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-[cheers, applause]
-[upbeat electronic music playing]

[band plays "Ironside (Excerpt)"]

Hey, this is Redban coming live

from the Comedy Mothership
here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

-Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!
-[cheers, applause]

[awe-inspiring rock music playing]

[Tony] Who's waiting for the best
fucking night of their lives, huh?

[cheers]

[music ending]

[Tony] Yippee!

Yeah!

Make some noise for Redban, everybody!

Hey!

Oh, my goodness.

How about one more time
for the best damn band in the land, huh?

-[cheers, applause]
-Fernando Castillo.

Raul Vallejo.

Carlos Sosa on the horns.

That's the great
Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Matt Muehling on the electric guitar.

The leader of the band
John B's on the Keys.

And that is indeed the one and only
D-Madness on the bass guitar,

ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, my goodness.

You know, Redban,

you and I have been
doing this show for 12 years.

We've never missed
a Monday release ever, ever, ever.

During the pandemic, during everything.

We've helped people launch their careers.

We've had a blast the entire time.

[cheers, applause]

Right now, there are
hundreds and hundreds,

three hundred-plus comedians
next door in a dilapidated bar

waiting, hoping that
they get pulled out of this bucket.

And what they don't know,
and what none of you know,

is this episode will be on…

-[Netflix intro plays]
-[Tony scoffs]

-[cheers, applause]
-[Tony] Right on cue.

Netflix.

Oh, my goodness.

An epic moment

in our long crazy history.

Seven hundred plus episodes,

tens of thousands of bucket pulls,

and it's all come down to this.

The American Dream.

We watched comedians
fail or succeed every single week.

And now this episode will be on

the universe's largest
global streaming service on planet Earth.

[cheers, applause]

[Tony] Every single week,

I book some of the funniest
or most intelligent guests

to sit here with us
and watch people advance,

or make it or break it
as standup comedians.

This week, no different.

Who better to have as guests
here in Austin, Texas

than two Austin residents?

Two icons, two of the most
influential men in all of the world.

I present to you tonight's guests.

-Joe Rogan and Elon Musk.
-[cheers, applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[Tony laughs] Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Elon Musk!

Joe Rogan!

Tony!

Ah, Tony's back!

[loud laugh] So cool. So cool.

[loud laugh]

Oh, Netflix. So cool. So excited.

Really. So excited, Tony.

[laughter]

So it might be the dick load of ketamine
I just had, but I'm really excited.

Comedy is back, you know.

-It is…
-The left, you know,

they tried to make it illegal.

-So uncool. Right.
-[laughter]

-Tony…
-Comedy is back.

-Elon, we're so happy to have you here.
-Comedy is back at Kill Tony.

Yeah. Really cool.

For the first time ever,
Elon Musk is here, everyone.

Yeah.

-Yeah! Yeah.
-[cheers, applause]

Yeah.

I'm, like, really uncomfortable
with my own skin, so I move around a lot.

I apologize.
I want to crawl out of it like a snake.

[laughing loudly]

[laughter]

My best friend, Joe Rogan.
He thinks I'm so funny, though.

Really, you watch the show.

He, like… He laughs so hard, like,
he sometimes doesn't make a sound.

He's just like,
"Oh, my God. So funny." So…

-[laughter]
-Yeah, really excited.

By the way, I'm have, like,
maybe 20 minutes of a personality.

Then I'm going to hit,
like, a serious K hole.

-[laughter]
-So, let's get right to it. [loud laugh]

Right?

Best friends. Really cool.

He's so cool.

Really cool.

-This is Elon's first time on the show.
-Yeah.

-Joe Rogan is here, everybody.
-[cheers, applause]

We are here

in the house that Rogan built,
the Comedy Mothership,

the greatest comedy club in the world.

We've done this numerous times.

Joe Rogan. Welcome back.

Thank you, sir.

And we're gonna have a blast.

I figure we should start the show
before we get to one of these bucket pulls

with one of our great regulars
here to do the first set on Kill Tony

in Netflix's entire history.

Ladies and gentlemen,
getting us started, I present to you

a man who came to us from a faraway land.

-[upbeat rock music playing]
-[cheers, applause]

A rock star of mass proportions.

We've been watching him do sets.

This guy does new minutes
every single week on this show.

A fearless, fearless Kill Tony regular.

This is the Estonian assassin,

Ari Matti!

[cheers, applause]

[music ends]

[in high-pitch] What's up?

[man] Whoo!

I had a date. [clicks tongue]

Uh, we went to a restaurant
and I let her pick the restaurant.

That's where I fucked up.

[laughter]

'Cause you know it ain't gonna be Denny's.

You know when you walk into a restaurant,
you see that fucking chandelier?

-You're like, "You dirty bitch."
-[laughter]

It was one of those restaurants, you know,
where the menu doesn't even have prices.

I thought I got a broken menu.

And I was like, "Excuse me,
it's missing the most valuable

piece of information I need from a menu.

I don't give a fuck
where the salmon grew up."

[laughter]

Bill comes,
it's in a fucking treasure chest.

[chuckles] Three-eighty.

Two people, still hungry.

-Three-eighty.
-[laughter]

You know how much money
$380 is for an Estonian?

Dude, we send that money
to Ukraine, we're winning the war.

[laughter]

This is, like, seven missiles.

I gotta call Zelensky. "Sorry, boss.

The bitch got tartare."

[laughter]

We leave the restaurant.

You know when the bill is so high,
you don't even want to fuck?

[laughter]

She's like, "What are we doing next?"

"Uh, pick up a shift."

[laughter]

Three-eighty! A hooker is…

A hooker's two-fifty.

[laughter]

-And I know it's two-fifty.
-[laughter]

'Cause it's listed on the website.
[chuckles]

Thank you so much.

-[cheers, applause]
-[Tony] Ari Matti has done it again.

[Ari] What's up?

What's up, Elon?

What's up? What's up?

-What's up, brother?
-'Sup? Yeah.

-What's up?
-All right. All right. Cool.

[laughter]

Elon, this is your first time
seeing Ari Matti, correct?

Yeah. He was really, really funny there.

-I'd like to ASS you a few questions.
-[loud laugh]

-[laughter]
-He's been really, really great.

Really. Very funny.

So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so…
If, if, if, if, if… So…

-If, if, if, if, if… So… What…
-[laughter]

So are you a tit man or an ass man?

[loud laugh]

Yeah, I'm really curious.

[laughter]

How are you so retarded,
but so smart at the same time?

[Elon] No idea.

[laughter]

-The question still stands, yeah.
-[Ari chuckles]

Um… Dude, I don't know. I'm an ass guy
until the buh-boobas get too big.

-Then I'm an… Yeah.
-[Elon] Yeah.

You know, I don't want,
like, flat-chested, big ass, too.

That's a guy.

[laughter]

I like… On Earth, right,

like, I'm an ass man, right?

But, like, in space,

I like space boobs. [loud laugh]

Because they don't sag.

-[laughter]
-You know, like ever.

[loud laugh]

Yeah, we're good friends.

[laughter]

It's, like, perma Perkies.

[loud laugh]

We're talking into, like, red penises.

[chuckles] Me and Joe
talking into dog penises.

Anyway…

Elon Musk, uh…

Elon, have you ever seen the show before?

-No. No, I have not. No.
-[laughter]

I love it.

Joe Rogan, we work
with Ari Matti all the time.

This is another new minute.
He writes and performs them all the time.

The work ethic, incredible.

Uh, what do you think about Ari Matti?

Ari, how hard is it to do that,
to do a new minute every week?

And how much of a pain in the ass is it?

To not be able to just work on bits.

Yeah, there is a certain
pain in the ass, for sure,

but there's also the fucking excitement.

You know, when you walk out here,
it just feels like I'm in a fucking movie.

You walk out here, you're like,
"What the fuck am I gonna do?"

[laughter]

And I was hoping you'd keep
the Netflix thing maybe on the DL,

but obviously when I walked out,
I'm like, "Okay, it's obvious."

[laughter]

Okay, biggest platform
in the world, first Estonian on it.

-It's on.
-[Tony] Yeah.

-You're damn right.
-Really cool.

-[cheers, applause]
-It's on.

I'm trying a bit that I've tried
four times, and I'm not sure about it.

[laughter]

-Yeah, that's my point.
-Yeah, like…

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

At least guys on maybe in Tonight Show

or whatever, they could, you know,
hear it

fucking every Monday.
It's on, baby!

[Tony] Yeah.

And the people demand it.

And the fans fucking have
high expectations of you,

and you follow through every goddamn time.

Always amazing.

Anything else crazy
we should know about you this week?

Oh, I finally saw my first Black dick.

We did it, baby.

-You saw one?
-Yes! At the YMCA!

I went over… "Boom."
He said… "Boom!"

-[Tony] You were in the locker room?
-The showers.

YMCA showers. They have a little curtain,
but the curtain isn't big.

It's a YMCA, you know?

The curtain isn't big enough
to cover the whole thing.

So there's a gap there.

And I saw a black guy go from the sauna
into the showers,

and I made sure I followed him because…

[laughter]

Crazy part of this is D-Madness
has never seen a black penis before,

and he has one.

[laughter]

Because, like, you know,
in Estonia, we sauna naked.

You know, I've seen-- all of my friends,
I've seen everyone's dick.

I could pick them from a lineup.

And it's just crazy
that I've seen none of your dicks.

-[Tony] Well…
-[laughter]

[drum roll]

Tonight's the night, Ari.

[laughter]

Ari Matti, you've done it again.

-Thank you so much.
-You're a legend indeed.

The first Estonian to be on Netflix.

[cheers, applause]

Unbelievable.

We've been trying to get him
his American citizenship.

It is not as easy as you would think.

Rogan and Elon,

you guys are both friends
with a particularly

extremely powerful person.

-You think that we could, uh…
-[eagle screeches]

[upbeat rock version
of "Hail To The Chief" playing]

[cheers, applause]

[Tony] Oh, my God!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the president
of the United States of America.

Oh…

My God!

-[music ends]
-[laughs]

Donald Trump has arrived.

One of the greatest guests
in the history of the show.

The most watched
Kill Tony episode of all time.

He was with us at Madison Square Garden.

He pretended like he didn't know me at all

after I tried to help him
at his rally.

[laughter]

What a privilege it is to be here

at Kill Tony.

And, I mean, what a great group
of guys here.

Joe Rogan, the lovely,
beautiful Joe Rogan.

[laughter]

So beautiful. Handsome guy.

And Elon Musk.
What a incredible retarded man.

[laughter]

And we're going to use
his retarded powers for good.

-That's right.
-And we are doing that.

And it's great to be here.

-[cheers, applause]
-Oh, my God.

President Trump
has been on this show before.

I'm glad you made it
before the first bucket pull.

Because this is like
the heartbeat of the show.

Ari Matti got us warmed up,
but this is the true

lifeblood of Kill Tony,
is this magical bucket,

and over 300 people
signed up for the chance.

If I pull their name out of the bucket,
they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then,

or else they bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear.

[roars]

Which just interrupts them, cuts them off,
and I proceed with an interview with them.

We find out all about them and everything
that we could possibly know.

Maybe stuff more they could
talk about, their life.

They go from being a comedian
to a surprise guest

on a podcast in exactly 60 seconds.

There's some people in this bucket
that are over 200 years old.

[laughter]

We'll get to the bottom of that.

-But go ahead.
-Exactly right.

-Damn right.
-And it's a disgusting disgrace

what this show has become.

-There's 200-year-old men in that bucket.
-Yeah.

And Elon's gonna sniff 'em out

-like a retarded truffle pig.
-That's right.

All right.

[laughter, applause]

-Yeah.
-[oinks]

That's right, my liege.

With that said, ladies and gentlemen,
let the game begin.

Because this is a person who, moments ago,

had no idea that they were going
to be on the show at all,

and they will be known
as the first bucket pull

in the history of Kill Tony on Netflix.

This is 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Looks like a new name.

Make some noise for Kai Wynn.

-Kai Wynn.
-[cheers, applause]

[funky music playing]

I'm Vietnamese and Jewish.

Which makes me… which makes me a Vi-Jew.

God bless you.

I was, uh…

I was adopted
by Jewish parents,

and the way they found me was floating
in a basket down by the river.

No, wrong Jew. Sorry, wrong Jew.

They actually use technology.

They use something called Cash App.

[laughter]

I'm getting
a little bit older now,

and it's hard for me to go to sleep,

so I have to use something
called white noise.

Yeah. I'm not talking about the machine.

I'm talking about
I live next to a trailer park.

[laughter]

And it works so well, guys,
because every time I hear

domestic violence, I just fall asleep.

[laughter]

[scattered laughter]

[meow plays]

-[stammers]
-[roar plays]

-[Tony] All right. There it is.
-[applause]

Kai Wynn.

Kind of short-circuited there at the end.

-I was getting so much anxiety.
-[laughter]

I was like, "This has got to end soon.
I can't handle this."

Kai, this is your first time
ever on the show.

-Correct?
-That's correct.

And how long have you been
doing standup comedy?

About five years.

Five years? Where at?

In LA, The Ice House,
and some other places.

-The Ice House or The Rice House?
-[laughter]

Oh, Tony, not again.

Definitely The Rice House.

Perfect. I love it.

So, five years in LA.

Would you consider that your best minute
that you have

or were you trying something new here?

-What's going on exactly?
-[Kai] Could've been better.

-[Tony] We know that.
-[laughter]

That's not what I asked you.

The question was, "Is that
the best minute that you've ever written?"

Are you like, "I'm gonna go out
on Kill Tony and show him five years,

my best minute"?

Or is that something
you wrote on the way here?

-Definitely did write it on the way here.
-Okay.

-I'm not that great but yeah.
-Okay.

I tried my best, you know. Yeah.

-[piano key plays]
-[laughter]

[Elon] I've got a serious problem
with this guy.

Because first of all,
you didn't say thank you to my liege here.

[stammers]

And you're dressed like a slob.

All we've done for the Jewish people,
we've given you…

-Right.
-…our entire government.

And what did you do?

Other than commit genocide?

Which, as a Vietnamese person,
you would think, maybe,

we're against that type of thing, but…

[laughter]

[Troy] President Trump.

[cheers, applause]

What do you do for work, Kai?

I actually used to be a banker.

-[Tony] You used to be a banker.
-Right.

We know which side
you got that from.

-[Jewish music playing]
-The old famous Vietnamese bankers.

[laughter]

Uh, so what do you do now?

I do… I just…
I do comedy. I try to do comedy.

You do comedy for a living.

[Kai] I try. Yes.

Okay, so when you say you try,

did you save up a bunch of money
from working at the bank?

Uh, I used to,
and then I got divorced, so…

-Oh, you were married.
-Right.

-When did you get divorced?
-Uh, 2019.

Okay, so six years ago.

-How long were you married?
-[Kai] About eight years.

Okay. And why did it not work out,
do you think?

Um… [clicks tongue]

Well, I think
it was because I was Jewish.

[laughter]

-[Tony] What makes you say that?
-[laughs]

A clash of cultures.

[Tony] What was her culture? She Muslim?

[laughter]

-She from Palestine?
-She was pro Palestine, yes.

-Really?
-No, she was not.

I don't know. You have to tell
the truth during the questions.

She was Chinese.

-She's Chinese.
-Yeah.

Chinese and Vietnamese
don't get along?

Chinese and Vietnamese?
Eh. Not so much.

-Yeah.
-[Tony] Really?

You know, the Chinese was for the north,
you know what I mean? And…

-Right.
-I don't know if you know--

-[Tony] Yeah, geography.
-Yeah.

There may be some other reasons
why it didn't work out.

-[laughter]
-It's definitely not a me problem.

[imitating Chinese] He's not funny.
He work at bank all day.

[laughter]

[sharp inhale]

-Tony, it's going down.
-And we're off.

I'm getting word
the show has been canceled.

[laughter]

It was a good run, first show
to last 14 minutes on Netflix, ever.

Fantastic.

She definitely didn't like my minute.
Know what I mean?

I love it.
I love it. Okay.

Uh… Very interesting.

Kai, what's something about your life
that we would find interesting about you?

Um, well, the most interesting thing
is just being adopted

-into a Jewish family, yeah.
-[Tony] Oh.

I did not see that coming.

-[laughs loudly]
-[laughter]

No.

And Elon loves that. He loves Nazi jokes.

And I told him,
I said, "You better slow down, Elon."

But he loves them and we keep making them

at our own peril.

[laughter]

Not going well.

[laughter]

So you're really 100% Vietnamese,

-but you were adopted by Jewish people.
-Yes.

Okay, and was that
from Vietnam to America?

No, I was already in America.

-When I got adopted.
-[Tony] Okay. Right. Interesting.

Why do you think your Vietnamese parents
gave you up for adoption?

[Joe] Jesus, Tony!

[laughter]

I mean… [laughs]

This is how I would treat a normal show.

[laughter]

I know this is shocking.

Let me remind the new viewers on Netflix.

If you've ever been offended by anything,
you will be offended by this show.

And you're two clicks away
from John Mulaney.

So just go over there
and then you'll be fine.

-[cheers, applause]
-He's not gonna offend you.

This will. This is for people
who don't get offended.

Back to your parents giving you up.

[laughter]

Are you comfortable talking about it?

Yeah, totally.

-There you go.
-What happened was

I got a B in my math class.

-[laughter]
-[Tony] Oh.

-And… yeah.
-[Tony] There you go.

That's one of the jokes
you could've done in the minute

-that would have worked.
-[Kai] That's true.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Um, all right, Kai.
Well, it was very, very okay.

[laughter]

Here's a little joke book, my friend.
That's how it works.

-Thank you.
-[cheers, applause]

The first comedian out of the bucket
on tonight's show, Kai Wynn,

ladies and gentlemen.

And now for bucket pull number two.

How exciting is this?

Oh, wow, this is interesting.

-[crowd cheers]
-This guy… Ooh, the lovely Heidi!

Oh, my goodness!

-This is a very…
-[laughter]

[Donald] Elon!

[laughter]

I'm showing Heidi.
I'm showing Heidi. Cool, right?

Heidi, you missed it.

Elon was doing one of his
amazing tricks that women love.

Frankly, they love it.

Fucking bitch.

She was a bitch, Elon.

We should have her fired.
You should fire her.

Yeah. Huge bitch.

I made a really cool thing out of forks
and she just walked away.

This is very interesting.

This bucket pull obviously has
a lot of time on his hands nowadays.

This is very exciting.

I can't believe this is real.

Make some noise for Joe Biden, everybody!

-This is Joe Biden.
-[cheers, applause]

Could this be real?

Oh, my God!

[cheers, applause]

The former president
of the United States of America.

Joe-- Oh, he's sniffing a guy's head.

Oh, he loves it.

Happy early Kwanzaa, America.

[laughter, applause]

How we doing?
Make it loud for yourselves. Come on.

[cheers, applause]

A lot of people been wondering
what I've been doing

since I haven't been president.
I'll tell you.

Here's the deal, folks. Come on.

[laughter]

Having a great time.
Having a blast.

Just last week, I had some ice cream
and took a nap.

I smoked some crack with my son, Hunter.

[laughter, applause]

Come on.

[laughter, applause]

I've been watching these jokers
fuck everything up. Huh?

My 401K is going down faster
than Kam Patterson's red blood cell count.

[laughter]

That's a sickle cell joke.
I can be racist again.

Elon legalized comedy, come on!

Elon legalizing comedy.
He's the least funny guy in the world.

It'd be like if Tony Hinchcliffe
legalized eating pussy.

[laughter]

Donald, you should hire Tony.

You should hire him.
Give him a position.

He'd be the first guy to be in a cabinet
and a closet at the same time.

[laughter]

I got a couple of things I'm working on
for my set at the secret show.

[laughter]

It says, "Ari Matti
looks like a Hitler Youth pastor."

"Ari Matti has been in America so long
he's developed a school shooter face."

[laughter]

[breathing shakily]

"Ari Matti looks like a vampire
that exclusively drinks period blood."

[laughter]

Come on. We're having a good time.
Come on!

[laughter]

Tony looks like if he hiccupped
too hard, his chest would collapse.

[laughter]

Did you guys see Elon with that chainsaw?

That's what Redban uses to cut cake.

[laughter]

I wrote down…

"Tony looks like
if he had his own streaming service,

"it would be called Chromosome plus."

[laughter]

Before Joe Rogan built this club,

the only club Tony was headlining
was the Dallas Buyer's.

[laughter]

Keep it going for Tony Hinchcliffe.
That's my dad. That's my favorite guy.

-[applause]
-I love that guy.

He didn't vote for me,
but I recognize a true American.

[laughter]

Tony looks like a lesbian soccer coach.

[laughter]

I love you.

I love you more than anything.

What else we got?

Tony, how are you going to support an
administration that wants to ban vaccines?

Come on.

[laughter]

If we get rid of autism, you won't have
any Kill Tony regulars.

[laughter, applause]

[mumbling]

Kam Patterson… Kam Patt… What?

[laughter]

Kam Patterson, big fan.

I like all the characters on the show.

Kam Patterson, he's my favorite…

Kam Patterson, he's making money,
but he always dresses

like he bought his clothes
at the grocery store.

All right, we'll take this off Netflix.

[laughter]

Kam's only credit is Kill Tony,

and somehow it's better
than his actual credit score.

[laughter]

Hit me.

[plays sting]

A little late.

[laughter]

I prepared… prepared a little song.

This is my favorite show of all time.
Keep it going for Kill Tony.

[cheers, applause]

Jill and I, we lay in bed every night
thinking about life

and what we haven't gotten to do.

I got a lot of things left
on my bucket list.

I'd like to see Coldplay live.

[laughter]

That's about it.

[laughter]

I prepared a little song
just to commiserate,

commemorate and masturbate
my appearance here on Kill Tony.

[laughter]

Hit me with something, DJ.

[soft jazz music playing]

[Joe breathing heavily]

Go ahead and play with yourself
if you want, Donald.

[laughter]

[laughter]

♪ I'll never die ♪

♪ I'll never sleep ♪

♪ I'll never cry ♪

♪ I'm in defeat ♪

♪ I like to drive,
I'm 82 ♪

♪ I'll eat some ass
just to feel alive with you ♪

♪ But before I go,
You all should know ♪

♪ The reason I'm on this show ♪

♪ Is Tony made me blow… ♪

♪ Him a kiss! ♪

♪ Him a kiss
Him a kiss ♪

[laughter]

♪ I wouldn't miss a chance to be ♪

♪ On Kill Tony ♪

[cheers, applause]

Wow!

The former president of the United States,
Joe Biden,

with sniffing a man's head again.

He loves it.

He loves that smell. Oh, God, he loves it.

Oh, my God.

Okay, Joe. Joe.

[laughter]

Wow.

[applause]

Ah. There they are, old rivals.

[laughter]

Joe Biden.

One more time for Joe Biden, everybody.

[cheers, applause]

What a special treat.

Absolutely incredible.

-All right.
-[laughter]

Here we go.

Time for the second-- or third.

Truly, the second,
but third bucket pull of the night.

Make some noise for Pat O'Neill.

One minute, uninterrupted for Pat O'Neill.

I'm gonna keep it moving along
with Pat O'Neill.

[cheers, applause]

[music ends]

Times are changing, folks.

Who else remembers back
when butt plugs were just called thumbs?

Okay…

[laughter]

We're living in a modern world,

and I believe trans women are women.

Though they are suspiciously
good at driving.

-Uh…
-[laughter]

Other than that, one and the same, I says.

I've been feeling lonely lately.

Finally decided to get myself
an emotional support animal.

And by that I mean a fat girlfriend.

The other night
me and her were having sex.

Cowgirl--

Not the position.
That's just what I call her. And…

[laughter]

she tells me she doesn't swallow.

I'm like, fucking what?
Just this? Come on.

[laughter]

No, no.

No. No, no.

[laughter]

It's not right for me to stand up here
and just make fun of fat women.

So let me say, fat men in this country
have gotten so lazy.

[meow plays]

They can't even win
the hot dog eating contests anymore.

[laughter]

Always some skinny Asian guy instead.

Shows up thinking
it's a regular dog eating contest.

[laughter, applause]

-That's good.
-Okay, Pat O'Neill. Welcome. Welcome.

[laughter, applause]

This is your first time on the show.
Correct, Pat?

Yes, Tony. God damn it!
Please save me from obscurity, St. Tony.

I think you just did.

How long have you been
doing standup comedy?

Almost four years.

-Where at?
-Providence, Rhode Island.

-Providence, Rhode Island?
-I'm from Massachusetts.

What happened to you?

-[laughter]
-[Pat] Oh, uh…

I need a dad, Joe, please.

[laughter]

You are an interesting looking guy.

Has your mom ever told you

what she was drinking
the night that she made you, exactly?

Listen, that bitch has
told me a lot of shit.

[laughter]

You look like a comedian.

I mean, you look like
you were built to only do this.

-[cheers, applause]
-I would not trust you

if you were a doctor,

a mechanic, anything else.

You have no choice, young Jedi.

[laughter]

Just an evil looking guy
telling racist jokes

that everybody thinks is secretly gay.

Welcome to my world.

[laughter, applause]

[lightsaber activates plays]

[lightsaber buzzing]

[Joe exclaiming]

Do you really have a fat girlfriend?

Eh. She could lose a few.

-Wow. Absolutely incredible.
-[laughter]

I like it. I like the way you act.

And I think it's very important
to tell women when they're getting fat.

I do. I say, "Look at you, you slob.

"I would never fuck you."

[laughter]

What you brought up
with the hot dog eating contest,

we are going
to make a change to that, though.

Fat whites are going
to come back stronger than ever.

-[laughter]
-They carried me in this election,

and the fat whites have made a mandate
that America is fat and white again.

Thank you, fat whites,
particularly in this crowd.

[laughter]

Pat, what do you do for a living?

Uh, when does this episode come out?

[laughter]

[Tony] A week.

All right. So for the next week,
I work for a mortgage company.

[laughter]

[cheers, applause]

After that, fuck 'em.

[laughter]

Wow. What do you what do you do for fun?

You seem like a guy
that has a lot of hobbies.

Seems like you have a collection
of things on your wall,

like people's skins and whatnot.

Yeah, well…

[stammers] I take mushrooms, whack off.

Working on some impressions lately.

What kind of impressions?

I'm working on a couple.
Johnny Carson and a Black pirate.

Wait. Are you saying that
they are both at the same time?

-No, separate.
-Okay.

All right.

Let's go. Johnny Carson first.

[Pat] All right, all right. Um…

[clears throat]

[imitating Carson]
Redban's fat. [snickering]

[Tony] Okay, let's go
with the Black pirate.

-[laughter]
-Let's try the Black pirate.

All right, all right.
Here's my Black pirate.

[inhales, clears throat]

-Yo ho, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho!
-[laughter, applause]

-[Tony] All right.
-[Joe] Wow.

[Tony] Indeed.

You make me want to drop a hard "R".

[laughter]

[Pat] Yes, matey.

[laughter]

Now both at the same time.

I have to ask,
where did you get that lovely shirt?

Is that a Jurassic Park shirt?

[laughter]

-President Trump loves Jurassic Park.
-It is.

-We learned this.
-Tony, what a film.

[laughter]

[frog croaks]

[laughter]

Wow.

Pat, what else about you?

I feel like there's more
you're not telling us.

What's something crazy about your life
that we should know?

Uh, I don't know.

From the shirt alone,
I do take a lot of mushrooms.

When you say you take a lot of mushrooms,
how often? How much?

-What are we talking about?
-We're talking once a week.

-Minimum an eighth.
-Wow.

-What do you do when you go on these?
-I need jokes. I have a very boring life.

But what do you tend to do
when you take these mushrooms?

Do you stay inside?

Do you stay in the dark?
Do you go outside?

If you're doing that much once a week,
that's a lot.

-[laughter]
-You're doing a lot with your life.

If fucking Rogan's saying it,
then I'm gonna check myself. God damn it.

Take a few weeks off,
figure out what you learned.

[Pat] I think I'm going to.
This is a reality check.

[laughter]

You can't keep dancing around
with the elves in the Netherworld.

What an incredible intervention
you just had here. Live on Netflix.

-From Joe Rogan. Incredible.
-I know, it's…

Slow down, son.

It's sort of rude,
but it is your club so very well.

-Or don't. Go crazy.
-All right.

It is incredible, Pat.
Well, congratulations.

You had a very fun performance here.

-This is a big Kill Tony joke book.
-[cheers, applause]

Congratulations.

And that is the Kill Tony debut
of Pat O'Neill, everybody.

Fun.

[funky music playing]

All right, let's keep it moving along.

-[crowd exclaims]
-Oh, my goodness. Elon!

[Elon] Oh! No, no, no. X, no!

X… X got a nuclear-- [loud laugh] God.

X got a nuclear warhead.

All right. X.

[Tony] That is your son
with a nuclear warhead, Elon.

[Elon] I know.
X dash 12, one, four, three, five.

Throw that a cube.

All right, stop-- All right.

-Looks like he got into Daddy's ketamine.
-[laughter]

-[Tony] That is…
-A little too much.

[stammers]

I think he has a little too much access.

Elon brings his son Malcolm X27
to every show.

And we love Malcolm X27. He's a great kid.

What's his name?

[stammering]

It's Dash twelve four, three, five,
six, seven, the letter Q,

-that squiggly equals sign…
-C-3PO, the boy.

C-3PO. Yeah. It's really
a Wi-Fi password that I saw,

and I just thought
that would be a great name.

[laughter]

[stammers] He's less a son
and more of a bulletproof vest, you know?

I keep him, like, in front of me.

I've got 14 more, it's not a problem.

[laughter]

I'd like to borrow some of those boys.
I keep getting shot in the head.

[laughter]

I would love to stop getting shot
in the head every few days, but…

[laughter]

I love it.

We are going to get another
one of our regulars out here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is very exciting.

This guy has been a regular
for a couple of years.

One of the most loved people

that write and perform a new minute
almost every single week on this show.

He's been traveling
all around the country.

Make some noise. This is a new minute
from Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen.

-[upbeat music playing]
-[cheers, applause]

♪ It's Santa's birthday
and everybody is invited but the Grinch ♪

[laughter]

[laughs]

All right. Very cool.

Scared yet? All right. Yeah.

Sorry. If I seem a little
off tonight, I'm sick as a dog.

-Because I've been eating cat poop, but…
-[laughter]

Okay. [laughs]

Very cool. It's funny you bring that up,

you know what I always say
about taking Xanax,

"Who stole my fucking cell phone?"

[laughter]

I trusted you.

That's a good point,
especially around the holidays.

They've started calling me
l'enfant terrible, but…

It has been a tough summer,
especially around the winter, and my…

[laughter]

[laughs]

It's getting warmer,

a lot of people looking forward
to the dog days of summer, not me.

I'm looking forward
to the cat days of fall.

[meow plays]

That's when I get to walk around
on the counters

and knock down all the picture frames.

[laughter]

It's been a tough week,
especially around Christmas, I…

[laughter]

I took my mom to Disney World last week.

Went to Epcot. It was really fun.

Italy was beautiful.

[laughter]

Paris… Somalia was pretty scary. Um…

[laughter]

A lot of pirates.

It is funny you bring that up.

It's just getting tougher every week,
and I was meaning to…

Sorry. Sorry, Tony.
It's kind of embarrassing.

I seem to have dropped my bag
of rubies and sapphires.

[laughter]

I come from old money.

I got hundreds of those things.

My daddy discovered
the pastrami sandwich so…

My mommy founded Pinky and the Brain.

But thank you. I'm Casey Rocket.

Have a good night.

-[cheers, applause]
-The odd, silly styles

-of the mysterious Casey Rocket.
-[cheers, applause]

A man who lives a mysterious life.
A big time rock and roll star.

A throwback
to a different time and energy.

-Absolutely wacky and wild.
-Thank you.

-How have things been going, Casey Rocket?
-Going pretty good.

-[Tony] Oh. Whoa. Ten…
-Charmed, I'm sure.

[Tony] Ten dollar bill
and Trump pushed it away

with the energy of the Force.

[laughter]

[Casey] As you can see,
I'm doing just fine.

You want to pass that down?

[laughter]

This money is wet, Casey, you're sweating…

Unbelievably sweaty under there,
aren't you?

-Oops.
-This is wet money, you disgusting pig.

[laughter]

That is fucking gross.

[Casey] Whoops.

[laughter]

[Casey laughs]

Whoops.

Guess I made a little mess.

[Tony] What do you got
in the envelope there, Casey?

Tony, I'm thrilled you asked.

[laughter]

Seems to be sealed
with a wax seal of some kind.

It seems to be very thick.

As you know, as many of you know,
Kill Tony is blood in, blood out.

[laughter]

That's why we haven't seen Heath Cordes
in a long time.

[laughter]

-[Tony] Seems like it's been forever.
-It has been.

Wait, can I say something? Um…

I just want to say something to my son.

Scarecrow, if you're watching this,

come home, all is forgiven.

[laughter]

But I'm going to be taking… [laughing]

I'm going to be taking…

[Donald] That's very nice.
"Scarecrow, we miss you."

"Scarecrow, we love you,

and your father Casey misses you dearly."

"Please come back."

"The Palestinians have abducted Scarecrow,

[laughter]

and I will not rest
until we get Scarecrow back. And…"

[laughter]

[laughs]

We're gonna have to edit
a lot of this out of Netflix.

[laughter]

Oh, my God.

I am gonna be taking
a little break from Kill Tony

and I wrote… I know you asked me,

you said I need to put it in writing,

-and I… This is for you.
-[Tony] Uh-huh.

Wow.

Redban, I'm gonna
have you open yours first.

Oh, okay. Redban,
the "D" is backwards on Redban.

And it's written four times.

[Casey] There's a Polaroid
of my butt cheeks.

[Tony] Ooh.

-What have we got there?
-[Casey] I'm not kidding.

We got a unfiltered cigarette
or a joint, maybe.

-That's a cigarette.
-That's Camel, yeah.

That's clearly
a Camel unfiltered cigarette.

[Casey] Polaroid of my buttcheeks,
as promised.

Those are your buttcheeks?

-There's a photo of his buttcheeks.
-Yeah.

[laughter]

[Casey] You didn't think I was bluffing,
did you?

What have we… Flip it over first.
What do we have here?

[Casey] That's a couple pages
of the script from Hereditary. And…

[laughter]

It's signed by the little girl,
so it's pretty cool.

-[Tony] It actually is.
-[Brian] Really is.

"Annie and Peter's dialogue
from Hereditary."

Yeah, good find. Um…

[laughter]

I'm taking a break. Netflix is
having me reboot Paddington. And…

[Tony] Oh.
Who are you playing in Paddington?

-What do you think?
-[laughter]

You know I'm going to be the bear, baby.

I'm going to be the bear.

And it's sort of Paddington meets
Requiem for a Dream,

-so it should be kind of cool.
-[laughter]

That does sound pretty close
to your actual life, Casey.

Can I open mine now?

-Yes. Take a peek.
-Oh, my goodness.

I'm so excited about this.

-Whoa, $50 to The Cheesecake Factory.
-[cheers, applause]

-All right, guys.
-Oh, man.

-[Brian] What the fuck?
-[Tony] Yeah.

-[laughter]
-This seems backwards.

Hereditary is one of my favorite movies.

-Wow, a Nordstrom gift card?
-[Casey] That's right.

-[cheers]
-Is there actual money on this?

-[stammers]
-[laughter]

And whoa.

Oh, my goodness, I know what this is.

[Casey] That's absolutely right.

There's a bunch of little dinosaur pills

that you put in the sink
and they get bigger.

-[laughter]
-Oh, amazing.

And then, is this what I think it is?

Is this the Dutchman's key?

[Casey vomits]

-Oh, my goodness! Yes, it is.
-[laughter, applause]

It was in his mouth the entire time.

Trick or treat.

[Tony] Wow, what an honor.

[crowd exclaims in disgust]

The dinosaur pills are
sticking to my hands.

[laughter]

[Casey] I pre-wet them for you.

I pre-wet them.

-[laughter]
-Unbelievable.

Casey, I am so grateful.

It really is blood in, blood out,
and I hope you stay in forever.

Good luck
with the Paddington Bear reboot…

-Thanks. Thank you, guys.
-…with everything he does.

That is Casey Rocket,
ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers, applause]

Everyone seems very excited.

Casey Rocket. Absolutely.

The Crab Man!

Tony, I don't want to leave this party,
I'm having a great time,

but I just want to check
on my homie, Big Balls.

-Um… [loud laugh] Big balls. No.
-[laughter]

He's going through the Kill Tony books.
I want to check on him real quick.

-Yeah.
-So, um…

My liege, adieu.

-Goodbye, Mr. President.
-[laughter]

There he goes, Elon Musk,
ladies and gentlemen.

-Wow. How awesome was that.
-[applause]

We have an empty seat

and what's cool is
that we're here in Austin, Texas,

the comedy capital of the world,

and so, luckily,

there's another great comedian
right behind that curtain.

Ladies and gentlemen, joining us
for the remainder of the show,

one of the best in the world,

-make some noise for Tom Segura.
-[upbeat funky music playing]

[cheers, applause]

Oh, yeah, baby.

Bad Thoughts coming out May 13th.

Fuck yeah. Welcome, Tom.

Tom Segura has joined the party.

Are we having a good fucking time tonight
or what?

[cheering]

All right, your next bucket pull,
ladies and gentlemen,

goes by the name of Matty Stu, everyone.

-Matty Stu is next.
-[funky music continues]

Ooh, la. One more time
for Matty Stu, everyone.

[cheers, applause]

Uh… [clears throat]
My brother just came out as non-binary.

[clears throat]
Says he's not my brother or my sister.

[laughter]

Tell you what, pal,

you're definitely not hot enough
to be my cousin.

[applause]

Also, very funny to come out as non-binary
and also be unemployed.

Who the fuck was gonna call you
sir or ma'am anyways?

-[laughter]
-You're in the "Hey, you" tax bracket.

Probably where you're gonna stay.

My dad, he's losing it, too.
He called me the other day.

He goes, "I don't know, Matty.
I'm starting to forget things."

"I think I have early-onset dementia."

Motherfucker, you're 78.

This is on-time dementia.

[laughter]

Right on schedule.

Uh, the US Army just announced

that they're changing the red dots
on the rifle sights to green.

Red dots are green now.

Makes you think we might be
going to war with India.

-[laughter]
-[meow plays]

Very good, Matty Stu.
Have you been on this show before?

Long time ago.
Like three and a half years ago.

Long time ago. Welcome back.

That was a very fun set.
How long you been doing standup?

-About four years.
-Four years.

-All of it here in Texas?
-Right.

I love it. So you're from here?

No, but I've been living here
for about four years. Yeah.

Where were you at before that?

I was in the Navy, actually.
Got out and moved.

Based on your hair, I thought
you were from 10th century England.

[laughter]

You've got the hair of a peasant.

[laughter]

[Tony] That is the President of the--

I don't know what you're laughing at, sir.

That's fucking right.

[laughter]

Holy shit, we got
a real life He-Man action figure

in the front row.
Look at this fucking guy.

Has he been there the whole time?
That's fucking crazy.

[laughter]

Matty Stu, welcome.

What do you do for work,
looking the way you look?

Well, I usually wear a hat,
but I do… I mow lawns.

-Yeah, that makes sense.
-[Tom] Checks out, 1,000%.

[Matty] They're not coming for our jobs
anymore. I'm holding it down.

You're exactly right.
Now that we're getting them back out,

we're going to need
a lot more guys like you.

-White trash.
-[laughter]

White trash, you're back to cutting lawns.
I know you missed it.

And we're making sure you're back.

We salute you very much.

[laughter]

Matty, tell us more about your life.

What would we be surprised
to know about you?

With a haircut like that,
I bet you have some wild stuff.

Something must have
happened to you at some point.

[laughter]

Well, I…

I do a sex move called the ballcuzzi.

-[Tony] Ah, okay.
-I know that's not what you asked,

-but that's the answer.
-Sure, I'll take it. How does that work?

Well, you kind of,
you heat up like a bowl of water.

Well, a mug, really, for me.

And to a simmer, not a boil,

'cause the next thing,
you dump your nuts in,

and then she grabs a straw

and blows bubbles like a hot tub.

[laughter]

Ball koozie, that's it.

-[laughter]
-And you like that?

Yeah, it's more of a foreplay move.

It's not a finisher.
It's not a finisher by any means.

-[laughter]
-Wow.

-Very interesting.
-Opposite of the ice bucket.

It loosens… I don't know what it does.

Interesting. And do you have
a steady girlfriend,

or is this a thing you use
just on one night stands?

I have a beautiful lady in my life,
three years. Yeah.

-We live together. It's been good.
-Wow.

She's the only one blowing bubbles
for these balls. [laughs]

-That makes sense.
-[applause]

I can only imagine.

What does she do for work?

She's like a marketing onboarding
for an at-home care facility.

Much… Pretty honorable work.

[Tony] And you're out mowing.

How many hours a day
do you spend mowing lawns?

-Till the sun goes down, Tony.
-[Tony] Really?

I'm out there pushing.
It's me. I don't have a team.

-[Tony] You don't have a team?
-No.

-[Tony] It's you with a push mower?
-That's right.

-You don't have a riding lawn mower?
-I don't.

We're working up to that. It's…

[Tom] Did you do the hair
before you started doing that

-Or no?
-[Matty] No, I…

-They made me take the hat off.
-Okay. But you started with hair…

Your hair was like this
when you started mowing lawns?

-Yeah.
-[Tom] Wow.

[laughter]

[Tom] It fits.

-It's good.
-Thank you.

It's very interesting. Have you thought
about getting a riding lawn…

Like, I mean, is that a big desire?

It's what we're working up to.
That's the next big…

-Is it your company?
-Yeah.

Matty Mows, baby. Come on.

[audience cheering]

What's up?

-What's up?
-[Donald] And…

now that the Mexicans are gone,

we're gonna get a lot of riding mowers
because the fat whites are back.

[Matty] Come on.

We're not gonna walk.
Frankly, we refuse to walk.

-A lot of riding mowers.
-We'll be sipping Bud Light when we do it.

We are gonna have Bud Light.
You're right.

[Matty laughs]

-Come on, now.
-[Trump] Great plug, dude.

-You're doing great.
-[Matty] Thank you.

Appreciate it.

And Matty Mows is a local Austin company?

That's right. You grow, we mow it, baby.
[laughs]

[Tony] Wow.

-I just made that up now.
-[Trump] Very clever.

We might have to go with that.

[Matty] Veteran-owned
and Mowed is what I…

[Tony] Do you have a website?
How can people find you?

Brick and mortar.
I put flyers around town.

But how could people, if they were,
say, watching the show,

they're not gonna track down your flyer.
How can they find you?

Unfortunately, the marketing is
not that far.

You'll have to get my number outside

-after the show. [chuckles]
-[Tony] Wow!

We're keeping it traditional.

No website, no nothing.

Instagram, Twitter?

I got an Instagram, but we don't post
the mowing on there.

That's more of the comedy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

-Yeah. Tom.
-Hold the fuck on.

How about right now, just fucking say it,

and then do it

-right after the fucking show?
-[man] Yeah.

Yeah, okay, so go to mattymows-dot…

[all laughing]

Bro, no, you got it.

-Maybe like--
-[Matty] Mattymows.cum.

How about like mattymowsatx.com?

[Matty] Mattymowsatx.com and…

No, there's not a chance that's taken.
Just take that.

-Yeah.
-[audience laughing]

Um, I'm also a door guy
at the Sunset Strip.

-[Tony] Nice. All right.
-I work up there.

Well, I do believe
your landscaping company is

about to blow up. So congratulations.

I would definitely get that…

[Matty] You guys got along.
It's gonna take a long time.

I know you guys make a lot of money.
I just have a pusher, but…

If you need someone.

-All right, I'm sorry.
-There you go.

[audience laughing]

Too much?

[Tony] Matty Stu, congratulations.

Fun times. Here's a big joke book.
Thank you.

[audience cheering]

We're having fun here tonight.

[Trump] And at one point during that…
excuse me, excuse me.

Yeah.

[audience cheering]

I witnessed a Latino gentleman here
offer to make his website,

and incredible, frankly,

that we have Mexicans making websites
for white landscapers.

What a great country.

We love this country.

[chuckles]

It is incredible,
the American dream happening here.

Speaking of which, we have
another regular ready to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy,

I mean, again, these guys have
a different role

than all these bucket pulls.

They write and perform
a brand-new minute every week.

This guy misses less shows
than pretty much anybody.

A freak of nature from Orlando, Florida.

This is Kam Patterson.

[audience cheering]

I've realized
some people shouldn't be parents,

and when I say that, I mean my father.
He shouldn't have kids.

I knew he shouldn't have kids.
By the way, he gave me the sex-ed talk.

I was 12 years old, in the seventh grade.

This girl hit me up, said, "Hey, Kam,
I want you to come and fuck me." Right?

And she was also 12, by the way.

It wasn't no grown bitch like,
"Let me suck your dick, little boy."

It was another 12-year-old,

but she lived too far away
for me to ride my bike there,

I couldn't walk over that motherfucker.

So I decided to call the person I knew
with a car,

which was my father.

I was like, "Hey, pops,
girl wants to fuck me."

-"Can you take me to her house?"
-And then he went, "I'm on the way." And…

He took a 12-year-old
to go fuck another 12-year-old.

I don't know what that is, but it has
to be illegal in most states, right?

We got there, he was like,

"Before you fuck her,
put this condom on your dick."

"Have a good time, nigga."

And I went inside, and 15 minutes went by,

I called him, I said, "Hey, pops,
I'm ready. Come back and get me."

And he went, "I never left." [scoffs]

"I've been here the whole time.
Bring your ass outside."

"I knew it was gonna be quick." Right?

And then I get outside and he goes,
"Did you fuck her?"

And I'm like, "No."

"We 12."

"We kissed a little bit,
then I came in my pants,

and now I'm back
in the car with you." Right?

And then he said, "I knew
you weren't ready, you bitch."

And then he drove off.

That was the sex-ed talk
from my father, dawg.

The funny thing is, I watched him give
my little sister the sex-ed talk,

it was totally different.

We'd get ready for high school,
my dad says, "Hey,

you're gonna be fucking and shit,
I just want y'all to be safe."

And he pulls out two…
A lifestyle, and he pulled out a Magnum.

He said, "The guy pull his pants down,
got a little dick, take this Lifestyle,

try to have a good time." Right?

"If the guy pull his pants down,
he got a big dick,

you take this magnum,
you throw it out the window,

you give him the best ride of his life."

"I'm trying to get big dicks
back in the family."

And then I thought back to when I was 12.

He gave me a Lifestyle, man.

I'm Kam Patterson, thank y'all so much.

What the fuck… [chuckles]

Wassup?!

-You've done it again.
-[Kam] We doin' it.

And I love that
your dad's part of this material.

We all know Kenny very well.

-Yeah.
-He's the man.

Probably one of our favorite
fucking family members.

He's a fucking psychopath, dawg.

He is the best.

My legs are shaking.

I want you to know that.

-They are?
-Like a little bitch.

Like a motherfucker.

I'm having a good time.

Kam, next time you tell the joke,

-change the age to a little higher.
-[Kam chuckles]

-Because--
-I was 12.

It doesn't matter.

She was 12.

Yes, this makes your father
look like a real pedophile.

[Kam chuckles]

He's a good guy.

-That is not good. That is bad.
-Psychopath, but a good guy.

-[Kam] I was really--
-That is bad.

It's bad to want your son to have pussy?

-Yes.
-[Kam] Okay.

When he's 12. Yes.

We waited till Barron
was eight feet tall before…

[laughing]

…his first piece of pussy,
and it was Sabrina Carpenter.

-I said, "Sabrina, get in here."
-[Kam laughs]

"You gotta suck Barron's…"

Barron…

Baron's penis is 18 inches long, he's…

from Middle-earth,

and we found him in Middle-earth,
and he's been doing great.

We love Barron.

-[Kam] That's dope.
-Barron.

You said Sabrina Carpenter?

I will fuck that lady.

I would. We're on Netflix.
I would fuck you, ma'am,

if you're cool with that.
I'd like to fuck.

If I could shoot my shot at that,
that's the real here.

Sabrina Carpenter,
I would like to fuck you, ma'am.

-Yes. Yeah
-[audience cheering]

Yeah.

Hello?

-[audience laughing]
-What's up, white bitch? Hello.

-This is good.
-Almost had it,

-and then you blew it right there.
-[Kam laughs]

Almost had it.

Incredible.

Kam, what else is going on in life?

We see you every week.

It's always good to get an update.

But I went back home.

-Last weekend I had shows in Orlando…
-[Tony] Uh-huh.

…that shit was dope.
Uh, life is different now.

It's weird going back home.
I got two different friends.

My mama stays in the suburbs.
My dad stays in the hood.

So, when my friends collide, it's strange.

I got a homeboy that's a cop.

And I don't like that at all.

And I got a bunch of homeboys,
they don't sell drugs, we're on Netflix.

But they drive trucks and…

[audience laughing]

They're truck drivers
and they're good at it.

And like some of the best
I've ever seen in my life, really.

And…

The cop was like, "I can arrest
everybody in here right now, dawg."

And what scared me is
he's told me something.

"I'm getting ready
to be undercover soon."

And I told my homeboy,
"You see that, nigga?"

"Get a good look at his face, dawg,

he the police."

That is incredible.
This is a Black guy?

No, he's white. He's white.

Your homey is white?

All of them.

Wait…

[Kam] No, I'm lying, nigga Black.
The fuck…

[dramatic music plays]

What the fuck was that, Redban?

-Nobody knows.
-What kind of sound was that,

you fucking retard?

-That was crazy.
-Dramatic chipmunk.

Okay.

Ah…

-Interesting.
-What the fuck is going on, man?

-[Tony] Everything's good.
-Great.

Kam, you had another great set
that was two minutes long.

[Kam] Yeah.

Only the regulars get to go longer than
a minute and you do it every single week.

What's your process?
Where do you come up with this stuff?

I wake up every Monday
and I pray to God I have a minute.

-That's it.
-[audience laughs]

-[Tony] Stop.
-Most days I do not.

Most days I'm shittin' and I go,

"That should be funny,"
and it's not funny.

Sometimes it's bullshit,

and I go out and say, "Nigga" a lot,
and it works a little bit.

-[audience laughs]
-That's the great strategy I have.

Come out and say "Nigga" off the dribble,
and they go… That's all.

See it's working now.

[Trump] We love that.
That's very fun for us.

[laughs]

We're not allowed to say it yet,

but we've got a new bill
we're working on and…

[audience laughing]

There's been a mandate
from the fat whites.

We want to say it again.

The fat whites are tired of not saying it.

No.

No. [laughs]

[laughs]

Kam, we love you.

You've done it again.

You are the man.

Every week, Kam Patterson,
an unstoppable force.

[audience cheering]

And it goes on and on.

We have another special treat,
ladies and gentlemen.

one of the great friends of the show,

here to pop in just to grace us
with his presence for a moment.

Make some noise for the one and only

the Roastmaster General,
Jeffrey Ross, everyone.

[audience cheering]

Holy shit!

What's up, Austin, Texas?

-[audience cheering]
-This is all right.

Wow, man.

This is streaming live on Netflix
right the fuck now.

-Fuck yeah!
-Pretty cool, huh?

This is the most controversial thing
to happen to streamings since R. Kelly.

[audience laughing]

Tony. I am so Proud Boy of you.

[audience laughing]

Everyone loves you.

This panel, you got the great Tom Segura,

my old pal from New York, President Trump,

his new secretary of steak,

Joe Rogan.

[audience laughing]

[Jeff chuckles]

I wasn't even supposed to be here.

The President put me
on the text chain by accident.

[laughing]

Thank you for that, Mr. President.

Tony.

Tony, I can't believe all this, man.

You're even starting to talk
like a Texan now.

You're always saying
to Joe and his buddies,

"Y'all come on my back now, ya hear?"

[all laughing]

I'm kidding.

Tony's not gay.

He only sucks his own dick.

[all laughing]

That's not gay.

I love it so much.

Redban, congrats to you, too.

What a journey you guys had.

You've really gone far
in this business, Brian,

especially looking like
a sommelier for barbecue sauce.

[all laughing]

Thank you.

Tony, I'm so happy
you got that big Netflix deal.

Don't spend it all
at one belt buckle store, okay?

-Yeah.
-[audience cheering]

Joe, I love this mothership club.

I love this club so much.

Thank you for building this. Sure.

[audience applauds, whistles]

Thank you for building this amazing temple
of free speech, seriously.

And if your pal Elon,
needs to use the men's room,

just tell them it's over there.

[audience laughing]

I love you, Kill Tony!

[Tony] Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross,
ladies and gentlemen.

Hell, yeah!

Absolutely awesome.

We have another
very special drop in back to back.

This guy's been a guest
on this show before.

And I'm getting word

that he is here and ready to do a set.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for the long awaited return of RFK Jr.

[audience cheering]

All right.

[audience cheering]

My wife, Cheryl Hines' pussy is so dry.

[audience laughing]

But if it could talk,
it would sound like me.

It actually used to be very wet.

Cheryl Hines' pussy

was so big and wet,

my uncle Teddy drowned a hooker in it.

[audience laughing and cheering]

Speaking of pussies,

I see a lot of vaccinated people
in the audience.

It looks like
a goddamn Asperger's convention out there.

By the way, I should say,
I know my face looks dark.

I promise

it's not Blackface.

I rub bear feces on it
for exfoliation purposes.

So that's what that is.

My God, you people are fat here in Texas.

The elevator at my hotel

said maximum capacity 2000 lbs.

Could have just said one at a time.

Fat piece of…

Speaking of one at a time…

That's what Marilyn Monroe said

when my uncle and father
tried to spit roast her.

I just heard a meow.

I actually know by that meow

that is an English long haired tabby cat.

It's the most delicious
of the domesticated felines.

Anyway. That's it.

All right. What do you got for me, Tony?

-[audience cheering]
-RFK Jr., ladies and gentlemen.

-I got to tell you--
-By the way, I should say,

if you are going to prepare the tabby cat,

it's very difficult to prepare it.

You have to boil them.

And it's gotta go in live like a lobster.

[Tony] You eat the cats?

Yeah, you eat…
It's a delicious meat--

They are eating cats. Yeah.
They're eating.

I wasn't lying. They are. Now…

RFK is another member
of my retarded team of Avengers.

I've gathered a gang of retarded guys,
and we are taking over.

A lot like Kill Tony.

I've gathered retarded guys,

and we're in the highest office
in the land.

We have no business being there,

much like this show
has no business being on Netflix.

[audience laughing]

What a disgrace Netflix has become.

They just let any retarded guy on here.

Tires comes out soon. [laughs]

[Tony] It does.

June 5th…

on Netflix.

Season two of the funniest show, Tires.

By the way, I should let everybody know

that there is a minor
measles outbreak in the building.

Don't panic.

The Netflix executives
are vomiting profusely,

which is actually a good sign.

They're getting it out, so…

If you go home
and you feel a little delirious,

just, you know,
make some koala bone broth,

if you gotta.

Put some socks on your hands
so you don't claw your eyes out.

I just wanna…
You know, a public announcement.

The fans of the show
absolutely loved your appearance

-as a guest on this show.
-Thank you.

During that, you were drinking
fermented bat urine.

It was fermented owl urine, actually.

Fermented bat urine will make you go blind
if you have too much of it.

-[Tony laughs]
-It's actually a very dangerous urine.

I've tasted all of the urines,

and the bat urine,
trust me, is the worst one.

You don't wanna mess with that.

Now, the feces of a bat
is actually quite good for you if you…

Get a load of that.

-[Tony] What does it do for you?
-It's just good for…

You know,
it's got the peptides in it, and…

it'll clear you out.

Anyway, I also have a delicious bat soup.

A lot of my recipes are in my cookbook,

BBQ-ing with RFK Jr., which is out now.

A lot of great recipes
that you guys would probably enjoy.

[Tony] You have a new cookbook.

-We didn't know that.
-Yeah.

You had a Christmas album
the last time I saw you.

I try to push my merch on this show.

[Tony laughs]

Wow. RFK Jr.
with one of the sets of the night.

Everything else is good?

Anything else we should know about you
before letting you go?

I just I want to give a shout-out
to my betrothed,

beloved Cheryl Hines.

[Tony laughs]

I wanna give a shout-out to her.
Love you, baby.

[Tony] We love her.

You guys were on the show together
once before at the LA Forum.

It's so good to have you back.

Um… RFK Jr.

-Thank you.
-[RFK Jr.] Thank you all very much.

Watch out for the beast.

-[audience cheering]
-Incredible.

We keep it moving along.

All right, your next bucket pull.

We actually know this guy.

He's a famous British podcaster.
We've all done his show.

He's been on Rogan multiple times.

This is, I think, my first time
ever seeing him do standup.

This is a minute uninterrupted
from Francis Foster, everyone.

Francis Foster.

Hello. Lovely to be here.

I'm British,
so I'll be your diversity act for tonight.

[speaking Spanish] Hi! Good afternoon,
my Latinos! How are you?

-[audience cheering]
-[speaking Spanish] I see you!

[in English] You can't believe John Oliver
with brain damage

able to learn another language.

But here's the thing.
People always go to me,

"Francis, what's the difference
between Britain and America?"

And there's only one.

In Britain, we stab people.

In America, you shoot people.

Yeah, and the reason we stab people is…

we're not afraid of doing
a bit of physical exercise.

Because when you stab someone,
you engage your legs, your core.

You need to be like,
"One, two, three, four!"

I know when I get stabbed in London,

my murderer is running away
a healthier, happier human being.

But I love America, 'cause it's a land
of beautiful women and mediocre men.

[audience member cheers]

Yeah. And I don't want
American men getting offended,

'cause I'm from England,
where women look like me.

[audience laughing]

Listen, in England,
I'm a hot piece of arse, lads.

You know, if you were shagging me,
you'd be texting your mate going,

"I can't believe I'm fucking a nine here."

[audience laughing]

-But traveling has taught me--
-[loud roar]

-[Tony] Go ahead. You want to finish it?
-Yeah.

Okay. Traveling has really
only taught me one thing.

Every culture
has strengths and weaknesses.

Like, take the Chinese culture.

Amazing art, history,
literature, philosophy, food.

-Shit music.
-[audience laughing]

Nobody has ever walked
into a Chinese restaurant and gone,

"Fucking hell, Dave.
This one's a banger, innit, mate?"

"Yeah. Do you hear that, bruv?
That's the xylophone."

"Dave, where you going, mate?
The harp's about to kick in."

"It's gonna get fucking peaceful in here."

Nobody's ever walked
into an Indian restaurant and gone,

"You know what?
No starters or mains for me."

"Just the dessert."

And no one's ever walked
into a British restaurant…

[audience laughing]

Ah. There it is, Francis Foster.

Usually, people's last jokes,

I let them finish it,
I think they're quick.

Leave it to a British guy to try to take
over territory that doesn't belong to him.

-[Francis laughs]
-Welcome, Francis.

This is your first time
on this show, right?

-It is.
-[Tony] I love it.

You signed up.

Here you are,
a Brit living the American dream.

How does it feel?

-It feels like freedom.
-[Tony] Yeah.

But I've got to be honest,
because sometimes,

when you do jokes in the UK, you're like,

"Are you gonna laugh or lynch me?
One of the two."

[Tony] Yeah, they are
a little weird over there.

We have the O2 Arena coming up in June.

[Francis] I'll visit you in prison, Tony.

You think we could get in trouble?
What could they possibly do?

Do they arrest Americans
for doing comedy shows?

I've seen your George Floyd joke.

-[Tony] Well, okay.
-[audience laughing]

-Kind of giving it away there, but…
-[Francis laughs]

Seriously, you think I have a chance
of getting in trouble?

-No. No, no, no.
-[Tony] Right.

It's in Scotland.

In Scotland, you can get arrested.

So they brought in a hate speech law,

which means that if you make a joke

which is deemed to be offensive
to a reasonable person,

you can get put in jail
for up to five years.

Wow. Has that happened to a comedian?

No, not yet. But you could be the first.

[Tony] Ooh la la.

I love it.

Francis, you and your podcast partner…

What's his name?

That fills me with so much joy
that you've forgotten it.

It's Konstantin Kisin.

Uh-huh. You guys talk about serious stuff.

President Trump, go ahead.

I don't like British people.

[all laughing]

When you talk about America,
it makes me sick,

because your country is gay.

What a bunch of gay guys.

You're all ugly. Your women are ugly.
You have terrible teeth.

You're nothing without us.

Without us, you'd be
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?", wouldn't you?

To be fair, you turned up
about three years too late, Mr. Trump.

You didn't like that.
That's a history joke.

What do you mean by that?

Pearl Harbor.

You only got involved
because of Pearl Harbor.

[Tony] God, what the fuck?

[Trump] Let's talk World War II.
I love it.

[all laughing]

Churchill was a racist,
and England needs to get out of Ireland.

-[Francis laughs]
-[audience cheers]

President Trump laying down the law.

It's almost like we've got
an Irishman there, Shane.

Francis, you are English,

and somehow,
you're bad at speaking English.

[Francis laughs]

Uh, what's something crazy we should know
about you before letting you go?

Half Venezuelan.
Saw the rise of communism in my country.

So I've kind of spent a lot of time
talking about it,

explaining what's been going on,
all the rest of it.

-[Tony] Did anybody understand?
-[chuckles]

"Hibbidi hobbidi, communism,
spreading the bibbidi bobbidi…"

-[Francis chuckles]
-[continues speaking gibberish]

[braying]

[Tony] What the hell
is going on over there?

Now that's good American comedy, isn't it?

We got the horn at the end.

We love the horn, don't we?

[horn toots]

Oh. That's good stuff. Play it again.

-You're gonna wake up this big fucker.
-[horn toots]

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

-[braying]
-[Tony laughing]

Wake up, sir.

Smile once.

[audience laughing]

You sign up for the show?
Yeah, fucking you, dude.

[audience cheering]

So fun.

Francis, thanks for signing up.
There's a medium joke book.

-[audience exclaims]
-He didn't catch it.

-British people can't catch.
-They can't catch.

They can't catch 'cause they're gay
and they play soccer.

[Tony laughs]

There he goes.
Francis Foster, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, you have one?
You got it right now?

Let's see-- I'm getting word
that we have an instant replay available

of him trying to catch that.

We have the great director
from the UFC, Anthony Giordano.

Let's see a British guy try to catch
a simple toss from a joke book.

I mean, literally,

the two hands that he has out
are doing nothing.

Look at it bounce
right off the British chest

-of Stink Floyd over here…
-[horn tooting]

…fucking John Awfuller.

I mean, incredible.

Keep that sound effect going.

There you go, Redban. This is Kill Tony.

[Trump] Those are good American horns,
Redban. Keep them coming.

[Tony] A British guy
trying to catch Texas leather

is impossible.

Absolutely amazing.

Only on Kill Tony
do we have powerful instant replay.

Let's get another bucket pull up here.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll meet this guy all together.

Make some noise for Brian Lirot.
Or Li-roh.

Brian Lirot. Lirot.

All right.

-How we doing, everybody?
-[audience cheers]

Good?

I haven't had a girlfriend in a while.

I haven't had a partner in a while.

I used to see someone who's part
of the LGBTQ+ community.

Their pronouns were she/they,
and they taught me all sorts of stuff.

One day they turned to me
while having sex.

They're like, "Brian, since we have sex,

that technically makes you gay."

Which I thought was pretty neat, you know,

because "Gay Pussy"
was my nickname in high school.

-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

Guess you are what you eat, right?

They like to dirty-talk,
which I'm not very good at that,

which you can probably tell.

I don't have a voice
designed for dirty talk.

God did not design my voice
to say "okey-dokey," or…

Actually, God did design my voice
to say "okey-dokey."

Sorry, I've been hanging out
in a barn for the last hour.

This voice doesn't run in my family.

I'm the only guy
who sounds like this in my family.

We're not like
the Keebler Elves, you know.

But my cousin, she interrupted me
while I was talking one time,

and she was just like,

"Hey, Brian, you kind of sound
like a parrot taught you how to talk."

It caught me off guard.
I was just like, "What?" You know, like…

Like, "Whatever, bitch,
pass the crackers," you know?

All right. Thank you, guys.
Sorry about that. [laughs awkwardly]

[Tony] Brian Lirot?

-Li-roh.
-Lirot. Brian Lirot.

-It's French.
-[Tony] What is that?

-It's French.
-[Tony] French.

[Tony] You're French?

-Uh, I'm from Chicago, so…
-[Tony] Okay.

We're technically French
as far as the last name goes,

but I have, like,
freckles and stuff, so…

I'm American, I guess.

-Texas. Yeah.
-All right.

-I don't know.
-What do you do for work?

I'm a camera guy for reality TV shows.

That's why I'm here.
I'm just passing through.

I work for a show
called Love After Lockup.

What a great show.
We love that show. Yeah.

People get out of-- Yeah, I guess.

They get out and we film them.

We started to do that
with things we had in cages,

and we film them and we…

[Lirot] Yeah.

A lot of people say I don't have
a good sex voice, but I do.

You do have a good sex voice. I like it.

"I'm about to cum."

[audience laughing]

I say, "I'm gonna cum."

And… then I cum.

The President of the United States.

Brian, how long have you been
doing standup comedy?

For, like, ten years-ish, I guess.
A while.

-[Tony] Ten years?
-Yeah.

And all of that in Chicago?

Pretty much. Yeah.

What's the craziest thing you've seen
on the show that you camera-man for?

Well, we were just in Louisiana,
and we just got guns pulled on us,

because we're told not to stop filming
when they tell us to stop filming

when they get mad at us.

We've never done that in Louisiana.

When they're like, "Stop filming,"
we're like, "No."

And they're like,
"All right, well, how about now?

We're like, "That's a good point.
Yeah. We're gonna stop now."

[chuckles] So now we're here.

Yeah, I'm going to Lubbock, Texas next,
if you guys have any suggestions.

[audience cheers, whistles]

What do you mean? Suggestions for what?

I don't know, places to eat, stuff to do.

Things not to say
so you don't have guns pulled on you.

They have guns, too,
just know that. In Lubbock.

Yeah. Well, they got 'em.

They got 'em everywhere. I'm sorry.

What do you do for fun, Brian,
when you're not working?

Uh, pretty much, looking at it,

uh, just kind of get drunk and do standup.

Hang out.

Yeah, I just got a Wii Switch,
or a Nintendo Switch.

I've been doing that a bit.

One of the most boring interviews
in the history of the show.

-Can you come up with something else?
-Yeah.

I get pussy,
and I fucking shoot guns at people.

[chuckles awkwardly] I don't know.

I know. I… I know.

I know. I'm sorry. I'll try to be--

Who do you think you are?
Kyle Rittenhouse?

Yeah. That'd be cool.

Kyle gets a lot of pussy.
I've seen him get pussy.

One time, me and Kim's dad
drove him to get pussy.

We put little Kyle in there.
We said, "Hop in."

[chuckles]

Yeah.

And we got him a magnum, 'cause…

he had a big penis.

If you saw the show,
you would've got that.

Pretty good, yeah. I've been in a barn.

Brian, you say that you get a lot of pussy
and you shoot guns.

It seems like you're trying
to come across as cool.

What's something embarrassing about you?

What's something--

I got this weird thing on my neck.

I don't have health insurance.
I'm trying to lean like this.

-[Tony] What is it?
-I don't know what it is.

Joe Rogan, you know what this is?

[Joe] Yeah, that's staph infection.

I've had it for years now.

-[Joe] You're gonna die.
-Yeah.

That's what I've been thinking.

You've never gotten it checked out?

I haven't had the, you know…

I don't have health insurance.

-Wow. Well--
-I don't know who's gonna check.

I actually know--

And that's why we love this country
and our healthcare system.

We've got a great system,
and the guy has a lump on his neck.

-We say, "You have to die."
-[Lirot laughs]

"We don't like guys with lumps,
so we're gonna get rid of them."

-How many years have you had it?
-Since Covid.

I don't know why. Yeah.

It could be-- Well, yeah. I don't know.

It happened during Covid,
but I don't think it is--

[Tom] Has it been growing?
Looks like it.

-No. I've been picking at it recently.
-[Tom] That's good.

No, that could make it go away.

That was my recent thought.
Like, "I got to get through this."

-Just shave it hard.
-[Lirot] So… Yeah.

Have you not thought of, maybe,
an urgent care thing.

I went to one and they were like…
[groans]

-[Tom] That's what they…
-Yeah.

-They were like, "You're gross. Get out."
-Exactly!

They gave me antibiotics
and it did nothing.

-[Tony] Let's see it.
-It's right here.

Relax, guys. You're being mean.

[Tom] It's close to the jugular,
which is cool.

Yeah. That's why I don't want to pop it,
because I don't want to, like…

People will think I killed myself,
and I was just trying to pop a zit.

-Well, the crowd's encouraging you.
-[Lirot] I know.

[Tony] The crowd is chanting, "Pop it!"

-It'd be a big joke book if you pop it?
-Incredible.

Have you tried?

Yeah, like, a day ago!

-I tried not to touch it today--
-[Tony] You did pop it?

No, I've been trying for years.

[Redban] Does it sweat
or anything like that?

-Okay. All right, Redban.
-[laughter]

Does something come out
when you try to pop it?

No, I feel like a huge pussy
every single time, 'cause…

-Let it grow.
-…I didn't push it.

I let it alone for a while.
I grew a little beard.

But the beard didn't look good enough
to cover it.

[Tom] No, own it.
Don't grow a beard.

Just have a huge goiter on your face.

Yeah. I know, it fucking sucks.

The good news is RFK Jr.
is right backstage,

and he most likely
will have a solution for your problem.

Um, in the meanwhile, Brian Lirot.

Here you go. Here's a little joke book.

Keep it moving on.

Wow.

-Thank you.
-[Tony] There he goes.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are in
for a special treat right now.

Here to perform a standup comedy set,

I present to you,
the 2023 guest of the year.

The Kill Tony Hall of Famer.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a set
from the one and only Dr. Phil.

[cheers, applause]

[Dr. Phil theme music playing]

Kill Tony legend…

[cheers, applause continuing]

the great Dr. Phil has arrived.

[music ends]

Austin, Texas, how we feel?

Make some motherfucking noise
if you're excited to be alive tonight.

Who's excited?
Keep it going for Kill Tony, huh?

Joe Rogan, Donald Trump, Tom Segura.

Prepared a few statements, quick shout-out
to everybody watching at home on Netflix.

And I don't want to forget
the people at home on Tubi

watching 2 Girls 1 Cup.

[laughter]

Let's get into this.

Give it up for Brian Redban, everybody,
the administrator of the show.

[applause]

And everybody knows Brian Redban
is over there doing his damnedest.

Everyone's always wondering,
"What is he up to? What's he doing?"

Is he playing with sound cues?

Well, I actually found out what Brian's
been doing, and I wrote it down.

Brian's actually spending most of the show

e-mailing Kanye's merch guy,

to find out
when they're selling shirts in XXXLs.

So you can give it up for Brian Redban.

-Brian's so fat he's got type 2 diabetes…
-[applause]

I'm sorry I said that wrong.

-He's got two types of diabetes.
-[laughter]

Casey Rocket was here.
Keep it going for Casey Rocket.

What a fucking legend.

Casey looks like he makes meth

using the same test tube
he was conceived in,

which is a big deal for somebody.

Casey is so high energy,
he goes all the way up to 11

when he's setting the age range
on his Tinder profile.

Now…

Okay, that's not for everybody.

[laughter]

"Casey's Adderall is laced with fentanyl,"
I wrote.

I don't know what goes off more.

Casey's Fitbit or Kam's ankle bracelet.

That can't…

You know, Kam is on TV tonight,

but before this,
the only time you could see him

was on the security footage at Walmart.

Kam looks like he was breastfed

Mad Dog 20/20.

That's a fun joke
you can tell at a barbecue.

Kam…

Kam is now famous. Women are all over him.

This dude would be swimming in pussy

if he knew how to fucking swim.

-But… he can't.
-[plays sting]

Thank you so much for that.

[applause]

What else we got?
I remember the first time I saw Kam,

he was screaming "world star"
in the back of a Waffle House.

[laughter]

There was a fight going on.
He made his way to the forefront.

Kam's got the attitude of Tupac
and the outfit of Threepac,

three pack of Hanes undershirt.

That sounded funnier
on the drive over here.

Kam was here tonight,
which begs the question.

Kam, if you're here, who's stealing my car

-in Grand Theft Auto, you know?
-[laughter]

Okay, again,
we'll probably cut that one out.

[laughter]

You guys hear about the astronauts
that got caught up in space?

Yeah. Yeah, The astronauts
were like, "We'll be right back."

And then space was like, "Well,

we're gonna keep it right here."

[laughter]

When I first heard the astronaut
was up there that long,

I figured Kam Patterson's dad
just went out for a pack of smokes again.

All right, I didn't write that one.
I don't know how that got there.

Speaking of never coming back,
George Foreman died, RIP,

keep it going for George Foreman,
which is…

-[cheers, applause]
-It's very sad news.

In related news, Netflix just booked him

to box against Jake Paul next month.

-So that's…
-[laughter]

Tony Hinchcliffe is here.
Keep it going for Tony,

one of the the founders
of the new wave of movement.

Tony actually grew up wrestling.

Tony grew up wrestling his only opponent,

his sexuality.

There's something…

-[laughter]
-Tony's a sweet guy with kind eyes

and a huge cock.

Tony, if you're here
who's haunting an abandoned carnival?

[laughter]

You look like the first opponent
in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.

That sounded funny.

Tony looks like he has a pending lawsuit
against the Boy Scouts of America.

When Tony wears a cowboy hat,

he looks like an EDM DJ
on Brokeback Mountain.

These are just jokes you can tell

at a circumcision or a funeral.

Tom Segura is here.

You look like a baby that survived 'Nam.

-All right, that's… Yeah.
-[laughter]

Keep it going for William Montgomery,
by the way.

That's one of my favorite guys.

I don't know if he'll be here,
but this is a guy…

I'm obsessed with William Montgomery

or as I like to call him,

Special Ed Sheeran.

-[laughter]
-William is my spirit animal.

Keep it going for the only guy
who gets a nosebleed

every time he eats pussy.

This guy… Okay, all right.

You're right not to laugh.
That's just a fact. That's not a joke.

William looks like a mechanic
that only works on unicycles, I wrote.

I said, "William might be the only comic

who got here by the Oregon Trail."

[laughter]

William looks like a leprechaun
instead of a pot of gold.

He's got a shopping cart
full of copper wire.

[laughter]

I love you, William,
and he's never gonna stop.

William Montgomery is never…

"I ain't never gonna stop!"

Yeah, hearing the voices
in your head, you know?

[laughter]

All right, William
looks like Chucky from Rugrats

after three tours in Vietnam.

That's another 'Nam joke.

[laughter]

I think that's it.

I wrote "Redban's fat."

-I don't know. There's, you know…
-[laughter]

-That's it outta me, Dr. Phil.
-Dr. Phil.

[cheers, applause]

I appreciate the time.

-[Tony] Dr. Phil…
-Thank you so much.

-…is back in the Kill Tony Universe.
-[Dr. Phil theme music playing]

Hall of Famer, guest of the year 2023.

Good to be back.
Keep it going for Kill Tony.

This is a special night to be alive.

-This is exciting for you.
-A panel of gangsters. Feeling good.

You were at some
of Donald Trump's rallies.

-What's it like?
-I was. Good to see you again.

You crushed.

Good to see you. Thank you.

You did great.

[laughter]

Well, I had to.

-Good.
-Yeah.

[laughter]

You know,
it was a nerve wracking situation.

You want to impress the president,
but also the people that were there.

You have a lot of followers.

You got more followers there
than are on Facebook, I think.

Absolutely.

[laughter]

[Tony] Dr. Phil.

Joe, you got anything?
Anything you want to…

-Nothing.
-Great.

[laughter]

-[Dr. Phil] Tony, go ahead.
-We love you, Dr. Phil.

You're a legend on this show.
Everything else is good? You've been good?

Everything's great.

Writing a new series of children's books.

You know, Kids Are People Too, right?

Which is the second series of books.

The first chunk of books

is called Strippers are People Too.

And then Kids are People Too,
and then We've All Got Problems to Solve.

And Who Picked That Shirt?

Might be another book I come out with.

Where do you get
a shirt like that in 2025, sir?

-My father's.
-Your father's, great.

We'll be right back.
Now there's something…

Way to suck the energy out of the room
with your dead dad joke.

Everything's going great,
having a good time, excited for the year.

Congrats on the show.
Congrats on another…

I heard you'll run
for 20 more terms or some shit.

At least three more terms.

[laughter]

[cheers, applause]

Anything's possible.

Anything's possible
if you put your mind to it.

[Tony] You've said that in your book.

I did. Yeah, thanks for reading it.

Dr. Phil has books, children's books,
he's got it all.

-And a special on Netflix.
-A special on Netflix you can check out.

Make good choices, stop, drop and roll,

shave your head, your back, your pussy
and your crack, we'll be right back.

-Dr. Phil, ladies and gentlemen.
-[upbeat music playing]

[man] Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!

[Tony] Let's slam through a couple more
bucket pulls here, shall we?

Ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise
for Sebastian "Seabass" Fowler.

Sebastian "Seabass" Fowler.

-Yeah!
-[applause]

What's going on, guys?

I was on the dark web earlier.
Turns out my computer was just off.

[laughter]

Not everybody's into dark humor.
It's okay.

Little bit about me. I'm a bit of
a pothead or a pot feet if you will.

I like to smoke every once in an hour.

I think I get it from my dad.

My dad was the biggest stoner of all time,
but he actually gave up smoking.

To be fair, he gave up breathing.

[scattered laughter]

Oh! He went from super dad to super dead.

[laughter]

People love dad jokes.

They always get so weird
about dead dad jokes.

It's like there's this fine line
and my dad crossed it.

[laughter]

He was 5'9".
He always wanted to be six-foot.

[crowd exclaiming]

Oh! Be careful what you wish for.

[chuckles]

Rock and roll. If you sing
Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon"

and "The Wizard of Oz",
you sync 'em up together,

the results will shock you because
100% of the time you're unemployed.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Rock and roll. It's a long minute.
[laughs]

[laughter]

-Okay, cool.
-[meow plays]

Thank you. Thank God.

-Okay.
-There you go.

-[applause]
-There you go.

Hello, Mr. Hinchcliffe.

-Why do they call you Seabass?
-It's an inescapable nickname.

Since middle school, tried to change it,
can't get rid of it.

So I'm Seabass.

But why?
Why did they start calling you Seabass?

Probably from the fact
my name is Sebastian.

It's just a shorter amount
of letters, words.

Okay, that makes sense.
How old are you, Sebastian?

I'm 31 years old.

Thirty one. How long
you been doing standup?

Two years, five months and a week.

-Okay. Where at?
-In San Diego.

-San Diego.
-[man] Let's go, baby!

-[cheers]
-Let's go, baby.

This is set number 684.

[laughter]

Okay.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Okay.

[Tony] All right. What do you do for work?

Um, so, back home,
I'm like an Uber driver,

and I also-- I know, it's not very cool.

But I also play drums on the street,
like, I just make money doing drums.

-Really?
-Street drums are done.

We're done with street drums.

[laughter]

We're gonna arrest you if you do that now.

Lucky for you,
we've got a good landscaping job lined up.

[laughter]

They said when we got rid of the Mexicans,
we'd have no one to work.

Look at all the loser Whites
we have in this country.

We've got an army of loser Whites.

Every fucking name we pull out of there
is another loser.

And they can work. Do you do mulch?

[laughter]

-I'll do whatever you like.
-Exactly. We have mulch.

[laughter]

-I like your pants.
-Thank you very much.

What is up with those? With the leggings?

So I've been riding my bike across America
for the last 35 days from San Diego,

to right here, for this show,
specifically for the chance.

And I'm so grateful to fucking be here.

[[cheers, applause]]

Rock and roll!

Hold on.

Hold on a second.

Hold on.

You've been riding
your bicycle from where?

-San Diego?
-[Sebastien] From San Diego.

-To here?
-Yes, on a BMX bicycle.

[crowd exclaims]

I've actually been watching
your journey, man.

-It's been amazing.
-Thank you.

[Tony] What?

-You've been watching?
-[Brian] Yeah. every day.

-It's this one speed BMX bike and it--
-[laughter]

Redban actually liked one of my stories
and it was a picture of my lunch.

[laughter]

I fucking hate this guy.

-[sting plays]
-[laughter]

I still love you, Redban.

Wow. Look at this argument
between Seabass and fat ass.

[laughter]

Does… Does your bike have a name?

I named it Rudy.

I was hoping you didn't so I could say
you rode through the desert

on a bike with no name.

[laughter]

It did have a name and the joke's ruined.

[laughter]

I have a rubber duck named Wilson.

-That's not helping, either.
-No, I know that.

What made you pick this date
to come to Kill Tony?

What made you pick this random Monday
for a show that we film every single week?

The thing was, when I started,
I couldn't imagine when I would get here.

You know, just it was a matter of--

I rode 70 miles today
from Kingsland like at 6:00 a.m.

I worked really fucking hard
to like be here tonight.

[cheers, applause]

Fuck yeah, dude.
I rode through Hill Country.

I did the whole Hill Country
on the opposite side of the 71

just bombing on a BMX,
trying not to die, like, there's--

There's like four bad drivers in Texas,
and they're all on that highway.

[laughter]

I don't know. It all just worked out.
It's like a universal thing.

There's this guy skateboarding
from North Carolina to California.

And he got here today, too.

[Tony] Hold on a second.

-I know!
-Stop. Wait.

Say that again.

-Skateboarding from where?
-There's a man named John Underhill

skateboarding from North Carolina
to Los Angeles, California.

And he's taken 72 days so far
to get to Austin,

and I got here in 35 days,

so there's no way
we could have planned this.

But we had beers at Shakespeare's,
and a burger at El Camino.

And I fucking love Texas, dude.

[cheers, applause]

-It happens to all of us.
-Rock and roll, bro.

[grunts]

Yeah, dude.

[grunts]

[grunts]

I'm sorry. Please go ahead.

-This is crazy.
-A little excited.

So you're bicycling from west to east,

and there's a guy skateboarding
from east to west.

Coincidentally,
you both landed in Austin, Texas,

to sign up for this show today.
Did you guys know each other before?

So he's not a comedian.

I'm trying to be the first comedian
to do a tour by bicycle

'cause I hear you got to hit the road,
right? To be a real comic.

And so I was like,
"Fuck it, I'll ride my bike."

[laughter]

Wow.

That is not what that means.
But that's fucking--

[laughter]

-That's awesome, dude.
-[Tony] It is now.

-How long have you played drums?
-I've been playing drums--

Well, my dad played for Steelheart,
back in, like, the--

That's a total different answer.
How long have you been playing?

Okay. Seven years.

Seven years? Do you think you're good?

I think I'm okay.

-Should we have a Mexican Drum-Off, guys?
-[cheers, applause]

Let's see real quick.

-Let's do a drum solo real fast.
-["La Raspa" playing]

Michael, make some space over there

and let's just try
to knock it out real fast.

There's a tradition on this show

where if somebody knows how to play drums,

we give them a 20-30 second drum solo.

And if they win, technically,
the audience decides who wins.

If they win, then they become
the new drummer on the show.

It's never happened before.

The audience always decides
and we're gonna find out.

Right? Come on, Sebastian.
Don't fucking hug him right now.

Sit down. We're doing a show.

Sit down. Jesus Christ,
hugging Michael Gonzales.

Ladies and gentlemen, here with
the drum solo, this is a Mexican Drum-Off.

This is Sebastian "Seabass" Fowler.

Here he is, starting now.

[drum solo]

-[Tony] Okay. All right.
-["La Raspa" playing]

[applause]

His father is rolling
in his grave right now.

Michael Gonzales,
finish this up real quick.

[laughter]

Real quick.

This is defending for his job,
believe it or not.

With an easy win,
this is Michael Gonzales.

[drum solo]

-[Tony] There it is.
-["La Raspa" playing]

[cheers, applause]

Pretty fun.

How many of you have
Sebastian Fowler winning?

[laughter]

How many of you
have Michael Gonzales winning?

Sebastian, this is a big joke
but just for playing along,

there he goes. Sebastian Fowler.

[cheers, applause]

There he goes, Sebastian Fowler.
This guy does not know how to leave.

[laughter]

Okay, I pulled out of the bucket until--
we realized that we have not had

a female stand-up comedian here tonight.

And we here at Kill Tony,

since Episode One have always been
equal opportunity type of people,

believe it or not.

[laughter]

And so I pulled until I found a woman.

Your first and only female
stand-up comedian of the show.

Make some noise
for Serena Teal, everybody.

[upbeat music playing]

Howdy.

My boyfriend left the house
the other day to get a bag of dog food

and came back really upset
because he had found a dead body.

And I was like, "Baby, it sounds like you
just found a 180 pounds of free dog food."

[laughter]

What are you doing? Go get that.

This is a reduce-reuse-recycle
house, okay?

[sighs] Shit.

I said boyfriend
and a lot of you are confused.

I also thought I was a lesbian.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

It turned out I was just really fat.

[laughter]

Being a lesbian is cool if you're fat

'cause you get to eat and eat
and never get stuffed.

[laughter]

[applause]

Plus, you get to lick the plate.

[laughter]

There's a classic disco track
called "Born To Be Alive"

which is a stupid title
'cause we all were.

But I heard about a guy
who was not born to be alive.

He was still born.

-[laughter]
-[meow plays]

A rock solid set from Serena Teal.

-Welcome, Serena.
-Thank you.

This is your first time
on the show, right?

It is. It's good to be here.

Awesome. How long you been doing stand-up?

Um… [stammers]

I say about a year and a half.

It's more than that.
But in a really small scene before

so it doesn't translate
to the same amount of time.

[Tony] The 2014 pandemic got ya?

Hell yeah. I love it.
What do you do for work?

Um, I'm a barista.

-[Tony] Ooh.
-Of course.

Wow. And you're a straight woman
or a lesbian.

-I couldn't quite gather from your set.
-I am a straight woman.

-Okay. The rare straight barista.
-[laughter]

You can tell
'cause I don't have a septum ring.

-It's a big giveaway.
-I love it.

Welcome. Welcome to the show.
Where are you… are you from here?

-I live here now.
-[Tony] Where are you from?

I started in Montana.
I was there for 10 years.

[Tony] Okay, wow.

-Thanks.
-Montana. What was that like?

It's really cool. I mean, I love it there.

-I was there on and off for 10 years.
-[Tony] Which town?

Bozeman. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a really cool place
to get to live.

I'm really into rock climbing.
Again, straight.

[laughter]

[Tony] Sounds of the wolves…

-It's a cool place to get to do that.
-Your parents are still there?

No, they-- I didn't grow up there.

I went to college there, so…

-Yeah.
-[Tony] Oh. Okay.

-Where'd you grow up?
-Chicago.

-[cheers, applause]
-Chicago? Nice. All right.

-Hell yeah.
-And now you--

Some fellow North Siders in the house.

-Now you live here?
-Yes. Yeah.

Okay, awesome.

-And how long have you lived here?
-Three months.

-[Tony] Three months. How do you like it?
-I love it.

[Tony] What do you do for fun around town?

I go to the gym a lot.

I do a lot of comedy.

[laughter]

It occupies a lot of time.

Again, still into rock climbing.

[chuckles]

Okay.

I wish I had something spicy
to give you, but I don't.

-That's fine. You have a boyfriend?
-No.

Yes!

Redban's very excited.

[laughter]

What type of guys do you like?

Um… I…

This whole jujitsu
and Burt Reynolds mustache thing

that's going on is really working for me.

I really like that.
I like a masculine man.

-[Redban softly] Fuck!
-[laughter]

-Redban's…
-Sorry.

[laughter]

-I loved your set.
-Thank you.

How long of a set do you think you have?

I feel like, confidently…

Like a good 10.

[Redban] I'd love to have you
on the Secret Show Thursday.

[Tony] Ooh, la, la.
You just got booked for a real spot.

[cheers, applause]

[Serena] Thank you. Holy shit. [laughs]

Wow.

And I loved your minute.

And it's so hard, as you can tell,

by the numbers, the straight odds

of how few women signed up.

I had to pull multiple names
just to even get to a female comedian.

So I want to do something kind of cool.

We are going…

I want to see another minute of yours.

A new minute that you didn't do here.

And what do you say,
we do it at Madison Square Garden

-on August 16?
-[cheers, applause]

-Okay.
-Okay, great.

So we'll have a female comedian
already baked into the show.

Madison Square Garden in New York City…

-Oh, my God.
-[Tony] …August 16.

We'll see a new minute from Serena Teal.

How cool is that?

Wow. Thank you so much.

[Tony] …three, four, five months
to prepare.

There goes Serena Teal.

Here's the big joke book.

Boom.

She catches it,
British men don't catch it.

Take note.

[applause]

Take note, people.

[Donald] It used to be impossible…

[band playing funky music]

Excuse me.

[laughter]

It used to be impossible

for a comedian to perform
at Madison Square Garden.

And here in Austin, you can literally
show up and shit in an alley.

-[laughter]
-And a gay guy brings you.

And a gay man says, "We're gonna go
to Madison Square Garden."

-Isn't that amazing?
-[laughter]

-Isn't that amazing?
-It's true.

All thanks to the booming economy
that you've provided.

What a great economy here.

[laughter]

[Tony] I love it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are…

right at the end of the show,

but I want to squeeze one more
golden ticket winner up here.

-[cheers, applause]
-This guy is one of the greatest

golden ticket winners
in the history of the show.

I want to get him up here.

Make some noise.
This is the long-awaited return.

A brand-new minute
from Martin Phillips, everybody.

-[cheers, applause]
-[upbeat music playing]

[music ends]

What's up? What's going on?

[cheers]

Anybody…

What the fuck was that?

[laughter]

[scoffs]

Drunk-ass motherfucker.

Anybody ever been crucified, you know?

People get crucified
and they get their own personality.

You know, it's like, "We get it, okay?"

[laughter]

The Volkswagen Beetle
was invented by the Nazis.

So that proved they had a fun side.

[laughter]

It's a silly car, you know?

And that's why you punch people
when you see it.

Like, "Don't like this car."

You know, it's…

Okay, uh…

I still substitute now and then.

The other day, I was in school
for a tornado drill.

We had to go into tornado drill position.

If you forget what
a tornado drill position is,

here's a jingle to help remind you.

♪ It's face down, asshole ♪

♪ That's the way we survive a tornado ♪

[laughter]

-Thank you.
-Martin Phillips with another new minute.

[applause]

One of the great Golden Ticket winners
in the show's history.

Martin, you've done it again.

I thought you were done
substitute teaching.

Yeah, I need stuff to do during the day.

And so every now and then,
I make an appearance

and just chill in the high school.

Can you mow lawns?

-Oh. Don't trust me with that.
-[Tony] Yeah.

[laughter]

Probably in a circle
or something like that.

[laughter]

We'd have to get a riding mower for you.

I want to fucking sit down.

[Tony] Sure. Absolutely.

What other kind of skills
do you have, Martin?

I've never really asked before.

I've been saving this good story I have…

-Okay.
-…for this big moment.

In college, I worked at a summer camp.

There's one guy we worked with,
he was a douche.

But he was really nice to me

because he thought
I was mentally challenged.

And so anyway, he would…

Which I don't get either.

I know, I'm weird, right?

[laughter]

Crazy.

He made that jump.

And speaking of a healthy challenge,
everyone talks about the R word.

But there's another word that's used

that gives the same vibe.

It's when somebody calls me buddy.

Buddy. Same thing, really.

This guy would do stuff for me,
and I would just go with it.

I'm like, "Yeah, whatever."

Do my laundry, sure."

-[laughter]
-But nobody liked him.

So I was like,
"Man, I wonder how far I can take this."

So one day, I was brainstorming
with my fellow co-workers.

I was like, "Do you think he'd"

wipe my ass?"

[laughter]

We came out with
an entire plan to get this done.

But I pussied out because,

one, it's pretty mean.

[laughter]

And two, I was like,

"This might be borderline
sexual harassment."

[laughter]

I backed out,
and he hasn't, till this day…

He has no idea how close he was

to wiping my anus.

He was so close, okay.

[Tony] Wow. Incredible.

[cheers, applause]

How old were you when this happened?

Like 22.

Twenty two.

A grown man.

How old was he?

Probably the same age.

And he just had never heard
of cerebral palsy before.

I think he just looks at people like me,

"That guy's retarded."

[laughter]

So…

That's common, right?

What?

It's common for people to do that, right?

People are pretty condescending,
so I guess.

It's funny, I'm not
even trying to act retarded.

That's just my personality.

[laughter]

I would never make fun
of the mentally, uh…

[laughter]

-handicapped.
-[laughter]

Other than that one reporter
that one time, that fucking guy.

Yeah, you remember?

[laughter]

He got his ass, and was that okay?

I feel like it was deserved.

I can do it. I can do that.

Yeah, I feel like it was totally fine,

and I appreciate you endorsing me,

-and the retarded community loves me.
-[laughter]

[laughter]

[Martin] Okay, buddy. Okay, buddy.

[laughter]

Martin Phillips has done it again.

[cheers, applause]

Another great set.

Thank you, Martin.

One of the the great comedians
in the history of the show.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I can say with no hesitation,

there's only one way
to end an episode like this.

[cheers, applause]

This next comedian,
and your final comedian of the night

has the record out of everyone

for all-time appearances on this show.

All-time most interviews on this show.

Hall of Famer in the Kill Tony universe.

He has every record,

his parents have been
panelists on this show.

We've seen it all.

This is his Netflix debut.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

So many of you are seeing him
for the first time.

A man with hundreds and hundreds of sets.

Some call him the Memphis Strangler.

The Vanilla Gorilla.

-[cheers, applause]
-This is the Big Red Machine,

William "Lights Out" Montgomery.

-[upbeat music playing]
-[cheers, applause]

[music ends]

[cheering]

You know one of the best ways
to avoid going to the dentist

is to grab your car keys
and throw those motherfuckers away!

I ain't never going to the dentist!

[cheers]

The optometrist.

Fuck that.

I could be hallucinating right now,
and I wouldn't even know it.

The last time I went to the optometrist,
he said I was third eye blind.

[laughter]

I just found out Len Bias died
because his coke was too pure.

Meanwhile, my bags of coke were rockier
than Redban's first marriage.

[laughter]

He actually had
a pretty good first marriage

before she died mysteriously.

[laughter]

And by the way, earlier, Redban
was asking me what channel Netflix was on.

[laughter]

[applause]

It's on the computer, dumb ass!

It's a streaming thing.

[laughter, applause]

He's had too much to fuck.

That is the guy removing
an unruly man from an orgy.

[laughter]

At least once a week,

someone steals the trash
out of my trash can.

Typically, it's on Thursdays
around 8:30 a.m.

[laughter]

Okay, I was insinuating
a trash can person.

-A…
-Trash man.

Trash man, not a trash can person.

Yeah. Sorry.

That's my time, Tony.

[cheers, applause]

Such an interesting side…

Tony, this was like my
fucking opportunity of my life,

and I feel like I really majorly
fucked it up right there, Tony.

-Why does this shit always happen to me?
-[laughter]

Well, you decided to go with
some not so topical references.

Uh… Third Eye Blind.

[laughter]

-Len Bias?
-Yeah, Len Bias.

[Tony] When did that happen?

I think it was early '90s.

-[Tom] Like '84.
-'84.

-[Tony] The mid-80s.
-[laughter]

So here you are on the almost about
40-year anniversary of the death of him.

-[William] Of Len Bias.
-Basketball player.

-[William] Yeah.
-Just throwing it out there.

Yeah, yeah, I was thinking
that would be a good way to get Redban

talking about his first marriage
that he had before he met Janice.

-[Tony] I don't think--
-Never been married before.

[Tony] That's never happened.

[William] That's not what you told me

a couple of weeks ago,
you fucking idiot.

-[laughter]
-Seriously, did you literally

plan on sabotaging
my deal up here tonight?

I literally have
an adidas fucking shirt on,

and then they're telling me
I have to do it inside out.

-adidas is my new sponsor, y'all.
-[cheers, applause]

I was gonna announce it
on fucking Netflix,

but it's like they made me
fucking turn it around.

And then the set doesn't go good.

It's just…

[laughter]

Have you thought about
Love on the Spectrum, maybe?

[laughter, exclaiming]

Whoa. Redban.

[mocking] Have you thought about
Love on the Spectrum, maybe?

-[laughter]
-God, you sound like a fucking idiot.

[plays sting]

It's like, what kind of little
monster person just said that?

[plays sting]

You're fucking little voice
you have, dumb ass.

-[plays sting]
-[mocking] …the spectrum.

[plays sting]

I feel I'm having a stroke
up here, Redban.

-[plays sting]
-[laughter]

For those of you watching
around the world right now,

wondering why everyone
in the room is laughing

and why we're all laughing so hard, it's…

Because Redban lied to me
about being fucking married before.

-[plays sting]
-[laughter]

That's bullshit, dude. Two weeks ago.

-[plays sting]
-[laughter]

We do this every single week.

And every week--

We were doing fucking poppers
in his bedroom. Ah!

-[plays sting]
-[laughter]

[applause]

Whoa.

This happens.

A lot of new viewers
are watching you for the first time,

wondering why everyone
is laughing so hard.

-[laughter]
-He has his own style.

It's a different…

It's unlike anything else.

Sometimes he just snaps and screams

-and says things fast.
-Tony…

-[cheers, applause]
-But trust me, it's very addicting.

You will get addicted to it.

-President Trump.
-[Donald] You're exactly right.

This is something that needs
to be explained to the viewers.

Unlike Casey Rocket, who everyone
at home understood perfectly.

[laughter]

This guy is different.

And Casey, to all the viewers,
immediately they understood.

[laughter]

And Casey is a dear friend,

watch The William Montgomery Show
on YouTube.

-[laughter]
-And he's your co-host.

We just talking about some bullshit!

-[plays sting]
-[laughter]

Third Eye Blind, Len Bias.

There was a trash man.

Uh, the guy picks up your trash Thursday--

Every Thursday, 8:30 a.m.

I'm thinking,
"Oh, my gosh, it'd be hilarious

to act like I don't know what it is,

but it's actually…

It's just a trash can.

It's a trash can guy just getting the…

Trash can guy.

Trash can guy getting the trash
in the morning.

-A garbage man.
-A garbage man.

Okay.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

How do you feel right now, Willie?

I don't know, a little overwhelmed.

I was thinking this was
a good opportunity for me,

and I've really dropped the ball
on all of those fucking jokes.

It's… [sighs]

-But you tend to come back every week.
-[laughter]

Are you thinking about, perhaps, this set…

Maybe…

I mean, this is what you love.

You have your own different style.

Are you thinking about perhaps…

Are you gonna thinking about--

Tony, I don't think I'm ever gonna stop!

-[playing sting]
-[laughter, cheers, applause]

William Montgomery.

We love you, William.

Make some noise
for William Montgomery, everybody.

[cheers, applause]

How fucking interesting.

-[exclaiming, cheering]
-Oh, my goodness.

The King of Texas has arrived.

-[cheers, applause]
-[upbeat music playing]

[music ends]

[Tony] The great Ron White,
ladies and gentlemen.

Children, children.

All right. Let me give you a little update
on what's been going on with me, guys.

I got dumped by my girlfriend.

She's 70 years old.

I don't know if you've ever
been dumped by a 70-year-old, but it's…

fine.

[audience laughs]

I'll tell you how it all went down.

I moved to Austin from Beverly Hills,

and when I moved here,

I bought the penthouse
of a building downtown,

and I hired this girl
to be my assistant,

and her job, every day at 10:30,
was to make me breakfast,

and I woke up to the smell of bacon,

and I got food without having to listen
to a ration of shit to get it.

And it was absolutely lovely.

It was lovely.

But I was kind of lonely,

and I met a girl in California
and she moved out.

And she didn't like Katie
or her breakfasts

or her cute little butt.

She didn't like the penthouse either

because of ghosts of pussy past
or whatever the fuck she didn't like.

And she fired Katie and hired a dude.

Then I bought a house in the suburbs.

She moved back to California.

And now I live in the suburbs
with a gay man named Robert.

[audience laughing]

Not exactly the way I mapped it out,

but it ain't that bad.

[audience laughing]

He's got a background in interior design,

and my house looks like
a fucking Four Seasons every goddamn day.

-[audience cheers]
-Every pillow in place,

every bed made perfect,
house stocked perfectly.

His boyfriend works at
the fragrance counter at Neiman Marcus,

and the three of us smell terrific.

[audience laughing]

I'm not gay, but I've been saying
some pretty gay shit lately.

Robert and I are thinking about
putting curtains in the nook.

Thanks, guys.

[Tony] Ron White.

For those of you that don't know,

Ron is, without a doubt,

one of the big reasons

that all of this has happened
here in Austin, right, Joe?

I mean, he was--

Yeah, he convinced me to buy this club.

[audience cheers]

I actually recommended another place,

but Joe figured this one out on his own.

You know what? I didn't--
I had a hard time with the pandemic,

and I really struggled
with my career at that point,

and I moved here,

and it seems like
we got a collective going,

and this is what's happening
on a Monday night in Austin, Texas.

This is just a Monday night.
This is what we do every week here.

So… And I like to salute
the Kill Tony show

for its inclusiveness
because it doesn't matter

at all who you are,
you can get on this show.

It doesn't matter if you can talk.
It doesn't matter what color you are.

It doesn't matter what nationality.

If you're in a wheelchair,

we will pick it up
and put it on the stage for you.

It is an open stage for people
who want to try to be funny,

and if you get up here
from a bucket pull and you suck,

you can remind us all
just how fucking hard this is.

But anyway. And I want to thank
the crowd for supporting this.

-It's all been lovely…
-Hell yeah.

…and I want to say
thank you to everybody

and thanks for
supporting me for 38 years.

[Tony] Thank you. The great Ron White,
ladies and gentlemen.

He's right. Austin is a party, always.

Let's see who we have
up on the VIP balcony tonight.

You never know who's gonna be here.

Oh. Look at this who's who.

Wow. Gary Clark Jr., the local legend,
ladies and gentlemen.

One of the greatest
guitar players in the world.

How about a hand for the great--
Look, it's Adam Ray.

-[audience cheers]
-That's amazing. And…

Kyle Dunnigan, everyone. How exciting.

Two of the best guests
in the history of the show.

Would've loved to have had you guys on.
It's amazing.

It's amazing because
RFK Jr. and Elon Musk

wanted me to plug Kyle Dunnigan tonight,

kyledunnigan.com
for tour dates and everything.

Kyle Dunnigan,

and strangely enough, Dr. Phil
and Joe Biden told me to promote Adam Ray.

How exciting.

He's on tour, adamraycomedy.com, right?

Dr. Phil's on tour, Adam Ray's on tour.

One more time for
the Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross.

He's on tour,

Take A Banana For The Ride,

going all over the country.

So awesome.

We had fucking--
Did you guys have fun tonight?

[audience] Yeah!

[Tony] How about one more time

for the President of the United States
of America, Donald Trump?

Tires, June 5th on Netflix.

One more time
for the great and powerful Tom Segura.

Bad Thoughts, May 13th on Netflix.

The one and the only Joe Rogan.

Every single week,
the biggest podcast in the world.

We're having fun.

I think Roseanne Barr's
up there somewhere.

This place is crazy.

We love it. The Roseanne Barr Podcast,
Madison Square Garden, August 16th.

Redban.

Thanks so much, guys.

We love you guys.

Thank you to Netflix,
and thank you, the people.

God bless ya.

Good night, everybody.
Thank you so much.

[sinister music playing]

[sinister music continues]