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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:04,091 --> 00:00:06,483 Ladies and gentlemen, please 3 00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:10,009 welcome Tom Green! 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:28,767 ♪ What you gonna do ♪ 6 00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:29,594 ♪ When you're sittin' ♪ 7 00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:30,334 ♪ All alone ♪ 8 00:00:30,335 --> 00:00:31,813 ♪ In your empty-ass home ♪ 9 00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:32,814 ♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪ 10 00:00:32,815 --> 00:00:35,034 ♪ Sawed-off? ♪ 11 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,166 ♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪ 12 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,602 ♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪ 13 00:00:38,603 --> 00:00:39,256 ♪ Off the rock ship ♪ 14 00:00:39,257 --> 00:00:40,561 ♪ My nose is runnin' like me ♪ 15 00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:41,823 ♪ From the police ♪ 16 00:00:41,824 --> 00:00:43,085 ♪ It's been three weeks ♪ 17 00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:47,829 What's up, Boston? 18 00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,048 Great to be here. 19 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,092 This is referred to as 20 00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:51,920 the intellectual capital of 21 00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:53,052 the U.S. because of all 22 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,749 the colleges and universities. 23 00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,838 So for all the smart people here 24 00:00:56,839 --> 00:00:58,231 tonight, let's get wasted, 25 00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,102 right? 26 00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:03,628 Uh, this is cool, man. 27 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:04,281 I'm excited. 28 00:01:04,282 --> 00:01:05,412 I live in Los Angeles. 29 00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:07,109 I started my show in Canada at 30 00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:08,328 a public access station. 31 00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:10,373 It got picked up by MTV. 32 00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:11,940 Now I do a web TV show in my 33 00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:13,246 living room, so my career's 34 00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:16,379 living room, so my career's going pretty well. 35 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:19,034 Going pretty well. 36 00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:19,688 I was on 37 00:01:19,689 --> 00:01:20,905 The Celebrity Apprentice with 38 00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:23,952 Donald Trump. 39 00:01:23,953 --> 00:01:26,911 I got fired. 40 00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:29,088 Got fired in the third episode. 41 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:32,743 Donald Trump was mad at me. 42 00:01:32,744 --> 00:01:33,918 Was mad at me 'cause I went out 43 00:01:33,919 --> 00:01:37,487 was mad at me 'cause I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman... 44 00:01:37,488 --> 00:01:42,231 drinking with Dennis Rodman... 45 00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:44,842 on the night I was the "project 46 00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:48,150 manager," whoa, oh. 47 00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:49,412 That's a no-no. 48 00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:51,022 Donald Trump takes that project 49 00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:52,937 manager shit fucking seriously, 50 00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:56,376 sir. 51 00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:57,073 But think about it. 52 00:01:57,074 --> 00:01:58,074 You're in New York City. 53 00:01:58,075 --> 00:01:59,683 A 7-foot-tall cross-dressing 54 00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:01,120 basketball champion asks you out 55 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:01,991 on a date. 56 00:02:01,992 --> 00:02:04,123 You say yes. 57 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,733 It's Dennis Rodman. 58 00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:06,430 The guy's a legend. 59 00:02:06,431 --> 00:02:07,517 He's probably going to pick you 60 00:02:07,518 --> 00:02:08,258 up, take you out for a steak 61 00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:08,954 dinner. 62 00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:09,607 You head out for a night on 63 00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:10,260 the town. 64 00:02:10,261 --> 00:02:11,521 You have some cranberry vodkas. 65 00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:12,480 At the end of the evening, you 66 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:13,307 head back to the hotel. 67 00:02:13,308 --> 00:02:14,394 If you're lucky, he doesn't have 68 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:17,136 sex with you. 69 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,267 I did not get lucky. 70 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,661 Uh... 71 00:02:20,662 --> 00:02:23,316 He was gentle. 72 00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,534 I been doing this goofy stuff 73 00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:25,709 a long time, but I've never done 74 00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:26,537 a stand-up comedy special 75 00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:27,190 before. 76 00:02:27,191 --> 00:02:28,191 I'm so excited to be here. 77 00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:29,061 I'm getting older. 78 00:02:29,062 --> 00:02:30,105 You know, as you get older, you 79 00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:30,933 start to freak out. 80 00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:31,976 You start to think about things 81 00:02:31,977 --> 00:02:32,587 a little bit more. 82 00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:33,544 You want to talk about it. 83 00:02:33,545 --> 00:02:35,284 Y-you worry about things. 84 00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:36,416 I worry about my life. 85 00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:37,765 I worry about the thing... the way 86 00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:39,114 things were when I was younger. 87 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:39,985 It was... it seems like it was 88 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:40,638 better before. 89 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:41,725 It was better before. 90 00:02:41,726 --> 00:02:42,597 When I was a kid, they didn't 91 00:02:42,597 --> 00:02:43,467 have the internet. 92 00:02:43,468 --> 00:02:44,902 They didn't have sus... they 93 00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:46,600 didn't have the video games. 94 00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:47,341 They didn't have the... 95 00:02:47,342 --> 00:02:48,342 the computers. 96 00:02:48,343 --> 00:02:50,081 They didn't have the ATM 97 00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:50,735 machines. 98 00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:51,475 They didn't have microwave 99 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:52,172 ovens. 100 00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:53,215 They didn't have Starbucks. 101 00:02:53,216 --> 00:02:54,260 They didn't have Walmart. 102 00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:55,218 They didn't have AIDS. 103 00:02:55,219 --> 00:02:57,176 You know, the... 104 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,916 The world was a better place. 105 00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:00,353 Now everybody's on their 106 00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:04,095 Facebook page, right? 107 00:03:04,096 --> 00:03:04,880 I want to say something 108 00:03:04,881 --> 00:03:07,316 unpopular about Facebook. 109 00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,578 I don't think married people 110 00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:13,235 should be on Facebook. 111 00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:14,063 I think, if you're married, you 112 00:03:14,064 --> 00:03:15,064 should cancel your Facebook 113 00:03:15,065 --> 00:03:17,370 right after the show, okay? 114 00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:19,023 You want some ex-girlfriend or 115 00:03:19,024 --> 00:03:20,416 ex-boyfriend of your husband or 116 00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,201 wife from 25 years ago sending 117 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,289 little secret messages in 118 00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:24,420 the background like, "How's 119 00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:25,292 married life? 120 00:03:25,293 --> 00:03:26,293 Wink, lol"? 121 00:03:26,294 --> 00:03:28,816 Mrahh, mrahh. 122 00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,644 "Lmfao, I'm here if you need 123 00:03:30,645 --> 00:03:31,298 me." 124 00:03:31,299 --> 00:03:33,864 Rahh, rahh. 125 00:03:33,865 --> 00:03:34,779 That's not how it's supposed to 126 00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:35,432 work. 127 00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:36,216 That's not how the world's 128 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:37,303 supposed to work. 129 00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,956 When I was a kid, everybody had 130 00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:40,436 one telephone. 131 00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:42,046 We keep it in the kitchen by 132 00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:44,092 the fridge. 133 00:03:44,093 --> 00:03:45,180 That was your connection with 134 00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:46,095 the outside world. 135 00:03:46,096 --> 00:03:48,096 It was called a landline, right? 136 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,315 Actually... Actually it was called 137 00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:50,012 a phone. 138 00:03:50,013 --> 00:03:52,056 We call them a landline now 139 00:03:52,057 --> 00:03:52,928 because they have cords coming 140 00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:53,624 out of them. 141 00:03:53,625 --> 00:03:55,146 And if you follow the cord... You 142 00:03:55,147 --> 00:03:56,452 can follow the cord, and 143 00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,062 eventually the cord plugs 144 00:03:58,063 --> 00:03:59,803 directly into the land, okay? 145 00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:00,935 It's amazing. 146 00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:02,458 Y-You gotta go through dirt to 147 00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:03,243 get to the person you want to 148 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:03,939 talk to. 149 00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:04,679 That's how primitive it was, 150 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:05,332 right? 151 00:04:05,333 --> 00:04:06,462 All the phones looked the same. 152 00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:07,290 There was one model. 153 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,160 They had a thing that curled 154 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,031 the cord that came in four 155 00:04:09,032 --> 00:04:11,162 different colors... beige, green, 156 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:11,860 black. 157 00:04:11,861 --> 00:04:13,077 If you were rich, you'd spend $1 158 00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,122 more and get a red one 'cause 159 00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:14,776 you wanted to feel like 160 00:04:14,777 --> 00:04:16,037 the President. 161 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:17,691 Then the rotary dial. 162 00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:19,214 Rotary dial. 163 00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:20,955 Rotary dial. 164 00:04:20,956 --> 00:04:21,609 All right, you know you're 165 00:04:21,610 --> 00:04:22,652 getting older when you remember 166 00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:24,088 phones before buttons were 167 00:04:24,089 --> 00:04:25,307 introduced into them, you know? 168 00:04:26,005 --> 00:04:30,791 I... 169 00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,053 I remember being so excited when 170 00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:33,272 those buttons got introduced, 171 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,621 man. 172 00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,057 It was like a cool, new, modern 173 00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:37,711 feature. 174 00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:39,453 It's digital. 175 00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,192 It's digital. 176 00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:41,890 You know, we never had a piano 177 00:04:41,890 --> 00:04:42,543 in my house. 178 00:04:42,544 --> 00:04:43,630 I was always very musical. 179 00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:47,721 "Mommy, mommy, I played 180 00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:49,070 Mary had a little lamb!" 181 00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:50,245 "You called China!" 182 00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:52,073 Right? 183 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:53,901 "That's 3,000 fucking dollars! 184 00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:58,253 Our son's a fucking asshole!" 185 00:04:58,254 --> 00:04:59,428 That's the way the world's 186 00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:00,516 supposed to work, man. 187 00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:02,126 The one-phone system was 188 00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:03,302 a better system. 189 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,694 It was a simpler time. 190 00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:05,653 This is why I don't think 191 00:05:05,654 --> 00:05:07,088 married people should be on 192 00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:08,568 Facebook. 193 00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,309 You want the one-phone system. 194 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,223 If somebody wanted to get 195 00:05:11,224 --> 00:05:12,789 a hold of your husband, she 196 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:13,748 would call the phone in your 197 00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:14,488 house. 198 00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:15,271 You would pick it up. 199 00:05:15,272 --> 00:05:16,315 You'd say, "Hello." 200 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,359 She would say, "Is your husband 201 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:18,056 there?" 202 00:05:18,057 --> 00:05:19,230 You would say, "Who the fuck is 203 00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:22,233 you would say, "Who the fuck is this? 204 00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:27,238 This? 205 00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:29,110 Roger, there's some cunt on 206 00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:32,243 the phone. 207 00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:33,332 If she calls here again, I'm 208 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,159 going to slit her fucking 209 00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:34,812 throat. 210 00:05:34,813 --> 00:05:36,030 Fuck off, Bitch!" 211 00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,727 Right? 212 00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:38,512 That's how it's supposed to 213 00:05:38,513 --> 00:05:39,903 work. 214 00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:41,035 That's how you keep marriages 215 00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:42,732 together. 216 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:45,082 The one-phone system. 217 00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:46,257 Facebook's going to ruin high 218 00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:47,476 school reunions. 219 00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:48,477 Before you go to your high 220 00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:49,478 school reunion, you were 221 00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:50,350 wondering what Judy Miller 222 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,046 looked like. 223 00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:51,873 Now you know what Judy Miller 224 00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:52,526 looks like. 225 00:05:52,527 --> 00:05:53,569 You been jacking off to her 226 00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,919 family vacation photos for five 227 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,009 freaking years. 228 00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,359 This guy knows what I'm talking 229 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,664 about right here. 230 00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:02,623 You know Judy? 231 00:06:02,624 --> 00:06:03,927 You know Judy? 232 00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:06,800 I'm telling you, man. 233 00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,062 I tell you. 234 00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:08,846 I don't know, man. 235 00:06:08,847 --> 00:06:09,847 I think it's the conspiracy of 236 00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:10,500 our time. 237 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,458 We're getting sucked into this 238 00:06:11,459 --> 00:06:12,459 digital grid. 239 00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:13,373 We're giving away all our 240 00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,634 personal information. 241 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:15,462 We're getting sucked into this 242 00:06:15,463 --> 00:06:17,550 digital vortex. 243 00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:18,551 When I was a kid, we talked 244 00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:19,726 about how the CIA could see 245 00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:20,467 inside our homes. 246 00:06:20,468 --> 00:06:21,728 The CIA could hear our phone 247 00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:22,382 calls. 248 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:23,383 It was, "Big Brother's 249 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,035 watching." 250 00:06:24,036 --> 00:06:25,514 Now the C... some corporation 251 00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,211 comes along. 252 00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:27,169 They tell us to take all our 253 00:06:27,170 --> 00:06:28,387 personal information, just give 254 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,388 it away for free. 255 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,432 Now the CIA wants your 256 00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:31,520 information, all they got to do 257 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,087 is friend request you, right? 258 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,393 We're a generation of peeping 259 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,264 Toms. 260 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:36,134 We can see inside everybody's 261 00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:36,787 homes. 262 00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:37,527 We don't have to be invited 263 00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:38,223 over. 264 00:06:38,224 --> 00:06:41,008 We're coming anyway. 265 00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:42,139 We like taking pictures of our 266 00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:44,011 stuff and putting it online, so 267 00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:46,753 everyone can see our stuff. 268 00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,669 Look at my car. 269 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:50,670 Look at my girlfriend. 270 00:06:50,671 --> 00:06:51,541 Look at my boyfriend. 271 00:06:51,542 --> 00:06:53,324 Look at my pool table. 272 00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,109 Look at my pool. 273 00:06:54,110 --> 00:06:56,806 Look at my new hubcaps. 274 00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,068 Look at my stuff. 275 00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,287 We all like to go online and 276 00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:00,506 look at everybody else's stuff, 277 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:01,594 secretly hoping that they go 278 00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:02,682 bankrupt and lose all their 279 00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:05,511 stuff. 280 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:06,903 And you got video phones coming 281 00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:07,904 out. 282 00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:08,905 You got a call on your phone. 283 00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:10,080 You can see you. 284 00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,430 You can see them. 285 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,257 This sucks, right? 286 00:07:13,258 --> 00:07:13,955 How are you going to get away 287 00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:14,608 with anything? 288 00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:15,304 How you going to get away with 289 00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:15,957 things? 290 00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:16,610 H-how are you going to go to 291 00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:17,306 the strip clubs, or how you 292 00:07:17,307 --> 00:07:18,307 going to go the strip club, get 293 00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:19,047 away from the wife? 294 00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:19,743 Guys are going to be taking 295 00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:20,657 calls at the strip club in 296 00:07:20,658 --> 00:07:21,788 fucking... in fucking broom 297 00:07:21,789 --> 00:07:25,313 fucking... in fucking broom closets and shit. 298 00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:28,011 Closets and shit. 299 00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:29,230 "Hey, honey, just doing a little 300 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,840 sweeping here. 301 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,189 Sweep..." 302 00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:33,190 Strip clubs are going to have to 303 00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:33,931 adapt, right? 304 00:07:33,932 --> 00:07:34,975 They're going to have to adapt. 305 00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:35,933 They're going to build rooms off 306 00:07:35,934 --> 00:07:36,977 the side of the stage, you know? 307 00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:37,631 With a... with, like, 308 00:07:37,632 --> 00:07:39,458 a Hollywood-style set built to 309 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,589 look like a post office or 310 00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:45,420 something. 311 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,335 "Hey, honey. 312 00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:47,162 Just sending some mail. 313 00:07:47,163 --> 00:07:50,294 Gotta pay those bills. 314 00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:51,339 It's the weirdest post office 315 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,036 I've ever been to. 316 00:07:52,037 --> 00:07:53,167 I know it's 4:00 in the morning. 317 00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,429 I don't know why Lady Gaga is 318 00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:57,345 playing in the background. 319 00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:58,607 Just making it rain on the phone 320 00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:00,174 Bill here. 321 00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:00,871 Paying the phone bill with 322 00:08:00,872 --> 00:08:03,177 singles today." 323 00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:03,874 Yeah, I think we gotta be 324 00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:05,048 careful about this stuff, man. 325 00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:06,485 We're giving away too much. 326 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,573 The innocence is gone in 327 00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:08,574 the world. 328 00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,401 The mystery's gone in the world. 329 00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:11,620 We're not talking to each other 330 00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:12,839 anymore. 331 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,580 Everybody's text messaging now. 332 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,538 That's how we communicate... with 333 00:08:15,539 --> 00:08:17,278 text messages. 334 00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:18,236 You go out to dinner with six 335 00:08:18,237 --> 00:08:19,367 people. 336 00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,455 Three of them will be texting 337 00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,500 under the table, talking to 338 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,588 three people they'd rather be 339 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,198 eating dinner with than you. 340 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:30,204 Eating dinner with than you. 341 00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:35,602 "No, no. 342 00:08:35,603 --> 00:08:37,472 Uh-uh. 343 00:08:37,473 --> 00:08:39,300 Uh-uh, uh-uh. 344 00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,128 I can't, I'm h... 345 00:08:41,129 --> 00:08:42,086 I can't, I'm here with 346 00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:42,739 everybody." 347 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,875 "Ah, ah. 348 00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:49,529 Ah." 349 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,225 I hate that. 350 00:08:50,226 --> 00:08:54,445 I hate that look..."Ah." 351 00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:55,099 Bring a book to the dinner 352 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:55,752 table. 353 00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:56,492 I think we should... we should 354 00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:57,319 start bringing books to 355 00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:57,972 the dinner table. 356 00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:58,755 If it pisses you off, bring 357 00:08:58,755 --> 00:08:59,451 a book, right? 358 00:08:59,451 --> 00:09:00,148 People start texting in front 359 00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:00,801 of you. 360 00:09:00,802 --> 00:09:03,803 of you. Whip out a copy of Moby Dick. 361 00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:12,376 Whip out a copy of Moby Dick. 362 00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:13,030 Yeah? 363 00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:13,770 What's going to happen to our 364 00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:14,466 bodies? 365 00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:15,424 How are we going to evolve as 366 00:09:15,425 --> 00:09:16,729 a species with all this new 367 00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,339 technology taking over our 368 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,254 lives? 369 00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:20,081 It's going to... it's going to 370 00:09:20,082 --> 00:09:21,168 change... it's going to change 371 00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:21,952 our... our physical appearance, 372 00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:22,605 right? 373 00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:23,301 Think about it. 374 00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:24,172 We started out thousands of 375 00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,042 years ago. 376 00:09:25,043 --> 00:09:28,305 We were... we were Cro-Magnon man. 377 00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:30,960 We were Neanderthal man, hunched 378 00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,614 over, and then we evolved. 379 00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:34,311 And we... we stood up. 380 00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:36,096 We became tall. 381 00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:37,663 We became human beings. 382 00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,840 We became tall human beings. 383 00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:43,016 We're tall. 384 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:45,192 We're tall, right? 385 00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:47,934 We're tall. 386 00:09:47,935 --> 00:09:50,327 We start text messaging. 387 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,025 Don't really need our legs 388 00:09:51,025 --> 00:09:51,678 anymore. 389 00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:52,548 Our legs are going to start to 390 00:09:52,549 --> 00:09:53,722 retract into our bodies. 391 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:54,419 Don't really have to go 392 00:09:54,419 --> 00:09:55,072 anywhere. 393 00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:55,769 Our arms are going to retract 394 00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:56,465 into our bodies. 395 00:09:56,466 --> 00:09:57,552 Our mouths... we won't need them 396 00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:58,206 to communicate. 397 00:09:58,207 --> 00:09:59,207 They're going to shrivel up into 398 00:09:59,208 --> 00:10:00,642 these straw-like tubes. 399 00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:01,339 We'll... 400 00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:03,515 We'll... we'll suck vitamins 401 00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:04,168 through them. 402 00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,518 Applesauce. 403 00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,651 Applesauce, applesauce. 404 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:12,262 Apples... 405 00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:13,134 We'll become these Jabba 406 00:10:13,135 --> 00:10:15,962 the Hutt-type blobs with nothing 407 00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,311 left. 408 00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:18,660 Nothing but two muscular, 409 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,227 elongated, rapidly flapping, 410 00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:21,837 text-messaging thumbs. 411 00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:27,887 Text-messaging thumbs. 412 00:10:38,986 --> 00:10:42,423 Blobs with thumbs. 413 00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:44,251 We're addicted to it. 414 00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:45,209 We're addicted to our cell 415 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:45,862 phones. 416 00:10:45,863 --> 00:10:46,949 We're addicted to our text 417 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:47,647 messages. 418 00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:48,995 We're addicted to our Facebook 419 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,170 pages and our emails. 420 00:10:50,171 --> 00:10:50,824 We run to it. 421 00:10:50,825 --> 00:10:52,172 We run to see what's on there. 422 00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:53,477 We run to check our inbox, 423 00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:54,131 right? 424 00:10:54,132 --> 00:10:55,305 It's a physical addiction too. 425 00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:56,003 I think it's a physical 426 00:10:56,004 --> 00:10:57,004 addiction like cigarettes. 427 00:10:57,005 --> 00:11:00,397 Like cigarettes, right? 428 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,269 You know when you send a text 429 00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:02,226 message to someone, and you 430 00:11:02,227 --> 00:11:03,487 don't get a response right away, 431 00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:06,969 you feel depressed? 432 00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,101 If you send a text message to 433 00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:09,276 someone you really like, and you 434 00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:10,538 get a response right away, and 435 00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:12,758 you feel happy. 436 00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:13,585 You feel happy. 437 00:11:13,586 --> 00:11:14,803 Your body... it feeds the chemical 438 00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:15,762 dopamine. 439 00:11:15,763 --> 00:11:16,979 Dopamine... it goes through your 440 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,154 blood, and you become addicted 441 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,373 to that dopamine rush. 442 00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,114 And you associate that dopamine 443 00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,289 rush with the happy feeling of 444 00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:23,117 receiving a text. 445 00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:23,987 And that's why you got people 446 00:11:23,988 --> 00:11:25,814 sending 3,000 fucking text 447 00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:26,815 messages a day, right? 448 00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:27,730 We're not even paying attention 449 00:11:27,731 --> 00:11:28,731 to what we're saying anymore. 450 00:11:28,731 --> 00:11:29,558 It's just like a... it's like 451 00:11:29,559 --> 00:11:30,819 a morphine drip, right? 452 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,168 It's like... it's like a dopamine 453 00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,213 drip. 454 00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:34,431 Happy buttons. 455 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:35,694 Happy buttons. 456 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,869 Happy buttons. 457 00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:38,305 Time to play with the happy 458 00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:39,089 buttons. 459 00:11:39,090 --> 00:11:41,917 Buttons. Happy buttons. 460 00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,440 Happy buttons. 461 00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:44,355 I almost forgot I was still on 462 00:11:44,356 --> 00:11:46,095 this fucking thing. 463 00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:49,577 Do my whole... do my whole first 464 00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:51,013 comedy special owling on 465 00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:55,061 a stool. 466 00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:02,198 Yeah. 467 00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:03,070 Aw, man, we gotta be careful, 468 00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:03,723 man. 469 00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:04,724 We get addicted to this stuff. 470 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,854 We can't stop using it. 471 00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:06,813 I don't want to bitch and 472 00:12:06,814 --> 00:12:08,552 complain and cry and moan for 473 00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:09,684 the whole night, but I'm worried 474 00:12:09,685 --> 00:12:10,338 about it, you know? 475 00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:11,555 People are getting freaked out 476 00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:13,079 by this stuff. 477 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,297 You hear about this teacher? 478 00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:15,734 She was arrested for taking 479 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,083 a naked photo of herself with 480 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:18,432 her cell phone and sending it to 481 00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:21,261 her 14-year-old student. 482 00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:22,045 Yeah. 483 00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:22,959 That didn't happen when I was 484 00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:23,655 a kid, right? 485 00:12:23,656 --> 00:12:27,484 I wish it did. 486 00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:28,659 I don't want to blame the cell 487 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,183 phone for this disgusting 488 00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:32,098 decision that this disgusting 489 00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,535 lady made, right? 490 00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:37,712 Disgusting lady. 491 00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:38,713 I don't want to blame her cell 492 00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:39,541 phone, but think about how 493 00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:41,063 difficult it would have been to 494 00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:42,804 take a naked picture of yourself 495 00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:44,153 and send it to your 14-year-old 496 00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:47,287 student in the 1970s. 497 00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:48,245 You know, you're up late at 498 00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:49,029 night. 499 00:12:49,030 --> 00:12:50,899 You're marking tests. 500 00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,248 Little Billy says something 501 00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,511 about cumulonimbus clouds that 502 00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:55,774 makes you smile. 503 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,515 "Mmm, mmm. 504 00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,343 Mmm, mmm." 505 00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:02,084 An idea pops into your head. 506 00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,043 "Mmm. 507 00:13:03,044 --> 00:13:04,260 I know what I want to do. 508 00:13:04,261 --> 00:13:05,914 Mmm. 509 00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:07,220 I want to take a naked picture 510 00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:08,699 of myself and send it to little 511 00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:09,397 Billy. 512 00:13:09,398 --> 00:13:10,614 Mmm, mmm." 513 00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:11,790 Now y-you have a shot of 514 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:12,530 Jagermeister. 515 00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:14,923 Now you gotta get a... you gotta 516 00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:15,620 get the camera. 517 00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:16,360 You gotta put film in 518 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,013 the camera. 519 00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:17,927 It's hard putting film in 520 00:13:17,928 --> 00:13:19,623 a camera in 1975, and you're 521 00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,234 drunk on Jagermeister at 4:00 in 522 00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:22,235 the morning, right? 523 00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:22,932 Then you gotta go through all 524 00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:23,803 the drawers in the kitchen. 525 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:24,499 You gotta find one of those 526 00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,021 magic bulb flash cubes. 527 00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:26,718 You gotta go through all 528 00:13:26,719 --> 00:13:28,154 the burnt-out ones, right? 529 00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:29,112 You gotta go... you ha... you kept 530 00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:29,939 the burnt-out ones, right? 531 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:30,810 So you gotta go through those, 532 00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:31,811 find the r... 533 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,768 Y-y... that's a lot of metal and 534 00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:33,421 plastic there, right? 535 00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:34,161 You're not going to throw that 536 00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:35,031 away, maybe make a Lego police 537 00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:35,771 car out of that or something, 538 00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:36,424 you know? 539 00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,077 You do something with it. 540 00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:37,773 You do something. 541 00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:38,513 Then you find one that's got 542 00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:39,209 a little juice on it. 543 00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:40,210 You get naked. 544 00:13:40,211 --> 00:13:41,994 "Billy. 545 00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:43,909 Billy boy. 546 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,519 Billy boy. 547 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,086 Billy boy." 548 00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:48,087 "Billy B..." 549 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:51,308 Now you gotta go down to 550 00:13:51,309 --> 00:13:54,006 the mall, get the film 551 00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:54,921 developed at the photo 552 00:13:54,922 --> 00:13:56,095 development place where your 553 00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:56,923 neighbor works. 554 00:13:56,924 --> 00:13:58,314 You hand him the camera. 555 00:13:58,315 --> 00:13:59,229 You ask him to double your 556 00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:00,534 prints for $1 'cause that's 557 00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,623 a deal. 558 00:14:02,624 --> 00:14:03,842 Don't want a pass up a deal like 559 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:04,539 that, right? 560 00:14:04,540 --> 00:14:05,540 Maybe little Billy might want 561 00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,323 a naked photo. 562 00:14:06,324 --> 00:14:07,454 Maybe little Timmy might want 563 00:14:07,455 --> 00:14:09,543 one too, right? 564 00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:10,240 Then you go home. 565 00:14:10,241 --> 00:14:11,458 Y-you go home. 566 00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:12,851 You pace around for a while. 567 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:13,591 You have another shot of 568 00:14:13,592 --> 00:14:14,809 Jagermeister. 569 00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,158 You come back the next day. 570 00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,246 You get your naked photos of 571 00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:17,900 yourself. 572 00:14:17,901 --> 00:14:19,248 You put them in an envelope. 573 00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:20,771 You lick the envelope. 574 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,167 You know, the taste of the glue. 575 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,866 "Ooh, ooh, the gluey, gluey 576 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:28,867 taste. 577 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,216 The gluey..." 578 00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:33,829 Then you gotta write little 579 00:14:33,830 --> 00:14:34,916 Billy's address down on 580 00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:35,613 the envelope. 581 00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,527 "To Billy. 582 00:14:36,528 --> 00:14:38,789 For your eyes only," right? 583 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:39,530 Then you have another shot of 584 00:14:39,531 --> 00:14:41,314 Jagermeister. 585 00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:42,185 I mean, you still have to be 586 00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:42,882 drunk, right? 587 00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,491 You're, like, 36 hours deep into 588 00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:48,669 this idea at this point. 589 00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,149 Stumbling down the street 590 00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,194 through your neighborhood 591 00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:53,543 towards the mailbox on 592 00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:54,849 the corner. 593 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,285 Your hand dangling above 594 00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:57,808 the mailbox. 595 00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,288 At any point up to this moment, 596 00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:00,463 you would've had the ability to 597 00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:02,204 say to yourself, "You know, 598 00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:03,684 maybe this isn't such a good 599 00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:07,906 idea." 600 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,169 Now it's just bad idea, shot of 601 00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:11,779 Jagermeister, grab the cell 602 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,563 phone, point, click, send, fall 603 00:15:13,564 --> 00:15:14,782 asleep in your own puke. 604 00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:17,741 Wake up ten hours later. 605 00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:18,829 There's cops. 606 00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:19,830 You're in handcuffs. 607 00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:20,831 "I did what? 608 00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:21,920 Billy! 609 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,792 I love you, Billy!" 610 00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:25,924 We gotta be careful what we do 611 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:26,795 with our cell phones when we're 612 00:15:26,796 --> 00:15:28,187 drunk, that's all. 613 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,450 Drunk, that's all. That's all. 614 00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:31,668 That's all. 615 00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:35,107 Watch what you do... 616 00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:36,543 with your cell phone when you're 617 00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:37,674 drunk. 618 00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:38,893 Be careful. 619 00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:40,634 You really do gotta be careful. 620 00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:41,940 The world is just getting messed 621 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,202 up, man. 622 00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:45,465 Innocence is gone in our world. 623 00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,597 The mystery's gone in our world. 624 00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:49,251 We're giving it all away. 625 00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:50,470 You can s... We can see anything 626 00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:51,601 instantly. 627 00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:52,386 I don't think we've thought 628 00:15:52,387 --> 00:15:53,777 about it enough, what all this 629 00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:55,605 stuff means or this instant 630 00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:56,477 access to everything. 631 00:15:56,478 --> 00:15:57,607 You can see anything instantly. 632 00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:58,348 You can go on Google. 633 00:15:58,348 --> 00:15:59,088 You can type in the name of 634 00:15:59,089 --> 00:16:00,349 a city on Google Earth. 635 00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:01,003 You can type in the name of 636 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:01,699 a city. 637 00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,745 You can hover over the city. 638 00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:06,007 Hover over the city looking at 639 00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:09,141 the terrified citizens below. 640 00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:10,446 Or you go on Google Street View. 641 00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:11,318 You type in "Paris." 642 00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:12,188 Now you go down to street level. 643 00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,146 You're walking down the streets 644 00:16:13,147 --> 00:16:14,494 of Paris. 645 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:15,495 Walking down the streets of 646 00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:16,539 Paris, taking the mystery out of 647 00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:19,934 the whole goddamn world. 648 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,066 Fuck it, we got purple curtains 649 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:21,763 in Boston. 650 00:16:21,764 --> 00:16:24,634 Fuck it. 651 00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:25,635 Might as well just stay home, 652 00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,594 right? 653 00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,291 They're kicking all the 654 00:16:28,292 --> 00:16:29,813 dictators out around the world. 655 00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:30,511 They're kicking them out in 656 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,164 Libya. 657 00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:31,947 They're kicking them out in 658 00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:32,600 Egypt. 659 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,340 They're kicking them out in 660 00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:33,993 Tunisia. 661 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:34,732 They're kicking them out in 662 00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:35,385 Bahrain. 663 00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:36,125 They're kicking them out in 664 00:16:36,126 --> 00:16:38,039 Wisconsin. 665 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,260 Everywh... 666 00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:42,001 It's like we want to make 667 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,784 everything exactly the same. 668 00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:44,959 Everything's got to be exactly 669 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,004 the same. 670 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,006 I went all over the world this 671 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,398 year doing stand-up comedy. 672 00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:51,313 Every city is exactly the same. 673 00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:52,098 Doesn't matter if you're in 674 00:16:52,099 --> 00:16:54,229 Sydney, Australia, Chicago, 675 00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:55,926 Toronto, Los Angeles. 676 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,102 There's a Starbucks on every 677 00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:59,191 corner, an ATM machine, 678 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,193 a Walmart, an Ikea making you 679 00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:02,411 feel stupid 'cause you can't put 680 00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:03,543 an office chair together. 681 00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:06,241 It's all the same. 682 00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,503 I went to Afghanistan a few 683 00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:08,635 months ago and did some stand-up 684 00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:09,332 for the military. 685 00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:10,159 Okay, let's have a hand for 686 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,333 those guys. 687 00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:16,295 Okay, good. 688 00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,514 Have a hand for those guys. 689 00:17:18,515 --> 00:17:19,559 See, that was the only city in 690 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,734 the whole world where I went to 691 00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:21,475 where I was thinking, "You know, 692 00:17:21,476 --> 00:17:22,692 this... there's no Starbucks 693 00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:23,737 here. 694 00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:25,304 There's no Wendy's. 695 00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:26,132 You know, if I hopped this 696 00:17:26,133 --> 00:17:29,134 fence, left the military base, 697 00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:30,570 and went downtown Kandahar, 698 00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:33,051 they'd kill me." 699 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:36,489 I like that. 700 00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:40,493 I like that. 701 00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,885 You want to have a few wild 702 00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,104 places left on the planet where, 703 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:44,149 if you go there, they decapitate 704 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:44,846 you, right? 705 00:17:44,847 --> 00:17:47,717 You don't have to go there. 706 00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:49,023 Let's keep a couple of places 707 00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:50,155 like that just to keep it 708 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:53,723 interesting. 709 00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:54,898 Want to make everything exactly 710 00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,596 the same. 711 00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:57,250 Look what happened to 712 00:17:57,251 --> 00:17:58,293 Saddam Hussein. 713 00:17:58,294 --> 00:17:59,599 All the guy wanted to do was be 714 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,514 the king of his own country. 715 00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:02,515 Just wanted to be the leader of 716 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:03,212 his own country. 717 00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:03,952 Just wanted to go out on his 718 00:18:03,953 --> 00:18:05,953 balcony, put on his army suit, 719 00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,781 pretend he's Fidel Castro, shoot 720 00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:09,609 a shotgun in the air, hang out 721 00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:11,263 with his crazy sons, go get 722 00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:12,438 a gold toilet seat made for 723 00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:13,092 himself, you know? 724 00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,440 Get blown by an enslaved 725 00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:15,528 prostitute feeding him grapes, 726 00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:16,182 right? 727 00:18:16,183 --> 00:18:18,792 That's all he wanted to do. 728 00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:20,098 And it pissed us off, right? 729 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,186 It pissed us off. 730 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,665 Who the fuck does this guy think 731 00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,276 he fucking is with his gold 732 00:18:24,277 --> 00:18:27,061 he fucking is with his gold toilet seats and his grapes? 733 00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:30,238 Toilet seats and his grapes? 734 00:18:30,239 --> 00:18:32,110 It pissed us off, and we went in 735 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,241 there, and we chased him all 736 00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:34,025 around, right? 737 00:18:34,026 --> 00:18:35,113 One second, the guy's the king 738 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:35,940 of his own country. 739 00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:36,811 The next second, we're pulling 740 00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:37,507 him out of the hole in 741 00:18:37,507 --> 00:18:38,247 the ground looking like 742 00:18:38,248 --> 00:18:42,424 Nick Nolte's mug shot. 743 00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:43,686 Looking like Ron Jeremy on 744 00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:45,471 a bender. 745 00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:47,734 It's, like, the worst... 746 00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:50,650 It's, like, the worst disguise. 747 00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:51,825 Ron Jeremy's, like, the first 748 00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:52,609 person the Marines would 749 00:18:52,610 --> 00:18:54,741 recognize. 750 00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:59,006 "Ron Jeremy. 751 00:18:59,007 --> 00:18:59,877 He seems a little disoriented, 752 00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:00,530 boys. 753 00:19:00,531 --> 00:19:03,141 Oorah. 754 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,359 Well, strip him down, and hose 755 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:08,276 him off. 756 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:10,235 Wait a minute. 757 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,280 You're not Ron Jeremy. 758 00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:17,590 It's Saddam Hussein!" 759 00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:18,765 That was a cock joke. 760 00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:22,290 That was a cock joke. 761 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,249 That was a joke about 762 00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:26,164 Saddam Hussein's tiny cock! 763 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,426 His tiny cock! 764 00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:30,080 Cock! 765 00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:32,779 Cock! 766 00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:35,303 Cock joke, cock joke, cock joke. 767 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:40,743 Cock joke, cock joke, cock joke. Cock, cock! 768 00:19:40,744 --> 00:19:42,267 Cock, cock! 769 00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:46,358 Fuck jokes. 770 00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:47,968 Screw jokes, huh, Santa? 771 00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:49,970 Come on, fuck it. 772 00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,145 Let's just yell "cock" at these 773 00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:51,799 people all night. 774 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:56,106 Cock! 775 00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:56,760 You guys having fun? 776 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:57,500 You guys are... you guys are 777 00:19:57,501 --> 00:20:02,809 awesome, man. 778 00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,463 When I say "chicken," you say 779 00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:05,160 "sandwich." 780 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:05,813 Chicken. 781 00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:06,466 Sandwich. 782 00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:07,162 Chicken. 783 00:20:07,163 --> 00:20:08,423 Sandwich. 784 00:20:08,424 --> 00:20:12,775 That was fucking pointless. 785 00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:18,304 You guys have fun tonight in 786 00:20:18,305 --> 00:20:19,608 Boston, right? 787 00:20:19,609 --> 00:20:21,610 Absolutely. 788 00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:22,785 In the beautiful Wilbur Theatre 789 00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:23,439 here. 790 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:24,135 Look at this place. 791 00:20:24,136 --> 00:20:25,440 It's amazing. 792 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,050 Got this, uh... got this beautiful 793 00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:28,704 balcony here, right? 794 00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:29,532 You g... how you guys doing? 795 00:20:29,533 --> 00:20:30,967 Right, you got the... the fucking 796 00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:34,667 Right, you got the... the fucking Muppet show and shit, right? 797 00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,887 Muppet show and shit, right? 798 00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:40,673 Good to see you. 799 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:45,244 We didn't plan that. 800 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,070 That light just went on like 801 00:20:46,071 --> 00:20:48,855 that automatically. 802 00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:49,899 I grew up... I grew up on, uh, 803 00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:52,641 I grew up... I grew up on, uh, a Canadian army base. 804 00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:56,602 A Canadian army base. 805 00:20:56,603 --> 00:21:02,042 We got an army. 806 00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:03,173 My dad was a captain in 807 00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,045 the Canadian army. 808 00:21:04,046 --> 00:21:07,003 The Canadian army. He looked after the tank. 809 00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:12,313 He looked after the tank. 810 00:21:12,314 --> 00:21:13,619 It was a Volkswagen Beetle with 811 00:21:13,620 --> 00:21:15,055 a shotgun welded to the roof. 812 00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:20,713 It was... 813 00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,192 You'd see it going by on the way 814 00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:22,846 to school. 815 00:21:22,847 --> 00:21:25,761 It was scary. 816 00:21:25,762 --> 00:21:27,676 Made you think. 817 00:21:27,677 --> 00:21:28,764 Growing up on a Canadian army 818 00:21:28,765 --> 00:21:29,549 base... It made you think. 819 00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:30,289 You'd be like, "Who wants to 820 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,028 attack Canada? 821 00:21:31,029 --> 00:21:33,726 Someone wants to attack Canada." 822 00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:35,858 "Oh, the Russians. 823 00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:37,338 The communists. 824 00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:40,385 The communists." 825 00:21:40,386 --> 00:21:41,690 Spent the first 20 years of our 826 00:21:41,691 --> 00:21:42,996 lives worrying about 827 00:21:42,997 --> 00:21:43,650 The communists. 828 00:21:43,651 --> 00:21:45,172 "The communists, the communists, 829 00:21:45,173 --> 00:21:46,304 the communists, the communists, 830 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:46,957 the c..." 831 00:21:46,958 --> 00:21:48,175 Suddenly it's, "The terrorists, 832 00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:49,524 the terrorists, the terrorists, 833 00:21:49,525 --> 00:21:50,352 the terrorists." 834 00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:51,048 Next it's the fucking 835 00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:51,788 optometrists? 836 00:21:51,789 --> 00:21:53,833 I don't know what the f... 837 00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:54,748 Yeah, it did... nothing... 838 00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:55,531 That stuff they told you didn't 839 00:21:55,531 --> 00:21:56,358 always make sense either 'cause 840 00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:57,141 you didn't have the internet, 841 00:21:57,141 --> 00:21:57,794 right? 842 00:21:57,794 --> 00:21:58,447 So you couldn't go on 843 00:21:58,447 --> 00:21:59,143 the internet and look at 844 00:21:59,143 --> 00:21:59,796 the Russians. 845 00:21:59,796 --> 00:22:00,536 You just had to kind of believe 846 00:22:00,537 --> 00:22:01,928 what you see on the news, see on 847 00:22:01,929 --> 00:22:03,059 The Hunt for Red October. 848 00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:05,671 That's what the Russians were. 849 00:22:05,672 --> 00:22:06,759 That was it. 850 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:07,543 They'd tell you stuff that 851 00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:08,239 didn't make any sense. 852 00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,110 They'd say, "You don't want to 853 00:22:09,111 --> 00:22:10,328 be communists. 854 00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,155 Oh, you don't want to live in 855 00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:11,808 Russia. 856 00:22:11,808 --> 00:22:12,635 In Russia, they can't get 857 00:22:12,636 --> 00:22:15,681 jeans." 858 00:22:15,682 --> 00:22:17,683 Like this is the worst threat. 859 00:22:17,684 --> 00:22:18,598 Lack of jeans. 860 00:22:18,599 --> 00:22:20,381 Didn't make any sense, right? 861 00:22:20,382 --> 00:22:21,122 They could... they could put 862 00:22:21,122 --> 00:22:22,036 a monkey in orbit, but they 863 00:22:22,037 --> 00:22:23,297 couldn't make blue cotton pants? 864 00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:26,126 It didn't make any sense. 865 00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:27,519 You'd be glued to that TV and be 866 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,607 like, "If we don't win this 867 00:22:28,608 --> 00:22:31,958 hockey game, we're fucking dead. 868 00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:33,438 We need to win this hockey 869 00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:34,830 game." 870 00:22:34,831 --> 00:22:37,267 And we'd do drills. 871 00:22:37,268 --> 00:22:38,921 They'd make us do drills. 872 00:22:38,922 --> 00:22:40,967 You're six years old. 873 00:22:40,968 --> 00:22:42,621 You're in school. 874 00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:43,622 Teacher comes out. 875 00:22:43,623 --> 00:22:45,798 She says, "Kids, if the Russians 876 00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,626 launch a nuclear missile, hide 877 00:22:47,627 --> 00:22:49,584 under the desk." 878 00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:51,543 The wooden desk. 879 00:22:51,544 --> 00:22:52,674 Like the desk had been held over 880 00:22:52,675 --> 00:22:53,372 from the '50s. 881 00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:54,763 It had... it had an inkwell in it. 882 00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:55,678 They'd been using feathered 883 00:22:55,679 --> 00:22:57,375 quills not that long ago to 884 00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,506 write on this piece of wooden 885 00:22:58,507 --> 00:22:59,203 furniture. 886 00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:00,161 And now you're underneath it, 887 00:23:00,161 --> 00:23:00,988 and they're telling you it's 888 00:23:00,989 --> 00:23:01,989 going to protect you from 889 00:23:01,990 --> 00:23:05,295 a 15-megaton blast, right? 890 00:23:05,296 --> 00:23:06,732 And you're six years old, and 891 00:23:06,733 --> 00:23:07,950 you're looking at your teacher, 892 00:23:07,951 --> 00:23:09,387 and you're saying, "This is 893 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,824 fucking bullshit." 894 00:23:11,825 --> 00:23:13,434 And remember, you're 895 00:23:13,435 --> 00:23:14,262 under the desk, right? 896 00:23:14,263 --> 00:23:15,393 They got the wite-out, you know, 897 00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:16,394 graffiti under there from 898 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,221 terrified children from drills 899 00:23:18,222 --> 00:23:19,701 gone past... messages to their 900 00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:20,660 families and shit. 901 00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:21,443 Remember wite-out, right? 902 00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:22,270 You'd write something down. 903 00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:23,184 You change your mind, you gotta 904 00:23:23,185 --> 00:23:24,185 pull out a can of paint. 905 00:23:24,186 --> 00:23:25,186 That's how fast the world 906 00:23:25,186 --> 00:23:25,839 changes. 907 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,143 That's how fast the world 908 00:23:27,144 --> 00:23:29,755 changes, sir. 909 00:23:29,756 --> 00:23:31,060 Oh, they... but then they came out 910 00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:32,061 with the Erasermate pen. 911 00:23:32,062 --> 00:23:32,976 Remember the Erasermate pen? 912 00:23:32,976 --> 00:23:33,586 That was exciting. 913 00:23:33,587 --> 00:23:34,587 We could erase ink. 914 00:23:34,588 --> 00:23:38,328 We felt like spies. 915 00:23:38,329 --> 00:23:40,069 The worst invention ever. 916 00:23:40,070 --> 00:23:40,941 It was, like, the w... it was 917 00:23:40,942 --> 00:23:42,028 like a Brillo eraser. 918 00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:43,464 It was like a sandpaper eraser. 919 00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:44,770 You'd scrape a layer of fucking 920 00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:46,554 paper off. 921 00:23:46,555 --> 00:23:47,599 Didn't erase... you'd just scrape 922 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,904 a layer of paper off, hand in 923 00:23:48,905 --> 00:23:52,604 this moth-eaten math quiz. 924 00:23:52,605 --> 00:23:53,432 There's just so much stuff that 925 00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:54,693 didn't make any sense. 926 00:23:54,694 --> 00:23:55,868 Like when they brought "X" s and 927 00:23:55,869 --> 00:23:56,956 "Y" s into math, you know? 928 00:23:56,957 --> 00:23:57,697 I hadn't even figured out 929 00:23:57,697 --> 00:23:58,393 the numbers yet. 930 00:23:58,393 --> 00:23:59,133 I'm looking at the teacher. 931 00:23:59,133 --> 00:23:59,786 I remember looking at 932 00:23:59,786 --> 00:24:00,439 the teacher saying, "Wait 933 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,441 a minute, it's a trick. 934 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,529 It's impossible. 935 00:24:04,530 --> 00:24:07,532 They're letters." 936 00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:08,881 You got a train 937 00:24:08,882 --> 00:24:10,448 coming towards you at 450 miles 938 00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:11,058 per hour. 939 00:24:11,059 --> 00:24:12,624 You're in a sports car going 150 940 00:24:12,625 --> 00:24:13,408 miles per hour towards 941 00:24:13,408 --> 00:24:14,061 the train. 942 00:24:14,061 --> 00:24:14,888 At what time do you meet at 943 00:24:14,888 --> 00:24:15,584 the station? 944 00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:16,411 I can't figure out the "X," "Y" 945 00:24:16,411 --> 00:24:17,064 thing. 946 00:24:17,064 --> 00:24:17,847 I'm never going to be able to 947 00:24:17,848 --> 00:24:18,891 afford a sports car that can go 948 00:24:18,892 --> 00:24:20,196 that fast, okay? 949 00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:21,459 We don't have high-speed rail in 950 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:22,112 this country. 951 00:24:22,112 --> 00:24:22,809 If I want to know what time 952 00:24:22,809 --> 00:24:23,679 the train's going to get to 953 00:24:23,679 --> 00:24:24,419 the station, I'll go to 954 00:24:24,420 --> 00:24:25,463 the station, and I'll fucking 955 00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,813 wait, right? 956 00:24:27,814 --> 00:24:29,467 I'll look at the screen. 957 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,512 I'll ask the conductor, and then 958 00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:34,515 I'll fucking wait. 959 00:24:34,516 --> 00:24:35,734 They give you a pencil case. 960 00:24:35,735 --> 00:24:37,562 They give you a pencil case. 961 00:24:37,563 --> 00:24:38,693 They give you a pencil case with 962 00:24:38,694 --> 00:24:40,347 the original six NHL hockey 963 00:24:40,348 --> 00:24:41,001 teams on it, right? 964 00:24:41,001 --> 00:24:41,871 Boston, right? 965 00:24:41,872 --> 00:24:45,134 Bruins, right? 966 00:24:45,135 --> 00:24:46,440 I grew up loving that, man. 967 00:24:46,441 --> 00:24:47,702 I grew up loving the Boston 968 00:24:47,703 --> 00:24:48,487 Bruins, man. 969 00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:49,444 You got your pencil case. 970 00:24:49,445 --> 00:24:50,879 You got the six NHL hockey teams 971 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:51,533 on it. 972 00:24:51,534 --> 00:24:52,751 Inside your pencil case, you got 973 00:24:52,752 --> 00:24:54,274 your bottle of wite-out. 974 00:24:54,275 --> 00:24:55,884 Y-you got y-your compass, which 975 00:24:55,885 --> 00:24:59,279 is basically a metal spear. 976 00:24:59,280 --> 00:24:59,976 You know, they give every kid 977 00:24:59,977 --> 00:25:01,499 a spear that you can screw 978 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:02,761 a pencil into it, so you can 979 00:25:02,762 --> 00:25:04,153 learn how to draw a circle, 980 00:25:04,154 --> 00:25:04,938 Yeah? 981 00:25:04,939 --> 00:25:06,329 So you can... so you can learn how 982 00:25:06,330 --> 00:25:10,159 to draw a perfect circle. 983 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,686 Thank God they taught us that. 984 00:25:14,687 --> 00:25:15,557 Can't think of where I'd be if 985 00:25:15,557 --> 00:25:16,297 I didn't know how to draw 986 00:25:16,298 --> 00:25:17,993 a circle, right? 987 00:25:17,994 --> 00:25:18,778 Can't think of how many times 988 00:25:18,779 --> 00:25:19,821 I've had to draw a circle in my 989 00:25:19,822 --> 00:25:21,606 adult life. 990 00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:22,521 Went down to the Starbucks 991 00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,434 the other day, ordered myself 992 00:25:23,435 --> 00:25:24,783 a triple grande vanilla latte. 993 00:25:24,784 --> 00:25:25,654 They said, "That will be $4.75, 994 00:25:25,654 --> 00:25:26,350 please. 995 00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:27,177 Can you draw a circle?" 996 00:25:27,178 --> 00:25:29,178 I said, "I left... 997 00:25:29,179 --> 00:25:30,440 left my compass out in the car." 998 00:25:30,441 --> 00:25:31,094 "Well, I'm sorry. 999 00:25:31,094 --> 00:25:31,834 We're not going to be able to 1000 00:25:31,835 --> 00:25:36,838 help you." 1001 00:25:36,839 --> 00:25:38,797 You got... you're six years old. 1002 00:25:38,798 --> 00:25:39,625 You got your wite-out. 1003 00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:40,539 It's a can of paint. 1004 00:25:40,540 --> 00:25:41,843 It's basically a fucking 1005 00:25:41,844 --> 00:25:43,192 inhalant and shit, right? 1006 00:25:43,193 --> 00:25:43,846 You're walking around. 1007 00:25:43,847 --> 00:25:44,933 You're high on fucking paint 1008 00:25:44,934 --> 00:25:45,587 fumes. 1009 00:25:45,588 --> 00:25:47,327 You got a spear in your hand. 1010 00:25:47,328 --> 00:25:48,546 They're telling you the Russians 1011 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:49,373 are coming. 1012 00:25:49,374 --> 00:25:51,418 "Come on, you commie fuckers! 1013 00:25:51,419 --> 00:25:53,376 We don't give a fuck! 1014 00:25:53,377 --> 00:25:56,423 Red Dawn motherfuckers! 1015 00:25:56,424 --> 00:25:59,861 Wolverines! 1016 00:25:59,862 --> 00:26:00,646 Wolverines! 1017 00:26:00,647 --> 00:26:02,081 We got Patrick Swayze, 1018 00:26:02,082 --> 00:26:05,475 we got Patrick Swayze, motherfuckers!" 1019 00:26:05,476 --> 00:26:06,738 Motherfuckers!" 1020 00:26:06,739 --> 00:26:07,609 You know, it's like... it's weird. 1021 00:26:07,609 --> 00:26:08,523 You know, you talk about that. 1022 00:26:08,524 --> 00:26:09,567 You talk about those memories 1023 00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:10,525 from school when you were a kid. 1024 00:26:10,526 --> 00:26:12,352 It's like you realize how fast 1025 00:26:12,353 --> 00:26:14,093 life goes by. 1026 00:26:14,094 --> 00:26:16,574 Just goes like that. 1027 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:17,749 Life. 1028 00:26:17,750 --> 00:26:19,359 Boom. 1029 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,709 Speeds up. 1030 00:26:21,710 --> 00:26:23,015 You ever notice how time speeds 1031 00:26:23,016 --> 00:26:24,582 up as you get older? 1032 00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:25,279 It does. 1033 00:26:25,279 --> 00:26:25,932 It does. 1034 00:26:25,933 --> 00:26:27,193 Speeds up. 1035 00:26:27,194 --> 00:26:27,977 It's all about your perspective 1036 00:26:27,977 --> 00:26:28,630 really. 1037 00:26:28,631 --> 00:26:30,805 That's what I figure. 1038 00:26:30,806 --> 00:26:32,851 Like when you're four years old, 1039 00:26:32,852 --> 00:26:34,766 a year... it's 1/4 of your entire 1040 00:26:34,767 --> 00:26:35,941 Life. 1041 00:26:35,942 --> 00:26:36,985 It's a huge fraction of time. 1042 00:26:36,986 --> 00:26:37,639 You think about that. 1043 00:26:37,639 --> 00:26:38,553 It's like, "Well, that's 1/4 of 1044 00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:39,162 my life. 1045 00:26:39,162 --> 00:26:39,946 That's going to take forever." 1046 00:26:39,947 --> 00:26:41,381 Right? 1047 00:26:41,382 --> 00:26:42,382 Then when you're ten years old, 1048 00:26:42,383 --> 00:26:43,297 it's 1/10 of your life. 1049 00:26:43,298 --> 00:26:45,080 A year is much less significant. 1050 00:26:45,081 --> 00:26:45,952 It seems to be going fast. 1051 00:26:45,953 --> 00:26:46,953 Your perception is it's going by 1052 00:26:46,953 --> 00:26:47,606 much faster. 1053 00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:48,910 Then suddenly you're 15, you're 1054 00:26:48,911 --> 00:26:50,520 30, and you're 50, then you're 1055 00:26:50,521 --> 00:26:52,914 fucking dead, you know? 1056 00:26:52,915 --> 00:26:53,655 I mean, I don't want to bring 1057 00:26:53,655 --> 00:26:54,613 the mood down, but I'm just 1058 00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:56,265 saying. 1059 00:26:56,266 --> 00:27:00,966 Goes by fast, you know? 1060 00:27:00,967 --> 00:27:02,315 Seems like just yesterday I was 1061 00:27:02,316 --> 00:27:06,493 in school drawing a circle, had 1062 00:27:06,494 --> 00:27:07,929 all these asshole teachers 1063 00:27:07,930 --> 00:27:09,104 walking around telling me to 1064 00:27:09,105 --> 00:27:12,107 fuck off. 1065 00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:13,152 I was looking at them. 1066 00:27:13,153 --> 00:27:14,283 I'd say, "I never want to be 1067 00:27:14,284 --> 00:27:18,113 some old fucking asshole telling 1068 00:27:18,114 --> 00:27:19,288 people to fuck off." 1069 00:27:19,289 --> 00:27:20,029 And then suddenly, boom. 1070 00:27:20,029 --> 00:27:20,682 You're old. 1071 00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:21,509 You're telling people to fuck 1072 00:27:21,509 --> 00:27:22,162 off. 1073 00:27:22,163 --> 00:27:24,032 You're like, "This is pretty 1074 00:27:24,033 --> 00:27:26,861 cool." 1075 00:27:26,862 --> 00:27:27,862 It's fun being old and telling 1076 00:27:27,863 --> 00:27:28,647 people to fuck off. 1077 00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:29,517 I went down to the skateboard 1078 00:27:29,518 --> 00:27:30,691 park the other day just to watch 1079 00:27:30,692 --> 00:27:31,779 the kids going up and down 1080 00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:33,172 the stairs on their skateboard, 1081 00:27:33,173 --> 00:27:34,216 doing the little jumps on 1082 00:27:34,217 --> 00:27:35,001 their skateboard... 1083 00:27:35,002 --> 00:27:36,218 Just so I could tell the kids to 1084 00:27:36,219 --> 00:27:38,743 fuck off. 1085 00:27:38,744 --> 00:27:39,831 These kids are... these kids are 1086 00:27:39,832 --> 00:27:40,875 looking at me, "Who are you?" 1087 00:27:40,876 --> 00:27:43,922 "I'm a fucking adult. 1088 00:27:43,923 --> 00:27:45,793 This is my fucking turn, you 1089 00:27:45,794 --> 00:27:49,667 meddling fucks. 1090 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:53,671 Don't take that away from me!" 1091 00:27:53,672 --> 00:27:55,368 These kids turned out to be 35 1092 00:27:55,369 --> 00:27:56,717 years old. 1093 00:27:56,718 --> 00:28:00,155 Like aging skateboarders. 1094 00:28:00,156 --> 00:28:00,809 Kicked the fucking shit out of 1095 00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:01,505 me. 1096 00:28:01,505 --> 00:28:02,332 You can't fight back too. 1097 00:28:02,332 --> 00:28:03,203 You can't fight back when you're 1098 00:28:03,203 --> 00:28:03,856 an adult. 1099 00:28:03,857 --> 00:28:04,899 That's something... if I can... if I 1100 00:28:04,900 --> 00:28:05,814 can... if I can give you any 1101 00:28:05,815 --> 00:28:07,032 advice, it's, as you get older, 1102 00:28:07,033 --> 00:28:08,033 don't get in a fight, okay? 1103 00:28:08,034 --> 00:28:09,599 'Cause...'cause you know how time 1104 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:10,471 speeds up as you get older. 1105 00:28:10,471 --> 00:28:11,124 You're a kid. 1106 00:28:11,124 --> 00:28:11,777 You're used to fighting. 1107 00:28:11,777 --> 00:28:12,603 It's fun. It's cute. 1108 00:28:12,604 --> 00:28:13,691 You knock someone's tooth out. 1109 00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,431 You know, "Ha ha." 1110 00:28:14,431 --> 00:28:15,258 You know, you break someone's 1111 00:28:15,259 --> 00:28:16,519 wrist, "Ha ha, that's cute." 1112 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:17,564 You know? 1113 00:28:17,565 --> 00:28:18,261 But then suddenly you're 1114 00:28:18,262 --> 00:28:19,435 an adult, it's not cute anymore. 1115 00:28:19,436 --> 00:28:22,047 You go to jail. 1116 00:28:22,048 --> 00:28:22,875 You don't even realize you're 1117 00:28:22,875 --> 00:28:23,571 an adult. 1118 00:28:23,571 --> 00:28:24,354 You're just doing what you been 1119 00:28:24,354 --> 00:28:25,225 doing, and suddenly you go to 1120 00:28:25,226 --> 00:28:27,313 jail. 1121 00:28:27,314 --> 00:28:29,663 Even if it's self-defense. 1122 00:28:29,664 --> 00:28:30,708 Even if it's self-defense. 1123 00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:31,492 They tell you you can fight in 1124 00:28:31,493 --> 00:28:32,971 self-defense, don't fight back, 1125 00:28:32,972 --> 00:28:34,494 Even if it's self-defense. 1126 00:28:34,495 --> 00:28:35,191 You'll go to jail. 1127 00:28:35,192 --> 00:28:38,193 The system's fucked. 1128 00:28:38,194 --> 00:28:40,456 You'll go to jail. 1129 00:28:40,457 --> 00:28:42,676 Even if it's in self-defense. 1130 00:28:42,677 --> 00:28:43,330 All right? 1131 00:28:43,330 --> 00:28:44,113 Someone comes up to you. 1132 00:28:44,113 --> 00:28:44,853 They poke you in the eye. 1133 00:28:44,853 --> 00:28:45,593 You're like, "What the fuck? 1134 00:28:45,594 --> 00:28:46,636 Don't you ever fucking punch me 1135 00:28:46,637 --> 00:28:47,595 in the... 1136 00:28:47,596 --> 00:28:48,813 Man, I don't give a fuck, man! 1137 00:28:48,814 --> 00:28:49,771 I don't give a fuck! 1138 00:28:49,772 --> 00:28:50,945 I don't give a fuck! 1139 00:28:50,946 --> 00:28:51,904 I don't give a fuck! 1140 00:28:51,904 --> 00:28:52,774 I don't give a fuck! 1141 00:28:52,774 --> 00:28:53,688 I don't give a fuck! 1142 00:28:53,688 --> 00:28:54,645 I don't give a fuck! 1143 00:28:54,645 --> 00:28:55,472 I don't give a fuck! 1144 00:28:55,473 --> 00:28:57,082 I don't give a fuck! 1145 00:28:57,083 --> 00:28:59,040 I don't give a fuck! 1146 00:28:59,041 --> 00:29:00,041 I don't give a fuck! 1147 00:29:00,042 --> 00:29:01,303 I don't give a fuck! 1148 00:29:01,304 --> 00:29:02,696 I don't give a fuck, man! 1149 00:29:02,697 --> 00:29:04,350 I don't give a fuck, man! 1150 00:29:04,351 --> 00:29:05,525 I don't give a..." 1151 00:29:05,526 --> 00:29:06,483 You look down at the ground. 1152 00:29:06,484 --> 00:29:07,962 The guy's fucking dead. 1153 00:29:12,707 --> 00:29:13,534 Doesn't matter if it's 1154 00:29:13,534 --> 00:29:14,274 self-defense. 1155 00:29:14,274 --> 00:29:14,927 You're going to jail. 1156 00:29:14,927 --> 00:29:15,666 Who are they going to believe? 1157 00:29:15,666 --> 00:29:16,319 You or the dead guy? 1158 00:29:16,319 --> 00:29:17,016 They're going to believe 1159 00:29:17,016 --> 00:29:17,843 the dead guy. 1160 00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:18,757 Then you're in jail for the rest 1161 00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:19,409 of your life. 1162 00:29:19,409 --> 00:29:20,236 You got no other option. 1163 00:29:20,236 --> 00:29:21,020 You gotta hang yourself with 1164 00:29:21,021 --> 00:29:23,543 your bed sheets. 1165 00:29:23,544 --> 00:29:24,197 Huh? 1166 00:29:24,197 --> 00:29:25,111 That's your only option, right? 1167 00:29:25,111 --> 00:29:25,807 You gotta hang yourself with 1168 00:29:25,808 --> 00:29:28,809 your bed sheets, right? 1169 00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:29,680 It's not the way you want to go, 1170 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:30,420 right, if you have to make that 1171 00:29:30,420 --> 00:29:31,073 choice? 1172 00:29:31,073 --> 00:29:31,987 Hanging yourself with your bed 1173 00:29:31,988 --> 00:29:33,858 sheets, right? 1174 00:29:33,859 --> 00:29:35,598 You have to make that choice. 1175 00:29:35,599 --> 00:29:36,383 That's not the way you want to 1176 00:29:36,384 --> 00:29:38,210 go. 1177 00:29:38,211 --> 00:29:38,994 You don't want that to be your 1178 00:29:38,994 --> 00:29:39,734 only option, right? 1179 00:29:39,734 --> 00:29:40,387 At least maybe you want 1180 00:29:40,387 --> 00:29:41,214 the option to maybe jump off 1181 00:29:41,215 --> 00:29:44,042 the option to maybe jump off a bridge maybe, you have the... 1182 00:29:44,043 --> 00:29:47,523 a bridge maybe, you have the... 1183 00:29:47,524 --> 00:29:48,742 Huh? 1184 00:29:48,743 --> 00:29:49,526 No, but you know what I mean. 1185 00:29:49,527 --> 00:29:51,397 Like... 1186 00:29:53,139 --> 00:29:54,226 At least when you jump off 1187 00:29:54,227 --> 00:29:55,184 a bridge, you know, you get 1188 00:29:55,185 --> 00:29:56,358 that experience, you know? 1189 00:29:56,359 --> 00:29:58,883 You... 1190 00:29:58,884 --> 00:30:00,319 You get that five seconds there 1191 00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:01,624 of, like, "Oh, fuck!" 1192 00:30:01,625 --> 00:30:03,931 You know? 1193 00:30:03,932 --> 00:30:05,237 "Maybe I really did want to 1194 00:30:05,238 --> 00:30:07,630 live! 1195 00:30:07,631 --> 00:30:08,936 Maybe if I just jackknife 1196 00:30:08,937 --> 00:30:09,633 a little bit." 1197 00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:13,462 "What have I gotten myself into 1198 00:30:13,463 --> 00:30:16,465 "What have I gotten myself into this time?" 1199 00:30:16,466 --> 00:30:21,166 This time?" 1200 00:30:21,167 --> 00:30:21,820 It's awesome. 1201 00:30:21,820 --> 00:30:22,516 We got Justin Bieber here 1202 00:30:22,516 --> 00:30:23,169 tonight. 1203 00:30:23,170 --> 00:30:25,126 How you doing, sir? 1204 00:30:25,127 --> 00:30:26,214 Justin Bieber, ladies and 1205 00:30:26,215 --> 00:30:27,302 gentlemen. 1206 00:30:27,303 --> 00:30:28,434 Justin Bieber, ladies and 1207 00:30:28,435 --> 00:30:30,305 gentlemen. 1208 00:30:30,306 --> 00:30:32,394 Unbelievable. 1209 00:30:32,395 --> 00:30:33,439 Another Canadian coming out to 1210 00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:34,093 support me. 1211 00:30:34,094 --> 00:30:37,747 Thank you very much. 1212 00:30:37,748 --> 00:30:38,966 I think they gotta legalize all 1213 00:30:38,967 --> 00:30:44,537 drugs. 1214 00:30:44,538 --> 00:30:45,495 You know, save some money. 1215 00:30:45,495 --> 00:30:46,453 Legalize drugs. 1216 00:30:46,453 --> 00:30:47,410 We don't have to enforce it. 1217 00:30:47,411 --> 00:30:49,759 We don't have to tax it. 1218 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:50,544 I'm not just talking about 1219 00:30:50,544 --> 00:30:51,197 marijuana. 1220 00:30:51,198 --> 00:30:52,371 I'm talking about... I'm talking 1221 00:30:52,372 --> 00:30:53,242 about mushrooms. 1222 00:30:53,243 --> 00:30:54,373 I'm talking about ecstas... 1223 00:30:54,374 --> 00:30:55,027 right? 1224 00:30:55,028 --> 00:30:56,636 I'm talking about ecstasy. 1225 00:30:56,637 --> 00:30:58,072 I'm talking about acid. 1226 00:30:58,073 --> 00:30:59,682 I'm talking about cocaine. 1227 00:30:59,683 --> 00:31:01,206 I'm talking about crack. 1228 00:31:01,207 --> 00:31:01,990 I'm talking about meth. 1229 00:31:01,991 --> 00:31:03,643 Legalize it all, okay? 1230 00:31:03,644 --> 00:31:05,166 I just... I don't see why we feel 1231 00:31:05,167 --> 00:31:06,776 the need to make laws that 1232 00:31:06,777 --> 00:31:07,995 prevent people from doing what 1233 00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:10,215 they want to do to themselves. 1234 00:31:10,216 --> 00:31:11,346 All right? 1235 00:31:11,347 --> 00:31:12,870 I mean, suicide's illegal. 1236 00:31:12,871 --> 00:31:15,873 I mean, suicide's illegal. That makes a lot of sense. 1237 00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:19,267 That makes a lot of sense. 1238 00:31:19,268 --> 00:31:20,442 Wouldn't want to get charged 1239 00:31:20,443 --> 00:31:24,229 with suicide. 1240 00:31:24,230 --> 00:31:25,273 Wouldn't want that going on my 1241 00:31:25,274 --> 00:31:26,709 record. 1242 00:31:26,710 --> 00:31:27,710 Is that like a deterrent? 1243 00:31:27,711 --> 00:31:29,887 I don't know. 1244 00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,192 If people want to take cocaine 1245 00:31:31,193 --> 00:31:32,064 till they have a heart attack 1246 00:31:32,064 --> 00:31:32,891 and die, let them. 1247 00:31:32,892 --> 00:31:34,065 It's a tough economy right now. 1248 00:31:34,066 --> 00:31:36,197 There's high unemployment. 1249 00:31:36,198 --> 00:31:37,895 If 50% of the people in this 1250 00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:39,374 country O.D.'d on coke and died, 1251 00:31:39,375 --> 00:31:40,072 that would open up the job 1252 00:31:40,072 --> 00:31:40,768 market. 1253 00:31:40,769 --> 00:31:43,639 I need a job, right? 1254 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:44,684 Yeah. 1255 00:31:44,685 --> 00:31:45,859 Cut down on traffic on 1256 00:31:45,860 --> 00:31:47,643 the freeway. 1257 00:31:47,644 --> 00:31:48,906 Make it easier to get a parking 1258 00:31:48,907 --> 00:31:50,037 spot at the Walmart. 1259 00:31:50,038 --> 00:31:52,910 I need a fucking job. 1260 00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:53,824 Thinking of getting a job in 1261 00:31:53,825 --> 00:31:56,957 the funeral home business. 1262 00:31:56,958 --> 00:31:58,002 That's a good business. 1263 00:31:58,003 --> 00:31:58,917 It's a good business in a tough 1264 00:31:58,917 --> 00:31:59,569 economy. 1265 00:31:59,570 --> 00:32:01,440 They've done studies. 1266 00:32:01,441 --> 00:32:02,528 It's true. 1267 00:32:02,529 --> 00:32:03,921 Go to any small town in America. 1268 00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:04,922 There it is at the edge of town. 1269 00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:06,184 The funeral home. 1270 00:32:06,185 --> 00:32:08,751 It's the biggest house in town. 1271 00:32:08,752 --> 00:32:09,666 Looks like the governor's 1272 00:32:09,667 --> 00:32:10,753 mansion. 1273 00:32:10,754 --> 00:32:12,233 It's got Corinthian columns, you 1274 00:32:12,234 --> 00:32:12,931 know, like they're trying to 1275 00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:13,932 entice us. 1276 00:32:13,933 --> 00:32:16,063 You know, I want to die there. 1277 00:32:16,064 --> 00:32:20,938 They've got Corinthian columns. 1278 00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,026 Obviously it's a morbid 1279 00:32:22,027 --> 00:32:24,158 occupation. 1280 00:32:24,159 --> 00:32:25,159 You know, the more people that 1281 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:28,597 die, the more money you make. 1282 00:32:28,598 --> 00:32:33,472 "Yeah, we had a good month. 1283 00:32:33,473 --> 00:32:35,517 "Yeah, we had a good month. Had that school bus crash. 1284 00:32:35,518 --> 00:32:42,960 Had that school bus crash. 1285 00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:43,874 Thinking about getting the new 1286 00:32:43,875 --> 00:32:47,486 Corvette actually. 1287 00:32:47,487 --> 00:32:48,487 Yeah, if they don't get that 1288 00:32:48,488 --> 00:32:50,358 serial rapist-murderer soon, I 1289 00:32:50,359 --> 00:32:51,664 may retile the floors out at 1290 00:32:51,665 --> 00:32:55,102 may retile the floors out at the lake. 1291 00:32:55,103 --> 00:33:02,022 The lake. 1292 00:33:02,023 --> 00:33:02,937 Let's just hope he doesn't get 1293 00:33:02,937 --> 00:33:03,590 sloppy. 1294 00:33:03,591 --> 00:33:04,677 Sometimes they stop wearing 1295 00:33:04,678 --> 00:33:07,680 sometimes they stop wearing gloves." 1296 00:33:07,681 --> 00:33:09,377 Gloves." 1297 00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:13,904 Okay, it's good to see we have 1298 00:33:13,905 --> 00:33:15,644 a few sick fucks like me here 1299 00:33:15,645 --> 00:33:18,647 a few sick fucks like me here tonight. 1300 00:33:18,648 --> 00:33:22,086 Tonight. 1301 00:33:22,087 --> 00:33:23,087 Somebody said to me before I 1302 00:33:23,088 --> 00:33:24,436 came to Boston, they said, "Have 1303 00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:28,005 a safe flight, Tom." 1304 00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:28,702 Never say that to someone. 1305 00:33:28,702 --> 00:33:29,355 "Have a safe flight." 1306 00:33:29,355 --> 00:33:30,008 Thanks. 1307 00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:30,921 Thanks for reminding me that 1308 00:33:30,922 --> 00:33:33,401 it's not safe. 1309 00:33:33,402 --> 00:33:34,446 Thanks for wishing me well on 1310 00:33:34,447 --> 00:33:35,274 something I have no control 1311 00:33:35,274 --> 00:33:35,970 over. 1312 00:33:35,970 --> 00:33:36,623 What, do you want me to take 1313 00:33:36,624 --> 00:33:37,927 a dipstick to the airport, kick 1314 00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,103 the fucking tires, check 1315 00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:42,628 the gauges before takeoff? 1316 00:33:42,629 --> 00:33:43,846 I have no control over that. 1317 00:33:43,847 --> 00:33:44,674 "Have a safe flight." 1318 00:33:44,675 --> 00:33:46,023 "Okay, good luck not getting 1319 00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:46,807 brain cancer. 1320 00:33:46,808 --> 00:33:49,809 Brain cancer. Right back at you, buddy." 1321 00:33:49,810 --> 00:34:02,865 Right back at you, buddy." 1322 00:34:02,866 --> 00:34:04,041 And, man, you know the political 1323 00:34:04,042 --> 00:34:05,085 system in this country is 1324 00:34:05,086 --> 00:34:07,087 getting fucked up when half 1325 00:34:07,088 --> 00:34:08,436 the cast of Predator has been 1326 00:34:08,437 --> 00:34:10,830 the cast of Predator has been elected governor. 1327 00:34:10,831 --> 00:34:14,790 Elected governor. 1328 00:34:14,791 --> 00:34:17,793 Elected governor. 1329 00:34:20,754 --> 00:34:23,321 Donald Trump... 1330 00:34:23,322 --> 00:34:29,022 my old boss... 1331 00:34:29,023 --> 00:34:30,719 misled the people of America and 1332 00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:33,592 the world, made them all think 1333 00:34:33,593 --> 00:34:34,767 that he was thinking about 1334 00:34:34,768 --> 00:34:36,290 running for president. 1335 00:34:36,291 --> 00:34:37,249 Everybody's thinking about 1336 00:34:37,250 --> 00:34:38,901 running for president, right? 1337 00:34:38,902 --> 00:34:40,207 He was thinking about running 1338 00:34:40,208 --> 00:34:40,948 for president. 1339 00:34:40,948 --> 00:34:41,557 Of course he was doing this 1340 00:34:41,557 --> 00:34:42,254 'cause he wanted to improve 1341 00:34:42,255 --> 00:34:44,820 the ratings on his show. 1342 00:34:44,821 --> 00:34:46,257 And media, of course, reported 1343 00:34:46,258 --> 00:34:47,867 on it with glee. 1344 00:34:47,868 --> 00:34:51,000 Something to talk about today. 1345 00:34:51,001 --> 00:34:52,045 While he was doing this a few 1346 00:34:52,046 --> 00:34:54,134 months ago, he said, 1347 00:34:54,135 --> 00:34:56,180 "Barack Obama is the worst 1348 00:34:56,181 --> 00:34:57,485 president in the history of 1349 00:34:57,486 --> 00:35:02,403 the United States." 1350 00:35:02,404 --> 00:35:05,493 So the next day, to retaliate, 1351 00:35:05,494 --> 00:35:07,104 Barack Obama kills 1352 00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:10,237 Osama bin Laden, right? 1353 00:35:10,238 --> 00:35:13,458 Osama bin Laden, right? Just like that. 1354 00:35:13,459 --> 00:35:17,592 Just like that. 1355 00:35:17,593 --> 00:35:18,854 Then he makes the announcement 1356 00:35:18,855 --> 00:35:20,247 during that week's episode of 1357 00:35:20,248 --> 00:35:21,509 Celebrity Apprentice, to 1358 00:35:21,510 --> 00:35:25,122 ratings' disaster. 1359 00:35:25,123 --> 00:35:27,994 Well played, sir. 1360 00:35:27,995 --> 00:35:30,692 Well played, sir. Well played. 1361 00:35:30,693 --> 00:35:36,568 Well played. 1362 00:35:36,569 --> 00:35:38,265 Went to an Ethiopian restaurant 1363 00:35:38,266 --> 00:35:41,877 the other day. 1364 00:35:41,878 --> 00:35:44,880 The other day. I was curious. 1365 00:35:44,881 --> 00:35:50,843 I was curious. 1366 00:35:50,844 --> 00:35:51,627 I'd always been under 1367 00:35:51,628 --> 00:35:53,367 the impression they didn't have 1368 00:35:53,368 --> 00:35:56,327 the impression they didn't have food in Ethiopia. 1369 00:35:56,328 --> 00:36:00,766 Food in Ethiopia. 1370 00:36:00,767 --> 00:36:03,551 Man, the service was slow. 1371 00:36:03,552 --> 00:36:04,510 You know, by the time the waiter 1372 00:36:04,510 --> 00:36:05,337 got to the table, I was 1373 00:36:05,338 --> 00:36:09,557 practically starving. 1374 00:36:09,558 --> 00:36:12,125 The menu was limited, you know? 1375 00:36:12,126 --> 00:36:12,909 They said, "We're all out of 1376 00:36:12,909 --> 00:36:13,693 everything and waiting for 1377 00:36:13,694 --> 00:36:16,782 everything and waiting for the Red Cross." 1378 00:36:16,783 --> 00:36:21,656 The Red Cross." 1379 00:36:21,657 --> 00:36:23,310 Walt Disney froze his head. 1380 00:36:23,311 --> 00:36:27,009 Walt Disney froze his head. 1381 00:36:27,010 --> 00:36:27,794 He froze his head. 1382 00:36:27,795 --> 00:36:29,011 He put it in a cryogenic 1383 00:36:29,012 --> 00:36:30,448 facility, so he could be brought 1384 00:36:30,449 --> 00:36:31,710 back to life in the future when 1385 00:36:31,711 --> 00:36:32,754 they find a cure for whatever it 1386 00:36:32,755 --> 00:36:33,669 was that killed him, right? 1387 00:36:33,669 --> 00:36:34,496 I think it was cancer that 1388 00:36:34,497 --> 00:36:35,540 killed him, although I'm sure 1389 00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:37,585 the decapitation didn't help, 1390 00:36:37,586 --> 00:36:38,326 right? 1391 00:36:38,327 --> 00:36:40,109 So... 1392 00:36:40,110 --> 00:36:41,110 Just see in, like, 100 years 1393 00:36:41,111 --> 00:36:42,416 from now, some future doctor 1394 00:36:42,417 --> 00:36:43,417 with some future Mrs. Disney, 1395 00:36:43,418 --> 00:36:44,114 "You know, I'm sorry, 1396 00:36:44,114 --> 00:36:44,767 Mrs. Disney. 1397 00:36:44,767 --> 00:36:45,594 You know, we've... we've cured 1398 00:36:45,594 --> 00:36:46,247 cancer. 1399 00:36:46,248 --> 00:36:47,291 We've cured heart disease. 1400 00:36:47,292 --> 00:36:48,422 We've cured kidney disease. 1401 00:36:48,423 --> 00:36:49,597 In fact, pretty much the only 1402 00:36:49,598 --> 00:36:50,685 thing we haven't cured is 1403 00:36:50,686 --> 00:36:53,210 decapitation. 1404 00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:55,516 He really made this hard for us. 1405 00:36:55,517 --> 00:36:56,648 Just going to put the head back 1406 00:36:56,649 --> 00:36:59,651 Just going to put the head back in the fridge now." 1407 00:36:59,652 --> 00:37:05,831 In the fridge now." 1408 00:37:05,832 --> 00:37:06,615 You know... You know what occurred 1409 00:37:06,615 --> 00:37:07,268 to me? 1410 00:37:07,269 --> 00:37:08,703 There's no cheese in Chinese 1411 00:37:08,704 --> 00:37:13,230 There's no cheese in Chinese food. 1412 00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,535 Food. 1413 00:37:14,536 --> 00:37:15,363 There's no cheese in Chinese 1414 00:37:15,363 --> 00:37:16,059 Food. 1415 00:37:16,059 --> 00:37:16,799 What, the Chinese don't eat 1416 00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:17,886 cheese or something like that? 1417 00:37:17,887 --> 00:37:19,061 Right? 1418 00:37:19,062 --> 00:37:20,280 Yeah, they'll eat monkey brain, 1419 00:37:20,281 --> 00:37:21,586 they'll eat shark fin soup, 1420 00:37:21,587 --> 00:37:22,587 they'll eat a boiled tiger 1421 00:37:22,588 --> 00:37:25,198 penis, but no cheese? 1422 00:37:25,199 --> 00:37:26,373 I don't know about you guys, but 1423 00:37:26,374 --> 00:37:27,592 I think a nice, boiled tiger 1424 00:37:27,593 --> 00:37:28,463 penis would be better with 1425 00:37:28,464 --> 00:37:29,768 a little Parmesan, don't you 1426 00:37:29,769 --> 00:37:31,726 think? 1427 00:37:36,732 --> 00:37:38,516 Who buys porn magazines anymore? 1428 00:37:38,517 --> 00:37:39,604 The magazines. 1429 00:37:39,605 --> 00:37:40,475 The magazines. 1430 00:37:41,260 --> 00:37:44,435 The magazines. 1431 00:37:44,436 --> 00:37:45,263 You buy the magazines? 1432 00:37:45,264 --> 00:37:48,352 What, no internet? 1433 00:37:48,353 --> 00:37:49,223 I was in the 7-eleven. 1434 00:37:49,223 --> 00:37:49,876 I'm looking. 1435 00:37:49,877 --> 00:37:51,006 I'm seeing the porn magazines. 1436 00:37:51,007 --> 00:37:51,791 I'm thinking, "Who buys those?" 1437 00:37:51,791 --> 00:37:52,487 And I thought, "It's for 1438 00:37:52,488 --> 00:37:53,661 the homeless, the homeless." 1439 00:37:53,662 --> 00:37:54,533 You know, they have needs, 1440 00:37:54,534 --> 00:37:55,750 right, you know? 1441 00:37:55,751 --> 00:37:56,578 I mean, it's hard getting some 1442 00:37:56,579 --> 00:37:57,926 alone time under the overpass 1443 00:37:57,927 --> 00:37:59,711 obviously. 1444 00:37:59,712 --> 00:38:00,929 Plus you gotta take off your six 1445 00:38:00,930 --> 00:38:03,671 pairs of pants. 1446 00:38:03,672 --> 00:38:04,412 "Hey, you, what are you doing 1447 00:38:04,412 --> 00:38:05,108 there?" 1448 00:38:05,108 --> 00:38:05,761 "Me?" 1449 00:38:05,762 --> 00:38:07,327 "I was just 1450 00:38:07,328 --> 00:38:12,332 eating trash!" 1451 00:38:12,333 --> 00:38:13,073 You gotta come up with 1452 00:38:13,073 --> 00:38:14,030 an excuse, right? 1453 00:38:14,031 --> 00:38:15,204 It's actually less embarrassing 1454 00:38:15,205 --> 00:38:16,815 to get caught eating trash than 1455 00:38:16,816 --> 00:38:18,686 it is to get caught jacking off 1456 00:38:18,687 --> 00:38:20,384 under an overpass. 1457 00:38:20,385 --> 00:38:23,822 They've done studies. 1458 00:38:23,823 --> 00:38:25,519 Who likes porn? 1459 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:26,216 Come on. 1460 00:38:26,870 --> 00:38:28,043 Come on, Boston. 1461 00:38:28,044 --> 00:38:29,567 Who likes porn? 1462 00:38:31,439 --> 00:38:32,397 Yeah. 1463 00:38:32,398 --> 00:38:34,180 "Yeah, we like to watch people 1464 00:38:34,181 --> 00:38:35,790 fuck on the computer!" 1465 00:38:35,791 --> 00:38:41,796 Fuck on the computer!" 1466 00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:46,324 I just think we're living in 1467 00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:47,020 a crazy world, man. 1468 00:38:47,020 --> 00:38:47,803 This is what I'm talking about. 1469 00:38:47,803 --> 00:38:48,456 Crazy world. 1470 00:38:48,457 --> 00:38:49,543 The world's gone crazy. 1471 00:38:49,544 --> 00:38:50,415 I think it's... you know, that's 1472 00:38:50,415 --> 00:38:51,111 the thing. 1473 00:38:51,112 --> 00:38:52,677 The internet... we can see 1474 00:38:52,678 --> 00:38:53,721 anything instantly. 1475 00:38:53,722 --> 00:38:54,809 The innocence in our world is 1476 00:38:54,810 --> 00:38:55,463 gone. 1477 00:38:55,464 --> 00:38:56,768 I think we gotta be careful. 1478 00:38:56,769 --> 00:38:57,552 We're giving away too much. 1479 00:38:57,552 --> 00:38:58,379 I don't think we've thought it 1480 00:38:58,379 --> 00:38:59,075 through. 1481 00:38:59,076 --> 00:39:00,641 I liked it better when I was 1482 00:39:00,642 --> 00:39:01,339 a kid. 1483 00:39:01,340 --> 00:39:02,340 They didn't have the internet 1484 00:39:02,341 --> 00:39:03,688 when I was 14 years old when 1485 00:39:03,689 --> 00:39:06,386 porn mattered most. 1486 00:39:06,387 --> 00:39:07,518 You couldn't get a picture of 1487 00:39:07,519 --> 00:39:09,084 a naked woman if you tried, and 1488 00:39:09,085 --> 00:39:10,216 I tried. 1489 00:39:10,217 --> 00:39:12,349 I tried. 1490 00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,873 It was impossible. 1491 00:39:14,874 --> 00:39:18,137 It was impossible. It was like a porn drought. 1492 00:39:18,138 --> 00:39:20,357 It was like a porn drought. 1493 00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,184 It was just a different thing. 1494 00:39:22,185 --> 00:39:24,186 And you'd have to imagine it. 1495 00:39:24,187 --> 00:39:25,405 You'd have to imagine what 1496 00:39:25,406 --> 00:39:27,364 a naked lady looked like, and 1497 00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,453 you did. 1498 00:39:29,454 --> 00:39:30,368 You would get excited when 1499 00:39:30,369 --> 00:39:33,544 the Sears catalog arrived. 1500 00:39:33,545 --> 00:39:35,415 You would run to the mailbox, 1501 00:39:35,416 --> 00:39:36,112 okay? 1502 00:39:36,113 --> 00:39:37,330 You'd run to the mailbox, whip 1503 00:39:37,331 --> 00:39:38,245 it open to the brassiere 1504 00:39:38,246 --> 00:39:39,332 section, you know, maybe catch 1505 00:39:39,333 --> 00:39:40,812 an outline of a nipple. 1506 00:39:40,813 --> 00:39:42,074 That was porn. 1507 00:39:42,075 --> 00:39:43,467 And... and they didn't have 1508 00:39:43,468 --> 00:39:44,685 Photoshop back then, right? 1509 00:39:44,686 --> 00:39:45,426 So sometimes there would be 1510 00:39:45,426 --> 00:39:46,384 a little error in there, like 1511 00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:47,167 you'd catch a glimpse of some 1512 00:39:47,168 --> 00:39:48,341 camel toe or something like 1513 00:39:48,342 --> 00:39:49,516 that. 1514 00:39:49,517 --> 00:39:51,039 You get some camel toe, that was 1515 00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:51,998 a score, okay? 1516 00:39:51,999 --> 00:39:53,302 That was a score. 1517 00:39:53,303 --> 00:39:54,434 That was a "clip that one out, 1518 00:39:54,435 --> 00:39:55,393 keep that one for later." 1519 00:39:55,394 --> 00:39:57,263 That was a score, okay? 1520 00:39:57,264 --> 00:39:58,830 You go to JCPenney catalog. 1521 00:39:58,831 --> 00:40:00,179 The JCPenney catalog was 1522 00:40:00,180 --> 00:40:01,050 the raunch catalog. 1523 00:40:01,050 --> 00:40:01,703 That was the bad lighting and 1524 00:40:01,703 --> 00:40:02,400 shit. 1525 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:03,052 They have 1526 00:40:03,053 --> 00:40:04,053 the methamphetamine-addicted 1527 00:40:04,054 --> 00:40:05,532 models and shit, the toothless 1528 00:40:05,533 --> 00:40:06,881 m..."Give me a swimsuit. 1529 00:40:06,882 --> 00:40:07,969 I'll do whatever the fuck you 1530 00:40:07,970 --> 00:40:08,797 want," you know? 1531 00:40:08,798 --> 00:40:10,668 That was a score. 1532 00:40:10,669 --> 00:40:11,626 And the women back then had 1533 00:40:11,627 --> 00:40:13,235 the big, puffy bushes. 1534 00:40:13,236 --> 00:40:13,976 You go to the lace underwear 1535 00:40:13,976 --> 00:40:14,629 section. 1536 00:40:14,629 --> 00:40:15,369 You know, sometimes there would 1537 00:40:15,370 --> 00:40:16,761 be a little fucking straggler 1538 00:40:16,762 --> 00:40:18,023 making a break for it, you know? 1539 00:40:18,024 --> 00:40:19,764 Ehh, little gremlin, you know? 1540 00:40:19,765 --> 00:40:20,852 Mehh, ehh, little gremlin, you 1541 00:40:20,853 --> 00:40:21,506 know? 1542 00:40:21,507 --> 00:40:23,028 Ehh, don't get it wet. 1543 00:40:23,029 --> 00:40:24,464 Don't feed it after midnight. 1544 00:40:24,465 --> 00:40:26,553 Ehh. 1545 00:40:26,554 --> 00:40:27,641 That doesn't even refer to what 1546 00:40:27,642 --> 00:40:29,208 I was talking about, so... 1547 00:40:29,209 --> 00:40:30,296 He noticed, he noticed. 1548 00:40:30,297 --> 00:40:31,167 He notices everything. 1549 00:40:31,168 --> 00:40:32,341 Yeah. 1550 00:40:32,342 --> 00:40:34,300 That was a score, right? 1551 00:40:34,301 --> 00:40:35,215 That was a "keep that one under 1552 00:40:35,215 --> 00:40:36,172 the mattress for later." 1553 00:40:36,173 --> 00:40:37,695 That was a score. 1554 00:40:37,696 --> 00:40:42,177 Yeah, one of those stragglers. 1555 00:40:42,178 --> 00:40:47,182 Yeah, one of those stragglers. 1556 00:40:49,490 --> 00:40:51,012 Then some kid would always find 1557 00:40:51,013 --> 00:40:53,885 a Penthouse magazine way out in 1558 00:40:53,886 --> 00:40:56,496 the woods. 1559 00:40:56,497 --> 00:40:57,976 Like... 1560 00:40:57,977 --> 00:40:58,977 Like it didn't make any sense. 1561 00:40:58,978 --> 00:41:00,935 It was impossible how it got 1562 00:41:00,936 --> 00:41:02,023 that far into the woods. 1563 00:41:02,024 --> 00:41:03,634 It was impossible. 1564 00:41:03,635 --> 00:41:04,852 It's like some porn fairy left 1565 00:41:04,853 --> 00:41:05,506 it out there. 1566 00:41:05,507 --> 00:41:10,423 It was impossible. 1567 00:41:10,424 --> 00:41:11,251 I remember I was walking through 1568 00:41:11,252 --> 00:41:12,252 the woods with my friend Mark. 1569 00:41:12,252 --> 00:41:13,035 We had our Swiss Army knives 1570 00:41:13,035 --> 00:41:13,688 out. 1571 00:41:13,689 --> 00:41:14,862 You know, we're carving sticks, 1572 00:41:14,863 --> 00:41:16,255 sharpening the ends of trees, 1573 00:41:16,256 --> 00:41:17,648 pretending to be Rambo making 1574 00:41:17,649 --> 00:41:19,258 traps. 1575 00:41:19,259 --> 00:41:20,651 You bend the tree over, you put 1576 00:41:20,652 --> 00:41:21,826 a rock on it. 1577 00:41:21,827 --> 00:41:22,784 You walk away. 1578 00:41:22,784 --> 00:41:23,611 You never hear about the guy 1579 00:41:23,612 --> 00:41:24,785 that gets blinded two weeks 1580 00:41:24,786 --> 00:41:27,135 later just... just having fun in 1581 00:41:27,136 --> 00:41:28,007 the woods. 1582 00:41:28,008 --> 00:41:30,965 The woods. Boys will be boys, huh? 1583 00:41:30,966 --> 00:41:35,535 Boys will be boys, huh? 1584 00:41:35,536 --> 00:41:38,495 Remember we were standing there. 1585 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,932 Remember the sun was coming down 1586 00:41:40,933 --> 00:41:43,630 through the trees and hitting 1587 00:41:43,631 --> 00:41:46,720 the ground, and there it was, 1588 00:41:46,721 --> 00:41:49,418 jutting out from under a rock... 1589 00:41:49,419 --> 00:41:51,682 the Penthouse logo. 1590 00:41:51,683 --> 00:41:52,510 I couldn't believe it. 1591 00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:53,162 I saw it. 1592 00:41:53,163 --> 00:41:54,293 My friend Mark saw it. 1593 00:41:54,294 --> 00:41:55,512 He saw that I saw it. 1594 00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:56,513 I saw that he saw it. 1595 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:57,471 I ran for that thing. 1596 00:41:57,472 --> 00:41:58,515 I got there first. 1597 00:41:58,516 --> 00:41:59,603 I had it in my hands. 1598 00:41:59,604 --> 00:42:00,387 He grabs it. 1599 00:42:00,388 --> 00:42:01,474 He's pulling it. 1600 00:42:01,475 --> 00:42:02,519 The things breaks in half, 1601 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:03,607 right? 1602 00:42:03,608 --> 00:42:04,738 I turn around, my friend Mark is 1603 00:42:04,739 --> 00:42:06,523 gone. 1604 00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:09,134 Instantly gone. 1605 00:42:09,135 --> 00:42:09,831 Didn't see him again for 1606 00:42:09,832 --> 00:42:11,919 a month. 1607 00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:13,138 Didn't go home. 1608 00:42:13,139 --> 00:42:14,487 He was jacking off in a hollow 1609 00:42:14,488 --> 00:42:17,403 log for a month, right? 1610 00:42:17,404 --> 00:42:18,361 Having a gang bang with 1611 00:42:18,362 --> 00:42:19,840 Smurfette at Gargamel's castle 1612 00:42:19,841 --> 00:42:23,540 for a month. 1613 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:24,411 I remember I had these... I 1614 00:42:24,412 --> 00:42:25,672 remember I had these 15 pages of 1615 00:42:25,673 --> 00:42:26,673 a Penthouse magazine. 1616 00:42:26,674 --> 00:42:27,414 I remember I was flipping 1617 00:42:27,415 --> 00:42:28,545 through it, seeing things I'd 1618 00:42:28,546 --> 00:42:29,633 never seen before in my entire 1619 00:42:29,634 --> 00:42:31,548 life, right? 1620 00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:32,636 Maybe the pages were all stuck 1621 00:42:32,637 --> 00:42:38,163 together from the rain. 1622 00:42:38,164 --> 00:42:42,036 It was rain. 1623 00:42:42,037 --> 00:42:43,081 I couldn't believe it, man. 1624 00:42:43,082 --> 00:42:44,169 This... it was such an innocent 1625 00:42:44,170 --> 00:42:44,823 world though, right? 1626 00:42:44,824 --> 00:42:45,953 I was afraid to have this in my 1627 00:42:45,954 --> 00:42:46,651 possession. 1628 00:42:46,652 --> 00:42:47,738 This was the most contraband 1629 00:42:47,739 --> 00:42:48,782 thing I'd ever had in my life. 1630 00:42:48,783 --> 00:42:49,654 I would've been less nervous if 1631 00:42:49,654 --> 00:42:50,524 I'd found a kilo of coke, you 1632 00:42:50,524 --> 00:42:51,177 know? 1633 00:42:51,178 --> 00:42:52,178 I would've..."Hey, guys, look 1634 00:42:52,179 --> 00:42:53,526 what I found," you know? 1635 00:42:53,527 --> 00:42:54,223 I had it under my shirt. 1636 00:42:54,223 --> 00:42:55,050 I hadn't even left the woods 1637 00:42:55,051 --> 00:42:56,094 yet, you know? 1638 00:42:56,095 --> 00:42:57,182 The forest animals are looking 1639 00:42:57,183 --> 00:43:01,229 at me judgmentally. 1640 00:43:01,230 --> 00:43:01,927 Just had to get home. 1641 00:43:01,928 --> 00:43:02,970 Kids are playing road hockey on 1642 00:43:02,971 --> 00:43:03,711 the street..."Tommy!" 1643 00:43:03,712 --> 00:43:07,018 "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!" 1644 00:43:07,019 --> 00:43:07,672 Just had to get home. 1645 00:43:07,672 --> 00:43:08,368 I had to get down to 1646 00:43:08,368 --> 00:43:09,021 the basement. 1647 00:43:09,021 --> 00:43:09,761 Had to get down to the basement 1648 00:43:09,761 --> 00:43:10,457 behind the furnace. 1649 00:43:10,457 --> 00:43:11,153 Had to get down to the basement 1650 00:43:11,153 --> 00:43:11,806 behind the furnace. 1651 00:43:11,806 --> 00:43:12,590 Had to get down to the basement 1652 00:43:12,591 --> 00:43:13,633 behind the furnace. 1653 00:43:13,634 --> 00:43:14,330 We did not have a circular 1654 00:43:14,330 --> 00:43:14,983 staircase. 1655 00:43:14,984 --> 00:43:18,986 Staircase. I don't know why I'm doing this. 1656 00:43:18,987 --> 00:43:21,902 I don't know why I'm doing this. 1657 00:43:21,903 --> 00:43:22,774 It was just such an innocent 1658 00:43:22,774 --> 00:43:23,470 time. 1659 00:43:23,470 --> 00:43:24,384 You're down there behind 1660 00:43:24,385 --> 00:43:26,385 the furnace with the 15 1661 00:43:26,386 --> 00:43:28,039 tattered pages of a Penthouse 1662 00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:28,693 magazine. 1663 00:43:28,694 --> 00:43:29,694 You got the iron out. 1664 00:43:29,694 --> 00:43:30,651 You're ironing it like you're 1665 00:43:30,652 --> 00:43:31,869 restoring a painting, you know? 1666 00:43:31,870 --> 00:43:35,133 You're... 1667 00:43:35,134 --> 00:43:38,266 just gotta be... 1668 00:43:38,267 --> 00:43:40,660 just gotta be quiet. 1669 00:43:40,661 --> 00:43:43,489 Your parents are upstairs 1670 00:43:43,490 --> 00:43:46,623 creaking on the wood floors. 1671 00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:49,626 "Shh, shh. 1672 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:52,629 "Shh, shh. Gotta be quiet. 1673 00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:59,853 Gotta be quiet. 1674 00:43:59,854 --> 00:44:04,945 Shh, shh." 1675 00:44:04,946 --> 00:44:09,950 It's like you were in Das Boot. 1676 00:44:09,951 --> 00:44:11,256 It's a submarine movie... 1677 00:44:11,257 --> 00:44:11,910 Das Boot. 1678 00:44:11,911 --> 00:44:15,129 They do... 1679 00:44:15,130 --> 00:44:16,261 Das Boot was the German 1680 00:44:16,262 --> 00:44:17,305 submarine movie. 1681 00:44:17,306 --> 00:44:18,480 The Hunt for Red October was 1682 00:44:18,481 --> 00:44:20,308 the Russian submarine movie. 1683 00:44:20,309 --> 00:44:21,267 Uh, you can tell the difference 1684 00:44:21,268 --> 00:44:22,702 'cause I-in Das Boot, some of 1685 00:44:22,703 --> 00:44:24,008 them are wearing jeans. 1686 00:44:24,009 --> 00:44:28,099 Them are wearing jeans. Um... 1687 00:44:28,100 --> 00:44:30,101 Um... 1688 00:44:30,102 --> 00:44:33,191 Oh, you know, but... 1689 00:44:33,192 --> 00:44:34,671 I miss that. 1690 00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:35,368 I really do. 1691 00:44:35,369 --> 00:44:37,021 I miss that... that innocence, 1692 00:44:37,022 --> 00:44:38,370 right? 1693 00:44:38,371 --> 00:44:39,371 Seeing things like that for 1694 00:44:39,372 --> 00:44:41,547 the first time, you know? 1695 00:44:41,548 --> 00:44:42,940 Now you got 15-year-olds having 1696 00:44:42,941 --> 00:44:44,332 their first sexual experience 1697 00:44:44,333 --> 00:44:45,682 looking at two girls, one cup. 1698 00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:47,466 It's disgusting. 1699 00:44:47,467 --> 00:44:49,598 What is happening to us, right? 1700 00:44:49,599 --> 00:44:50,948 You know, people are addicted to 1701 00:44:50,949 --> 00:44:52,471 the porn. 1702 00:44:52,472 --> 00:44:53,690 You know, I kept that thing for 1703 00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:56,649 ten years, man. 1704 00:44:56,650 --> 00:45:00,218 I still have it actually, but... 1705 00:45:00,219 --> 00:45:01,523 Now you got people addicted to 1706 00:45:01,524 --> 00:45:02,177 pornography. 1707 00:45:02,177 --> 00:45:02,830 They can't. 1708 00:45:02,830 --> 00:45:03,701 They gotta watch more and more. 1709 00:45:03,701 --> 00:45:04,658 They can't, can't, can't get 1710 00:45:04,658 --> 00:45:05,528 enough of the stuff. 1711 00:45:05,529 --> 00:45:06,529 You know, "I like watching 1712 00:45:06,529 --> 00:45:07,313 threesomes." 1713 00:45:07,314 --> 00:45:08,617 "Oh, I like watching gang 1714 00:45:08,618 --> 00:45:09,358 bangs." 1715 00:45:09,359 --> 00:45:10,750 "Oh, I like watching MILF gang 1716 00:45:10,751 --> 00:45:11,795 bangs." 1717 00:45:11,796 --> 00:45:12,710 "Oh, I don't really get off 1718 00:45:12,711 --> 00:45:14,101 unless there's a triple homicide 1719 00:45:14,102 --> 00:45:15,973 involved myself, right? 1720 00:45:15,974 --> 00:45:18,323 Triplehomicidegangbangmilf.com, 1721 00:45:18,324 --> 00:45:22,283 $5.95 a month is my fetish." 1722 00:45:22,284 --> 00:45:23,415 The hell's wrong with us? 1723 00:45:23,416 --> 00:45:24,546 What the hell is wrong with us? 1724 00:45:24,547 --> 00:45:25,765 What's happening to us, right? 1725 00:45:25,766 --> 00:45:26,940 We're living in this world that 1726 00:45:26,941 --> 00:45:29,508 just rewards bad behavior. 1727 00:45:29,509 --> 00:45:31,858 We love watching people fail. 1728 00:45:31,859 --> 00:45:33,599 Seems today like celebrities... 1729 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:34,948 They gotta do more and more 1730 00:45:34,949 --> 00:45:36,210 outrageous things to stay 1731 00:45:36,211 --> 00:45:37,038 relevant, you know? 1732 00:45:37,039 --> 00:45:38,560 Get a DUI, get caught 1733 00:45:38,561 --> 00:45:40,214 shoplifting, hump a dead moose. 1734 00:45:40,215 --> 00:45:43,478 What's wrong with these people? 1735 00:45:43,479 --> 00:45:48,005 What the hell is wrong? 1736 00:45:48,006 --> 00:45:49,310 Used to be if you were 16 and 1737 00:45:49,311 --> 00:45:50,398 pregnant, you'd get in trouble. 1738 00:45:50,399 --> 00:45:54,098 Now you get a TV show. 1739 00:45:54,099 --> 00:45:55,056 Now you're from the Jersey 1740 00:45:55,057 --> 00:45:56,404 Shore, you're mildly retarded, 1741 00:45:56,405 --> 00:45:59,538 you're an instant millionaire. 1742 00:45:59,539 --> 00:46:00,669 You know, the thing is I started 1743 00:46:00,670 --> 00:46:01,584 out my little public access 1744 00:46:01,584 --> 00:46:02,237 show. 1745 00:46:02,237 --> 00:46:02,890 I was a kid. 1746 00:46:02,891 --> 00:46:04,630 I took television broadcasting 1747 00:46:04,631 --> 00:46:06,545 at Algonquin College named after 1748 00:46:06,546 --> 00:46:08,155 the Algonquin Indians, who were 1749 00:46:08,156 --> 00:46:12,856 also great broadcasters, okay? 1750 00:46:12,857 --> 00:46:14,031 Smoke signals, you know, 1751 00:46:14,032 --> 00:46:18,557 earliest form of broadcasting. 1752 00:46:18,558 --> 00:46:20,602 I, uh... I painted my parents' 1753 00:46:20,603 --> 00:46:21,865 house plaid and filmed their 1754 00:46:21,866 --> 00:46:25,869 reactions. 1755 00:46:25,870 --> 00:46:26,957 Early '90s. 1756 00:46:26,958 --> 00:46:28,262 We did the show... I did the show 1757 00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:29,568 for seven years before it got 1758 00:46:29,569 --> 00:46:30,917 picked up by MTV in Canada. 1759 00:46:30,918 --> 00:46:31,789 No one knew about it. 1760 00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:32,746 I was living in my parents' 1761 00:46:32,747 --> 00:46:33,877 basement just trying to figure 1762 00:46:33,878 --> 00:46:34,704 out what I was going to do with 1763 00:46:34,705 --> 00:46:36,096 my life, you know? 1764 00:46:36,097 --> 00:46:37,968 I... I painted lesbian pornography 1765 00:46:37,969 --> 00:46:40,013 on the hood of my parents' car. 1766 00:46:40,014 --> 00:46:41,667 Right? 1767 00:46:41,668 --> 00:46:45,845 The slut-mobile. 1768 00:46:45,846 --> 00:46:47,151 Dad came out. 1769 00:46:47,152 --> 00:46:48,369 There were sluts on his car. 1770 00:46:48,370 --> 00:46:50,284 He's like, "Jesus Christ." 1771 00:46:50,285 --> 00:46:51,764 Got a video camera in his face. 1772 00:46:51,765 --> 00:46:52,679 He couldn't take the slut-mobile 1773 00:46:52,679 --> 00:46:53,332 to work. 1774 00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:54,375 He had to take the bus to work, 1775 00:46:54,376 --> 00:46:55,029 right? 1776 00:46:55,030 --> 00:46:56,334 I followed him to the bus stop 1777 00:46:56,335 --> 00:46:57,726 in the slut-mobile with the video 1778 00:46:57,727 --> 00:46:58,511 camera. 1779 00:46:58,511 --> 00:46:59,468 All the neighbors are looking at 1780 00:46:59,469 --> 00:47:00,599 the sluts on his car. 1781 00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:01,992 You know, J... 1782 00:47:01,993 --> 00:47:04,211 We had a good time. 1783 00:47:04,212 --> 00:47:05,473 That's just amazing to me, you 1784 00:47:05,474 --> 00:47:06,518 know, I'm doing this little show 1785 00:47:06,519 --> 00:47:07,998 on public access TV. 1786 00:47:07,999 --> 00:47:09,434 And MTV picked it up, and it 1787 00:47:09,435 --> 00:47:10,349 changed my life. 1788 00:47:10,350 --> 00:47:12,132 And I really gotta thank MTV for 1789 00:47:12,133 --> 00:47:13,177 that, 'cause if they hadn't 1790 00:47:13,178 --> 00:47:14,961 picked up that little show, I'm 1791 00:47:14,962 --> 00:47:15,920 sure a lot of y'all wouldn't 1792 00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:16,834 have seen it, and I wouldn't 1793 00:47:16,835 --> 00:47:18,399 have the privilege of being here 1794 00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:19,705 and performing for you in Boston 1795 00:47:19,706 --> 00:47:24,884 tonight, so... 1796 00:47:27,453 --> 00:47:28,540 Daddy, would you like some 1797 00:47:28,541 --> 00:47:29,584 sausage? 1798 00:47:29,585 --> 00:47:30,585 Daddy, would you like some 1799 00:47:30,586 --> 00:47:31,630 sausage? 1800 00:47:31,631 --> 00:47:32,588 Daddy, would you like some 1801 00:47:32,589 --> 00:47:35,982 sausage? 1802 00:47:35,983 --> 00:47:36,897 That's from my movie 1803 00:47:36,898 --> 00:47:38,463 Freddy Got Fingered. 1804 00:47:42,772 --> 00:47:44,556 Freddy Got Fingered... 1805 00:47:44,557 --> 00:47:46,863 The most critically reviled film 1806 00:47:46,864 --> 00:47:48,821 in the history of cinema. 1807 00:47:48,822 --> 00:47:49,692 But you cheer. 1808 00:47:49,693 --> 00:47:51,084 You cheer when I say, "Daddy, 1809 00:47:51,085 --> 00:47:52,694 would you like some sausage?" 1810 00:47:52,695 --> 00:47:54,000 That makes a lot of sense, 1811 00:47:54,001 --> 00:47:56,176 right? 1812 00:47:56,177 --> 00:47:57,438 Thank you. 1813 00:47:57,439 --> 00:47:58,483 Yeah, I'm thinking of doing 1814 00:47:58,484 --> 00:48:01,007 a sequel actually for... 1815 00:48:01,008 --> 00:48:03,749 Yeah. 1816 00:48:03,750 --> 00:48:07,274 Freddy Got Fisted. 1817 00:48:07,275 --> 00:48:08,059 I'm the backwards man, 1818 00:48:08,059 --> 00:48:09,016 the backwards man. 1819 00:48:09,016 --> 00:48:09,887 Backwards man, the backwards 1820 00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:10,583 man. 1821 00:48:10,583 --> 00:48:11,366 I can walk backwards fast as you 1822 00:48:11,366 --> 00:48:12,019 can. 1823 00:48:12,020 --> 00:48:13,106 I can walk backwards fast as you 1824 00:48:13,107 --> 00:48:15,456 can. 1825 00:48:15,457 --> 00:48:16,805 I moved to Los Angeles. 1826 00:48:16,806 --> 00:48:17,894 I got the opportunity to make 1827 00:48:17,895 --> 00:48:18,591 a movie. 1828 00:48:18,592 --> 00:48:19,678 I'm like, "Uh, what am I going 1829 00:48:19,679 --> 00:48:20,332 to do here? 1830 00:48:20,333 --> 00:48:21,333 Look at me! 1831 00:48:21,334 --> 00:48:25,031 I'm wearing my cheese helmet!" 1832 00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:26,424 What the fuck was I thinking, 1833 00:48:26,425 --> 00:48:29,862 man? 1834 00:48:29,863 --> 00:48:31,168 The fuck was I thinking? 1835 00:48:31,169 --> 00:48:32,996 "Listen to my hooves. 1836 00:48:32,997 --> 00:48:35,346 Listen to my hooves. 1837 00:48:35,347 --> 00:48:37,478 Listen to them cloppety-clop. 1838 00:48:37,479 --> 00:48:40,525 Listen to them cloppety-clop." 1839 00:48:40,526 --> 00:48:46,096 What the fuck was I thinking? 1840 00:48:46,097 --> 00:48:47,488 "My bum is on the cheese. 1841 00:48:47,489 --> 00:48:51,449 My bum is on the cheese. 1842 00:48:51,450 --> 00:48:52,798 If I get lucky, I'll get 1843 00:48:52,799 --> 00:48:56,715 a disease." 1844 00:48:56,716 --> 00:48:57,803 It's like, two weeks after I 1845 00:48:57,804 --> 00:48:58,804 wrote that song, I got 1846 00:48:58,805 --> 00:49:01,807 wrote that song, I got testicular cancer. 1847 00:49:01,808 --> 00:49:10,729 Testicular cancer. 1848 00:49:10,730 --> 00:49:12,035 I know, maybe not the right time 1849 00:49:12,036 --> 00:49:13,036 to bring it up, you know, but, 1850 00:49:13,037 --> 00:49:15,734 uh, I bring it up because I did 1851 00:49:15,735 --> 00:49:17,388 a documentary for MTV about my 1852 00:49:17,389 --> 00:49:18,389 battle with cancer. 1853 00:49:18,390 --> 00:49:19,738 And of lot of people saw it, so 1854 00:49:19,739 --> 00:49:21,392 n... 1855 00:49:21,393 --> 00:49:25,526 Yeah. 1856 00:49:25,527 --> 00:49:26,701 So now whenever I enter a room 1857 00:49:26,702 --> 00:49:27,876 like this, everybody looks at me 1858 00:49:27,877 --> 00:49:28,704 and says, "There's 1859 00:49:28,705 --> 00:49:32,403 and says, "There's the uniballer." 1860 00:49:32,404 --> 00:49:38,713 The uniballer." 1861 00:49:38,714 --> 00:49:39,845 Sometimes I think about my 1862 00:49:39,846 --> 00:49:42,848 battle with cancer, and I think 1863 00:49:42,849 --> 00:49:43,806 I wouldn't trade it for 1864 00:49:43,807 --> 00:49:46,808 I wouldn't trade it for anything. 1865 00:49:46,809 --> 00:49:51,770 Anything. 1866 00:49:51,771 --> 00:49:53,032 Then I think, "No, I'd trade it 1867 00:49:53,033 --> 00:49:56,035 Then I think, "No, I'd trade it for my right testicle." 1868 00:49:56,036 --> 00:50:03,347 For my right testicle." 1869 00:50:03,348 --> 00:50:05,349 Wouldn't mind getting that back. 1870 00:50:07,526 --> 00:50:08,613 The doctor asked me if I wanted 1871 00:50:08,614 --> 00:50:09,962 to get one of those fake balls. 1872 00:50:09,963 --> 00:50:10,746 I'm like, "That's so cliche, 1873 00:50:10,746 --> 00:50:11,399 man. 1874 00:50:11,399 --> 00:50:12,226 Everyone's getting these fake 1875 00:50:12,227 --> 00:50:15,315 nuts these days." 1876 00:50:15,316 --> 00:50:16,187 I do want to tell you guys 1877 00:50:16,188 --> 00:50:19,885 something about my ball. 1878 00:50:19,886 --> 00:50:21,843 It hangs directly in the middle. 1879 00:50:21,844 --> 00:50:24,846 It hangs directly in the middle. Mrohh. 1880 00:50:24,847 --> 00:50:28,850 Mrohh. 1881 00:50:28,851 --> 00:50:30,200 Tickles when you touch it. 1882 00:50:30,201 --> 00:50:35,857 Mrahh. 1883 00:50:35,858 --> 00:50:39,426 And it can still ejaculate! 1884 00:50:39,427 --> 00:50:40,819 Come on, Boston. 1885 00:50:40,820 --> 00:50:42,342 Come on, Boston! 1886 00:50:42,343 --> 00:50:47,608 I... can... still... ejaculate! 1887 00:50:47,609 --> 00:50:50,176 I can still ejaculate. 1888 00:50:50,177 --> 00:50:53,005 I can still ejaculate! 1889 00:50:53,006 --> 00:50:57,096 Just a little. 1890 00:50:57,097 --> 00:50:59,098 I froze my sperm in a cryogenic 1891 00:50:59,099 --> 00:51:00,317 facility as backup. 1892 00:51:00,318 --> 00:51:01,361 I'm like the Walt Disney of 1893 00:51:01,362 --> 00:51:02,971 jizz, okay? 1894 00:51:02,972 --> 00:51:04,451 My friends call me Walt Jizzney. 1895 00:51:04,452 --> 00:51:07,063 I, uh... I figured out the cause 1896 00:51:07,064 --> 00:51:08,412 of testicular cancer. 1897 00:51:08,413 --> 00:51:09,153 You won't read this in 1898 00:51:09,153 --> 00:51:10,067 the medical books. 1899 00:51:10,068 --> 00:51:11,328 The doctors won't tell you this. 1900 00:51:11,329 --> 00:51:12,112 This is based on my own 1901 00:51:12,112 --> 00:51:12,808 research. 1902 00:51:12,809 --> 00:51:14,548 The cause of testicular cancer 1903 00:51:14,549 --> 00:51:15,593 is masturbation. 1904 00:51:15,594 --> 00:51:18,335 Start panicking now, guys. 1905 00:51:18,336 --> 00:51:19,684 It's definitely masturbation. 1906 00:51:19,685 --> 00:51:20,815 As a teenager, I was a "much 1907 00:51:20,816 --> 00:51:21,860 higher than average frequency" 1908 00:51:21,861 --> 00:51:23,166 "jacker offer," okay? 1909 00:51:23,167 --> 00:51:24,167 It's one of the few things I 1910 00:51:24,168 --> 00:51:25,516 excelled at, you know? 1911 00:51:25,517 --> 00:51:26,647 There's so much DNA in 1912 00:51:26,648 --> 00:51:27,562 the basement where I grew up, 1913 00:51:27,563 --> 00:51:29,085 you could clone me. 1914 00:51:29,086 --> 00:51:30,869 My... my dad would come down to 1915 00:51:30,870 --> 00:51:31,740 wake me up in the morning. 1916 00:51:31,741 --> 00:51:34,438 He'd be wearing a hazmat suit. 1917 00:51:34,439 --> 00:51:35,179 It's like... you know how you 1918 00:51:35,180 --> 00:51:36,180 remember where you were and what 1919 00:51:36,181 --> 00:51:37,310 you were doing when major events 1920 00:51:37,311 --> 00:51:38,311 happened in the world, like when 1921 00:51:38,312 --> 00:51:39,183 Reagan got shot? 1922 00:51:39,183 --> 00:51:40,097 I remember what I was doing. 1923 00:51:40,098 --> 00:51:43,273 I was jacking off, right? 1924 00:51:43,274 --> 00:51:44,188 You guys have been awesome 1925 00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:45,102 tonight, and I just wanted to 1926 00:51:45,103 --> 00:51:48,408 say thank you, thank you, thank 1927 00:51:48,409 --> 00:51:50,497 you. 1928 00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:52,804 Thank you. 1929 00:51:52,805 --> 00:51:58,810 Thank you. 1930 00:52:00,900 --> 00:52:02,509 I couldn't be prouder to film my 1931 00:52:02,510 --> 00:52:03,858 first comedy special in your 1932 00:52:03,859 --> 00:52:04,946 beautiful town. 1933 00:52:04,947 --> 00:52:10,126 And, uh, you know... 1934 00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:11,127 You know, and I will say, 1935 00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:12,737 sincerely, you know, ten years 1936 00:52:12,738 --> 00:52:14,217 ago, the doctor... he looked at 1937 00:52:14,218 --> 00:52:15,827 me, and he said, "Tom, you've 1938 00:52:15,828 --> 00:52:17,524 got testicular cancer. 1939 00:52:17,525 --> 00:52:19,135 But don't worry about it. 1940 00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:20,527 There's a 90% chance you're 1941 00:52:20,528 --> 00:52:22,138 going to live." 1942 00:52:22,139 --> 00:52:23,617 And I looked at the doctor, and 1943 00:52:23,618 --> 00:52:26,664 I said, "I'm fucking dead," 1944 00:52:26,665 --> 00:52:27,318 right? 1945 00:52:27,319 --> 00:52:29,275 And I meant it, right? 1946 00:52:29,276 --> 00:52:30,363 And I did something I'd never 1947 00:52:30,364 --> 00:52:32,148 done before in my entire life. 1948 00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:34,193 I found myself praying to God 1949 00:52:34,194 --> 00:52:37,414 for real, like he's a real guy 1950 00:52:37,415 --> 00:52:39,155 who is listening to me. 1951 00:52:39,156 --> 00:52:40,069 And he's going to do what I'm 1952 00:52:40,070 --> 00:52:42,158 asking him to do, which is allow 1953 00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:42,855 me to live. 1954 00:52:42,856 --> 00:52:44,638 And I'm alive, and I'll tell 1955 00:52:44,639 --> 00:52:45,423 you, after you go through 1956 00:52:45,424 --> 00:52:46,640 something like that... after you 1957 00:52:46,641 --> 00:52:48,947 beat cancer, it makes sweet 1958 00:52:48,948 --> 00:52:50,340 nights like tonight in Boston 1959 00:52:50,341 --> 00:52:52,516 that much sweeter, okay? 1960 00:52:52,517 --> 00:52:55,127 So stay positive. 1961 00:52:55,128 --> 00:52:59,958 Enjoy every second, man, 'cause 1962 00:52:59,959 --> 00:53:01,916 I'm alive, and we're all alive. 1963 00:53:01,917 --> 00:53:03,266 We're the people in Boston that 1964 00:53:03,267 --> 00:53:04,789 are still alive, so let's 1965 00:53:04,790 --> 00:53:07,270 fucking party tonight, man. 1966 00:53:07,271 --> 00:53:08,228 Good night, everybody. 1967 00:53:08,228 --> 00:53:08,968 You've been awesome. 1968 00:53:08,968 --> 00:53:09,664 Thank you very much. 1969 00:53:09,664 --> 00:53:10,317 I love you. 1970 00:53:10,318 --> 00:53:16,279 I love you. 1971 00:53:43,241 --> 00:53:44,221 ♪ What you gonna do ♪ 1972 00:53:44,221 --> 00:53:45,091 ♪ When you're sittin' ♪ 1973 00:53:45,091 --> 00:53:45,961 ♪ All alone ♪ 1974 00:53:45,962 --> 00:53:47,266 ♪ In your empty-ass home ♪ 1975 00:53:47,267 --> 00:53:48,225 ♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪ 1976 00:53:48,226 --> 00:53:50,574 ♪ Sawed-off? ♪ 1977 00:53:50,575 --> 00:53:52,358 ♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪ 1978 00:53:52,359 --> 00:53:53,838 ♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪ 1979 00:53:53,839 --> 00:53:54,926 ♪ Off the rock ship ♪ 1980 00:53:54,927 --> 00:53:55,927 ♪ What you gonna do ♪ 1981 00:53:55,928 --> 00:53:56,755 ♪ When you're sittin' ♪ 1982 00:53:56,755 --> 00:53:57,495 ♪ All alone ♪ 1983 00:53:57,496 --> 00:53:58,930 ♪ In your empty-ass home ♪ 1984 00:53:58,931 --> 00:54:00,018 ♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪ 1985 00:54:00,019 --> 00:54:02,238 ♪ Sawed-off? ♪ 1986 00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:05,241 ♪ Sawed-off? Pop off the rock ship ♪ 1987 00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:11,029 ♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪ 1988 00:54:11,030 --> 00:54:12,857 ♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪ 1989 00:54:12,858 --> 00:54:14,293 ♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪ 1990 00:54:14,294 --> 00:54:17,296 ♪ Pop, pop, p-pop off the rock ship ♪ 1991 00:54:17,297 --> 00:54:22,736 ♪ Off the rock ship ♪ 1992 00:54:22,737 --> 00:54:24,608 ♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪ 1993 00:54:24,609 --> 00:54:26,044 ♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪ 118444

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