Original subtitles

I've no idea.

And why are you getting out of your passenger door?

Well, that side's a bit bent, I can't open that door.

You... Oh, hello.

Now we can discover why we're dressed like this.

Right... "Now you must test your cars' rough terrain abilities.

"Tonight, the North Yorkshire Carbon Management and Sustainability Trust

"are holding their annual conference

"and dinner at Broughton Hall, five miles from here.

"You must drive there without using any roads."

Um... Oh, God.

What?

"The last to arrive will be doing the after-dinner speech."

This matters.

This is bad. This matters a lot.

I'm not losing this.

Where's Broughton Hall?

This is what I do - maps, countryside, 4x4s.

That's east...

There's Broughton Hall.

Oh, please God, no.

I hate after-dinner speaking.

I hate it with such a passion.

I have done a couple of after-dinner speeches.

On both occasions I thought,

"I'm going to be brilliant, I'm going to knock 'em dead."

On both occasions I died on my arse.

'I too trembled at the thought of after-dinner speaking,

'and I had another issue.'

I know I'm out of my element here, viewers.

I live in Hammersmith, this is the countryside, I don't really like it.

Don't know what it's for or what you're supposed to do with it.

OK, sit rep.

The, er, roll down the bank has caused a little bit of damage.

The windscreen and side window are both now plastic,

but the mighty Vauxhall Vectra engine is working well.

Come on, grippy penis wheels.

'In the Pinin, my ignorance of country ways had already got me in bother.'

Hang on a minute.

I'm stuck in a sheep pen.

You mustn't worry sheep, I know that,

otherwise the farmer comes and shoots at you.

'I, meanwhile, was totally in my element.'

Yes.

Oh, well done, Jeepie!

This thing is actually brilliant off-road.

Minimal revs, just let the torque do it.

This is where Jeremy's going to go horribly wrong.

Power is not necessarily the solution here.

Power!

Come on, speed! Oh, dear, no.

And that's... Oh, come on!

Now I'm in very big trouble here.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I'm not saying my mother-in-law's fat...

but she is sustainable.

I can't do after-dinner speaking!

Cocking Nora, I'm in another pen.

I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a pen full of sheep.

Gate, that's a gate.

Bollocks!

'Having been pulled free by a friendly country type...'

Yes, yes.

'..I set off again... having not learned my lesson.'

Speed through the muddy bit.

No, no, no, no, this is bad!

Aargh!

Aaargh!

I've gone in a tree. Mine is the only one that's completed the journey.

You don't get extra points for getting

further down the cliff, you don't. You do!

'Amazingly, the 140 Frontera still looked like a car.

'And even more amazingly...'

ENGINE STARTS

Yes, here we go.

Oh, yeah.

Excellent.

That's passed.

That is genuinely...

Surprisingly well! That is not bad.

'Better still, it was able to haul the Jeep off the cliff.'

Yes!

There you go.

I thank you.

'But sadly, James's Turboactive Pinin was just too far away.'

Onwards!

'So we left him behind.'

'Eventually, though, we were all reunited in Yorkshire,

'where we'd been told to report for one final challenge.'

Why are we on a grouse moor in dinner jackets?

I've no idea.

And why are you getting out of your passenger door?

Well, that side's a bit bent, I can't open that door.

You... Oh, hello.

Now we can discover why we're dressed like this.

Right... "Now you must test your cars' rough terrain abilities.

"Tonight, the North Yorkshire Carbon Management and Sustainability Trust

"are holding their annual conference

"and dinner at Broughton Hall, five miles from here.

"You must drive there without using any roads."

Um... Oh, God.

What?

"The last to arrive will be doing the after-dinner speech."

This matters.

This is bad. This matters a lot.

I'm not losing this.

Where's Broughton Hall?

This is what I do - maps, countryside, 4x4s.

That's east...

There's Broughton Hall.

Oh, please God, no.

I hate after-dinner speaking.

I hate it with such a passion.

I have done a couple of after-dinner speeches.

On both occasions I thought,

"I'm going to be brilliant, I'm going to knock 'em dead."

On both occasions I died on my arse.

'I too trembled at the thought of after-dinner speaking,

'and I had another issue.'

I know I'm out of my element here, viewers.

I live in Hammersmith, this is the countryside, I don't really like it.

Don't know what it's for or what you're supposed to do with it.

OK, sit rep.

The, er, roll down the bank has caused a little bit of damage.

The windscreen and side window are both now plastic,

but the mighty Vauxhall Vectra engine is working well.

Come on, grippy penis wheels.

'In the Pinin, my ignorance of country ways had already got me in bother.'

A tree is happening.

'Still, could be worse.'

Don't touch the brakes. I can't help it, I'm touching the brake. Oh!

Ow! Oh, no, I can't stop now.

Ah!

Oh, don't go down there,

don't go down there!

Not good.

Ha-ha. There you go. Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Yah, ha-ha!

'All three of us had been on the move for two hours

'and none of us was much closer to our destination.

'However, I'd managed to find a promising-looking track.'

It doesn't go all the way to the hall but it will get me

a mile or so.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, your guest speaker is...

James May!

Speed!

Power...

Wait, yes, that's...that's it, it's all over now.

'Meanwhile, back in the sheep pens...'

I've already been here!

'Having solved my visibility issues...'

Yes! Behold the strength of the man.

'..I was back on the move.'

Oh, God, it's cold.

I'm 54, why am I doing this?

Arrgh!

Don't want that.

'In the Jeep, my countryside skills had paid off.'

Hang on a minute. That's it. That's where I'm going.

This is it.

There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, your speaker for this evening

will not be Richard Hammond, because he won the race.

Ah...

Ah. Oh, yeah!

Wrong place.

Oh, God!

'I, meanwhile, wasn't at the wrong place.'

And there it is, Broughton Hall. My quest is at an end.

There's a bridge across the river. Excellent news.

Oh, no.

Yes, look, in here, there's an exit.

That's what it's for, look, that's what it's for.

That's a ford...

in my mind.

'Having waterproofed my car for the perilous river crossing,

'I waded in.'

Yes.

I have designed this to be a boat and it's going to be one.

Arrgh!

Please don't do that!

'Meanwhile, James was still stuck in a sheep pen.

'Really stuck.'

No, no, no, no, no!

Right, hang on, hang on, hang on.

I can do...

THUD BLEEP!

SQUELCH BLEEP!

SPLUTTERS

CLASSICAL STRING QUARTET PLAYS 'Up at the hall,

'the guests were starting to arrive.'

Let's just try that.

BLEEP hell!

That was the bit of the map I needed!

It's slippery.

This is the right way.

I think this is the right way.

I don't want to have to do the speech. I don't want to do the speech.

What was it again? Sustainability and carbon something.

I mean, they're not going to want to hear about my Mustang, are they?

MUSIC AND CONVERSATION

No-o-o!

'In the Frontera, things still weren't going well.'

You bastard!

'But I had at least found a way to stay warm.'

Ah...

Oh, yeah.

I can't imagine that a urine-soaked pair of trousers is going to

put the audience off, because look...

'Meanwhile, a long way downstream...'

Oh, oh, that's deeper than I expected.

Yeah!

Oh, no.

Kill me.

Just kill me.

Bad! Bad!

Deep m... Oh, deep mud!

Oh, God, I've lost a shoe! Oh, no!

No shoe... Cold! Oh!

Oh!

No, no. Oh, God!

'With Jeremy and I bogged down...' No-o!

'..James was on the move again,

'and bringing himself into contention.'

Oh, yes.

Oh, this farm track is the most beautiful road I've ever seen.

I might, I might get out of this yet.

GRINDING Come on, no! Don't.

WHIRRING

GRINDING

I hate working on Top Gear!

'In the Jeep, I was finally free, and back in the running.'

It's not over yet.

Going to go just over this crest and there it will be.

Buffeting. Buffeting.

Ladies and gentlemen, your host for this evening,

from BBC's Top Gear, it's Richard Hammond/Jeremy Clarkson.

'Not if I had anything to do with it.'

CLATTERING

Come on, Vauxhall!

Come on, 140 Vaux... well, 70 Vauxhall now.

Engine warning lights are on.

It doesn't have to live for more than another ten minutes or so.

It just has to get me there before one of the other two.

Please!

Move!

Yeah, ha-ha!

Not now! Not so close!

Please!

I beg of you! Mercy!

Come on, little car, you've got about half a mile to go.

Come on, come on, keep moving.

CLATTERING

Here I am, I've made it to Broughton Hall.

Is James here, is Richard here?

I can't see their cars.

Oh, yes!

Thank you, God! Thank you, Vauxhall!

Oh, God, I'm going to end up doing the speech!

Oh, yes! That is, ladies and gentlemen, the home straight.

This is it, there it is.

Please, please, please.

Ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry about the wait this evening.

Thank you so much for your patience.

It gives me great pleasure, your guest speaker tonight is...

..Mr Richard Hammond!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DIES AWAY

FEEDBACK ON MICROPHONE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Um, Carbon Management and Sustainability Trust.

I am often asked, "What's your favourite car, Richard?"

And it's a Land Rover.

But...that...you see, land,

because, you...it's...

it's primarily the environment with which you are involved.

Um, I'm actually wearing quite a lot of the environment this evening.

Um...

Isn't Jeremy fat?

Sorry, sir, I don't mean... That's not necessarily bad, obviously.

Um, some people just are. Um...

Well, you know what?

Actually, that sounded like one of your more successful after-dinner speeches.

Do you know, it was! Nobody even threw crockery for another minute.

Anyway, we hope you enjoyed those films

and all that remains now is for us to say thank you for watching.

Yes, absolutely, thank you very much for watching,

and, well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

SILENCE, NO THEME MUSIC