Original subtitles

# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha

# There is nothing we can do

# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha

# We just have to face it This time we're through

# Knowing me, knowing you. #

A-ha!

APPLAUSE

Welcome!

Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You, with me, Alan Partridge.

Tonight, I am a rocket.

Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge,

and enter the stratosphere, or, should I say, the CHATosphere!

Tonight's show is...

Tss! ..hot!

How hot?

Well, imagine Debbie Harry in camiknickers,

spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Pan's People,

in a sauna, in Bangkok.

That's half as hot as tonight's show,

because among my guests I've got the sexiest dance act in Europe,

Hot Pants.

And, for the first time on an English-speaking chat show,

a jacuzzi!

APPLAUSE It's time now to welcome

my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!

THEY PLAY SIGNATURE TUNE

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder. A-ha. A-ha.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Ferrari! A-ha. A-ha.

Glenn, if this show was a train, do you know what kind it'd be? No.

The CHATtanooga Choo-choo!

But seriously... TRAIN WHISTLE

What was that whistle noise?

Meant to be the train, Alan.

You didn't do that in rehearsal. Meant to be a surprise.

Surprise me in rehearsal, Glenn. Don't surprise me on a live television show.

Little bit naughty, that.

Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!

Ooh, this show is hot.

Can really work up a thirst.

My first guest is a singer.

She's 41.

24 years ago,

she was working in a shoe shop in Kansas City.

A man came in and asked for a pair of size eight green platform shoes.

As she slipped them on him, she sang to herself.

He said, "I won't have these. The bridge is too low." Those were his actual words.

"They don't fit, but your beautiful voice fits your face like a slipper.

"I'm going to make you a star."

That man was Neil Sedaka.

He's not doing so well, but she is.

America's biggest sensation, except Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli.

Please welcome Gina Langland!

# Thank you for the music

# The songs I'm singing

# Thanks for all the joy I'm bringing

# Thank you for the music For giving it to me. #

Oh, dear. Got an extra kiss for free, there.

Not that you normally charge.

Now...

Now, Gina, you...

..you can't stay long, cos you're due on stage soon at Earl's Court

for the closing night of your tour.

It's been wonderful, Alec. I had no idea I had so many fans.

Why book Earl's Court? It's massive.

Because it's just a wonderful venue. It is.

They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition.

I, er...

I nearly opened it last year but I was pipped at the post

by Dave Lee Travis...again!

Now, Gina, we've got about four minutes left. Less now, actually.

It would be great if you could stay a bit longer.

I'd love to stay for the whole show, Alec, but I can't.

We don't actually want you to stay for the WHOLE show.

We just want you to stay a little bit longer.

We HAVE got other guests.

We've got Hot Pants. Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!

Now, there's a present I want to give to you, right now.

This is a new regular section of the show called "Alan's Big Pocket".

I put my hand into my big pocket and I produce something I think my guest will like.

So will you now please bring on Alan's Big Pocket!

APPLAUSE

Well, here it is, Alan's Big Pocket.

And as you can see, it's a top jacket pocket.

Let's turn out Alan's Big Pocket and see what's in it.

It's two Victorian dogs!

APPLAUSE

This one's, er...

This is Sherlock Holmes. That's Queen Victoria.

Gina, when I was on the phone to your manager in Los Angeles,

he mentioned that you collect Victorian dogs.

Voila, courtesy of Alan Partridge.

Victorian dolls.

What? I collect Victorian dolls.

Not Victorian dogs.

Well, what ARE Victorian dogs?

I've no idea.

We thought they'd be something like this.

Listen, take them with you in the car to Earl's Court.

If you don't like them, just let them out near the railway.

I can't do that. OK, we'll do it.

Get rid of the dogs. Ladies and gentlemen, two dogs!

APPLAUSE

Sorry, Alec. Alan. It was a lovely thought.

Do you always do Alec's Big Pocket? ALAN's Big Pocket.

Do people stop you in the street and say, "Hey, Alec..." Are you deaf?

I'm sorry?

Yes, people do stop me. Do you know what I do?

To save time - you'll like this - I have this.

It's a stamp with my autograph on it. Ah!

Basically, what I do, they give me a card, like this,

and I simply take the card, and I stamp my signature on.

See? I give them that. That's my name. You read that.

Alec Partridge.

Read what it says. Alec Partridge.

No, it says Alan. ALAN Partridge. Why?

Because that's my name!

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry!

It's OK.

You must have thought I was being so rude, Alec!

Alan!

Alan! Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan

Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan.

My name is Alan Partridge.

That's who I am. There.

Alan Partridge. There's no excuse.

It's the wrong way up. Right. There.

Fine.

Can we sing the song now? Yes.

Before Gina goes, I'd like to ask her one more question.

Gina, do you like Abba? I love Abba.

Would you do a medley with me now?

I couldn't possibly.

Oh, why not, for goodness' sake?

Because...Alan...

# I'm nothing special

# In fact, I'm a bit of a bore... #

No, you're not.

But if I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before.

I don't believe that. You have.

# But I have a talent

# A wonderful thing

# Cos everyone listens when I start to sing

# I'm so grateful and proud

# All I want is to sing it out

# Lou-ou-ou-ou-ou-oud

# Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance take-a-take-a-chance

# If you change your mind

# I'm the first in line

# Honey, I'm still free

# Take a chance on me

# If you need me, let me know

# Gonna be around

# If you've got no place to go

# And you're feeling down

# Take a chance on me... #

That's all I ask, honey!

# Take a chance on me...

# Chiquitita, you and I know

# Can you see the stars, Fernando?

# The winner takes it all

# Mamma mia

# Here I go again

# I have a dream

# Gimme, gimme, gimme

# A man after midnight

# Voulez-vous

A-ha!

# Take it now or leave it A-ha!

# Now is all we get

A-ha!

# Nothing promised, no regrets

Rub-a-dub-a!

# Voulez-vous A-ha!

# Ain't no big decision A-ha!

# You know what to do A-ha!

# I guessed you'll say voulez-vous Rub-a-dub-a!

# Voulez-vous...

# You can dance

# You can jive

# Having the time of your life

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# See that girl

# Watch that scene

# Digging the Dancing Queen

HIGH: # Thank you for the music

# The songs you're singing

# Thanks for all the joy you're bringing

# Who could live without it

# I ask in all honesty

# What would life be

# WITHOUT A SONG OR A DANCE WHAT ARE WE?

# SO I SAY

DOWN AN OCTAVE: # Thank you for the music

# For giving it to me

# Waterloo-oo-oo-oo-oo

# Knowing me, knowing youuuu...

# A-haaaaa... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Aaah. Nice can of Spunt, there.

Now...

Schnell! Schnell! Achtung! Sieg heil! Jawohl!

Those are just some of the comments shouted at my next guest

at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

Why? Because she won gold for Britain

in the 4 x 100m women's hurdles relay.

She doesn't run any more - she's 78.

Please welcome the Linford Christie of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan!

APPLAUSE

# The winner takes it all

# The winner takes it all... #

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Elsie Morgan. A-ha.

No, you wait till I've said it.

A-ha. A-ha. That's right.

The 1936 Berlin Olympics.

What did it feel like to run past the finishing line,

knowing you'd just beaten the German and won gold for Britain?

Thrilling, because we'd stitched up the Krauts. Lovely. Lovely.

Is it true things were better in the olden days?

Immediately after the war it was marvellous,

because we had completely stitched up the Krauts.

But then, after that, everything got very much worse,

and there was a lot of immigration...and, inevitably, crime went up.

Right, um... There must have been some positive things.

I'll tell you a story. Please do.

I brought my car in last week and parked it on one of those meters.

I went into Debenhams and came out very quickly.

There was an awful man writing me a parking ticket.

I said,

"Is it reasonable to give me a parking ticket for two minutes?"

After a while he saw sense, admitted it was a bit silly and let me off.

Good for him. But after I got home, I thought, "That man let me break the law."

He shouldn't have done that. No.

So I rang his employers and told them what happened.

Later on they rang me back and I was delighted to hear they'd dismissed him.

Good riddance!

Particularly as he was black. Er...

Right, um...

Tell us about sport. They don't play by our rules.

Right, shut up.

You can't say those things on TV any more. Why not?

Shut it! ..Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

APPLAUSE

Now, Elsie.

I've got a surprise for you,

because it's time, once again, to dip into Alan's Big Pocket!

And...it's a pocket full of emotion.

Tonight, we reunite Britain's hurdling golden girls of 1936.

They haven't met for over 50 years.

Sadly, Lindsay Farrow is no longer with us, but the other two are.

Please come out of my Big Pocket,

Anne Wylie and Georgina Clark!

APPLAUSE

Please, sit down.

Marvellous.

Let's talk about the race. 1936.

In those days, how did you cope with the pressure?

I used to sing in the dressing room. Yes! You did!

"We'll Gather Lilacs." Yes. Probably a forgotten memory now. Oh, no!

# We'll gather lilacs

# In the spring again

# And walk together down an English lane

# When you come home once m-o-o-ore

# And in the evening in the twilight glow

# I'll hold you close and never let you go-o-o-o... #

Marvellous. THEY ALL START TO SING No...

All right. No. OK. Yeah.

# ..And walk together... #

Marvellous! Give them a round of applause!

Marvellous! Lovely! Lovely! Great!

That was... That was lovely.

Well, at...this stage of the show, some of my viewers may be thinking,

"Alan! You're a liar!"

You said this would be hot and you're chatting to senior citizens.

But,

if I said I'll jump into a Tardis, go back in time and recreate the Berlin Olympics with the old women,

you'd say, "That IS hot. We were wrong."

That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Ladies, will you now please join me in my 1-6 scale Berlin Olympic Stadium?

BAND PLAYS: "Deutschland Uber Alles"

You join us live at the Berlin Olympics on Grandstand in 1936,

on this pleasant summer's morning, in Nazi Germany.

Everyone's here. Hitler's in a box.

Jesse Owens just waved at him. He doesn't like that.

And we wait for the race to start. I'll fire a gun.

It's loud. Don't let it worry you.

On your marks, get set...

She's off!

It's Anne Wylie, fast as a bullet from a Luger.

The first hurdle. She's cleared it!

She's clear, landing like a tom cat!

Off again,

and hands the baton to Lindsay Farrow, sadly no longer with us.

She's represented by a cardboard cutout.

It's a clean pass.

Let's see what you're made of, Georgie girl!

Kick that, love.

Oh, dear! The hurdle has fallen!

It's down to Elsie! Can she do it?

And she has! She's won the gold! CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, the hurdlers of '36!

APPLAUSE

I have an announcement to make.

Last week, I had naked sex with the Home Secretary,

and I want to sell my story.

Of course I haven't!

But if I had, who would I go to?

I'd go to my next guest,

because he is a high-profile agent and publicist for celebrities

and, for want of a better word, harlots.

Please welcome the man Virginia Bottomley called "that little turd",

Lawrence Knowles!

# Money, money, money

# Must be funny

# In a rich man's world

# Money, money, money

# Always sunny

# It's a rich man's world. #

Lawrence.

You are the man they love to hate.

I prefer to think I'm the man they hate to love.

But you're not.

You're not. You are the man they love to hate.

Well, that's very amusing, Alan, and some of your audience found it amusing, too.

But...

..there is a positive side to what I do.

I often help various celebrities - for example,

a celebrity who comes to me and says,

"Lawrence, I am a practising homosexual,

"and I want to keep this delicate matter private."

Very wise. LAUGHTER

I would then ensure that this homosexual VIP

was seen in a heterosexual context. Such as?

A pub.

A fast car. A football match. Right.

You don't mean George Best?

LAUGHTER

No, George is as straight as the passes he used to make to Bobby Charlton.

Who, by the way, is also not a homosexual.

Right.

But what if someone comes and says,

"Lawrence, I..." - how can I put it - "I play for both sides."

"I play for...

"..Manchester United and Manchester City."

"I'm Denis Law."

I don't understand.

I'm bisexual. YOU are? No, Denis Law.

No, not Denis Law! No, God! No!

Sorry, Denis.

If you're watching, let's go for a drink some time.

As friends.

Actually, no. Let's call it off. I'll just go home to my wife.

I must say,

I'm looking forward to seeing Hot Pants later.

Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!

Now, very recently you have been involved in a massive royal scandal

in which you've obtained photographs of the royal family

taken from hidden cameras, and you've published these in a book?

This book is in no way scandalous or salacious.

The book, Her Majesty's Pleasure,

is being published purely in the public interest.

You say that, but this is outrageous.

To print a picture of the queen flossing her teeth!

Believe me, Alan, I obtained some photos that were frankly unpublishable.

And are they in the book? Yes they are.

OK. We've sat, we've listened to you present yourself with eloquence,

as a defender of the public interest.

But...ladies and gentlemen, Lawrence has unwittingly stumbled into a new section of my show -

called "Eat Your Own Medicine".

Lawrence,

for four weeks you've been under surveillance by our snoopers.

This is what we discovered. Show the clip.

'This is a disabled parking space.

'Who's this parking in it?

'It's a big Jaguar containing able-bodied Lawrence Knowles.

'Quite a nice car, that.

'There. You get out of the car, look round,

'little pick of the nose...

'It's a good 'un! Pop it in the mouth.'

'Here you are again, emerging from an anonymous-looking black door.

'Another treat for Lawrence Knowles.

'You certainly keep your nose clean!

'What's going on behind the door? I'll tell you.'

Dermatology. Come on, Alan, this is pathetic. Ludicrous. Is it?

Is it as ludicrous as a man with such a hairy back

that he visits a dermatologist to have his unsightly, innumerable hairs removed?

Bring on my Big Pocket now!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it requires 30 feet of industrial waxing tape

to depilate Lawrence's back. But don't take my word for it.

Let's hear it from the back-waxer's mouth.

Please come out, Lawrence Knowles's dermatologist, Clive Sealey!

APPLAUSE

Clive!

Clive, just how hairy

is Lawrence's back? It's VERY hairy, Alan.

This is the amount of hair on an averagely-haired back,

and this...

This is from the last session with Lawrence.

It's enough to cover 12 small children.

Now, the Knowles back

is surely his Achilles heel.

How deep are the scars?

During the sessions, he's told me names he was called at school.

What are they?

Um... Wolfman...

..Monkey Boy, Godzilla, King Kong...

Human Carpet? Yes. Yes.

Gus the Gorilla... In the office,

we had a bit of fun and came up with a list of potential nicknames.

Quickly -

Kiwi Fruit,

Moth Banquet - quite an interesting one -

Furball XL5...

..Billy Furry - Billy Fury with a new pronunciation, that's mine...

Brian Furry, that's another one of mine, Brian Ferry,

and, of course, Hairy Krishna.

Marvellous.

Lawrence? You'll be hearing from my solicitor.

Ooh - bit prickly. Or should I say hairy?!

Lawrence Knowles and Clive Sealey.

APPLAUSE

Hi!

Hi! I'm in Alan's Big Pocket. Why?

I'm getting undressed.

I'm doing it because Hot Pants are about to raise the roof off TV Centre with their lovely legs.

Then they'll join me in the jacuzzi.

Glenn, have you seen them? No, but I'm looking forward to it! Tss!

Glenn, that is my noise! Get your own sound!

Move the pocket!

Yes, I am in a jacuzzi, sipping Spunt!

It's almost as if I'm in an advert.

But of course, I'm not. I'm not in an advert.

It remains for me to thank my guests

and welcome on the four gorgeous figures that fill...

Tss! ..Hot Pants!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

They're men! They're men!

On that bombshell, good night! A-ha!

Spunt! Spunt!