Original subtitles

Could any of you do any impressions?

I used to do Dame Edna Everage.

No, no, no! But I haven't done it for ten years.

I don't know if I could do it now, it would probably sound awful.

Can you do one? Only a few.

Only a few!

Oh, only a few!

I can do Kenneth Williams. Go on, then.

(AS KENNETH WILLIAMS) Ooh, matron, no!

Oh, no! Stop it! Oh, no!

Impressions are sometimes funny,

because it's a caricature, an exaggerated movement of ourselves.

But it depends who does it. 90 per cent of times, it's not good.

Like when I do an impression of someone, it's really bad.

Like doing David Beckham.

(AS BECKHAM) It's you know, like that.

Kind of a geezer, south London, innit!

(WELSH ACCENT) I'm afraid I can't do an impression of Naomi Campbell.

That one. Just like that, just like that!

Just like that! (WHINNIES)

No, I can't do an impression of Kate Moss, either. I'm sorry.

Do another just like that, shall I? (LAUGHS)

Just like that!

Just like that, just like that! (LAUGHS)

What I hate is when people do that bloody Taxi Driver, Robert De Niro.

(AS DE NIRO) You talkin' to me?

Shut up! It's so overdone, it's unbelievable!

This is Robert De Niro... as a New York cop.

(AS DE NIRO) Uh, give me one donut,

two coffees...

(SNIGGERS) OK, make that heavy on the mayo.

I could do a Scouser.

I think Julia Roberts would be...

..quite an American voice.

(AS JULIA ROBERTS) Howdy!

How are you today? How are things going?

That would be my impression of Julia Roberts.

(LAUGHS)

(STUTTERS)

I always laugh at the bloody...

(BOTH BAA)

All that sort of thing, yeah. Ooh, aye.

Um...

..kippers, they're good.

And I think they sound like this:

(SPLUTTERS)

Well, then there's a bloody chicken.

(MIMICS CHICKEN)

A chicken is one of my best.

I don't know why I'm so good at it, and I ain't bragging,

but I am good at doing it. It's like this:

(CLUCKS REPEATEDLY)

I don't really do animal sounds or anything like that.

I've got the wife to do all that, see.

Eh?

(CLUCKS REPEATEDLY)

Come on, have a go. Do a goldfish. A what?

(MIMICS GOLDFISH) I can do one, I suppose.

Don't think you're kissing me like that.

You'll have another think coming.

(THEY BOTH CLUCK)

It's just the faces you're making when you're doing it.

It's hard not to make a face when you do a chicken. (CLUCKS)

I do a pig.

(OINKS)

(SNORTS)

(SNARLS)

Can you pass me a tissue, my nose is covered!

Quick!

(LAUGHS)

A flamingo.

A cockatoo.

Aye, aye!

A cockatoo or a cockatiel? What's the difference?

A cockatoo...

Animal Magic. What was the guy called?

ALL: Johnny Morris.

I remember that. Oh, he was good.

He did all the impressions.

Was that a cockatoo? Or a cockatiel?

Cockatiel. It wasn't, it was cockatoo, man.

Cockatoo.

We're going for cockatoo on that one.

Cockatoo. Not Cockatiel. Yeah, I'll go along that line.

Starlings.

Eeee, well, you never know! I nearly said starlings.

No one likes starlings.

I like starlings. Nobody likes them.

I can do a cuckoo. (MIMICS CUCKOO)

I can do one of them! (MIMICS CUCKOO)

Can you do a cuckoo? (MOUTHS)

(MIMICS CUCKOO)

I've never really tried animal sounds, have you?

(MIMICS CUCKOO)

Why do people do impressions?

I suppose some people have got a gift for doing it.

They find it strange... to do an impression of somebody...

..that they can copy so well.

And I think it's funny, isn't it? That's why.

I used to be able to... impersonate people,

and I'm trying to think who the hell it was, cos I can't remember.

Try doing an owl.

As long as it ain't too long.

(MIMICS OWL)

That's not bad actually, not bad. But owls don't do that.

(OWL HOOTS)

(WHISTLES)

(WHISTLES)

They go... Like that, don't they?

Somebody's trying to send me a signal or something.

Yes, it's not very...

Cos everything is quiet and I hear that and I don't like it.

I like the sound of that.

The one you are listening to is (MIMICS PIGEON)... The pigeon.

Oh, Frank Spencer.

(AS FRANK SPENCER) Oooh, Betty, I'm having trouble!

The cat's just done a whoopsies in my beret!

I can do Frank Spencer.

I can do Victor Meldrew as well. But I haven't done him for a long while.

Go on. BOTH AS MELDREW: I don't believe it!

What the bloody hell do you think this is?

God's sake! I don't bloody believe it!

That sounds like a bisexual Victor Meldrew.

Well, he is, isn't he?

Is he? Yeah!

I don't believe it!

(LAUGHS)

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(SCREAMS REPEATEDLY)

The neighbours must say...they must say,

"Them poor things have gone round the bend!"

There'll be an ambulance arriving soon!

They'll take us away!

(LAUGHS)

His impressions are sometimes quite cruel. I don't like them.

Hiya!

(GIGGLES)

He's being stupid now.

That won't be used on the thing, will it?

HOOVES CLIP-CLOP

(CUCKOOS)

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