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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,470
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:08,107
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,643
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,546
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:18,117
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:21,687
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,155
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,957
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:29,595
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:34,066
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
11
00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:38,037
(gasps)
There he is.
12
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:41,340
The reason my bedpost
is so shiny.
13
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:44,209
Oh, my God, are you still
obsessed with Kent?
14
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:45,511
Just ask him out already.
15
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,312
The worst that could happen
is he says no.
16
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:49,548
Are you kidding? Of
course he'll say no.
17
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,717
There's no way he'd
ever go out with me.
18
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,252
He's just so...
19
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:55,020
dreamy.
20
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:58,223
Oh, Kent,
what are we gonna do?
21
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:01,193
With the Earth destroyed,
we're the only two humans left.
22
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,562
Well, then, it looks like we
need to start repopulating.
23
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,664
(lounge music playing)
24
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:13,539
Meg and Kent
are having space sex
25
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:15,074
We can't show it
26
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:18,177
But that's what's happening.
27
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:21,947
(Meg moaning)
28
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,115
(gagging)
29
00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:24,116
I think she's choking.
30
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:25,451
Should we wake her up?
31
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,920
No, she's got to learn
to breathe out of her nose.
32
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,188
(breathing heavily)
33
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:31,290
She's getting it.
34
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,762
Peter, you want
another waffle?
35
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:37,896
I can't Lois.
36
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:39,565
I promised Janice
I'd take her shift.
37
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,400
Can I get two eggs,
scrambled, on toast?
38
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,535
Sure thing, honey. Adam and
Eve on a raft, wreck them!
39
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,071
I'd like a hotdog with ketchup
and some Jell-O, please.
40
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,574
Paint a bow-wow red and a
side of nervous pudding!
41
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,609
Can I have a well-done burger
with lettuce and tomato?
42
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:53,045
Burn one, drag it through
the garden, pin a rose on it!
43
00:01:53,047 --> 00:01:55,814
Got a telephone pole heading
to the swimming hole.
44
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,149
Spray it with sunshine!
45
00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:00,152
Psst.
46
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,987
Hey, dog.
What?
47
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,722
You want in?
48
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,258
Yeah.
49
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,659
Ah, look at this.
50
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:10,629
She's taped photographs of
Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry
51
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:13,132
on the inside cover,
as if she's some sort
52
00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:14,633
of hip hybrid
of those two things.
53
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,268
Ugh. Yeah, like
she could ever write
54
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,402
Who's Afraid ofVirginia Woolf?
55
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,238
Brian,
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
56
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,240
was not written
by Virginia Woolf.
57
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,407
Yeah, obviously.
58
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,409
But, you know, it's-it's
pretty much about her.
59
00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:26,145
It really isn't, Brian.
60
00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:29,214
Let's, uh, let's just
get into this, huh?
61
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:33,085
"Dear Diary, got
down to 152 today.
62
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,786
Think that's a
nice weight for me."
63
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,155
Oh, here's another one.
64
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:39,158
"Dear Diary, just discovered
the music of John Denver.
65
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,660
Wow-wee, where's this been?"
66
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,195
Hey, look at this.
67
00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,464
"Kent is so incredibly sexy.
68
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:48,033
"He said 'hi' to me
today, and I almost died.
69
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:52,304
"Also, I learned a funny lesson
today in my pursuit of Kent:
70
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:55,674
anal bleaching is better
left to professionals. LOL."
71
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,277
Oh, oh!
No, no, no,
come on, now, come on.
72
00:02:58,279 --> 00:03:01,313
Jeez, it's just pages and pages
of stuff about this Kent guy.
73
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:02,681
She's really obsessed with him.
74
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,383
Well, obsession's not such
a bad thing.
75
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,385
It got us
the first printing press.
76
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,886
You're a whore, Sheila,
77
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,955
and I'm gonna make sure
everybody knows it!
78
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:23,168
Here!
79
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,070
I can't read.
80
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:26,471
No one can read.
81
00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:33,212
Bye, Patty. Bye, Esther.
82
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:34,513
Bye, overzealous Asian kids
83
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,882
lining up to be the first ones
in school tomorrow.
84
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,218
Go away. No time
to say "bye."
85
00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:42,221
(laughs) I pass you
'cause you lose focus!
86
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,022
Damn! Lost focus!
87
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,124
Life over!
88
00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:58,770
Oh, Kent,
this is all I ever wanted.
89
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,372
I feel the same way, Meg.
90
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:03,842
From today onward,
this is our life.
91
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,444
We should get
off the horse soon.
92
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,213
I want to save one for you.
93
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,282
(horn honking, tires squealing)
94
00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:12,951
Oh, my God!
95
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,419
Are you all right?
96
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:17,489
Lucky for you,
this tree was my destination.
97
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:23,128
And the job exchange begins.
98
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,863
Sir, do you want to move ahead
99
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,532
on the agreement
with the sanitation union?
100
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,568
Sir, we need leadership.
101
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:30,802
Oh, my God, Meg!
102
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,104
Are you okay?
103
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,272
Yeah, I-I'm fine.
104
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:35,374
I guess I got distracted again
thinking about Kent.
105
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,309
Oh, I can't do this anymore.
106
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,611
I've just got to ask him out.
107
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,446
Sorry!
108
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,254
Honey, give me
any laundry you have.
109
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:51,123
I'm doing a diapers
and Meg load.
110
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,225
Hey, Mom, can I ask you
about something?
111
00:04:53,227 --> 00:04:55,460
Of course, Meg.
What's on your mind?
112
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,396
Well, there's this guy
I like at school,
113
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,930
and I was thinking about,
114
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:02,167
I-I don't know, maybe
calling him and...
115
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:04,803
Meg, are you asking,
in this day and age,
116
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,339
when the CEO of Xerox
is a woman,
117
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,474
when the president
of Brazil is a woman,
118
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,343
even Rosie O'Donnell
is a woman,
119
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,412
whether it's appropriate
for a girl
120
00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:15,314
to ask a boy out on a date?
121
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,282
Of course it's appropriate.
122
00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:21,019
It's also sad and desperate
and I would never do it,
123
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,854
but you're not me,
are you, sweetie?
124
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,189
No, I'm not.
125
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:26,258
(laughing):
No, you're not.
126
00:05:28,361 --> 00:05:31,129
(sighs)
127
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,698
(phone rings)
128
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,466
Hello?
Hey, Kent?
129
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,134
It's Meg, from
English class.
130
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,336
Uh...
131
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:38,603
And math class?
132
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:40,138
And bio?
133
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:42,307
And the Facebook campaign
to get me to kill myself?
134
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:43,475
Oh, Meg!
135
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,110
Hey, what's up?
Hey!
136
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,378
Um, nothing much.
137
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,613
I was just wondering
138
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:51,049
if you maybe wanted
to hang out some time?
139
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,284
Sure.
140
00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:54,386
Oh, wow, cool!
141
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:57,289
Okay, um,
I'll-I'll text you?
142
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:58,290
(beeps)
143
00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:01,159
(screams)
Yes! I can't believe it!
144
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:04,663
Oh, my God, I'm going out
on a date with Kent Lastname.
145
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,465
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
146
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,299
(screams)
147
00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:08,633
Oh, my gosh!
148
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:11,603
I'm gonna go ahead
and shut this for you.
149
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:18,944
(knocking)
150
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:21,747
Oh, hello.
151
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,014
Hi, you must be
Mrs. Griffin.
152
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,983
I'm Kent.
I'm here to pick up Meg.
153
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,885
Oh, Kent, it's so
nice to meet you.
154
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,487
She's just getting ready.
155
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,088
Meg, Kent's here!
156
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,023
Just putting on my lipstick.
157
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,558
Damn it.
158
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,560
And this is Meg's brother,
Chris.
159
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:36,995
Oh, yeah,
I've seen you around school.
160
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:38,597
You eat
with the deaf kids, right?
161
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,665
One of them isn't
all the way deaf.
162
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,200
What grade are you in again?
163
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,603
That's still being worked
out by a team of counselors.
164
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,538
Cool.
Hope to see you around school.
165
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,173
He seems nice.
166
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,374
Sorry, I missed all that.
167
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,509
I was tweeting.
168
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:02,220
MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall,
the prequel to Philadelphia.
169
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:03,855
Are you sure
we don't need a condom?
170
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,524
No, it's okay,
I'm a lawyer.
171
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:08,727
(loud kissing noises)
172
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,896
(yawns)
173
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:13,899
How you girls doing on popcorn?
174
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,066
I'll take some.
175
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:16,701
Here you go.
176
00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:19,438
(yawns)
177
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,507
Oh, sorry, am I taking
up the whole armrest?
178
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:26,278
Boy, it's kind
of chilly in here.
179
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,713
Really? You got big sweat
marks under your boobs.
180
00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:31,817
That must mean
they must like you then.
181
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:32,984
(forced giggling)
182
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,419
Hey, I'll be
right back.
183
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,488
I got to go to
the bathroom.
184
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,623
Oh, thank God.
185
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:44,095
And now,
our feature presentation:
186
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:47,799
Adrien Brody Doing Sit-Upsin 3-D.
187
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:50,302
ADRIEN BRODY:
One.
188
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:51,436
(crowd screams)
189
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,405
Two.
(screams)
190
00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:56,074
(tires squeak)
191
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,243
That was fun.
192
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,945
We should hang out
again some time.
193
00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,079
Yeah, definitely.
194
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,681
Well, good night.
195
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:03,782
Night.
196
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:06,418
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, I thought you...
197
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:09,187
I didn't think
this was a date.
Oh, my God.
I'm so embarrassed!
198
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,256
Hey, it's 10:30!
199
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:14,359
I suggest you take your dope
and go elsewhere!
200
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:15,994
I'm sorry, Meg. I
think you're great,
201
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,629
and I love hanging
out with you,
202
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,764
but there's something
you should know.
203
00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:21,199
I'm gay.
204
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,801
You are?
205
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:25,937
Look, I really like you as a
friend, but to be honest...
206
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,639
I like Chris.
207
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:28,874
What?
208
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:31,676
I have a shoe appointment
in the morning,
209
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:32,944
and I want to be fresh!
210
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,046
Yeah, the person
I'm attracted to
211
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,448
is your brother.
212
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:38,316
Brother?
213
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:39,885
Rupert, did you hear that?
214
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,853
Meg's boyfriend
is in love with me.
215
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,054
Not that I care.
216
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,156
I mean, it won't matter
once I explain to him
217
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:46,858
what's going on with us.
218
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:51,029
But what would I tell him
is going on with us?
219
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,234
(sobbing)
220
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,081
(sobbing continues)
221
00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:22,027
Thanks, Brian!
222
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,562
Brian?
223
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:25,864
Hey... princess.
224
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,566
I'll get out of your hair.
225
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,034
I can see you want
to be left alone.
226
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,570
Why does everything bad
always happen to me?
227
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,004
Huh, you and me both.
228
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,873
I got this cold.
(coughing)
229
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:37,409
And it's-it's
just in that
230
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,844
"I don't want to give it to
a friend" stage, you know?
231
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,580
(sniffling)
Oh, God, you hear that?
232
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,548
I sound like a
Jewish See 'n Say.
233
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,917
The uncle says...
234
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,587
(phlegmy coughing)
235
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,088
The grandpa says...
236
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,790
GRANDPA:
What?!
237
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:52,924
The aunt says...
238
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,693
AUNT:
Oh-h.
239
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,294
Kent told me he's gay,
240
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:58,697
and even worse,
he likes Chris!
241
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,932
Oh, wow, I'm really
sorry to hear that, Meg.
242
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,100
I don't get it.
243
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,402
I've been going to high school
with him for three years,
244
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,605
and I always assumed
he was straight.
245
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:08,406
Well, high school's
a tough time, Meg.
246
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,874
Maybe he thought
he was straight,
247
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,409
but then realized
he's gay.
248
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:12,877
He's probably still
figuring things out.
249
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,813
Hang in there.
250
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,948
Well, I'll help him
figure things out.
251
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:20,018
I'll help him figure out
that he's straight.
252
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,057
That was really close.
253
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,564
Hey, Chris, you
mind if I sit here?
254
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:33,765
No, of course not.
255
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:36,668
We were just having
a political discussion.
256
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,446
Bill's, uh...
kind of conservative.
257
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,081
Hey, you know,
it was really cool
258
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,249
meeting you the
other night.
259
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,084
I was thinking maybe we
should hang out sometime.
260
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:56,087
Sure. I sleep for, like, six
hours every day after school,
261
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:58,023
but other than that,
I'm pretty open.
262
00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,357
Well, great, then
we should definitely...
263
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,859
Oh, hey, Meg.
264
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,461
Listen, I hope you're okay
after the other night.
265
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,796
Yeah, no,
that's-that's what
266
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:06,364
I wanted to talk to
you about, Kent.
267
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:09,134
Look, I-I know you're going
through a confusing time.
268
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,602
The thing is, though,
269
00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:13,271
I feel like you're
not actually gay.
270
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,606
What?
271
00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:16,207
No, I-I told you, I am.
272
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:17,876
You don't talk
or act gay.
273
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,310
I mean, you
play football.
274
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,046
Those jeans cost
20 bucks, tops.
275
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,348
And you only use
"hello" as a greeting,
276
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,316
not as a way to outdo
some imaginary antagonist
277
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:26,685
in conversation.
278
00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:27,886
Meg, please stop.
279
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,654
I know your heart's
in the right place, but...
280
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:30,722
Actually, it's not.
281
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,524
It's a serious
medical condition.
282
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:36,127
Yeah, that's...
that's not supposed to be there,
283
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:39,130
so she should probably
always wear a hat.
284
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,568
Hey.
Hey.
285
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,570
So I guess you heard
about Meg's boyfriend, huh?
286
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:46,971
I did.
I did hear, yes.
287
00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:48,139
Weird, right?
288
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,974
Guy has a crush
on her own brother.
289
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:53,244
But, you know, the heart wants
what the heart wants.
290
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,879
I just hope it doesn't
cause awkwardness,
291
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:55,980
you know, in the house.
292
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:57,415
Oh, no, it doesn't have
to be awkward,
293
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:58,917
not if we don't make it awkward.
294
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,318
I just don't see
the attraction.
295
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,253
I mean, is it all
about that big package?
296
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,988
Big? You really think so?
297
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:06,024
Are you kidding?
Biggest in the family.
298
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:08,093
That thing should be hanging
from the ceiling of a deli.
299
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,394
Thanks, Brian.
300
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,029
God, I have
so much energy now.
301
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:15,066
(giggling):
Am I the only one
who feels like grabbing a drink?
302
00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,840
Hey, do you think
this picture is hot?
303
00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:25,076
Kind of, yeah.
304
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,078
Well guess what:
that's my back.
305
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,747
Hook up with me!
Come on!
306
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,181
We can make this work.
307
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,283
Just stick your head in here
and pretend it's a butt.
308
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,618
No, Meg, stop it.
309
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,086
God, this is
getting too weird.
310
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,388
I can't be
your boyfriend.
311
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:41,126
In fact, I don't even
think I can be your friend.
312
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,193
Kent, wait!
313
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:43,461
We can totally be friends.
314
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,063
We can go shopping together.
315
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,198
And I like musicals.
I've even seen
316
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,400
the latest Tony Award-winning
piece of crap.
317
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,236
If more people join in
318
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,538
The song will get better
319
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,973
If more people join in
320
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,075
The song will get better
321
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,110
If more people join in
322
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,945
The song will get better
323
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,047
If more people join in
324
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:05,216
The song will get better
325
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,885
Now you're having fun
326
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,920
'Cause we're in the aisles
327
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:12,323
Even the bad guy
is singing along.
328
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:16,327
They're singing right near me,
so it's a great musical.
329
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,900
Hey, Meg, what's wrong?
330
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,102
What's wrong
is that Kent doesn't like me.
331
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,670
He likes my brother, Chris.
332
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:26,738
Oh, my God.
333
00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:27,839
No way!
334
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,140
Well, I mean,
335
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,341
you've done
everything you can do.
336
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,177
I guess you just
have to move on.
337
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:35,079
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of
sweet guy-trim at this school.
338
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:36,648
You-you don't understand.
339
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,082
He's all I think about.
340
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,784
I-I can't eat, I can't sleep.
341
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:42,954
Just thinking about him now
gives me heart palpitations.
342
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,455
(heart thumping)
343
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:47,992
I feel like if I could just know
what it's like to be with him,
344
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,661
just-just once,
345
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,596
I could at least have
some sort of closure.
346
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,364
Well, if Kent hooks up
with your brother,
347
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,532
you could just have Chris
348
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,034
describe every last detail
to you.
349
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,269
Oh, my God, that's it.
350
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,437
What do you mean?
351
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,272
I mean,
if I can't have Kent,
352
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,974
then that's
the next best thing.
353
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:05,276
I've just got to get Chris
to sleep with him.
354
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:06,678
Oh, no.
355
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,046
Here comes
Mr. Davis with one
356
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,648
of his technically-not-
illegal invitations.
357
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:13,618
Girls, I'm gonna be
at the park later.
358
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:21,492
Oh, I wouldn't worry
about it, Bonnie.
359
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,528
I've put Stewie in the oven
a bunch of times.
360
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,163
As long as you come
to your senses
361
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,565
within 15 minutes,
everything's fine.
362
00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,701
Lois, can I go Slip 'N
Slide in the yard?
363
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,502
Has it been half an hour
since you've eaten?
364
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:32,704
Yes. Almost.
365
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:35,173
Okay, I just want to be sure
you don't get a cramp.
366
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,709
Yay! Poor people
water fun!
367
00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:40,645
Hey, Chris.
368
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:42,714
Uh, can I ask you a question?
369
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,048
Sure, what's up?
370
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,684
Um, remember that "free hug"
coupon you gave me
371
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:48,653
for my ninth birthday
that I never used?
372
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:49,888
Yeah.
373
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:52,156
Well, I'd like to use it.
374
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:54,259
Oh, okay. Sure.
375
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:57,729
But... I'd like
to sort of upgrade it.
376
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,698
I'd like it
to be a butt-hug with Kent.
377
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,600
What? Are you out
of your mind?!
378
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,235
Chris, please,
just sleep with Kent
379
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,837
and then tell me
all about it.
380
00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:06,838
Forget it, Meg.
381
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,873
I can't just do stuff
with another guy.
382
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,675
I'm not Derek Jeter.
383
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:11,910
I like girls.
384
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,177
Ugh, come on, Chris.
385
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:14,279
Girls are terrible.
386
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,513
They're always backstabbing
387
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,682
and giving each other
phony compliments.
388
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:20,885
Oh, wow, you are definitely
not afraid of dessert.
389
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:22,720
You know, I wish I
were secure enough
390
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,889
to throw on any old thing
and call it an outfit.
391
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:27,859
Come on, you have
so much body confidence.
392
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:30,695
I mean, who wouldn't
with those strong legs?
393
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,230
So muscular.
394
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:35,533
I'm jealous of how thick
with strength they are.
395
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:36,634
Hey, I like your tie.
396
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,635
Thanks.
397
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:41,806
398
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,808
Come on, Chris,
he'll do all the work.
399
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:45,076
I said no, Meg.
400
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,611
I'll pay you
a hundred bucks.
401
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,413
Oh, fine, I'll
keep it in my bum.
402
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:49,881
There'll be
plenty of room.
403
00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:52,717
That's my sarcastic way of
saying it's not gonna happen.
404
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:53,651
Good day, Meg.
405
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:56,487
Oh, it's gonna happen.
406
00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:03,728
(doorbell rings)
407
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,096
Oh, hi, Meg.
408
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,297
Hi, Mr. Quagmire.
409
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,632
What can I do for you?
410
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,734
I-I was wondering
if I could borrow some roofies?
411
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,970
Oh, sure, sure,
just a sec.
412
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:13,471
Roofies, huh?
413
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,306
Pretty big pill for
such a little girl.
414
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,742
Yeah, I know, but I asked
someone to do me a favor,
415
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,577
and they're not too keen
on doing it.
416
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:20,945
Oh, I know what
they're for, honey.
417
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,680
So, how's school?
418
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:23,748
Oh, good, thanks.
419
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,249
Studies going well?
420
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,852
Yeah, yeah, mostly A's and B's
so far this semester.
421
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,487
Oh, that's so great.
422
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,456
Seeing anyone
special these days?
423
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,257
Hey, obviously, right?
424
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,026
(laughter)
Of course, yeah.
425
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,661
Okay, well, listen, good
luck with everything.
426
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,796
And, uh, call me
if you get arrested.
427
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:40,999
I will. Thanks.
428
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,700
That's what
it's all about, Glenn.
429
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:45,103
Don't rape it back,
rape it forward.
430
00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:51,142
All right,
I talked to Chris,
431
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:53,811
and he totally wants
to hook up with you, too.
432
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:54,879
No way! Really?
433
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,714
I didn't even
know he was gay.
434
00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:58,549
It's just that
he's not as comfortable
435
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,284
with his sexuality
as you are yet,
436
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:02,987
so he's gonna need
to pretend to be asleep
437
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,222
while it's happening.
438
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,890
Oh, he's a snooze-juicer.
439
00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:07,225
Okay.
440
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,994
Wow, I didn't know Chris
had this dark side to him.
441
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:12,830
Oh, yeah,
Chris has a major dark side.
442
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:16,467
My dad is actually
really scared of him.
443
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:19,871
(creaking)
Wha...
444
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,406
Who's there?
445
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:25,343
Go back to sleep, Dad.
446
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,412
Okay.
447
00:17:30,649 --> 00:17:32,750
(whimpering)
448
00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:38,089
You're very
precious to me.
449
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:43,227
Chris, I made
some Kool-Aid!
450
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,595
You want some?
451
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:45,997
Sure!
452
00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,776
Chris, what are you doing
in my room?
453
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,378
Nothing.
Yes, you were.
454
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,413
You were putting something
in my drawer.
455
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,549
What's this?
456
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,017
(sighs)
Look, Meg,
457
00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:07,852
I know you've been having
a hard time lately,
458
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:10,254
so I wanted
to give you something
459
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,091
that means a lot to me.
460
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:15,193
Oh, I remember this.
461
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,528
This was the trip
our family took to the Cape.
462
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:18,763
Ugh, it was miserable.
463
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,399
It was raining, and Mom and
Dad fought the whole time.
464
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:22,934
You taught me how
to hunt squirrels
465
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:23,935
with poisoned cheese,
466
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:25,470
and then you took me
to the hospital
467
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,939
when the squirrels tricked me
into eating the cheese.
468
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:31,375
Chris, you kept this photo
all these years?
469
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:33,878
Yeah, it's gotten me
through a lot of tough times.
470
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,114
Like when Felicity
cut her hair.
471
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,949
What?!
472
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,418
Aw, thanks, Chris.
473
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,053
That was really
thoughtful of you.
474
00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:44,922
Hey, so can I have
some of that Kool-Aid now?
475
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:46,124
No.
476
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,192
No, actually you can't.
477
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:06,611
Oh, Chris, hi.
478
00:19:06,613 --> 00:19:08,112
I didn't realize
you'd be awake.
479
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,413
What?
480
00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:11,983
Well, Meg said you'd be asleep,
but it's fine.
481
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:12,917
I can work with this.
482
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:14,619
Oh, hell no!
483
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:15,853
Meg!
484
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,922
Oh, my God.
485
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:19,991
Kent, I just texted you
that the plan was off.
486
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,927
Meg, what the hell
were you planning on doing?!
487
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,862
Oh, Chris,
I'm so sorry.
488
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,430
I was so obsessed
with Kent
489
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,132
that I-I guess I wasn't
thinking straight.
490
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:31,302
I'm just glad I stopped before
I did a really terrible thing.
491
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,804
Terrible thing?
What terrible thing?
492
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:37,008
Well, like I said,
I-I changed my mind.
493
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,342
I-I didn't do it.
494
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,677
But, um...
495
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:40,978
I was...
496
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,947
kind of gonna...
497
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:43,848
roofie you.
498
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,983
What?!
What is wrong with you?!
499
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:48,553
And, Kent, I owe you
an apology, too.
500
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:51,155
I lied when I told you that
Chris wanted to sleep with you.
501
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,290
Save it, Meg!
502
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,691
I don't need your apologies!
503
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,194
I can see now
that you're a complete psycho!
504
00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:02,066
Boy, clothes sure are a prison,
aren't they?
505
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:06,637
Lot of drumroll for nothing.
506
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,005
What's this?
507
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,074
Ooh, candy!
508
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:21,919
Hey, Meg.
509
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,321
I heard what happened.
510
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,423
Yeah, Kent hates me now.
511
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,024
You made a mistake.
512
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,159
I know you feel terrible,
513
00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:29,894
but you're not
a bad person, Meg.
514
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,529
You just need
to get back out there,
515
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,664
and someday,
maybe you'll find the right guy.
516
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,233
You really
think so, Brian?
517
00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:36,767
I know so.
518
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,936
All it takes is one guy
making one mistake,
519
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,271
one drunken night.
520
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:41,539
Sperm finding a fertile egg.
521
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,274
You refusing to do
what a sane woman would do.
522
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:47,278
You got him, Meg.
You got him for life.
523
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,847
Thanks, Brian.
No problem.
524
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:52,516
Hey, do either of you know
what poison ivy looks like?36596
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