Original subtitles

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Ah-ha

# There is nothing we can do

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Ah-ha

# We just have to face it, this time we're through

# Knowing me, knowing you! #

Ah-ha!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Knowing me, knowing you! #

Welcome!

Welcome to... Shh!

Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You.

It's a chat-show, but not as we know it. DRUM ROLL

Well, it's official. This show is a smash hit sensation.

A corking copper-bottomed hit.

Those are the words of Mike Taylor from TV Quick.

Of course,

there have been dissenters - the clever-clog papers -

Independent, Guardian, Observer... They've been a bit sniffy.

One review caught my eye. The Times called this show "moribund"!

I looked up "moribund" in my dictionary.

It said "Moribund - adjective meaning about to die."

I ask you - is this show about to die?!

AUDIENCE: NO!

Thank you. So, Mr Philip Parsons from "behind The Times"... DRUM ROLL

..that proves that you are wrong.

The show is very much alive... AND live!

Tonight, I will be bringing you another TV chat show first,

as I, Alan Partridge, let myself be strapped to a spinning wheel of death and have knives thrown at me.

Is that moribund? No!

No, you don't shout that.

So please welcome my un-moribund "merry band", my house band -

Glenn Ponder and Debonair!

# Knowing me, knowing you. #

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-ha!

Ah-ha!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Debonair, ah-ha!

Ah-ha!

Glenn, you're looking for a new house. Yes.

I bought a house in Mayfair for £500. Really, Alan?

Yes, I was playing Monopoly! DRUM ROLL

Er...but seriously, Glenn, you ARE looking for somewhere. Yeah.

Whereabouts? Chiswick area.

Yeah, Chiswick...nice...nice. Glenn Ponder and Debonair!

BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

Was that chap moribund? I don't think so.

Now, my first guest is intelligent, witty, a woman of the world,

with a figure to stop traffic dead on the M1 if she wiggled across the footbridge at Toddington services.

She's a quality guest from top to bottom and back up again.

Please welcome the new agony aunt from Playboy magazine, stay tuned,

the very lovely Daniella Forest.

# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight

# Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away

# Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight... #

Ah!

Isn't she...isn't...

..isn't she lovely?

Phew-phwoo!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Daniella Forest, ah-ha!

Ah-ha!

Ooh! That's the sexiest "ah-ha" I've ever had!

I almost forgot, I normally kiss my guests when they first come on...

Not the men. I give them a firm handshake.

Can we do the kiss quickly?

Sure! Where do you want to kiss me? Peachy cheek or little round mouth?

Little round mouth.

Come on, then. Right.

Are you going to kneel down? Yes.

Right down.

Pop back in your seat. Er...yes. Er...right.

Now, D...Daniella Forest, you are Playboy's agony aunt,

and you've just published your autobiography... Luck Be A Lady.

It's published by Jones, never heard of them...

What comes across very strongly

is your understanding of male psychology.

Well, I think I understand men because I adore them.

And WHAT, as a woman, do you look for in a man?

Power is attractive...sensitivity...

Mmm.

..sense of humour...

I like a man who knows who he is.

I'm Alan Partridge. Carry on.

You know, I think...

..the most important thing I look for is a fit young body like a Greek god.

Right.

Now, you also...

..help people with sexual problems.

Let's have a hypothetical problem.

There's a couple.

They've been married 15 years, maybe more and...

..neither of them has slept with anyone else. He's frustrated?

Deeply, deeply. But that's only part of the problem.

Their sex life is... for want of a better word, moribund.

Well, people need to explore their sex lives.

If it's not working in the bedroom, bring it into the lounge or kitchen.

They tried that but the dog just wandered in.

Yes, but you see...some people find it very sexy to be watched.

Not by the dog!

Montgomery was frightened. He was just barking.

Who's Montgomery?

The man who masterminded the battle of El Alamein...

..and the name of this dog. Have you got a dog?

Yes. And what's his name?

Rommel.

Once again, here is a man shying away from discussing sex. When I was a man, I had the same problem.

As a woman, I am liberated.

Well, I'm pleased for you... Hang on a minute!

WHO was a man? When I was a man.

What are you talking about? You have read my book? Yes.

No, I never read the books.

Who was a man? Who did you think Daniel was?

I thought it was your twin brother.

I was Daniel. I used to be a man.

I can't believe you didn't know! I KISSED you!

Why did you invite me on your show?

I found you sexy! I could knock your block off! I'm a woman with breasts!

You should be in a circus!

Well, you'd be in the front row.

There she goes...there HE goes, I should say. What do you want?

No! No!

Ah-ha!

I knew there was something dodgy about you.

Your hands are a giveaway. Great big flapping hands like a bloke.

You could be a goalkeeper!

Glenn, did you know it was a man? Yeah.

Debonair, did you know it was a man? ALL: Yeah.

Everyone except muggins Partridge!

Ladies and gentlemen, Dan "the man" Forest.

Thanks.

It's er...time now for a new regular feature of the series -

"Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, ANOTHER Alan Partridge".

I meet a member of the public who shares my name and therefore can join that exclusive club -

Club Alan Partridge.

This week's Alan Partridge works on a Sealink ferry!

Please welcome Petty Officer Alan Partridge!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Petty Officer Partridge. Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

You work on the Sealink ferry from Liverpool to Dublin

and I imagine that's the sort of job where there's a lot of camaraderie

between the...between... Is that the case?

Why do you keep doing that?

That with your face? I've got a facial tic.

I'm sorry. I had no idea. It's OK. I've had it since I was a kid.

Now, Alan Partridge, I imagine your workmates josh with you. Is that the case?

They call me Tick-tock. Why? Cos of me tic.

No, God, no! No, I mean because your name's Alan Partridge. Oh, no.

What you do with your face is your choice. It's fine. Oh, there it is again!

I want to present you with this now. It's the Alan Partridge tie...

Oh, that was a big one! The Alan Partridge...

..tie and blazer badge combination pack.

There you go. You take that. I'll put the tie on,

if I can keep me 'ead still! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

What a marvellous sense of humour!

Oh, there's... What a triumph of the human spirit!

Ladies and gentlemen...

..ALAN PARTRIDGE! Go on, go!

APPLAUSE

Thanks now! Go! Go!

Last night, I met a man who quite literally changed my life.

He made me think, laugh and cry in wonderment.

I witnessed his mystical powers at the London Palladium.

Welcome hypnotist, Tony Le Mesmer!

Ladies and gentlemen. Enter the mysterious domain

of Tony Le Mesmer.

Behold the cage of Kathmandu.

The void of solitude.

The dance of Diabolos!

The shroud.

The forces turn upon their axes.

The summoning of the spirits of Telemachus.

Marvellous! Marvellous! Tony, how did you do that?

Simple. The power of the paranormal.

It's not a lever or anything. No.

You tell us about it now. Tina, see you later for the wheel of death.

Very nice!

Now that IS a woman!

OK, Tony.

Tony Le Mesmer!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Tony Le Mesmer. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.

Buddha...the Dalai Lama... Nostradamus...

..that man The Beatles went to see,

Uri Geller, and now...

..Tony Le Mesmer.

What is it about you lot that sets you apart

from mere mortal men like me, Alan Partridge?

We are all shamen on a spiritual quest.

And we travel on this journey using the energy of the life force.

I'm gonna pin you down. Can you be more specific?

I am a man who harnesses the harmony within us all.

No, that's more vague.

I want you to be more specific. OK, Alan.

I'm interested in dreams.

Right, now you're being interesting.

Because I often have a recurring dream in which I am an owl. As an owl, how do you feel different?

Smaller.

More agile, able to fly. Able to fly!

Perhaps you want freedom.

What else? Now, I can rotate my head 360 degrees!

It's a real boon when you're driving cos it eliminates the blind spot.

Anything else you can do?

Yes. I can emit pellets.

Can't help you there. Sorry. No?

Oh, well. If anyone can shed light on why Alan Partridge might want to emit pellets as an owl,

drop a line to the usual address and mark your envelope "pellets".

We're gonna have a bit of fun now because, Tony,

you are going to hypnotise me. Yes.

Ok, this may take a few minutes so don't...worry...

..if it takes some...time... Five, four, three, two, one.

Alan Partridge is now totally hypnotised and in my control.

Is that so, Alan? Yes.

Let's put it to the test. Alan, when I say the word, "owl",

I want you to be that owl emitting a pellet and feeling happy with yourself. Owl.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Excellent. When you hear the word "ah-ha", I want you to be a scary monster. Ah-ha!

Grrrrr!

Very good. Stop. If you could make love to any woman,

except your wife, who would it be?

Ursula Andress.

OK, when I click my fingers, I want you to see me as Ursula Andress.

Ursula! I've always wanted to meet you. I can't believe it. The bikini's very nice!

I love all your films, all of them - Dr No through to...all the others.

Enough! Is there anywhere we can go and make mad, passionate love?

Er...God, yes. Er... The Moathouse Hotel in High Wycombe.

Er...they know me there. They're very discreet.

You'll love it. It's got a 24-hour carvery.

Stop.

Alan, when I click my fingers again,

we'll be on the way to High Wycombe.

It only takes 15 to 20 minutes.

Can we pull over now and make love? Not on the motorway. That's illegal.

But Alan, I'm begging you, please!

It's an offence to stop on the hard shoulder unless there's a malfunction.

I'm taking my top off! Look...

..if I get caught in flagrante while violating the highway code,

my wife will find out and I'll get three points on my license.

That's not gonna happen. Now put your top on and get out!

Go, go! Get out! Wake up.

As I say, it'll take a few seconds before I'm hypnotised...

It's all over. You've hypnotised me? I hope I didn't look too foolish.

Of course you didn't, Alan.

Tony, see you later for the Wheel of Death. Just to say thank you very much,

Tony Le Mesmer!

Now, Hollywood is much, much more than nine big letters on a hill.

It's...it's a sexy, dangerous place. A hustlin', wheelin', dealin' town,

where money talks and nonsense walks.

I've never been there but my next guests have.

They are a British married couple of actors who live and work in Tinseltown Stateside.

I want to get to know them. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!

Please welcome, Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont!

# Love me or leave me

# Make your choice and believe me

# And I do

# I do, I do, I do, I do, I do... #

Ah! Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you,

Tania Beaumont, ah-ha! Grrr!

Ah-ha.

Grrr!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Gary Barker, ah-ha! Grrr!

Ah-ha.

Grrr!

You wanted to make a statement. This is your platform.

Please, be my guests.

As you know, there is speculation in the press about our marriage...

I had that treatment myself. You know Philip Parsons? He called the show "moribund"!

You know?

Philip Parsons, in five minutes, I will be tied to a wheel of death,

and you will have a plate with some words on it and a knife and fork.

Sorry, Tania.

Well... I mean...

..you're gonna eat your words!

Sorry, Tania.

We just want to say to the tabloids we're very much married.

There's a lot of real news out there - poverty, homelessness.

Please, report that. Leave us alone. We're just ordinary people who make movies.

Lovely! Lovely, er...

Gary, do you want to add anything?

No, er...yeah.

Are you all right? I'm just wondering

about the glasses. You've not got a stye?

No.

Er...Tania... Sorry, is he wearing those to look cool?

Yes, he is. Gary, like the glasses. Where d'you get them?

Auction. They were James Dean's. He died in them.

Really? They look quite small. No wonder he lost control of the car!

No?

You've just flown in from Hollywood. What's it like to be back in London?

It's a relief to be amongst ordinary people. Where's that? The Savoy.

Marvellous. Who's paying? You are.

Really? Are we...? Is that true? Are we paying? Yes!

Yes, we are. Enjoy yourselves. Just easy on the room service.

Chicken in a basket. That's your lot. No, seriously,

have a drink, just don't go mad.

Some people, they empty the mini-bar into a carrier bag. That's not on.

Er...you...you are known as the wild man of Hollywood.

Some of the wild things you've done. I've got some here. Gary sawed the head off Warren Beatty's Oscar!

He drove a Harley-Davidson motorbike into Bruce Willis's patio doors...

What else have you done? Punched Angela Lansbury.

Yeah, that was nasty. It was nasty.

It says you also threw Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat!

Other way round.

You threw a cat at Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle?

No. I threw a kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat. That's what I said. No.

You said Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle. I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.

It wasn't Whoopi Goldberg's kettle. Right. It was Whoopi Goldberg's cat.

So whose copper kettle was it?

Angela Lansbury's

Tania, has he ever thrown a kettle at you?

No, it's one of the few things he's never thrown at me. Really? Joke. OK.

"Tania's breasts." Sorry!

That's just my notes.

Sorry.

You're one of those great actresses who, if the role demands it,

you're quite prepared to expose yourself.

I'm glad you value my acting so highly. I do!

Your name is a seal of quality.

It says, "See the film, lads. You won't go home empty-handed."

I really think that my films are more than just titillation.

Mmm!

I can only suggest that if you wish to go and see Tania's unexpurgated adult breast show,

that you pop down to the local cinema...or marry her!

That's no guarantee.

Gary, we hear that you used to be a mobile office equipment maintenance engineer.

Yeah, briefly.

Three years. Got the sack. No, you're lying!

You were awarded maintenance engineer of the month! Well done!

I've got a broken photocopier at my office in Norwich. Can you fix that?

You think I'm going to Norwich to do that?!

There's no need! Because Mohammed...

..Mohammed has...Mohammed has moved the mountain to you!

It's not a mountain. It's a photocopier.

Although, it was driven here in an Astramax by a man called Mohammed.

Please bring on the broken photocopier!

We've got the photocopier. Will you rise to Alan's challenge and mend it?

No.

Do you want him to mend it? AUDIENCE: YES!

You can't do it! Course I can.

I don't believe you. What model is it? Z-60.

Mono- or multi-feed? Mono. Easy. Prove it.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

It hasn't been reset after a paper jam. Really?

That's interesting. Where d'you put your paper clips? Just around.

Yeah. They get lost. Stick 'em there.

But what happens... How will they stay?

Magnetic. That's interesting! Nice feature.

Worth knowing. Yeah.

Nice machine. Should have no trouble. I don't do that shit any more!

Oh, look, he's mended it! Whoa! What a dude!

Ladies and gentlemen, Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont!

The wheel has turned full circle for Tania and Gary and now it must turn for me. The wheel of death.

At the beginning of the show, I said I would have knives thrown at me,

to prove that my show - I own the copyright - is not moribund.

A lesser man - Michael Aspel - would walk away from a wheel of death saying, "It's too dangerous."

I, however, embrace the wheel, saying, "Come daggers. You may pierce my flesh.

"But you will not stem my chat. Of that, there's no doubt."

Please welcome back magic man, Tony Le Mesmer and Tina!

Every evening, in my show at the Palladium, which runs until the end of this month,

I get a member of the audience on stage and ask them

to overcome their fears on the wheel of death.

Tonight, Alan is that person. How do you feel?

Confident. I am risking my life for chat. Oh, and Philip Parsons!

Get a knife and fork and a plate, put your words on that plate,

add a bit of humble pie and eat it!

Right. Commence spinning...

..the wheel of death!

As the wheel of death spins inexorably,

Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash the deadly daggers of Damazon.

I've changed my mind. Sorry! Drum roll!

There isn't time. We'll do it next week!

Stop! PLEASE!

This is madness!

Don't, you stupid man!

God! No!

Philip Parsons, you're right. The show IS moribund! Please!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I've done it! I've done it!

On that bombshell, it's time for me to say

knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, freak woman/man,

knowing you, the slut actress and Mr Floppy, the actor,

and knowing you, Mr Loony Man with the knives. Goodnight and ah-ha! Grrr!

Subtitles by David Padmore BBC - 1994

Can you get me off the wheel now?

I've done it!

Can we get one of the researchers? That Naomi!

Get me off. Is Naomi there?

Tell her to come and get me off.

It's over now.

My trousers are wet!