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1
00:00:02,003 --> 00:00:04,968
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,168 --> 00:00:07,934
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:11,513
But where are those good
old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,713 --> 00:00:14,599
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,799 --> 00:00:17,485
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:21,439
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,639 --> 00:00:23,191
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:24,617
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:30,281
He's... a...
fam... ily... guy!
10
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,584
Wow, l'm so excited
for Brian.
11
00:00:37,784 --> 00:00:39,541
Remember, kids-
if it's terrible,
12
00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:42,010
at the end, we all say,
"You did it!"
13
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,470
I can't believe we're
going to the theater
14
00:00:43,670 --> 00:00:46,010
the same day Chris
drowned a mouse in a puddle.
15
00:00:46,210 --> 00:00:48,550
I mean, don't we need a day
to clear our heads?
16
00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:49,801
Boy, this takes me back.
17
00:00:50,001 --> 00:00:50,852
You know, l was, uh...
18
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,929
kind of one of those theater
kids in high school.
19
00:00:53,129 --> 00:00:57,559
Suddenly Seymour...
20
00:00:57,759 --> 00:00:59,361
He purified me
21
00:00:59,561 --> 00:01:03,193
He purified you
22
00:01:03,393 --> 00:01:06,826
Suddenly Seymour...
23
00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:09,512
Mrs. Andrews, l pooped
in the pot again.
24
00:01:09,712 --> 00:01:12,198
I'm gonna need somebody
to clean me up.
25
00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,577
It's really bad this time.
26
00:01:15,777 --> 00:01:16,932
Wow, what a turnout.
27
00:01:17,132 --> 00:01:18,288
Oh, hey, there's Glenn.
28
00:01:18,488 --> 00:01:19,130
Hey, guys.
29
00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:20,790
Hey, this is my date,
Consuela.
30
00:01:20,990 --> 00:01:22,634
No, no, no.
31
00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,210
Okay, we're here
as friends,
32
00:01:24,294 --> 00:01:26,546
but l'm gonna change
your mind one day.
33
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,142
Oh, l'm so proud of Brian.
34
00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,219
It's hard to believe
he's the same dog
35
00:01:33,303 --> 00:01:35,413
who barked at a pineapple
for four hours.
36
00:01:35,613 --> 00:01:37,724
Close your purse.
I can see your tampons.
37
00:01:37,924 --> 00:01:39,413
And why do you need six?
38
00:01:39,613 --> 00:01:40,902
What happens to you?
39
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,316
There's the man
of the hour.
40
00:01:42,516 --> 00:01:43,730
Hey, Brian, can you believe
41
00:01:43,813 --> 00:01:45,815
I found this blazer
on the side of the highway?
42
00:01:46,015 --> 00:01:47,033
Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
43
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:49,611
Big night, Brian.
How you feeling?
44
00:01:49,811 --> 00:01:50,674
Well, a little nervous.
45
00:01:50,874 --> 00:01:51,738
I just want it to go well.
46
00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:52,580
Fingers crossed.
47
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,040
Will there be
an intermission?
48
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,583
Because that will determine
whether or not
49
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,286
I bring this empty Gatorade
bottle into the theater.
50
00:01:58,486 --> 00:01:59,787
This is
unacceptable!
51
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,089
Sorry, guys,
I got to go-
52
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,416
They didn't put masking tape
over a seat for Tom Tucker
53
00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:05,293
and he's in there
pitching a fit.
54
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,419
Do you
know who l am?!
55
00:02:06,619 --> 00:02:07,345
I'm Tom Tucker,
damn it!
56
00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:10,798
I make more in an hour
than you make in two hours!
57
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,301
Oh, the play's about to start.
58
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:16,120
Mom, am l going to fit
in the seat
59
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,181
or is this going to be
like last time?
60
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,142
This should tide you
over for a while.
61
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,519
I'Il come back
as soon as l can.
62
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,190
She's not coming
back, you know.
63
00:02:27,390 --> 00:02:28,241
How do you know that?
64
00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:30,568
'Cause she's
my mom, too.
65
00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:36,074
Excuse me, that's my seat.
66
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,452
We'Il talk
about this at home.
67
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,254
Let's see.
68
00:02:41,454 --> 00:02:42,455
Who's in this thing?
69
00:02:42,655 --> 00:02:43,339
Sad. Nobody.
70
00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:44,899
Sad. Sad. Nobody.
71
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:46,259
Victor Garber?
72
00:02:46,459 --> 00:02:47,343
That's pretty good.
73
00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:48,961
How did he get Victor...?
74
00:02:49,161 --> 00:02:49,971
Oh, of course.
75
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:52,090
Tonight it's Randall Evan
Battincourt.
76
00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:53,383
God, l hate understudies.
77
00:02:53,583 --> 00:02:54,676
King Louis the Sixteenth
78
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:57,345
has been sentenced to death
by guillotine.
79
00:02:59,055 --> 00:03:01,040
The part of King Louis
the Sixteenth
80
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,226
will be played
by Jean de Menard.
81
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,479
Relax, you're
going to do great.
82
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,109
Nailed it.
83
00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,164
Well, as usual,
84
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,366
this is gonna suck
for one of us.
85
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,370
Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband.
86
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:23,296
Hi, honey.
87
00:03:23,496 --> 00:03:25,081
I've got great news.
88
00:03:25,281 --> 00:03:26,207
What is it?
89
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:28,084
First, where do we keep
the good scotch?
90
00:03:28,284 --> 00:03:29,711
At your brother's house.
91
00:03:32,004 --> 00:03:34,841
I got an audition for the
hottest new play in town.
92
00:03:35,041 --> 00:03:36,738
This could really
make my career
93
00:03:36,938 --> 00:03:38,636
and we can finally
start our family.
94
00:03:38,836 --> 00:03:39,562
What's it called?
95
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:41,222
A Passing Fancy.
96
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,150
That's the name of this play.
97
00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:46,728
How did he do that?
How did he do that?!
98
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:51,232
I got you your ten-year
anniversary present.
99
00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:52,734
Suntan lotion?
100
00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,277
But we live
in the Northeast.
101
00:03:54,477 --> 00:03:55,703
That's right, we do.
102
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,285
Unless we were moving
to California.
103
00:03:58,485 --> 00:04:00,667
He must've got the part.
104
00:04:00,867 --> 00:04:02,769
When he going
to meet Evita?
105
00:04:02,969 --> 00:04:04,862
Not every play is Evita.
106
00:04:05,062 --> 00:04:06,722
Oh, no.
I feel terrible.
107
00:04:06,922 --> 00:04:09,174
Why?
Don't you want to go?
108
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,627
No- l got you
a parka.
109
00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:16,466
Those two are never
on the same page.
110
00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:19,510
Wait for the look...
111
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,015
And that's why it works.
112
00:04:27,143 --> 00:04:28,444
Donna, don't go!
113
00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:31,397
It's not too late.
We can still start our family.
114
00:04:31,597 --> 00:04:32,323
Don't you see?
115
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:34,400
You already have
a family.
116
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:35,902
It's right there.
117
00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:40,239
Those won't keep you
warm at night.
118
00:04:40,439 --> 00:04:41,583
Good-bye, Grant.
119
00:04:41,783 --> 00:04:43,042
It's funny, isn't it?
120
00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:47,163
All these years, l was
the passing fancy.
121
00:04:57,131 --> 00:05:00,009
Get up, you jerk.
122
00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:17,577
Wow, that was amazing!
123
00:05:17,777 --> 00:05:20,054
I mean, usually,
the shows suck in this town.
124
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:22,532
Like Moishe, the low-energy
Bar Mitzvah clown.
125
00:05:22,732 --> 00:05:24,700
Ooh, what's this?
126
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:25,627
A quarter.
127
00:05:25,827 --> 00:05:27,954
I found it behind
your ear earlier.
128
00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:30,147
All right, that's enough
tricks for you.
129
00:05:30,347 --> 00:05:32,458
I'm going to go lie
down on the coats.
130
00:05:37,797 --> 00:05:39,465
Hey, has anybody seen
the review yet?
131
00:05:39,665 --> 00:05:40,591
No, we've been waiting for you.
132
00:05:40,791 --> 00:05:41,392
Thanks.
133
00:05:41,592 --> 00:05:43,269
Oh, here it is.
134
00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:47,348
"Here's hoping A Passing Fancy
is actually a staying fancy.
135
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:50,351
"The highest praise goes
to playwright Brian Griffin
136
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,228
"for his hilarious
and insightful look
137
00:05:52,428 --> 00:05:53,279
"into modern relationships.
138
00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:55,982
"If you see only one play
as an adult,
139
00:05:56,182 --> 00:05:57,483
I urge you to see this one."
140
00:05:57,683 --> 00:05:58,785
Hey, can you read
that page
141
00:05:58,985 --> 00:06:00,862
with all the little paragraphs
about dead people?
142
00:06:01,062 --> 00:06:02,163
Those are hilarious.
143
00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,365
This is amazing, Brian.
How do you feel?
144
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:05,667
You're a hit!
145
00:06:05,867 --> 00:06:07,043
It's... overwhelming.
146
00:06:07,243 --> 00:06:09,170
This is all l've ever wanted,
you know?
147
00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:12,206
For people to appreciate
and respect my writing.
148
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:13,424
I want to write
a play!
149
00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,001
Aw, that's cute, Stewie.
150
00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:16,210
Maybe someday.
151
00:06:16,252 --> 00:06:17,378
No, l'm going
to write a play.
152
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:18,388
I can do lots
of things.
153
00:06:18,588 --> 00:06:21,007
I was the human resources
director for the Muppets.
154
00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:23,217
Mr. Beaker, it is my
unfortunate task
155
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:24,394
to inform you
that your services
156
00:06:24,594 --> 00:06:26,846
will no longer be required
by this company.
157
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,691
Well, if you must know,
158
00:06:29,891 --> 00:06:31,517
it's because we've
noticed large quantities
159
00:06:31,717 --> 00:06:33,227
of benzene, ephedrine
160
00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:35,354
and everyday Epsom salt
have gone missing.
161
00:06:36,522 --> 00:06:37,323
Oh, please.
162
00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:38,774
We both know those
are the ingredients
163
00:06:38,974 --> 00:06:40,201
used to make
crystal meth.
164
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:41,411
And l've got
a pretty good idea
165
00:06:41,611 --> 00:06:43,404
who you've been
selling it to as well.
166
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:44,330
Oh, hey, uh, Beaker,
167
00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:46,032
when you're done
talking to your friend,
168
00:06:46,232 --> 00:06:47,083
I want to, uh, eh...
169
00:06:47,283 --> 00:06:48,993
I want to talk to you
about that thing.
170
00:06:51,913 --> 00:06:53,089
Hey, what you doing?
171
00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:55,041
I was going to start
rehearsing my new play.
172
00:06:55,241 --> 00:06:56,250
Want to hear it?
173
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:58,110
Oh, you actually wrote
a little play.
174
00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:00,266
Aw, boy, l wish
I could hang out,
175
00:07:00,466 --> 00:07:02,423
but it has just
gotten so crazy.
176
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:03,850
Really?
I know, right?
177
00:07:04,050 --> 00:07:05,826
I mean, l'm not
complaining, you know?
178
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,803
But l just... l want
my old life back.
179
00:07:09,138 --> 00:07:10,435
I'm just kidding,
of course.
180
00:07:10,635 --> 00:07:11,733
I'm so grateful,
you know?
181
00:07:11,933 --> 00:07:13,522
I mean, every
performance is sold out
182
00:07:13,722 --> 00:07:15,311
and they just added
a Wednesday matinee.
183
00:07:15,511 --> 00:07:16,362
It's great.
184
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,064
I mean, there's only
one thing l'm not getting
185
00:07:18,264 --> 00:07:19,169
out of this experience.
186
00:07:19,369 --> 00:07:20,274
What's that?
Sleep.
187
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:22,493
No, no, l'm so
grateful, really.
188
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,570
It's just that l'm-I'm
so busy all the time.
189
00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:25,747
But it's great.
It's all great.
190
00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:27,698
Well, do you think you might
have time to read it?
191
00:07:27,898 --> 00:07:28,750
All right, all right.
192
00:07:28,950 --> 00:07:30,126
But be patient,
all right?
193
00:07:30,326 --> 00:07:31,911
I've got interviews and
appearances all week.
194
00:07:32,111 --> 00:07:33,079
I mean, they're squeezing
195
00:07:33,162 --> 00:07:34,580
every last drop they
can out of me,
196
00:07:34,780 --> 00:07:36,082
like a bottle of ketchup.
197
00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:39,585
Listen, we've been at this
for 15 minutes.
198
00:07:39,785 --> 00:07:41,087
I don't think anything's
coming out.
199
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:42,588
I'm fine.
I can keep going.
200
00:07:42,788 --> 00:07:44,015
I'm just really tired.
201
00:07:44,215 --> 00:07:46,242
What if l stick my finger
in your hole?
202
00:07:46,442 --> 00:07:48,469
Eh, that only works
when l'm already close.
203
00:07:51,931 --> 00:07:53,775
The American play was dying.
204
00:07:53,975 --> 00:07:56,602
Have-have we brought it
back to life here?
205
00:07:56,802 --> 00:07:58,896
I can't say that,
but it has a pulse.
206
00:07:59,096 --> 00:08:01,190
You're such an amazing
writer, Brian.
207
00:08:01,390 --> 00:08:03,284
How do you do it?
What's your process?
208
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:06,237
Oh, God, Allison,
how do l even answer that?
209
00:08:06,437 --> 00:08:08,790
Uh, l mean, what's
a rainbow's process?
210
00:08:08,990 --> 00:08:12,994
Two parts rain, one part sun,
one part childlike wonder.
211
00:08:13,194 --> 00:08:14,420
What we do know, though,
212
00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:17,873
is that the end result
in both cases is joy.
213
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:20,676
Wow.
214
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:22,795
Wow, are you glad you left
the lighthouse now, Seamus?
215
00:08:22,995 --> 00:08:24,222
Oh, l think so, Seamus!
216
00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:26,507
Excuse me, l noticed
you were talking loud,
217
00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:27,809
so that means you're smart.
218
00:08:28,009 --> 00:08:29,927
But would you mind-
and l hate asking-
219
00:08:30,127 --> 00:08:31,479
but would you mind
signing this?
220
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,389
Is this guy giving you
a hard time, Brian?
221
00:08:33,589 --> 00:08:34,515
Nah, he's all right.
222
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:35,641
All right. Cool, cool.
223
00:08:35,841 --> 00:08:36,767
How you doing, buddy?
224
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,416
My God.
225
00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:36,368
It's miraculous.
226
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:40,706
Hey, Brian, can you
read my play?
227
00:09:41,707 --> 00:09:43,876
Sorry, there was a fart
trapped in the play.
228
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:51,217
Hey, Jasper, how are you?
229
00:09:51,417 --> 00:09:52,018
Hey, Brian!
230
00:09:52,218 --> 00:09:54,261
Congratulations
on your new play.
231
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:55,062
Oh, thanks.
232
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,889
What's wrong?
You look awful.
233
00:09:57,089 --> 00:09:58,024
What happened?
234
00:09:58,224 --> 00:09:59,517
I read the play Stewie wrote.
235
00:09:59,717 --> 00:10:01,027
She writes plays now?
236
00:10:01,227 --> 00:10:02,695
Yes, and it was brilliant.
237
00:10:02,895 --> 00:10:05,397
Jasper, l've never read anything
like it in my life.
238
00:10:05,597 --> 00:10:08,109
It was insightful and fresh
and intelligent.
239
00:10:08,309 --> 00:10:10,027
It's like his play
is mocking me.
240
00:10:10,227 --> 00:10:11,403
He wrote it in a night.
241
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:14,615
Ugh, that's how l feel whenever
I see Brad Goreski on Bravo.
242
00:10:14,657 --> 00:10:16,617
God, everyone's on Bravo but me.
243
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:19,286
Anyhoo, have you told him
how good it is?
244
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:20,212
No. l just read it.
245
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,289
He gave it to me
'cause he wanted my feedback.
246
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,049
Okay, listen to me.
247
00:10:23,249 --> 00:10:24,984
Tell Stewie it's awful,
it's garbage.
248
00:10:25,184 --> 00:10:26,719
Do whatever
you have to do, Brian,
249
00:10:26,919 --> 00:10:28,754
but never let him know
he's got talent.
250
00:10:28,954 --> 00:10:30,026
Yeah, you're right.
251
00:10:30,226 --> 00:10:31,098
It won't be so hard.
252
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,975
After all, l've
certainly clone worse.
253
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:35,302
I replaced Peter's
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
254
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:36,929
with real butter.
255
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:42,271
Buh... wuh... suh... muh-wuh...
256
00:10:42,471 --> 00:10:45,312
I... l can't...
I can't believe...
257
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,148
Muh... wuh...
258
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,617
I don't know, Doctor.
259
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,319
Looking back, l think it
may have been real butter.
260
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,572
Your husband murdered
three children.
261
00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,952
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
262
00:11:00,152 --> 00:11:01,537
Brian, get in here.
263
00:11:01,737 --> 00:11:02,338
What?
264
00:11:02,538 --> 00:11:03,965
Your play has
been nominated
265
00:11:04,165 --> 00:11:08,043
for a local Hoggy Award
for Best Creative Anything.
266
00:11:08,243 --> 00:11:09,136
Oh, that's great.
267
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,639
Um, l'm gonna...
268
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,300
I'm going to go get some air.
269
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:16,644
Look at that.
270
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,145
Nominated
for an award.
271
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,605
What have you
two done today?
272
00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:22,183
I found a lump
under one of my balls.
273
00:11:22,383 --> 00:11:23,401
Okay, that's
something.
274
00:11:23,601 --> 00:11:25,728
I ate three quarters
of an Entenmann's strudel.
275
00:11:25,928 --> 00:11:28,480
Youse are good kids.
276
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:34,862
Hey, so did you get
a chance to read my play?
277
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,363
Uh... l did.
278
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:37,289
I did.
279
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:38,640
Ooh, l'm so nervous.
280
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:39,792
What'd you think?
281
00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:41,368
Stewie, you and l
are friends, right?
282
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:42,169
Yeah, l mean,
I know you
283
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,379
through our mutual
friend Greg,
284
00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:45,043
but sure, l'd say
we're friends now.
285
00:11:45,243 --> 00:11:46,507
Exactly. And-and
as your friend,
286
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,500
you'd want me to be
honest with you, right?
287
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:49,501
Totally.
288
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:50,799
It wasn't good.
289
00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:52,013
Oh, no, really?
290
00:11:52,213 --> 00:11:54,698
Oh, l worked
so hard on it.
291
00:11:54,898 --> 00:11:57,184
Oh, l thought it
was good. Aw.
292
00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,596
Oh, l know, l wanted it
to be good so much.
293
00:12:00,796 --> 00:12:02,314
Oh, l am so bummed out
right now.
294
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:04,767
I-I... Now l don't even know
if l should submit it.
295
00:12:04,967 --> 00:12:06,152
Wha... Submit it?
296
00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:07,528
Yeah, l was planning
to submit it
297
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,396
to the Roundabout Theater
Company in New York.
298
00:12:09,596 --> 00:12:10,197
No! l mean...
299
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,233
Oh, l mean, that-that
would be a bad idea.
300
00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:13,325
Definitely not.
301
00:12:13,525 --> 00:12:15,661
No, no, they won't let
you down easy like l did.
302
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:18,405
New York can be pretty harsh,
especially to outsiders.
303
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,407
Hello, New York!
304
00:12:22,368 --> 00:12:24,770
Ugh, maybe you're right.
I'Il think about it.
305
00:12:24,970 --> 00:12:27,373
Anyway, can l have that back?
It's my only copy.
306
00:12:27,573 --> 00:12:28,374
Your only COPY?
307
00:12:28,574 --> 00:12:29,341
Yes.
308
00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:30,918
And thank you
for being a good friend
309
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,231
and telling me
the truth, Brian.
310
00:12:32,431 --> 00:12:33,345
I know that was
hard for you.
311
00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,923
And to show my appreciation
for reading my play,
312
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,758
I made you this.
313
00:12:39,051 --> 00:12:40,327
Wow, "good dog."
314
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,604
And it's official?
315
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:43,580
That's what it says,
doesn't it?
316
00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:45,557
I wish my dad was
alive to see this.
317
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,249
Hey.
318
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,584
Who the hell
are you?
319
00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:05,661
I'm the guy Stewie pays
to watch him sleep.
320
00:13:05,861 --> 00:13:06,587
Who are you?
321
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:08,289
I'm Brian.
I live here.
322
00:13:08,489 --> 00:13:09,465
Oh.
323
00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:11,458
Do you mind if
I take this script?
324
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:12,384
Yeah, sure, whatever.
325
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,011
He just pays me
to watch him sleep
326
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,463
and rub this knife
across my face while l do it.
327
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,277
Oh.
328
00:13:18,477 --> 00:13:20,092
Okay.
329
00:13:21,593 --> 00:13:23,470
Hey, how much
does Stewie pay you?
330
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,306
$4,800 a week.
331
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,474
Yeah.
332
00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:32,113
Hey, Brian.
333
00:13:32,313 --> 00:13:33,280
Oh, hey, Stewie.
334
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,657
Listen, have you
seen my play?
335
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:36,692
You know, Stewie,
I have seen your play,
336
00:13:36,892 --> 00:13:39,236
and it is
exhilarating to me.
337
00:13:39,436 --> 00:13:40,996
A child's play is one of
338
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:42,865
the most beautiful
things in the world.
339
00:13:43,065 --> 00:13:44,825
Continue to play,
little one.
340
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,127
You're our future.
341
00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:47,978
What the are
you talking about?
342
00:13:48,178 --> 00:13:49,830
The play l wrote.
Have you seen it?
343
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,523
Uh, l don't know.
Let me call my lawyer.
344
00:13:51,723 --> 00:13:53,429
Hello. l'm
being cross-examined.
345
00:13:53,629 --> 00:13:55,136
No, l haven't...
I haven't seen it.
346
00:13:55,336 --> 00:13:57,463
Really? 'Cause l had it
sitting right on my table...
347
00:13:57,663 --> 00:13:59,056
I said l haven't
seen it, all right!
348
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,966
And what does it matter?
It was terrible anyway!
349
00:14:01,166 --> 00:14:01,934
We've had this conversation!
350
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:03,310
Do yourself a favor
and move on!
351
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,471
Well, that's interesting, Brian,
because l found this
352
00:14:05,671 --> 00:14:08,349
buried in the backyard
next to your soup bone.
353
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,317
Stewie, l...
354
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,019
You tried to destroy it,
didn't you?
355
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,320
I knew my play was good.
356
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,647
Just like l knew your play
was a mediocre patchwork
357
00:14:15,847 --> 00:14:18,025
of hackneyed ideas
and tired clich�s.
358
00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:20,035
You have no idea how hard it was
359
00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:22,529
to sit in that theater
with all those braying hyenas.
360
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,331
Couldn't you tell
something was up
361
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,709
when Chris and the fat man
could follow the plot?
362
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:30,287
I mean, it took Peter a year
to figure out Stuart Little.
363
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,355
I just figured it out.
364
00:14:32,555 --> 00:14:33,665
"Stuart" means "mouse."
365
00:14:33,865 --> 00:14:35,876
No, Peter.
366
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,669
"Little" means "mouse"?
367
00:14:37,869 --> 00:14:38,804
No, Peter.
368
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:42,383
I feel so old
and in the way.
369
00:14:42,583 --> 00:14:43,350
It's still a good play!
370
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,386
It's filled with terrible
double entendres,
371
00:14:45,586 --> 00:14:46,729
puns and stolen bits.
372
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:48,514
There's a line in there
from Seinfeld!
373
00:14:48,714 --> 00:14:50,265
I never saw that episode!
374
00:14:50,465 --> 00:14:51,192
I have a voice.
375
00:14:51,392 --> 00:14:52,318
Do you understand that?
376
00:14:52,518 --> 00:14:54,186
A writer needs a voice,
and l have one.
377
00:14:54,386 --> 00:14:55,321
You don't.
378
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:58,190
Your play panders to the lowest
common denominator, Brian.
379
00:14:58,390 --> 00:15:00,192
And it doesn't even
do that well.
380
00:15:00,392 --> 00:15:00,618
Shut up!
381
00:15:00,818 --> 00:15:02,203
May every person
382
00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:04,325
that laughs at your
sophomoric effort
383
00:15:04,525 --> 00:15:06,448
be a reminder
of your eternal mediocrity
384
00:15:06,648 --> 00:15:09,660
and pierce your heart
like a knife.
385
00:15:18,419 --> 00:15:19,711
Come here, you bastard!
386
00:15:22,423 --> 00:15:23,349
You stink!
387
00:15:23,549 --> 00:15:24,925
And your play stinks!
388
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,927
This ain't about me, is it?
389
00:15:30,431 --> 00:15:32,233
No.
390
00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,526
And l'm sorry...
391
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,604
but nobody can ever know that.
392
00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:44,945
Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband!
393
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:45,788
Hi, honey.
394
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,448
I've got
great news.
395
00:15:47,648 --> 00:15:48,249
What is it?
396
00:15:48,449 --> 00:15:50,325
First, where do we keep
the good scotch?
397
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:51,743
At your
brother's house.
398
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,623
Lois, can l
have my birthday here?
399
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,459
Seems to be going well.
400
00:15:58,659 --> 00:15:59,426
What do you want?
401
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,128
Wanted to share
a bit of good news.
402
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,805
I just found out
that my play
403
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:05,007
is going to be
produced on Broadway.
404
00:16:05,207 --> 00:16:06,308
What?
405
00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:09,470
And l'm taking Randall
Evan Battincourt with me.
406
00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:11,117
Hi, Stewie.
I'Il be right there.
407
00:16:11,317 --> 00:16:12,764
I just got to
finish this crap.
408
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,980
Hey, l need you
to take me to New York
409
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,648
for the opening night
of my play.
410
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:22,449
No way.
411
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,301
Besides, l checked,
and there's no play
412
00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:26,153
by Stewie Griffin
opening in New York.
413
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:27,413
I submitted it
under a pseudonym.
414
00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:29,665
They think it was written
by Tony Dovolani.
415
00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:32,367
I thought your pseudonym
was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower.
416
00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:34,495
That's my dodge ball
pseudonym.
417
00:16:34,695 --> 00:16:35,671
Look, if you won't take me,
418
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:38,123
I'm sure the New York Theater
League would send a car.
419
00:16:38,323 --> 00:16:39,466
New York Theater League? Why?
420
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,002
Because they're throwing
a welcome dinner in my honor.
421
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:42,845
Really?
422
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,047
Well, l guess l could
clear my schedule.
423
00:16:45,247 --> 00:16:46,307
Oh, you won't
regret it, Brian.
424
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:49,510
All the most important
Broadway people will be there.
425
00:16:49,710 --> 00:16:52,387
Playwrights, money men,
even Stanley Kowalski.
426
00:16:52,587 --> 00:16:53,639
Hi. l'm Michael.
427
00:16:53,839 --> 00:16:58,027
Michael!
428
00:16:58,227 --> 00:17:00,229
Um, and this is my wife, Nancy.
429
00:17:00,429 --> 00:17:05,075
Nancy!
430
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:08,862
And this is our Uzbekistani
friend, Bokyavroychesku.
431
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:10,113
Hi.
432
00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:19,540
Stewie, don't you think you're
overdoing it with that outfit?
433
00:17:19,740 --> 00:17:22,417
I don't wear anything l can't
take off with a flourish.
434
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:26,972
Wow, this is amazing.
435
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:28,682
Every major
playwright is here.
436
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,930
Yes, and it seems to be
quite a successful party.
437
00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:33,178
Several of them have
already committed suicide.
438
00:17:33,378 --> 00:17:34,492
Great party.
439
00:17:34,692 --> 00:17:35,806
Totally!
440
00:17:36,682 --> 00:17:37,691
Hey, Tony.
441
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,230
Oh, my God,
that's David Mamet.
442
00:17:39,430 --> 00:17:40,569
There's the man
of the evening.
443
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:43,197
I read your play,
An American Marriage.
444
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:46,441
It was incredibly raw.
I was pretty damn impressed.
445
00:17:46,641 --> 00:17:47,368
Oh, thank you, David.
446
00:17:47,568 --> 00:17:49,570
David, this is Brian.
Brian, David.
447
00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:50,371
Oh, it's an honor.
448
00:17:50,571 --> 00:17:51,830
Listen, l just
want to say
449
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,699
what an inspiration
Glengarry Glen Ross was to me
450
00:17:53,899 --> 00:17:55,409
when l was writing
my own play.
451
00:17:55,609 --> 00:17:56,210
Easy.
452
00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:57,749
Is that
Tony Dovolani?
453
00:17:57,949 --> 00:17:59,288
Hello. Alan Bennett.
454
00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:00,756
Fantastic play.
455
00:18:00,956 --> 00:18:02,383
And l'm
Yasmina Reza.
456
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:04,209
Oh, are you his night nurse?
457
00:18:04,409 --> 00:18:05,719
No, l'm
a playwright.
458
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,546
I wrote Art and
God of Carnage.
459
00:18:07,746 --> 00:18:08,764
I won
a Pulitzer.
460
00:18:08,964 --> 00:18:11,216
You want to say your
grade point average, too?
461
00:18:11,416 --> 00:18:13,143
Boy, it's just
so weird to be in a room
462
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:15,596
where every single person
in the room is a playwright.
463
00:18:15,796 --> 00:18:17,222
Every single
one of us.
464
00:18:17,422 --> 00:18:18,515
Everyone.
465
00:18:18,715 --> 00:18:19,912
Including me.
466
00:18:20,112 --> 00:18:21,110
I'm a playwright.
467
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:23,086
Brian, my God,
take it down a notch.
468
00:18:23,286 --> 00:18:25,063
You're a playwright?
In New York?
469
00:18:25,263 --> 00:18:26,607
Well, Quahog,
Rhode Island.
470
00:18:26,807 --> 00:18:28,033
You're kidding.
471
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:29,943
We just went and saw a play
in Quahog, Rhode Island.
472
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:30,911
Really?
473
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,447
Have you ever heard
of A Passing Fancy?
474
00:18:33,647 --> 00:18:34,373
I have!
475
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:37,117
Oh, my God,
what a load of rubbish.
476
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:39,128
We have this thing
where we go
477
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:40,954
to the worst regional theater
we can find
478
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:42,548
and laugh ourselves sick.
479
00:18:42,748 --> 00:18:45,250
And this one took
the grand prize.
480
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,262
Really?
481
00:18:48,462 --> 00:18:50,806
I-I had heard
only good things.
482
00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:54,259
It was a piece
of on a!
483
00:18:55,636 --> 00:18:56,437
Oh, my God.
484
00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:59,598
I got to hear David Mamet
curse in person.
485
00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:11,201
Oh, there you are.
486
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,954
That was the worst
night of my life.
487
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,281
It's not like you were
the only fat guy in there.
488
00:19:16,481 --> 00:19:17,082
What?
489
00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:19,209
Oh, this is about
the play. Sorry.
490
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:22,625
I was so happy until
I read your play, Stewie.
491
00:19:22,825 --> 00:19:26,041
I finally had some kind
of success as a writer.
492
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:28,105
It wasn't big,
but it was mine.
493
00:19:28,305 --> 00:19:29,970
I was fine being an okay writer,
494
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:33,298
until l discovered l was living
in a house with a brilliant one.
495
00:19:33,498 --> 00:19:35,634
I know we don't talk
about doggy years a lot,
496
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:37,811
but l-l just wish
you could have waited
497
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:41,306
to find out how talented
you were until l was gone.
498
00:19:41,506 --> 00:19:43,684
By the time l'm dead,
you won't even be ten.
499
00:19:43,884 --> 00:19:45,611
You'Il have 70 more years
to be great.
500
00:19:45,811 --> 00:19:50,023
I just wish l could have
had five to be good.
501
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:51,617
There's your voice, Brian.
502
00:19:51,817 --> 00:19:54,194
It's a depressing voice,
but it's yours.
503
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,329
Write from that.
504
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,322
Listen, me and
the other playwrights
505
00:19:57,522 --> 00:19:58,499
are going out
to have drinks
506
00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:00,325
with Woody Allen
and his daughter-wife.
507
00:20:00,525 --> 00:20:01,451
You want to come?
508
00:20:01,651 --> 00:20:02,503
All right.
509
00:20:02,703 --> 00:20:05,706
We can just sit here
for a while.
510
00:20:07,708 --> 00:20:11,545
They talked a lot more crap
about you after you left.
511
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,721
Oh, God, that was just terrible.
Terrible.
512
00:20:20,921 --> 00:20:22,147
I don't understand.
513
00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:24,474
Stewie, what happened
to the play you wrote?
514
00:20:24,674 --> 00:20:25,734
That was terrible.
515
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,227
Well, l gave it
a final polish.
516
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,153
Changed a few things.
517
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:30,480
Guess l kind of mucked
the whole thing up.
518
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,441
But how? You...
519
00:20:32,641 --> 00:20:33,158
Wait.
520
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:35,994
Did you do that... for me?
521
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,863
What are you talking about?
I'm a young writer.
522
00:20:38,063 --> 00:20:40,052
I just wasn't as ready
as l thought l was.
523
00:20:40,252 --> 00:20:42,210
Maybe in a couple of years,
who knows?
524
00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:44,369
Stewie, you shouldn't
have done that.
525
00:20:44,569 --> 00:20:46,559
But... thanks.
526
00:20:46,759 --> 00:20:48,549
No problem, Brian.
527
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:51,214
Hey, what do you say we head back home?
That sounds good.
528
00:20:51,414 --> 00:20:53,879
You know, l'm going to move to
New York City when l'm older,
529
00:20:54,079 --> 00:20:55,180
'cause it's
twinkly and big
530
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:56,557
and this is where
dreams come true,
531
00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:59,843
and that giant bird's
coming for us, isn't he?37293
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