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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,480
I always insist on wearing my hat
from my cracker, don't I?
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,960
I hate wearing my hat
from my Christmas cracker.
3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960
It really annoys me.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,000
Yeah, but I make you wear it.
You don't.
5
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,960
But I want you to wear it this year.
6
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,960
Please.
I'm not wearing it.
7
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,640
It just annoys me.
It gets me hot, flustered
8
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,960
and, as I'm eating,
I can hear a rustle in my ears.
9
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,960
A rustle?
Yeah, I can. I can hear it.
10
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,960
We don't have a Russell
in our family.
11
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,000
The paper on the hat.
Oh, dear.
12
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,960
Well, what if I made like
a woollen Christmas hat
13
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,640
that doesn't rustle,
would you wear that?
14
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,800
No, thank you.
Would you not?
15
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:38,960
Mmm.
16
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,640
There are...there are things
about Christmas
17
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,960
about midnight mass on Christmas Eve
18
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,960
that I find unbearably emotional.
19
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,960
There are...
20
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:16,960
There are Christmas carols or...
21
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:20,320
things that one hears traditionally
at Christmas.
22
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960
And...
23
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:29,800
I...I tend not to...
24
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,960
I tend not to hear these any more.
25
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,480
I try to avoid hearing them
because I find them...
26
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,480
..painful.
27
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,320
I'm too easily touched.
28
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,480
That...12...bit.
29
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,960
12 birds a-calling.
30
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960
How does the first line go?
31
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,960
# The first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me
32
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,000
# La da da dee
33
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,960
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
34
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,960
No, I can't remember that song.
35
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,960
# On the 12th day of Christmas... #
36
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,960
Oh, no. On the first...
That's a good start, isn't it?
37
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,960
Straight into the end.
No, it does start with the 12.
38
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960
Count down, innit?
39
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
# The first day of Christmas
40
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,960
# My true love sent to me
41
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:20,960
# A partridge in a pear tree #
42
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
A partridge in a pear tree.
43
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,960
What do you think that's symbolic
of?
44
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960
I don't know, do I?
45
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
Well, what...what...erm...
46
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
A partridge...
47
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,960
It's in a pear tree.
48
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:41,160
I've no idea. I mean, look at
the state of it, five gold rings.
49
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,960
No. Just a minute.
Ladies dancing, lords leaping.
50
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:49,960
No... A partridge in a pear tree?
I've no idea.
51
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,800
You're leaping ahead.
I don't know.
52
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:58,640
A partridge in a pear tree makes me
think about good target practice
53
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,960
as you're trying to knock
the partridge out of the pear tree.
54
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,960
Why would somebody want
a partridge in a pear tree?
55
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,960
That's where partridges live,
isn't it?
56
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,160
In a pear tree?
How many partridges...
57
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,960
Do you know where partridges live?
No.
58
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,960
Shut up, then.
Take the man's word for it.
59
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Whatever.
60
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:20,320
# On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me a part... #
61
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,960
Oh, God!
62
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,960
Christmas?
63
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960
It's good, cos it's a long holiday.
64
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,960
I don't have to worry about things.
65
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,640
For a few days. Or rather I can
worry about something different.
66
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,800
Like meeting my family...
67
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,000
Er... Well, in my family...erm...
68
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,960
..the habits are probably much the
same as most families at Christmas.
69
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:52,640
They involve...erm...
the large belly habit,
70
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:59,960
followed by the...large tumbler of
alcoholic beverage habit,
71
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,960
followed by
the...huge argument habit,
72
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,960
followed by the early bed habit.
73
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,960
And the indigestion habit.
74
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,960
And then the...
75
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,960
"Oh, God, we've got to be here
for another four days" habit.
76
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,960
And "Why did you buy me
all this crap?" habit.
77
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960
# On the second day of Christmas
78
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
# My true love gave to me
79
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960
# Two turtle doves
80
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,640
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
# Tree-ee #
81
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,160
Doves... I don't know
what that has to do with it.
82
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:36,800
There's supposed to be two doves
and you take one and that.
83
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,320
It's supposed to bring you good luck
when the two doves come together.
84
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,960
You've seen stories on the telly
about it.
85
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,320
Yeah, it's supposed to be true.
A dove is supposed to be good luck.
86
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,320
That's what they reckon.
Yeah...
87
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,480
# On the second day of Christmas
88
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,640
# My true love gave to me... #
89
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,960
A... Sorry. I had to cut it.
90
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,960
Two turtle doves.
91
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,960
Some type of odd genetic experiment.
Gone wrong.
92
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,960
I don't know. A dove and a turtle
93
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,320
mixed together in some laboratory.
94
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,000
I don't know...
95
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,960
Two doves makes me think of target
practice as well!
96
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,960
I hadn't realised that
I was so psychopathic, really.
97
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,960
Two doves conjures an image
of peace. Of Christmas.
98
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,960
Two white doves sitting in a tree,
that's lovely, isn't it?
99
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960
# On the third day of Christmas
100
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,960
# My true love sent to me
101
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960
# Three...
102
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,960
# French hens,
# Two turtle doves
103
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,960
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
104
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,960
Three French hens.
105
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,960
Well, they're just hens
that are French, aren't they, really?
106
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,960
But I don't see the relevance.
107
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,960
That wouldn't be so good,
three elephants, would it?
108
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,960
I said relevance not elephants.
109
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,960
Oh, right.
110
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,960
What do you think French hens are?
111
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,960
Do you have any idea at all?
112
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,960
Whatever.
113
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,960
Three French hens.
114
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Are they in the tree?
115
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,960
# ..patrie,
le jour de gloire est arrive
116
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,960
# Contre nous de la tyrannie
117
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,960
# L'etandard sanglant est leve #
118
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,960
Yes.
119
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960
Well, they've flown from France,
a long way.
120
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,960
They're not the three wise men.
121
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,960
No.
122
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,800
Or they might be.
I don't know.
123
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,960
Sorry?
You know, it's sort of...
124
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,960
It's difficult to know, isn't it?
Oh.
125
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,960
How did the three wise men know
126
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,960
that the North Star was going to
lead them to summat special?
127
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,960
Well, the North Star it's there,
innit?
128
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960
It's there.
It's there.
129
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,960
But go find it.
130
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,960
Go follow it. Find it.
Where's it going to take you?
131
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:05,480
The three kings brought gifts
to the baby Jesus.
132
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,160
Yeah, frankincense, gold and myrrh.
Yeah.
133
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,960
Not PlayStation, iPod and...
134
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,960
I don't know,
I can't think of a third one.
135
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,960
What are the three kings?
136
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,960
Um...
137
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,960
Um... I don't know.
138
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,960
# On the fourth day of Christmas
139
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,960
# My true love gave to me
140
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:33,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens, two turtle doves
141
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,160
# And a partridge in a pear tree
142
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,960
# With lots of roast potatoes #
143
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:43,960
Now, if you opened the door
and there was four birds calling...
144
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,960
..you'd say, "Who sent you?"
145
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,640
Yeah, I mean...
146
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,960
I ain't got a clue really
what that's all about, that song.
147
00:07:55,960 --> 00:08:00,960
And they'd say, "Well,
your true love sent us round.
148
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960
We're just calling
149
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,000
to see if you're OK.
150
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,960
If everything's all right
at Christmas.
151
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,960
Do you need anything?"
152
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,960
We never took the time out
to look at it.
153
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,960
That's the trouble with life,
isn't it?
154
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,960
There's so much to do
and there's so much to know.
155
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,960
"Do you want anything?"
156
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,960
So...
157
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,960
That's what that's about.
158
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,960
Four birds calling.
159
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,960
And the thing is, I mean even
these people that know everything,
160
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:33,800
there's so much more they don't...
When you get higher up in the song
161
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,960
it's like so many drummers drumming.
162
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960
Things like that.
What's that all about?
163
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,480
I mean, it could be anything,
couldn't it?
164
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:45,960
# On the fifth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me
165
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,960
# Five golden rings
166
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:54,640
# Four calling birds,
three French hens, two turtle doves
167
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:59,320
# And a partridge in a...pear tree #
168
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,960
Um... It's also, er...
169
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,960
I think Christmas is for children.
170
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
My fishing?
Children.
171
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,960
Oh...
172
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,960
We go to asleep.
Father Christmas brings us presents.
173
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
And he gets hungry
174
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,960
and we leave a snack for him.
175
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,960
We do.
176
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960
And some biscuits. And some milk.
177
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,960
That's all.
178
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,960
So...
179
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,480
I'm tired.
180
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,960
You didn't sleep
very much last night? No.
181
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:42,960
I love everything about Christmas.
I love the Christmas decorations.
182
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,960
It's just so sparkly and twinkly
and lovely.
183
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,960
It's really relaxing.
It's lovely, actually.
184
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,960
Reindeer with their legs going.
I love them.
185
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Kids love it, man. It's lovely.
186
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,960
Why do we have a Christmas tree?
187
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,960
Are we talking about
Christmas trees? Yes.
188
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Norway were the first to start it.
189
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,960
That's where the Christmas trees
come from originally.
190
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960
Have you just made that up?
No. Yes.
191
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,960
I haven't.
Yes, he has, the little devil.
192
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,160
It'll have some religious meaning.
Of course it will.
193
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,800
It was St Nicholas...
We should be ashamed we don't know.
194
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:16,960
That's Santa. Santa Claus.
Who's Santa? No, that's Nicholas.
195
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,320
(SIGHS)
196
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,960
So you want me to sing? Right.
197
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960
OK. Are you recording?
198
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,960
# Five gold rings
199
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960
# Four calling birds
200
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,960
# Three French hens
# Two turtle doves
201
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,800
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
202
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
Um...the 12 days of Christmas.
203
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Oh, yes?
204
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
Do you know that?
Yes.
205
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,960
You want me to sing it all?
It'll take me for ever.
206
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:52,960
(SNIFFS)
207
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,960
I gave a little sniffle...
(LAUGHS)
208
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,320
You've come to interview me
209
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,480
and you're allergic to dogs!
210
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,960
No wonder you're feeling
a bit sniffly.
211
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,960
Oh, dear, so funny.
212
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,960
Ah... The 12 Days of Christmas.
213
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,160
I know it.
But I don't know the words.
214
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,960
No.
215
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,960
# On the fifth day of Christmas
(BEATBOXES)
216
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,160
# My true love gave to me
217
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,480
# Five golden rings
218
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens
219
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,960
# Two turtle doves...
No, no, no, no.
220
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,640
French hens, isn't it?
# Two French hens...
221
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,000
Three French hens.
# Three French hens
222
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,160
# Two turtle doves
223
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,960
BOTH:
# And a partridge in a pear tree
224
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,960
# On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me
225
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960
# Six geese a-laying... #
226
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,960
What's all that about?
227
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,960
Well, what they do
because they're not mammals,
228
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,960
they lay eggs.
229
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,640
# Five gold rings
230
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens...
231
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,960
I don't remember any more.
Six.
232
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,960
Six maids a-singing...?
233
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,960
I might've made it up, no...
234
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,960
Six...? I know there are
lords a-leaping somewhere.
235
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
# Seven lords a-leaping
236
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960
# Six geese a-laying... #
237
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,480
We're just laying.
238
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,960
We're geese and we're laying.
Yeah, man, just hanging in.
239
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,800
We are geese and we are just laying!
240
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,960
We're just laying.
241
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,960
You dig?
Yeah!
242
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,960
# On the fifth day of Christmas...
243
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,480
# Four calling birds
244
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,640
# Two French hens
245
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,960
# Three... #
Oh, God, I've missed it again.
246
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Thought I was getting a bit better
as we were going down.
247
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:02,960
We always sing out of tune if you're
a foreigner listening to our song.
248
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,000
Sounds out of tune,
but it's not really.
249
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,320
They're quarter pitch.
Are you sure?
250
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,480
Yeah.
251
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,960
(SHAKY VOICE)
# On the third days of Christmas
252
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960
# La la la la la
253
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,960
# Geese are laughing
254
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,000
# One brace of rabbits
255
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens, two turtle doves
256
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,960
# And a partridge in a pear tree
257
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,800
# On the seventh day of Christmas
258
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,800
# My true love sent to me
259
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,960
# Seven swans a-swimming...
260
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,960
# Milking... #
261
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,960
Er...seven swans a-swimming.
262
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
As swans do.
263
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,960
Yeah, as they do, unless it's ice.
264
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,960
Um...that must refer back to
the sort of gamey type of thing,
265
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,960
bearing in mind it's only royalty
266
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,480
that are officially allowed
to eat swans.
267
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,320
Poor old swans.
268
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,640
I don't know if I've ever listened
269
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,960
to the Queen give
the Christmas message.
270
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,960
But I presume
she speaks in a silly voice
271
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,160
and says a load of old guff.
272
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,960
This Christmas was awful.
273
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,960
But next one will be better.
274
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,000
I don't like doing German accents!
275
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,960
I'm so bad at doing
an impression of Her Holiness.
276
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Is it legal because I might get
deported doing this, you know?
277
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,960
Um... (AS THE QUEEN)
"Enjoy your friends and food
278
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,960
and your boring
Christmas television.
279
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:42,960
And think of us sharing little tales
of Christmas cheer.
280
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,480
I hope you all have a lovely year.
281
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,960
And...erm...
282
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,960
The end."
283
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,960
# On the eighth day of Christmas
284
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,960
# My true love sent to me
285
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,960
# Eight maids a-milking #
286
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,960
ALL LAUGH
287
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Eight maids a-milking in the meadow.
Buxom women
288
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,960
in white tops and hay.
289
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,960
Hay, lots of hay and cows.
290
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,800
And more cows and maids a-milking.
Udders.
291
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:12,960
Udders.
Udders.
292
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,960
Udders. Ah, get my gun.
293
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,960
Nurse, where's my tablet?
294
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,640
The eight maids,
or six maids milking,
295
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:20,960
I think that's milking cows.
296
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,960
It's got to be, innit?
What else do you milk?
297
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,160
Goats, I suppose.
Baby. Milking their babies.
298
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,960
You wouldn't be milking the baby,
would you?
299
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,960
No, but milking themselves.
You get milk in Mummy.
300
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960
It's a long song.
301
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,000
# Seven swans a-swimming...
302
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,160
# Woo! Near a lake.
303
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,960
# Five golden rings
304
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,960
# Four calling birds
# Three French hens
305
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,960
# Two turtle doves
306
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,960
# And... #
Nine swans a-leaping?
307
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,000
Right?
308
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,640
# On the ninth day of Christmas
309
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,960
# My true love gave to me
310
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,960
# Nine ladies dancing
311
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,960
# Two...geese a-laying
312
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
# Five golden rings
313
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,960
# And a partridge in a pear tree
314
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,960
# On the tenth day of Christmas
315
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,800
# My true love sent to me
316
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,960
# Ten lords a-leaping
317
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,960
# Nine ladies dancing,
eight maids a-milking
318
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,960
# Seven swans a-swimming
six geese a-laying
319
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,960
# Five gold rings
320
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens
321
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,960
# Two turtle doves
322
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:40,960
# And a partridge in a pear tree
323
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,640
# On the 11th day of Christmas
324
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,000
# My true love sent to me
325
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,960
# Eleven pipers piping... #
326
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,960
That would annoy you, wouldn't it?
327
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,960
# Dee dee dee dee dee,
dee dee dee dee dee
328
00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,960
# Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee,
dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee
329
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,960
# Eleven maids a-dancing
330
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,960
# Five pipe... #
No.
331
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,960
# Ten drum...
Eight maids a-milking
332
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,960
# Seven swans a-swimming
333
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:14,960
# Six geese a-laying
five golden rings
334
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens
335
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,960
# Two turtle doves
336
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,960
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
337
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,960
I don't know the words. That was one
of the posh songs when I was a kid.
338
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,000
Geordies didn't sing
them sort of songs.
339
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,480
It's a nice song.
340
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,960
And...it always takes you right
into Christmas, doesn't it really?
341
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,960
Do you like it, or...?
342
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,960
Yeah...
343
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:45,320
Maybe there is something magic
about it that I'll rediscover
344
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,000
when I get older.
345
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,960
Or when I'm...slightly different.
346
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,960
I always complain about Christmas
but I guess maybe I like it a bit.
347
00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:02,960
# And a partridge in a pear...
# In a pe-e-e-e-ear...
348
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,960
# Tree
# Tree
349
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,800
# Ye-e-e-e-e-eah
350
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,960
# Tree
351
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:13,960
# Oo-oo... #
Oh!
352
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,640
# On the twelfth day of Christmas
353
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,800
# My true love sent to me
354
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,960
# Twelve lords a-leaping
# Eleven pipers piping
355
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,960
# Ten drummers drumming
# Nine ladies dancing
356
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,960
# Eight maids a-milking
# Two French hens
357
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:33,800
# Six geese a-laying
# Five gold rings
358
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens
359
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,960
# Deux pigeons
360
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,960
# And a partridge in a pear tree #
361
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Oh, I'm a partridge.
362
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,960
We know it now but we can't sing it.
363
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:53,960
I know bits. I just can't...
Put the words together.
364
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,960
12 days. Is it like the 12th night?
365
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,640
Is that what it means?
What's all that? That's like...
366
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,320
I don't want to go through
all that analysing it.
367
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,960
I know it's late but I think
we need to bottom this one.
368
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,960
You can bog off, I'm not doing it.
369
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,960
We need to analyse it
to the nth degree.
370
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,960
Change the subject please.
371
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,960
# Four calling birds... #
No, hold on.
372
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,800
Where are we going now,
from the top? Eh?
373
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,960
# Four calling birds,
three French hens, two turtle doves
374
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:28,000
# And a partridge in a pear tree
375
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:35,960
# ..tridge in a pear tree-ee #
376
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,960
(CACKLES)
377
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,160
APPLAUSE
378
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,000
That's a wrap.
379
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,160
Brilliant.
It's in the can.
380
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,960
Happy Christmas everyone.
381
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,960
Have a very, very nice Christmas.
382
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,960
You're very beautiful.
383
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,640
(AS THE QUEEN)
And from Buckingham Palace,
384
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,960
I'd like to wish you all
a merry Christmas.
385
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960
She sounds like an old queen.
Gawd, dear, I do, don't I?
386
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,960
All I need's a pair of a glasses and
a bouffant. You make me feel old.
387
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960
Bless you, Ma'am.
388
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,960
The spirit of Christmas
is something really beautiful
389
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,960
when you believe in it.
390
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960
If not, well...
391
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,800
Enjoy Christmas as you can.
392
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,160
Happy Christmas, Muriel.
Happy Christmas.
393
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,640
And just carry on drinking
the water.
394
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,960
Yes.
It's good for you.
395
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,000
I wish I could drink but...
396
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,160
I can't drink.
397
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,960
Ooh, I think...
398
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960
a nice peaceful Christmas
for everybody.
399
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,960
I think we'll have
a nice peaceful Christmas.
400
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,960
Yes, I think so.
401
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,480
My Christmas message to the world
402
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:54,960
is...love your family,
love your friends,
403
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,480
love your animals,
and love life to the full
404
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:02,960
because life is so exciting
and so enjoyable.
405
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,960
And the more you put into it,
the more you get out of it.
406
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,160
Life is just so fantastic.
407
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:17,960
My Christmas message would be
stop shopping.
408
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,960
My Christmas message
to the world is...
409
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,960
..speak to each other.
Talk. Communicate.
410
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,960
It's-it's good to talk.
411
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,960
It's great to have a conversation.
412
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,960
Erm...
413
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,640
If you talk more, I think
there wouldn't be so many problems.
414
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,800
And let's share the wealth.
415
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,960
We all live on the same planet.
We're all the same people.
416
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,640
Love each other. Bling!
417
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,960
Don't worry.
It's only gonna be for a week or so
418
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,480
and then you can forget
all about it till next year.
419
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,000
That song, the 12 Days of Christmas,
I find it really irritating.
420
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:13,960
The words are daft.
Five gold rings and all that.
421
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,960
Happy Christmas everybody.
Happy Christmas.
422
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,960
That didn't sound very sincere,
did it?
423
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,960
Well, it was.
Happy Christmas, enjoy yourselves.
424
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,960
And don't forget
the true meaning of Christmas.
425
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,480
No.
426
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,960
I'm just thinking about partridges.
427
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,000
Well, stop thinking about
partridges.
428
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,960
Is it in danger as a species?
429
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
Can you be quiet now, please?
430
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,960
Is it edible?
(SIGHS)
431
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,960
# On...the first day of... #
432
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,960
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