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1
00:00:00,833 --> 00:00:03,935
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:07,038
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,775
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:10,777 --> 00:00:13,778
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:17,182
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,519
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,953
All the things that make us
8
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:23,788
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:35,367
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,369
Boy, what a great day
for a baseball game.
11
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,737
Yeah, and these
are the best seats
12
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,572
in the house
for catching home run balls.
13
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:41,907
Aw, that'd be sweet.
14
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,776
The only souvenir I ever got was
at that stock car race.
15
00:00:51,717 --> 00:00:53,718
All right,
I got the guy!
16
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:54,986
I got the guy.
17
00:00:57,490 --> 00:00:58,890
Man, I hate
the Yankees.
18
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,892
Yeah! You are all villains
to me
19
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,496
because I happen to live in this
region of the country. Yeah!
20
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,497
(crowd cheering)
21
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,499
What's going on?
Did I miss something?
22
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,668
Nah, just some idiot streaking
across the field.
23
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:13,004
Ha ha. You're all looking
at my penis.
24
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:16,441
You didn't plan on it,
but it's happening.
25
00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:19,110
Oh, cool. Two
spots opened up.
26
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:21,079
You, uh-- y-you go ahead.
27
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,248
I can wait. I might--
I might wait for a stall.
28
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:24,683
Oh, come on, Peter.
29
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,785
We're missing the game.
30
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,587
(unzipping)
31
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,588
Hey. Hi.
32
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,789
Hey.
33
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:32,791
PETER: Damn it.He already started.
34
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,427
If I don't start peeing soon,it's gonna be weird.
35
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,429
He'll be all done,and I'll still be here.
36
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,530
Come on, Peter. Pee.
37
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,098
Your dad foughtin World War II,
38
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,933
and you can't even peein a urinal?
39
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,301
What the hell'swrong with you?
40
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:44,636
All set?
Yup.
41
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:45,604
(zipping)
42
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:46,771
I know you didn't go.
43
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,541
I'm'a go pee
in a stairwell.
44
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,810
STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Now batting
for the Red Sox,
45
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,279
number 34, David Ortiz.
46
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,814
Come on, Big Papi!
47
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,616
(crack of bat, crowd cheering)
48
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:58,984
It's coming straight for us!
49
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,885
I got it, I got it!
50
00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:03,622
Mine! I got it!
It's my ball
51
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,390
Damn it, Brian!
That came to me!
52
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:07,125
That's my ball!
53
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,627
(wind whistling)
What?
54
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,128
Holy crap!
55
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,564
(crowd murmuring)
(gasps)
56
00:02:13,966 --> 00:02:16,134
(crowd laughing hysterically)
57
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:19,971
(slowly increasing
horrified scream)
58
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,806
Wow, I guess
all this time,
59
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,808
Quagmire should've
been saying "wiggity."
60
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,977
Ha!
No, but he's
our friend.
61
00:02:29,982 --> 00:02:31,416
TV ANNOUNCER: And now it's time
62
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:32,817
forthe Channel Five Sports Report
63
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,185
brought to you by Kia.
64
00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:36,154
Kia: Too bad it's a Kia.
65
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,822
A big day at Fenway today,
66
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:40,158
as the Red Sox bested
the Yankees seven to six.
67
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,993
But what really
has everyone talking
68
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,496
is the fan who lost his toupee
at the game.
69
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,031
The hilarious video already has
70
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,166
over two million views
on YouTube.
71
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,202
Comments ranged from sympathy
all the way to racial slurs
72
00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:53,004
directed at others
who chose to comment.
73
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,173
Great, I'm a
laughingstock.
74
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,174
What do I do?
75
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,842
Come on, Quagmire.
It's not so bad.
76
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,377
You could kill yourself.
77
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:01,012
Well, it's just a thought,
78
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,381
but have you ever considered
just embracing your baldness?
79
00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:04,849
Yeah, Brian's right.
80
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,851
You know, there's lots of
big Hollywood celebrities
81
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,687
who have gone bald with dignity.
82
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:11,556
John Travolta, David Spade,
Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven...
83
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,024
And besides,
don't you think
84
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,026
you'll be happier just
being who you really are?
85
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,961
(sighing): Maybe you're
right. What the hell.
86
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,030
I mean, wh-what other choice do
I have at this point?
87
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,532
Everybody knows
now anyway.
88
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:21,533
Great.
Trust me.
89
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,201
Nobody's gonna give
you a hard time.
90
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,869
And even if they do,
just ignore them.
91
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,871
That's what I do
with that weekend bully.
92
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,873
Hey, your weekend sucks!
93
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,542
I've already
gone on a hike
94
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,877
and fixed a few things
around my house!
95
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,045
What are you doing?!
96
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,213
Peter, who is that man?
97
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,815
I don't want to talk
about it.
98
00:03:39,585 --> 00:03:42,721
Dad, there's a weird bald guy
out in front of our house.
99
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,888
Ah, that's just Quagmire.
100
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,990
He's acting all different
now that he's bald.
101
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:47,058
I'll go talk to him.
102
00:03:48,060 --> 00:03:49,661
Hey, slow down!
103
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,229
Drive like hell,
you'll get there!
104
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,997
Quagmire, what the
hell are you doing?
105
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:54,999
I'm just letting
all these hot-rodders know
106
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:57,836
that this is a neighborhood,
not a speedway track.
107
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,003
Too fast, too fast!
108
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:01,239
Our children should not have
to live in fear!
109
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,007
Okay, well, how come
you're not doing this
110
00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:04,576
in front of your own house?
111
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,578
Oh, my ham radio interferes
with the radar gun.
112
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,747
Talked to a fella in Papua
New Guinea last night.
113
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,949
You should come by sometime
and join in the fun.
114
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,584
VOICE ON RADIO: Hello?
115
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,952
H-Hello?
116
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,754
Are you bald?
(static crackles)
117
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:16,988
Yeah.
118
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:21,760
Can I help you?
119
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,294
Well, I hope you can, Sharon.
120
00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:26,297
I'd just like to return this
VHS copy of Pete's Dragon.
121
00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:29,300
Watched, enjoyed
and rewound.
122
00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:31,302
Uh, there are a lot
of people waiting.
123
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:32,871
Is there anything else?
124
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,939
Uh, yes. Do you have
a garbage can back there?
125
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:38,209
I have the backings
to some Fruit Roll-Ups
I need to discard.
126
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,445
I'm sorry. That's for
library trash only.
127
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,046
I understand.
That's okay.
128
00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:44,449
I'll just hold on to these
for the rest of the day.
129
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,451
It ain't easy
bein' green, huh?
(weak chuckle)
130
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:47,886
That's from a song.
131
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:48,887
Is that all?
132
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,655
Yeah. Is there
an age restriction
133
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:52,824
for the sleight-of-hand
magic show this afternoon?
134
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,626
Twelve.
Ooh.
135
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:57,061
Maybe I'll just stand
in the hallway and look in.
136
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:59,898
Now, we all saw you put
your card back in the deck.
137
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,967
So, how did it end up...
in your shirt pocket?
138
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,905
Oh, my God,
how did he
do that?
139
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:12,076
Oh, no, there's Quagmire.
140
00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:14,846
He's been so
weird lately.
141
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,347
You notice now
that he's bald,
142
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:18,817
whenever he thinks
about something, he
scratches his wrist?
143
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,652
Hey, Quagmire,
we got a pitcher.
144
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,653
You want a beer?
145
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,989
I was planning on looking
at pictures of birds later,
146
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,858
and I don't want to be all
fuzzy-headed for that.
147
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,860
Listen, Quagmire,
we hate you now.
148
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,328
Yeah, you used to be fun.
149
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,697
Yeah, now you're always either
preparing for a colonoscopy
150
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:34,332
or just coming back
from a colonoscopy.
151
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,867
The (bleep) going on
down there?
152
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:37,869
Well, that's what we're
trying to figure out.
153
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,704
Come on, we want
our buddy back.
154
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:41,339
I'm not putting that
toupee on again, Peter.
155
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,842
So... I-I'm not sure
what you want me to do.
156
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,443
You could get
a hair transplant.
157
00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:48,213
Oh, yeah. Like one of
those guys pretending
to get out of the pool.
158
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:49,614
That looks all right.
159
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:51,516
Yeah, come on, Quagmire.
Get the hair transplant.
160
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,517
Come back to us.
161
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,352
You're right.
This isn't me.
162
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,721
Baldness is for women's
crotches, not men's heads.
163
00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:58,857
There you go,
that's pretty gross.
164
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,525
Yeah, that's the spirit,
Quagmire.
165
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,694
Oh, boy, listen, thanks
for putting up with me
166
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,229
the last couple weeks.
Hey, no problem.
167
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,865
You put up with me
when I was barefoot guy.
168
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,234
Boy, nothing like a beer
with the fellas, eh?
169
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:11,803
Peter, would you mind
putting on some shoes?
170
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:12,971
Oh, you mean
foot prisons?
171
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:13,705
Yes, I would.
172
00:06:17,042 --> 00:06:19,310
Glenn Quagmire?
173
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,812
Why does that name
sound familiar?
174
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,413
Oh, yeah, I treated
you for butt flu.
175
00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:23,915
Hey, you want
to keep it down?
176
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,316
Easy now. That's
my privilege
177
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,385
as a doctor to talk
about that stuff.
178
00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:30,889
How's it going,
Dr. Kamada?
179
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,957
Bob!
180
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,894
Mattaaayy.
181
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,595
Oh, hiya, Rachael.
182
00:06:37,597 --> 00:06:39,230
Oh, hey, Dr. Geller.
183
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,598
Sarah.
184
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,233
Jim.
185
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,835
Merianna.
186
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:44,769
Geez, Joe.
187
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,337
Yeah, I come here a lot.
188
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,739
All right, I'm gonna
hit the john.
189
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,408
Good. Me and Joe can stay here
and tell secrets.
190
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,844
I'm wearing my dead
grandmother's panties.
191
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,780
DOCTOR: I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,
192
00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:58,583
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
but the cancer is terminal.
193
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,752
If you're lucky,
you've got two weeks to live.
194
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,587
I understand.
195
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,922
Oh, my God!
196
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,924
Carter's dying?!
197
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:09,861
I now declare this
hair transplant
officially over!
198
00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:10,862
(fires gun)
199
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:11,796
Hey, hey, hey!
200
00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:12,797
He's back!
201
00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:14,766
You look great,
Quagmire.
202
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,100
(pager beeping)
203
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,103
Oh, my God.
One of my patients
on Two has been shot.
204
00:07:23,809 --> 00:07:24,876
Hey, Stewie.
205
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,277
Um, hey, what's up?
206
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,646
Were you-- were you just
looking at Rollerblades?
207
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:29,814
What? No.
Yeah, who cares?
208
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:30,882
What do you want?
209
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,884
Listen, I was at the hospital
earlier,
210
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,953
and I heard something
I wish I hadn't.
211
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,789
Oh, please do not tell me
it was a sexist remark,
212
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,791
because... because
that is not okay.
213
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,226
You know, those nurses
are busting their asses,
214
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,329
weighing people and
seeing how tall they are.
215
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:47,899
Stewie, I heard a doctor tell
Carter he has two weeks to live.
216
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,801
What? Are you sure?
217
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,169
I saw it with my own eyes.
218
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,071
I gotta check this out.
219
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,806
Oh, my God, you're right!
220
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,140
He looks awful.
221
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,343
(beeping)
222
00:07:58,345 --> 00:07:59,811
Wait, how are
we seeing this?
223
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,013
Oh, I've got a nanny cam
hidden inside his house.
224
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:05,016
Watching him nail his
cleaning woman is how
I'm learning Spanish.
225
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:07,752
Although I'm not sure what
the Spanish word "no" means,
226
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:10,154
because it doesn't seem to mean
the same thing as it does here.
227
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,991
And the worst part is, I don't
think Lois even knows he's sick.
228
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,993
Oh, this is going
to destroy her!
229
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,829
Oh, just thinking about
it makes me all giddy.
230
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,931
Like a group of women
ordering dessert.
231
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,866
And then we
have a chocolate,
chocolate cake
232
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:24,535
that's infused
with chocolate served
with chocolate ice cream
233
00:08:24,537 --> 00:08:25,937
and a molten
chocolate topping.
234
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,839
We'll have one of those
with four spoons.
235
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,541
More like four of those
with one spoon for me!
236
00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:33,611
(continuous, staccato,
giddy laughter)
237
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,855
Oh, hi, Brian.
238
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,023
Hey, Lois.
239
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:48,292
Listen, I have something
I need to tell you, but...
240
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:49,894
it might be difficult for you
to hear.
241
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:51,029
What is it?
242
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,196
Lois...
243
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,965
I think your father is dying.
244
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,700
What?!
(flashbulb pops)
245
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:56,801
Ha!
246
00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:58,870
Brian, what are you
talking about?
247
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,471
Well, yesterday at the hospital,
248
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,907
I heard a doctor tell him
he has cancer...
249
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,876
and that he has
two weeks to live.
250
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,377
Oh, my God.
251
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,046
Oh, my God, Daddy!
252
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,881
Yeah, I feel really
horrible for you,
253
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,549
and I hate to do this,
254
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,217
but I'm trying to
catch a 4:50 movie,
255
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,887
and it's, like, 4:40 now, and,
so, if I'm going to make it,
256
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,955
I have to leave,
like, now.
257
00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:23,828
Yeah, this-this stinks,
258
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:27,131
but I've already
blown this guy off,
like, twice, so...
259
00:09:31,336 --> 00:09:33,571
I've been trying to call
my parents all day,
260
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,239
and I can't get
ahold of them.
261
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,408
I'll tell ya, this
obituary came out great.
262
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,745
"Carter Pewterschmidt died
today of the disease cancer.
263
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,413
"In lieu of flowers,
please send
264
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,750
carnival rides to Peter Griffin
at 31 Spooner Street."
265
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,518
If we get just one
ride out of this,
266
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:48,986
it will have
been a success.
267
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:54,759
Lois?
268
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:55,960
Wh-What are you
doing here?
269
00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:58,362
Mom, I've been trying
to get ahold of you.
270
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:00,031
Is Daddy okay?
Where is he?
271
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,033
Oh, he's fine, dear.
272
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,434
But now's not
a good time.
273
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,936
He's very busy.
274
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,604
Look, I know
something's going on.
275
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,772
I want to see him.
276
00:10:09,808 --> 00:10:11,142
Daddy?!
277
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,878
Well, look who's here!
278
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,880
Daddy! You're okay!
279
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:17,615
Of course I'm okay!
Why wouldn't I be?
280
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,984
Well, Brian said
you were dying!
281
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:20,985
And I finished a book!
282
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:23,221
I promised myself
I'd work that in.
283
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,223
I-It's-- I might've
jumped the gun.
284
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,390
I didn't finish it.
285
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:28,793
I'm so glad
you're all right.
286
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,462
Brian, how could you get us
all worked up like that?!
287
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,997
Yeah, shame on you!
288
00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:34,499
Oh, you're gonna
get it, Brian.
289
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:37,034
You are gonna get it
when I drink.
290
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:39,137
What the hell's going on?
291
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,838
Last night,
Carter was on
his deathbed,
292
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,473
and now he looks better
than he ever did.
293
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,242
Well, they say laughter
is the best medicine.
294
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,177
Maybe he went to a
comedy club or something.
295
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:47,645
(audience laughing)
296
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:48,646
In my neighborhood,
297
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:49,981
we didn't have no Kool-Aid.
298
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,983
We had food colorin' and water.
299
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,818
Mama used to call it
"Fool-Aid."
300
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,820
(laughter)
CARTER: No, I don't get that.
301
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,655
And everybody had an Uncle Earl.
302
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,657
You know, that uncle
that sit around in the house
303
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,493
all day in his underdrawers,
saying he "between" jobs.
304
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:03,928
To be between jobs,
305
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:05,997
you had to have had a job
in the first place!
306
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,098
CARTER:
That's accurate!
307
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,866
And Earl got that cell phone.
308
00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:10,501
He on the Sprint plan.
309
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,836
When the bill come, he sprint.
310
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:15,072
CARTER: Yes! So many of them
are delinquent in payment.
311
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:20,845
Rupert, move your legs.
312
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,013
I can see your balls.
313
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,948
Stewie, this is
going to sound crazy,
314
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:26,450
but I have a theory about
what's going on with Carter.
315
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:27,518
Really? What is it?
316
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,553
Well, think about it.
317
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:29,954
If Carter Pewterschmidt,
318
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:31,789
the dynamic chairman of
Pewterschmidt Industries,
319
00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:33,457
were to fall ill
or even die,
320
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:34,892
the stock price
would plummet.
321
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:37,028
I don't want you to think
I'm not listening,
322
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,629
but when's Christmas?
Not for a while.
323
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,698
But what I'm saying is,
I think Carter is sick
324
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,534
or possibly even dead,
and that the man we saw today
325
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,203
was an imposter
brought in to keep
326
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,038
Pewterschmidt Industries'
stock price up
327
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,040
and to keep people
from knowing the truth.
328
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,875
Boy, you are just
going to keep on talking
329
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,643
with that poppy seed
stuck in your teeth, aren't you?
330
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:53,978
Anyway, what are you
suggesting?
331
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,580
We can follow him, see
if he's really Carter.
332
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,481
Okay, but I got to be
home by 7:00.
333
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:58,916
I'm supposed to talk
to the police
334
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,151
about that shooting
I witnessed.
335
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,755
Good Lord, are
you all right?
336
00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:05,890
If I die,
337
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,926
leave two dollars
worth of flowers right here.
338
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:11,729
Here's my fourth grade
class photo.
339
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,731
Lean it against
a cheap candle.
340
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,099
Well, should I call
an ambulance?
341
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:16,901
No. Call Channel Nine.
342
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:20,004
And have a gap-toothed
woman say, quote,
343
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:22,340
"He never bothered nobody."
344
00:12:25,677 --> 00:12:28,079
Okay, if this guy is an
imposter, he's going to have
345
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,580
to do everything
Carter normally does.
346
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,849
We just have to wait
and see if he slips up.
347
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:33,317
All right,
here he comes now.
348
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:40,925
All right, Stu, now,
if we can just...
349
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,126
No.
What?
350
00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:43,761
You know what you did.
351
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,096
Hey, wait a minute.
352
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,364
If this is an imposter,
353
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,032
then this guy we're following
never had cancer.
354
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,433
Yeah, so?
355
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,602
Well, you're a dog.
Can't you just sniff cancer?
356
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,937
No, that's just a
myth we started
357
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,439
so we could stick our
snouts in girls' boobs.
358
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,608
It's nice to have a
clean bill of health.
359
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,776
Well, for now.
360
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,444
The key is
weekly follow-ups.
361
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:03,047
You know, cervical cancer
is also a problem.
362
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:05,283
My boyfriend thinks he
might have prostate cancer.
363
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,784
Nope, doesn't.
364
00:13:12,224 --> 00:13:13,958
Okay, now we've got him.
365
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,127
The real Carter would
never go to a Starbucks.
366
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,863
He thinks they're too
liberal and pretentious.
367
00:13:20,565 --> 00:13:22,066
Coffee for Brent.
368
00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:23,734
(snickering)
369
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,836
Latte for Cecil.
370
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:27,638
(snickering)
371
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,006
Beanie?
372
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,475
(laughs) None of those
people are real.
373
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,178
I'm stealing all your
sugar packets and napkins.
374
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:37,048
Woodstock's over, (bleep).
375
00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:49,994
Wow. You certainly
look a lot better
376
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,829
than that walking corpse
I saw last week.
377
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,664
Well, no one's ever
going to see that again,
378
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,832
I can promise you that.
379
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,767
I can't stress how
important it is
380
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,169
our secret be kept
from the public.
381
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,503
I understand, sir.
382
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,839
And I assure you
that Specimen Z
383
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,841
is secure on level 12.
384
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:07,845
That "walking corpse" was
Carter dying of cancer.
385
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,513
This guy is an imposter.
386
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,015
Oh, my God.
387
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,684
And I bet Specimen Z
is the real Carter's body.
388
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,052
You two didn't
hear that, did you?
389
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:16,187
BRIAN:
Hey, buddy, we're...
390
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,955
we're just trying to
read the paper here.
391
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:19,790
I'll have you fired
for talking to me like that.
392
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,025
I don't work here.
393
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,927
Then I'll have you killed.
I want to die.
394
00:14:23,862 --> 00:14:25,930
I hated that guy back there.
395
00:14:28,967 --> 00:14:31,202
Okay, this is level 12.
396
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,536
There's the lab.
397
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,372
Let's get in there
and find Carter's body.
398
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,873
Oh, crap, there's a keypad.
399
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,708
All right, we're just
going to have to try
400
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,909
and figure out the code.
401
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:39,877
When's his birthday?
402
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,579
I think it's in March.
403
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,047
Stewie, are you crazy?
404
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,548
That's so loud.
The guards will hear.
405
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,750
Don't worry
about it, Bri...
406
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,551
MAN: Hey, what's
going on down there?
407
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,053
Nothing.
408
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,721
All right.
409
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,323
All right, now,
where would they keep
410
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,825
a dead body
in a pharmaceutical lab?
411
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,560
(gasps) Brian, look.
412
00:14:57,896 --> 00:15:00,131
That's it.
I bet he's in there.
413
00:15:09,441 --> 00:15:11,342
Oh, my God.
414
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,911
Specimen Z isn't Carter's body.
415
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:14,912
What is it?
416
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,815
Specimen Z is a
cure for cancer.
417
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,520
Carter didn't die.
He cured himself.
418
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,355
CARTER:
Hold it right there.
(both gasp)
419
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,023
Damn it, Brian.
You broke into my lab.
420
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:27,758
And you didn't wear a suit.
421
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,027
Hey, why didn't he
have to wear a suit?
422
00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:31,595
See what you've started now?
423
00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:39,470
Carter, you've found
a cure for cancer?
424
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,971
Well, I didn't come up with it.
425
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:42,273
A couple of eggheads
I hired did.
426
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,141
One of them's a Chinese.
427
00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:45,943
Boy, I don't like those people.
428
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,546
But holy crap, wind 'em up
and watch 'em go.
429
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:49,980
How long have you had this?
430
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:51,449
I don't know.
When... when was that
431
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,950
"Who Let the Dogs Out?" song?
432
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,785
You've had this since 1999?
433
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,121
You know when "Who Let
the Dogs Out?" came out?
434
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,156
It's a song about dogs
and letting them out.
435
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:01,625
I could have you arrested
for breaking in here.
436
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,061
Carter, you've discovered the
holy grail of modern medicine.
437
00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:06,297
Why the hell would you
keep it buried like this?
438
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,398
I'll tell you why.
439
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,966
Because there's
far more money to be made
440
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,968
in treating a disease
than in curing it.
441
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,803
Why cure someone
of cancer in a day
442
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,405
if we can treat them
for a lifetime
443
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,006
and bill them
every step along the way?
444
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:17,641
What? That's insane.
445
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:19,977
Brian, it's so cold in here,
look how big my nips are.
446
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,979
They're almost like a woman's.
447
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,483
Oh, look, I'm tugging at 'em
and they're getting even bigger.
448
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,817
Carter, what you're
doing here is criminal,
449
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,919
and I'm going to tell the
whole world about it.
450
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,688
Is that right?
Who's going to believe you?
451
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:31,989
The Internet?
452
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,158
You'll be just another nut-job,
left-wing blogger.
453
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,593
Security!
454
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,827
MAN:
Everything's fine.
455
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,062
No, it isn't. Get in here.
456
00:16:39,831 --> 00:16:41,665
Ah! Damn it! You bastards.
457
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,667
I don't know why you're
surprised by this, Brian.
458
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,503
Big corporations
never tell the truth.
459
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,605
Look at the
Kleenex industry.
460
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,839
Well, we had another
good quarter.
461
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,041
I guess a lot of people
are sneezing out there.
462
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:52,877
Jerry, I'm going to let you
in on something,
463
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,845
and it can't
leave this room.
464
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:55,846
Our research shows
465
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,115
the primary use
of our product is sperm.
466
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,216
What?
467
00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:01,018
Yeah, and brace
yourself for this.
468
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,787
The second biggest use
is women crying about nonsense.
469
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,122
But I thought
sneezing was...
470
00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:08,092
Jerry, Jerry,
it's sperm and nonsense.
471
00:17:10,562 --> 00:17:11,795
I can't believe Carter
472
00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:13,531
would sacrifice
millions of lives
473
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:14,865
just to protect
corporate profits.
474
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,300
Well, don't be too upset.
475
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:17,635
Old Stewie here snagged
476
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:19,537
a little souvenir
on his way out.
477
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,038
Oh, my God, Stewie.
478
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,039
You got the cancer cure.
479
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,541
How'd you manage to steal it?
480
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,075
Oh, it was easy--
I just took it
481
00:17:25,077 --> 00:17:26,577
while you guys
were yammering on.
482
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,312
I swear, I felt
like I was waiting
483
00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:29,880
for Lois to get
off the phone.
484
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,715
Well, that is amazing.
485
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:32,917
All right, Bonnie.
486
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,552
Well, it was good
talking to you.
487
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,487
No way. She did?
488
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:37,922
When did she say that?
489
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:39,256
You know what?
490
00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:42,159
That doesn't surprise me.
That's how she is.
491
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:44,495
Okay, then. Okay.
492
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,564
Okay. Okay.
493
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,499
All right,
I'll see you Tuesday.
494
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:51,569
Oh, no. What happened?
495
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,337
(gasps) That's terrible.
496
00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:55,906
Oh, my God, just awful.
497
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,942
Well, you
give them my best.
498
00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,276
Okay, I got to go.
499
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,445
Stewie and I are headed
out to the beach.
500
00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:02,913
Oh, I didn't tell you?
501
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,748
He's learning to swim.
502
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,917
Oh, I got him
the cutest swim trunks.
503
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,419
At Kohl's.
504
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,354
You've never
been to Kohl's?
505
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:12,356
Well, let me tell you
about Kohl's.
506
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:13,691
(sighs)
507
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:15,926
All right, well, you know
the mall with the Chili's?
508
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,261
It's across the street.
509
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,462
(gunshot, Bonnie shrieks)
510
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:19,863
Bonnie?
Bonnie, are you there?
511
00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:21,565
What happened?
STEWIE:
Let's go!
512
00:18:25,036 --> 00:18:26,804
Oh, there you two are.
513
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:27,871
Lois, there's
something incredible
514
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,106
I have to tell you.
515
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,274
And there's
something incredible
516
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:31,609
I have to show you.
517
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,178
I learned how to
do a somersault.
518
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,780
Did I do it?
519
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,649
There he is.
520
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,784
Crap.
521
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,786
Daddy? What's going on here?
522
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,823
Brian here has stolen something
very important from me.
523
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:48,125
Give it to me, Brian.
524
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,960
Lois, your father
has a cure for cancer,
525
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,962
but he won't release it
because it's not profitable.
526
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,631
So I stole it.
527
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,999
Daddy, is this true?
528
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,467
Yeah. So what?
529
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,802
So I found the cure for cancer
and didn't announce it.
530
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,471
Big deal.
I also took a dump today
531
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,972
and didn't issue
a press release.
532
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,674
Oh, that's interesting,
because I did.
533
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,142
Good for Peter.
534
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,911
It's about time the media
covered something positive.
535
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:10,347
Daddy, you're the chairman
of a billion dollar company.
536
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:11,982
You've got more
money than anyone
537
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,817
could ever spend
in one lifetime.
538
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,654
Are you challenging me
to a Brewster's Millions?
539
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,656
Is money all that
you care about?
540
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,991
What if somebody close
to you got cancer?
541
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,260
What if... what if the
maid who raised you
542
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:26,030
'cause your parents were too
wealthy and busy got cancer?
543
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,331
You mean Mamie?
544
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,333
Yeah.
What if Mamie got cancer?
545
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,934
Mamie's not getting cancer!
546
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:32,336
Or how about one of us?
547
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,672
What if I got cancer
or, God forbid,
548
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,507
one of your grandchildren?
549
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:39,877
For once in your life,
do the right thing.
550
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,378
All right, pumpkin.
551
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:42,846
I'll do it.
552
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,548
I'll do it for you.
553
00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,684
You will? You promise?
554
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:47,785
Yes.
555
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,053
I'll make the
announcement tomorrow.
556
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,521
Oh, Daddy.
557
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,555
Thank you so much.
558
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:53,223
You're my hero.
559
00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:55,959
Oh, that's her father?
560
00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:00,964
Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker.
561
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:02,866
Our top story:
a big announcement
562
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:05,102
out of Pewterschmidt
Pharmaceuticals today.
563
00:20:07,205 --> 00:20:08,806
Company chairman
Carter Pewterschmidt
564
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,407
released a statement
announcing the launch
565
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,543
of a deodorant
for the developmentally disabled
566
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:13,977
called Slow Stick.
567
00:20:13,979 --> 00:20:18,048
It's also edible because,
you know, those people...
568
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,084
don't, uh... don't know...
569
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,719
And now sports.
570
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,220
That's it?
What the hell?
571
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,222
Where's the cancer
cure announcement?
572
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:28,125
That son of a bitch
went back on his word.
573
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:30,828
CARTER:
Hello.
574
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,930
Daddy, we're all sitting here
in front of the TV
575
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:34,498
awaiting the big announcement.
576
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:37,835
Remember the one that's
going to benefit all mankind?
577
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,738
The one you promised to make
for me, your daughter?
578
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,272
I lied.
(line clicks)
579
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,007
Lois, you can't
stay mad at him.
580
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:45,275
He's rich and successful.
581
00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:46,910
It doesn't excuse
what he did.
582
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:47,778
It'll be fine.
583
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:49,580
He'll just do
a magazine cover
584
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,015
with a wink to who he is,
and all will be forgiven.
585
00:20:53,918 --> 00:20:58,856
Oh, Daddy.
I know. If he's such a bad
guy, why's he on a magazine?42397
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