Original subtitles

Let's go.

Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares”

Are you in.

And “Going Dutch”

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've seen on the base.

Let's go, let's go.

All available now.

All right. What the hell?

Captain, what are these Dutch civilian workers doin'?

It's like they're doin' nothin'.

Exactly, it is the Dutch art form

of niksen, which is the art of doing nothing.

The Dutch really have it all figured out.

- Incoming! - Oh.

Sorry. I love this niksen thing.

It's just the mental health break I needed.

- Seriously. - Okay.

You suck at hacky sack, colonel.

But that's good for my mental health. Bye-bye.

Dutch laziness thing is a virus,

and it's now spreading to my soldiers.

It's gotta be stopped. Major, get on that.

Change an entire country's work ethic.

- I'm on it. - No, we're gonna have to, okay?

I need to get this base to the point where it's 100% American.

Not every place should be America.

That attitude is why you won't be speaking at my funeral.

What the hell is this?

Oh, hi, colonel, your aura right now

is red and orange and pulsing. Boy!

Is my Dutch translator high at work?

No, but I was high because I was at a rave all night.

But I'm coming down very slowly.

Too slowly. So I'm just trying to hoop it all out.

Oh, I can't believe I get to say this.

- What? - You're fired! Oh, my God.

This must be what it feels like to do cocaine,

'cause my whole body is tingling right now.

If you want to find out, I know just the right person.

Sir, you can't fire him.

All Dutch citizens employed for over three years

are basically tenured.

Let me tell you something, pal.

I don't know how, I don't know when, but I do know why.

You are everything that's wrong with this culture,

so when I can your ass, all of these

Dutch workers are gonna learn a lesson.

- Okay. - What-what, what're you doing?

Why are you still hooping?

Because I already did the crime,

so I might as well enjoy my time.

I'll see you later, colonel.

Look at them enjoying the sun like total psychos.

- Colonel? - Yeah?

Pulled an all-nighter

and an all-afternooner to become

an expert in Dutch labor law,

and I regret to inform you that it's almost impossible

to fire someone in the Netherlands.

Even a substandard employee gets three strikes.

And then I can fire his Dutch ass?

Uh, you actually have to hire a mediator.

I don't know, Jan's Hula Drug Binge,

that was only a second strike.

Wait till you hear how many sick days they get.

- Unlimited. - I thought that was a typo.

That's crazy. How many sick days did you take last year?

Zero. Yeah, I love America and DayQuil.

- Mm-hmm. - Ew.

How many days off do these Dutch deadbeats need?

I mean, don't they know nothing is more important than work?

I mean, nothing.

Dad, when you say

"Nothing is more important than work,"

I am the nothing in that sentence.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of people into kitchen artwork,

and beach houses

would say that family is more important than work.

Unlike you, the Dutch understand a work-life balance.

Okay. Let's not go crazy here.

Let's remember work is the engine

that keeps our nation running and I'm not gonna let

these Dutch lay-abouts rub their stinky cheese all over that.

I'm gonna wait for Jan to screw up one more time,

and then I'm gonna nail his hairless hide to the wall.

Not this wall, 'cause that's my General Patton wall.

Come on.

No, no, wait. Jan, look out.

Get out of the way, dummy.

Are you severely hurt?

- Um, I don't know. - Don't worry about it.

We'll have a doctor look at you.

Well, look what we have here.

You just ran over an American soldier.

Strike three.

Got you, bitch.

Okay, name? Mm-hmm.

- Name, please. - Hello, I am Hendrik.

I'm, uh, to lead the mediation for Jan.

It's funny, but I must be in the wrong room.

No, no, no. Hendrik. You are the judge.

You are right on time. We've been waiting for you.

No, I'm-I'm not the judge.

I'm Hendrik, the mediator?

Why do you have an audience?

Oh, uh, this is the colonel, and he made attendance

compulsory for all Dutch employees.

Yeah, you can't really have a courtroom trial

without some murmuring, you know what I mean?

Yeah, but it's not a trial, it's a mediation.

I know, but I thought we'd jazz it up with

a little American razzmatazz, you know.

You ever see A Few Good Men?

Of course. It's uh, peak Sorkin.

Yeah, it's a great movie with a timeless message.

- Yeah. Speaking truth to power. - No, no, no.

That's not the message, the message is keeping

the code reds at a distance and probably making sure

you have a separate guy to handle the code reds.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. You're still in charge.

And you get to use one of these.

- Oh, an American law hammer. - It's your American law hammer.

- Oh, I like that. - Yeah.

- And thank you, sir. - You're welcome.

- Oh... - That guy looks like a Viking.

Why did you give him that hammer?

Now he's Thor.

You don't think this is a bit much?

His methods may be unconventional,

but he really inspires people to work hard.

I mean, look at me, I spent all night

prepping for this case, and you can't even tell.

- Your eye's twitching. - Your eye's twitching.

Well, Jan is late for his own trial.

How very Dutch of him.

Where is he, that Scandinavian twink?

Hello, everyone!

Wait, wow.

Is everyone here for me? Well, isn't life just a spectacle.

Ooh, I'm a big fan of runways, you know.

You're wearing that shirt, by the way.

Let the trial of Jan begin.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we all know why we're here.

It is because I'm quite the character, yes?

No, no, you are lazy and incompetent.

It's these insane Dutch labor laws that require

three strikes before termination.

Strike one, six months ago when Jan turned a broom closet

into his own personal steam room. We had to burn the towel.

Strike two, we had to burn the hula hoop.

Jan's third strike came yesterday when he recklessly

and with malice, drove his bike into Private B.A.

That's not what happened at all, Mr. Colonel.

- Really? Enlighten me. - Yes.

The only reason I hit

private dummy is because he is a dummy.

I was just riding around

you know, enjoying the attention of the sun,

when he walked in front of me.

Flailing around without looking.

I tried to stop in time, but I couldn't.

But I cannot blame him because he has been failed

by the third world American education system.

He does not know that in this country,

bicycles always have the right of way.

All he understands is American cars

and the "beep beep, honk honk."

I'm done talking.

Your Honor, Jan has just admitted

to hitting the victim.

And all Jan has to say

for himself is "beep beep, honk honk."

I repeat, ladies and gentlemen, "beep beep, honk... honk."

Wow, that's good.

Captain Maggie, do you think you could help me?

Jan, I'm not a lawyer.

Yes, but you are the only one who can speak up to him.

Well, he's insane. I wish I could help.

First, they came after the hula hoopers,

and you did not speak up because you were not a hooper.

Then they came for the trade unionists...

No, no, no. I'm stopping you there. Stop.

- That was inappropriate? Yeah. - That's awful. Yeah, don't.

Okay. I'm just not very good at defending myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time for you to say

goodbye to your precious families.

Because I'm about to introduce a concept

that we call in America, "overtime."

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Scared murmur's the best kind.

If you're not going to do this for me, do it for all

the Dutch mamas and papas who work here at Stroopsdorf.

And the tiny little Dutch children

in their tiny little wooden shoes.

- I object! - To the murmurs?

I found the, uh, hushed whispers appropriate.

- And who are you? - I'm Captain Margaret Quinn.

Colonel Quinn's daughter, and Jan's new defense lawyer.

Americans are so good at razzmajazz.

Jan, what's your last name?

It's one of life's mysteries, isn't it?

Yes, yep.

Captain, I would like to formally join your law firm.

This trial seems fun as hell,

and you know I love committing to the bit.

- Do you know anything about law? - Yes.

I grew up watching reruns of Law and Order every night.

So, always two lawyers, one who talks,

one who slides them papers.

- Mm-hmm. - That's true.

I wanna slide you papers.

Fine.

This is an open and shut case.

There are only two witnesses to the crime.

The perpetrator and the victim.

So, you have to ask yourself, who can you trust?

I recall to the stand, Jan.

- What? - Let's go.

Jan, my associate has, uh, handed me a file

with some troubling information of you.

Would you like to tell me what these are?

Oh, yes, this is just my request for paternity leave,

and... that's my other request for paternity leave.

So, you took two fully paid

paternity leaves in a four month period.

Your Honor, I'm no expert at the female reproductive system.

But this is obvious fraud.

And if this man would lie about the sanctity of fatherhood,

he could lie about anything.

Captain?

Jan, are you familiar with the term polycule?

Yes, I am.

A polycule is when three or more people

are connected in an intimate relationship.

My polycule is me,

my wife Maaike, and her girlfriend Renate.

Who is this guy? Got his own Manson family?

Yeah, he's the one with the weird family.

- What? - It is possible for you

to lawfully take two

paternity leaves within six months.

Oh, God, yes. First, I fathered a child with my wife Maaike.

And I took full paternity leave.

Then three months later,

my wife's girlfriend Renate

gave birth to her boyfriend's child,

and again, I took full paternity leave.

All above board.

In fact, my entire family

is right here to support me today.

Uh, objection, Your Honor.

He's having sex with multiple women,

and he's some kind of a bigamist.

No, so I'm going to stop you right there, colonel.

Um, I'm not sleeping with either of them. Oh, no, colonel.

My sexual proclivities are far more challenging

and complicated than this simple arrangement.

Take that.

Yes, Renate's always so hungry.

Uh, Your Honor, I-I need a ten-minute...

- Fifteen. - Fifteen-minute recess.

I need to walk this off.

Private B.A., thank you for being here today.

Please, tell us what happened on that fateful day.

I was working out at the gym. Leg day.

And after that, I saw Jan riding at me.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

Who are you gonna trust?

A dirty, filthy liar?

Or an American hero devoted to fitness?

Your witness, captain.

- B.A... - You gotta let me question him.

I know B.A. better than anyone,

I can crack open his melon-head

and suck out the truth juice.

Okay.

Be cool.

I wouldn't do it any other way.

B.A. is lying!

He was never at the gym, and I can prove it.

I knew there was somethin' fishy about his story.

I went to the gym, and I talked to the guy

that owns the gym or runs the gym.

I don't know what it is.

He told me, "The leg machine had been broken for days."

If he wasn't able to squat...

well, justice must be sought.

Bro, we promised we wouldn't keep secrets from each other.

We pinkie promised, Your Honor.

I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore.

I guess a man's pinkie isn't his bond anymore.

I am lying, okay?

I'm covering something up, something really, really,

really big.

Blew the damn face wide open!

- I object, Your Honor. - To what?

To the fact that this is really bad for our case.

If you guys want the truth, you have to ask Conway.

She was there.

A third witness?

Okay, fine, y'all got me. I was there.

- Ha. - Okay, we get the idea.

All right, Conway, now that you're done lying to everybody,

you want to tell us what really happened?

We were filming a TikTok.

I've turned B.A. into a minor celebrity in Malaysia.

He's known as "Leather Pants Man."

People just love to watch him dance in leather pants.

And they really love it when it's hot outside.

I don't get it, but I'm makin' a ton of money

getting him to advertise for a local soda

that has nicotine in it.

Why would you hide that from me?

I would love a soda with nicotine in it.

Because we knew you would wanna join in.

And you're a terrible dancer.

That evidence is false and defamatory.

Here is my rebuttal. Jan, give me a beat!

- Mm-mm. - Yes.

- Jan, please. - Mm-mm...

♪ Papadakis, drop it ♪

Oh, your honor, I would like to enter into evidence

"Leather Pants Man's" latest video,

which I like to call, The Smoking Gun.

Ooh.

- Get out of the way! - Ah!

- Oh! - Aye, aye, aye.

Hmm, I guess

now would be the time for a lesser man to gloat.

- Oh, is this not gloating? - Oh, no, no, no.

This is not gloating.

This... is gloating.

Bye-bye, Jan.

Once we win this case, we're gonna take Stroopsdorf

right back to the days when work came number one.

- Remember that? - How could I not?

Working that hard caused my separation.

You know, my wife actually named you in our divorce.

I know. I thought that was really nice of her.

We will reconvene tomorrow morning.

After that, I will make my decision.

But it is not looking super good for Jan.

Maggie, tell Jan I'm sorry, but I had to post it.

- It was internet gold. - It's fine.

Oh, little ones, don't worry.

Papa will just be home more, okay?

There just won't be as much food on the table.

However... Renate will always have enough to eat, yes?

Everything will be fine.

Thanks for meeting me.

The colonel can't know that I'm helping you.

I just feel so guilty about blowin' up your case.

- Mm. - You know, last time I took

a day off, it was the day my wife filed for divorce.

Your father said, and I quote,

"You have 24 hours to suck it up."

Yeah, he said that to me when I got my period.

But look, there's no helping us, okay?

It's over. Jan clearly ran into B.A...

- Video can't show everything. - What are you talking about?

Okay, the colonel's American agenda started

the day he set foot on Stroopsdorf.

Follow the money.

- "Follow the money?" - Follow the money.

- Do you think I'm a gumshoe? - Just tru... "Gumshoe?" What is...

Why don't you actually just take the stand

and say all the things that you know in your brain?

Well, then I'd have to tell the truth, and then the colonel

couldn't be mad at me for telling the truth.

He couldn't punish me for telling the truth.

So then I think we both win it.

Wait, you heard that?

Look, my dad's crazy, but he's not like crazy.

He's not like stalking you in the night.

Yeah, I'm just being paranoid.

Your Honor, I would like to call Major Abraham Shah to the stand.

I'd like to call Major Shah to the stand.

Your Honor, Major Shah is taking a vacation day.

I ordered him to attend a local spa,

so he will not be appearing today.

Okay.

Do you wanna see where the creek leads?

I do want to see where the creek leads.

It led to bunnies. It led to bunnies.

Objection. The colonel is clearly trying to prevent

a key witness from testifying.

Overruled. The major's entitled to a vacation

if that's all you've got, captain.

I'm ready to give my, uh, ruling.

I have one more witness.

Colonel Patrick Quinn.

My God.

Even I'm murmuring now.

Maggie, are you sure you wanna do this?

Calling your dad to the stand could have like...

- real consequences. - I know.

Shah was going to testify to my dad's involvement,

and now that he can't...

All right, Shah said "follow the money."

Look, if you really wanna follow the money, you should get

behind me. The nicotine soda industry has deep pockets.

Go to the office and get all of the financial documents.

Okay. I will do that.

- Ah... - I will do that.

Oh, my God, these base bike

shares are gettin' real janky.

God.

Your Honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile.

But he hasn't said anything yet.

She's right. I'm gonna be hostile.

Can you state your name, rank,

and favorite reality show for the court?

Might I remind you, you are under oath.

Colonel Patrick Quinn, "90 Day Fiancé."

I love when the uggo wants the green card,

'cause then they've gotta get creative.

Sir, am I correct in saying you've never taken a day off?

I believe in protecting America's freedom 24/7, 365.

Major Shah isn't a fan of vacation days either.

Strange he would take a day off during such an important trial.

I can only imagine he'll hate it as much as I would,

because he's a red-blooded American male.

Best day of my life!

♪ Uh, this is the best day of my life ♪

Sir, is it fair to say that you hate Jan?

No. I wouldn't lend him a hand

if he was drowning in a bathtub of lube

at one of his own deviant orgies.

I don't hate Jan.

But you think it's ridiculous that he puts

his family before work, do you not?

I think he's getting cucked

six ways to Sunday, yes.

Ooh, Well, that's just one piece of my sexual puzzle.

But it's a corner piece.

Sir, would you prefer he worked non-stop

and became a terrible father.

Like, say, you?

Why are they murmuring? That's not murmurable.

You don't have to answer that question.

No, no. I'll answer, Your Honor.

If I was such a terrible father,

why did you turn out the way you did?

High school valedictorian,

West Point graduate, hell of a fake lawyer.

I think having a father with such a strong work ethic

allowed you to achieve the things you have.

- You want credit for my success. - I think I'm entitled.

- You must be proud of me. - I did the job.

- Are you proud of me? - I did the job.

- Answer the question! - I'm very proud of you!

That felt good.

Almost as good as I imagined it.

Your Honor, she tricked me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What does this have to do with the bike accident?

Nothing. I was just stalling until I got these.

This is the base's budget the year before you took command.

The amount allotted toward

base bike share repair is 20,000 euro.

This is the budget after you took command.

Do you care to share with the court how much

money you allotted toward...

- bicycle repair? - Zero euros.

Earlier, my client testified.

I tried to stop in time, but I couldn't.

Therefore, colonel, Jan's brakes were faulty due to your

very American budget cuts on this Dutch base.

We all saw the video with our own eyes.

You can throw all the numbers you want at it,

but we still know what we saw.

You're right. That's why I'm gonna need you to ride this.

Your Honor, I would like to enter

Jan's bicycle into evidence.

I will definitely allow this.

We just need you to reach

Jan's alleged speed at the time of the crash.

Pump the brakes and stop.

Not a problem.

Seems to work pretty good.

Ah! Ah, stupid bikes.

- Oh, yes! - Ooh...

Jan's brakes failed,

and that's why the accident happened.

The colonel's gross negligence towards

bike repair was the cause.

- I rest my case. - Yeah. I have reached a verdict.

Uh, Jan is not guilty of this third strike,

and his employment continues indefinitely.

- We did it! - Yes.

- Oh, wow. - We did it.

- Nice job. - Oh...

So you're proud of me?

Listen, I just gave you one

that's gonna tide you over till my deathbed.

Ha ha ha!

- This is Charlie. Yeah. - Wow.

He likes yoga, nature walks.

Gotta say, a work-life balance looks good on you.

You know, actually, I thought about taking another

day off in six months.

And look at this guy over here.

Just trying niksen.

It's nice doing nothin', huh, dad?

I'm doing something.

I'm making a list of my enemies.

Okay, well, you've been silent for like ten minutes.

It's a long list.

It's going so well.