All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E15.Nine.Birthdays.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Dooky_track3_[eng]

Adult Timmy: Growing up,
we rarely got any individual

attention from my mom.

And you didn't really want it.

Why can't you be taller?

What's the point of
feeding you

if you're not
doing anything with it?

The nurse at school
said I lost an inch.

But one day a year was
different -- our birthdays.

Mom went to town
with the arts and crafts.

Her chosen media --
construction paper,

Elmer's Glue, and garbage.

All:
♪ Happy birthday, dear William ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Timmy: Make a wish!
[ Camera whirring ]

I wish I could see.

Just paw around
till you hit frosting.

Congratulations.
10 is a milestone.

I'm finally
off the kids' menu.

At the movies,
you're still 9.

I found a dime in my cake.

As a treat,
when I mixed the batter,

I threw in
all the spare change

from your father's car
ashtray.

There's cake money?

Mm-hmm.
Oh!

Hey!
Stop stabbing my cake!

- I just want the money!
- Hey!

Don't run
with that knife!

You might fall
and bend it.

William: Joey! Hey! Stop!
Here's the old candles, Mom.

They're getting
pretty stubby.

Well, if you kids
sang the song faster,

it might stretch
for a few more birthdays.

Oh, just toss 'em, Peg.

There's nothing you
can do with those.

Two fun facts
about my mother --

she liked a creative challenge

and didn't like my father
telling her what to do.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Andy doesn't get a wish?

Oh, he'd just waste it on
a rattle or a diaper change.

What do people think
of my Pinocchio?

Made it out of
used birthday candles

and real hair I salvaged
from the shower drain.

Oh, that's what that
weird smell is.

What you're smelling
is me being right.

You told me I should
throw those candles away.

[ Knife clatters ]

Lawrence!
Hey.

You came down
from the seminary.

Boy howdy,
look at that hair.

I know, it's getting
a little shaggy.

A little?
You look like Cousin Itt.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

[ Cartoon music plays ]

You missed cake.
Where were you?

Timmy: Hanging around
the "Brady Bunch" house

hoping to be discovered.

Was Marcia there?

Ah, she's a fox.

I could go for Jan, too.

She's insecure --

I can work with that.
Nobody was there.

They don't even film
the show at that house.

Showbiz is all lies.

I can't wait to be
a part of it.

Boy, that Casper
is one friendly ghost.

We will be seeing more of him
later...or not!

He's a ghost!

Adult Timmy:
"Boxcar Benji" was a local show back in the good ol' days

when homelessness
was still funny.

Boxcar Benji: Let's have all
the birthday boys and girls

come on out here
and strut their stuff.

Adult Timmy:
That's when it hit me -- this show could be a way

to finally get my adorable mug on television.
Boxcar Benji: ♪ Check your bindles at the door ♪

Certainly all the big agents watched "Boxcar Benji."
♪ Boogie on down to the dance floor ♪

I was this close to being discovered.
♪ With Boxcar Benji on your special day ♪

Man, these kids are embarrassing themselves.
♪ Living life the hobo way ♪

I've got to get
on this show. ♪ Boxcar Benji ♪

It's a hot ticket.

I could get you in.

It'll cost you 20 bucks.

And a hug.

You want a hug?

Not really, but it's funny
to make you do it.

Come on. Get in here!

This Nixon candle
is really good.

My Young Republican club
could sell these

to raise money
for the campaign.

That's Pinocchio,
not Nixon.

Either way,
it's a good notion.

We're setting up a table
at the swap meet.

We can donate all the proceeds

to the Committee to Re-Elect.

What do I know
about politics?

You made a spot-on sculpture
of Richard Nixon.

I did, didn't I?

Well, I'd need more wax.

I suppose I could ask

Helen Portollo
from the Altar Society

to save
the old church candles.

Show owes me a favor since
I pretend to be her friend.

You won't be sorry, honey.

Some day when you tell folks
you were a Nixon supporter,

they'll look at you
in a certain way.

Hmm.
Amen.

Adult Timmy:
On Eddie's birthday every year,

Mom went to twice
as much trouble.

Want any more pancakes?
No thanks, Mom.

It seems Eddie had a twin
with him in the womb

who disappeared during
the first trimester.

Mom had made her mind up that
the vanishing twin was a girl.

And Eddie forever
carried the stigma

of having absorbed
his sister "Lynn."

Sure you don't
want any more?

Bad things happen
when you're hungry.

I'm fine.

Then it's time to go.

Peggy, Eddie, and Pat:
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lynn ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ And many more ♪

[ Clicks tongue ]

[ Blows air ]

Lynn's here.
We've stirred her!

Look!

Oh, nonsense.

Lynn's up in Heaven.

And she wouldn't be wearing
denim on her birthday.

Maybe she's come
for revenge.

This is gonna be
distracting.

Please ask that girl
to leave the cemetery.

[ Sighs ]

Eddie: It's just one day a year.
It's just one day a year.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Sorry to bother you,

especially
if you're grieving.

But could you please mourn
someplace else?

You're scaring
my little brother.

He thinks you're
the ghost of my dead twin

who I absorbed in the womb.

I get that a lot.

What's with the camera?
Is this somebody famous?

The original Lassie
is buried here somewhere.

He was really a boy,
by the way.

This is the grave
of Jean Kittering.

The first women doctor
in this area.

So, who did women go to
before he came along?

A woman doctor,
not a doctor for women.

So he wouldn't
treat women?

No, she was a woman.

Oh!

And I assumed
because Jean was a doctor

she couldn't be a woman.

That's a nice reminder
that women can do anything.

Except play Lassie...

who is around here
somewhere.

Because it's somebody's
birthday!

Is it?

[ TV audience shouts
"Yeah!" ]

No?!
Here you are. "Boxcar Benji."

- Outstanding.
- I thought so.

"All audience members must be
10 years of age or younger."

Oh, no problem.

My headshot says
I can play 8 to 25.

An "ID will be required."

I'll get you
a fake ID, easy.

I-I could even get you
a pilot's license.

By the way,
if you ever hear,

"This is your captain,
Warren Ashby,"

I suggest
a hasty disembark.

[ Doorbell chimes ]

Boxcar Benji:
♪ Check your bindles at the door ♪

April Portollo?
[ Laughs ]

Last time I saw you
was the fourth grade,

we were playing
hide and seek.

Well, then I'd say I won.
[ Laughs ]

My mom asked me to drop
these off for your mom.

Yeah, she needs wax
for her Nixon project.

I thought Agnew
was the one made of wax.

And Nixon was made out of lies
and children's tears.

Well, my dad says
that in these tough times,

we need a strong leader
like Nixon.

Hmm. What do you say?

Even Catholics are entitled
to think for themselves.

Hmm. I guess I repeat
what my dad says,

just in a less
frightening tone.

Wendi: How often do you
come out here?

Eddie:
Just for my birthday.

Which would have been
Lynn's birthday, too,

if I hadn't hogged
all the amniotic fluid.

That's so strange,
because I crave amniotic fluid.

[ Imitating ghost ]
Oooooooooh.

I'm kidding.
[ Laughing ]

If I was
your sister's ghost,

would I ask you to
take me out some time?

You heard all
my weird family stuff

and you still want
to go out with me? [ Paper rustles ]

You're cute,

plus you know
a lot about Lassie.

I do.

For the dangerous stunts,

they used a Shetland pony
in a collie suit.

But I'll save the rest
for our date. [ Motor whirring in distance ]

I should go before
I change my mind.

Thank you, Lynn!

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no! No, no! Aah! No!

[ Gasping ]

[ Panting ]

Oh.

There's Lassie.

Kids, let's go!
Birthday time!

Adult Timmy:
My mom got pretty busy making and selling candles for Nixon.

It fell to our dad to take over
when it came to our birthdays.

Where's all
the decorations?

Here.
Turn this into a crown.

All:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ The song's almost over ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

Make a wish.

There aren't
any candles.

Just blow on the cake
so we can eat it.

I'll help.

I'm definitely not
having any now.

Enjoy your spit cake.

Want to go get his present?

Or you could go
get his present.

I worked a long day,

stopped to get dinner
and a cake on my way home,

so I guess now
I'll go to our bedroom

and get Frank
that present

we put
a lot of thought into.

[ Chuckles ]

I know a lucky boy
who's getting a shoe tree.

Yes!
[ Door closes ]

Hey.
Did I miss Frank's birthday?

I bought him a shaving kit.

Oh, so thoughtful.
This is from me now.

So you're still in
the candle business?

I just hope these Nixon people
put the money to good use.

Yeah, buy more
fear-mongering TV ads.

Yeah, those are very good.

Vote for Nixon or ka-boom!

Yeah.

It's good to see you
doing your own thing, Mom.

You've always been
so talented, yeah.

It's time other people
saw that.

Ugh, people.

I like making stuff
for our family.

But now that I'm part of
the Nixon administration,

who has the time?

Other than the shaving kit,

I really dropped the ball
on Frank's birthday.

Then stop making candles.

Dad'll understand.

Then Nixon loses,
the Reds take over,

the whole country's
mad at me?

No thanks.

Mom, Pat's choking!
[ Coughing in distance ]

[ Sighs ]

Whoever invented candle-making
did not have kids.

- [ Coughs ]
- Under control, Peg.

Just a coin from the cake.
Dad had me stick a few quarters in.

Quarters?
We use dimes and pennies.

Quarters are much too
generous.

Oh, so this is my fault?
[ Pat coughing, coin jingles ]

Oh, it's out.

Peggy: Gosh. Honestly.

Peg, this isn't working.

I had to bring home Sara Lee
and McDonald's tonight.

I don't want these kids

to start expecting
the finer things.

It's this candle
rigmarole.

I was just saying
to Lawrence -- That you're gonna give it up?

Well, actually --
Because you've really been

letting things slide
around here.

Look, I know
your heart's set on it,

but I'm putting
my foot down.

You're putting
your foot where?

As usual, talking
to my mom like this

just made her do the opposite
of what he wanted --

even though it was the opposite
of what she wanted, too.

I'm putting it down, Peg.

This candle nonsense
is done.

Over the years, my parents
perfected a kind of arguing...

Candles for sale.

...where one of them
would lose...

Nixon fundraising candles.

...and the other one would
somehow also lose.

I just wanted to say
happy birthday, son.

You get that care package
Mom sent?

Yeah, I wore my crown
to breakfast

and got quite the ribbing.

You know, you'd think the
Catholic Church would have

a little bit more acceptance
for people in funny hats.

I know your mom
will miss seeing you --

she's soft that way.

Peg, you want to say
hey to Lawrence?

I'm good.
They're $4 apiece.

Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

These weirdos aren't buying
our candles patriotically.

They just want to mock
our President. Who cares?

I'm outselling everyone,
even the sturdy woman

who makes pottery.

Oh, your wax effigies
are lovely, dear.

Oh. They're really excellent,
aren't they?

I do watercolor portraiture
myself.

Would you be interested
in an artist's trade?

Careful, that could be
beatnik code for a drug deal.

Shh, artists are talking.

I could paint
a portrait of you

in exchange for one
of your pieces.

Oh, I would never want
a picture of myself.

I'm not that crazy.
Oh. [ Chuckles ]

What I'd really love
is a painting

of my unborn
daughter Lynn.

Oh.

All right, Peg,
you about done here?

Not even close, these things
are selling like hot-pants.

Well, I got to go.

I've got family
responsibilities --

child supervision,
lawn maintenance --

the kind of things I put
before any frivolous hobbies.

Got it.

But would you mind
taking this empty box

we brought the candles in?

There you go.
Oh, wait, this one's empty, too.

And this one.
This one, too.

Gosh, guess I sold
more of my frivolous hobbies

than I realized today.

Helen: Peggy!

Oh, hi, Helen.

I've been dying
to catch up with you. Oh.

Steven and I just
got back from Acapulco.

I can see your tan.
Not all of it!

The way the beaches
are down there...

[ Hushed ]
...I'm the same color all over.

Oh.

You know,
you and Mike should go.

Maybe someday
when we're older,

like you and Steven.

Well, why wait?

I mean, you don't have
to stay where we stayed.

There's plenty of
lower-priced options.

These are so clever.
Mm.

You know, when you asked me
for the used altar candles,

I was really worried
that the electric company

had finally
shut off your lights.

Eddie: Here's some more
Pinocchios, Mom.

They're Nixons now,
keep up.

I just saw
Lynn's ghost!

She followed me here!

You saw the girl
from the cemetery?

Where?
This way.

There's also a dead bird
you can pet for free.

You know, my friend runs
the Spencer Gifts

at the new Eagle Rock mall.

It's very, very upscale --
I'm sure you haven't been there.

But I bet that
she could sell these.

You think my little doodads

are good enough
to sell at the mall?

Oh, please, you wouldn't
believe the tacky junk

people waste their money
on these days.

Why don't I
just take a few to her

and see what she thinks.

Oh, Helen,
that is so kind of you.

Gosh,
I just don't understand

why people say
such awful things about you.

[ Laughs ]

Ernie.
Meet my brother.

[ Hushed ] I-I'd like
a false ID, please.

I need to be 10 years old
to go to "Boxcar Benji."

A 10-year-old with
a driver's license

is gonna look suspicious.

Except in Honduras.

They got kid taxi drivers.

That place is a mess.

I got to get down there
before the party's over.

A passport ought to do it.
Fill this out.

Have it back to you
in a couple weeks.

Thanks, Ernie.
All right.

Hey, you're forgetting
something.

She's in there.

I didn't know ghosts
went to the bathroom.

Or girls.
Boy-oh-boy,

I've been trying to find this
girl since my birthday,

but I didn't even
catch her name.

Her name is Lynn
and now she's pooping.

Thanks for the help,

but when she comes out,
play it cool.

Oh, I know how to be
with women.

You look beautiful,
Lynn.

And that was the day
it was finally confirmed

that Pat needed --

Glasses! I got glasses!

Here, Frank.

We short-changed you
on your birthday,

so I got you something,
too.

A glasses repair kit?
Those glasses aren't cheap.

It won't be long before
that kid -- They broke.

The gift of responsibility.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

I just got my passport
in the mail.

Look at that
raised lettering.

For a low-life,
Ernie does exemplary work.

But it says
I'm from Denmark.

And he gave you
a bitchin' name, too.

"Donk Slimhammer."

The whole point was to make
"Timmy Cleary" famous.

I think
it's Donk's time to shine.

Timmy Cleary, eh.

Donk Slimhammer,
that guy's going places.

Peggy: I'm here!

We can start
Pat's birthday now.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, you guys
started without me.

Is that Mom?

And you gave him
his glasses,

even though I'm the one
who found them on a bus bench.

You sound like my mom.

You're so busy, Peg,

I never know
when you're gonna show up.

And where's
everybody else?

Oh -- Eddie had a thing,
Timmy had a thing,

Joey didn't have a thing
but he had no interest.

Family birthdays
are like Mass

on the Feast of the
Most Holy Blood of Saint Boniface --

attendance is mandatory.

Except for you.

Okay, you know what, Mike?

Don't worry about it.

I'll just do everything --
I'll do the birthdays

and I'll single-handedly get
our President re-elected.

But right now
I'm gonna go bake Pat

an old-fashioned, home-made
birthday cake from a box.

I already have a cake.
You're getting another one!

♪♪

[ Exhales sharply ]

Hey, there's a present for Timmy
in the closet there.

Can I help, Momma?

I don't know,
Pat, can you?

No.

What the heck
is this?

You're getting Timmy a picture
of Eddie wearing pigtails?

It's a look
you might consider.

It frames your face
nicely.

Peggy: No.
You grabbed the wrong tube.

That's the Lynn painting I got
from that swap meet weirdo.

That doesn't look
like Lynn at all.

This is crazy, Mom,
you have to stop.

You've hung this Lynn thing
over me for way too long,

trying to make me feel guilty

for something
I had nothing to do with.

You were the last one
to see her.

I didn't even
have eyes yet!

It was a long time ago,
Mom.

If we can forgive the Germans,
we can maybe forgive Eddie.

I haven't forgiven
the Germans.

[ Inhales sharply ]
You're right.

Who's to say what
happened in there?

And it's certainly not healthy
to brood on things. Thank you.

Next time any of you die,
I promise not to dwell.

I guess I won't get it framed
and hang it over your bed.

For now.

The real Lynn
is prettier anyway.

See?

My God! It's her.

[ Rotary phone clicks ]

Hello?
Directory assistance.

My name is Eddie and I need you
to find a number for me.

[ Laughs ] Nice threads.

Is that the latest fashion
from Copenhagen?

Timmy: It's gonna be hard
slipping away.

Mom seems extra excited
about this birthday.

She loves birthdays.

Another chance to take a bow
for pushing out eight kids.

Congratulations,
you did what a cat can do.

[ Groans ]

Hells bells!
That hair, Lawrence.

You walk in a room
these days,

I think it's Jesus
come to take me.

Then I realize it's just you

and I still have to do
tomorrow's laundry.

While you're at it...

Oh, there's my boy!
Or girl.

[ Chuckles ]
Getting harder to tell these days.

It's just hair, Dad --
trying something different.

Everybody wants to be
"different." Mm.

You know what would
really be different?

Just being the same.
"The same" would be different.

Hmm. You got some sort
of point there, Dad.

I'm gonna go wash up
for the party.

The party.
Your surprise for Timmy.

Mm.
[ Chuckles ]

You're full of surprises.

Helen Portollo just
dropped off a check.

They paid me
for my candles.

Apparently you're selling
them in the mall now?

The Spencer Gifts
in Eagle Rock,

and they're going like
gang-busters.

They even outsold those teeth
that run around on tables.

[ Envelope rustles ]
At what price, Peg?

$3.99.

10% off if you say
Peggy sent you.

I mean what it costs
your family.

[ Birds chirping in distance ]

It doesn't cost us anything,

in fact here's a check
with my name on it.

"Mrs. Michael Cleary."

And I'm not letting
anything slide.

The kids are all
fed and clothed.

I know where
most of them are,

and I'm about
to throw Timmy

the best party
he's ever had.

So what exactly
is the problem, Mike?

Everybody out to the garage!
We're having a party!

Why do you look so stupid?

It's Danish.

Okay, you wouldn't get it.

I've got five minutes
to catch my bus.

What on earth does Mom need
to show me in the garage?

Maybe they finally
rented you

that boxing kangaroo
you always ask for.

I'm not getting
my hopes up again.

Timmy, I know you love
that show with the bum.

So I tried to get you tickets
but found out you were too old.

So I did the next best thing.

♪♪

Ta-da!

You did all this?

Happy birthday, Timmy.

♪ Check your bindles
at the door ♪

♪ Boogie on down
to the dance floor ♪

I was trapped,
trapped in that way

only a loving family
can trap you.

I wanted so much
to catch my bus

and get my moment
of TV stardom

on the real
"Boxcar Benji" show.

Fun! I didn't miss it!

♪ Dance with Boxcar Benji
to the birthday... ♪

But my mom.

She wanted so much
to give this to me,

something hand-crafted

from the heart for my birthday.

♪ A can of beans
and your two good feet ♪

♪ Riding the rails
to that hobo beat ♪

♪ Seeing the world
from a boxcar seat ♪

♪ Being a hobo
is so darn neat ♪

♪ Boxcar Benji ♪

I made my choice.

I put family before stardom.

It would not be the last time
I made that dumb mistake.

[ All cheering ]

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

[ Sighs ]
I stashed a sliver away

before those jackals
snarfed it all down.

I'm fine, thank you.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Indistinct talking on TV ]

Mmm.

Is that cherry I'm tasting
in your frosting?

That piece
was meant for Pat.

I mixed some
cough syrup in

to try to tamp him
down a notch.

You gave Timmy
a heck of a party, Peg.

You're running things around
here like you always did

and also making money.

I've got no right
to complain.

Oh, Mike.

That's so...true.

I guess I just like
being the one

that brings home the bacon
around here.

When I saw that check today,

it just made me
feel like...

[ Inhales deeply ]
...what am I here for?

Are you kidding?
[ Clicks tongue ]

I look around at our family
and what we've built --

I realize you're the only person
I like in this house.

I feel the same way.

And I-I want to be
supportive.

So, just know that I'm happy
you're making candles,

and I want you
to keep doing it.

I'm gonna quit.
[ Plate clatters ]

What?
No, you have a talent.

I insist you use it.
[ Inhales sharply ]

Are you putting
your foot down?

I'll be using my foot
very judiciously

from here on out.

Mike, I never wanted to be
a high-powered career woman

like Mary Tyler Moore
or Betty Crocker.

I'll just go back to being a
creative genius around here,

like I've always been.

Here, use this to pay
the Water and Power,

finally replace the asbestos
in the attic.

Look, it'd be great
to get new asbestos.

But no, this is yours.

Spend it on something
you really -- Acapulco.

Acapulco?

The one in Mexico?

Whichever one that
show-off Helen

and her stupid bald husband
went to.

She had a margarita,
big deal.

All right,
we'll go to Acapulco.

Oh, you're coming, too?

Yeah.

I'm thinking about getting
one of those all-over tans.

[ Laughs ] Yeah.
I'm definitely doing that

whether the beach we're on
allows it or not.

♪♪

A few weeks later when it was
Joey's birthday,

his wish was that we all
go to the beach.

Joey: Whoo-hoo!

My mom and dad were glad
to accommodate

since they were already
headed to the beach.

In Acapulco.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

But the rest of us were happy
to give Joey his birthday wish,

a family beach day.

[ Engine starts ]

That he didn't have to go to.

Have fun!
Take your time!

Girls...

♪ Going up
to the spirit in the sky ♪