All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E21.Mikes.Award.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Dooky_track3_[eng]

Peg, it happened again.
We got a winner.

The post office forgot
to cancel another stamp?

Eight cents more toward
our cemetery plot.

Oh, take me
there now. [ Doorbell rings ]

I'm gonna start the tea kettle
and steam it off. [ Vacuum stops ]

♪♪

Oh, good, you're home.

I thought you might be
out of town

because your lawn
looks so poorly maintained.

Oh, Helen.
Is this an intentional visit?

'Cause I know it's not uncommon
for people your age

to get lost wandering
around the neighborhood.

Let me have one of my boys
guide you home, hmm?

You know, as scary
as this part of town is,

that won't be necessary.

Hi, Helen.
Hello, Michael.

Adult Timmy:
Neither of my parents much liked Helen Portollo.

She was my mom's best friend.

Have you seen
the article

about my husband
in the Press-Tribune?

I wonder if
we could have your copy

when you're done
clipping coupons

and swatting your bugs.

Oh, Steven looks
so distinguished. Yeah.

And they saved ink by not
having to print hair.

[ Laughing ]

Something funny
on the news.

He got an award
at work --

Salesman of the Month.

They were gonna give it
to him in June,

but we held out for one
with thirty-one days.

It's right here
next to the article

about Pioneer Days
festivities. Mm.

Of course, Mike and I
were invited

to the banquet
again this year.

We're so looking forward
to going.

Ugh, that's
this weekend?

Last year, they served
chicken stuffed with crab.

Oh, that's what
that was.

Thought the chicken
had gone bad.

Steven and I
will be there as well,

at the Mayor's table.
Hm.

Come by and say hi, although
it might be roped off.

I'll be sure to wave.

Well, I won't blame you
if you forget.

I know how you get
with an open bar.

Well, anyway, so great
to see you, Helen.

You too, Peggy.

Thank you.

Criminy.

I mean, if Steven's
such a bigwig,

you'd think he could afford
to buy his own newspapers.

And a big wig.
They give out meaningless prizes

at my work
all the time.

I'm getting one
on Wednesday.

You're getting an award,
and you didn't say anything

while Helen was here bumpin'
her gums about Steven?

I don't get all giddy
over some dumb trophy.

Not even a trophy -- They gave
him a paper certificate.

I mean, babies get those
just for being born.

The only certificate
a real man wants

is a weekly paycheck.
[ Kettle whistling ]

Oh, Mike.
Ah!

The siren song
of a free stamp.

[ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]

You could've bragged
to your friend Helen

that I just earned
my Scout badge

for making fire
without a match.

They give badges now
for doing easy things

the hardest way
possible? I also earned

my climbing-up-a-ladder-
with-no-hands badge.

Oh, well, now, that actually
sounds like a useful skill.

Tell me all about it.

Well, the angle of the ladder
is critical --

[ Vacuum runs ]

You --

You going on rides
at the fair tonight?

I'll cut you a deal
on the tickets.

Where'd you get those?

Carnival supply company.

I can also fix you up
with a four-foot Tweety Bird

and all the baggies
full of goldfish you want.

Where's the fun
in a carnival prize

if you don't win it?

I've been practicing
that milk-bottle toss all year.

I'm gonna win a visor,
which is basically

the coolest parts
of a hat.

You know
what's fun for me?

Not having fun.

Self-denial --
That is the real fun.

Plus it costs nothing.
And it's not fun.

I'm gonna do my magic act
at the carnival.

Having seen your act,
your most impressive trick

was getting hired.
[ Laughter ]

I haven't sealed the deal,
but I already rented a tuxedo

so I know it's gonna happen.
A lot of guys go to prom

with that same
naive optimism.

They do magic
at the prom?

Oh, I can't wait
for high school.

Yeah, let's just jump ahead

and say there was no magic
at any of my proms.

Although one year
my date did disappear.

If you want this gig,
you'll need a manager -- me.

Why should clean-shaven
P.T. Barnum

get all the credit when the
bearded lady has all the talent?

You're kind of arguing
against the need for a manager,

- but I'm in!
- I love Pioneer Days.

I wish
I was a pioneer.

Oh, Pat. You would've died
in childbirth

and probably
taken me with you.

I'm sorry, Mommy.
Me too.

We could be in Heaven
right now instead of eating this garbage.

And I can say that
'cause I made it.

Ah, everything looks
delicious, Peg. [ Chuckles ]

You see a spread like this,
you appreciate

the sacrifices made
by our pioneer forefathers.

And the sacrifices they forced
the Native Americans to make.

Everyone had
a role to play.

Native peoples were living
in this area

for 5,000 years with
a peaceful, communal culture.

Exactly, communism,

and we brought them
the American way of life,

plus the religious freedom

to pursue any form
of Christianity.

They had their own
spiritual practices.

Yeah, well, whoever they were
praying to, it didn't work.

Lawrence does make
a good case.

Maybe we should boycott
this pioneer banquet

out of respect to
the Native Americans and their gibberish.

Nice try.

We're going,
and we're gonna shine.

I just found out
that Helen and Steven

are not only
at the Mayor's table,

they are seated right next
to the guest of honor,

Dan Blocker
from "Bonanza."

Can you slip him
my head shot and résumé?

I just need to add "bronco
busting" to my special skills.

It's that newspaper
article, Mike.

If you were more willing
to toot your own horn,

we'd be up there with Hoss
instead of Helen and Steven.

I would very much enjoy picking
Hoss Cartwright's brain --

discussing ranching conditions
on the Ponderosa.

But spending an awkward meal
with some Hollywood dandy?

No, thank you.

The name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Pioneer Days wasn't just

an annual banquet
my father dreaded.

It was a week-long celebration
of the frontier settlers

whose perseverance, sacrifice,

and rumored cannibalism
founded our town.

Whoa,
look at her!

Frank: In a more
civilized time,

she would've been stoned
by the town elders.

♪ Saturday in the park ♪

How does any of this gaudy
hoopla honor the pioneers?

Are you kidding?
My friend Dino got arrested here

last night by a real-live
deputy sheriff.

In memory of the pioneers,
I'm gonna win a hat

that keeps the sun
out of my eyes

and still lets me
tan my scalp.

A quarter gets you one toss.
Three tosses for a dollar.

That's a deal!
No, it's not.

It's actually
a rip-off!

I'm only
gonna need one.

Thank you.

[ Grunts ]
Let's go.

This whole event is
a festival of duplicity. I know.

Give me the three-ball deal
my brother talked me out of.

Can I throw
two balls at once? Suit yourself.

Carnival Barker:
Fifty cents, four-bits,

Ah! So much harder.
...one shiny half-dollar...

...to see freaks
and psychos

and a collection
of things in jars

that you'll wish
were in cans!

And, for
an extra quarter,

you can feed shrimp
to anything with a mouth!

Excuse me, sir.

We have an act here
you may be interested in.

Two arms,
two legs, and a head.

Unless he's hiding
a tail under there,

nobody's paying
to see that.

They might pay
to see...this!

And it's not
even that cold.

He's got a solid
five minutes of material

he can easily stretch
into an hour.

Kids, these days,
I can't swing a dead dwarf

without hitting
a magician.

In fact, I'm not even
allowed to swing a dead dwarf anymore.

Thanks, Nixon.

[ Whispering ] Offer the man
a bite of your drumstick.

Sorry, kid.

I only showcase

the kind of human monsters
that give people nightmares.

Like that bendy
little freak.

Well, you're in luck.

I also represent him.

Ooh.

[ Whispering ]
What about me? [ Clicks tongue ]

I feel like I've taken you
as far as I can.

Let's go to my tent
and talk some business.

Unlike Helen's husband,
my dad tried to keep

a low profile at his work.

He didn't go in
for a lot of showing off...

[ Bell ringing ]
...which Dad saw as a good way to lose a limb

or, worse, the respect
of his coworkers.

Honey, I specifically
asked for

a banana
in my lunch today,

and I can't
find it anywhere!

[ Terry laughs ]

Good afternoon, feel free
to keep eating your lunches.

I already
had mine --

fish.
Mm.

Now, to this month's
productivity award.

Uh, I'll call
you back.

Well, it seems we have
a delightful surprise

which, unfortunately,
cannot be avoided.

We have guests
for today's award.

Mike Cleary,

apparently you have
a family,

and they are here.

Peggy: Surprise!

♪♪

What is this?
Well, I rallied all the boys

to show how proud they are
of their dad.

Since when do I care
what they think?

Congratulations,
Dad.

[ Laughter,
indistinct muttering ]

[ Whispers ]
I'll need those back.

Honey, I told you,
this award was nothing.

Well, I think that's
for the newspaper to decide.

Right? Yeah, we're gonna
do a quick photo.

Come on.
Let's all line up.

Just let me get his name
on the plaque

and peel off
last month's winner.

How long
is this going to take?

My client's due back
at the side show.

I'm a curiosity.
Oh.

Mike: This is just you
showboating for Helen

and her stupid,
bald husband. Oh, poppycock.

Make sure you get
the whole family

and all of Mike's hair
in the shot.

♪♪

[ Whispering ]
Stand up straight.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Stand up straight.

I don't want to accidentally
sew your hump into my dress.

I am happy to contribute
in any small way

to you dazzling
at that banquet.

[ Door opens ]
Mike: Peg?

In here!
In here!

[ Door closes ]

That stunt today
was embarrassing.

A man simply doing his job
does not belong in the newspaper

unless that job
is president

or the Boston Strangler.

Quiet dignity.

That's what makes the man.

Ouch!

You accidentally
stabbed me.

Yeah, accidentally.

Look, Mike,
what's done is done.

But according to William,

your picture's
on the front page.

Oh, no,
you're bleeding.

Take off my dress
before you ruin it.

Why are we competing
with Helen and Steven?

I have no interest in trying
to be some fancy big shot

hobnobbing with glitterati
like Hoss.

I'm not gonna apologize
for being proud of my husband

or the hard work he does
being better than Steven.

[ Dog barking ]
[ Sighs ]

The dogs are fiery
out there today.

Let's see the damage.

[ Gasps ]
Heavens to Murgatroyd.

This is a hair better
than Steven's picture.

Let me just say
what everyone's thinking --

I look great
in evening-wear.

From the mysterious depths
of the Marianas Trench

and brought here in chains
at no small expense,

I offer you...

The Crab Boy!

[ Applause ]
I pinch people and I'm crabby!

♪♪

I hear fancy seafood
restaurants

have offered millions
for him.

William: Does it bother
anybody else

that Crab Boy is wearing
a lobster costume?

[ Laughing ] Oh. The lobster's
the king of the crabs.

The king crab
is the king of the crabs.

Well, keep it to yourself,
Jerk Cousteau.

Fear me!
Carnival Barker: Watch out!

Those snapping claws
are razor sharp!

Back! Back into your tank,
Crab Boy!

Just a taste
of the gruesome wonders

awaiting you
inside the tent.

I'll admit it.

You've sucked me in.

I'd like to feed him
some shrimp, please.

This undermines the dignity
of the role I play

contributing to
our nation's defenses.

The only indignity here is them
giving you all the credit --

as if these kids fed off of
your insides for nine months.

Ten and a half
in Frank's case.

The guys at work are gonna
have all kinds of smarmy fun.

"Eight kids.
Mr. Productivity."

And I sure don't see us going
to that Pioneer dinner now --

everyone staring at me

like I'm one of those freaks
in a carnival sideshow.

By the way, I hear they have
an excellent Crab Boy.

Michael Cleary, I will not
let you use this

as an excuse to not
go to that banquet,

like two years ago, when you
suddenly came down with polio.

My foot fell asleep.
It was an honest mistake.

So you're getting
a little unwanted attention --

boo-hoo --
it'll pass.

This article might actually
do you some good at work.

Squeaky wheel
gets the grease.

No, the squeaky wheel
gets replaced!

That's just basic
wheel maintenance.

Timmy: Dad!
Dad, get in here! Now!

If he asks me to pick a card,
honest to God,

I'm going
to prison tonight.

Johnny Carson on TV:
...through the newspapers and, well,

it's an article
about a local man

who works at Logan Aerospace

right here in beautiful
downtown Burbank.

Holy moly.

I know! It's my first
appearance on "Carson"!

I just wish the other guests
were stronger.

Here he is, Mr. Mike Cleary,
with his eight children,

who was named
"Mr. Productivity."

[ Chuckles ]
I should say so. [ Exhales sharply ]

And it says
he's a machinist.

One could say
he's also a machine. [ Laughter ]

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

"It'll pass," Peg?

I'm a laughingstock!
Oh, come on.

I hear his wife
also won a prize --

"Mrs. Re-Productivity."

[ Laughter, applause ]
Thank you, Johnny.

Finally,
Mom gets a crumb.

♪♪

Marybeth:
Mike Cleary, please report to Mr. Crane's office.

[ Switch clicks ]

You'll be alright, Cleary.
Just don't get

[laughing]
Mr. Crane pregnant.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Mr. Crane,
I want to apologize

for the embarrassment
I've caused the company.

Believe me,
having eight children

was entirely
unintentional.

No need, Cleary.
I didn't see the Carson program,

but people who enjoy humor
told me it was humorous.

You're not angry?

On the contrary, we're always
looking to put a human face

on what we do here to balance
out the menacing shark faces

we sometimes
put on the missiles.

I should apologize
to you.

After all these years, I didn't
even know you had children.

In fairness,
when I'm here,

I'm trying my best
to forget them.

Considering the comedically
large size of your family,

I've decided to give you
a raise, effective immediately.

I thought
there was a wage freeze.

That's just something
companies say.

I'll eliminate the raises
for the unmarried guys

and for men with
three to four kids.

Mr. Crane,
I can't thank you enough.

[ Chuckles ]

The amount you just did
was entirely adequate.

Ta-da!

Joey: What's with the lavish
breakfast spread?

The refrigerator
broken again?

Please don't make me eat
another tub of margarine.

We're celebrating.

Sausage, bacon, ham.
That's a party in my book.

For everyone except the pig.
How about these cute, little eggs

Pat brought home
from the park?

I found a nest.

Congratulations
on your raise, Dad.

Well, credit
where credit's due.

It's thanks
to your mother.

Your father's being
too humble.

Although in this case,
he's right.

You boys need to learn
there is no sin in pride.

Actually, it's one of
the Seven Deadly ones,

right there between
sloth and gluttony.

Fine, it's a sin.

But it's a necessary one

if you want
to go places in life.

Do not be shy
about tooting your own horn.

Okay. Well, I just
taught myself

a very difficult
magic trick --

Mom talking.

Anyway, I'm done.

Well, however my horn
got tooted,

you kids showing up
paid off.

Mr. Crane saw this brood
and gave me a raise.

So, at your job,
people get paid more

if they have
more children?

Well, a breadwinner
with responsibilities

naturally gets a bit more than
some footloose single guy.

Yeah, or some gal
just working for pin money

till she lands
a husband. [ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna have
a hundred kids

so I can be
a millionaire!

Making babies
instead of working hard?

- I could get into that.
- Nobody said I don't work hard.

You said it yourself.
We got you this raise.

Now, back to this trick
I learned --

Nobody got me anything
that I didn't 100% deserve.

Well, in my opinion...
Oh, here we go.

...you absolutely
deserve the raise.

Oh.

Thank you, son.

Don't fall for it, Mike.
He's gonna keep talking.

The fact that Dad has so many
kids should be a factor.

His boss obviously believes
in needs-based compensation.

That's it exactly.
Listen to your brother.

"From each according
to his ability,

to each according
to his needs."

Well said.
Well, I can't take credit.

That's Karl Marx.

Wait. What?

[ Quietly ] I tried
to warn you, Mike.

So you're saying somehow
my raise is Marxism?

It's a good thing.
It's compassion.

Crane isn't just treating you
like a cog in a machine.

He doesn't want
your family to suffer.

Compassion?

I don't need Crane sticking
his compassion in my business.

This family will suffer
exactly as much as I want us to.

And more if the Church requires it.
Congratulations, Lawrence.

You've taken something
beautiful and American

like more money
and ruined it

with compassion
and Karl Marx!

The celebration's over.

[ Door opens ]

[ Quietly ] You're not
really upset, right?

This was just a scam
to make off with the meat.

I knew there was something
about that raise I didn't like.

It's forty-six more dollars
a week.

The only thing
not to like is that

they didn't
round up to fifty.

You heard Lawrence.
It's a socialist hand-out.

Like I'm in Red Square standing
in line for toilet paper.

But you earned
this toilet paper

with your service
to the company,

from which you have no problem
bringing home

toilet paper
all the time. Oh, it's not a hand-out

when they don't know
you're taking it.

I'm a self-made man,
Peg.

I like to think that the things
we have in our life, we deserve.

You really think
we deserve this?

If our life were merit-based,
I'd like to believe

we'd be doing a little better
than stealing toilet paper

and eating park eggs!

I can't accept
the raise, honey. I can!

It's for the kids, anyway,
and that's my area.

So while you're off at work
being all "self-made,"

I am cooking and cleaning
and in the backyard

yanking a lizard
out of Baby Andy's mouth.

He's got a new tooth.
Is he okay?

Ugh, like you care
about some lizard.

Look, that 46 bucks will make
things better in my life.

So call it communism
or Marxism or botulism,

I don't want to hear any more
about your pride.

It's a sin.
Did you know that?

They just added it
to the list.

If I compromise my principles,
I'm not the man you married.

♪♪

[ Door slams shut ]

Pretty sure I'd be just as happy
with the higher-paid guy.

♪♪

[ Telephone rings ]

Mr. Crane's office.

Is Mr. Crane there?

Not yet.
May I help you?

Uh, yeah. My husband works
in his department,

and he thinks Mr. Crane
gave him a Marxist raise.

A Marxist raise?
Mr. Crane?

Marxist, communist --
I don't know.

My husband thinks
he's in Red Square

waiting for Charmin.
And who's this Charmin?

Focus, please.

Look, Mr. Crane has
to convince my husband

his raise is
on the up-and-up,

even if the orders come straight
from the Kremlin himself.

Do you understand?

I think I do.

Yes. Thank you
for this information.

God bless America.

Whatever.

[ Receiver hangs up ]

An apple?
How'd this get in here?

Is the school nurse coming
to do a home check again?

That's from the carnival.
You can have it.

Huh.
[ Crunches ]

That was
very nice of you.

I already licked off
all the caramel anyway.

♪♪

♪ The Midwest farmers'... ♪

You finally won
your stupid visor?

I love it.
It's like having an extra arm

to do this
all the time.

And how many dollars
did you recklessly squander

winning
a 50-cent visor?

It's not about
the money, Frank.

I had a blast winning it.

Ah, the song
of the gullible.

You're exactly the type
of turnip-truck rube

that keeps those carnies
living like kings.

Like kings?
The guy in the goldfish booth

told me he gets to eat
the ones that die.

And I'm not sure
he waits all the way.

♪ I wish they...♪

Pat?
What are you doing here?

Crab Boy's supposed
to be onstage in...

two minutes ago!

Oh, I'm done
with that.

Oh, let me guess.
You want to direct.

You can't bail
on me now, kid.

Tonight's
the Sea Freak Extravaganza.

You're doing "Who's On First?"
with Squid Boy.

No, thank you.
Don't push him, Joey.

It's wrong
to force a child

into the cutthroat world
of entertainment --

a dog-eat-dog hellscape
which chews you up

and spits you out.

Unless your talent is...

♪ Undeniable ♪

[ Humming,
tap-dancing ]

♪♪

[ Scoffs ]

You really
feel that way, kid?

You're putting me
in sort of a tough spot.

I signed a contract.

What if I got you
more snacks, huh?

Snacks for my star?
It's not the snacks.

I've had some of the best shrimp
of my life this week.

I'm just done.

Don't say that.
You're my Crab Boy.

I am not a crab!

I am a human being

with crab-like
qualities!

You don't know
these carnie-folk.

If I don't find someone
to replace you,

I'll end up
in one of those jars.

Hello? Mr. Crane?

Fleming: Could you
come in here, please?

♪♪

Mr. Crane is currently
under investigation.

The dark shadow
of Soviet aggression

has crept its way
into Logan Aerospace.

These Tootsie Rolls
for anybody?

Hi there, Cleary.

That would be Cleary

as in
"Michael Cleary"?

Our security chief here

got a phone tip
that I was a communist.

Which, if I was,
I think I'd know.

On the other hand,
they are sneaky.

How are you mixed up
in all this,

and do you know
somebody named...

Charmin?

Listen, it's true that
Mr. Crane gave me a raise

for reasons which possibly
fly in the face

of free-market values.

But I wouldn't call him
a communist.

He drives
a brand-new Eldorado.

But if I was a communist,

isn't that exactly
what I would do?

Goodness.
It's all adding up.

I'm humorless, I thrive in
an anonymous bureaucracy,

and I once wrote
an effusive fan letter

to Olympic gymnast
Olga Korbut --

"The Sparrow from Minsk."

Look, I'm not sure what's
going on with Mr. Crane --

Oh, have no doubt.
I'm in big trouble here.

You really should
distance yourself.

I'm a patriotic
American.

I eat meat at every meal
and often as a snack.

So if I've been offered
a salary raise

under orders
from Leonid Brezhnev,

I cannot, in good conscience,
accept that money.

According to what
I see here,

your raise was
entirely merit-based,

and, frankly, you should've
gotten it two years ago.

Seriously, Crane?
Two years?

There was
a wage freeze.

You said that was just
something companies say.

Well, I obviously
can't be trusted.

Look at this jam
I'm in right now.

I'm never gonna see
my kids again, am I?

[ Chuckles ]

Turns out they've been
stiffing me for two years, Peg.

[ Laughing ]
Maybe more.

Then we've got cause
to celebrate.

Forty-six bucks.

We should get
to the banquet early

and tip the valet
to ding Helen's car.

Well, what's the point
of being rich

if we don't do good things
with our money? [ Laughs ]

You're still doing this?
You already won your dumb hat.

Yeah,
but it's fun, man.

Plus, with the visor,
I'm so much better at it.

Turns out the sun was
in my eyes for the first forty bucks.

[ Chuckles ]
[ Bottles clatter ]

Sammy, my friend,

another visor,
s'il-vous please.

Here you go, pal.
Visor con Dios.

You're not even
keeping them?!

It -- It makes no sense.
You're wasting money and visors.

It's not a waste.
I practiced all year,

and I'm really good
at this. But it's pointless.

The pointlessness
is the point.

You want
to be happy, Frank,

find something stupid that you
can do better than anybody else

and do it
a whole bunch.

[ Bottles clatter ]

From the farthest reaches
of the Swiss Alps,

spawn of man and beast,

brought in chains
at tremendous expense --

Mountain Goat Boy!

[ "Entry of the Gladiators"
playing ]

A miracle of balance
and nimbleness,

there is nothing
he cannot ascend

using only
his hind hooves!

[ Applause ]

[ Imitates goat ]

Hey, Frank!
Catch!

[ Crowd gasps ]

♪♪