Original subtitles

I like seeing friends, and just sort of...taking it easy.

And er...

just sort of er... being comfortable,

but not extravagant.

I like eating, drinking and being merry, really.

There's that as well.

SLEIGH BELLS

RIBBIT RIBBIT!

CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!

CHIRP!

WOOF WOOF!

OINK!

MOO!

Christmas is celebrating something to do with God, yeah?

But then again, do you believe in God? You know.

A lot of people don't, but still celebrate Christmas.

All goes round that sort of thing.

So I think Christmas is a time where people just goes mad

buying people gifts and stuff like that.

CHILD: Christmas is...

Jesus's birthday, I think,

but I think... it's not the exact date.

I think something else happened on that date, but I'm not exactly sure.

Christmas...

I love... (GIGGLES MISCHIEVOUSLY)

I go everywhere at Christmastime with my mistletoe attached to my glasses!

And then I can kiss all the chaps that I come in contact with.

I managed to get the caretaker... Well, I didn't catch him because I had my mistletoe on,

and he was in the car park and I went up to him...

and I showed him my mistletoe and he ran! And he's a really fast runner and I couldn't catch him.

(CHUCKLES HEARTILY)

It's just the excitement...

The excitement of actually er... You know.

Still get a thrill out of it after all these years.

Brings me back to my childhood.

As I get older I like hearing Christmas carols, that's nice,

but if it's cold at Christmas and there's snow on the ground, that's lovely.

CHILD: # Jingle bells

# Jingle bells, jingle all the wa-a-ay

# So much fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh

So...!

# Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh... #

I love dressing up. I love dressing up for Christmas, yeah.

The flashing earrings, and... all the tacky stuff, you know?

BELLS JINGLE

I just like the atmosphere, and seeing the kids' faces... Yeah.

Always liked it.

So... # Jingle bells, Batman smells

# Robin flew away...

Oh.

# Da-da-da, da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da, da-da-daaa #

I used to love it when I was a kid,

but I've been a bit busy these past couple of years

so I've not really noticed it. It's just flown by and it's been gone.

And the telly's so absolutely appalling.

I feel really awful for saying that cos I'm not miserable.

Christmas Eve, we get off early. So...

I'll run around all these mad places...

Sometimes you get jealous

that everyone else is still wrapped up in their beds

and you're freezing cold, but it's got its compensations.

Being appreciated, that's actually...

That's the nicest part, when you are appreciated.

I think it should go back to the way it was, like the old pagan days, Christmas.

Celebrating nature - just sit down with a big plate of organic food.

Midwinter's feast on winter solstice.

She makes a marvellous cook... She makes a big turkey, or chicken.

There's a variety of pork as well.

Little sausages wrapped in bacon.

Little prawn cocktails to start off with.

I don't really enjoy a proper Christmas meal.

I used to like a nice bit of turkey and stuffing

and spuds and all the vegetables, but...

it's just salad and spuds for me now, I'm afraid.

Trifle. That's always good.

I'm always starving. So that's really what Christmas, I suppose, means to us.

There's always an argument, isn't there,

and sometimes even the turkey ends up on the wall.

I think even if you hate turkey, you've got to have it at Christmas.

I think it's the law.

It's delicious, turkey.

Turkey butties, a bit of stuffing on it...

You can't beat it, mate. You cannot beat it.

A bit of cranberry sauce on mine. No.

You can't beat that.

I do feel I'm being pulled in all directions,

erm...

They're all going to get a piece of me.

And so we had the normal sort of... you know, luncheon,

and then sort of all sat around playing a few games.

We had this great room - cos we've actually moved since -

but it was a converted barn.

And it was just one massive old stone barn

with a snooker table in it.

(LAUGHS)

It turned out to be a bit of a party, which er...

Less of the sort of family stuff, more of the...

"Let's have a great old time."

When I'm closing my eyes I go,

"One reindeer, two reindeer,

three reindeer..."

I count them.

And that's what makes me go to sleep.

It's best if you're a kid, cos then you ask for something

like the new underwater er...man

with the special er...

tanks on his back and the flippers,

and instead of that you get this big chemistry set, and you're six years old

and you've got 50 test tubes full of chemicals to play with.

And you look at it and you go, "Oh."

"Thanks."

As far as exchanging presents goes, I've given up on that idea.

I think people get more stupid with their money at Christmas.

You know, the amount of stuff people buy...

I think they buy it just for the sake of it.

They don't actually think, "This is useful," you know what I mean?

You can get like a stocking...

Like a selection box,

but a selection stocking for pets.

Well, that's different than sending your cat a card, isn't it?

Cos what can a cat do with a Christmas card?

(SIGHS LAZILY)

Yeah. Can imagine a farmer sending a card to his herd.

"For the cow at Christmas..." (!)

Yeah. Not to be confused with the wife, or anything.

I'm obviously not crazy with my presents.

But one thing that I always, always give

- it's the best present, cos I was given it myself -

that was my fondue set. The best present in the world.

Great. Yeah.

It's nice giving things.

I came across an old saying... I love old sayings, they last because they're true.

"The grasping hand is never full.

To be full, the hand has to give."

The only thing I ever got given to me cos I didn't want to buy it

was a pair of Y-fronts.

Well, it wasn't a Christmas present.

But I can certainly give it to someone for a Christmas present!

If you think it's tough for us, imagine what it's like for Santa.

How many billions of people does he have to deliver to?

And he does it in about four hours. So he's a pretty cool guy.

And the size of him -

with his big fat belly, I don't know how he does it.

(LAUGHS) Brilliant.

# Jingle Bells

I had one of my most startling, not scary experiences ever,

I actually bumped into - you mentioned a reindeer -

a deer or a reindeer or a big animal.

It scared me, I scared it, we scared each other.

Boom! Completely dark apart from the light from the stars.

CAMP MALE: People say to you, "It must be tough having to work all Christmas."

That is the sort of peak time.

And you can use all your different skills, your comedy...

Your timing...

Happy birthday, Santa!

Ha-ha. Happy birthday...

Jesus.

Happy Christmas, everybody.

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