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The best effect of medicine is...
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I have no idea.
BOTH LAUGH
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You see, I've had a lot of things
wrong with me.
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I'm always going to the doctor's.
5
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You get there
and you find out, you know,
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there's queues to wait all the time,
in't there?
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And then...I mean t'doctor's, a lot
of the time waiting in queues and...
8
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I mean, most of the time,
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you spend most of your time
in the doctor's waiting.
10
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I'm one of these, I go to the doctor
when it's generally necessary.
11
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,960
I'm not one who goes for every pill,
potion and tablet there is.
12
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If I know what's the matter with me,
13
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I expect the doctor
to do something about it.
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I won't be fobbed off by them.
15
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Doctors have always scared me
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because when I was born,
I nearly died.
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I had fifty-fifty per cent
chance of living
18
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when I was born...
19
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and was in a little incubator
20
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and all my eyes were covered
21
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and I was yellow,
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which was awful.
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I rarely go to the doctor.
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The last time I did go,
he thought I'd died
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because I hadn't been
for such a long time.
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Doctors and I are great friends.
I owe a lot to doctors.
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They've kept me alive.
I've seen a lot of them.
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They've come. They've prodded me
from top to bottom,
29
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in and out, every end, every...
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every part of my body.
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And they've un....
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cut me open and stitched me up
33
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and done a pretty good job on me
all over.
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I'm the kind of person
that's a bit of a hypochondriac.
35
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And if I get a little nagging pain
or something,
36
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I automatically think
it's something really serious.
37
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But, then, I never go to the doctor.
38
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And you never shut up about it
either.
39
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I know. It's just a typical bloke,
I suppose where...
40
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It's not.
41
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Shall we row about it now?
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It's these heart palpitations I get.
43
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I never know when
they're going to come.
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And they...they just...
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You've got your heart
jumping about all over the place.
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MONITORS BEEP
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COUGHS
48
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I can't do with sputum and
I can't do very much with feet.
49
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I can't do anything
with anybody's feet.
50
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Doing anything with my own sputum
really makes my stomach turn over.
51
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You know...
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I don't mind vomit.
53
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I developed a funny lockjaw.
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The dribble was coming out
the side of my mouth.
55
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I couldn't speak. I couldn't chew.
56
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I just wanted to die.
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Took one look at me and said,
"Oh, that's an allergic reaction."
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He gave me my antidote
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and immediately my mouth
just went urrgh!
60
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:02,960
Back to normal.
61
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,000
That's what I've got now.
I've got throat swelling now.
62
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,960
And I've got, you know,
63
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,960
I've got the tablets for that
at the moment as well.
64
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,320
I've took a lot of tablets
all my life...
65
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about 23,000...
66
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and I'm still alive,
but at the end of the day,
67
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I think without them
I'd have been dead.
68
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DRY COUGH
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I once had my head
slammed in a door.
70
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That was good.
71
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And I got...
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I was saying goodbye to my friend
73
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and somebody slammed the door
on my head.
74
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And it was my birthday
75
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and I had to have
five stitches in my head.
76
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So I've got them as well.
77
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I could've had a DVT - couldn't I? -
laid in bed all that time,
78
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but, as I say,
they gave me an anticoagulant.
79
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Anyway, I'm here to tell the story.
80
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,960
There's people worse off than I
am... I can walk about all right.
81
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I remember having a severe cold,
which didn't shift.
82
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,960
And I shared a flat
with a couple of vet students
83
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who dosed me with Famel syrup,
84
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the main active ingredient of which
I believe is creosote.
85
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,320
So I spent several days
smelling like a fence post,
86
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,960
but it did the job.
87
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,960
You see, I've had a lot of things
wrong with me.
88
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,960
There was big problems with my eyes
at one stage.
89
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,160
I went in about my eyes...
well, a lot of times
90
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,960
and had to go to see specialists.
91
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But what they do is they...
they clamp your head...
92
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..in a...in a big clamp...
93
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and they want to bounce things
on your eyeballs.
94
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,000
I had an eye operation
quite a few years ago.
95
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,960
I flew very quickly
after I'd had the eye operation.
96
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Well...you can't, you know...
97
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I couldn't be doing with that,
you know.
98
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And so I'm pulling my head
out of this clamp all the time.
99
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And it was a real concern.
I shouldn't have flown
100
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because it put too much pressure
behind the eye.
101
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That's another occasion
102
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when they told me
I could just go on my own way.
103
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So I got thrown out of there
as well.
104
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,960
I've fallen from this, yeah.
I fell from this once.
105
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,000
A little blonde beautiful,
little blonde lady.
106
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,960
She was quite nice, she was.
107
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Yes. That's the trouble.
108
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,320
I went to Birmingham to see her
on my old motorbike.
109
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,960
I don't like...
I had a blood test the other day,
110
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but I do not like needles.
111
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I don't like needles at all.
112
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I look away
when I'm having an injection.
113
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,960
I'm fine with injections
into any part of my body,
114
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but I won't have them in my mouth.
115
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,800
And the reason is that I...
116
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I've always been the opposite.
I LOVE injections in my mouth.
117
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Really?
I really quite like them.
118
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960
In fact, the more intrusive
the dentistry the better I like it.
119
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,800
I'm not keen on dentists. I was
the last in Britain to be gassed.
120
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,640
They didn't use enough gas!
No. I did come round.
121
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,960
That's when
they started phasing gas out
122
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because they said
gas is too dangerous.
123
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960
The big black mask.
124
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,480
You can see it coming towards your
face and the smell of the rubber.
125
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:58,640
And having all my bottom teeth
filled without anaesthetic.
126
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,000
Dentists... Just brutal.
127
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,800
Really brutal.
128
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,960
Dr Bewers, he was very good,
that boy.
129
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,320
I mean, I think he was the first one
that told me, you know,
130
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,000
some of the many things
that was wrong with me.
131
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,960
You know, I had a problem
with the inner ear...
132
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
and asthma,
what I had for a long time.
133
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,960
I've got a small scar
on my forehead,
134
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,960
where a child threw a brick at me...
135
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960
or it seemed like a brick
at the time, but...
136
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960
I've no scars...
And I've got a scar here.
137
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960
I've no scars whatsoever anywhere.
138
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,960
You have.
Have I?
139
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,960
That? Do you count that as a scar?
It's only a little...
140
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,960
Well, that is a scar, yeah.
141
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,960
I don't count it as a scar.
Do you not? No.
142
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:50,320
I've got a scar on my elbow
and a scar on my other elbow
143
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,960
and a scar on my knee.
144
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,640
On my face, my legs, my stomach...
145
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,960
And a scar on my other knee,
on my tongue, my head.
146
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960
My arms, wrists, hands -
147
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
everywhere.
148
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960
There is no one part on my body
that does not have a scar.
149
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960
I don't know
if I've got any other scars.
150
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,960
Not physical ones.
151
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,960
Mental ones, obviously,
I've got a lot of them,
152
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,960
but you can't see them
because they're inside my brain.
153
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,960
I was injured badly once...
154
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,960
Somebody kicked me in the forehead.
155
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,480
Being very young, I got up
and carried on and didn't think...
156
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,640
..it had done me much damage.
157
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,960
For all I know, some of that damage
may still be there.
158
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,960
May still affect some of the things
I do and some of the things I say.
159
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,960
I've broken all my toes.
I've got a dodgy knee.
160
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,160
I've bust both my ankles
161
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,160
and bent my feet back round
so they're next to my shins.
162
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,960
Broken my hand and my wrist
and my collarbone three times.
163
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,960
Bashed my head, knackered my back.
164
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,960
And it's all been worth it.
165
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,960
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com
166
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LAUGHS: It's great.
167
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,960
I love smiling. I love being happy
and jovial, telling jokes,
168
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:05,960
being the butt end of jokes.
169
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,960
But, hey, now I can do it
with a mouthful of teeth
170
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,960
and I'm really looking forward
to it.
171
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,960
I've had crabs. They were good.
172
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,320
You got a hand, didn't you?
173
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,960
I did, yeah.
LAUGHS
174
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960
Ooh, hang on, hang on.
175
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960
I won't let anyone stick
a thermometer in me. Ow!
176
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,480
Now it's a lot of talk
is what I find.
177
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,480
Um...and that. Yeah?
178
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,000
Sorry, what was the question again?
179
00:08:42,050 --> 00:08:46,600
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