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1
00:00:01,868 --> 00:00:04,670
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,973
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:11,643
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,480
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:17,616
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:21,487
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,022
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:24,890
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:27,993
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
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00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:30,262
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
11
00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:37,503
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
12
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:40,239
This just in: Wanted fugitive,
Bobby "The Shirt" Briggs,
13
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:42,674
notorious for always wearing
shirts while committing
14
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,309
his crimes,
has finally been caught
15
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:46,145
after 15 years on the lam.
16
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:48,147
A police spokesperson
was quoted as saying,
17
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,581
"Duh, I'm a dumb cop.
18
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,383
I like to give
Tom Tucker a ticket."
19
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,052
I was going, like, 41.
20
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:55,054
Oh, my God,
I don't believe it.
21
00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:57,322
They finally got that
son of a bitch, Briggs.
22
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:58,323
You know that guy?
23
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,025
You're damn right, I do.
24
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:03,062
Bobby Briggs is the one who
put me in this wheelchair.
25
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,763
(crying):
They got him.
26
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,031
They finally got him.
27
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:07,833
Geez, Joe, you okay?
28
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:10,502
(crying)
29
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,404
Here, use my handkerchief.
30
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:13,872
It's wet and cold.
31
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,274
Well, yeah,
it's my handkerchief.
32
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,042
I've been blowing
my nose in it all day.
33
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:19,411
Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs
is the one who crippled you?
34
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,046
You always told us
you fell off a roof
35
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,247
during a fight with the Grinch.
36
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,416
(sighs) I lied.
37
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,719
I lied because I was ashamed
of the real story:
38
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,055
that I let a vicious
criminal get away.
39
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,123
What happened?
40
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,724
Well, it was 1996.
41
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,693
Briggs was one of the
biggest heroin dealers
42
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,029
east of Providence, which is
mostly just open water,
43
00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:40,132
but still, I'd been undercover,
tracking his operation
44
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:43,836
for six months and had finally
gained his confidence.
45
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:50,209
I had almostgathered enough evidence
46
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,077
to put Briggs away for good,
47
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,212
but I knew a taped confession
48
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,746
would make the casea slam dunk.
49
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,782
This is gonna take us
to the next level.
50
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,817
We're gonna be banging
so many hot chicks
51
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,385
with jeans up to
their navels.
52
00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:02,654
Bobby Briggs, you're
really good at heroin.
53
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,957
How much heroin
is here, Bobby Briggs?
54
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,325
Why are you
talking like that?
55
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:08,160
Are you wearing a wire?
56
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,964
Oh, you're dead,
Joe Swansonson.
57
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,233
My undercover namewas Swansonson.
58
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,400
Easy, Briggs.
59
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,903
You kill a cop,
they'll put you away forever.
60
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,606
Then get ready to spend
the rest of your life
61
00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:23,175
as a lame gimp
with an annoying-voiced wife.
62
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,243
He'd met Bonnie.
63
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:27,179
(screaming in pain)
64
00:02:28,948 --> 00:02:30,616
Briggs got away,
65
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,317
and I've been in this wheelchair
ever since.
66
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,253
I like that you
can tell me a story
67
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,355
starting at the Clam
and ending on a Ferris wheel.
68
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,756
Yeah, people
are starving in Africa,
69
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,258
and I'm at a carnival
70
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,460
with my best buddies
on a beautiful night.
71
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:44,196
Blessings. Blessings.
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00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,969
So, Joe, it must
feel great to finally
73
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,704
have some closure
with Bobby Briggs.
74
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,006
Yeah.
75
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:56,175
You know last night was
the first time in 15 years
76
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:57,843
I didn't strangle
Bonnie in my sleep?
77
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,444
Okay.
78
00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:02,514
Hey, Dad, you're gonna
want to see this.
79
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:05,884
Again recapping
our breaking news,
80
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:09,188
longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs
has escaped from police custody.
81
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:11,456
His whereabouts
are currently unknown.
82
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,892
News of Briggs's escape
first broke on Telemundo,
83
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,327
if you can believe that.
84
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,729
Escapo!Escapo! Escapo!
85
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:20,132
Briggs reportedly escaped
during a prison open house,
86
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:23,168
an event that will most likely
be canceled in the future.
87
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,704
No, no!
I can't believe it.
88
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,306
Oh, don't worry, Joe,
they'll get him back.
89
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:28,540
No, they won't!
90
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,043
It took 15 years
to catch him.
91
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,078
Well, this seems like a good
time to be heading out.
92
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,479
I should be getting back anyway.
93
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:36,181
I left Rupert with a sitter.
94
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:37,482
Well, you know
where everything is.
95
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,818
Feel free to help yourself
to anything in the fridge.
96
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:44,656
And Mr. Con Man here can have
pudding or ice cream, not both.
97
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:50,229
Chief, can I have a word?
98
00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:52,097
Yeah, but first,
you have to agree
99
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,565
there's a huge
difference
100
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,701
between bisexual men
and homosexual men.
101
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,269
Sure, Chief.
Thank you. Huge.
102
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,104
What is it?
103
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,606
Well, Chief, I'm here
because I want you
104
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,174
to put me on the Briggs case.
105
00:04:02,176 --> 00:04:03,342
Absolutely not.
106
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,109
Come on, Chief!
107
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:05,110
I know everything about Briggs.
108
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:07,179
I'm the only one
who can catch him.
109
00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:09,414
No, Swanson, you're
too close to the case.
110
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,116
I'm putting Officers
Grant and Casey on it
111
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:13,051
because they're so
far from the case,
112
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,519
they don't care
about it at all.
113
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,221
Hi, Chief.
Hi.
114
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,422
This isn't fair!
115
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,358
Swanson, you know
your assignment.
116
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,892
You get me the guy who's
been rubbing his butt
117
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,594
all over Dunkin' Donuts.
118
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:24,896
Can I help you?
119
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,365
Not illegal. Not illegal.
120
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,133
Show me the law.
Not illegal.
121
00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:34,139
Hey, Joe, look,
I know you're down
122
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,375
about this Briggs thing,
and that kind of bums me out,
123
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,143
so I got you
this Cookie Puss.
124
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,278
(laughs)
Isn't that funny?
125
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,380
Look at that weird nose.
126
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,582
I think your nose
is weird.
127
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,150
Guys, I'm telling you, I...
128
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,486
I just don't think
I could live with Briggs
129
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,588
on the lam for another 15 years.
130
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,423
Well, why don't you
do something about it?
131
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,659
I can't do anything about it.
The chief won't let me.
132
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,093
Joe, if they don't
find this guy,
133
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,329
it's gonna eat you alive
for the rest of your life.
134
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,964
You got to take matters
into your own hands.
135
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,399
You got to go after this guy.
136
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:02,301
But that's a breach
of police protocol.
137
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,935
This isn't about you
as a cop.
138
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,304
This is
about you as a man.
139
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:07,105
Come on, what do you say?
140
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,174
Quagmire and I will help you
bring this guy to justice.
141
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,609
(chuckles) Peter,
what did I say
142
00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:12,678
about you volunteering
me for (bleep)?
143
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,780
All right, let's do it!
144
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,415
MAYOR WEST:
Well, if you're gonna do it,
145
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:19,351
you're gonna need someone
who's very good at disguise.
146
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,819
Who said that?
147
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,821
I'd love to go with you,
but I can't.
148
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,356
I'm supposed to be
the gift table
149
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,425
at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.
150
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:34,132
All right, if we're
gonna go after Briggs,
151
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,068
this might be a good
place to start.
152
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,105
I've spent the
last 15 years
153
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,673
gathering
information on him,
154
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,308
and it's all here.
155
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,143
Every crime he's committed,
every associate he's...
156
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:47,779
Oh, look, Briggs
was All-County JV swimming.
157
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,548
Well, I don't just
focus on the negative.
158
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:53,118
Joe, your 25-year-old son
and your baby daughter share
159
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,454
a room just so you can keep
a weirdo Beautiful Mind room?
160
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,055
Isn't that a little bizarre?
161
00:05:57,057 --> 00:06:00,992
And then we dug the bullets out
of that Iraqi family's skulls
162
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,861
so they couldn't
be traced back to us.
163
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,330
MAN'S VOICE:
Today, I saw a balloon.
164
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:07,966
Briggs' FBI profile
says the only relationship
165
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,703
he's maintained over the years
is with a stripper named Tanya.
166
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,071
Tax records show
she currently works
167
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,840
at a club in Atlantic City.
168
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,041
So that's our first stop.
169
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,642
Is there touching
at the club?
170
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:20,145
I-I-I don't know,
Peter. Maybe.
171
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:21,646
Okay, this is good,
this is good.
172
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:23,815
I'll be sure to pack
my blamming jeans.
173
00:06:27,086 --> 00:06:28,253
Hey, listen,
thanks for agreeing
174
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,555
to take care of Principessa
while we're gone, Lois.
175
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,690
It's our pleasure.
176
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:32,924
She looks like
a nice kitty.
177
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,693
Uh, kitty?
178
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,194
Lois, she is
a purebred Persian.
179
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,264
I can trace her lineage
to the cats kept by Cleopatra.
180
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,099
Just tell me what
I need to do, Glenn.
181
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,901
Well, first, she has
a very active bowel.
182
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,103
You can't be too generous
with the baby wipes.
183
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,205
Stroke front to back
like you would on yourself.
184
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,574
Otherwise, you're smashing
feces into her genitals.
185
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,909
Also, she's very skittish,
186
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,944
so you have to
touch her like this.
187
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:55,614
I'm going to touch you now.
188
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:56,782
Is that okay?
189
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,617
See how I'm going?
190
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:03,622
Slowly, slowly.
191
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:06,591
Oh, the mysteries
you keep inside of you.
192
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,094
PETER:
Quagmire, come on,
let's go.
193
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,195
(car engine starts)
194
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:11,963
All right, I guess we're off.
195
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,198
Hey, you guys,
check out the look
196
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,966
on Lois's face
when I do this.
197
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,802
(tires screech)
198
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,136
Peter!
199
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,038
Clean that up, you idiot!
200
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,306
Love you.
201
00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:31,082
Boy, it'll be satisfying
to finally slap the cuffs
202
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,951
on Briggs once and for all.
203
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,053
Hey, you ever just drive
through a town and wonder,
204
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,222
"Who the hell lives here?"
All the time.
205
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,124
Look at this place.
I mean, what-what's going on?
206
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,226
There's an adult
with a lemonade stand.
207
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,061
That Chinese restaurant
still has the sign
208
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,229
from when it was a mechanic.
209
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,797
I don't want to eat lo mein
210
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,232
where they were
just changing mufflers.
211
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,835
There's an apartment
above that Arby's.
212
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,570
With toys in the window.
213
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,171
Someone has built
a life up there.
214
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:54,573
What a mess.
215
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,141
I'm telling you,
the Founding Fathers would be
216
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,176
very disappointed in
where their country ended up.
217
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,145
Eh, it wasn't so perfect
back then, either.
218
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,080
And so I say unto you,
219
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,983
sons of liberty,
no longer will free men
220
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:08,086
live under the yoke
of giant predatory birds.
221
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:11,690
Shrieking, swooping down,
stealing our livestock.
222
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:12,991
What's going on in here?
223
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,994
N-Nothing, uh, just
bellyaching about the British.
224
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,829
Get back to warming
those eggs.
225
00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:22,000
(muffled music playing)
226
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,602
(brakes screech)
227
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,737
228
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:29,674
All right,
this is the place.
229
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,310
We got to see if we
can find Briggs's girl.
230
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,979
Hey, we're looking
for a stripper named Tanya.
231
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,113
She here tonight?
232
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,048
Yeah, she's working
the Champagne Room.
233
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,750
Follow me.
234
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:41,887
Hey, Quagmire, you, uh...
235
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,722
you ever been to
Atlantic City before?
236
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,957
Once, about 20
years ago. Why?
237
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,626
All right!
All right!
238
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,327
All right!
All right!
239
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,997
Hey, are you Tanya?
240
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,532
Yeah. Who are you?
241
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,166
A guy who's looking
for Bobby Briggs.
242
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,167
Where is he?
243
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,836
I don't know any Bobby Briggs.
244
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,804
And even if I did,
I wouldn't tell you.
245
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:00,705
You're lying!
246
00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,240
Joe, let me handle this.
247
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,808
I know how to communicate
with strippers.
248
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,176
All I need is one dance,
249
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,345
and I'll know
everything she knows.
250
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:08,480
You free for a dance?
251
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,382
Sure.
252
00:09:11,817 --> 00:09:12,817
I need information.
253
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:14,352
I was molested by my dad.
254
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:16,254
I know that.
I need other information.
255
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,857
I want you to tell me
where I can find Bobby Briggs.
256
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,759
Come on, you know
I can't give out
257
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,360
a client's personal
information.
258
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,864
All right, I'm gonna have
to do the Vulcan V-Meld.
259
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,999
260
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,843
He lives at 2820
Ocean Boulevard,
261
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,845
across from the park,
apartment two.
262
00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:41,780
Atta girl.
263
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,282
Okay, now spit
in your own mouth.
264
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,284
This is a cool place.
265
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:52,390
Boy, it sure is nice having
Mr. Quagmire's cat around.
266
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,926
I got to say, cats are
so much better than dogs.
267
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,862
Well, that's kind of
a broad statement.
It's true.
268
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:00,265
Okay, show me one way in which
cats are better than dogs.
269
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,233
Well, okay, uh,
for one thing,
270
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,902
they always land
on their feet.
271
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,303
Watch.
272
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,138
So? Big deal.
Dogs do that, too.
273
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,975
Here, go ahead, do what you
just did, but with me.
274
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,810
Ow! Oh, my God!
275
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,311
Oh, my neck! Ow!
276
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:15,113
Oh, my God, Brian!
277
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,215
Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
Call somebody! Oh!
278
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,817
We need one of
those boards
279
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,885
they use for
football players! Ow!
280
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:22,220
Hey, what's going on?
281
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,421
Nothing.
282
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:27,158
I just figured out
why cats are better than babies.
283
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,294
Well, that's kind of
a broad statement.
284
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:34,866
Okay, 2820 Ocean,
this is it.
285
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:42,507
All right, apartment number two.
286
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,009
We'll just pick the lock.
287
00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:50,315
What? What is that?
288
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:54,019
Let's use our eyes to see.
289
00:10:57,857 --> 00:10:59,791
Aw, this guy has sugar cereals.
290
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:01,426
His mom must be so cool.
291
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,161
And he's got a trash compactor.
292
00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:05,797
(machine clattering)
293
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,365
It compacted it all.
294
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,334
That is so boss.
295
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:17,375
Aha! We meet again, Briggs.
296
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:18,610
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who are you?
297
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:20,178
Joe Swanson.
298
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,312
Who?
299
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:24,282
Wait, you... you
don't remember me?
300
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,351
I infiltrated your
heroin operation.
301
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,219
We saw Reality Bitestogether.
302
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,221
(Joe groans)
303
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,490
You guys, I found him!
304
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,292
He went that way!
305
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,633
(grunts)
306
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,710
(cell phone ringing)
307
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,078
Damn it. That's Lois.
308
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,979
If I don't get this,
she's going to kill me.
309
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:56,881
(grunting)
310
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,386
Hi, sweetie.
311
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,488
Yeah, everything's great.
312
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,890
Of course, I miss you.
313
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,526
Well, how does the supermarket
run out of parsley?
314
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,161
I'm as angry as you are.
315
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,796
Peter, I'm going to fall!
316
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:22,607
It looks like
you're out of roof.
317
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:33,351
Damn it.
There's no way across.
318
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,520
Spidey, can you swing us
across with your web?
319
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,455
No, I can't
swing you across.
320
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,457
And it's Spider-Man,
not Spidey.
321
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,259
I'm pretty sure I've heard
people call you Spidey.
322
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,594
Yeah, close friends.
323
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:43,895
What's your name?
Peter.
324
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,530
Hey, Petey,
do stuff for me.
325
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,699
Oh, I don't like that.
Yeah, you don't like it.
326
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,801
And you're a fat nobody,
and I'm (bleep) Spider-Man,
327
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,669
so how do you
think I feel?
328
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,908
He's getting away.
Guys, drop me over the side!
329
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,109
Are you crazy, Joe?!
330
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,377
That fall
will kill you.
331
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,513
Not if I land on my legs.
332
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:05,450
(grunting)
333
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,285
PETER:
Heads up.
334
00:13:08,587 --> 00:13:10,488
(panting)
335
00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:13,525
I got you now, Briggs.
336
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:29,340
CROWD:
Move that bus!
337
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,943
(cheering)
338
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,478
(gasps)
339
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,181
Enjoy your new home.
340
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,983
He's gone, you guys!
341
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,185
I had him!
342
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:41,653
That was our one chance!
343
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:42,921
It's all right, Joe.
344
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,355
You got nothing
to be ashamed of.
345
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,490
You're a great cop
346
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:46,624
with a very
distinguished career.
347
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,293
You caught that guy
who was killing
348
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:49,494
all those
Filipino girls.
349
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,196
Yeah, but this was important!
350
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:52,964
This was the guy
who ruined my life.
351
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,333
The one perp
who meant everything to me.
352
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,434
If I caught this guy,
353
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,336
I'd finally be able
to sleep at night.
354
00:13:58,338 --> 00:13:59,504
Damn it!
355
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,338
(siren whoops)
356
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,006
Oh, thank God. Cops.
357
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,041
Oh, good.
358
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,342
You guys
can still catch Briggs.
359
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,476
He's headed that way.
360
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,377
We're not here for him.
361
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,645
We're here for you guys.
362
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,147
You're under arrest
for interfering
363
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:10,682
with a police
investigation.
364
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:11,816
What?
365
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,284
Yeah, what the hell?
366
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,386
You should be out there
arresting the real criminals.
367
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,521
Like switchblade-wielding
white guys
368
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,624
from movies and TV
who don't talk like people talk.
369
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:20,692
Easy, mama.
370
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,293
Hand over that purse,
and everything
371
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,429
will be real cool,
you dig?
372
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:31,135
Guys, you got to let us
out of here.
373
00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:33,872
Yeah, the bastard's
making a break for it,
374
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,573
just like
South America.
375
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,075
Hmm.
376
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,310
Lot of black guys over there.
377
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,979
Hey, man,
where you going?
378
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,313
I'll be back.
I'm coming back.
379
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:43,681
I'll be right back.
380
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,149
Why would the cops
arrest us
381
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,318
instead of going
after Briggs?
382
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,389
Flannigan?
Wait a minute.
383
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,725
That's one of the corrupt cops
who helped harbor Briggs
384
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,660
while he was on the lam
for 15 years.
385
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,195
These guys are bad news.
386
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,062
Oh, my God.
387
00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,864
What are they
going to do to us?
388
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,766
We're not going to stick around
to find out.
389
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,601
Joe, hold your handcuffs
over my lap.
390
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:04,702
(zip)
391
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:06,004
What the hell is that?
392
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,071
Swiss Army penis.
393
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,573
(sawing)
394
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,275
Wow, Quagmire.
That's incredible.
395
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,676
Peter?
396
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:12,777
(sawing)
397
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,445
Yours are made
of a stronger metal.
398
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:17,582
We're going to have to go
with the acetylene torch penis.
399
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,117
Don't...
don't look right at it.
400
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,253
My STDs help it
burn brighter.
401
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,189
The keys are in
the ignition. Let's go!
402
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,627
I told you to search
that guy's penis.
403
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,863
You say that
about everybody.
404
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,033
Yeah, we did it!
But we lost Briggs.
405
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,634
How are we
going to find him now?
406
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,969
We got nothing.
407
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:39,971
Well, I don't know if
it helps, but I found
408
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,739
this number next to the
phone in his kitchen.
409
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,708
I was saving it 'cause
I was going to make
410
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,209
a scrapbook of the
trip for you guys.
411
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,577
Let me see that.
412
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,780
This is the area code
for Juarez, Mexico.
413
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,448
He's trying to get
over the border!
414
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,317
You think so?
Definitely.
415
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:53,952
There's only one road
into Juarez,
416
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,553
and it goes
through El Paso.
417
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,055
We got to get
to El Paso.
418
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,556
Joe, how do you know
419
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,224
the area code for
Juarez, Mexico?
420
00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:03,261
There was a stem cell doctor
I went down there to see.
421
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:06,331
He just rubbed, like,
salsa on my legs.
422
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:11,069
Hey, you're not
in uniform.
423
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,004
Are you guys cops?
424
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,739
Are you guys cops?
425
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,341
They know we're not cops!
426
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:17,408
(tires squealing)
427
00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:24,082
All right, guys,
the next flight
428
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,650
to El Paso leaves
in 40 minutes.
429
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,018
But Briggs is ahead of us.
430
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:28,252
Won't he already be there?
431
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:30,288
No, he'd never risk
going through an airport.
432
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:31,689
Too many cops,
too many cameras,
433
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:32,757
too much security.
434
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:33,992
I don't know, Joe.
435
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:35,660
Sometimes the
security's pretty lax.
436
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,929
I mean, the last plane
I was on got gay-jacked.
437
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:40,631
This plane's going to Miami!
438
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,100
(passengers gasp)
439
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,235
(electronic dance music playing)
440
00:16:52,444 --> 00:16:53,611
Hey, Lois?
441
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,279
Shh. Quiet, Brian.
442
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,981
Mom's taking a nap
on the couch.
443
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,816
Yeah. And look,
she fell asleep
444
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:01,185
with the cat right
on her chest.
445
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,529
Isn't that cute?
446
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:14,966
(purring)
447
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,476
Meow.
448
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:27,478
Purr. Purr.
449
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,480
I think you're dreaming.
450
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,783
No, I'm not.
451
00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:39,323
BRIAN:
Stupid cat!
452
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:44,429
God, it's so damn hot.
453
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,730
Hey, I got an idea.
454
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,266
Let's make
scalding asphalt angels.
455
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,535
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
456
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:51,869
(sizzling)
457
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:54,839
Second-degree burns;
first-degree fun.
458
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,075
Geez, how long we got to
stand out here like this?
459
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,242
Till Briggs comes through.
460
00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,877
You know, I was thinking
about that, Joe.
461
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:02,380
If Briggs is driving here,
that's like 2,000 miles.
462
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:04,449
It's going to be at
least a couple of days.
463
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,217
Huh. I guess you're right.
464
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,953
Well, what are we going to do
for two days in El Paso?
465
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,223
There's a Chicano
heritage festival.
466
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:13,291
No way.
467
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,059
KC and the Sunshine Band
is playing.
468
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:16,260
Why?
469
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,595
Or we could visit
the Pershing House
470
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,230
where John Pershing
took control
471
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,766
of the Eighth Army
Brigade in 1914.
472
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:24,235
So, that's his bed?
Yes.
473
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:25,536
So, that's his desk?
Yes.
474
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,038
So, that's his lamp?
Yes.
475
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,272
So, that's his dresser?
Yes.
476
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,907
So, that's his window?
Yes.
477
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,309
So, that's his floor?
Yes.
478
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,044
Wow.
479
00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,449
What do you got
there, Quagmire?
480
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:39,750
Is that Briggs?
481
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:40,985
No, this guy's clean.
482
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,753
Well, send him through.
What's the holdup?
483
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,222
Sombreros! Maracas!
484
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:46,224
Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls!
485
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,492
Get 'em now, folks!
486
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,627
You're not going to find
this stuff in Mexico!
487
00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:52,997
Come on. What's
going on up there?
488
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,866
Briggs.
489
00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:00,538
Damn it!
He's getting away!
490
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:24,428
(grunts)
491
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:30,001
You're not going to get away
this time, you son of a bitch.
492
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,435
Please, don't kill me.
493
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:32,503
I'm not married.
494
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,005
My life is awesome.
495
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:37,041
I've waited 15 years
for this moment, Briggs.
496
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,043
Do you have any idea
what it's like
497
00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:42,013
to have to lift yourself
into a wheelchair every morning?
498
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:44,549
To have your wife look at you
like you're half a man?
499
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:46,450
To get preferential parking?
500
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:48,352
To board a plane early
with the first-class people
501
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,987
and gold card members?
502
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,656
All right, it's not all bad.
503
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,524
But I'm not going to kill you.
504
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,127
I'm not an animal like you.
505
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:57,895
So, what are you going to do,
arrest me?
506
00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,030
No.
507
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,965
I don't arrest cripples.
508
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:03,501
(groaning)
509
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,403
By the way, you're under arrest.
510
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,838
I only said that last thing
'cause it seemed cool.
511
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,574
Oh, my God,
that was so awesome.
512
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:10,975
I saw everything.
513
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,476
You were all like...
(deep mumbling)
514
00:20:12,478 --> 00:20:14,145
And Briggs was all like...
(high-pitched mumbling)
515
00:20:14,147 --> 00:20:15,913
And then you were all like...
(mimics two gunshots)
516
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:17,481
And then Briggs's legs
were like...
517
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:19,250
(mimics video game
sound effects)
518
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,518
Oh, crap, he's dead.
519
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,019
I think he bled out.
520
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,721
I must have hit
the femoral artery.
521
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,123
Ah, just kick him into Mexico.
522
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,763
Guys, I can't thank you
enough for what you did.
523
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,332
You risked your
lives for me,
524
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,234
and I couldn't have
done it without you.
525
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:37,835
Hey, that's what
pals are for.
526
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,170
Yeah, and thanks for letting me
527
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,771
fire a few rounds
into Briggs's corpse.
528
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:43,774
That was the most powerful
I've felt in a couple years.
529
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,042
Well, you guys helped me
530
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,510
finally have some closure
in my life.
531
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:49,747
I feel like a new man--
like I'm reborn.
532
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,849
Joe, you have blood just
pouring out of your pant leg.
533
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,985
Yeah, I had a ball
blow in the river.38017
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