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Where are the cameras?

The... the cameras...

Oh, "Restaurant 9-1-1"!

Is this the one they filmed at The Lunch Box?

Uh, yeah. What gave it away?

Harris and the family on TV?

If only my eyes were that good,

small person with a blurry face and dark hair.

Sit down. You didn't miss much.

So far, it's just been Chef Chestnut telling Jackie

that her cooking is the enemy of taste buds everywhere.

I could jab a knife into my hip

and I'd cry real tears!

I can't believe how these Hollywood types

cut this show together.

I look all defensive and crazy.

Yeah, they didn't cut anything. It's one long shot.

There's no way I was glaring at the guy like that.

That's obviously a special effect.

And you hear how they make my voice sound?

It's all shrill and angry!

That's exactly what you sound like!

No, I don't! America thinks all women sound like that!

That's the problem!

I got to pee!

Pretty weird seeing yourself on TV, right?

Yeah.

I always thought the first time I saw myself

would be on "Cops,"

stealing copper wire out of streetlights.

By the way, apropos of nothing,

where do you actually take the copper wire to get that money?

Finances a little tight lately?

Yeah.

I've been having a hard time keeping up.

Aren't you living in sin with a pilot?

I'm not going to ask him for money.

But I will occasionally take a 20 out of his wallet

as a "open bathroom door tax."

Mom, look.

There's Ben falling in love with Adam Chestnut on TV.

Bet that's a nice reminder of what your husband looks like, huh?

If you think I'm bothered that I never see him anymore

because he's launching a magazine, you're wrong.

Maybe someday, somebody will love you enough

to avoid you at all costs.

Aww. There you are, Grandpa.

- You look great. - Yeah.

I think standing again while I brush my teeth

is really paying off.

Hey, Tyler.

Thank you.

He's watching it from New York.

Oh, honey,

I don't think my eyes look like sparkling diamonds.

They're blue.

They're more like brilliant sapphires.

Oh, you're missing a 20?

Oh, it might be, uh, somebody from my lowlife family.

Everybody says hi.

Wow, we already have over a thousand new followers

on The Lunch Box Instagram from the show.

Anything on there about

how the previous owner's passion and intellect

shines through the cracks

of this show's obvious smear campaign against her?

Uh, no.

But someone did make a nice GIF

comparing you to a howler monkey.

You know,

I don't mean to brag, but Tyler's right.

I look pretty good on TV.

I bet some of those Lunch Box followers

want to see more of me.

Well, you are attractive to people who don't know you yet.

Maybe I should be an influencer.

They make a lot of money.

I got plenty of rizz.

I just got to figure out my hook.

Well, here's a guy with a million followers

being kicked in the groin by a kangaroo.

That could be you.

Hey, Jean.

Hey, how you doing, Dan?

Great. Come on in. Everybody, this is Jean.

Now, Jackie, I know you're still mad at me

about not suing the drug company over Roseanne,

so as a peace offering,

I thought I'd introduce you to a really good lawyer.

Oh, we know each other.

Last time Jean and I saw each other was in court,

when her client allegedly

contracted hepatitis in the bathroom at The Lunch Box.

Really? Not the kitchen?

Well, he was a member of the City Council.

And I had no idea a lot of them were intravenous drug users.

Well, she helped me sue a contractor once.

Bastard didn't tell me about his unstable roof.

Oh, and I wish I could have gotten you more for that,

but you weren't paralyzed.

So much of this is luck.

- How's business? - Oh, terrible.

All these new cars have automatic braking,

so you can't throw yourself in front of one

and make an honest buck anymore.

Well, I'm going to grab a beer.

Should we take this to the kitchen?

Cold one?

Oh, I'd love one.

But I got to blow into my ignition to start my car.

Just so you know,

I'm only suing because

somebody's got to stand up to these pharmaceutical companies

when the deceased partner won't do it.

Well, it's a better case

if the spouse lays out the whole experience,

really selling the pain and suffering.

It's called loss of consortium.

And you establish that,

well, the three cherries come up on the slot machine,

the sirens go off,

and everyone in the casino wishes they were you.

You're talking about the death of my wife here.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was insensitive.

You like boats? Yeah...

there's nothing for grief

like being out on the open water

with a beer in one hand, marlin pole in the other.

Hey, and if you get out into international waters?

You can do all kinds of nasty stuff.

I'll remember that,

but I'm not going to change my mind, Jean.

Okay. Of course.

I will just leave the paperwork with Jackie.

And get it back to me as quick as you can.

- Yeah, yeah. - Thank you, thank you.

Sure. Thank you. Thank you, Dan.

Uh, hey, Jackie?

You think he'd mind if I hung out a bit?

'Cause I'd actually really love that beer.

But I got to drink a gallon of water and wait a few hours.

Unless you got a skateboard. You got a skateboard?

Um...

No, no.

Don't have that.

Um...

Uh, you can just let yourself out.

7x02 - Fame, Flying Fists, and Cold Feet

"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, Aunt Jackie.

Thank you again for coming in to help.

I knew the TV show was going to bring in a lot of people,

but, I mean, this is pretty crazy.

No. No worries.

Feels great to tie the apron strings

and get back in the saddle again.

Oh, she's still purrs for Mama.

Wow.

This might be my fault.

I think they're here just to get a peek at me,

just to see if I'm for real.

They probably thought I was AI

because of all the perfection and everything.

Before you fall into that lake you're looking into,

would you please deliver this grilled cheese

to that customer at the end of the counter?

Yeah, sure.

Sorry, I'm getting ready for my first livestream.

You're going to have to hire more people.

Once I get enough followers, I'll get paid sponsors

and I won't have to work here anymore.

Not to mention the disability money

you'll be getting from your break with reality.

What's up, single moms?

It's your girl Becky from "Restaurant 9-1-1."

But I'm more than a hot waitress.

I'm a hot mom, student, girlfriend,

and someone who can still fit in her high school jeans.

Speaking of hot moms who can do it all...

This is my daughter, Beverly Rose.

Hey, can I help you with your homework?

You never ask me that. Why you asking me now?

I ask to help you all the time.

She's a little camera-shy.

No, I'm not.

I just don't need attention like you.

Oh, my gosh. Look who it is.

Hey, it's my boss, Harris,

the owner of The Lunch Box. What up, niece?

Please don't mention me,

The Lunch Box, or America.

We're all embarrassed for you.

Oh, oh! Got a lot of comments coming.

Oh, I guess you want to see Beverly Rose again.

Oh, nope. She's on to us.

Less of the desperate, old blonde,

more of the sarcastic kid?

Okay, hey.

We don't want any of that hateful trolling here, okay?

E-excuse me?

Shut up, Reese Deliver-spoon?

Hey.

Hey.

How about this?

Ben felt so bad about putting our relationship

on the back burner that he set up this romantic dinner.

Oh, and he even printed up this little card.

"I hate when we're apart,

but it just makes our time together more special."

And it's signed "B."

Aw.

Yeah, "B" for Becky.

I wrote that.

Wait, what?

It's for Tyler.

I told him people were being mean to me online,

so he's flying back from Paris

just to spend some time with me for a couple hours.

I mean, who does that, right?

Well, I let myself get happy for a second,

so I had it coming.

Sorry.

And this may not be the best timing,

but, uh, Ben came by

and told me to tell you that he grabbed some clothes

because he has to sleep at the office again tonight.

Did he say if he was sleeping

in the front or back of the office?

I don't want to drive my car through the wrong part.

I know it's rough.

But he's not going to be working around the clock forever.

But he says that.

But he's just setting up the magazine right now.

When he's in production, the hours are going to be even worse.

Sorry about that.

Oh, and if you don't mind,

uh, could you stay in your room for the next few hours

so that all of this doesn't kill the mood tonight?

Uh, don't worry.

I'm going to go to the Lobo

because all of this

doesn't want to see all of that

get all worked up and do something disgusting

on top of all of this.

Hey. Saw your truck outside.

What are you watching?

Highlights of the Bulls game, but that got depressing,

so I flipped over

to a documentary about microplastics.

I like knowing what I'm putting in my body.

Did you know they found them in 100% of human testicles?

Well, we have to talk.

I filled out all the paperwork

and Jean says I don't have a case.

I was never financially supported by Roseanne

and she didn't live with me, so unless you sue, it's over.

Why are you even here?

Well, Jean told me the same thing.

And I knew you'd try to hunt me down at the house,

so I came here.

It's the best hiding place I could think of with pie.

Jean says you have a slam dunk case.

I don't know how many times I could tell you

or how many ways to show you.

It's blood money and I don't want it.

Yeah, I knew you were going to say that.

Um, I was going through some texts from Roseanne from 2018

to get details for the lawyer.

And I found something that I want to read to you.

This is the night before she had her knee surgery.

Oh, she was on pain pills, Jackie.

We all got strange texts.

She thought you were an alien.

I texted back, "That explains a lot.

But the truth is probably more disturbing than that."

Okay, uh, just listen to this.

"I'm worried sick about Dan.

"If I can't work again,

"he'll push himself to cover us and it'll kill him.

"He's worked so damn hard his whole life.

"I just want him to be able to kick his feet up one day.

"And I don't see the kids being able to help him.

I don't see Becky ever putting down the bottle..."

"Or Darlene

ever being able to trap another man."

And then I wrote back to her, "You're being silly.

"You'll be fine and you guys will live

a long, happy life together."

And that is one of the last times we ever texted.

The last one was...

uh, "You're an idiot. You're ruining your life.

You're dah-dah-dah-dah-dah."

Yeah, God, I miss her.

Well, she was wrong.

- I'm fine. - Are you?

You paid off the house.

But that used up all the insurance money.

And I know your pension's not that much,

so you're basically living off of social security.

Roseanne wanted you to have more.

Okay, Jackie, I got it.

I've got another hiding place, but this one has cake.

Don't follow me.

Well, my last beer was from Colorado,

so let's keep heading west and follow the Oregon Trail.

I want to feel the same sense of adventure

the pioneers felt.

You know, minus the rattlesnake bites and the cannibalism.

Hi.

Sorry to bother you,

but could you take a picture of us?

Oh, sure. No problem.

Okay. There you go.

Actually, can you take another one

with us looking into each other's eyes?

I don't feel good about it, but I can.

All right.

Now maybe just one more where we're kissing?

Uh, listen...

My beer came all the way from Oregon to be with me

and I don't want to be rude and make it wait.

So last one, all right?

Okay.

It's... it's enough, you guys.

Uh, no.

Hey. Why'd you do that?

Because you're disgusting,

and no one wants to see you guys frenching

like a couple of horny teenagers.

Uh, bye!

Or is it because nobody wants to do that with you, bitch?

Are you serious?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Cool out.

- No, no, this isn't about you. - Whoa, cool out.

- Don't touch me! - Hey, you're way too close.

- Don't touch me, bro! - You don't touch me.

No, you stay...

Damn it.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah, that's right. You better walk away.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry. Are you okay?

Yeah.

- Crap. Does it look okay? - Oh.

Uh, well,

if you wanted the blood on the outside of your nose,

then you nailed it.

Okay.

Uh, can we get something cold for his face?

Mm.

Do you have anything domestic? I don't even know this guy.

Again, I am so sorry.

I don't usually fight with people like that.

To be honest, they were driving me crazy, too.

There's something about...

people being happy in public.

It's just wrong.

Right? That's why I came here tonight.

It's dark, everybody's depressed and miserable.

These are my people.

If you want to be happy, you go to Chi-Chi's.

Yeah, I hear you.

I just, uh, separated from my wife.

And all I want is a beer

and to look around at people who are worse off than me.

Well, look no further.

You found your gal.

Yeah? What's your sad story?

My husband is working 24/7,

so I'm alone a lot and I miss him.

What's he do that keeps him so busy?

He is starting a hardware magazine.

Why?

We're not supposed to ask that.

Uh, he's going through something. I don't know.

Yeah.

Well, not being with your partner sucks, right?

- Mm-hmm. - It's like every song you hear

is about breaking up and everybody you see is in love.

And the little gecko in the insurance commercial says...

You're going to die alone.

Oh, no, that could have been the edible.

Uh, two more beers, please.

Oh, I'm Darlene, by the way.

Chad.

Mm, Chad.

Were you just playing your hot sax over at "St. Elmo's Fire"?

Yeah, I wouldn't be making fun of names

if I had one that sounds like

you got done wrong by your two-timing man...

Darlene.

Oh, you think you're funny, huh?

All right, I like that.

Hey.

Haven't seen you go live for a while.

What's up?

Did you see any of the comments?

Mm, I glanced.

I saw the word "desperate" a lot

and also the word "old"

and then various combinations of the two.

Yeah, they were brutal.

It was like having a thousand Darlenes coming at me,

but without any of the fake love underneath.

Do you ever go to a carnival and see the game

where you throw a ball and if it hits the bull's-eye,

some poor dumbass gets dunked in the water tank?

They were looking at that when they built social media.

Well, I'm done.

As much as I need the money,

that whole influencer thing is too toxic.

Oh, I understand. You have to protect yourself.

Oh, no.

No, not me. I'm tough.

I can take it.

It's bad for Beverly Rose.

She's worked too hard to overcome her issues

to leave her self-esteem in the hands of those monsters.

Yeah.

Uh, for the record,

I think she looks pretty damn good for her age.

Thank you.

She went through a phase where she smoked and drank,

but staying out of the sun saved her.

Here.

Want some company?

From the very bottom of my heart, no.

Dad, we all have a little something to say to you.

I'm on Team Jackie.

She showed us the text, and it's pretty clear

that Mom would want you to get money from the drug company.

Dad, it is also clear

that Mom thought we would never be capable

of taking care of you, and the sad news is

even though we are doing a little bit better...

and I did manage to trap a man...

you're probably still on your own.

Oh, Grandpa, you took me and Mom and Mark in

when we had no place else to go,

so I just want you to know that wherever I go,

you can live in the basement.

Harris, we're trying to talk him into suing.

Do not give him options.

It's okay, Jackie.

Even with the generous offer of me living underground,

I have no intention of being a burden on any of you.

Okay, Mr. Stoic.

We're running out of time.

There's a statute of limitations on these things.

She died 6 1/2 years ago.

It's now or never.

It's now.

I knew this was going to be hard on me to do this,

but now that I realize what Rosie wanted for me,

I'm not going to let her down.

Oh!

So you let us all make these stupid, little speeches

and you knew the whole time you were going to sue?

I'm on social security. This is my entertainment.

No, I knew the minute Jackie read the text.

And I talked it over with Louise and she agrees.

But thank you all for worrying about me.

If we get anything from this lawsuit,

I will extend the same amount of security to you

as what is extended to me.

Did I say basement? I meant the big bedroom.

Too late.

To taking money from big corporations

that killed your spouse.

- Mm. - Hear.

Very heartfelt and not usable in many situations.

Seriously digging this Massachusetts IPA.

You can just tell the hops were ground by hand

by real Boston artisans.

You can really taste

the notes of cheese in my Wisconsin lager.

That's a Miller Lite!

Oh, I might have dripped

some of my mozzarella stick in there.

Hello, Conner clan. Good to see you.

Dan, got your paperwork right here.

We're going to win this thing.

Hey, can I get an Alaskan ale

and six glasses of water?

Well, I'm here for three hours.

What do you guys want to talk about?