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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,636
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:08,040
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:11,877
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,880
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:18,283
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,687
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,155
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,990
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:30,195
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,068
All right, I'm going
to the store.
11
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:40,205
Yeah, can you get me a chess set
and a backwards hat?
12
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,874
I got some inner-city
school kids
13
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,075
I gotta inspire tomorrow.
14
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:45,811
Okay, Darius,
point to the king.
15
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:52,217
That's right.
It's you.
16
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,652
Hey, Lois. Doesn't, uh,
somebody have
17
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,054
a birthday coming up
this week?
18
00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:57,356
Oh, it's nice of you
to remember, Brian,
19
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,825
but, frankly, I'd rather
let this one slip by.
20
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:02,194
I don't need to be reminded
how old I'm gettin'.
21
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,595
You know, it's funny.
22
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,564
You keep so busy
with your kids,
23
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,099
time just seems
to slip away,
24
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,334
and then you turn
around one day and...
25
00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:11,103
Okay, bye.
Stop making noise.
26
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:13,272
(sighs)
27
00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:16,241
You know, Peter, I know
Lois is downplaying it,
28
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,210
but I think she might
actually appreciate it
29
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,511
if we threw her
a party.
30
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,180
Maybe even
a surprise party.
31
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,781
That's a great
idea, Brian!
32
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,049
Yeah, I love parties.
33
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:26,285
I mean, I had a great time
at my baby shower.
34
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,187
Well, after opening all
these gifts,
35
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,089
I could use a little wine
right now myself.
36
00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:31,790
(chuckles) Glug,
glug, glug, glug.
37
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:34,226
Can you imagine?!
(laughs)
38
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:36,228
(sobbing)
39
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:40,165
I'm sorry. My hormones are
just crazy right now!
40
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,539
(both laughing)
41
00:01:49,742 --> 00:01:52,111
Stewie, you want
a Mommy rocket ride?
42
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:53,378
What?
What do you mean?
43
00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:55,114
Here we go!
Get ready for blastoff!
44
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,115
(bone cracks)
45
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,749
Ow! Son of a bitch!
46
00:01:57,751 --> 00:02:00,719
Oh, my God, Stewie,
are you all right?
47
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,355
Nice throw,
Casey Anthony.
48
00:02:04,657 --> 00:02:07,426
Oh, my God, I hope the guys
at Sears portrait studio
49
00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:09,294
will be able to retouch this.
50
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,496
What am I saying?
51
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,798
Of course they will.
They're Sears.
52
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,233
What the deuce?
53
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,567
Well, hello there.
54
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:17,503
I say, you're
a cute little fellow.
55
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:20,672
Tell me something: What do you
think about Rose McGowan?
56
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,774
Yeah, she makes
my turtlehead go in, too.
57
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,676
How about Michelle Rodriguez?
58
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,411
Yeah, me too, kinda, right?
59
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,313
You know, she's got
like a cute tomboy thing
60
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,649
where you feel like you could
play softball with her,
61
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,851
and then later on,
give her the old sau-seege.
62
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,153
I like you.
63
00:02:34,155 --> 00:02:36,288
I can tell we're going
to be good friends.
64
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:39,725
We've got that unspoken bond
that all bald guys have.
65
00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:43,829
I thought
he'd never leave.
66
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,097
Me neither.
67
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:46,398
(slurping)
68
00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:50,502
(both sigh)
69
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,570
Yeah.
70
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,240
Aw, did you guys
just do the thing?
71
00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:01,180
Okay, we'll see you soon.
Bye. All right, you guys,
72
00:03:01,182 --> 00:03:03,782
that was Lois. She's gonna be
here in ten minutes.
73
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:06,218
Dad, how did you get Mom out of
the house so we could decorate?
74
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,020
Well, Chris, I constructed
75
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,756
a very elaborate
fake grocery store.
76
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:12,457
Oh, my God!
77
00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:14,860
Are these pickles really
only 39 cents?!
78
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:15,961
That's right, ma'am.
79
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,564
Wow! This is incredible!
80
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:22,134
(wind whistling)
81
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,570
What the hell's
going on here?
82
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,975
And over here are my toys.
83
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:32,578
This is my fire truck,
my Slinky, my Silly Putty.
84
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,179
You know, Silly Putty's
awesome,
85
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:37,149
but you know what's
really cool? Serious Putty.
86
00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:40,018
Oh, this looks
like fun!
87
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,387
It says I have cancer.
88
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,323
We thought it would be better
89
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,258
if you heard it
from chemicals in an egg.
90
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,226
Hey, Stewie,
you better come down.
91
00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:48,227
The party's
about to start.
92
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:50,362
What is that?
Is that a turtle?
93
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:52,164
Yes, Brian.
I found him at the park.
94
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:53,565
I named him Sheldon.
95
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,767
Oh, and get this:
I brought him home today,
96
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,703
and coincidentally
this is the day
97
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,571
Rupert started
working out again.
98
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,340
So transparent.
99
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:03,342
Rupert?
What happened to your eye?
100
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,210
Brian, did you pull
one of Rupert's eyes off?
101
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:06,878
No. Why would I do that?
102
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,213
Maybe your
turtle did it.
103
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,748
Nonsense. Sheldon
is a gentle soul.
104
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,116
He wouldn't hurt anybody.
105
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:12,584
Well, come on.
Let's get downstairs.
106
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,119
Lois will be here
any minute.
107
00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:32,938
ALL:
Surprise!
108
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,940
Yay!
Birthday!
109
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,642
Oh, my God!
110
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,076
Happy birthday,
Lois!
111
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,745
You guys shouldn't
have done this!
112
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,714
Hey, anytime you can celebrate
the end of someone's periods.
113
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,150
Everyone, everyone,
I have something to say.
114
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:48,720
To my dearest Lois
on her birthday.
115
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,822
What a journey
we've had together.
116
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,825
You know, life has a way
of changing things.
117
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,561
What were once two firm,
impressive mountain peaks
118
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:59,464
have become a barren,
strip-mined, muddy landslide
119
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,266
that droops ever downward.
120
00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:04,069
What were once pink
and succulent rose petals
121
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,438
now take the form
of the shredded, raggedy,
122
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,242
blown-out endpiece
of a practical joker's
exploding cigar.
123
00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:11,410
Peter, that-
that's enough.
124
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,978
Lois, you may not be
125
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,780
the young filly you were
when I met you,
126
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:17,349
but you're still my
reliable old plow horse
127
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:18,483
who's there each day
128
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,452
to pull the plow,
to help around the barn,
129
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:23,755
and let the husband horse-slap
a batch at her now and then.
130
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:26,024
Well, I guess that's it.
131
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:27,326
I love you, sweetheart.
132
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:30,128
And I have a lovely gift
of the batchslapping variety
133
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,364
waiting for you when I'm just
the right amount of drunk.
134
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,365
To Lois!
135
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:34,700
ALL:
To Lois!
136
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:38,770
(sobbing, door shuts)
137
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,272
Lois!
Mom!
138
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:41,707
Geez, what the hell's
her problem?
139
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,642
Peter, she was already
feeling insecure about her age,
140
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:46,011
and then you went and gave her
that horrible speech!
141
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,145
I don't blame her.
142
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,214
Nobody likes to be
humiliated in public.
143
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,482
I'm King Stewie!
144
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,451
I rule with
an iron fist!
145
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:56,054
La, la-la, la-la la-la!
Look at me! Ooh!
146
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,357
In my office. Now.
147
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,328
Hey, any of you guys
seen your mother?
148
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,663
She never came
to bed last night,
149
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:05,964
and I can't find
her anywhere.
150
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,165
(car horn beeps)
151
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,134
What the hell?
152
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:13,405
153
00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:20,479
Hey, sluts!
154
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,315
OMG, stop staring at me,
please-'kay-thanks.
155
00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:25,183
Mom, are you okay?
156
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,585
Lois, what's goin' on?
157
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,487
I'm what's
goin' on, Peter.
158
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,489
I got highlights,
I went shopping,
159
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,190
and I had my...
160
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:35,193
So it's tighter now.
161
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:38,363
Peter, I think Lois might be
having a midlife crisis.
162
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:41,266
Come on, dudes!
Who wants to hop in my wheels
163
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,102
and head to the beach
for some ultimate Frisbee?
164
00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:47,506
Yeah, Sheldon, I'm with you.
165
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,613
I can't... I can't do that.
166
00:07:00,386 --> 00:07:02,854
Hey, tweeps!
167
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:04,523
JK, I don't follow you,
you're lame.
168
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:07,692
But look who just got
herself a sick new tat.
169
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:09,728
MEG:
Oh, my God, Mom!
170
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,763
I know,
I can't believe it either.
171
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,699
I guess one of my flaws
is I'm just kinda brave.
172
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,301
No, that's great actually,
because now
173
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,604
anyone walking behind you
will know that you had $60.
174
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,306
Wow! That is awesome, Lois!
175
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,041
Your bum looks like
an NBA guy's arm.
176
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,043
'Cept it's not payin'
someone to install
177
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,711
a PlayStation in a car.
178
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,580
Lois, you do know
that's permanent?
179
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:29,614
Good. Then that means
180
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,050
my ass is gonna
look young forever.
181
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:39,324
Guys, I, uh, I gotta go
shoot one into the sink.
182
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,592
What's going on?
183
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,561
Mom's acting and dressing
like a 20-year-old.
184
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,296
I know, and I'm
worried about her.
185
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,431
You can't just pretend
to be something you're not.
186
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,433
Yes, just ask
Edward Scissorhands.
187
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:52,003
Okay, now, I'm an excellent
night nurse, so you two get
188
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:55,140
some much-deserved sleep
and don't worry about a thing.
189
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:58,443
I will take such loving care
of this wonderful little gift.
190
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,345
And when you wake up,
well-rested,
191
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,848
your precious little baby
will be smiling
192
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,516
as bright as the sun.
193
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,652
It's dead.
194
00:08:10,923 --> 00:08:13,258
And while I remind you
I can't read yet,
195
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,160
I can only imagine
Madeline would say,
196
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,629
"Take me out of this
disgusting French hospital
197
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,097
and find me some
real parents."
198
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:21,266
Ah! Paper cut!
199
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,667
A razor blade?!
200
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:26,238
Who the hell uses a razor blade
as a bookmark?!
201
00:08:28,107 --> 00:08:30,008
All right,
very funny, Stewie.
202
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,276
What?
What do you mean, what?
203
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,612
You replaced my Jack Daniels
with flat Diet Coke.
204
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:34,946
No, I didn't.
205
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:37,315
And you're noticing this
at 8:20 in the morning?
206
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:38,617
What has happened
to your life?
207
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,018
Do you need to talk?
208
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,453
Just stay away
from my booze!
209
00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:42,654
It wasn't me, Brian.
210
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:43,955
Well, if it wasn't you,
who was it?
211
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,290
I mean, there's a lot
of weird stuff
212
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:48,527
Just yesterday, somebody gave
Peter a "hotbutt."
213
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,829
La, la, la, la, la,
regular life
214
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,198
La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, l...
215
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,067
And then somebody replaced
Meg's sleeping pills
216
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,536
with Alka-Seltzer.
217
00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:01,640
People are gonna miss me
when I'm...
218
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,209
(belching)
219
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,211
Well, I'm sure there's a
perfectly logical explanation
220
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,312
for those things.
221
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,047
Sometimes you just...
222
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,149
Whoa, that was close.
223
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,652
Yeah, how'd
that thing fall over?
224
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:21,159
Okay, who replaced
my glasses with forks?
225
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,727
I mean, they're real good
for seeing forks
226
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,396
but not much else.
227
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:30,101
LOIS:
Peter, can you come down
to the laundry room?
228
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,269
Ugh, son of a bitch.
229
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,004
If she washed
my belt again,
230
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,840
I am gonna hit her
with my dry, withered belt.
231
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,075
What is it, Lois?
232
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,209
I was watching...
233
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:42,080
Whoa, Lois, what the
hell are you doing?
234
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:45,350
Do me, Peter, do me right here
in the basement.
235
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:48,520
Y-You mean this room we're in
or your bum?
236
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:51,690
No, this room, Peter,
right here on the carpet.
237
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:52,958
Oh, so you mean the front.
238
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,726
Just get over here
and kiss me.
239
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,896
Let's have sex on all
the clean, folded laundry.
240
00:09:57,898 --> 00:10:00,599
Wow, Lois, I got to say,
I like this new you.
241
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,866
I like it a lot.
242
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,735
(both giggling)
243
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,237
Oh, Peter!
244
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:08,106
Oh, Peter, yes!
Yeah.
245
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,708
Oh, I'm on fire.
Yeah.
246
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,776
Take me, you
filthy bastard.
Yeah, oh.
247
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,378
Destroy me and
this laundry.
Oh, yeah.
248
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,614
Yeah, here, put Meg's
bra in your mouth.
249
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,616
Oh, my God,
that's so disturbing.
250
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,284
I know, gross.
251
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,552
Yeah, and my hearing's
a lot better,
252
00:10:20,554 --> 00:10:23,221
so I hear, like,
suction and stuff.
253
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:27,425
"All I wanna do is have
a little fun before I die"
254
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:31,463
Says the man next to me
out of nowhere
255
00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:33,465
The good people of the world
256
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,401
Are washing their cars
on their lunch break
257
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,236
Hosing and scrubbing
as best they can
258
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,905
In skirts and suits
259
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:44,843
They drive
their shiny Datsuns and Buicks
260
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:48,279
Back to the phone company,
the record store, too
261
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,448
Well, they're nothing
like Billy and me
262
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:54,919
'Cause all I wanna do
is have some fun
263
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:58,923
I got a feeling
I'm not the only one
264
00:10:58,925 --> 00:11:02,260
All I wanna do
is have some fun
265
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:07,165
I got a feeling
I'm not the only one
266
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,602
All I want to do
is have some fun
267
00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:17,442
Until the sun comes up
over Santa Monica Boulevard.
268
00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:34,325
(sniffs)
269
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:35,293
(screams)
270
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,528
Sheldon. What are you doing?
271
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,530
Get back in your bowl
where you belong.
272
00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:46,471
Well, long as I'm up, I might
as well go spit in Lois's mouth.
273
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,276
Sheldon?
274
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,515
(gasps)
275
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,950
(panting)
276
00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:02,587
Come on, Stewie.
277
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,489
He's just a little turtle.
278
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,591
He can't hurt you.
279
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:13,398
(screams)
280
00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,106
(hissing)
281
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,241
(toilet flushes)
282
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:27,212
(sighs)
283
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,614
Get out!
284
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,755
(chirping)
285
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,131
(squawking)
286
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,632
(neck snaps)
287
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,507
(dance music playing)
288
00:12:58,544 --> 00:12:59,811
Isn't this epic, Peter?
289
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:02,213
That DJ has got
some mad skills.
290
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,382
(sighs) You think they
sell Anacin at the bar?
291
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:05,416
Come on.
292
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,285
Get up and dance
with me, Peter.
293
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,486
This place is sick.
294
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,621
Hells yeah!
295
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:12,223
It is the only
rooftop pool in Providence.
296
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,425
No offense, but this
place is awesome.
297
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,427
I-I-- Where was
I supposed to be offended
298
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,462
within that remark?
299
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,797
Can we, can we leave, Lois?
300
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,498
Actually, we are leaving.
301
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,667
We're hitting another
insane party across town.
302
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,102
What, you mean now?
303
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:26,171
Peter, you sound
like an old fart.
304
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,606
I thought you liked
having a hot, young wife.
305
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:31,442
Well, I did at first,
but the novelty's worn off.
306
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:34,512
Same thing happened with
that blog I started on 9/11.
307
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:49,460
Look, Peter,
you do what you want to do,
308
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,029
but I'm going to that party.
309
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,298
My life isn't over.
It's just beginning.
310
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,667
So if you don't want
to run with the wild horses,
311
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:58,536
then go back to the barn
and go to bed.
312
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:01,005
But, Lois...
313
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,977
Stupid place still doesn't
have my dry cleaning.
314
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:08,513
That's not a dry cleaners.
It's a dance club.
315
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:09,480
It is?
316
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:11,883
Well, that explains a lot.
317
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:13,952
(phone ringing)
318
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,020
Oh, this is my jam!
319
00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:26,197
Jeez, Peter, you
look terrible.
320
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,699
I know.
Lois has been wearing me out.
321
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:29,300
I just can't keep up with her.
322
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,002
I don't know what
she's trying to prove, Brian,
323
00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,303
but I can't take it anymore.
324
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,471
Peter, can't you see?
325
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:34,739
She's doing this
because of you.
326
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,741
For God's sake, you
called her a plow horse.
327
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,244
It's no wonder she's trying to
prove she's young and vibrant.
328
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:40,712
(over TV):
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
329
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,513
The city of Quahog
has been stricken
330
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,382
with a case of Bieber Fever
tonight,
331
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:47,318
as teen idol and fake black guy
Justin Bieber
332
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,687
is in town for a sold-out show
at the Quahog Civic Center.
333
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,189
We now go live
334
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,424
to Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa with more.
335
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,093
(girls screaming)
Tom, I'm standing here
336
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,694
at the Quahog Civic Center,
337
00:14:56,696 --> 00:15:00,531
awash in a pool
of prepubescent sexual moisture.
338
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,501
Woo-hoo!
We love you, Justin!
339
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:04,836
Look!
That's Mom!
340
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,504
Oh, my God!
What the hell?
341
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:07,872
She's at
a Justin Bieber concert?
342
00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:10,108
Ugh, Justin Bieber's
so yesterday.
343
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,210
I'm all about
Quentin Vashay now.
344
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:13,678
Who's Quentin Vashay?
345
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,113
Exactly.
346
00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:16,114
What's going on?
347
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,116
Do we have to get
a new mom now?
348
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,183
No, Chris.
349
00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:21,219
I'm gonna go get
our old mom back.
350
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,221
If I'm the one
who made her feel this way,
351
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,056
then I'm the one
who's got to fix it.
352
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:26,557
Brian, keys!
353
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,092
Chris, beer!
354
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,161
Meg, ugly!
355
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:34,032
Mm-hmm. Yes.
356
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,400
Yes, I see.
357
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,035
Rupert, the man
from the newspaper
358
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,470
would like a quote from you
about my dancing abilities.
359
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,905
Rupert?
360
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:43,141
Where'd you go?
361
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,276
Magnolia Cupcakes?
362
00:15:47,046 --> 00:15:48,046
(screams)
363
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:49,280
Rupert! Oh, my God!
364
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,815
Oh, my God, no!
365
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,284
If he did this to you,
I swear I'll kill him!
366
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:56,354
And what's that box from
Bloomingdale's doing here?
367
00:15:58,657 --> 00:16:02,260
I, uh, I-I don't know
who this is.
368
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:05,363
(crowd cheering)
369
00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:12,804
(women screaming)
370
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:15,273
Oh, my God, he is so adorable.
371
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,241
I could just bite him
and eat him up.
372
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:18,943
I know, he's perfect.
373
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:20,511
He's like a boy
and a girl.
374
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,013
I know!
375
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:24,549
(women screaming)
376
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:30,955
Sorry, you're not
allowed in here.
377
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,256
Oh, yeah?
378
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,959
I'm not into that.
379
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:36,027
Oh.
380
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,762
Well, what
are you into?
381
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,263
Pinkberry.
382
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:40,331
I love my job.
383
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:43,034
Yum, yum, yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum, yum.
384
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:47,038
Hey, there, cutie.
385
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,873
Oh, hey. How's it going?
386
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,842
Um, are you a friend
of my mom's?
387
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:52,176
(chuckles)
388
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:55,713
Yeah. I'm your mom's friend,
Mrs. Robinson.
389
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,215
I don't... I don't get that.
390
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,683
Is that a reference
to something?
391
00:16:58,685 --> 00:16:59,984
Uh, okay.
392
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:02,620
Uh, I'm, uh-- oh,
I'm Stifler's mom.
393
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,222
Still no idea.
394
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,157
Okay, just get
your pants off, hon.
395
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,026
Stop right there!
Get away from her!
396
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,160
Peter?!
Who are you?
397
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:13,464
Step away from my wife,
you acorn-penised beauty!
398
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:15,199
Look, I swear.
Nothing happened.
399
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,501
Just relax, old man.
400
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,136
Old man?!
401
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:21,305
What, you think you're not gonna
get old, you little bastard?!
402
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:23,241
And, Lois, I've had
enough of you, too!
403
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,343
Now, you come home
and start acting your age!
404
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,311
No, Peter. I don't
want to act my age,
405
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:28,913
and you don't
want that either.
406
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:31,549
Otherwise, you wouldn't have
called me an old plow horse.
407
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,317
Look, I didn't mean
to say that.
408
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:34,318
I-I was a jerk.
409
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,254
But isn't this
what you want?
410
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,523
Don't you want me to
stay young and exciting?
411
00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:39,857
Well, I thought I did.
412
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,659
I mean, every guy
who's been married a while
413
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,194
thinks he wants
a hot, young chick,
414
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,096
but after you spend an hour
with one of them,
415
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:46,364
you want to blow
your brains out.
416
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:49,667
But, Peter, I was just
doing this to make you happy.
417
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,335
You do make me happy, Lois.
418
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:53,838
You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
419
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,206
That's sweet.
420
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,909
But you got to admit,
I'm not what I used to be.
421
00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,077
Well, neither am I.
422
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,711
(roars)
423
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,346
I used to be
a lion tamer.
424
00:18:02,348 --> 00:18:04,549
Look, Lois,
I'll always treasure
425
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:07,285
the wild, little hottie
I met when I was young.
426
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,253
But I don't want to be
with a kid anymore.
427
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:13,091
I want a smart, sexy, beautiful,
middle-aged companion.
428
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,892
I want the real Lois.
429
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,127
My Lois.
430
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:17,862
Oh, Peter.
431
00:18:21,066 --> 00:18:24,368
Mr. Bieber, they're
calling for an encore!
432
00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:28,139
Oh, my God, those kids
are expecting a show.
433
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,307
I'll handle this.
434
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,442
(crowd cheering)
435
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:37,081
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Bieber.
436
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:41,486
People see us everywhere
437
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:45,623
They think you really care
438
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:50,228
But myself I can't deceive
439
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:56,334
I know it's only
make-believe...
440
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,452
(air hissing)
441
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:18,356
STEWIE: Well, well,
look who has surfaced.
442
00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:24,028
You're getting colder.
443
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:32,370
(yells)
444
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,540
(hisses)
445
00:19:38,143 --> 00:19:39,477
(hisses)
446
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:41,445
Hey, get out here
and fight me!
447
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,520
(screams)
448
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:54,759
(coughs)
449
00:19:55,794 --> 00:19:56,928
Damn it!
450
00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:07,371
Now batting:
Stewie Griffin!
451
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,140
(beeping steadily)
452
00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:10,441
Oh, crap.
453
00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:23,020
Ugh, you look like
a nude Larry David.
454
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,223
No, no, no!
455
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:26,424
(video game sound effects)
456
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,025
Oh, my God, Super Mario?
457
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:29,393
What are you doing here?
458
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,329
(Italian accent):
I jump on a turtle, Stewie.
459
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:34,632
It's not an exciting life,
but it's my life.
460
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,737
It sure is good to
have you back, Mom.
461
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,505
Yeah, we missed you.
462
00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:43,407
Well, thanks for putting up
with me, you guys.
463
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:46,210
Sorry I got so flipped out
about my age.
464
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:47,678
Aw, don't worry
about it, Lois.
465
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,247
But from now on,
remember:
466
00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:51,515
I love you just
the way you are.
467
00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:53,918
And besides, there's nothing
wrong with being 35.
468
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,420
Peter, I'm 43.
469
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,289
Get out of this house.
470
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:23,347
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