Original subtitles

I think everybody, when they look in the mirror,

has got their mirror face, and you can see them do it.

They look one way, and then they look in the mirror,

and they change their face BEFORE they look in the mirror,

to see they face they want to see in the mirror.

And I do that as well.

And then occasionally,

I catch myself in the mirror BEFORE I've put the mirror face on,

and...it's generally an unpleasant experience.

WHIRRING

Ooh! CLUCKING

POP

Cheep!

Woof! Woof!

Oink!

Moo!

Right, girls. Let's talk about how you look. Who's best-looking?

Ooh... Julie's got lovely...

She's twice the size of Claire. Aw...

Hey, thanks very much! Julie and I have problems with hair.

Well, I'm a freak of nature. At least you haven't got a beard.

(ALL GIGGLE) No, I haven't got a beard.

(ALL LAUGH)

I can smile. Haven't got perfect teeth nor nowt.

I mean - my teeth's not perfect, but I can smile.

With a 'tache, and that...

I can be - sure, I can be the life and soul of the party.

Ah, looks are nowt, really.

The look is very important to me, yes.

But I don't know...I mean, you know, I got laughing smiles,

laughing lines, whatever you call them,

but no, not really.

I'm not vain from that point of view.

I think it's...it's... it's got to come from inside.

You know, if you feel good about yourself,

you look good.

If you listen to your own body,

your body, your inner sense,

will tell you what you shouldn't be eating.

But then...it's like bananas.

I absolutely love bananas,

but my body doesn't like bananas.

I'm what I call a funny sort of eater, really.

I'm the sort of eater

that sits about thinking about food for a while,

and I might think about it for a long time.

I might think what it is I'd like to eat,

and then I might just go PAST the time when I want to eat.

I sit about and think about it a bit more,

and then I go off to bed.

The Atkins diet - there's like bacon, sausages,

eggs, fried bread - they call it the Atkins diet.

That's why they call it the Atkins diet.

No, the Fatkins diet, I think that one is.

Two days later, I come out and then I do some scarfing.

I do a day's troughing and slarfing and narfing.

I do a bit of scarfing.

And then actually, I eat a LOT.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm not anorexic. I'm a little on the large side.

And...I suppose if I could lose weight...

But then, you know, you can't make a mouse out of a rat, can you, really?

So my physical appearance is... I'm well covered.

Nose job. Oh, I've got a big nose as well.

I'm afraid I...(GIGGLES) didn't say about my nose!

Thanks for pointing that out, Hannah!

You're supposed to be somebody, you know...

(LAUGHS) Yes!

Ha, ha, ha! I'd like my nose to be made smaller.

There's nothing wrong with your nose or your face.

It's a very good face,

you've got a very good profile,

and it's a VERY GOOD FACE.

Thank you, Muriel. You're my friend for life.

Ha, ha! That'll cost you something later.

(LAUGHS)

I can curl my tongue. Look. (MUMBLES)

You either can or you can't, though. For some people it's impossible.

Mine curls more than yours. What's the matter wi' mine?

Yours is half-curled! Oh, she can.

No, he has his half-curled, Joe. SLURPING

Mine is wrapping over. Each side is wrapping over the other.

It's not, it's sticking out.

I cannot see it, cos you've got it stuck between your lips.

Push it down! LAUGHTER

Well, they say if you make faces and someone hits you in the face

you stay like that.

If something sticks out, and doesn't make them look...

they'll never be popular, the way they look,

I'm all in favour of them getting plastic surgery.

But the ones you get it done for sort of vanity, for vanity's sake,

"Oh, I want a cute little nose,

I want a cute little chin, and get rid of me Adam's apple,"

that's just vanity. I've got no time for that.

I mean, it's all these rich film stars who get it.

And deep down inside, sometimes I hope it all backfires!

Sometimes I hope they stand too close to the fire and their face melts!

And I'd just, "Yeah, it serves you reet!" Crackerjack!

Buttocks? Botox.

But...Botox? (LAUGHS)

I thought you said buttocks!

Buttocks is goot... um, when it's large and nice and firm.

It's not very nice when it's not there.

Buttocks? Long live...viva buttocks. That's all I can say. Ha, ha.

The more the merrier.

Botox. Botox.

Would you take it, though? No, not really.

I don't want to straighten out my wrinkles. Why would I want to?

They're straight. I think they should give it

to them little Chinese dogs with the funny faces, see what it's like.

That'd be interesting. You know the ones with squeezed up faces?

I don't know what they're like. But inject the Botox into its face.

Shouldn't have done it to humans first.

Should have done it to dogs, see what it looks like.

THEN you know if it works. Right.

Well, actually, I'm quite happy as I am.

(SNIFFS)

What about, um, liposuction?

I don't know. It's not... it's not happening to me.

It's not happening to me, or my friends.

I don't know. Liposuction?

Pff...where did it come from? Liposuction...

they put the jiggle from your butt

into your lips! Uh!

Oh, that's liposuction, is it? Lips?

Lipo-who?

No, I don't need liposuction. My lips are full enough as it is.

That's what I'm blessed with!

No, it's when the suck the um, fat out of you.

I answered the question. I said my piece. I don't know what you...

Liposuction is when they suck the fat out of you, isn't it?

No, well, liposuction is all right if...if you have to do it.

Why would it be all right?

Why would anyone want to have lips different from what they have?

No, liposuction - I mean, suck the fat, sucked out of you.

It's the same thing! No, no! It's not the lips, man.

You do some lips...what's the lips?

I just seem to remember there was a time

when that extra bit of cush and comfort and jiggle...

was, um, the extra-silken layer.

You know - what happened to that association?

I don't really want to change. I mean, it's a bit late now, darling.

You know, um... I think that I look bloody good,

and I...I don't want to change. I'm happy the way I am.

I'm sure if I put a paper bag over the top of my head,

I'd look a lot better.

But I tried that. The problem is, you just keep bumping into things.

OK - don't do that. Don't ruin your life.

Don't look ugly in the street, OK?

Please. It's not nice for the environment.

Die young and stay pretty. That's what I say!

I think it's better to be old and wise, to tell you the truth.

I mean, young and beautiful - it's nice to be young and beautiful,

if you want that sort of life, but...

I suppose it's nice to be young and beautiful

if you can move on to being old and wise.

Be young and beautiful, lose your beauty a bit as you get older,

then become... it'd be nice to have a bit of both, wouldn't it?

I think everybody should have a Geordie accent and a 'tache.

Even the women. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

But...otherwise, just be happy with what you've got.

And don't look in mirrors.

WIND HOWLS

Um, I'd like some more hair.

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