Original subtitles

WOMAN: Come on, buddy, be careful.

Watch out for that glass.

Mmm.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Huh, buddy?

Doesn't it seem like everybody's getting stupider and stupider?

Why did they have to be breaking somebody's window?

Huh, buddy?

Are you listening to me?

I know what you're thinking about.

You just want to eat.

Let's go now 'cause I gotta get to work.

You hold onto that ball.

What do you think you're going to have for breakfast

this morning, huh?

Bacon and eggs?

[LAUGHS]

You wish.

MAN: What are you?

A cat?

Or a rabbit?

WOMAN: Kitty cat.

No. You're a rabbit.

A fuzzy-headed little rabbit.

You've got a hard-on.

No, I don't.

You do, too.

Mary, don't you think I'd know it

if I had a hard-on?

Then what's this?

That's the carrot I keep

to feed the little rabbit with.

Come on, Joe, stop.

I don't have time.

We'll do it tonight, OK?

OK, if that's what you want,

I'll stop.

Oh, all right.

Quick, get a rubber, carrot boy.

Let's just do it without.

No. Come on,

I don't want to get pregnant.

No!

All right, all right, calm down.

I'll get it. Just a second.

WOMAN: Help!

Help!

Somebody help me, please!

Help!

Help!

That man stole my dog!

Joe, call the police.

What's the matter?

Oh, my god!

Someone just stole this woman's dog.

Call the police.

WOMAN: Help!

Shit.

MARY: Oh, god, I see him.

[DOG BARKS]

MARY: I see you, you prick!

We're calling the police, ma'am.

He stole my dog!

Buddy!

Buddy!

Hey.

Hey, where are you going?

[ENGLISH ACCENT] Sorry, babe.

Gotta split.

Well, don't you want some breakfast?

No, no time for that.

What's with this lock?

You turn it to the left.

To the left.

[LOCK TURNS]

Am I gonna see you again?

Oh, sure, of course, babe.

I'll give you a call sometime.

Take it easy, eh?

Do you like rollerblading?

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

Shit.

Joe.

Is this blouse too revealing?

Look at this.

Here's Joe Schmo, talented new actor,

and here's miss Quim, talented new actress.

Joe.

He's standing on the street in an overcoat,

and she's lying on the floor in her underwear

with her boobs hanging out.

So? What do you mean, "so"?

Here it is,

25 years after women's liberation,

and women are still being reduced

to selling themselves as sex objects.

Maybe she doesn't feel reduced.

Maybe she feels proud of her sexuality.

Well, maybe he's proud of his sexuality.

Why isn't he crawling across the floor

with his balls hanging out?

And what do boobs have to do with acting?

Nothing.

I'm gonna write a book about this.

You're not working today?

Yes, I'm working.

I'm working a lunch,

and then I have that audition

with the casting director at 3:00.

Right. Oh, good luck, hon.

Thank you.

Listen, I still need a check for the rent.

What? Again?

Yeah, it kind of works that way.

You know, once a month.

Remember, we have dinner with Raina and Alex tonight,

and I think they're bringing the baby.

All right. I'll meet you after the audition.

Good luck, honey.

Bye.

There you are, Mr. Bob.

Clean and pressed. Very nice.

Yeah. It's a piece of shit, Chang.

Oh, no. It's a very nice tuxedo.

It's a piece of shit.

And I'll tell you something.

The next time I come in here,

I'll give it to you.

Oh, no.

Mr. Bob, keep your tuxedo.

No, it's yours.

Little souvenir from me to you.

You know what that means, "souvenir"?

Yes.

I think it means you are full of shit.

Keep going to night school.

Looking good today, sugar tits.

[LAUGHS]

Hello, miss Taylor.

It's Dee Dee, isn't it?

It's really great to meet you.

Thank you for seeing me.

But how could you miss me?

I'm standing right in front of you.

What I'm gonna do for you today, miss Taylor,

is one of hap's speeches

from Arthur Miller's death of a salesman.

You know, biff…

Sometimes I want to just rip my clothes off

in the middle of that store

and outbox that goddamn merchandise manager.

I mean, I can outbox,

outrun, and outlift anybody in that store,

and I have to take orders

from those common, petty sons of bitches

till I can't stand it anymore.

You see…

Everybody around me is so false.

I'm constantly lowering my ideals.

Hello, miss Taylor.

It's Dee Dee, isn't it?

[LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN: Where are the biker boys?

All right, biker boys,

show me those abs.

OK, flex, flex, flex, flex.

That's what we want.

Beautiful, tight, chunky abs.

Yes. All right.

Oil the abs.

I want a boa constrictor or a python.

Morning, ladies. 10 minutes.

Morning.

Let's go!

I don't know, Mary.

I'm sort of giving up on the whole human race.

Why, honey?

What's the matter?

Everybody is so superficial.

I am sick of it.

I am sick of all this superficial bullshit.

I'm a very spiritual person.

Are you really?

Oh, very spiritual.

Have you seen the little mermaid?

The cartoon?

Oh, it's not just a cartoon, Mary.

If you look just a little closer,

you will find a spiritual message

in every single one of Walt Disney's films.

Could we please change this fucking music?!

Oh, sure, baby.

What do you want to hear?

Hole?

Snoopy dog dog?

Anything, OK?

Christ. Douche would be better than this shit.

Is douche good?

I'm not gonna be able to work with this depressing shit on.

It's 10:00, and I'm already depressed.

I look depressed, don't I?

No, no.

You look beautiful.

[MAKES KISSING SOUNDS]

Hey, little baby. Come here, sweetheart.

Hey, what the hell's the matter with you?

What?

Don't "what?" Me. You know what I'm talking about.

What if that was your granddaughter, huh?

You old fucking scumbag.

OLD MAN: Just leave me alone.

Jesus.

Excuse me.

Do I know you?

No, I don't think so.

The way you smiled at me,

I feel like I've known you my whole life.

That's so sweet.

Are you in a relationship?

Yes, I am.

You don't sound very happy about it.

Well, I love my girlfriend very much.

It's just that I don't think that she understands me

in a real emotional or sexual way.

Yeah.

I sense that in you.

You know, this is going to sound really crazy,

but I feel like I've known you

my whole life, too.

Really?

Yeah.

And I'd like to give you a blow job right now.

Right now?

Do you mind?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

You didn't go in?

No, I didn't go in.

I'm in a relationship.

I can't go sniffing every bird that flies by.

She was a real blonde?

Kind of hard to tell from the street, Bob.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I met this model last night.

I thought she was blond,

till we got back to her place,

turned out she was fake.

Straight out of a bottle.

It's too bad.

She was sweet, too.

What? You're not gonna see her again

just because she dyes her hair?

[WHISTLES] Let's go.

All right, lads, look sharp, come on.

All right, gentlemen, front and center.

Everyone pay attention.

You will divide into eight 2-man squads.

The first man in pours the red wine.

The second man in serves the finger food,

and it is called finger food

precisely because it is to be eaten with the fingers.

No utensils.

Any questions?

Ernst, I have a question.

Are you wearing a girdle?

Because your ass looks incredible in those pants.

No, I am not wearing a girdle, but you can be assured

that if I catch any of you faggots looking at my ass,

I'll fire the whole fucking lot of you.

Hey, Ernst.

We're not all gay here, you know?

That, my dear straight friend, is your problem.

To your stations.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

That, my friend, is your problem.

What is your name?

Joe, Joe Finnegan.

Who hired you? Did I hire you?

Yes, you did. I was recommended by Bob.

Don't ever let the neck of a bottle

touch the rim of the glass.

And smile, for god's sake.

You look like you're at a fucking funeral.

It's an extreme pleasure to have you here with us.

Oh, my balls are killing me.

Why?

That model I was with last night.

She was like an animal.

19. One of those tight little asses

you just want to take a bite right out of.

Jesus.

Where did you meet her?

This bar,

TNA.

I'll take you down there.

All the chicks there

are these gorgeous high-class models,

even the waitresses.

If they're such high-class models,

what are they doing waitressing?

Hey, you're doing it.

So are you.

Not for much longer, pal.

Guess who just got a part on a soap.

Get out of here.

Passion crest.

Recurring character.

Dirk Drake.

I wouldn't do a soap. It's not even acting.

$3,600 a week?

Act that,

you sorry, broke-ass fucking waiter.

BLAIR: Feel the jeans there, come on.

Feel those jeans, yeah.

Feel it, come on.

Go for it. You know where it is. Let's go.

You're not with me, Sahara.

Come on, Sahara.

Kill the fan.

Sahara.

You know that I love you?

Yes.

And you know that you're my favorite?

Oh, yes.

That's why I want you to go deeper for me.

I want the pure essence of your sexuality.

I thought that's what I was doing.

You are,

but this woman, she's fearless.

Just like you.

She's bold.

She can do something a little kinky,

maybe a little dirty sexually,

and be absolutely fine with it.

Understand?

I think so.

Good, good.

Maybe you should just shoot her

getting fucked by a poodle.

What?

Why a poodle?

I've always wanted a Jack Russell.

BOB: You ever feel like fooling around?

JOE: Sure. Sometimes I get the urge, you know,

just like everyone else.

Basically I'd say that Mary and I are pretty happy.

That's good.

Yeah, you know,

the sex is good.

It could be a little better.

Sometimes I wish Mary was a little bit more…

What?

I wish sometimes that she'd just…

Go a little bit wild like you said that model did.

Go crazy on me.

See, I need that, Bob.

Come on, man.

Look on the bright side.

You got stability, right?

Some people need that.

All right, I'm heading this way.

Hey, when do you start the soap?

Tomorrow morning, my friend.

I guess I won't be seeing you.

No, hey, come on.

We'll get together.

I'll give you a call sometime.

Dirk Drake, huh?

Passion crest!

$3,600 a week!

And what is wrong with people, you know?

Every day it seems like everybody

is just getting stupider and stupider.

You seem rather agitated today, Mary.

I am agitated, I am.

You know, every morning I pass this guy on the street,

and he always makes some disgusting comment to me.

Why don't you take a different route?

Because I don't want to take a different route.

Why should I let that scumbag dictate how I live my life?

What I feel like doing is taking him by the hair

and smashing his face right into the sidewalk.

Perhaps we could find a more productive outlet

for your anger.

Another female patient of mine

is taking a self-defense class

that is quite unique.

I don't need self-defense.

Hear me out, Mary.

OK.

The instructor has apparently devised

a series of exercises

designed to help women cope

with the more ordinary rudenesses

they encounter on a day-to-day basis.

I'm going to get

his telephone number for you,

and you call him when you feel like it.

A physical activity like this

might alleviate some of that hostility

you have for men.

Am I hostile towards men?

We'll talk about that next week.

Oh, OK.

And might I add that blouse you are wearing

is especially becoming.

Thank you, Dr. Leuter.

You know, biff…

Sometimes I want to just rip my clothes off

in the middle of that store and outbox

that goddamn sales merchandise manager.

I mean…

Aah!

I'm sorry. I forgot my line.

Oh, that's all right.

Really, really it is.

Joe.

We have a little problem with your credits here.

There's no TV,

no commercials, no soaps.

I'm not that interested in doing soap operas.

Really?

Why is that?

It's not even acting, is it?

I mean, not the kind of acting that I want to do.

It's fake, it's stupid.

Well, it's clear that you and I

have absolutely nothing to talk about.

Good-bye.

Excuse me, miss Taylor,

what did I say?

Oh, Christ.

What every other no-name, no-credit actor says

when he comes through that door.

I mean, who the hell do you think you are?

Tom Cruise?

Well, you're not, and believe me,

you're stupid if you think

that I would hire any actor

who wasn't damn willing to work.

You misunderstood. I'm…

This is a business.

If you don't understand that,

then you don't belong in it.

Go away.

You're right, miss Taylor, this is a business.

I understand that.

I'm beginning to understand that.

I didn't mean that I wouldn't work on a soap.

If there was something that you thought I could do,

of course I would do it.

Really, I would love to work on a soap.

How old are you?

35.

35.

No credits.

No agent.

All right, let's get real, Joe.

Have you got a bathing suit?

I could get one.

Good.

There's a Madonna video coming up.

Kind of a beach theme.

You might be right for it.

Unless, of course,

you don't do music videos.

Of course I do.

That would be great, miss Taylor…

Or is it Dee Dee?

Thanks, Joe.

I'll be in touch.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Hey, guys, come on back and see Chavonne,

New York's hottest blonde.

She's a college girl majoring in sexy, sexy, sexy.

That's right, you there in the overcoat,

this college chick,

is she a real blonde?

Oh, yeah. Beautiful.

Sexy, sexy chick, man.

Like Madonna, but blond.

Very blond.

All right. I'll take a buck's worth.

WOMAN ON P.A.: Here he comes.

He knows the real thing.

How about you other guys, huh?

Don't you want to see Chavonne?

New York's hottest blonde.

Ohh.

Thank you.

I love this little puppy.

I love her, I love her,

we love her, too, don't we, Cassiopeia?

Hey, there, little Cassie.

Oh, we don't call her Cassie, Joe.

We have a strict rule.

Her whole name or no name at all.

I'm sorry. That's a good rule.

It's so great to see you guys.

It's been too long.

We've been absolutely crazed

since Alex's show.

Absolutely crazed.

I'm in 3 galleries now.

The paintings are selling so fast,

I don't even have time to stretch a canvas.

If you need a job, Joe,

I could put you to work tomorrow.

Oh, thanks. I got a job.

I don't think we've seen you since Il Piano.

Oh, my god, I loved that movie.

Wasn't that a great movie?

A great, great flick.

One of the best, really.

That movie was a piece of shit.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

Come on, it was nothing

but a glorified romance novel.

Spirited sensuous young woman

leaves her uptight husband

for the man of her dreams:

A masculine but sensitive native

with earrings and tattoos.

I'm sorry, Joe,

but I think you completely missed

what this film was about.

Oh. What was it about?

Well, it was about a lot of things.

It was about courage, freedom.

It was about unrestricted, unconditional primal love.

Yeah, you're way off on this, man.

I'm just curious.

Has anyone seen the little mermaid?

Besides, it was only on every top 10 list in the country.

So, what?

What are those two gonna do

for the rest of their lives?

Stand around and stare at each other

all loving and unconditional?

Do you think that they'll ever have

a real argument

the way that real people do?

Do you think that she would ever say to him,

"hey, Kimba, you know I really love

"your masculine sensitivity,

but do you think that just once

you could remember to lift the toilet seat

before you take a piss?

I completely agree with you.

My boyfriend loved that move so much, I broke up with him.

Which movie? Il piano.

Yeah. What the hell was that movie all about?

OLD WOMAN: I liked it.

MAN: You liked Harvey Keitel's ass.

No, that's utterly untrue.

But what else was there to like about it?

What are they talking about?

Il piano.

Great photography.

That little girl bugged me.

If I had a daughter like that,

I'd kick her fucking ass.

You ask me something.

You don't wait for me to answer.

As it should be.

Who the hell wants to see a man nude?

I thought it was incredible.

I cried through most of it.

You did cry, and I was proud of you.

[EVERYONE ARGUING]

You went on and on and on about it.

It was a little embarrassing.

I just didn't feel like listening to him blab

about his paintings all night.

Did you hear that little dig about a job?

What dig?

That I could come work for him

stretching canvases.

What do I look like, a fucking handyman?

Joe, why are you so angry?

Did your audition go badly?

Is that it?

No. Actually, it went great.

I really nailed the monologue.

And afterward, she looked at my resume

and said, "you don't have any soaps on here,"

and I said, "I know I don't. You want to know why?

Because I don't consider that acting."

You said that?

Yup, and you know what?

She may have something for me already.

What? A Madonna video.

Joe, that's fantastic.

I mean, that could lead to something,

and it's money, right?

That's right, Mary.

That's what I'm learning. It's a business.

It's all a business.

Guess what. I might take a self-defense class.

Why?

Well, Dr. Leuter said

it might help me deal with my hostility.

Your what?

Uh, the assholes on the street.

Oh, well, that's great.

So that's what you guys talk about in there?

That and other things.

Why?

Just curious.

Bob got a job on a soap.

He's not doing the catering anymore.

He told me he met this blond model.

They went back to her place and had kinky sex all night.

Is that what you'd like?

Kinky sex with a blond model?

She wouldn't necessarily have to be a model.

What? I'm not kinky enough for you?

I never said that.

You implied it.

I did not.

I was simply telling you about what happened to Bob.

Of course, you're kinky.

You're very kinky, OK?

Just that we both know that sometimes I have to…

What?

Well, you know.

No.

Initiate things.

You do not. What about this morning?

Well, actually, if you recall,

I suggested that we make love,

and your first response was "no."

I thought we had a pretty healthy sex life,

and now you're telling me you're bored with me.

Can we just hold on a second?

The only thing that I'm suggesting

is that perhaps we could be a little bit more spontaneous.

How?

Well, for one thing, by not having to wear a rubber

all the time.

I'm sorry, Joe.

I don't want to get pregnant.

It just seems a little bit odd to me

that for somebody who's so against getting pregnant,

you seem to be infatuated with babies.

Christ, you were all over that little tapioca.

Cassiopeia, and so what?

I like babies.

I just don't want to have one of my own.

That's great.

Why? Do you you want to have a baby?

No.

I'm not gonna have a kid until we can afford it.

What does money have to do with it?

You don't have any.

Other people have kids. How do they do it?

Either they hire somebody,

or one of them stays home

and takes care of the baby.

Are you gonna do it?

If you think I'm gonna give up my career,

you're crazy.

What are we talking about this for?

You brought it up.

No, I didn't.

I was talking about something completely different.

Well, what were you talking about?

Let's just drop it, OK?

And now you're all pissed off.

What makes you say that?

Do you know that I never thought I'd see you again?

I told you I'd call you, didn't I?

Yes, but I thought maybe you didn't like me.

Hey, what's not to like?

Do you like my eyes?

Mm-hmm.

Do you like my body?

Oh, yeah.

Do you like my hair?

Do you?

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Come on, what's the matter?

Excuse me.

Bob, come on, wait.

What's wrong?

God damn it, I said nothing was wrong.

There's a message. Did you hear this?

No. It's probably for you.

[BEEP]

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi. This is Madonna.

It's Wednesday about 2:55.

Sorry for calling so late.

I'm trying to reach Joe Finnegan.

Joe, can you please call me immediately

at 555…

Jesus fucking Christ.

Do you really think it's her?

Of course it's her. Who else would it be?

She's probably calling about the video.

ANSWERING MACHINE: …555-0270.

You know, Joe, Madonna is an international superstar.

I mean, I seriously doubt she's gonna call you at home.

At the very least, she'd have her assistant call, right?

Mary, I've heard she gets personally involved

in all of her projects.

She probably saw my picture on the wall and said, "hey!

Maybe I'll feature Joe Finnegan in my video."

All right. All right, well, call her.

Well, it's only 9:00.

She's probably still sleeping.

Oh. OK.

I'm going, then.

Hey, call me if you reach her.

Oh, I will.

Bye. Bye.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

Hey, baby, come sit on my face.

Oh, grow up, you stupid asshole.

Get angry, baby, I like it!

It makes my dick hard!

See? Heh heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh heh.

[ZAPPING NOISE]

Aah!

Why do you say that shit, huh?

Why?!

God, stop! Stop, please!

No, I'm not gonna fucking stop

until you tell me why you say it?

Do you think you're gonna meet women this way?

You think some woman is gonna turn around and say,

"hey, there's a fucking guy I'd like to go out with"?

No! No, I'm just a coward.

A miserable, fucking coward.

Uhh!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Oh, shit!

Heh heh heh heh.

Dirk, I'm so happy, I could cry.

Don't even think of it, Deanna.

I wish I could tell mother about the wedding.

We will…

As soon as she's out of the coma.

But, dirk, that could take forever.

Until then.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

What's next, cis?

Page 35, living room.

Garth finds out Sandy is his sister.

20 minutes to set up.

OK. Let's hear it for Bob! Whoo!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Enter.

Hey, Bob.

Whoa. Great fucking abs, man.

Thanks, Roy.

We should work out together sometime.

Yeah, we should.

Hey, did you see the ratings are up 3 points?

Saw that.

Yeah, yeah. Keep that up, homes. Yeah.

Hey, did you sign those contracts yet?

Any day, Roy.

Fucking Valentino, man.

"Bring me no more reports.

"Let them fly all,

"till Birnam wood remove to Dunsinane.

What's the boy, Malcolm?"

You decent?

Yes.

Too bad.

Ah, Deanna,

I see your innocence is merely a part you play.

Ha. You're a good actor, Bob.

Thanks. Thank you.

And so are you.

I know I am.

You know, we could have done a lot more with that scene.

Which scene?

The kiss.

Ohh. Are you kidding?

That little tickle thing you did with your tongue,

I swear, if I didn't have on 3 pairs of underwear,

I might have knocked over a light stand.

Ha. Shut up.

Oh, damn, Kelly, you're a nice girl.

Too bad you're not a real blonde.

What are you talking about?

Don't even try to bullshit me, Kelly.

I know a real blonde when I see one.

Well, then you must be fuckin' blind.

Wait a second.

You telling me that you are a real blonde?

Head to toe.

Want to see my driver's license?

No.

I don't want to see your driver's license.

Satisfied?

Ha ha.

Close the door.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[JOE PRACTICING LINES]

♪ What you want ♪

♪ You ain't gonna get it ♪

Sahara, where were you?

I just called you.

Oh, hey. Mary…

Oh, my god. What happened to you?

Yesterday, I went rollerblading with this guy I just met,

and somehow I got too close to him

and his elbow hit me in the eye.

I know it was my fault. I feel really stupid.

Oh, Jesus!

But can you cover it, please?

You cannot believe what I am going through

with those fricking snakes!

Oh, my god!

Blair, I am so sorry. It was an accident.

Is it real?

Yeah, it's real. Yes.

Mary, you have to get rid of it.

It's not the bruise. I can cover the bruise.

The problem is the swelling, I mean…

No. I've got to shoot today.

I booked those snakes a month in advance.

Well, you're just gonna have to shoot her

with a black eye, then.

Oh, are you crazy?

BLAIR: Darker, darker.

Bruise is truth. We must never hide it.

Yes. Bring in the serpents.

Yes.

Now wrap them around their legs.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god, that's it.

Everybody clear. Everybody clear.

Let's shoot. Let's shoot.

Roses! Right now!

More!

Yes! Oh! Yes!

Powerful, powerful.

No blame, Sahara.

No blame, Kiki.

Yes.

MISSY: To the side. Hold it right there.

DEE DEE: Yeah, OK, all right.

I'll take that call in my office.

Where is… ah, yeah.

Oh, Jim. Hi.

No. Joe Finnegan.

Joe! I'm sorry.

I'm… Joe, of course.

Missy, get a shot of his back.

Would you turn around?

Mm-hmm.

Good.

Now, Joe, could you, uh…

Give me some something sexy? A look.

Sexy?

Yeah, yeah, sexy. You know, sexy.

You know, be confident.

Oh, OK. That's good. Thanks.

Excuse me, Dee Dee,

did Madonna speak to you about me?

About you? No. Why?

Well, it's a funny thing,

but I got a phone call left on my answering machine,

and I keep calling,

but there's never an answer at the number she left.

Well, what do you suppose it was about?

I assumed that it had something to do with this video.

Maybe she wanted to give me a special cameo or something.

Ha. Joe, there are no special cameos in the video.

We'll try and get you in the front row, huh?

And so, you've got the address,

you've got the, uh, bathing suit.

Be prepared to spend all day.

OK, great. I'm excited. Dee Dee?

There any soaps coming up I could audition for?

Not right now.

Any plays or films?

Not at the moment.

Joe… Joe…

Do you think you could play a rapist?

Yeah, I think so.

How about a serial killer?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I can do that.

I think you could, too.

You're young, you're hip, you're sexy.

I think you'd be perfect for it.

Yeah!

I'm gonna keep my eye out for that kind of role,

and as soon as I find something, I'll let you know.

Great! Thanks, Dee Dee!

[BAND PLAYS MOON RIVER]

Pick it up. Pick that up now.

Go, go.

Jesus.

It's a little town near buffalo.

WOMAN: I've never been to buffalo.

Yeah.

I'd rather go to Tahiti or Montserrat.

Montserrat's fine, but you got to fly there.

You can take the bus up to it.

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

RAINA: Joe!

Alex, look. It's Joe.

ALEX: You're right. It is Joe.

Hey there, buddy.

What are you guys doing here?

I'm on the board

because the met bought 6 of my paintings.

Oh. You're getting them stretched all right, huh?

This is so funny, Joe. You're working.

Yeah. I got to pay the bills.

Great tuxedo, man.

Thanks. It's secondhand.

Hey, you know what? I'm doing a Madonna video tomorrow.

I love Madonna.

You know, we know her.

Yeah, she called me. She wants me to do

a special featured cameo or something.

That is just like her. Tell her I said hi.

I will.

And tell Mary we should get together real soon.

OK.

Excuse me, sir.

Is there anything else I can get you?

Perhaps some more whipped cream?

No, thank you, captain.

Got to keep ship-shape

for all these fillies around here.

You know what I mean?

Aye, aye, captain.

What are you doing?

He asked me about the strawberries,

how they got so big.

Never, ever touch a guest. Never!

I'm sorry, Ernst. Nobody told me.

OK, OK, OK. Just go, go, go, go, go, go.

God damn, you fucking whores.

Let's begin today by reviewing a few facts.

Men are physically stronger than women.

This is not a criticism of your gender, ladies.

It is a fact.

Fact… you as women are vulnerable.

Vulnerable, but not helpless.

This class will provide each and every one of you

with a simple and effective means of self-defense

in the event of a physical assault.

Fact… there are other types of assault.

Verbal harassment on the streets,

blatant groping and fondling in public places…

All the behavioral ticks that make men…

So irresistible.

Now, my research has shown that these assaults

could be equally damaging

if the rage and the frustration that they arouse

are not released.

And to that end,

I have developed a series of patented exercises

designed to increase your rrq.

Class.

Rage release quotient!

DOUG: Good.

Uh, Sheila, why don't you

come up to the front of the class, please?

Thank you.

Now…

Remember, you can respond however you feel, OK?

If you wish to scream, scream away.

If you feel like striking me,

go ahead and do so. Understand?

I think so.

All right. Let's begin.

Looking good, sweet meat.

Sweet meat.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes.

Do you like being called sweet meat?

No.

Does it make you angry?

Yes.

How angry?

Very angry.

OK.

How do you feel?

Better.

Good.

OK, Mary?

Come to the front, please.

OK. Let's begin.

Man, you got some sweet little ass on you, cupcake.

Shut the fuck up!

I'd take a nice little bite

out of that sweet little ass, cupcake.

You OK?

Yeah.

That was great.

It was.

He brought me up to the class,

and he was telling me, you know,

"just go ahead and do whatever you feel like doing."

I mean, it was just incredible.

I started punching and swinging at him.

I mean, I never knew it would feel this good

to hit somebody, you know?

That's great. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I did, I did.

And this teacher is so fantastic.

He said I have a really high rrq.

Rrq?

Rage release quotient!

He said I have the highest in the class. Ha ha.

Brrrr!

99.3!

Maybe I should take that class.

You know, Alex and Raina were at that dinner tonight.

He made a comment about my tuxedo,

and I wanted to kill him.

I felt like such an idiot standing there,

having them seeing me working as a waiter.

Come on, Joe. It's what you do.

It's not what I do.

OK. It's not what you do,

but it's how you pay the rent.

Huh? And there's nothing wrong with it.

I mean, everybody has to work.

Well, I'm sick of this shit.

I feel like my life's going nowhere.

Joe, your life is going somewhere.

I mean, you did this great audition for Dee Dee Taylor,

and she immediately got you a job with pay.

Did you ever get through to Madonna?

No. No, I've been calling all day.

It's the story of my life… Nobody's home.

Come on, Joe.

You just got to stick with it, you know?

I mean, you're a great actor.

I know you're gonna make it.

Do you really think so?

Mm-hmm. I have no doubt.

Mary. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Me, too, Joe.

Hey, you feel like fooling around?

I don't know. I'm not really in the mood.

Come on, let's do it.

I've got kind of a big day tomorrow.

I don't want to go in looking too tired.

Come on.

We're not building the pyramids here.

Ha.

Come on, Mary.

I won't wear you out, I promise.

Come on. I'm serious.

Come on. Stop!

Jesus, you don't have to get all pissy.

I'm not getting all pissy. I'm just…

Not in the mood.

OK, fine.

Men aren't machines that you can turn off and on

by the flick of a switch, you know?

I get the point, Joe.

Now you're angry?

I'm not angry.

Just next time I'm not in the mood,

don't give me any shit, OK?

More champagne, dirk?

I'm leaving, Deanna.

Oh, please. Please don't leave me.

I love you, dirk. I love you.

That means nothing to me now.

But you said you loved me.

I don't love you, Deanna.

You're weak. You're helpless.

And frankly, you bore me.

Please, dirk,

what do you want me to do?

I want you to get out of my life.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

What's next, cis?

Scene 11-a.

Deanna attempts suicide again.

10 minutes.

Whoa! Forgive me, father.

Hey, Bob.

Hold up there, wonder muffin. Hey.

What's up, Roy?

Ratings are up another 5.

Oh. Then you guys should give me another raise.

Whoo! Ow!

Actually, we've got an entirely new contract

for you, Bob.

5 years exclusive with dirk Drake

having his own a-level story line,

20 minutes guaranteed screen time

per episode.

Script approval?

That's a tall order, Bob.

When you're on your knees, Roy, everything looks tall.

Remember that, eh?

Dirk Drake.

What a piece of shit

this script is.

I can't believe I spent 3 years at the royal academy

just so I could spew this fucking garbage.

I'm a little busy, baby. Do you mind?

What are you doing?

I'm working on my next scene.

Oh. Oh, I see.

You're preparing

using Stanislavsky's famous horoscope method.

What's so funny?

You.

Oh, come on, muffin. Take off your robe.

No.

What?

You defy me, Deanna?

I'll see you tonight, baby.

Oh, but I'm ready right now, see?

Yes, you are.

You hold onto that little monster,

and not too tightly.

Remember what happened last time.

Hey.

That was a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I know it was, baby.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Come on, man,

get the hell on the set, would you?

Yo, Nicky! Nick, I got the beach boys.

We're ready. Whenever you are, baby.

All right, guys. Settle down.

Let's get quiet on the set, please, Zee. Thank you.

All right, beach boys! Settle down and listen up!

OK, guys. Here's the shot, all right?

Now, Madonna…

Is gonna come walking up the center aisle, right?

As she passes you and you see her,

you give a double-take, all right?

Like, "whoa, Madonna."

Whoa, Madonna.

No, no, no. I mean, don't say that,

but that's what you're acting like, right?

OK, now, uh, first of all,

you guys on this side got to angle this way, all right?

You guys over here, angle this way.

You angle this way a little bit!

So, she walks by, and make it big,

big double-take, all right?

Call rehearsal.

Rehearsal!

OK, ready and action.

And row one.

Row 2. Row 3.

And 4. And 5. And the top.

Yeah, great, great.

Guys on the top, that was excellent.

Way to go, brothers! Good job, bro!

Thanks.

That's the way we're gonna do it.

Exactly like that, only bigger.

Hey, man, make sure you get a shot of my ass.

I've been working on it all week.

[LAUGHTER]

Actually, he's right.

Make sure all the guys in the front row

have the right kind of, uh…

What?

The right kind of ass, right?

You know what I'm saying? Can you take care of that?

All right, beach boys, turn around!

MAN: Bring the lights closer.

BLAIR: Nice and romantic. I want it very romantic.

Sahara, Sahara, let's go, let's go.

Where is she?

I don't know, Blair.

Well, did she call?

Is anybody listening to me?

Did Sahara call?

No.

That's it.

I am angry. I am very, very angry.

Kiki.

Kiki!

Yes? Yes?

Darling, are you afraid of dogs?

No.

Excellent.

Bring in the poodle!

[HANDS CLAP]

WOMAN: Poodle!

♪ Some things are dark ♪

♪ And some things are red ♪

♪ Light up that cigar, baby ♪

♪ And use your imagination ♪

[PANTING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

This is Bob Lattimer. Leave a message.

[BEEP]

Hi. It's me.

Listen, I was thinking about our fight,

and I know that you feel bad and I feel bad,

so I just wanted to call and tell you

that I think we can work this out.

If I said anything to upset you, I'm sorry.

Really, I apologize.

As the crab Princess says in the little mermaid,

"I wuv you."

And I want to see you so please call me.

[BEEP]

Come on, I'm not waiting any fucking longer. Let's go.

Zee, help me out here, will ya?

Hey, man. How you doing? I'm ready.

All right!

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Stop playing house here!

I want quiet!

Bring in Madonna!

Madonna!

[HORN BLOWS]

[MEN CHEERING]

Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, man, opie. Get in the back.

Go to the back. Come on, man.

Uh, you right there, come here.

Stand in his spot.

JOE: Why do I have to go in the back?

Why?

Because your ass looks like a back with a line in it.

Go to the back or get off the set!

Come on, man, move it! Shit!

Let's go. All right, we're gonna do this.

Don't forget to make it big. Real, but big.

All right, call it, Zee.

All right, umbrellas!

Play back! Roll those cameras!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Louder, louder!

Up, up! Come on! Yeah!

Action!

♪ Some girls, ♪ ♪ they like candy ♪

♪ And others, ♪ ♪ they like gripe ♪

♪ I'll settle for ♪ ♪ the back of your hand ♪

♪ Somewhere on my behind ♪

♪ Treat me like ♪ ♪ I'm a bad girl ♪

♪ Even when I'm ♪ ♪ being good to you ♪

♪ I don't want you ♪ ♪ to thank me ♪

♪ You can just ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Some guys ♪ ♪ like to sweet-talk ♪

♪ And others, ♪ ♪ they like to tease ♪

OK, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Cut!

[HORN BLOWS]

All right, guys, what the fuck, huh?

That's a cut!

What did I… what…

That was bigger?

You, you're so concerned about your ass, huh?

Be concerned about your acting, all right?

Tell the guy in the blue speedo…

Get in the fucking back! Right now!

[TAPE REWINDING]

[BEEP]

JOE: Hey, Bob, it's Joe.

I know you're probably in bed shooting heroin

with some underwear model,

but if you want to have a beer or something,

give me a call.

[BEEP]

SAHARA: Hi. It's me.

Listen, I was thinking about our fight,

and I know that you feel bad and I feel bad…

[BEEP]

Hey. Are we doing this or not?

You bet your ass we're doing it.

Are you sure?

Maybe you want to read your mail next.

Deanna, beware the wrath of dirk Drake.

Look out. Here I come.

ZEE: All right, now, what's with the crane, huh?

NICK: Zee, why isn't the crane back to one?

Move the goddamn crane back to one, all right?

Let's go!

You know, biff,

sometimes I just want to rip my clothes off

in the middle of the set!

Beat the fuckin' shit out of that asshole assistant director.

I mean, I could outbox, outrun, and outkick his fucking ass,

and still I have to take orders

from all these stupid sons of bitches

till I can't fucking stand it no more.

Fuck!

Excuse me. Madonna?

Joe Finnegan.

You called me.

I tried calling right back,

but there was no answer at the number you left.

[LAUGHS]

You really thought I was her, didn't you?

Oh, my god. You look just like her.

I know. I've done her body work for the last 2 videos.

Really?

What I really want to do is get a contract

so I can be in all her videos

and maybe even her movies.

Especially now since the baby.

So where is she?

She did all her closeups yesterday,

so she's probably back in I.A.

Or Miami… you know, she spends a lot of time there.

But you know her, right?

And kick… Kick…

And punch… And gouge…

And kick.

OK, position Alpha.

I want to show you now what to do

in the event that you are attacked from behind.

This is very important, OK?

Does anybody want to volunteer?

Mary?

Come on.

OK, now, get behind me.

OK, now, I want you to wrap your arms around me

as if you were going to attack me from behind.

OK, go ahead.

My hands are free,

but it's going to be hard to pull these arms off, right?

What's the next closest weapon?

Teeth, right? Bite.

At the same time, bring up that right leg

and deliver a heel smash to the instep.

So it's… Aah… Unh. Right?

That heel smash will open up this leg, OK,

creating the space here

in which I will deliver an elbow to the stomach, OK?

Now, why don't you assume that position?

OK?

Now, I'm going to grab you here.

Now give me the bite.

OK… and then the heel smash.

OK, that's gonna open me up a little bit

and you're gonna give me the…

Very good. OK, try it again.

OK…

All right…

NICK: It's exciting.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Excuse me.

Very good.

Thanks a lot. Nice talking to you.

GIRL: Later.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Yeah, but what about aids, man?

Aids was created in a laboratory by white Jewish scientists.

It was a conspiracy with the FBI

basically to annihilate the power of the black nation.

Wow.

This is gonna blow your mind.

You know the holocaust?

Never happened.

Oh, man.

What about the stories and pictures?

That shit is fake. It's about as real as your hair.

Come on, look at this shit.

I read a book. Page after page of proof

that said that the Jews made the whole holocaust up.

Shit never happened.

You know, I think I read that same book.

Remember the part about slavery in America?

What part is that?

Where the guy proves that all the African-Americans

that came here in the 1600s actually wanted to come.

In fact, most of them paid their own way.

What the fuck are you talking about, man?

It's true. They heard there were lots of jobs

picking cotton which would lead to better jobs

as muggers and crackheads, so they just rushed over.

Can you believe it? Slavery never existed.

Man, that shit is not even a little bit funny.

It's at least as funny as what you said

about the holocaust, don't you think?

How's this for funny, beach boy?

Why don't you get your pail and get out of here?

You're fucking fired.

All right, everyone, back to one!

I want silence! Don't play with me today!

Just give me a minute, will you?

I already told you it was the rubber.

Rubber's off now.

Damn right the rubber's off.

Well?

Hold on.

What do you think I am, a machine?

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on, Kelly, get back here.

Get back into bed.

Listen, baby, I know these things happen sometimes,

but I gotta know. Can you do this or not?

Because if you can't, I gotta get on the phone,

make some calls, and find somebody who can.

Aw, what's the matter, baby, I hurt your feelings?

Actually, Kelly, you did hurt my feelings.

Christ, I mean, I like you, right?

You make me feel like I'm just a stiff piece of meat.

Mmm, well…

Not so stiff really, right?

Just get the hell out of here.

You think I want to do this now after what you just said?

You can't do it.

[SNAPS]

Get on the bed.

No.

What are you… get off of me!

BOB: Fuck.

See you on set, dirk.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[MUFFLED YELLING]

So, anybody need a ride? I'm heading downtown.

No, thanks.

Where you going Mary?

Actually, I'm going downtown.

Great.

Anybody else need a ride downtown?

OK.

It's a big car, ladies.

No takers?

Car's over this way. Bye.

Bye, guys.

[ALARM BEEPS]

There you go.

Oh, thank you.

God damn it.

Mary?

Mary?

Where is she?

You know, Mary, I gotta say,

of all the women who have passed

through my classes over the years,

you are by far

the most courageous and committed.

Thanks, Doug. You're… You're a great teacher.

Everybody says so.

Oh, well…

Yes and no, I mean, you know.

I mean, a teacher can only do so much.

What does your boyfriend do?

Oh, my god…

What the hell?

Jesus Christ.

I'm leaving, Deanna.

Oh, please, please don't leave me.

I love you, dirk.

I love you.

That means nothing to me now.

You said you loved me.

I don't love you, Deanna.

You're weak, you're helpless.

And frankly, you bore me.

Ooh!

Please, dirk,

what do you want me to do?

I want you to get out of my life.

What's she gonna do now?

Try suicide again?

Oh.

It looked like Bob on that TV.

Wow… it is Bob.

Look at that.

And how long have you guys been together?

6 years.

Jump back. Wow.

You're a real married couple here.

Wow. No.

I don't think either one of us is interested in marriage.

You know something?

Your boyfriend is a very, very lucky guy.

Thank you.

[HORN HONKS]

DOUG: Mary… Mary! Wait, Mary!

Baby, what's the matter?

Can I come in?

Of course. Of course.

Um, what's… what's going on?

What… what is it?

Well, I've been thinking a lot.

I feel it's important to tell you.

I…

To tell me what?

Look, I know I've been, um…

No, Bob, you haven't.

Yes, I have. I have, all right.

And I feel, um…

I feel…

What? What do you feel?

What, baby?

Ohh…

Ohh…

Ohh…

Oh, it's OK.

Did they pay you?

No. But for me, it was worth it.

Oh, that's great, Joe. That's great.

You get your first paying acting job ever,

and you blow it all with some stupid comment.

That sounds worth it.

I don't want to sound funny, Mary,

but a lecture is the last thing I need right now.

Hey, Joe, do you think just once you could

lift the toilet seat when you take a leak?

What do you mean just once?

I always lift it.

You never do it. Come look at this.

There's piss all over the seat.

There is not.

Come look!

I'm not gonna go in there

and look at a drop of piss on a toilet seat.

You admit it!

I do not! Would you get off my case?

What's the matter with you?

I'm not on your case.

You're just in a bad mood

because you know you did something stupid.

What, you're going to bed?

It appears that way. Is there something on your mind?

Well, it just struck me

that we haven't made love for over a month.

Well, it's not my fault.

Oh, well, it's not my fault.

Joe, you have been very depressed lately.

No, I haven't.

You just told me yesterday

you felt like your life was going nowhere.

So?

I can feel that way and not be depressed.

Well, it's very hard on me

dealing with your moods all the time.

It's very hard on me

wearing the rubber all the time.

It's not all the time.

It certainly seems like it.

Fine! We won't use it.

I'll just get pregnant. Is that what you want?

Why is it every time I say I don't want to use a rubber

you accuse me of wanting to get you pregnant?

You said you wanted to have a baby.

Not right now.

When?

Let's just stop this discussion right now!

I'm in a bad mood. You're in a bad mood.

We're stopping. I've stopped.

You make some money and maybe we'll talk about having a kid.

Why does it always come down to money with you?

Because you don't have any, and let's face it, Joe,

I know you're trying to make it as an actor,

but you work as a waiter.

You still don't even have an agent.

I know I don't have an agent!

You think I don't know that?

Don't yell at me.

Well, don't talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot!

You think I like being broke all the time?

You think I like wearing that cheap tuxedo,

serving up salmon in greasy, cheesy sauce?

You think I like kissing Dee Dee Taylor's ass

so she can get me a job

standing around in my bathing suit?

Which you bought?

How do you think that makes me feel? Huh?

Joe, I'm sorry, OK?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

OK? Come here.

No.

I know how hard it is on you, Joe.

But it's hard on me, too.

I feel like everything's on my shoulders.

I feel like I'm all alone.

I know.

I've got to ask Ernst for more work.

That's all there is to it.

I've got to find some way to make some more money.

Joe, come here.

Joe, I love you whether you have money or not.

I don't want to argue with you.

I came home tonight and I really wanted to see you.

You go out and have a drink after class?

No, class went a little later tonight

and I hopped in a cab and came home.

You took a cab?

Yeah. I just wanted to get home.

That makes sense.

JOE: Hey, Mary, look at this.

Look at this woman's underwear.

See how it's all sleek and Lacy?

How it accentuates every part of her body

and presents it like a beautiful piece of candy?

What's the matter?

Nothing. I'm just listening.

You got a funny look on your face.

I'm just waiting for you to make your point.

Well, my point is, compare that to men's underwear

which is white, cotton, shapeless.

Essentially a diaper.

What do you think that's saying?

All men are babies?

I'm trying to be serious here, Mary.

I think this is an important statement

about the relationship between men and women.

Good. I think you should write a book about it

and then maybe you can tour the country

lecturing at lingerie stores.

Thanks a lot, Mary. That's very funny.

I still need the rent.

I'm picking my check up from Ernst today.

I might be a little bit late tonight

'cause I've got an audition.

For what?

Some movie.

Dee Dee Taylor called me in.

Well, good luck.

So I guess we're still fighting, huh?

I'm not fighting.

What, no kiss good-bye?

I had an abortion.

So what?

Dirk, how can you be so cruel?

I'm not cruel, Deanna, I'm honest.

[SIGHS]

And I know exactly what you are.

I want to go.

No, you don't. I want…

You want me. That's what you want.

DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut! Cut!

Bob, it's all about energy, man.

When you grab her, I need to see energy.

What the fuck do you mean?

Cis, be so kind as to tell him what the fuck I mean.

Louder, Carl? Is that what you're saying?

God-fucking-damn it. I'm coming down.

God damn it!

CREW: [WHISPERING] Jesus Christ!

This is what I'm talking about.

You grab her like this… Hard.

She feels it, you feel it.

She's turned on. She's like a hunted animal.

Suddenly, you pull her to you like this.

[TEARING] Oh, I like that.

Rip her blouse.

CIS: Wardrobe!

Let her know it's sex right now

whether she wants it or not.

OK, Shakespeare?

[BUZZER SOUNDS] Go nuts.

And…

Action.

I had an erection.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, abortion.

Abortion.

All right, all right. Come on, Bob.

I said action.

Action!

What the fuck's wrong with him?

Aw, bloody Christ.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Bob? Bob! Bob!

I'm off the show, Roy.

No contract, no nothing.

Party's over, that's it.

Bob, Bob, Bob,

you're making way too much out of this, man.

You got a little jammed up, that's all.

It happens to everybody.

No, we've got a big, big problem here,

and I can tell you exactly where it is.

All right, it's Carl. You want a new director?

No, it is dirk and Deanna.

Their story is stalled.

They keep going in circles,

saying the same things over and over.

They're not real.

There's no movement. No development.

All right, OK. You want development, no problem.

Here we go. OK, they…

They get married!

Right?

So we do the whole ceremony…

And the wedding night…

Hot tub… Baby oil…

You with me?

See? You want development, you got it.

You see…

I'd go in exactly the opposite direction.

Think about this, Roy.

The next time Deanna attempts suicide…

It works.

Ha ha ha ha!

That would be funny.

Christ, she talks about it enough.

Every single episode.

She…

She kills herself?

She kills herself.

She kills herself.

Uh-huh.

God…

I can't believe how simple that was.

Hey, good idea, Roy.

Thanks for thinking about it, eh?

I mean it.

[SIGHS]

Kelly?

All right, what is the meter reading?

The meter says 11.

Yeah. And the… the face?

I want the faces to look all right.

I know I can feel it.

Can you? Yes.

Mary, it was telling me to just get away

and spend some quality time with me.

Oh, your favorite person.

Yeah.

With myself. Yes, yes, yes.

I told you that I'm a very spiritual person.

Mm-hmm.

Today my horoscope said, "you will look within,

and that which was lost will be regained."

Oh.

I've regained something, Mary.

Someone.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

That guy you went rollerblading with?

What?

You know, who hit you with his elbow?

Oh! Oh, that was an accident.

Besides, love is never perfect, Mary.

I've learned that, and I'm a much happier person.

Sahara, darling, I need you out here immediately.

Let me see the proof.

Where are you gonna put…

8 1/2.

Will everyone please be quiet?

I want absolute quiet in this room right now.

This is not a game. We are not playing here.

I'm sorry to be yelling, but I am very angry.

Not at you, my darlings,

you are magnificent, both of you.

All right, let's shoot.

All right…

Yes, yes, love.

Sensual…

Good, Rubio. Almost there.

And the stomach, stomach.

Give me those nice, tight, chunky abs.

That's it, that's it. Good.

All right… Eternity.

Good…

Eternal love.

Almost, almost…

Keep going. Give me more.

Give me abs. Chunky abs, let's go.

Tighter, tighter, tighter…

[FARTS]

MAN: Oh, my god.

RUBIO: Oh, dios!

SAHARA: Rubio, what's the matter?

What is it? What happened?

What's the matter?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

He says he is deeply, deeply ashamed.

He's never, ever released the gas

in front of a woman before.

Rubio. Rubio. It's OK, really.

It's OK.

I don't mind. Come here, baby.

I don't mind. I don't mind.

Oh, Rubio, I love you.

Rubio, no care. Do you understand?

No care. No care, baby.

Ohh…

[WHISPERING] Clear. Clear.

Mr. Bob…

Clean, press, hang, no box.

Ah, you're the best, Chang.

I know it.

Here, I've got something for you.

Oh, no…

Mr. Bob! My old tuxedo.

Come on. I told you I was going to give it to you.

Just take it, will you?

Will you sign?

What?

Your name. Sign your name here.

Chang, I'm not going to sign a fucking tuxedo.

Oh, yes, Mr. Bob, you will sign.

Souvenir, remember?

Ah ha ha ha!

Hey, Bob!

Hey! Hey!

How are you? Look at you!

Look at all this money!

How are you, man?

I'm great. You get my message?

You never fucking called me, you bastard.

Yes. I was gonna call you,

but I've been so busy with this goddamn soap.

Oh, yeah. It's going pretty well, huh?

Can't complain, yeah.

Just signed a 5-year contract today.

That's great. 5 years.

What about you? Still doing the catering?

Yeah. I'm picking up my tux right now,

and, uh…

Check it out.

What's that?

I did a Madonna video.

She called me at home.

I've been trying to call her back,

but I haven't been able to get through.

Ha ha ha!

What?

What, you don't believe me?

Come over to my house. Right now. Come on.

Let's go. I'll play the message for you.

I saved the tape.

Hey, that was this chick I know.

She does a great Madonna imitation.

I said, "hey, call my buddy Joe.

Say you're Madonna, leave a fake number."

I didn't think she was going to do it.

That was you?

Yeah. Hey, I'm sorry.

I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

I'm really sorry.

No.

We should get together sometime.

Yeah, definitely, let's get together.

Right. I'll give you a call.

Hey, you look good, man.

Hey, likewise.

Hey…

I might be getting married.

Have you been back to class since then?

Well, yeah, but I can barely look at him.

I'm still so furious.

Mary, I'm wondering if…

This enormous anger you have toward Doug

is not somewhat misplaced.

What do you mean?

Well, should he be so harshly condemned

simply for finding you sexually desirable?

Well, should I be grateful to him

for wanting to kiss me, is that what you're saying?

Mary, I know this is a sensitive subject for you,

but please try to remember I'm on your side.

I do believe that you do indeed have some difficulty

in accepting yourself

as a beautiful, sexually desirable young woman.

Dr. Leuter, would you please stop saying that?

Why?

Well… honestly, it's just a little weird

hearing it from my therapist, that's all.

Yes, I am your therapist, Mary,

but I am also a man, and I would be lying to you

if I said that I didn't have impulses as both.

Do you think my lying to you

would be beneficial?

No.

In truth, I've entertained sexual thoughts about you

many times during our meetings.

Dr. Leuter…

Let me finish, please.

OK.

In fact, just a moment ago while you were speaking.

And while I was utterly and professionally engaged

in what you were saying,

part of me was imagining what your breasts

would feel like naked in my hands.

I think I better leave.

Mary, sit down, please.

Mary, please!

It is imperative that you confront this issue!

Mary!

Mary.

[HONKING]

What, you got friends all over the fucking place?

Yes, I have friends as a matter of fact.

Come here.

I am not your fucking dog!

Oh! JOE: Hey!

GIRL: Oh, my god.

I'm not gonna fucking tell you again.

Hey! Take it easy!

You don't have to hit her.

Who the fuck… shut the fuck up, asshole!

I'm the asshole, huh?

You're the asshole, pal.

I'm an asshole?

GIRL: Oh, my god!

Want to get shot, motherfucker?

Huh, fuckface? You want to get shot?

Go ahead, shoot me!

You brave, motherfucker?

Go ahead! Do it!

Go ahead! Shoot the whole fucking world!

We don't care! Go ahead!

Lisa!

Come on, baby! I'm sorry!

Excuse me, Ernst?

What is it?

You're probably going to want to fire me,

but somehow I have lost my bow tie.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Moses.

I've looked everywhere for it.

It must have fallen out of my bag.

Well, I know you're really short tonight,

and I feel terrible.

Come here, Joe.

This is called a four-in-hand.

Do you know how to tie it?

No, sir. Mine was a clip-on.

Are you on for the lunch tomorrow?

No. I wasn't told.

Put it in your book.

Thank you, Ernst.

I'll make sure I have my own tie.

Keep this one.

Looks better on you.

DOUG: And hit.

And hit.

OK, um, got about a minute left.

Chantal, why don't you come up to the front?

Doug, could someone else go?

I don't feel that good today.

Oh, Chantal, your rrq

is one of the lowest in the class.

I really feel right now if we go for it

we can probably bring you up 25 points.

What do you say?

[SIGHS]

OK, now, just relax.

Come on, big mama.

I got something for you right here, big mama.

It's all yours, big mama. Come on. Come on.

OK. OK. OK.

It's all right. Are you all right?

Mmm.

It's OK. Go on back.

Class… remember,

tears are an entirely appropriate response.

OK?

Mary, why don't you come up?

How have you been?

Good.

You seem a little upset about something? You OK?

Never better.

Good. So why don't you turn around

and show me that sweet little cupcake ass of yours?

Come on.

Unh!

1, 2, 3, 4!

Unh!

Aah!

Oh!

And a knee to the groin!

Ohh!

[CHEERING]

[CHANTING] Mary! Mary! Mary!

DEANNA: I had an abortion.

DIRK: So what?

Dirk, how can you be so cruel?

I'm not cruel, Deanna, I'm honest.

And here…

I brought you something.

I love you, dirk.

[SOBS] Good-bye.

[GUNSHOT]

Oh, my god. She finally did it.

Shit.

[KNOCKS]

Hi, I'm Joe Finnegan. I have a 7:45.

They just took the 8:00.

Sorry.

You're going to have to wait.

[LOUD VOICES]

Joe?

Joe?

Joe?

[CLICK]

[BEEP]

Hi, Mary. It's Sahara.

You're not gonna believe this, but I think I'm getting married.

I know it's crazy, but I'm in love.

OK, give me call. OK, bye.

[BEEP]

JOE: Joe and Mary, quite contrary,

some might call them adversaries,

none the less, I must confess;

she's the one I love the best.

I'll see you tonight. [BEEP]

Good night. Great script. Really cool.

Thanks, Dee Dee. Big kiss. Big one.

See you, Larry.

See you later.

Great to see you, Lawrence.

DEE DEE: Next, please!

Finnegan.

DIRECTOR: Who's this guy?

DEE DEE: Ah, Joe Finnegan.

I told you I thought you should see him.

MAN: I'd like 2 white wines and a bloody Mary.

Frankly, pal, so would I.

Joe, why are you wearing a tuxedo?

Sorry, miss Taylor. I just got off work.

I didn't have time to change.

Joe, most of these parts are already cast,

but since you are the last one,

we are going to let you read the Nick and Shelley scene.

Now, that is Tina. She's going to be reading with you.

Hey, I know you. The Madonna video.

Don't you remember?

You thought I really was Madonna.

Oh, my god, you look completely different.

You changed your hair.

Yeah, I'm back to my real color.

OK, OK… It's fairly simple.

You are a serial killer.

A very sexy serial killer.

She thinks that you love killing

more than you love her so she grabs the gun

that you have just used to kill

her father and mother and sister and brother…

I… I still don't think the brother. It's too much.

We need the brother. He's symbolic.

Would you two please just mind saving this?

I will make this decision, all right?

Anytime you're ready.

I love you, Shelley.

Give me the gun.

No. You don't love me.

I do.

Tell me one thing that you love about me.

Tell me.

I love your hair…

I love your breath, your skin, your eyes…

I love your smile, your touch…

I love the way you fall asleep at night…

Holding my finger.

Please…

Please…

Give me the gun.

Changed some of the lines there, Joe.

I'm sorry. I got a little lost. Thanks.

No, no. Wait, wait.

I'll just ask, of course.

Well, find out.

Joe, we'd like to see…

Something else now. Something, um…

With a little different tone.

Right now? Anything.

We just want to get some idea of your range.

Do you have anything, Joe?

You know, biff…

Sometimes, I just…

Want to rip my clothes off in the middle of that store

and outbox that goddamn merchandise manager.

I mean, I can outbox…

Outrun, and outlift anybody in that store.

But still I have to take orders from those…

Common, petty sons of bitches

till I can't stand it anymore.

You see, biff…

Everybody around me…

Is so false…

I'm constantly lowering my ideals.

DEE DEE: Oh, my god.

MAN: Well… Brilliant.

Ah, you see?

I told you my instincts were never wrong.

That was very good, Joe.

Very, very good. Bravo!

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, I just got a part in a movie.

I still can't believe it. My first part in a movie.

They all loved you, Joe. You were so great.

I was great? Well, you know, you were great.

I mean, I don't know why you're not acting in it.

No, I'm not an actress, Joe. I know that now.

What about standing in for Madonna?

Blond, black, back to blond,

my hair couldn't take it anymore.

I think your hair looks great this way.

Yeah. I think it looks great.

I wanted to do that all night.

Hey, I just got a part in a movie.

That's incredible.

A friend told me about this place.

You see all these waitresses?

They're all models. All of them.

All high-class models.

Mmm!

You are so sexy, Joe!

I want you right now.

Oh, Tina, I want you, too.

When you said those things you loved about me,

it felt like you really meant it,

like… like you were really talking to me.

Wow, this is crazy.

I know. Let's go back to my place.

No. Boy, I'd really like to, but…

I like you, too, Joe.

No, no, I mean I gotta go.

You gotta go?

I'm sorry, Tina. I… will you be all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm… I'm gonna be all right.

It's good to see you again, Joe.

You, too, Tina.

Mary?

Joe.

I got the part.

Did you?

A part in a film. And there's money.

Joe!

Joe, that's fantastic.

Joe!

Joe!

Joe…

Do I have a sexual problem?

Are you crazy?

Dr. Leuter said I had a sexual problem

because I didn't want to hear

his fantasies about me.

What fantasies?

He said he was a man

and he wondered what my breasts would feel like

naked in his hands.

Well, I'm a man, and he's gonna wonder

what my fist feels like naked in his face.

Joe…

You don't think I have a sexual problem?

Hell, no.

But even you said I wasn't spontaneous.

Well, did I?

Oh, come on, Mary,

I meant both of us.

You're still attracted to me?

Of course I am.

We haven't made love in over 2 months.

I know that. You kidding?

I'm very aware of that.

Maybe you're not attracted to me.

How can you say that?

Maybe you're attracted to guys like your self-defense teacher

and his big, fancy BMW.

Joe, I am very attracted to you.

I am very, very, very attracted to you, Mary.

I am very, very, very attracted to you, Joe.

[SHIRT TEARS]

Oh, Mary!

MARY: What are you doing?

[LAUGHS] Oh, god!

Jesus… Christ.

Joe, you were incredible.

Me? What about you?

Little rabbit.

Little sex rabbit.

Carrot boy.

Whoo.

Whoo.

Wow.

Hey, how did you know my teacher had a BMW?

Does he?

Yeah.

Lucky guess.

Sorry about the rubber.

Think we'll be OK?

I don't know.

I hope so.

Good morning.

How do you like your eggs, baby?

Over easy.

All righty. Over easy it is.

Everything's going to be easy from here on out.

And you know what I've decided?

For the wedding,

I'm going to go back to my real color.

Brunette, again.

I haven't been a brunette in years.

Besides…

It's the real me, anyway.

And who more would you want than the real me?

Nothing more than just absolutely me.

I feel so comfortable with you

I just cannot believe it.

I'm just so excited about this wedding…

Buddy.