Original subtitles

SQUAWK!

I love this environment. I mean, it's great fun.

The one thing everybody has in common when they walk through that door is they love their animals.

CHIRP!

WOOF! WOOF!

OINK!

MOO!

Most pet shops are quite loud because they have birds in them.

They're always sort of singing, if you can call it singing.

Um... And there's lots of cages.

Um... And sometimes if you... you can put your finger through the bar

and tickle whatever's inside, like a rabbit.

At the end of the day, most of it's the ooh-factor, the ah-factor.

It's, "Ah, look at that," you know. "Cute little kitten."

It's awful to think that we're sitting there,

waiting for somebody to pluck us out of...out of the air

and take us home and keep us for ever.

Um... At the same time, I'm never brave enough to make the first move

and go up to somebody and say, "Right, you.

How about taking me home and looking after me, loving me and cherishing me?"

I think...yeah. Go for things that are obvious.

Dogs and cats, and the like.

There's all sorts of people. They have things in their bathrooms.

Alligators, and that sort of thing.

Wouldn't have it in my bathroom, I can say. Ha!

No, I wouldn't.

He's called Chester,

and he is very long when he stretches himself out.

If you annoy him, his eyes sort of widen a bit.

I don't think I'm awful-looking. I think I'm alright-looking.

Um... People always say that I've got very open, honest eyes.

So I think I'd be pretty nice to have around,

and have hanging about the place on the sofa.

I don't know.

A lot of old nonsense, I think, really.

I mean, you need to spend proper amounts of money on things but...

You see some of these dogs that people have about.

No, you don't need to spend a lot.

Dog toys? They love running and fetching things.

We've got balls on ropes. Lots of dogs, especially the smaller dog,

like a Yorkshire terrier, likes a - (BALL SQUEAKS) - squeaky toy.

SQUEAK! That's a high-pitched one.

Or just for a laugh, we've got ones that'll go...

BOIIIIIING!

We went to a friend's last weekend and...

this poor little hamster's in this wheel-thing.

It had a little car. It was a Volkswagen Beetle

with a wheel in the middle.

It actually, by working the wheel...

..moved across the carpet.

Poor old hamsters running round on a wheel. Why do they do it?

Because they're as daft as a two-bob watch, I should think.

Them poor bloody hamsters, thinking,

"I could get out of here in two minutes flat." Ha-ha!

And then they find they ain't going nowhere.

Just like the rest of us.

We're all on the bloody wheel ourselves, aren't we?

Dogs are just...stupid.

(LAUGHS) Not as stupid as stick insects,

the most stupid creatures in the world.

"Look at me pretending to be a log! Isn't that clever?"

"Ooh, I'm a little twig. Isn't that great?"

Dogs are far better than that.

I think cats make good pets.

There's quite a lot of cats with bad breath, though.

That's what I don't like about them. Cats? Yeah.

I like stick insects. I had a train journey, me and two stick insects. Brilliant!

I know. I'd very much like a stick insect,

but not as an intellectual conversationalist.

I mean..."Hey, have you seen my log impression?"

"Yes." It doesn't go much further than that.

Stick insects don't have a developed vocal tract. It wouldn't happen.

I think, though, dogs are stupid.

I don't really like snakes. Spiders I can live with,

but I've never touched a snake.

I almost did, but no, they're not our thing.

I feel...isolated.

I feel alone.

I think I can hear something scraping on the outside,

and I don't know what it is.

I... I'd like there to be someone here with me.

Snakes can be dangerous to other pets.

Um... They can swallow things whole...

..and they do eat mice and small rodents...whole,

without chewing.

Now, I like the furries and the tortoises.

I've got tortoises. I LOVE tortoises.

They're still asleep at the moment.

Sleep's really important to me.

Um...

I go through passages when I need to have a lot of it. It's gorg-

I mean, come on, it must be in the top three of everybody's list.

Your bed. You know, I mean, top three, top two, top one.

Maybe the top. My bed. Wow!

Sometimes the pets, when people are looking,

will actually do something to say,

"I'm the one you want."

"Here I am. You want me. Have me!"

It's like I've been sitting on the bench with all my friends.

It's like being at a dance. One by one, somebody's come up

and taken them away. Then there's just me.

How much am I worth?

I would find it very hard to put a value on that.

On a good day, I'd say that I'd be worth a fair lump sum.

Do I say a million pounds, or do I say ten million pounds?

I don't think I'm that valuable.

I think I'm worth about �142, probably.

At the end of the day,

if you're the right person, you can buy me for 10p.

But the rest of the time, on days when I'm feeling a bit grumpy,

and I'm sort of er... having an off day with people,

and I'm not in my normal, friendly state of mind,

I wouldn't pay a penny for me.

I'd throw me back and choose another one.

Ha-ha-ha!

Could you put a price ticket on yourself?

No.

No. Not at all.

No. I wouldn't even sell you.

I wouldn't sell you either.

Aw! Aw!

I don't know if I'd worry about being left on the shelf.

At the end of the day,

I've come through many years of being on my own

and having a really great time.

I think if I was on my own I'd just continue to live life.

If it was at this standard, I couldn't complain.

I've sort of been on and off the shelf, as they say, really.

There's been a time when I thought I was on the shelf,

and then I got took off again.

Everyone gets rejection in life.

When you're younger, you're more able to cope with that I think,

and bounce back and er...you know,

you're not on the shelf for long.

I know that...

it will be OK in the end.

But I am very pessimistic.

Um... I think it's going to take a long time

before I get out of here.

The icing on the cake would be the partner or the companion

who would be there with me for the next number of years.

And so I'm...nicely happy now in my life...

..having been took off the shelf.

And that's, like, a nice family that I'm in now.

And that's a very comfortable sort of feeling.

Jill has a tendency,

um...most mornings, actually,

to claim that at some point during the previous night,

I farted very loudly.

I think snakes and spiders are more scared of you

than you are of them. Ssssss!

I have a phobia of being shut in an incredibly small space...

with no light.

My ultimate... I mean, the idea of being buried alive with no space,

in a box...

Oh, man...

Mmmm...

Zzzz...

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