Original subtitles

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Aha

# There is nothing we can do

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Aha

# We just have to take it, this time we're through

# Knowing me, knowing you. #

A-HA!

APPLAUSE

# No more happy laughter

# Knowing me, knowing you

# (With Alan Partridge) There is nothing we can do

# Knowing me, knowing you

# (With Alan Partridge) We just have to face it,

# This time we're through

# Knowing me, knowing you

# With Alan Partridge! #

APPLAUSE

Tsss.

Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, With Alan Partridge.

Not the Talk - the Chat of the Town! DRUM ROLL

We're going to climb the mountain of conversation.

I'll get my grappling hook and scale the north face of Chatmandu!

DRUM ROLL

First, an important announcement.

My dance troupe, the Alan Partridge Playmates, were wearing Alan Partridge masks.

These - thank you - are official merchandise,

available in good novelty shops and Welcome Breaks in the South East.

However, last week these fun items were abused.

Look at these pictures from a security camera.

NatWest, Sycamore Road, Corby, last Tuesday,

when three gunmen wearing MY rubber face burst in.

Then they ran off with £15,000 in a copper-coloured sports holdall.

I wish to dissociate myself from this act.

My face was designed as a leisure accessory.

When people rob, maim, pimp, ram-raid,

smuggle or peep with my face, they drag it through the mud.

That said, if you want to buy the mask, it's quite fun, you know.

They're in shops now... and service stations.

Students love them! Marvellous!

It's time now to meet and greet

my house band - Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!

# Knowing me, knowing you

# With Alan Partridge! #

I'm pleased you've seen sense and decided to cancel your court action.

Very impressive.

And it means that I've no fear of saying knowing me, Alan Partridge,

knowing you, Glenn Ponder - Aha! Aha!

Knowing me, knowing you, Bangkok - Aha! (Aha.)

I'm in bother. I've got a confession to make.

I stabbed an academic to death in my kitchen. Who?

Professor Plum - it was Cluedo!

DRUM ROLL

But seriously, I believe you've just had a new kitchen fitted. Yeah.

Why?

Well, my boyfriend's a bit of a cordon bleu,

and it was his idea, really.

His idea.

I didn't know. Take me down, please.

We needed a bit more space, so what the hell, we splashed out. Sorry, the conversation's finished now.

Come round for a meal. No, thanks. You'd be welcome. No, it's all right.

Can we get this to move quicker?

I'll jump the last couple of feet. That's fine.

Glenn Ponder and Bangkok!

MUSIC: "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

# Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-BA-A, BA! #

That was the music for Pearl & Dean.

We all know, love and admire it.

My next guests are SCOTT and Dean, but they ARE connected with cinema.

That's why I just sang the Pearl & Dean song.

They're brothers who produce, write, direct and star in their own films.

They swept through Hollywood like a plague of locusts shouting "Action!"

They're big shots in Tinsel Town - ironic as they're both under 4' 10"!

You'll see what I mean - Scott and Dean Maclean!

# I can dance with you, honey, if you think it's funny

# Does your mother know that you're out?

# I can chat with you, baby

# Flirt a little, maybe, Does your mother know you're out? #

Ah. Br-r-r. Yabba dabba do! Eh? Can you do that?

Lovely!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Scott Maclean - Aha! Aha.

Good lad. He's done it! Well done.

Dean.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Dean Maclean - Aha! Aha.

By George, he's got it!

You flew in from LA. Did you enjoy the flight?

AMERICAN ACCENT: It was a pain in the ass. Let's move on.

Dean, how old are you?

Eleven. Eleven. Big lad, big lad.

Scott, and you? I'm nine, coming up to the big one-"O".

What?

Ten! One-zero. I'm gonna be ten.

Great.

Are you looking forward to your birthday?

When you hit double figures you need time out to ask serious questions.

Like what?

Am I satisfied? Where am I going? What do I want?

And what do you want? A space hopper?

A Meccano set? Or do you want a Batmobile?

Believe me, this guy wants it all.

Well, I can't get you that.

But I CAN get you a... # De-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne... #

Batmobile!

There.

I don't want Dean to feel left out - he's looking grumpy there.

There you go - an Alan Partridge mask. Lovely.

What are you laughing at? My face?

You shouldn't laugh at my face.

It's the Batmobile. What's wrong with it?

We don't mean to be rude, but Tim Burton, Batman's director... I know who he is.

..well, he gave us the actual Batmobile used in the movie.

The full-size...? With the gadgets.

You can stick that on the dashboard!

It's cool to drive on the estate.

When I was ten I got a bat and a ball.

I played with that on the...estate.

It was attached by elastic, so you could bat it back and forth.

It was... In the bat and ball world it was state of the art!

Do you still have it, Alan? No, it was taken off...stolen from me

by Stephen McCoombe, a big bully.

He just threw it in the canal.

I told the teacher, who said not to tell tales and be a sneak.

Where's the justice in that?!

Where is the justice in that?

You gotta let these things go, Alan.

Yeah, you're right.

Right, where was I? Our new movie. Thank you.

I like you. What about me? Yes.

Tell us about Bruce Willis. Did you fire him three weeks into filming?

Yeah. We had a difference of opinion What was that?

We thought he was an asshole.

OK. What about me? Am I...?

You're an asshole too. No, no. OK. Could I take over from Bruce Willis?

Maybe you could do a screen test for us. What? What...? Really?

Sure. Fly over to LA next week. I could do.

I'm doing a conference for Nabisco at the Birmingham Metropole, but...

..Nick Owen could do it, he owes me.

It was a joke. We were only joking.

So was I, so the joke's on you - I started the joke.

No, WE started the joke.

No, I did. One big, happy joke!

..I started. You didn't.

Did. Didn't. I DID! It's childish.

Yeah, why don't you grow up?

Like you? No, just act your age.

He's only nine. Nearly the one-"O"!

Yes, very good. Very clever.

I started the joke, now I've finished it.

You Americans haven't got a sophisticated sense of humour.

Have you heard of Robin's Nest?

Not got a clue. You haven't got a clue.

You're three times older, and we're 50 times as rich, and 100 times more talented - you don't like it.

Why don't you get a life?

I've got one. Why don't you get one? What kind of life have YOU had? Very successful.

Last month I was voted Man Of The Moment by TV Quick magazine. Ooh (!) Shut up.

I was Sports Reporter of the Year for Radio Norwich. Big time (!) Yes.

Ten years ago I was broadcasting complex traffic information to East Anglia when you were just a foetus!

Oh, your breath is gross!

I have NOT got bad breath! Something died! Nothing died in my mouth!

I'm Alan Partridge. My mouth's a chemical dump. Gross! Aagh! Right!

I'm confiscating that. And that. You can't! You can't have it.

Oh! Uh!

God! Get Security!

Christ! Sorry (!)

You should be in a borstal!

Any more questions? No. Can we go now? Yes.

Scott and Dean Maclean!

I'm Alan Partridge. Gross! Aargh!

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Sorry about that.

Now... Women.

What are they?

To some women you can say, "What a nice dress. Would you like dinner?"

With other women you've got to keep your distance. Just be pleasant.

I'm talking about those who, until the last century, were confined to Lesbos.

In other words, lady lesbians.

That's what my next guests are.

Next week a new series for lesbians starts,

called Off The Straight And Narrow, hosted by my next guests.

The BBC told me to help them promote their show, which is a good idea.

I can't tell you what's going to be in their show, that's their job.

Let's hear from the horses' mouths.

Please welcome Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon!

APPLAUSE

# Honey, honey, touch me, baby

# Aha, honey, honey

# Honey, honey, hold me, baby

# Aha, honey, honey

# Honey, honey. #

"Diddly-de-de-dee, two ladies, diddly-de-de-dee, two ladies,

"Diddly-de-de-dee, and I'm the only man, ja,

"Diddly-de-de-dee, I like it,

"Diddly-de-de-dee, they like it,

"Diddly-de-de-dee, this two for one, badom, badom, bom, bom."

I'm sorry, that was misjudged. I'm sorry.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Wanda Harvey - Aha! Aha.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Bridie McMahon - Aha! Aha.

BAD IRISH ACCENT: Bridie McMahon!

It's the kind of name an Irish flame-haired, fiery woman has in a John Wayne film.

He'd say, "Over my knee for six of the best"!

You'd say, "Oi'll have nuttin' to do wit ye, keep your hands off!"

But in the end you marry him.

It won't happen - you're a lesbian.

Wanda.

If you married Glenn, you know what your name would be? Wanda Ponder!

But, er...that's not going to happen, because you're, you know...

So's he.

I don't want to get bogged down in this nest of gay vipers. Have you got a question? Yes.

What's it like to be a lesbian?

You want us to sum up the experience of millions of women in one sound bite?

If you could.

Well, I can't. You're going to have to, love, if you want to make it as a TV presenter.

With all respect, considering we've got a series running for 24 weeks...

Twenty-four weeks! I only got six.

Maybe the BBC thinks our show will be four times as good as yours. No.

You two, you're both lesbians, we know that. I don't mind. No problem.

Does it bother YOU when you hear people use these slang expressions?

Which ones?

You know, the usual - lesbos, lezzers, lesbefriends,

dykes, bull dykes,

Dick Van Dykes,

spare rib ticklers,

cat flaps,

baggage handlers and left luggage - do those names hurt?

What are those? Just names. That you guys thought up?

Not ALL. Can't take credit for lezzers and dykes.

OK, now, let's talk about your show,

because I've got to - what's it about?

Next week Jeanette Winterson reviews the latest gay fiction.

This should interest you - a women's football team.

Also, we have Kitty Mayhew from the British Museum looking at Etruscan gay iconography.

Fantastic!

Are you interested in gay... I've just realised an anagram of my name.

"Great drain, pal". Amazing!

You can get "prat" out of Partridge.

I know. Alan is an anagram of "anal".

Yes, I'm aware of that.

I know. So, "anal dirge prat".

I didn't know that. That's a very good one.

I've been thinking of one for Glenn Ponder, if you can help me out.

Now, your new show. "Porn legend".

Sorry? "Porn legend" - it's an anagram of Glenn Ponder.

You're right. Glenn, are you a porn legend?

Well, my boyfriend thinks so. All right. I hope he thinks that.

I don't want to get bogged down in a gay hornets' nest.

It's called Off The Straight And Narrow - a bit of a mouthful.

We call it O-T-S-A-N, or OTSAN for short. Nearly an anagram of "Satan". Carry on.

It's just like you abbreviate this show to K-M-K-Y.

No, it's full title is K-M-K-Y-W-A-P.

Or KMKYWAP, as someone said.

An Indian talking to Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves - "Kmkywap!"

It also sounds a bit like a moist toilet tissue - a Kmkywap.

Yeah. Can't argue with that. I could wipe myself with a Kmkywap and throw it down my great drain, pal!

After cleaning your anal dirge prat.

That's just offensive. I wouldn't worry - no-one's watching!

They are! You lose one million viewers a week.

All right, I admit it. There's a conspiracy to deprive me of viewers.

Your mates are behind it. That lot upstairs.

The Mr and Ms's of BBC 2 don't like me - they all went to Oxbridge,

wherever that is!

They wear linen suits, flip-flops, and say, "Look! I work for BBC 2.

"My glasses are like John Lennon's"! I LOATHE these people.

Every week they come to the studio and say, "You can't do that, you can't say this." Get out!

I wish all you BBC 2 people would get on a bus and drive over a cliff!

I'd happily be the driver.

That said, er...

Good luck with the series.

Please thank Wanda Harvey and Bridie McMahon, two ladies, diddly-de-de-dee!

APPLAUSE

Let's take a break from all this chat, for a little light relief.

Fifteen years ago, on a Hoseasons holiday in Bournemouth, I went to the cabaret.

It was mediocre.

Then, one man came on and raised the roof. He made me laugh, literally, like a drain.

I went backstage and said to him,

"I'm Alan Partridge. If I get my own TV series, I'll give you a break."

Hold your sides, they may split,

as I welcome on Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!

APPLAUSE

ALAN LAUGHS

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, my name's Joe Beasley and... Hey!

This is Cheeky Monkey.

It's a privilege to be here on Knowing Me, Knowing You. That's an Abba song, in't it? So here's a joke.

What do you get if you cross Fred Flintstone...? No, not if cross...

What do you get if you, um...?

What does a Swedish... What does a Swedish Fred Flintstone say?

YABBA DABBA DO!

No, he says ABBA DABBA DO!

Abba dabba do, that's what he says.

The other week...

Pack it in... The other week... Stop!

We went to Blackpool pleasure beach,

and I don't know if you know,

they have the world's biggest roller coaster, and we went up it...

Oh, God!

We went up the big dipper...

We're on the big dipper, going about 200 mph...

..200 mph on the big dipper, and er...

We go on the big dipper, come round the corner, and Cheeky Monkey, he...

We're on the big dipper...

No. Oh, you Cheeky Monkey! He's made me forget.

It's his fault. He's made me forget. He's made... Ooh!

He's always doing that, ladies... He's made me forget the joke.

You Cheeky Monkey. Cheeky, cheeky!

Thank you, Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Well done.

Joe, I think you've been...

You've been very brave. There's plenty more jokes.

Just a mistake. It's not working.

Apologise to him. He's upset. It's not real!

Aw, he's upset him. It's not real.

DON'T TOUCH IT!

I'm sorry.

You've got a big problem.

If you have any sense of dignity - your act is so poor - you'll leave the stage.

I'll get you applause. Quit while you're ahead.

The wonderful Joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey!

APPLAUSE

My final guest in this show, and in the series,

has dined with Fidel Castro, President Kennedy, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Bing Crosby.

He's the most feared, respected and opinionated man in Britain.

He is the restaurant critic of the Spectator magazine.

He's had more free dinners than I've had hot dinners.

In Who's Who, under "hobbies", it really does say,

"Food, food, glorious food... and wine."

He's recovering from a heart bypass operation.

Please welcome raconteur and bon viveur, Forbes McAllister!

APPLAUSE

# On and on and on, keep on rocking Till the night is gone

# On and on and on

# Till the night is gone

# On and on and on. #

This is the last time I'm ever going to do this. You know the form? Yes.

Let's make it a good 'un. Knowing me, Alan... Aha. You ruined the last one.

Hello, lesbians.

You were in the papers... No moustache? What?

You had one last week. Made you look like a spiv. Yes. I shaved it off - it didn't suit me.

Made you look like a Lebanese pimp.

As I said, it didn't suit me.

It did.

You were in the papers yesterday because you were at Sotheby's

for an auction where you paid over £100,000 for the personal effects of Lord Byron.

Bring forward the personal artefacts of Lord Byron. £100,000 - a lot of money.

You must be a big fan. Can't stand him - a ponce with a club foot.

So why have you bought all his bits?

Michael Winner was bidding for them, and I hate him even more than Byron.

Ended up with this junk. A lock of his hair. Look at that, lezzer.

A manuscript of some of his rubbish poems.

Wanna look at rubbish? Careful, they're valuable.

This is what Michael really wanted to get his greasy hands on - Lord Byron's duelling pistols.

Michael, I've got the pistols.

Can I ask you a question? Are you entirely motivated by hatred?

Yes, I think I am.

It's rather perceptive of you. Thank you. I hate YOU.

Wanda, Bridie, do you like Byron? Hate him.

Yes. I find his work powerful and moving. It speaks to me like the sea in a shell.

You DO have a lovely voice. Yes. I could fall in love with you...

..if you put a bag over your head.

Please.

I hate you.

Not as much as I hate you, though.

Forbes, we have a surprise for you.

We know that as you grew up in Scotland, you loved the bagpipes.

So now the Balmoral Highland Pipers!

APPLAUSE

THEY PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

Forbes, what do you say? What do you think?

I used to throw stones at pipers. I hate them.

They're Scotland's best bagpiping combo. They've been on How Do They Do That?

Do you want me to lie and say I like bagpipes? Yes.

All right. I love the screeching, wheezing, rasping din they make.

Careful.

SCREAMING Oh, my God!

What happens now? Is there a doctor?

It's not my fault.

I didn't know it was loaded. Stay calm.

It wasn't my fault. Tosser!

You've killed him! Is he all right?

I'm afraid he's dead. Cover him up.

With this.

You tit!

I'm the executive producer - you're fired.

You just killed a man and I'M fired?

I'm fired? Yes. I'm fired? Yes.

Wanker! You're a wanker!

Get the pipers back on! We're carrying on. Get them back on. Back on? Back on.

This is Knowing Me, Knowing You, With Alan Partridge, a live show.

In live television anything can happen.

Do you remember Blue Peter when the elephant...made a mess on the studio floor?

Ironically, it was in this very studio.

I can't deny I've made a mess.

Another exclusive for Knowing Me, Knowing You, or KMKYWAP.

Just as a packet of Kmkywaps clears up a mess, I'm going to clear this.

So, may I be the first to offer my condolences to the family of Forbes...

Glenn? McAllister. McAllister. McAllister.

He's at peace now. He went out like a light. No suffering - I shot him in the heart.

It's time to close the show, and the series, as Forbes would have wanted,

with the Balmoral Highland Pipers playing us out,

and my wonderful guests

and lovely Alan Partridge Playmates.

I'll have to speak to the police waiting in the wings.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the police - Aha!

I'll be chatting with you in a short while.

Enjoy what's left of the show, officers.

On that fatal bombshell, I must say goodbye for the last time.

If you're in Manchester on the 17th, I'm opening Texas Homecare.

So pop along, it should be fun.

This is me saying knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, whoever you may be - AHA!

Subtitles by Kathy Jenkins BBC - 1994