Original subtitles

SNIFFS

MUNCHES

RIBBIT RIBBIT!

CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK!

CHIRP!

WOOF WOOF!

OINK!

MOO!

British food?

I think it's first class.

Somehow clean.

Er... Um...

Satisfying.

English food is very bland, isn't it?

Yeah, but I'm not terribly spicy, I'm not, either.

Or I like the spices and the spices don't like me. You know what I mean?

I like...I like spices. I like all kinds...

There's nothing round here, anyway.

The trouble with the foods we eat now, there's too much fat in 'em.

The worst thing that happens in this country,

there's too many people eat chips.

Ooh.

Egg and chips.

Egg, chips, gammon.

Um...

Chip butties.

At lunchtime, instead of kiddies going and buying a couple of apples,

or a couple of pears, what do they do?

They go to the chip shops and buy chips.

And when they get home, they have chips AGAIN.

MUNCHES AND GULPS

You know, if I have too much chocolate, I get a bit fat.

And I put on... LAUGHS

I put on a lot of weight.

Yeah, she eats really well for a diet.

I mean, I put her weight on, then she piles it off.

So, I think what she loses, I gain.

I try and eat healthily.

She eats brown bread, and all the rest of it.

Apples, and bananas. You name it, she eats it.

The main staple diet for runners is, er...

CHEERING

We had er... In fact, we had wild strawberries.

Little, wild strawberries.

Er...

And, of course,

if it was acorn time, you could always eat an acorn.

And even the thistle.

You could always peel the top off a thistle.

Are you talking about food? I like EVERYTHING.

Not one particular... Like a Mexican, that's no good for me.

Well, there are one or two foods I DO have.

Rice pudding, proper pizzas...

um...

I like some of the deep pan pizzas.

The crust on top - amazing.

And then that gooey stuff inside.

But that sort of poo is a lot healthier. Horse poo and cow poo.

Cow pats are fantastic to look at,

with all those dung beetles crawling around inside them.

As long as it's filling and barely edible, I'll pretty much eat it.

I'm always too hungry to be picky.

I don't like to eat anything, really,

that was contaminated by any insect.

Although, you put up with it, when you're hungry.

I never ate it...that I know of.

CHUCKLES

I may have done. I don't know.

Horse poo is very good.

But human poo, and dog poo, that's poisonous, I think.

If you eat a bit of dirt, it don't matter.

They reckon you eat a pound of dirt, anyway.

In your lifetime, they reckon you eat a pound of dirt.

Without even knowing.

I used to go round the back of shops and supermarkets,

going down the back of the skips...

No problem! CHUCKLES

You know, I've eaten food that's been a week old, and what have you.

Anything, from frozen to tins.

I used to find all sorts of food in the skips.

I was like liberating it.

CHUCKLES

And then, there's elephant poo.

Which er...is enormous.

And lion's poo. Now, that must frighten ANYBODY off.

CHILD'S VOICE: I don't catch flies

because they eat poo.

And I don't like poo.

Eating dirt, you've got your trace elements in there, haven't you?

And it builds up your resistance to infections.

So, it ain't a bad thing, I don't think.

Dirt on food?

Dirt on food? What? What?

Dirt on food can KILL you!

You can put one mouthful of dirty food in your mouth,

and you can be a goner!

How can you ask me that question?

I think I've...ate more lead shot

than I've ate... certainly ate oysters.

CHUCKLES

I ain't...

I... Gawd! I should think that's probably...

I don't know, it's probably why my brain's a bit funny, or... Ach!

Dog and cat food.

It smells absolutely disgusting. Well, it's very strong.

Horrible. It's very strong.

Oh, I don't think I'd like to eat a sheep's eyeball.

Or an intestine of a cow, or something like that.

But if you've got all these sort of intestines,

and all these sort of, you know, not so um...

not so appetising bits of animals,

then they mix it all up in a mixer and then they call it Sp(BLEEP).

(WEST INDIAN ACCENT) I don't want to sound like a cannibal,

but there again, we all went out for a meal,

and the chicken was SO horrible,

I could vomit all night and never stop.

That was really, really horrible!

Horrible.

Yeah, bloody milk cartons.

It goes everywhere, milk. Anything.

SIREN

There's too many bags in the world.

God help the people with arthritis. They can never open them.

They can't. It's terrible.

Even tea bags, to get the top off... Everything.

The cellophane, you can't open it.

The biscuits, you can't open. ALL packages.

I had a packet of ham... Terrible. None of the packages...

By the time you open it, you don't WANT the ham.

Oh, gosh, yes.

I hate sea food.

I really absolutely detest it.

I did eat a fish once...

..about two years ago.

And it was... I think they're disgusting.

No, you know, like prawns and all the shellfish...

I know they're lovely, but I'm ALWAYS afraid

in case you get the one that'll... ..turn your stomach.

Whelks, mussels -

that's like eating slugs.

Is it? Oysters, and stuff.

I've never tasted a slug. Euww!

Sliding down your gullet!

But you don't eat slugs, do you? Like eating a slug.

How do you know when you've never had one?

That's how I would imagine it to be.

I love salads.

I'd rather have a salad than a roast dinner.

We eat a lot of salad in the summer. More than in the winter.

Salt on a bit of tomato. You can't beat a bit of salt.

You can't beat a bit of lettuce. (CHUCKLES)

I mean, I feel very healthy.

The only thing I have problems with is digestion.

I don't know what is wrong with my digestion.

I mean, it's just like I just fart all the time, you know?

I've got a windy stomach.

So, like...

a lot of things I would not eat if it would upset me.

But other than that, no, I'm not a diet person.

(GULPS)

Vegetarian is all right.

But when they cut out EVERYTHING...

Cos some of them don't eat... Well, they're vegans, is it?

Vegans. Vegans.

I think that's hard.

Er, I've been a vegetarian a long time.

And er...

when I'm angry, I sometimes lapse...

and just go and bite something...

that's made out of meat.

Then I feel guilty afterwards.

Well...

I... Vegetarians. Well...

Vegetarians.

I think they're sort of...

trying to be better than the rest of us.

Do you know, it's been proved, as far as I know,

that the best thing to eat is a bit of yourself.

Actually, um...beans gives me wind,

and lemonade makes me burp.

(LAUGHS)

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