All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E20.Timmys.New.Hobby.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Dooky_track3_[eng]

Man: We're looking at about
three months in that cast.

I wish that troublemaker
Garcon Fernandez

never set foot
in Springfield Springs.

Although he's
a top-notch surgeon,

especially for someone
with an eye patch.

Mm. Mommy?

Does everyone
have an evil twin?

Oh, Pat.
[ Pats leg ]

If anything, you're the evil
twin and the good Pat is out

making some other family
very happy. [ Door opens ]

I dropped those old magazines
off at the hospital for you.

Switched them out
for these newer ones.

"Eight fun projects
for moms and their kids."

Go work
on some of these.

And don't come running
to me for help.

Also got this.

I ran into
a guy from work.

He and his wife
just had a baby.

Idiots.
I know, right?

[ Chuckles ]

You don't smoke cigars.

I don't read "Family Circle"
either,

but I'll take one home
if it's free.

[ Both chuckle ]

Guess who else I saw out
by the hospital this morning?

Hm?
Joey.

What do you suppose
that chucklehead is up to?

Nothing good
if history is prologue.

Geez Louise,
Frank.

I should tie a bell
around your neck.

Real tight.

So where exactly
was Joey this morning?

I think
it was the corner of

"mind your own
business"

and "nobody likes
a snitch."

That sounds like
a dicey neighborhood.

I need to borrow the car
and your Polaroid camera.

[ Sighs ]

Fine.

But no more pictures
of the Millers' dog.

He's not a wolf,

and the city is tired
of calling you about it.

That will be one sweet
"I told you so"

when Snowball
eats a baby.

Adult Timmy:
Normally, I wouldn't consider doing crafts in my bedroom

for fear of getting glue
on the sheets...

[ Inhales sharply ]
Oh, crud.

...and the resulting thumping
from my mom,

but I had good reason to try

and keep my latest project
top secret.

Hi, I'm Jimmy Dreary,

the only fun and talented member
of the Dreary Family.

[ As Peggy ]
Nobody in this house is allowed to be fun or talented!

We can't afford it!

As you can see, the TV show
you are watching now

was not my first attempt

to exploit my family
for comedy. [ Laughter ]

[ As Mike ] Hey, don't yell
at the kid.

I want to do it.
I was in the war!

I chose the library
for my venue,

figuring no one at home
would find out about it,

given my mom's
general disdain for books... [ Door opens ]

...and the people
who read them.

But my family had
a few rogue intellectuals.

[ As Billy ]
I'm Billiam, and I'm the dork in the Dreary Family.

Woman: Come on, honey.
Congratulations on the show.

Or should I say
"unauthorized hatchet-job"?

Okay, please don't tell
Mom and Dad.

You guys weren't
supposed to see this.

Didn't you consider that

the "weird know-it-all
brother, Billiam,"

who practically
lives at the library,

might be
at the library?

Hanging out in the --
how did you put it --

"'I am a nerd
with no friends' section"?

Read the disclaimer
on the side of my puppet stage.

"Any similarity
to persons living or dead

is purely coincidental

and a tribute
to excellent puppetry."

Legally,
you can't touch me.

♪♪

Peggy: Mike, can I see you
a minute?

Unfortunately, my mom
found the glue on my sheet,

but hilariously, her mind
went to a very different place.

I pulled this sheet
off of Timmy's bed this morning,

and -- well...

just look at it.

Why?
What am I looking at?

Oh.
You're looking at disgusting "boy-activity."

What are we
gonna do about this?

I guess put the soap in
and press the buttons?

I don't want
to know this about Timmy.

He still has bath toys,
for Pete's sake.

Well, now he has
a different bath toy.

This is unacceptable,
Mike.

You tell him
to knock it off.

Well, that's not
something I want to do.

Hey, we have
eight children.

All we do is stuff
we don't want to do.

This was an uncomfortable area
for my dad

because he knew a bit more
about this activity

than he was eager
to admit with my mom.

Eddie?

Eddie,
where'd you go?

Eddie: [ Muffled ] Oh, I'm --
I'm in here, Dad.

Just making
a phone call.

♪♪

All right.

♪♪

[ Quietly ] I just found
two more spots.

Either you say something
to Timmy or I will.

Fine.
I'll speak to the boy.

I had to pull my church blouse
out of there

'cause I didn't want it
mixed up with Timmy's business.

He didn't think my mom
could understand because,

in Dad's mind --
in all our minds --

she was immune to such
impulses. [ Washing machine rattling ]

If my mother ever did indulge,

she did so with an absolute
lack of awareness or guilt.

[ Sighs ]

[ Washing machine clanking ]

[ Glass rattling ]

[ Box thuds ]

Having seen him
steal Dad's cigar,

Frank followed Joey,

eager to catch him
in some cigar-related mischief.

The old people
only made Joey's behavior

that much more intriguing.

Another piece
of the puzzle.

And nursing homes
have lots of puzzles.

[ Indistinct conversations,
coughing ]

One more bite,
Mrs. Evans.

Let's make that last tooth
earn its keep.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Camera whirs ]
There's my girl.

Flash me
that pearly white.

Here you go.
[ Camera whirs ]

Be sure to switch off the oxygen
before you light that up. Mm-hmm.

Darlene: Joey.

It's time
for Mr. Franklin's bath.

Well, we can
skip the bubbles,

because Mr. Franklin
makes his own.

♪♪

Joey is being kind
to old people?

Old people
can be a lot of fun,

and they always
seem to remember

"when this was
all orange groves."

I find it
hard to believe

that Joey is suddenly
a decent person.

You're being judgmental.

You can't know
what's in somebody's heart.

I once saw two men
dressed as Easter Bunnies

pummel each other
outside of a nursery school.

On the one hand,
they give eggs to children.

On the other hand,

tremendous violence.
See?

No.

People and bunnies
are complicated.

And when you
make them mad,

they can both
get racist.

♪♪

[ Cartoon plays
on television ]

[ Sighs ]

How about you and me
going out back?

Play a little catch.

This was a startling request
from my father,

who had never before initiated
any sports activity with me.

Was he dying?

Or worse --

was I dying?

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

Well, look who got
her hair done, you foxy mama.

You'll be short-circuiting
pacemakers tonight.

You smooth-talker.

Oh, Mr. Hollis
knows what I mean.

I bet things get pretty
freaky-deaky around here

when the lights
go out at 7:00.

Ah, Frank.

Why are you here?

I followed you.

Because I was --
Nosy.

A weasel-faced loser.
Have no life of your own.

I'll admit,
when I discovered you

volunteering
at a nursing home,

I figured you must be
up to no good,

like maybe
stealing catheters

to sell
on the black market.

I knew a guy who bought
a boat selling catheters.

People who need catheters
really need catheters.

They don't haggle.

I then realized,
shockingly,

that you were just
being a very nice person.

You try acting
like this "cool cat,"

but doing good deeds for others
with no thought of reward --

[chuckles]
that is the coolest thing any cat can do.

It's no use trying to tell Joey
he's a decent person.

He'll just say
something mean

to try to cover up
what a softy he is.

Angela, this is
my stupid brother, Frank.

I'm going to need a hand giving
Mr. Anders a bath again.

[ Scoffs ]
Yesterday, we had to wrestle him into the tub.

Old coot forgot to take
his seizure medication.

[ Laughs ]
Our clothes got soaking wet.

They certainly did.

Angela and I had to lie out
in the sun together to dry off.

I fell asleep
for a while.

I know.
I watched you.

Just to keep
the bees off.

A gentleman.

♪♪

[ Coughing ]

You're doing
a great job there, Angela.

Mrs. Persky, if you're
hanging on, don't.

That is a hairdo
for meeting Jesus.

Don't you listen
to him, Mrs. Persky.

That's how
he flirts. [ Chuckles ]

I knew it.

You're not here to be
a decent human being.

You just want to get
your jollies off with Angela,

who is a million times
too good for you.

[ Chuckles ]
Of course she is.

Bad girls are fun,
but turning a good girl bad --

that's when they write songs
about you.

I wrote a song
about you already.

It's called
"Joey is Despicable."

I prefer the B-side
to that one --

"Joey Makes Out
With Angela."

Yesterday, during
Mr. Anders' seizure,

I almost made my move.

But then the paramedics
showed up

and killed the vibe.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Sighs ]

You're a regular
Don Drysdale.

Yeah, he was great
when he guest-starred

on "The Brady Bunch."

He's got a natural,
nuanced acting style.

That's sort of
my stock-in-trade.

I know him
more from baseball. [ Chuckles ]

So, listen, your mom was
doing your laundry today --

She finally
washed my cape.

[ Ball thuds ]
I'm down to my rehearsal cape,

and people are starting
to comment.

That's not what
they're commenting on.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

Here's the thing.

Your mom told me
to talk to you about...

...something I really
don't want to tell you.

I knew it!
She shrunk my cape, didn't --

No, it's not about
the cape, okay?

But look,
she's not gonna let up

until she thinks I talked
to you about this thing,

so we're gonna
take this ball

and toss it
back and forth

and make it look like
a good conversation.

And then we'll go inside,
and you'll say,

"Great talk, Dad,"
right in front of her.

You got it?
Yeah.

So my motivation
is we had a great talk.

As long
as you say the words.

That was a fantastic
conversation, Father. [ Door closes ]

[ Whispering ]
I apologize. I kind of put my own spin on it.

Mr. Avery, you left your teeth
on your breakfast tray.

You'll need them for lunch.

We're having ribs
and corn on the cob.

I don't know
who's planning these menus.

[ Chuckles ]
You'll have to help him get those chompers in.

And you might want
to pick out the spinach.

Frank, Mrs. Porter needs
her toenails cut.

[ Inhales sharply ]
Ooh, Mrs. Porter's talons.

I noticed
they were getting long

when they cut through
her shower slippers.

She's asleep,
so now's a good time.

Be careful
not to startle her.

Our last volunteer
needed stitches.

I'll miss
Mrs. Porter's claws.

You can always hear her
when the mailman comes,

tap-tapping across
the tile floor.

♪♪

My dad was having
second thoughts

about his "talk" with me.

Sure, he got my mom
off his back,

but he hadn't actually told me

to stop doing the thing
I wasn't even doing.

Hey, Timmy,

[muffled] why is
this door closed?

I just wanted
a little alone time.

It was then my dad
decided to quit fooling around

and handle things the way he
should have in the first place.

You're asking me to tell
Timmy to stop doing it?

We all know
that's not gonna happen.

But he should at least
have the good sense

to be ashamed
about it.

I'm not interested
in making him feel shame.

Why not?
Shame is good.

It's the only thing
stopping this activity

from taking over
his life.

It's hard enough getting
Timmy to do his homework.

I don't want
to give him a complex.

Shame does a lot of damage
to society.

It's the reason
we have society.

If Adam and Eve
hadn't felt ashamed,

nobody would've
invented pants.

Because we had pants,
we needed closets.

Closets led to houses.
Houses led to towns.

Boom, we're on the moon
before the Russians.

Shame also leads
to hang-ups.

Our culture's too repressed
about sex.

For my money,

we're not
repressed enough.

"Sock it to me, baby.
I'm on the pill."

Everybody
"lettin' it all hang out."

I say
tuck it back in.

Especially in front
of your mother.

She doesn't need to know
about that stuff.

He does need to be
more considerate of Mom.

Exactly, she's the one
who has to deal

with the sheets
around here.

And the towels.

And the vacuum cleaner
attachments.

[ Chuckles ]

Frank: You're one of
God's creatures.

[ Nail clippers snap ]
You're one of God's creatures.

I mean,
one of his weirder ones,

like one you'd find
in Australia.

Angela: I heard you got stuck
with this grody job.

I don't mind.
Tell you what.

I'll start
on the other hoof.

Oh, poor Mrs. Porter.

Every day,
she gets shorter

and these things
just get longer.

[ Snap ]

You are a very good
person, Angela.

Aww.
[ Snap ]

You too, Frank.
[ Snap ]

Yes, that is
my curse.

Which is why I must
tell you something...

[ Snap ]
...that you won't want to hear about Joey.

What,

that he's trying
to jump my bones?

[ Scoffs ] Believe me,

I've known slick operators
like Joey my whole life.

[ Snap ]
I know what all boys want.

I don't want it.

I mean, until I'm in
a committed relationship

sanctioned by God
and my mother. [ Snap ]

Maybe we shouldn't
be talking like this.

[ Snap ]

I've overstepped,
and I apologize.

No, I'm just worried about
getting a toenail in my mouth. [ Snap ]

[ Chuckles ]
Trust me, nothing is going to happen between me and Joey.

[ Chuckles ]
He'll be crushed.

May I tell him?

I'd rather you didn't.

It's what's keeping him
motivated.

Joey's good with
the oldsters here.

They love him --
even the ones who don't think

he's a neighbor boy
from their childhood. [ Snap ]

So he is doing
a good deed for no reward.

He just
doesn't know it.

Unlike you, who's here
for the right reasons... [ Chuckles ]

...and even wanted to warn me
about your brother. [ Snap ]

You are
a sweetheart, Frank,

and much more
the kind of boy

I'm interested
in getting involved with.

♪♪

Uh...

Uh, I should go
get a broom to sweep these up.

They could pop the tire
on a wheelchair.

That's the lavatory!
[ Groans ]

♪♪

Hey, little man!
You got a sec?

What's up?

[ Sighs,
clicks tongue ]

Here.

You might want to start
keeping a box by your bed.

In case I have
to blow my nose?

Or any other use

you have no reason
to be embarrassed about.

You're right.
[ Chuckles ]

I can make tissue ghosts
out of these.

Or...whatever else
you feel the urge to do. Oooh!

Oooh!
Uh, what is important

is that you feel good
about yourself. Whoo-oo!

I feel great
about myself.

I made this spooky guy
in, like, two seconds,

and it looks
totally real.

Yeah.
Oooh!

Timmy, just listen.

Whoo--oo-oo!
Timmy -- Okay, yeah -- Okay, Timmy, just --

Boo!
Cut it out.

Look, I know about
your new secret activity.

You do?
Yeah.

Did that rat William
tell you?

No.

You've been
a little messy with it,

and it's not fair to Mom,
who has to clean up after you.

Mom knows?
I don't think so...

No, no, no.
...yet.

Mom can't know.

Well, there's no reason
she has to.

But you know about it,
and you're not mad at me?

God, no!
It's beautiful and natural.

I did the same thing
when I was your age.

I doubt with the same level
of pageantry.

That's the spirit!
Celebrate yourself, brother.

Just, you know,

do your best
to keep it private.

But the whole point
is having an audience.

An audience?

I really
feed off their energy.

I got a good reaction
when I did it at the library.

But they insisted
I do it quietly

and only in
the children's section.

Stop.

What are you
talking about?

My puppet show.

And you're right,
it is natural and beautiful.

I'm gonna
quote you in my flyer.

[ Chuckles ]

Eddie: What were
the toenails like?

Were they like...?

Pointier,
more like Doritos.

Gross.

And then this girl
just...kissed me,

bold as you please.

And I don't even
know her middle name.

Unreal, Frank!

Your first kiss.

It's not
my first kiss.

After her Mediterranean
cruise,

Mrs. Strausser and I
started doing this

sort of European
greeting thing.

Elderly cheek kisses with
your neighbor don't count.

I guess it was
my first kiss then.

I'll have to tell my future wife
these lips have a past.

Maybe you'll end up
with Angela.

Right, a girl
who pounces on me

10 minutes
after we meet?

Nice try,
Mary Magdalene.

Go peddle your goodies
elsewhere.

You said
you liked her.

I do.

She's fun, and --
and she's so confident.

But how do you
respect a girl

who just goes around
kissing people willy-nilly?

Look...

every person
is lots of things --

some good things,
some not-so-good,

and sometimes
all mixed up.

You don't want to be
too quick to judge,

especially yourself.

Another piece
of advice? Sure.

Start seeing less
of Ol' Lady Strausser.

Let her down easy,

but that's more about her hip
than anything else.

♪♪

Now that I knew some of
my family were catching on,

I took Lawrence's warning about
not leaving a mess for Mom.

♪♪

Hey, hon!

The dead raccoon
is still in the street

in front of
the apartment building.

That's the problem
with renters --

no pride
of ownership.

I found this Sears Catalog
in Timmy's room,

and look
what he did to it.

The pages are
all stuck together.

Oh, boy.

And for some odd reason,
it's "women's coats."

Well, at that age,
it doesn't take a lot.

What are we supposed
to do, Mike?

Get rid of everything
with a woman's picture?

"Hide the Mrs. Butterworth's
bottle.

Timmy's on the make."

Well, if they produced
a better syrup,

they wouldn't need
to sex it up.

The brass
of that kid.

And after you gave him
that talking-to,

he's still in there,
guns a-blazin'.

[ Sighs ]
The thing is...

I didn't really
talk to him, Peg.

You were out there
throwing a ball for twenty minutes with that klutz.

You better have talked
to him, 'cause that was painful to watch.

I didn't
bring it up with him

because I don't
really agree with you.

You're saying we have
different opinions on this?

I am.
Oh, I guess one of us

wants our kids to grow up
to be solid, tax-paying citizens

when the other one
wants them ending up

in a sex-maniac ward
at the nuthouse.

Look, if we overreact,

we might give him
"a complex," okay? [ Sighs ]

[ Laughs ]
Look, what Timmy is doing is normal.

Every boy does it.

It's part
of being a man.

Do you do it?

[ Chuckles ]

No.
Of course not.

But I'm the exception.

And this may
come as a shock,

but I'm pretty sure
our older boys

are blazin'
their guns, as well.

[ Groans ]
They're doing it, it's part of life,

and, honestly,
it's none of our business.

None of our business?

Are we even raising
these kids anymore?

Yeah, but when they
cross that line

into stuff that makes us
sick to our stomach,

it's time to give them
some privacy.

Or I could just teach
our child some self-control.

Privacy.

Like we're one of those
hoity-toity families

with a lock
on the bathroom door.

[ As Mike ] Check out
this microwave

I brought home, kids.

I like it more
than I like any of you.

Mike: [ Muffled ]
Son, your mom and I

and our open eyes
are coming in.

Honestly, there's no way
he's at it again --

[ Sighs ]

One cup detergent, hot water,
regular cycle.

It's your turn.
[ Sighs ]

Hey, can you guys
come back later?

I was thinking
of taking a nap.

Oh, God.
Well, it does make you sleepy, Peg.

What?
What are we all talking about?

No, you don't.
Get out, and stay out!

Okay, geez!
I know what you've been up to.

Mom, I really
don't think you do.

Timmy, go ahead, show them
what's under those covers.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, no!

It's not what you guys think.
Go ahead.

There's no reason
to hide it.

Oh, my sweet
and gentle Jesus.

Just my puppets.

And sorry, I got some more glue
on the sheets.

You've been in here
playing with puppets?

[ Doorbell rings ]
Honestly,

and after
all the fuss you made...

Hi, can I
talk to Frank, please?

[ Dog barking ]
You can.

But it won't be fun
or interesting.

Hey, Frank!

There's a pretty girl here
to see you

for no discernible
reason.

♪♪

Then you looked at me horrified
and just ran out.

I'm ready to call that
a mistake.

It felt insulting
after Mrs. Porter's toenails

that me kissing you
was the thing

that sent you
screaming out of that room.

If you'd be interested
in trying that kiss again,

I promise
this time not to cry.

You cried?
What?

No.
[ Chuckles ]

Isn't Frank
the sly one?

I never pictured him
as a lady-killer,

except maybe the kind
you see on the news.

Back away
from the window, Peg.

If you think watching Timmy
try to play catch was painful...

We have seen a lot
of horrible things today.

I don't know,
maybe you're right

about giving the kids
more privacy.

Well, it's not so much
for them as for us.

Well, you should've said that
in the first place.

I'd have been onboard
right away.

[ Chuckling ] God.

I feel really bad about
the way that I reacted today.

I can be pretty judgmental
about girls,

thanks to my mother.

She set this impossible
standard of excellence.

The mean lady
at the door? Isn't she great?

What you did bugged me so much,
I couldn't just let it go.

I don't like
to let that stuff build up.

It might make me
do something crazy.

Crazy -- like kissing me again
right now,

when I'm totally
braced for it?

More like vandalism...

or shoplifting...

or burning
my boyfriend's car.

You have a boyfriend?
Ex-boyfriend.

He loved that car.

You should know, Frank,

I don't volunteer at the nursing
home just out of kindness.

It's court ordered
for juvenile offenders.

Juvenile offend--

I'm not judging.

Although it sounds like
there was a judge involved.

I am on
a better path now,

but if you can't
handle a kiss,

you will definitely freak out
over the rest of the package.

A lot of guys
have left me

feeling pretty bad
about myself...

A lot of guys?

Not judging.
Don't burn my car.

I am not putting myself
through that again.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Angela.

Hi, Joey.

Angela.

Congrats, man.

Gotta say,
I'm impressed.

And not too proud
to extend my hand

when the better man
wins.

I blew it.

She told me
she's not interested.

And the world makes sense
once again.

♪♪

I keep thinking how we're
gonna have to relive

that filthy milestone
with three more kids.

Four.

Timmy didn't know what the hell
we were talking about today.

[ Groans ]

Men are animals.

[ Indistinct talking,
wood chopping on television ]

[ Inhales deeply ]

I'm gonna have to go

and put a load
in the wash.

That woman is a saint.