58,970
I can't believe you're
getting away with this.
69
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:01,099
I've been getting away
with this since I was seven.
70
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,183
Believe me, I know
what I'm doing.
71
00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:05,185
Good morning, girls.
72
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:06,187
Helen.
73
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:14,194
No freaking way.
74
00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:15,821
They have breakfast for dinner.
75
00:03:15,822 --> 00:03:17,365
Lois never lets me do that!
76
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,077
Lois, do you have any idea
what I'm looking at right now?
77
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,995
Peter, we're not
doing this again.
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00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:26,207
I am at Harvard,
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00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:28,251
the smartest school in
the country, and they have...
80
00:03:28,252 --> 00:03:30,712
Peter, breakfast
for dinner is anarchy.
81
00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:32,504
It's fun, Lois!
It's whimsical!
82
00:03:32,505 --> 00:03:33,506
It's ridiculous!
83
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,341
Pancakes are not
a nighttime food.
84
00:03:35,342 --> 00:03:36,718
You're ridiculous!
85
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:37,883
Boy, breakfast
for dinner is
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00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,512
a real hot-button issue
for you guys, huh?
87
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:41,389
She's also mad
'cause I shook Stewie
88
00:03:41,390 --> 00:03:43,141
and now he's
walking weird.
89
00:03:48,730 --> 00:03:51,273
Hey, was Beowulf
a Teen Wolf sequel
90
00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:53,024
with Scott Baio?
No.
91
00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:54,650
Then I just
totally failed
92
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,112
that Medieval Lit
midterm.
93
00:03:56,113 --> 00:03:57,739
So this is
a Harvard bar, huh?
94
00:03:57,780 --> 00:03:58,904
Seems pretty normal.
95
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,032
Hey, check it out,
96
00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:02,075
there's the
Winklevoss twins.
97
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,075
Let's get a drink.
Get a drink.
98
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,871
Let's get a drink.
I thought of it first.
99
00:04:06,748 --> 00:04:08,122
Hey, you guys noticed
how many Asians
100
00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:09,206
there are at
this school?
101
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,000
I mean, how'd they
all get so smart?
102
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,254
I don't know. Guess that's just
the way God made 'em.
103
00:04:13,255 --> 00:04:14,881
Gentlemen, I give you...
104
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,214
the Asian.
105
00:04:16,215 --> 00:04:17,591
Ooh...
106
00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:20,135
Compact, hairless
and fiercely intelligent.
107
00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:22,472
The penises, while tiny,
are extremely efficient.
108
00:04:22,473 --> 00:04:25,140
We're projecting ten billion
within five years.
109
00:04:25,141 --> 00:04:26,724
Also, there'll be
different varieties
110
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,269
that will all hate each other
for some reason.
111
00:04:28,270 --> 00:04:30,270
Do they eat just,
like, regular food?
112
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,482
No, no, no, the opposite.
113
00:04:39,906 --> 00:04:41,740
All right, this
is more like it.
114
00:04:41,741 --> 00:04:44,034
Way better than that
lame-ass college joint.
115
00:04:44,035 --> 00:04:46,244
Yeah, finally
a terrible Boston bar
116
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,996
with a giant low-def TV.
117
00:04:47,997 --> 00:04:49,414
Let's go, Celtics!
118
00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:50,917
I think that's
The Dr. Oz Show.
119
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,291
What are you talking about?
120
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,920
This is the last scene
of Independence Day.
121
00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:55,755
Hey, look, even
the bartender's low-def.
122
00:04:55,756 --> 00:04:57,672
Hey, what can I
get you fellas?
123
00:04:57,673 --> 00:04:59,008
Hey, what do you say
we get some shots?
124
00:04:59,009 --> 00:05:01,301
Yeah! Let's
get wasted!
125
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,678
Yeah! Let's get
wicked bombed!
126
00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,431
Sorry, pal, we already have
an intense wheelchair guy.
127
00:05:06,432 --> 00:05:07,809
Well, now,
hold on, hold on.
128
00:05:07,810 --> 00:05:09,684
What's your name, friend? Peter.
129
00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:11,437
Yeah, we already got
a wheelchair guy.
130
00:06:03,990 --> 00:06:05,365
Oh, hey, Stewie.
131
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:09,077
Hey, sometimes when
daddies drive home drunk,
132
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,496
they come from
far away places,
133
00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:14,708
but it's okay because
they didn't get arrested
134
00:06:14,709 --> 00:06:16,209
and they're still
kind of drunk
135
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,878
so they-they think
it's okay.
136
00:06:17,879 --> 00:06:20,339
You should know that Mom
has emotionally let you go.
137
00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:22,716
It won't be long
before she takes a lover.
138
00:06:22,717 --> 00:06:24,134
Ah, my head!
139
00:06:24,135 --> 00:06:26,136
She already has
two cell phones.
140
00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:28,388
Aw, man, what happened
last night?
141
00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:30,598
I can tell you what happened.
142
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,226
What the...?
Who the hell are you?
143
00:06:32,227 --> 00:06:34,270
Who the hell do you
think I am, sweetie?
144
00:06:36,731 --> 00:06:38,523
Oh, no. You mean...?
145
00:06:38,524 --> 00:06:40,150
That's right, baby.
146
00:06:40,151 --> 00:06:42,736
As of last night,
we're man and wife.
147
00:06:42,737 --> 00:06:45,030
By the way, I need
you to call my pimp
148
00:06:45,031 --> 00:06:46,032
and tell him I quit.
149
00:06:46,033 --> 00:06:47,407
Oh, my God, I...
150
00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:49,034
I married a hooker?
151
00:06:49,035 --> 00:06:50,036
Married?
152
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,120
All right,
bachelor party!
153
00:06:52,121 --> 00:06:54,040
Come on!
Back to Boston!
154
00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:58,793
Aw, aw, damn it.
155
00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,046
I guess we're not going.
156
00:07:00,047 --> 00:07:01,922
Hey, Stewie,
here's five bucks.
157
00:07:01,923 --> 00:07:03,049
Get naked.
158
00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:11,139
This... this can't be possible!
159
00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:13,057
I can't be married
to a prostitute!
160
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,936
Where will you two be going
on your scummymoon?
161
00:07:14,937 --> 00:07:17,062
And can I plan your
bridal golden shower?
162
00:07:17,063 --> 00:07:18,147
I don't even know your name!
163
00:07:18,148 --> 00:07:20,565
It's Charmese.
Perfect.
164
00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:23,276
Listen, Charmese, I was
obviously very, very drunk.
165
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:24,944
This whole thing
is a huge mistake.
166
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,447
Now, we got to
fix this right away.
167
00:07:26,448 --> 00:07:28,406
Like hell we do,
sweet cream.
168
00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,284
This is just what
I've always wanted:
169
00:07:30,285 --> 00:07:32,160
To settle down,
find a husband
170
00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:33,454
and live the
married life.
171
00:07:33,455 --> 00:07:35,580
And now I got that.
172
00:07:35,581 --> 00:07:37,207
Your new wife
is a human toilet.
173
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:39,583
Look, I don't remember
anything about last night.
174
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:41,587
How do I... how do I even know
we're really married?
175
00:07:41,588 --> 00:07:43,965
I got our marriage certificate
right here.
176
00:07:44,924 --> 00:07:46,092
It's legit.
177
00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,094
And it looks like I signed
one of the witness lines
178
00:07:48,177 --> 00:07:49,971
and Peter partially signed
the other.
179
00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:52,098
Joe, look.
180
00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:59,604
You know, after 40 years
in my line of work,
181
00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,982
I've learned the difference
between true love
182
00:08:01,983 --> 00:08:04,859
and doing the entire bowling
team of a pizza restaurant
183
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,320
on a box spring by a brook.
184
00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,196
This is true love.
185
00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:10,366
Hey, what's our
last name again?
186
00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:16,122
You know, Quagmire,
I was thinking last night,
187
00:08:16,123 --> 00:08:19,791
I might remember Charmese
from a stag party in 1991.
188
00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:21,792
Ask her if she remembers
getting hit in the forehead
189
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:23,002
with a meatball sandwich.
190
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,672
You guys, I can't
stay married to her.
191
00:08:24,673 --> 00:08:27,048
This whole thing
is a complete disaster!
192
00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:29,884
I got to go down
to the courthouse right now
193
00:08:29,885 --> 00:08:31,010
and file for divorce.
194
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,304
This thing ends now.
195
00:08:32,388 --> 00:08:33,805
Hang on,
Quagmire.
196
00:08:33,806 --> 00:08:38,810
Quahog has some extremely
draconian laws governing divorce
197
00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:40,812
that all heavily
favor the woman.
198
00:08:40,813 --> 00:08:41,812
What? What do you mean?
199
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:42,813
Well, to be honest,
200
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,025
if you divorce her,
201
00:08:44,026 --> 00:08:46,026
she'll probably get
everything you have.
202
00:08:46,027 --> 00:08:47,694
What? No,
that's impossible!
203
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,405
I can't lose all
my money and my house!
204
00:08:49,406 --> 00:08:50,947
Then I'll have
to move into some
205
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,949
depressing divorced
guy apartment!
206
00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:54,324
As you can see,
we have plenty
207
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:55,701
of cabinet space
for your plate.
208
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,538
The oven, of course,
is just decorative.
209
00:08:57,539 --> 00:08:58,830
Seems okay.
210
00:08:58,831 --> 00:09:00,332
Do you have any other
units available?
211
00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:01,708
This is our only one.
212
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,044
I hope you're happy, Marsha!
213
00:09:04,045 --> 00:09:06,087
We might have
something upstairs.
214
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:07,046
Sorry, Quagmire,
215
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,422
but the only way
around the law
216
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:09,967
is if the woman
consents to a divorce.
217
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:11,342
Consent?
218
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,968
But Charmese will
never agree to that.
219
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,179
You heard her, the crazy skank
wants to be a wife.
220
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,346
She's found
herself a husband
221
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:17,224
and she's not
letting go.
222
00:09:17,225 --> 00:09:18,850
I bet she's what happens
223
00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:20,976
if you put a Hooters girl
in the microwave on "high."
224
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:21,935
Well, the only
other choice
225
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,687
is to let her take
all your money.
226
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,230
Well, I
obviously can't do that.
227
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,857
I guess I'm just gonna
have to suck it up...
228
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:28,942
Let her suck it up... she's
the expert. Sorry, keep going.
229
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,863
...and at least try to make
things work with Charmese.
230
00:09:30,864 --> 00:09:32,363
And who knows?
231
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:33,864
Maybe it... maybe it
won't be that bad.
232
00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:36,241
After all, I liked her enough
to marry her last night.
233
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,578
I must've seen
something in her.
234
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,203
There you go, that's
the spirit, buddy.
235
00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,954
There's a little bit
of good in everyone.
236
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,956
Except that president guy
from The Hunger Games.
237
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,085
He was pretty bad.
238
00:09:44,086 --> 00:09:46,086
This year, in addition
to the Hunger Games,
239
00:09:46,087 --> 00:09:48,755
we're going to do
the Special Hunger Games.
240
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:49,881
I'm Andy!
241
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:51,257
I love
you, Andy!
242
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,760
Come on,
guys, fight.
243
00:09:55,596 --> 00:09:57,012
So, Doc, I figured
if Charmese and I
244
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,388
are gonna live
as man and wife,
245
00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,767
I ought to get
her checked out.
246
00:09:59,768 --> 00:10:02,102
Of course. Charmese,
when's the last time
247
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:03,104
you had a pelvic exam?
248
00:10:03,105 --> 00:10:05,105
When was
the Missouri Compromise?
249
00:10:05,106 --> 00:10:06,898
Uh, I think 1821.
250
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,900
Then I've never
had a pelvic exam.
251
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:12,154
If I tug on the rope twice,
that means pull me out.
252
00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:17,784
God, who are the pigs
253
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,162
who just throw their
empty beer cans down here?
254
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:24,916
Hey, Charmese.
255
00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,043
You know, I really
love your clothes...
256
00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:28,129
I found a lot of them
257
00:10:28,130 --> 00:10:30,004
on strung-out
teenage corpses.
258
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:30,921
That's so lovely.
259
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,673
But I was thinking,
maybe this afternoon
260
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:34,135
you'd like to borrow
my credit card
261
00:10:34,136 --> 00:10:35,760
and buy yourself
a new wardrobe.
262
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,429
You know, something
a little more conservative.
263
00:10:37,513 --> 00:10:38,429
Really?
264
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,056
That's so
sweet, Glenn.
265
00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,183
No one's ever cared
about me like that before.
266
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,935
Thank you.
267
00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:45,937
♪ Uptown girl
268
00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:49,440
♪ She's been living
in her uptown world ♪
269
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,944
♪ I bet she never had
a backstreet guy ♪
270
00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:56,823
♪ I bet her mama
never told her why ♪
271
00:10:56,824 --> 00:11:01,077
♪ I'm gonna try
for an uptown girl ♪
272
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:04,789
♪ She's been living
in her white bread world ♪
273
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,959
♪ As long as anyone
with hot blood can...
274
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,086
I would like to pawn
all these clothes
275
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,213
for crack money.
276
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,719
Gosh, thanks so much
for having us over, you guys.
277
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,219
Of course, Glenn.
278
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,096
Welcome to our
home, Charmese.
279
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:24,476
That chair with the garbage bag
taped over it looks pretty good.
280
00:11:25,978 --> 00:11:27,854
Meg, you look
pretty next to her.
281
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,814
So, Charmese,
282
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:31,483
I was thinking
of writing an article
283
00:11:31,484 --> 00:11:32,984
about you
for my school paper.
284
00:11:32,985 --> 00:11:35,361
Do you charge black guys
more or less?
285
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,989
Hmm, that's a hard question
to answer.
286
00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:38,865
Most of them get a group rate.
287
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,574
Come on, now,
let's not talk about work.
288
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:41,744
It's a dinner party.
289
00:11:41,745 --> 00:11:43,995
Are you and Glenn
thinking about children?
290
00:11:43,996 --> 00:11:46,497
Unfortunately,
I can't have children.
291
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:47,999
Oh, menopause?
292
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,252
No, I got knifed
in the vagina one Christmas.
293
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,254
Ah, the holidays
are always stressful.
294
00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,882
I have $3.74.
295
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,342
Do something to me.
296
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,011
I love you.
297
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:02,723
I want to take you
away from all this.
298
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:04,725
They're supposedly putting
an ice cream place
299
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:06,351
where the shoe store was.
300
00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:08,519
Excuse me, Lois,
where's your bathroom?
301
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,522
I got to check on
a whistling sound.
302
00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:13,524
Upstairs, to the left.
303
00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:17,029
Um, I'm obsessed
with Charmese.
304
00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:21,866
Hey.
305
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:22,909
Let's do it.
306
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:24,410
What? You mean, like sex?
307
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,912
Yeah, and we
should go now.
308
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,788
I just stuffed everything
back into place.
309
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,039
Uh, you know, Charmese,
310
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,918
I don't really think
I'm in the mood.
311
00:12:30,919 --> 00:12:32,418
What? You're never
in the mood.
312
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,045
We've been married
two weeks,
313
00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,047
and we haven't done it
since that first night.
314
00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:37,758
I haven't gone two
weeks without sex
315
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,051
since I was in a
coma for six weeks.
316
00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:42,553
Yeah, sorry, Charmese,
I'm-I'm just not feeling it.
317
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,556
Geez, what the hell's
your problem?
318
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,433
What are... what are you,
gay or something?
319
00:12:46,434 --> 00:12:48,268
Excuse me?
You heard me.
320
00:12:48,269 --> 00:12:49,894
Are you some kind of 'mo?
321
00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:52,647
Oh, God, please tell me I'm
not married to some Nancy boy.
322
00:12:52,648 --> 00:12:55,692
Why? Would that
be a problem?
323
00:12:55,693 --> 00:12:57,944
Are you kidding?
Course it would.
324
00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,446
My dream is to live the
married life and settle down.
325
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,783
I can't be doing
that with no gay.
326
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:04,284
I see.
327
00:13:04,285 --> 00:13:07,161
Well, Charmese,
I have something to tell you,
328
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,205
and this isn't easy.
329
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,456
But I'm 833...
330
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,083
What? No.
331
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:13,167
You can't be.
332
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:15,295
I was gonna be your
perfect little wife.
333
00:13:15,296 --> 00:13:18,089
I was gonna make you
breakfast maybe once a week,
334
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:19,424
and give you stuff to do
335
00:13:19,425 --> 00:13:21,426
right when you walk through
the door after work.
336
00:13:21,427 --> 00:13:22,970
And I would've
loved that, Charmese,
337
00:13:22,971 --> 00:13:25,972
if I just weren't
so super duper double gay.
338
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:28,808
Oh, this is awful.
339
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:29,975
Aw, don't cry, Charmese.
340
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,351
You'll find the right guy.
341
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:32,604
There's someone
for everyone.
342
00:13:32,605 --> 00:13:34,856
Even if you're
a narcissistic pedophile.
343
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:37,483
Hey, Ma, we got any pictures
of me when I was a kid?
344
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,986
Maybe something in a tub?
345
00:13:41,113 --> 00:13:43,114
I'm really sorry it
didn't work out, Glenn.
346
00:13:43,115 --> 00:13:44,699
Me, too, Charmese.
347
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:45,993
I'll send
the divorce papers
348
00:13:45,994 --> 00:13:48,996
to that Rite Aid
where you brush your teeth.
349
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:51,999
Hey, buddy, what happened?
She gone?
350
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,624
Yep, I'm off
the hook, Peter.
351
00:13:53,625 --> 00:13:54,958
I told Charmese
I was gay,
352
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:57,129
and now she's gonna consent
to a no-fault divorce.
353
00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:59,130
That's brilliant,
Quagmire.
354
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:01,133
It's the exact opposite
of what Hugh Jackman does.
355
00:14:01,134 --> 00:14:03,509
Pretend you're gay
to get out of marriage.
356
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,718
Thank God.
357
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:06,136
I really dodged
a bullet there.
358
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:08,013
I don't know what the
hell I was thinking.
359
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,266
Eh, everybody
makes mistakes.
360
00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:10,725
Even doctors.
361
00:14:12,144 --> 00:14:13,978
You forgot to say...
362
00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:16,022
I forgot to say "clear."
363
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:19,234
Finally, back to my old life.
364
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,528
Hello, Internet porn.
365
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,365
Man, I haven't done this
in two weeks.
366
00:14:24,366 --> 00:14:26,491
I should weigh myself
before and after.
367
00:14:26,492 --> 00:14:29,160
Sorry, I forgot
my prescription mouthwash.
368
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:30,661
Aah!
Oh, my God.
369
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,163
What are you watching?
370
00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:33,538
That... that's
straight porn.
371
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,542
Listen, Charmese, it's not
what you think, all right?
372
00:14:35,543 --> 00:14:36,876
I've been poisoned,
373
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,253
and I'm trying to
make myself throw up.
374
00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:40,296
Gay men don't watch
straight porn.
375
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,548
You lied to me,
you son of a bitch.
376
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,050
No, No, I'm gay, I swear!
377
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,886
Here, watch me,
uh, uh, go there.
378
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,261
Jen Aniston?
379
00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:49,889
More like Jen
Can't-get-a-man-iston!
380
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:51,181
See? I went there.
381
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:52,810
Damn it, Glenn,
if you're not gay,
382
00:14:52,811 --> 00:14:54,268
then the divorce is off.
383
00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,187
No, no, I am.
I swear to God.
384
00:14:56,188 --> 00:14:57,688
All right, fine.
385
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:59,690
If you're really gay
and you want that divorce,
386
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,692
all you got to do is one thing.
387
00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:03,070
Anything, Charmese. Name it.
388
00:15:03,071 --> 00:15:04,529
Prove it.
389
00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:06,572
Let me watch you have sex
with a man.
390
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,282
Wh-What?
391
00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,575
You heard me.
392
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,828
I want to see you
get it on with a guy.
393
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:16,040
All right, Charmese,
I'll do it.
394
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:20,586
If that's what it takes,
I'll have sex with another man.
395
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,423
Look, Daddy.
396
00:15:23,424 --> 00:15:25,092
Teacher says every
time a bell rings,
397
00:15:25,093 --> 00:15:27,969
some gay guy's gonna have
sex with another gay guy.
398
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:31,098
We're gonna pull you
out of that school.
399
00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:39,230
We now return to
The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up.
400
00:15:39,231 --> 00:15:41,232
And the Yew Nork Nankees
bave heaten
401
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:43,944
the Oltimore Borioles nive
to foo here at Yamden Cards.
402
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:46,612
The Borioles now
lace a fong toad rip
403
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,239
where they'll
face the Sed Rox,
404
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,616
the Revi I Days
and the Jue Blays.
405
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:53,870
Hey, Peter, you got a minute?
406
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,372
Oh, yeah, sure.
Come on in, Quagmire.
407
00:15:55,373 --> 00:15:58,332
Listen, um, I need
to ask you to do something,
408
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,376
and it's something huge.
409
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,462
I mean, it's, like,
the biggest thing
410
00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:04,464
a guy could ever ask
his friend to do.
411
00:16:04,465 --> 00:16:06,632
Hey, we're best pals, right?
Whatever you need.
412
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,135
All right,
and you have to understand,
413
00:16:08,136 --> 00:16:10,970
I would never ask you to do this
if I had any other choice
414
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,513
and if what were at stake
415
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,891
was anything less
than my entire way of life.
416
00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:16,268
Geez, Quagmire, what is it?
417
00:16:16,269 --> 00:16:17,977
Charmese won't
give me a divorce
418
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,771
because she doesn't
believe I'm gay,
419
00:16:19,772 --> 00:16:23,901
so I need you to have sex
with me while she watches.
420
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,161
I have some demands.
421
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,288
Of course, of course.
422
00:16:36,289 --> 00:16:37,663
Nobody can ever know.
423
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,289
Absolutely. I'm right there
with you on that one.
424
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,999
There will be no
kissing on the mouth.
425
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,417
Okay.
I changed my mind.
426
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,004
There will be kissing
on the mouth.
427
00:16:44,005 --> 00:16:45,671
Uh, all right.
428
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:46,880
Good. Now, what else?
429
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:47,883
What else? Uh, yes.
430
00:16:47,884 --> 00:16:50,134
If, per chance,
it is beautiful,
431
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:51,510
I reserve the
right to cry.
432
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,013
Peter, I can't imagine
any scenario
433
00:16:53,014 --> 00:16:54,514
where this
is gonna be beautiful.
434
00:16:54,515 --> 00:16:55,640
Oh, I can.
435
00:16:55,641 --> 00:16:57,141
I'm a very
passionate man.
436
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:59,019
Haven't you ever seen
my Spanish soap operas?
437
00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:01,021
Mi amor!
438
00:17:02,648 --> 00:17:04,149
Papa!
439
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,777
Nifio!
440
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,114
Bueno.
441
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:23,418
Peter, can we just
get out of here?
442
00:17:23,419 --> 00:17:25,002
I want to get
this over with.
443
00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:26,670
This was part
of the deal, Quagmire.
444
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,423
I need this
to be a lovely evening.
445
00:17:28,424 --> 00:17:29,674
Fine.
446
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,676
How was work today?
447
00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:32,926
I don't want to talk
about work.
448
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,678
Hey, should we go
someplace else for dessert?
449
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:35,889
You know, someplace fun,
downtown,
450
00:17:35,890 --> 00:17:37,431
where the college kids go?
451
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:39,685
What? I'm not taking you to
two different restaurants.
452
00:17:39,686 --> 00:17:42,270
Huh. Hard to believe
your marriage isn't working out.
453
00:17:42,271 --> 00:17:44,188
A rose for the gentleman?
454
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,023
What? No. Scram.
455
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:48,067
Hey, I'm not just
a poorly cleaned butt.
456
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:50,028
There's a whole man around it
you have to please.
457
00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:51,070
Fine.
458
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,697
Here.
459
00:17:52,698 --> 00:17:54,699
Quagmire, what's going on
with you?
460
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:56,076
You don't seem
very present tonight.
461
00:17:56,077 --> 00:17:57,451
Why are you so tense?
462
00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:59,954
I'm tense because I have
to bang you in 20 minutes!
463
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:02,082
Well, if it's so much
of a chore.
464
00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:05,961
What the is
going on with my life?
465
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,338
Okay, Charmese, here we go.
466
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:12,217
Are you sure you want
to watch this?
467
00:18:12,218 --> 00:18:14,218
I'm just warning you,
you're in the splash zone.
468
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:16,429
Ugh, if I get anything
out, I'll be happy.
469
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:17,556
Get on with it.
470
00:18:17,557 --> 00:18:18,973
Uh, okay.
471
00:18:18,974 --> 00:18:22,059
Here, let me
stroke your hair.
472
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,477
Thank you.
473
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,105
I want to do gay
things for you.
474
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:29,233
I... I crave your groin.
475
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:33,112
Yes, and I cannot wait
to intertwine our bodies
476
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,948
and make each other's
fingers smell terrible.
477
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,868
Enough! Kiss each other.
478
00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:45,958
Oh, yeah,
that was so hot.
479
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:47,752
Just like we always do.
480
00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:49,630
Now take off
each other's clothes.
481
00:18:49,631 --> 00:18:52,882
Oh, God, I'm
so excited for gay sex.
482
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:54,134
Me, too.
483
00:18:54,135 --> 00:18:57,011
Your body makes me
so horny.
484
00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:58,971
Shut up and do it.
485
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:07,980
It's very close, Peter.
486
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:11,108
The paintbrush
is about to touch the canvas.
487
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:12,277
Come on, Peter.
488
00:19:12,278 --> 00:19:13,778
Sir Ian McKellen does this.
489
00:19:13,779 --> 00:19:15,154
You can do this.
490
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,156
Here we go.
Here we go.
491
00:19:16,157 --> 00:19:17,782
Here we go!
Just do it!
492
00:19:17,783 --> 00:19:19,033
Wait.
493
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:20,159
Stop,
494
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,663
Look, Glenn,
you're obviously not gay.
495
00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:25,289
Yes, I am.
Well, I'm something
496
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,668
'cause I've been at full-sail
for the last half hour.
497
00:19:27,669 --> 00:19:29,293
No, Glenn, you're not.
498
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,629
I see that now,
and the truth is,
499
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:34,049
if you're willing to go
this far to get a divorce,
500
00:19:34,050 --> 00:19:37,301
then maybe we shouldn't
be married after all.
501
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:39,512
What... what are you saying?
502
00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:42,139
I'm saying,
I'll give you your divorce.
503
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:43,683
You're off the hook.
504
00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:44,934
Oh.
505
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:45,894
Oh, thank you, Charmese.
506
00:19:45,895 --> 00:19:47,311
Thank you so much.
507
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:49,939
I-I can't believe
you'd do that for me.
508
00:19:49,940 --> 00:19:51,524
Well, it's for me, too.
509
00:19:51,525 --> 00:19:53,192
You were real nice
to me, Glenn,
510
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:55,069
nicer than
any other guy's been,
511
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:57,030
but I wanted
to be somebody's wife,
512
00:19:57,031 --> 00:19:59,198
not somebody's burden.
513
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:00,825
Good luck to you, sweetie.
514
00:20:00,826 --> 00:20:03,035
And good luck to
you, Charmese.
515
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,036
Thanks.
516
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:05,955
You're very special to me.
517
00:20:05,956 --> 00:20:09,083
I'm sorry my urine melted a hole
through your toilet.
518
00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:10,419
Aw.
519
00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:14,964
Thank God that's over.
520
00:20:14,965 --> 00:20:16,172
Yeah, no kidding.
521
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,550
Hey, you know, there's not
too many guys in the world
522
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,345
who would be willing to do
something like that
523
00:20:20,346 --> 00:20:21,345
for their pal.
524
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:22,680
Ah, don't mention it.
525
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,055
No, no,
you're an amazing friend,
526
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,350
and I really owe you.
527
00:20:25,351 --> 00:20:26,851
Thanks, Peter.
528
00:20:26,852 --> 00:20:28,979
Ah, you're welcome, buddy.
529
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:33,859
Hey, Quagmire, why is the red
light blinking on your computer?
530
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,238
What are
we watching? Glee?38048
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