Original subtitles

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Ah-ha

# There is nothing we can do

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Ah-ha

# We just have to face it, this time we're through

# Knowing me, knowing you. #

Ah-ha! APPLAUSE

Welcome!

Welcome to "Knowing Me Knowing You With Alan Partridge" -

or "The Alan Partridge Show" as most people like to call it.

It's easier - that's what I call it.

There's so much in tonight's show that at the end I'll be shattered,

or should I say chattered?! DRUMBEAT

LAUGHTER

Last week I sacked my house band and their leader, Glenn Ponder.

That's TV. They had to go.

So now please welcome my new resident house band - The Eagles!

Or rather, don't.

Because Glenn has put a stop to that.

This week he obtained a court injunction preventing his dismissal.

Please welcome NOT double platinum album-selling rock stars The Eagles,

but Ipswich-based hotel-lobby wine-bar band, Glenn Ponder and Lazarus!

APPLAUSE

# Knowing me, knowing you. #

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Lazarus. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

Glenn, if this show was a motor-car, what kind of motor-car would it be?

I've no idea. Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.

DRUMBEAT

Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.

APPLAUSE

BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

THEME ENDS See... THEME ENDS AGAIN

See you in court.

My first guest was born within the sound of Bow Bells.

He is a Cockney man.

30 years ago, he crawled out of the maggot-ridden cesspit that is the East End

to become Britain's most colourful boxing and entertainments promoter.

All day he's on the dog and bone - phone. He's coming down these apples and pears - stairs.

I'm sure we're going to have a great bowler hat - chat.

Please welcome a very special antique Edwardian tea-chest - guest.

He was cleared of garotting a nightclub owner in Leicester Square.

Terry Norton!

# So I wanna know

# What's the name of the game?

# Does it mean anything to you?

# What's the name of the game? #

Ah. Nice whistle. Whistle and toot - suit!

Flute. Sorry? Whistle and flute. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Terry Norton. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

Now, Terry, you come from a very humble background.

But now you mix with the great and the good. A little Cockney whelk sitting on a plate of oysters.

Do you ever think to yourself, "How did I get here, on top of this plate of oysters?"

Of course, Alan. It's a combination of determination, perseverance and a good head for business.

And, if I may say so,

# Wiv a little bit

# Wiv a little bit of bloomin' luck. #

Is that fair? Yeah, well, you know, if you like, yeah.

We're the same. Two working-class boys, no education, no qualifications.

But through sheer determination, we have made it to the top of the tree.

I must pick you up on a couple of points. I did go to East Anglia Polytechnic. You know what I mean.

Regarding working class. We did own our own home and we did holiday in Spain.

Sometimes.

I imagine you know Spain quite well, what with all your... all your connections.

I've got a villa out there, cut into the cliff, overlooking the Med. Just in case.

Just in case what? Just in case you need to go on holiday. Quickly.

You're leading me down a dark alley. That's the last place I'd like to be with you!

Why's that?

Sorry?

Why's that?

I just wouldn't. That's all.

Now, Terry, you've promoted boxing, snooker, bowling - crown green and tenpin - that didn't work.

Now you're launching a new promotion next month.

Tell us about that. I'm bringing back the beauty contest.

Times, fashion may change, but people will always want to look at lovely ladies.

From now back to the Ancient Greeks.

Aristotle Onassis. Exactly.

I mean, whatever the women's libbers may say, Germaine Greer, Esther Rantzen... That lot.

You can't change human nature. You can't.

I used to support women's libbers.

When they said, "Burn your bras".

Whatever they say, next month, live on Sky TV, it's Miss Great Britain -

and nothing can spoil that feast.

Absolutely.

We'll EAT some of that feast later -

Terry has cooked up a tray of "lady vol-au-vents",

if you will, which I will be EATING, or compering, later.

Tonight I will be MC for the final heat of - and it's my home town - Miss Norwich!

APPLAUSE

Now, Terry -

"Murderer! You killed my son!"

That was what the mother of the garotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square said to you,

as you were cleared of the murder of her only son.

The garotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square.

Did those words hurt?

Yes. I was in Leicester Square, but as was proved in court, I was hailing a cab at the time it happened.

Absolutely. We've got a reconstruction of that night, using professional actors,

some of whom have been in The Bill and Minder.

Terry, that night - was it something like this?

Taxi!

Is that how it was? Well, yeah. More or less.

There were some people who said it happened like this.

Taxi!

How it didn't happen. What's that?

That's how it didn't happen.

That is a couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish. Touched a nerve there.

I could have gone down. It was dealt with by the law. It's over. It's dead and buried.

Rather like the garotted... You're out of your depth. People get out of their depth, they end up drowning

Calm down. Do you want to get involved in this world?

Nightclub owners in Leicester Square who get garotted? Ammonia in the boat? I'll get you involved.

I'll suck you in so far you'll get blown out the other side. Wipe that soppy look off your gormless face!

You wanna get sucked in? No! Well, you tell them.

What was that about? A couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish. Right.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Now, are we having a beauty contest, or what? Beauty contest, please.

I'll...I'll see you later for that. Thank you for that nice chat.

Ladies and gentlemen - Terry Norton, an innocent man! APPLAUSE

Now for one of the hit bits of my show.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, another Alan Partridge,

in which I meet another man whose name is Alan Partridge.

It really is that simple. Two weeks ago I had a letter from an Alan Partridge in Preston.

He asked to come on the show tonight.

A week ago, he died.

I told his family I would honour the booking if they so desired.

They said it is what Alan would have wanted.

Welcome, with his family, Alan Partridge!

APPLAUSE

Knowing me, Alan Partridge,

knowing you, another Alan Partridge.

Rest in peace. Ah-ha.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Mary Partridge. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge,

knowing you... I've forgotten your name. Liam. Ah-ha.

BOTH: Ah-ha. No, not you.

Ah-ha.

What was he like?

He liked a drink.

He didn't suffer fools gladly. He had a temper.

Er, he...he...

He did like this show, didn't he? Oh, yes. It was his - what...?

..his second favourite TV programme.

Yes. So, er... What was his first?

Baywatch.

About the beach people?

He liked the girls. Don't we all?

Let's hope there are girls in Heaven. If...

If that's where he's going, you know.

From what you say it's unclear. Perhaps there are girls in Purgatory or Hell.

Um... But no-one leaves this show empty-handed, so...

I don't know why I'm being solemn. No-one leaves the show empty-handed.

And Alan gets this lovely headstone.

It's a granite-marble mix in Normandy grey. Do you like it?

It's lovely. He was actually born in 1931.

What have we got? '32. Right.

One year out. Not bad.

I mean, if it's a problem, we can re-grind it. That would be great. Right.

We CAN do it, it's just it will take a couple of weeks. It's only one year out.

He would like the right date. He'd got quite a temper.

He's hardly likely to display that now, is he?

But if you want, we'll get it done.

He would have wanted it. We'll do it! Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. What?

Sorry. Right.

Well, er... Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge, his son, Liam,

and his lovely widow, Mary!

Well, as we heard, Alan was quite fond of pretty ladies.

So it seems appropriate that in his presence we hold the final of Miss Norwich.

Mary, you have agreed,

with Liam and your uncle, Pete,

to judge tonight's contest.

Stand there.

Glenn, would you like to judge Miss Norwich? I'd love to.

Well, you can't.

Now, if you're watching this at home, in your Parker Knoll armchair,

hit the recline button and relax as we go girl crazy with a bit of harmless fun.

That's all it is. Please welcome the finalists for Miss Norwich.

The first contestant is Susan Atkinson. She's 20 years old.

Her vital statistics are 34-24-33, so she's slightly bigger at the top.

She's a shop assistant for Saxone Shoes.

She tells me the most popular shoes

are plain black lace-ups with six eyes.

Contestant two is Donna Cookson. APPLAUSE

Donna is 20. ROWDY APPLAUSE

Come on, keep it down!

Donna used to dance in a nightclub, but it was closed down after a fire.

Contestant three is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton.

Lisa is a nanny for a couple who - she tells me - make adverts and live in a converted barn.

When she has the house to herself she dances round the living room to pop music.

She is the shortest of tonight's contestants.

Contestant four is Maria McNulty.

APPLAUSE

Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic.

She tells me that, before each contest, she says a quick prayer.

She has a 36-inch bust. Ave Maria!

Our final contestant is Siobhan Glukowsky.

APPLAUSE

Siobhan works in William Hill bookmakers. So what are her odds?

I'll tell you. They're 50-1. She's a rank outsider.

Siobhan has a Polish grandmother who doesn't speak English.

Those are tonight's finalists.

APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE

Well, we've looked at their bodies. Now let's look at their minds.

Susan Atkinson, you work at Saxone Shoes. Yes.

Do you get a lot of competition from Dolcis? Yeah, we do. Right, lovely.

Donna Cookson.

CHEERS

You certainly have a lot of fans. Are you enjoying the competition?

Yes, I am. Do you watch this show?

No. No. That's all right. That's OK. That's fine.

Lisa Thornton. Do you have any hobbies?

Yes. I like swimming and dancing. Lovely.

I've always wanted to meet you.

I like your moustache. Really?

It, like, really suits your face.

I keep it trimmed with nasal scissors.

Makes you look like Rhett Butler.

"Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Of course I do. Of course I give a damn.

You're lovely.

What's your ambition?

I'd like to work in television.

Really? Great. Well, we should have a chat.

After the show. You're all staying at the Holiday Inn? The others are but I'm staying at home with my mum.

Right.

You could just go to the hotel for a drink.

We'd get you a taxi home. I'll speak to your mum, if you want. Lovely.

We'll have a chat. Thank you. Good luck. Thanks.

Do you like animals? Yes. Do you? Yes.

Fair enough. Right.

APPLAUSE

Well, we've done them all.

So while the judges make up their minds,

I'm afraid you're just going to have to listen to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.

BAND PLAYS: "The Winner Takes It All Number 3 has the best personality.

It's the best personality.

It's a majority decision, so let's leave it at that. But... Shut up.

Right. OK. Glenn! Glenn, thank you, Glenn.

Well, we have a unanimous decision. The winner of this year's Miss Norwich is Number Three -

Lisa Thornton, ah-ha!

APPLAUSE

Lisa, are you pleased? Oh, yes!

I didn't think I'd win. Why not, for heaven's sake?

I thought Number Two would win. This could be the start of a glittering career.

Who are you waving to?

That's my fiance, Andy. Right. Andy. Right.

Miss Norwich, soon to be Mrs Norwich. Don't wave any more.

Well, I said before that if this show was a car it would be Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.

DRUMBEAT

So now let's slip that car

into another pig's ear - gear, a more serious pig's ear - gear.

In a new regular feature I tackle the contemporary political issues of the day.

Partridge Over Britain! You can go.

APPLAUSE

Next week the voters of West Chalfont go to the polls for a by-election

caused by the death of the sitting Conservative MP, Sir Maurice Christopher, who choked on scampi.

Let's meet the candidates.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, on my left and to the left of most of West Chalfont,

the Labour candidate.

She's a teacher. She's divorced. She is Charlotte Fraser. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the Lib Dem candidate.

He's a lawyer. He sits on Chalfont's education committee, and he's black.

Ronald Biggs, ah-ha. Ah-ha.

In the middle, me, Alan Partridge, ah-ha.

And on my right,

the Conservative candidate, Adrian Finch.

Adrian and his wife Rosemary have three lovely children.

You're also a fan of steam engines. That's right, Alan. It's full steam ahead for the by-election.

Lovely sense of humour. Adrian Finch, ah-ha. Ah-ha.

The final candidate, who we have to have on - he's paid his deposit and that's democracy -

is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III

of the Bald Brummies Against The Big-footed Conspiracy Party. Ah-ha. BRUMMIE ACCENT: Bald Brummies!

There's a time and a place for fun and it's not on this show. Right.

We'll open it up to my audience.

Throughout the questions, I will be remaining impartial at all times.

I will remain Pontius Partridge. So, er...so...

Any questions for the panel, please?

Yes, the woman with the high head.

In view of the rising crime rate, would the panel consider the reintroduction of capital punishment?

Charlotte Fraser, Labour. We see old women's faces in the paper.

Isn't the best way to deal with hooligans

to hang them till the spinal column severs, starving the body of oxygen?

Hanging is brutal and barbaric and the hallmark of an uncivilised society.

What about lethal injection? Gas chamber? Electric chair?

That's not really the point, Alan. All the indications... Firing squad.

The headslap. The headslap. Please don't... Please don't do that,

Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.

There's no evidence to say capital punishment would reduce crime. It would reduce it by one.

Um...Adrian Finch,

capital punishment.

Will you pull the lever?

Well, whether I pull the lever or not is not the question. Yes, it is.

LAUGHTER

The...the whole issue of...of capital punishment, of hanging,

is...is one wh...which must be addressed on a moral level

by...by the public in general

um...before we can make any...

..absolute moral decision.

Good point. Very good point. Good point.

Ronnie Biggs, it's not yes or no, is it?

Well, yes, it is. Good. No, I'm disagreeing with you. It IS a yes or no question.

No-one really cares. Yes, no, maybe - it's not life or death.

Well, yes it is.

Yes, but it's BORING. Right, OK, well. The phone lines are open.

We have a call - David Silk from Leeds.

Are you there? 'Yes.' Are you wearing silk?

'I'm naked.'

What's the question? 'Who will have the bottle to tighten up the immigration laws?'

Immigration. It's a political hot potato. Charlotte Rampling, catch.

Fraser. Immigration is one of those questions that comes up time and time again at meetings like this.

There is a reason for that... It's interesting...

Excuse me. He's TRYING to speak.

You're SUCH a rude woman!

Go ahead.

What...what we must do...absolutely,

is put in place a system of um...

Headslapping? No.

A system of... Headslapping?

I am trying to answer the question.

A system of... Headslapping?

You're putting me off. Please. I know.

A system of... Headslapping?

A system of... Headslapping? A system of...

Headslapping? System of... Headslapping? System of...

IGNORE HIM! Ignore him!

Um...Charlotte... No, it's gone.

Fraser. Do you want to talk about women, or something?

I'd like to talk about immigration, as I was before you interrupted me.

Interestingly, people rarely mention the fact

that our immigration laws are some of the most stringent anywhere. Ronald?

More people emigrate from the country than immigrate into it. Exactly.

Shh-shh!

I've never done five.

Great! Six.

No, sorry.

All right. Let's have another question. The woman...

The woman with this business.

How would the panel create more cycle lanes...? That's a terrible question!

Gentleman with the spectacles.

I'd like to ask... Hang on, are you a Slaphead?

I'm sorry?

Are you a Bald Kojak Bigfoot-hater?

I just want to ask about sport.

I'm sorry. Please go ahead.

What are the panel's views on the possibility of the Bald Olympics coming to Birmingham?

Very good (!)

Bald Brummies! Bald Brummies!

Who are you?

Who are you? I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.

No, you're not. I'll tell you who you are.

You're entertainments officer for Warwick University Students' Union.

Who's he? David 'arrison. Don't do that voice any more. Who's he?

David Harrison. What does he do?

He's a tutor in Political Science.

And what....what are you studying? Law.

What do your parents think of this? Not that keen.

Everyone likes a bit of fun, but you're just wasting people's time.

Get yourself a girlfriend.

Well, I think we know a little bit more about...

Bald Brummies are back!

Look at his slaphead! You are a bloody shit!

You're a bloody, buggering, shitting buggerhead! Please, don't do that.

I think he's just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country!

Full steam ahead! You bugger off!

Don't! Please! This is not political debate!

If you're going to fight, do it in the carpark. Just stop it, please!

Get security! Get security!

I'll have you! I'll have the both of you! Come here! I'll have you!

Right! Right! Right!

On that bombshell, it's time to say -

knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, my guests.

Goodnight and ah-ha.

Subtitles by Ali Bell BBC - 1994