Original subtitles

Cynthia...

Jerry: Oh, my god. No. No.

- I told you. - Hold on.

W/I/you please...

Not marry me 7 I chose Veronica.

- What?! - Yes!

- Hold it. - Why would he chose Veronica?

Because he loves her?

Well, if it's any consolation, summer,

none of it mattered and the entire show was stupid.

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

You show us your concept of good TV,

and we'll crap all over that.

Thought you'd never ask.

Hey.

Oh, cool. Is that crystallized xanthanite?

It conducts electrons across dimensions.

20% accurate as usual, morty.

The important thing being,

I just upgraded our cable package

with programing from every conceivable reality.

Wait. Does that mean we get showtime extreme?

How about showtime extreme in a world

where man evolved from corn?

We 're not so different. We 're bot/7 corn of action.

Yeah, but one of us is dead corn!

Summer bofing.

Summer you just spent three months

watching a man choose a fake wife.

So, what, it'd be better if the people were com?

Rick: Jerry, you don't get it.

This is infinite TV from infinite universes.

- Look. - This shit is delicious.

A movie about a guy eating shit.

A violent antique show.

It's a pleasure to have you.

The pleasure's all mine.

Letterman from a timeline where Jerry's famous.

- — Jerry: Wait! - Beth: What in the hell?

Rick: I agree. Where is this going?

No, the other thing! Go back.

Rick: Really? All right, fine.

Glen, this court order says you can't eat shit anymore.

All right, Jerry.

When you're right, you're right.

Now I'm hooked.

Coming up next on ”shm/oois the shm/oss, ”

shm/on y has a nightmare.

- Shmlantha/ shm/ona/ - Rick: Amazing... a dimension

where all proper nouns begin with "shmla."

Shm/a... shm/angela?

Shm/onathan 7

all right, that actually got old pretty quick.

Rick!

Will you please go back to me on "David letterman“?

Infinity's a big number, Jerry.

I don't remember the channel.

Summer: Ah! Go back! Go back!

- Rick: Geez. - You speak the true-true.

Oh, my god. Dad's in "cloud atlas"!

I'm in “cloud atlas"! What's “cloud atlas"?

Sometimes, small true-true

different than the big true-true.

How is this possible?

Infinite timelines, infinite possibilities,

including a timeline where Jerry's a movie star.

Look, you guys are getting excited

about the wrong aspect of this device.

Wha... look at this.

And now, another quick mystery.

I just want to know who could have done this.

It's a travesty - I did.

See this knife and all the blood on it?

Here's my fingerprints.

Guilty. I sentence you to life in prison.

Here's another quick mystery.

- Lilly mother's dead. - And / killed her.

Here's the weapon, and cuff me.

Thank you very much.

Guilty sentenced to murder.

- Hereis another. - I'm the killer.

Oh, wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Now, who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows

from different dimensions, and... and then who wants

to narcissistically obsess about their alternate selves?

I want to obsess about myself.

Here, these scan your retinas

and let you view parallel timelines

through genetically matching versions of your eyes.

Go fetch.

- This is so cool. - Ladies first.

I'm proud of you, morty.

Hey, man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick.

Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo.

I'm ants in my eyes Johnson,

here at ants in m y eyes Johnson's electronics.

I mean, thereis so many ants in my eyes.

And thereis so many ti/s, microwaves, radios, I think.

Ican't... I'm not 700% sure what we have here in stock

because / can't see anything.

Our prices, lhope, aren't too low.

Check out this refrigerator, only $200.

What about this microwave? Only $ 700.

That's fair.

I'm ants in my e yes Johnson. Everything's black.

I can't see a thing.

And also, / can't feel anything, either.

Did / mention that?

But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes,

so that always goes, you know, off b y the wayside.

I can't feel. It's a very rare disease.

All my... all my nerves,

they don't allow for the sensation of touch,

so / ne ver know what's going on.

Am / standing, sitting? I don't know.

Are we sure we wanna look at our own alternate lives?

You're right. Maybe we should just play yahtzee.

Give me those.

Beth: What do you see?

Whiteness -— pure whiteness.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith.

I love doing cocaine with you.

Whoa, I love doing cocaine with you, too, Johnny Depp.

Haven't we spent enough time on you?

I'm performing surgery...

But not on a horse... On a human.

Jerry: That's great, Beth.

You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

I ama real surgeon.

Uh... summer's turn.

Finally.

I don't see anything.

Well, you should select a different timeline.

I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams,

there's a chance you weren't even born.

That came out wrong. That came out very wrong.

Fine. I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

We're playing yahtzee.

Yahtzee's fun. We love yahtzee.

It's a fun game for fun families.

Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?

It's a 45-horsepower with anti/ock brakes,

and it's the official car of ”mr. Sneezy 3D. ”

It's the brand-new sneezy xl.

The horn, when you honk it, makes a sneeze noise.

It's polite, it's right,

and it's sneezy, deezy ll/lc... deluxe.

I'm ll/lr. Sneezy.

Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions

has a somewhat looser feel to it.

Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone.

It's in theaters now. Coming this summer

two brothers in a Van,

and then a meteor hits.

And they ran as fast as they could

from giant cat monsters.

And then a giant tornado came.

And that's when things got knocked into 72th gear.

A Mexican armada shows up,

with weapons made from t-tomatoes.

And you better bet your bottom dollar

that these two brothers know how to handle business

in '£4lien in vasion tomato monster

Mexican armada brothers,

who are just regular brothers,

running in a Van from an asteroid

and all sort of things: The movie. ”

Hold on. There's more.

Old women are coming, and the y're also in the mo vie.

And the y're gonna come

and cross attack these two brothers.

But lets get back to the brothers,

because they're... They have a strong bond.

You don't want to know about it here,

but ill tell you one thing.

The moon... it comes crashing into earth.

And what do you do then?

It's two brothers and... And they're gonna...

It's called ”two brothers. ” ”two brothers. ”

It's just called ”two brothers. ”

Holy crap. I am winning a nobel prize.

Come on. Time's up.

I'm taming a lion.

No, wait. There are film cameras.

I might be a lion tamer in a movie.

You get the idea. I work with lions.

Ohh, we're not playing yahtzee!

We're playing chutes and ladders.

Seems like when I exist, life gets a little more...

I don't know —- predictable?

When two people create a life together,

they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

Give me a break.

We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.

Oh, I get it.

Now that you know you could have had it better,

you resent me for holding you back.

Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning,

we know you thought there were unturned tables.

What are you talking about?

All this time, you've been thinking, "what if that loser,

Jerry, hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"

- Um... - Well, now you know.

You'd be a doctor. Whoop-de—do.

You'd also be drinking wine alone

in a house full of exotic birds.

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart.

You thought about getting an abortion?

Everyone thinks about it.

Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it,

- so you're welcome. - Yeah, you're welcome.

Yeah, thank you guys so much.

It's a real treat to be raised by parents

that forced themselves to be together

instead of being happy.

Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?

Mmm!

Oh, boy.

Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives

and realizing you don't have it as good, huh?

That's too bad.

You know, me and morty are having a blast.

We just discovered a show called "ball fondlers."

I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything,

but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

- I'm in heaven right now. - The best day of my life.

So, now what do we do?

That show "ball fondlers" sounded kind of interesting.

- Dad! - What?!

They're having fun in there. What do you guys want from me?

Every family on this block has to wonder

if they're together by choice.

Our family just has interdimensional goggles

to show us for a fact that we're not.

- Well, I'm leaving. - You can't leave. You're 17.

Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

I'm gonna have betterjudgment than you guys had at my age.

I'm gonna move to the southwest and...

I don't know, do something with turquoise.

It's ”saturda y night live, ”

starring a piece of toast,

two guys with handlebar mustaches,

a man painted silver who makes robot noises,

gar ma nar nar,

three, um, um, um...

Ill get back to that one,

a hole in the wall

where the men can see it all,

and, returning for his 25th consecutive year,

Bobby moynihanl

interesting fun fact...

Moynihan and a piece of toast hate each other.

Apparently, they've got some real creative differences.

Hey, are you tired of real doors

cluttering up your house,

where you open them and you actually go somewhere,

and you go into another room?

Get on down to real fake doors. Thatis us.

Fill a whole room up with them.

See, watch. Check this out.

Won't open.

Won't open.

Not this one.

Not this one.

None of them open.

Fakedoors. Com is our website,

so check it out for a lot of really great deals

on fake do-o-o-o-rsl

Hey, wait a minute, Rick.

I thought this was a commercial.

- What's going on? - Relax, morty.

Don't -— don't worry about it. Let's just see where this goes.

Step on it./ we all got places to be!

Son of a bitch.

Oh, that must be where he lives.

Okay.

Rick: Huh. He's making himself a sandwich now.

Hey, everybody. So, this is my house.

Just made a sandwich... Peanut butter and jelly

still here, still selling fake doors.

Morty: What?

Oh, my god. It's still the commercial.

We have fake doors like you wouldn't belie ve.

What are you warned about? Come get fake doors.

Call us up and order some fake doors today.

Don't e ven hesitate, don't e ven worry,

and don't even...

All right, I'm bored. Change it.

Wait, wait, Rick. Hold on, hold on.

That's our slogan.

See it on the bottom of the screen below our name.

Here's another slogan right below that one.

What are you warned about? Come get fake doors.

Get in here quick, get out quicker

with an arm of fake doors in your arms.

Okay, okay, you can changeit

I hate mamumanums-days,

and / really could go for some enchiladas.

Morty: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool.

It's just like Garfield, only instead it's gazorpazorpfield.

Hey, isn't gazorpazorp where those sex robots came from?

Remember that whole thing?

Yeah. Hey, that's a pretty... Pretty...

That's true. That's right.

Yeah. Let's watch some more gazorpazorpfield.

Hey, John. It's me, gazorpazorpfie/d

boy fuck you, John,

you fuckin ' dumb, stupid idiot.

Come on, gazorpazorpfield. Go easy on me, huh?

You dumb, stupid, weak,

pathetic, white, white,

uh... guilt...

White-guilt milquetoast

piece of human garbage.

Geez, gazorpazorpfie/d, thatis...

You know, you're pretty mean to me,

but that takes the cake.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm gazorpazorp-fuckin '-field, bitch.

Now give me my fucking enchiladas.

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use bill Murray for this?

Sounds a lot like bill Murray.

No, morty, it's Lorenzo music.

In this reality, he's still alive.

Oh, okay. Was his name "Lorenzo music"?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

He also did the voice of that one guy from "ghostbusters,"

which is really strange because it's the same character

bill Murray played in the movie.

But then, when they made the movie,

bill Murray did the voice of gazorpazorp...

- Or Garfield, I mean. - That's pretty cool, Rick.

So all that happened in this reality, too?

I don't know.

Just making conversation with you, morty.

What, you think I'm a... i'm...

I know everything about everything?

Did you really talk me out of the abortion?

Well, we -— we blew a tire on the way to the clinic.

I think, in my head, I was doing it all for the kids.

And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise.

Which is either code for crystal meth

or a gateway to it.

So we didn't do the kids any favors.

So we should stay together for each other and ourselves,

ol'...

Or...

Man, woman, and now trunkman?

We know science has created men that have a trunk

that allows them to have sex with both

male and female partners.

But we don't like the idea of these people getting married.

Put a line in the sand, everybody.

Vote ”no ” on proposition x w2.

The act that says trunkpeop/e can get married.

Who needs it?

Not on my watch.

Paid for by Michael Denny and the Denny singers.

Hi. I'm a trunkperson, and / want...

Lfee/ love in my heart, too, just like you.

I wanna be able to express that love

with both a man and a woman.

And / won't be able to

if Denny and the Denny singers get their way.

Hey, let the trunkpeople have sex and get married, huh?

Paid for by trunkpeople.

Oh, no ve me strawberry snigg/es.

Ooh, / hope nobody ever gets my hands on me

and tries to steal my strawberry smigg/es.

I'm gonna eat every last one of them,

because... and then the y'// be in my stomach,

and nobody will ever be able to eat them.

Except for me, because the y'// be all inside my stomach.

Um, my name is Mr. Tophat Jones,

and god forbid anyone ever take my sner...

Little-people snibbles.

I'm keeping them all for me.

Mmm. Mmm.

Last bite. Mmm.

Oh, now the y're all resting comfortably in my stomach.

Ooh, am lfee/ing good.

No! Get away from me/ get away from me./

there's no more strawberry snibb/es... no. I

Jesus christi

Jesus christi it hurts!

My entrails are out!

Why would you even want to eat these?

They're soaked with my stomach acid.

Oh, Jesus Christ lord, savior,

and spirit, save me.

Take me to the fight.

Oh, my god lsee demons.

Isee demons are coming!

Geez, Rick. Oh, my god.

That's some pretty hard—core stuff,

you know, for a cereal commercial.

Well, morty —- I mean, you wanna sell boxes of cereal,

you gotta pump the gas a little.

Pedal to the metal, morty.

In a world where muscular mannies are coming,

and the y're coming strong,

there is only three unmuscu/ar Michaels.

Get down. Hurry. Run.

And that's when real turbulent juice is coming,

and you got to take care of it.

With turbulent juice, turbulent tables,

no room is safe from the turbulent power

of turbulent juice.

- What in the hell? - Sex sells, morty.

Sex sells what?

Was that a movie or, like, does it clean stuff?

Hey, dad.

- God. - What's going on?

Well, your mother and I are gonna be spending

some time apart, morty.

And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy.

- What? - Speaking of what,

morty, What should we watch next?

What about this?

Bab y/egs, you're a good detective.

But not good enough, because of your baby legs.

So I'm partnering you up with regularlegs.

Hey, there.

Detective, I'm... This is upsetting to me

because / feel like / don't need no regular-leg partner.

Bab y/egs, don't talk back to me.

Good luck, you two.

There's a criminal to kill.

Wow, you sure found this guy quick.

Uh, yeah, because I'm a good detective.

Look, bab y/egs. It's the criminal.

Oh, fuck it. I'm the killer. I'm running.

I'm running real quick.

Baby/egs, here we go/

That's the sound / make when I'm trying to run fast.

All right, I'm not gonna get him.

I just learned a real valuable lesson.

I'm coming, baby/egs.

I'm... regularlegs.

We got him.

Hey, that was good team work.

Bab y/egs and regular/egs,

I'm proud of you two for working together.

And, bab y/egs, /know it was hard for you

to come to the conclusion that you need a partner,

but I'm proud of you that you did it.

Hey, thanks, chief

now get the fuck out of here.

Pretty cool, huh, morty?

- Oh. - I thought it was cool.

I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry.

Hey, uh, y-you doing okay?

I kind of know how you feel, summer.

No, you don't. You're the little brother.

You're not the cause of your parents misery.

You're just a symptom of it.

- Can I show you something? - Morty, no offense...

But a drawing of me you made when you were eight

isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident.

That out there? That's my grave.

- Wait, what? - On one of our adventures...

Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world,

so we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one.

Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed.

And in this one, we were dead.

So we came here and -— And we buried ourselves,

and we took their place.

And every morning, summer, I eat breakfast

20 yards away from my own rotting corpse.

So you're not my brother?

I'm better than your brother.

I'm a version of your brother you can trust

when he says "don't run."

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere.

Everybody's gonna die.

Come watch TV.

Mrs. Sullivan always planned

to leave everything to her cats.

But sometimes, plans need a helping paw.

What are the kitties to do

but buckle together and work as a team?

Mrs. Sullivan, /... please, forgive me for being forward,

but your eyes are so beautiful.

Wait. This is an actual movie?

This fall, sparks will fly...

Mrs. Sullivan. Ohh,

between one guy who can't get a break...

There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan.

And nine cats who break all the rules.

”Last will and testi-meow:

Weekend at dead cat ladyis house /. ”

Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost their job.

Written and directed by Jerry Smith.

I wrote and directed that? What am I, nuts?

Oh, hey, morty. You just missed a preview

for your dad's "citizen Kane."

Doesn't matter.

Hey, if your mother and I had to split custody,

who would you guys chose?

Doesn't matter.

Breaking news... academy a ward-winning actor Jerry Smith

is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit

after suffering an apparent breakdown.

Don't even think about it.

Come on. Are you kidding me, Jerry?

It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap.

It's my life, and we're watching it.

You did it, Beth. You really nailed it.

You're a surgeon -— A human surgeon.

Yay, you win.

Where the hell am I going?

Wh... what are you asking me for, Jerry?

I'm sitting here trying to figure out

why the cops don't just take you out.

I mean they got a clear shot to your head.

I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.

J erry?

Jerry Smith?

Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school.

I hate acting. I hate cocaine.

I hate Kristen Stewart.

I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion,

and I've never stopped thinking about what might have been.

J” give me a name j”

j” hear my faith j”

j” seal my fate j”

j” and when you breathe j”

j” you breathe for two j”

hey, "ball fondlers"? Huh, "ball fondlers"?

Yeah, I could go for some "ball fondlers."

Yeah, "ball fondlers."

Aah!

Ha ha, hamster in butt world weather is done,

and now its sports time coming up.

- Oh, hello, there. - Good day to you, miss.

Beth: So, the hamsters live

inside the rectums of those people?

Yes, sweetie. That's where the live.

Well, how does that work?

I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?

Yeah, and can they leave the butt

and, like, walk around on their own?

I don't know. I'm watching the same thing you guys are.

Grandpa Rick, if they leave the butt

and the person wanders off,

how would they find their butt person again?

I don't know, summer. I can't even hear the TV.

All right, that's it.

We're just gonna go there so you idiots

can ask your stupid questions all day.

Ooh, family vacation!

Did you get any of that?

It's a good-a show!