Original subtitles

Paris - city of French people.

Home of Quasimodo,

Louis XIV,

Hercule Poirot and Sacha Distel.

City of lovers, of artists,

of the croissant, the cappuccino.

City of moonlight, of dreams,

of men in coats meeting in brasseries,

and the setting for the fourth show of Knowing Me Knowing You with Alan Partridge!

# Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha,

# There is nothing we can do.

# Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha,

# We just have to face it, this time we're through.

# Knowing me, knowing you! #

AH-HAH!

THEME MUSIC PLAYED IN FRENCH CAFE STYLE

LOUD APPLAUSE

# Savant moi, savant vous! #

Bonjour!

Bonjour, bienvenue, tout le monde!

Why am I speaking in French?

It's because tonight's show is live from Paris! WHOOPS

What was once a pipe dream is now the Channel tunnel - a big pipe.

Tonight, we're building a new construction, one invulnerable to terrorism.

It's a castle of chat,

a CHAT-eau!

LAUGHTER

Or, since we're in Paris, a CHAT-isserie!

LAUGHTER

Please welcome my co-host, a delightful French madame -

although she doesn't run a whore-house -

but she does have excellent organisational skills!

France's Sue Lawley - Nina Vanier!

MUSIC: "Nina, Pretty Ballerina"

You won't find these at your local B & Q. They're...

..French.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Nina Vanier, ah-hah. Ah-huh.

I thought you'd say on-hon, but...you didn't.

My British friends would want me to say - we love the tunnel, but don't send us rabid dogs!

LAUGHTER

We won't as long as you don't send us any mad cows.

Our cows went mad from being bitten by your dogs.

It's an interesting theory, if xenophobic. No French.

Xenophobic is an English word.

It means small-minded fear of other nations.

It's time to meet our house band. They came over on the HoverCat.

Please meet Glenn... Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire!

# Knowing me, knowing you! #

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-hah. Ah-hah.

Knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-huh. Uh-huh.

And knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-hah. Ah-hah.

Knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-huh. Uh-huh.

Glenn, I was walking in Paris and I saw a madman throw himself in the river.

Really? Yes, he was IN-SEINE - in the Seine.

Seriously, Glenn, are you looking forward to the Folies Bergeres tonight?

No, that was last night.

What? Thought you knew. We left a message.

Well, I didn't get one. I was in my hotel room all night.

I ended up watching "The Poseidon Adventure" in French.

There was no message. We left one.

Glenn Ponder and... Are you sure?

Yes.

Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire! APPLAUSE

Delia Smith, Keith Floyd, Fanny Craddock and Mr Kipling

are all famous international chefs.

So is our first...MY first guest.

He's the most controversial chef in Paris,

passionate about food but not the stars who dine in his restaurant.

He poured rice pudding over Bryan Ferry. And slapped Jeremy Irons.

He's wry, he's spry, he's crisp-n-dry! Welcome super-chef Philippe Lambert!

MUSIC: "Voulez-Vous"

You certainly smell French!

I mean...your aftershave is very nice. Is it Aramis?

No, Alan, it's cologne.

Good smell. Thank you. What's yours?

Er...Slazenger sports.

It's the stick type. I...I don't use the roll-on because it...er...traps the hairs.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Philippe Lambert, ah-hah!

Ah-huh.

Now, Philippe, you have very, very kindly

arranged some delicacies here for us to pick at throughout the show.

I have to say, this is a different world

to the universe of Hula Hoops, cheesy Wotsits and Monster Munch!

What's your approach to cuisine?

I don't have an approach, I have a reproach.

I am bored by the restaurant industry.

To me, it seems little more than a pig

endlessly regurgitating and consuming that which...

..it eats...

..without discrimination...

..without taste...

..or joy.

I'm not interested in Egon Ronay's. You know, I sent my Michelin stars back.

You sent them back?

You just peeled the sticker off the window? No, no, no, no, Alan.

It IS quite hard, but it can be done.

Soak a sponge in soapy, warm water and hold it against the sticker.

Leave it for half an hour and it'll just peel off.

Thank you, Alan, I'll remember that. Warm soapy water. Thank you.

It's got to be warm.

Philippe, the other interesting thing about your restaurant is that it has no name. That's right.

It is, if you like, an irony

that while it has no name, people refer to it as The Restaurant With No Name.

Like Clint Eastwood.

What?

H'nn.

I just said, it's like Clint Eastwood.

What is?

In the spaghetti westerns, he was known as the Man With No Name.

It's an irony Jacques Derrida would appreciate. Indeed, he regularly dines and appreciates the irony.

Who's he? Jacques Derrida, the philosopher.

I've never heard of him!

He's the most famous philospher in the world! I wouldn't say that.

LAUGHTER

Alan, would you care to name a more famous one? Yeah. All the...the Greek ones.

One who is alive. Who is the most famous philosopher, Alan?

Peter Ustinov?

Yes, absolutely right. I'd forgotten about him. Thank you.

I'm lost. Your next question, Confucius(?)

I'm not confused.

OK, here's one. You are known as the top chef in your field.

You only have one restaurant.

Berni Inn has thousands!

Jealous?

I don't know. Who is Berni Inn?

You've NEVER heard of Berni Inn?!

He's the most famous steakhouse owner in the world!

Well, I'm sorry, Alan.

Maybe Peter Ustinov and Berni Inn should open a steakhouse together.

Have a steak and talk philosophy.

They could call it...Pete and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse.

It's a good idea.

Like that one, Alan?

Yeah. It's quite nice. It's quite chewy. What is it?

It's beef. What sort of beef?

Bull.

What...what part of the bull? It's a gland.

LAUGHTER

How...how many glands does...

LAUGHTER How many of these glands does it have?

Two.

Ladies and gentlemen, Philippe Lambert!

Now... No, that's me. Sorry. Now, time for some light relief.

If I said clown time was over, I'd be lying.

It's time now to SEND IN THE CLOWNS!

I'm sure I won't see the TEARS OF A CLOWN because I'm told they're hilarious.

Welcome Pompidou prix de joie winners - Cirque des Clowns! Circus of clowns!

Ping!

No! NO!

No...

..no, no.

NO! No, no.

Cirque des Clowns!

Grow up!

CHORUS OF SHUSHES

Thank you. Cirque des...

Cirque des... SHH! SHH!

I presume you're in charge. Let me tell you...

..there's a security guard called Steve.

I promise you, if you make another sound when you leave here,

he will hurt you, physically.

Cirque des Clowns... BARP!

They are...

Sorry, I haven't broken wind! I haven't broken wind. That's them!

Cirque des Clowns will be doing a tour of arts centres in Britain.

I'm sure there will be tickets available.

You're a disgrace!

Cirque des Clowns!

Insanity!

What are you DOING THERE? GET OUT! Why's he still here?!

Can someone remove this clown?!

Where's Steve?

Backstage? No...he'll get him after. He'll get him after.

I'll do it standing up!

I hope my next guest doesn't...

I'll do it here!

I hope my next guest doesn't suffer from vertigo, because she's at the HEIGHT of her profession! DRUMBEAT

She's a top international fashion designer who hails from Lancashire.

Let me just say, YOU look stupid, not me!

I'll do it on three.

On three.

She's a top fashion designer from Lancashire.

I can't... Nina? Yes? Can you get rid of him?

Alors, Toto, il vaut mieux pas.

Il n'est pas tellement experimente avec quelqu'un de ton niveau. Ah, bon.

Oui, merci.

There he goes... APPLAUSE

There he goes, tail between his legs!

STEVE, HE'S COMING OUT!

I hope my next guest has no vertigo because she's at the HEIGHT of her profession. DRUMBEAT

Sorry, what did you say to him? It's not necessary to translate.

I want to know. You don't NEED to know! I command you to tell me!

I said you are out of your depth with an artiste of his calibre,

and your lack of experience makes you unable to cope.

Thank you.

I hope my next guest has no vertigo because she's at the height of her profession. DRUMBEAT

You don't need to do it now!

She arrived by train because she doesn't like flying. She does have vertigo.

She caught the train at Waterloo. Fashion guru, Yvonne Boyd! From WATERLOO!

BAND PLAYS "Waterloo"

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Yvonne Boyd, ah-hah!

Want me to say ah-ha? Please.

Ah-ha.

I'm a big fan of your clothes. I love the outfit you are wearing.

I didn't know you also did pantomime.

What do you mean?

I presume you're Widow Twankey? No. Are you an Ugly Sister?

These are YVONNE'S clothes. Sorry, I thought you did panto.

No, I don't do pantomime.

Well, maybe you should.

You've got the clothes and, without being vulgar, the money is good.

It's worth considering. Peter Pan, Widow Twankey, Buttons!

Can you talk us through the thinking behind your outfit?

It's a sort of fin-de-siecle ghost in the machine.

Is that the distributor cap off a Ford Mondeo? I've no idea.

Let's see.

Yes, it is. Do you drive a Ford Mondeo? No. I don't drive.

I don't like cars. Doesn't drive, fly, or do panto. What DO you do? I design clothes.

That all? Yes. That's interesting.

While you're a master of one trade, I like to think I'm an ALAN of all trades!

I've got a surprise for you, Yvonne.

This is a new regular section of the show called Alan's Trades!

I'll demonstrate a trade that I'm an Alan of.

This week's Alan Trade is fashion.

Now, I'm not Giorgio Armani -

I'm Alan Partridge -

but my name has become associated with a certain look that I'd define as sports casual.

Yvonne, tell me what you think as we look at a Partridge in Paris!

A. Partridge in Paris - ALAN Partridge in Paris.

The first look is what you'd wear to drive to Paris -

canary yellow shirt, blue stay-creased action slacks,

cap, polaroids, tan driving gloves.

It says, "I'm in control of my vehicle!"

Who's this cool customer?

Ice white shoes, socks with navy double cadet stripe,

shorts, T-shirt with chevron action flash - L'homme du sport!

Man of sport. The tossed pink sweater that says, "I'm in Paris and nothing's going to stop me!"

That's the Eiffel Tower.

The classic English gentleman abroad.

It's David Niven, Stewart Granger, Nigel Havers.

The look - imperial leisure!

Offset the look with those four reliables - hat, cravat, specs,

and, a touch of class, the Alan Partridge blazer badge!

I'll describe the blazer badge.

In the... I'll do it next week.

The place - Champs Elysees. The man - Alan Partridge.

The look - strolling pastel!

A classic summer suit with the omission of long trousers.

A Partridge in Paris!

APPLAUSE

Yvonne, is fashion a necessity of culture or a cultural necessity?

Wait.

LAUGHTER

It appears to be happy hour at Pete and Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse!

Fashion is a necessity of culture. Clothes just cover up our nakedness.

Underneath our clothes, we're all naked. Even Alan.

No, I'm not. LAUGHTER

All we are saying is that under your clothes, you are naked. No, I'm not.

Now, Yvonne, we're about to see some clothes from your menswear collection.

Now, the theme of my collection was sports casual.

Now, bearing in mind that Pete and Berni's is CLOSED,

what's the theme of your collection?

The futility of mortality. Why do I bother?! Bring on the models.

The first model is Tor.

Tor's cap and shorts are made of bandages.

His linen jacket has real surgical stitching.

He also has a little truss on, which is a sort of ironic bum-bag.

Is this man injured? No. The whole collection is based on images of hospitalisation.

You've had an op, you want to look good on the ward...

..that's what you wear. No.

You wear them on the street. He's wearing slippers!

The only man I know who wears slippers outside is called Duggie.

He wanders round Norwich shopping precinct with a Cornish pasty,

shouting, "Get away, it's a bomb!"

He's insane.

Maybe he's sane and we're all mad.

LAUGHTER Anyway, the next model...

..the next one is Newman.

Newman has got a more formal look. That's beautiful, Yvonne. Thank you.

Here, you see, I've broken up the classic lines of the suit with a saline drip on an umbrella...

..and with a pair of brogues, one of which is orthopaedic.

Looks like he's been in a car crash!

The final model is Matt. This plays with ideas of constriction and freedom.

Just as the plaster boots impede, the bandage kilt liberates.

This corn plaster waistcoat - are they used? For goodness' sake!

Don't be so ludicrous!

I'm being told I'm ludicrous by Mrs Whippy-head(!) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's my collection. Yvonne, it's a triumph!

Thank you. Thank you, Nina.

APPLAUSE Sorry, I... Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I've got to ask a couple of questions.

What's round this man's midriff?

It's a blood-bag. What if it bursts?

You mop it up. What with? With the eye-patch.

It's no problem.

I mean, what if your nose bleeds? What if your arm bursts?

LAUGHTER What?

What? What if your arm bursts?

I've heard of a nosebleed, but in my 14 years of professional broadcasting,

including three years as a hospital radio disc jockey,

I've never had anyone say, "My arm's just burst.

"Could you play a dedication?"

You've just got me on here to ridicule the clothes. I'll show you!

You with the orthopaedic shoe... Newman.

Newman, just walk here and walk back.

That man has no dignity! What IS dignity?!

That...THAT is dignity! LAUGHTER

More or less.

No-one will wear these clothes.

They're rubbish!

Ordinary people do not like them. I like them. So do I.

You're not ordinary. You're French!

What are you two staring at? You look like the Steptoe wives.

LAUGHTER

I think you mean the Stepford wives.

I thought you French were good at chatting -

sitting in brasseries, chomping onions and going oh-hi-hon-hi-hon!

You're just being racist. I'm not.

French people go oh-hi-hon-hi-hon. That's a FACT!

We've come to the end of the show.

I've enjoyed it. I'd like to think our two nations are closer than they were at the start of the show.

It simply remains for me to thank my co-host. It's been a pleasure.

Doing anything interesting tonight? I'm too exhausted after last night.

Why's that? I went to the Folies Bergeres.

Oh, so did Glenn Ponder. I was there, too. I was there.

My models were there.

Glenn invited us. The clowns were there.

The CLOWNS?! Yes. Your security guard, Steve, he was there.

No?! He is good friends with the clowns. The band were there, too.

The ba...? You! Accordion man, were you there?

Yeah.

PHILIPPE: Everyone except you, Alan. GLENN...

..why didn't you invite me? I left a message.

I'm going to ask you a question and I want an honest, truthful answer.

Did you leave a message for me last night?

No.

Thank you. Quite honestly, Alan,

I didn't think they'd let you in. There was sign saying "No jeans. No trainers. No sports casual wear!"

Just a joke. Just a joke, huh?

Here's a good joke. There's this bloke called Glenn Ponder.

He's playing jazz synthesiser in a Norwich wine bar! In walks Alan, who gives him a big break.

Glenn gets lippy. Glenn gets the sack!

LAUGHTER

What do you mean? You're sacked!

You are sacked! I'm sacking you!

In fact, it's happened. You are a sacked man! You've BEEN sacked!

I want you off these premises in ten minutes!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, SACKING you, Glenn Ponder!

AH-HAH!

APPLAUSE And...on that bombshell,

it's knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Monsieur Testicle, you, pantomime cow

and you, Ms Oh-hi-hon-hi-hon!

Goodnight, arrivederci and AH-HAH!

BAND STARTS OUTRO MUSIC Not you! Not YOU!

JUST YOU!

SOLO ACCORDION PLAYS