Original subtitles

Ju ju Hey Hey

Voodoo Lady

I don�t mean maybe

black magic chile Here he is!

The clock struck 13.00

And I was searching

For that midnight woman

of my darkest dream.

She looked straight through me

Her spells undo me

My voodoo lady

Sweet witchcraft maid

Hello London!

You do

voodoo

You do

voodoo

Voodoo Lady

I don�t mean maybe

Voodoo Lady

And the chills you gave me

I beseech you

from Satan save me

No one knows the secret of the black magic box of my�

�Voodoo Lady

I don�t mean maybe

Ju ju Hey Hey

Black magic chile!

Here we go, here we go, here we go...!

Come on lads!

Come on let's see some action!

What do you reckon?

I fancy us tonight I really do

Yeah? Get a result?

Yeah... Keep it tide in the back in the first half

Push through in the second half

Beat the offside trap off, result!

You reckon...

Yeah I reckon!

Can't be the same every bleeding week, can it?

I blame that one there, Fortinbras

He comes on for 5 minutes before the end'nd just cleans up

But he'd never last a full 5 acts, would he?

Hasn't got the fatal flaw

I dunno he looks handy

Come on Hamlet, make your fucking mind up!

Jesus!

Stop soliloquising, you Danish poof!

He's just not taking them on, is he?

I don't understand it, he runs rings around Polonius in act II, scene II, and then he comes on like--

Here we go, look

Uh! Oh! Ophelia!

I said: Uh, Ophelia!

Get thee to a nunnery!

Get thee to a nunnery!

He's losing it

Nah. He is but mad, NNW!

When the wind is southerly he knows a hawk from a hacksaw

Claudius is staying down, look! Get up!

Get up off your knees you fat bastard!

Get up, you fat bleeding bastard!

Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?

He's fat! He's bad!

He murdered Hamlet's dad!

Claudius! Claudius!

Stick it to the man with it!

Go on, stick him!

Go on, my son!

Percentages!

Fatal indecision

Fat-al!

He wants to do it when he's drunk asleep or in his rage

Or incestuous pleasure of his bed

At gaming at swearing or about some act that hath no relish in it

Yeah...

Cunt

Aye aye they're taking Polonius off Played son!

Who's coming on?

Young Laertes

Come on lad! Get a grip of it!

Ooh gravediggers are warming up

Oh, shit

I can't believe it's gonna be the same result

Christ!

What?

Alas!

What?

It is the poisoned cup

It's too late!

Talkt about an own goal

Every bleeding time...

Oh... The rest is silence

Ah well. Who've we got next week?

Mmm... "The three sisters"

You'll never get to Moscow! You'll never get to Moscow!

We play for money?

That's the only way to play, Doc

Would do you like to do the honours, young man?

I will sir

Right... What's it to be than?

Knockout Whist

Knockout Whist?

I think not, Doc

Let's have a round of Slippery Jack

Excellent, sir, excellent

I'm afraid I don't have to play that one

You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?

Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack aye...

You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?

Allright, let's have a round of... Forty Card Drag

Good idea young man

1, 2, 3...

Forty Card Drag... Is that one it's a bit like poker?

Do you know any card game, Doc?

Yes. The Whist... Knockout Whist, Rummy, Pontoon...

Let's have a game of Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

Excellent, sir, excellent

I'll the sort through this...

Look, I don't have to play that one either!

Everyone knows Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

I don't

You do

I don't!

You do!

It's like a cross between Hoover and Eight Men Down

I don't know have to play those either

That's ok

We do stuff to explain the rules to you, Doc

It is very simple

Jack are worth 10, kings are worth 3

Apart from one-eyed jacks which're wildcards

Yes but we'll come to those in a minute

Round 1 we get a hand of 9, round 2 hand of 7

Twos're wildcards

But we'll come to those in a minute

Apart from diamonds, which retain their face value

Except the king of diamonds, obviously

Obviously

We play in sequence, unless you can match a pair or play a card in ascending or descending order

If you can, that's a Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

You stand up, pick up all the cards at the table and shout: "Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!"

The winner is the man with the most tricks after 15 hands

You'll pick all the rest as we play

Shall we say a pound a round?

Just one thing...

Are queens worth...12?

What queens?

Queens in the pack

The pack? Sorry, what's the 'pack'?

He means the deck

Doc, there are no queens

We play with the french pack

"Deck", my

A French deck, thank your editing

Thank you, young man

Right who's to lead?

That's you, Doc

Oh... I'm not really sure how to start

Well just put a card on the table

Come on!

A five!

You can�t lead with a five!

This is Go Johnny Go Go Go Go! not Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj!

Sorry

Start again

Very interesting, Mr Bond

Ace in the hole

Ten... (Sean Connery impression)

What?

Come on, Doc

What?

That's a Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

Is it?

You can't touch'em!

Why not?

You've got to say Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

After stand up first

and say: "Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!"

Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

But you had no named your pairs

What?

Name your pairs

You didn't say about naming pairs

You put down a five!

Yes?

If you put down a five you must have pairs

Why must I have pairs?

Because that's a Go Johnny Go Go Go Go!

Oh for god's s...

You can't look at'em!

Why, I'm supposed to remember them?

STOP IT!

Look: jacks worth 10, kings worth 3

Apart from one-eyed jacks witch...

Why can't we just play something simple?

And why do we only every play things that you two know the rules of?

It was like this when we were kids!

You use to put bets on bloody Hungry Hippos

Why can't we just play...the Hangman

...or something

Alright, Doc

Whatever you said, Doc

Hangman it is!

Hangman sounds good to me

I'm sorry

Sorry, Hangman

We play in canadian rules or italian?

Ok...Do we have a Pam Doove or Pamela Doove?

I'm Pam Doove

Hello!

How are you?

A bit nervous

Is it Pam or Pamela?

Pam, Pamela, whatever

- We stick to Pam, I know a Pamela - Fine

My name is Jed Bishop... I'm directing the play

What are you doing for us today?

I've got a Shakespeare or a modern

What's your modern?

It's "Top Girls"

Churchill mm... What's your Shakespeare?

Isabella's bleeding scene from "Measure for Measure"

Oh... I'd like to see that, please

Ok

An interesting one Mesure... I directed a production a couple of seasons back...

Oh no!

It's ok... We had a guy playing Isabella, a sort of kabuki thing

Tell me, what drew you to this piece in particular?

The language

Really good images within the text and I like the metre

Go on

Oh and I think these emotions in it

Yes, she's very pressed isn't she, Isabella?

Yes but I'd like that about to the fact

she's feeling all these different things

and yet she's a really calm person

and she menages to keep all...in

Good...

Good! Well, in your own time

Powerful stuff

Yes...

Tell me Pam...have you trained?

No

Saturday, 16 march 1912...

Oates would not give up hope to the very end

He was a brave soul

He said "I'm just going outside

and may be some time"

He walked though into the blizzard

and we have not seen him, since...

Sir?

Yes, Birdie?

Well... I know what've done for an everthing

Yes...

I was just wondering...

Mrs Scott, your wife

Kathleen

Yes

Do you... have any regrets?

I suppose I'd like to be the better husband to her

and a father to little Peter

I regret I should never again see her lovely face

No hear the sweet music of her laughs

Not anythin' else?

What do you mean?

Doesn't matter

I'm afraid uncle Bill ebbed Birdie

Do you think so, sir?

He hasn't moved for more that an hour

Good all Bill...

I wish now I never ask'm to come

He was the best!

You musn't blame yourself, sir. It's rotten luck that's all

Sir...

Mrs Scott again...

Yes?

What are her tits like?

I beg your pardon?

Nothing, sir!

I've heard quite distinctly

No it was the wrong thing to say! Ignore me, sir!

I'd should lissen to Amundsen

He told me to take more dogs

I said to him: "I'm going South, any advice?"

He said: "Con, dogs, dogs and dogs again"

- Sir, d'you ever brough you off with a hand? - Birdie!

I've been patient and tolerant, this's really beyond the pale

The thing is I've never known a woman in a fully sense

I've never had a tender female hand on my...

Well any hands for that matter!

What are you trying to say?

Well we're going to die, sir

The three of us! Three men in a tent!

Yes?

I just though...

Why don't we go out with a smile in our faces?

Bowers! This is unbelievable!

You think I've had such fate in you!

You've been such a brick, such a tire of strenght for the entire expedition

And now at the hour of ultimate trial you'll give into these...

...base unchristian desires?

I don't mind been the woman if that's...

That's no what I meant to do, right?

My wife's got a fanny like a bear trapped hat

Bill?

Go on, Con! The lad's got a point!

You do him I'll do you!

Oh, Bill!

Well, where's the harm?

No one need know

Or do you have to write everything down in the fucking diary of yours!

I do keep a diary, a secret diary! Would you like to hear some?

"march 4th: awoke today with a morning glory like a tend peg"

I remembered that day, I was just the same!

I could only get my trousers on!

I have to bang in on the bellend with a crowbar...

Awww!

Pull yourself together!

Bill, Birdie, for the sake of what we fellows've been through together

let at least die like English gentlemen

Please!

Alright Birdie I will do you first! But I get go before her!

Is this yours or mine?

It's "ours"

Come on, Russell... Don't talk like that

Like what?

Yours or mine?

You paid for it

Meaning?

It was a present, Robert

Well, you keep it then

I don't want it

Give it to your boyfriend

Haven't got a boyfriend

You did have...

Don't answer it!

I have to, I'm expecting someone

Who?

Tish

Oh shit, not her...!

Hello stranger!

God, you look awful!

Hi Robert, babes!

Come with a snugging time!

Lissen could I have a complete pain about my ciggy of you?

I've just been sitting on a bus for like half an hour

and I'm lying: gimme nicotine, gimme caffeine! Now please!

Oh cheers babe, you're a star

Tish, it's not a very good time

I'll bum you my backrolly when I'll got some skins

I've just been down to Camden market to buy this floppy felt hat'nd some crystals'nd shit

It's fab isn'it? I'm gonna wearing to Mardi Gras next year

you guys're gonna love it!

Close 28! Yeah!

Anyway, I'm sitting on the bus

and I start gain these really weard vibes

because I'm jewed to stop blobbing next week anyway

God I love gay guys!

You can actually talk about period and not feel guilty, yes!

Russell!

So I'm sitting there

And there's a guy next to me and he's like magicuteness

He was to die for!

You guys would have loved him!

Expecially you Robert, you're such a slot

Uh, text message from Scott and Ian! Eccellente!

Look I think I better be going

No...

Oh you have babes?

Ok darling, don't be a stranger

Oh and Robert, could Tish bum another ciggy off you please?

God I'm such a fag-hag

Here the all pack! I'll give up anyway

Oh main of generosity!

Cheers darling you're really as star

Come give Tish a big kiss'nd snuggle

Now give Russell a big kiss'nd snuggle

Ohh...They're so cute!

I love gay guys, I really do

Anyway Russel, I've decided to hand in my notes at work

The women're all bitches and the guys're bastards

apart from the gay guys, obviously

Eurgh, what you doing?

He's left me

Robert's left me. He's not coming back.

Darling!

Was he sleeping with someone else ?

I don't think so

Ohh you poor thing

I just get this

Hi Scott, babes

I'm gonna be late, round

Well I'm Russell's house and Robert's just left him!

I know, there such a dram'queen, I love her

What's that?

You are kidding me!

Scott slept with Robert three weeks ago!

Scott, what are you like?

I'm so jeal of you gay guys

you all sleep with eachother and there's no consequences.

Lissen babes, I'm gonna be out of here as quick as I can so

let's see at The Mixer in 20'

I want all the juicy goss, capisci?

Oh and Scott! I bought the hat

To die for!

Ok ciao for now babes, bye, bye, bye....

Yes bye, bye, bye...

Me think Russell need a big kiss'nd snuggle

No

Yes! Come on darling let it all out

I bet you in one week you'll slept with like 50 different men

I think you better go

No way, ozay!

Now you babes get youself into that kitchen

Gimme nicotine! Gimme caffeine!

Fetch 'our big fuck off box of tissues

and me and you is gonna sit ourselves down and have a girly girl talking, capisci?

I am not a girl!

I'm a man!

At least I've had a boyfriend which is more there's been said for you, stupid fucking shit!

I just love gay guys...

Right, we just come this way...

The entrance of this particular cave is quite low down so...

mind you don't bump your heads

Not a lot of people know that Stump Hole Cavern takes his name from the

cripple prostitute

who use to plied her trade here in the 17th century

If you look carefully up there

you can still see her tariff etched into the limestone... in soot

"Shoot thy muck 'pon my bristols and visage:

...a penny"

"Poop this shitter:

...a guinea"

"Like dogs:

...gratis"

Stick close behind me, mind the shale on this steps, it's quite slippy

We are part of much wider network of caverns that riddle the entire county

including the much larger Redscar Cavern located half a mile west

A trifle flashy for my taste, I have to say

with their gift shop, granary style cafeteria

and 100% safety record placed all over the promotion literature

But there you go.

Now we stay in single file we'll make our way into the main cavern

It's worth pointing out that Redscar was served with a council notice

ordering them to replace 115 yards of faulty wiring

Put it in this way: I wouldn't like to get caught down there in a thunderstorm

and no amount of trilobites in perspex or stegosaurus' shape pencil tops

is going to change that

This cavern may be familiar to you from its appearances on the small screen

En 1974 you couldn't move down here for Cybermen

In fact, in an amusing incident Tom Baker sprained his ankle on that rock there

This goes to show how easy the accidents happen

We've had all the celebrities here including the late Don Henderson of Bullman fame

The Chuckle Brothers

in an episode setting in Barry's secret lemonade factory

And Michael Buerk and the 999 team

It's at this stage of the tour I'd like to raise the subject of darkness

There's nothing quite like the darkness we get down in the caves

and to illustrate this we turn out all the lights for a few moments

I myself not fond of the darkness. I sleep with the lights on now

It's in the darkness I see the boy's face

eyes protruding

tongue out

black

If you look over here...

you'll see limestone formations for which Stump Hole is more famous...

Use to be more famous

And over the years lads have given them a variety of comical names

depending on what they mental look like

So here we have Santa Claus

his beard and sack

The Wombles!

You see how the sediment forms the brim of Orinoco's hat

the specimen jar

the toffee apple

and... Errol Flynn

This one over here, people say to me "Mick, it doesn't look like anything at all" but i don't know

when i look at it I seem to see a little pair of hands

clutching at a slippery, wet rope

sliding down into the black water

Sometimes I'll stand here for hours

...just looking at it

That concludes the main part of the tour, if you'll follow me

Michael Bird did say to me: "Mick, you can't go on blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault

But I don't know. Young kiddie like that

whole life ahead of him

"School trip tragedy, local man blamed"

Every day the same.

Parade of blank faces.

The constant drip drip from the cavern roof

The cold indifference of the ancien rock

But you keep going, don't you?

It's like the moss growing around that little light-bulb there

Life finds a way.

Look at that skein of iron oxide, you wouldn't find anything like that in Redscar

Remember the guide on your way out

'nk you

Hello Mrs. Hull!

Hello Tony! Julieeee!

Your boyfriend's here!

Come through Tony

This is Julie's dad

So they tell me... Hello Tony!

Alright?

Sit down Tony, she want be long now

Ehi!

Julieee!

So not be long now, Tony. She's like her mum, trying on every dress she's got

I wont take me long, I have got two dresses

Charlie won't buy me clothes!

She's lying Tony, I do buy her clothes

She doesn't cap' fit into anymore

He can talk cunty

You're going for them cigs at once?

Yes, in a minute

What are you up to tonight, Tony?

Oh just go for a meal ma'm

Hey you wanna go down Swiss, they do good meals now

Not going down Swiss! It's where he tooks our on honeymoon

He's a right dump!

No it's not, Tony. They've done it up since than

It's like a big ship now with shelves and nets...

And it stinks of fish!

We're going down that Luigi, d'you know him?

Oh, yes

His name is not Luigi, remember?

Do you want a beer, Tony? You can have one

Don't have it if you don't want one

Oh let the lad have a beer

Don't want to beer! You do have to get drunk to have good time dear, Tony?

You would if you're married to "that", Tony!

Aww she's lovely

You're joking, are you?

Charlie, if you want a beer just get one don't make a laid upon you, fat pig!

Shut up you, bastard!

- I just going check... - You fucking sit down!

Do anyth' frightened, you!

Stella!

What?

So are you working, Tony?

I'm at college

I bet you're brainy, What're you learnin'?

Modern languages

Do you follow football, Tony?

Speak a language

Who's your team?

No I don't really follow football

Did you do Spanish?

Un poquito

Un poquito! D'you like then Gipsy Kings!

'Cause you hear, dear, Tony?

Feel alright

I'm coming to live with you, you could be my toy-boy

Take it, Tony! You bloody welcome to her!

If you aren't going out with Julie, I can show you some things...

I've seen them, Tony. Don't make you seek

Julie won't know want to do!

Big, fat ass!

She's just a stupid little girl! She wears glasses!

I know!

- I could going to college, Tony - Don't lissen to him, Tony, he's a liar!

- She splat me dry! - Such a boring man!

Well look around you! She wants for announce!

We have no sex in months!

What can I do, Tony, I get tired

- You know I can't see colors?! - Make something happen, Tony!

- Please, Tony!- - Tony, please!

I'm going to get Julie

Excuse me

Don't end all-black like us, Tony, you're still young

Charlie's only 42, look at him...

...it's a joke

Where did these years go, Tony?

I've lost all years

We've never done now! You learn Spanish!

Mind our your good, son

Oh, Charlie... What we gonna do now?

Shall we go down Swiss?

Oh yeah

...and I've heard tell she'll soon own half the county!

I've learnt anything in my long years as majesty of this district, Mr.Fiztherbert

It's never to unrestimate Mr. Sarah Sheridan

True, true!

I say... Who's that fellow under?

There you've upon a mystery Mr. Peel. That is not other than Sir Quincy Styre

Styre?

Aye, the most infamous black guy all of London

I've heard tell he soon own half the county

Or the other half...

Yes

Sink me Fiztherbert! I don't like the cut of him

Not one jot

Let's see if we can rouse him from his contemplations

Take care, Peel!

- Take care - Take care

- Aye - Aye

It's not for nothing that Sir Quincy has a reputation to claim he is in league with the devil himself

Well...

devil or not...

...we shall see

To his majesty king James

may he live long...in exile

You not join me in a loyal toast, sir?

- I'm addressing you sir! - Have a care, Peel!

My loyalty's lying out square

Mr. Peel

You know me sir?

Better than you think

My friend meant no arm...

Thank you Fitzherbert! I am a racionalist. I'm not afraid to this gentlemen's dark reputation.

Racionalist? A man of science

A gentlemen should think more carefully before banding around such voguish terms

This's not vogue, sir! Think of Newton and Harvey. Circulation of the blood is an observed fact

Not the stuff of shadow and whimsy appealed by your kind

And where pray with your Mr. Newton's stand on the subject of the immortal soul?

These are dark waters, Frederick!

Newton'll tell you, as I do sir, that such childishness is best confined to the nursery

I see...

I wonder...are you a betting man Mr. Peel?

- I've been known as an occasional wager - Frederick, no!

Very well...Since you scoff of the notion of an immortal soul

you'll not objected to placing your own in azzard

Set against to this trifle, I will wage my entire Cornish State and 100 pound

- 100 pound? - Aye...

All that for my soul...why? This not wager it's like snatching a puppet from a babe

I'll do it

Excellent

What are we playing?

What know you...

...of Eight Men Down?

Nothing

What of Bamalama-Fizz-Vaj?

Bamalama...?

What should I say, even you must know Go Johnny Go Go Go!

No, sir!

You do. Jacks are worth 10, kings are worth 3

Apart from one-eyed jacks which're wildcards

But we'll come to those in a moment

Round 1 we get a hand of 9, round 2 hand of 7

Twos're wildcards

But we'll come to those in a moment

Would do you deal cards, young man?

I will sir!

Good evening, we are "Legz Akimbo" theatre company.

Thanks a lot!

Some of you may remember us from a couple of Christmases ago

We came here and we did "Pins and Needles"

It was a play about tramps on heroin.

But we�re back here today to perform my new piece

which is about a small girl growing up in the North

It�s called "Scumbelina"

and we�ll be performing that for you right here on the stage in a few minutes!

My name�s Oliver Plimsoles by the way

I�ll get all your names in a minute coz there are far to many of you

A lot of my friends did turn to me and say "Ollie, what are you doing writing a play about the North,

you�re from - Chiswick."

I said to her: "Sue, for years, writers have sat on their fat arses getting rich, writing lies about real, Northern people.

I want to do that too"

Very exciting time for the company, first time I've written a play for adults.

I'm not standing up here today as teacher

You know, I'm not "Sir"

I'm not "mum"

I'm not "dad"

I'm Ollie Plimsolls and...

I'm not gonna patronise you. "Patronise" means "to talk down to you".

There�s a little girl with a round face there if got something to say pop your hand in the air, we�d all love to hear it.

There�s obviously something frightfully funny going on down there, d�you want to share it with the rest of the group?

I�d love to know what the joke is!

I�d love to be as funny as you!

I�d love to be as popular as you!

Oh please let me learn from you

Oh, it�s not nice being bullied is it? Maybe don�t! Oh, we�re nearly there, OK.

Sit back and enjoy "Scumbelina"

Which I wrote...

Got me bird comin�!

Comin� around!

Comin� to see me!

Nice tits...

Sound!

Out to�t boozer...

Out on�t razz!

Down to�t night-club...

- Hair! - Shave! - Tie!

Why?

Why?

Parky out

Parky in

Parky out

Parky in

Parky in

Parky out

Where you goin�?

Mind your own stink.

Oh, mind your stink.

Mind your stink. Stink, stink, stinking skint, skint.

As I am...

Oh poverty. Poor. Poverosity.

That�s right ma. No bastard listens to�t voice of the�t little person.

Not here in�t dump.

But why don�t you? Can�t, or won�t?

There�s poetry in our voices only it don�t come out right.

Poverty is poetry with an extra "V"

Only nowt rhymes whi�it.

Haah, but you�re all welcome.

Quick, get the fire lit, Ma, faither�s home.

Has ye fetched t�coal in, luv?

Fuck a duck!

Aye, no! Me duck�s fucked, me duck�s fucked off.

Fucked off, mucked off, more like.

Mucked off wi� my luck.

England�s a duck.

England�s an old duck in the lake. She wants to fly...

But she never can do.

They�re always a�clippin�, a�flippin� a�clippin� her wings.

She sings.

I preferred them days.

Not these days, sleaze days, them days, them lazy hazy gazy days.

Not these, cold, old, no soul.

Can I do a speech?

Can I?

I will then.

Taps. Big taps on me bath, rusting away...

Like the country?

Country? Cunt tree more like.

Resting, rusting away like the taps on Ma�s big bath.

Big, brown, bleach-burning bath.

I want the taps to work.

I want me man to work.

I want work for me man but there in�t none. Not here in�t Narth.

Not here in�t Naarth.

Not here in�t Naarth.

Kendal.

You know me?

North! Blast off, blow off, let off steam

Iron and steel magnolias, only as old as you feel, licks the cat weasel

pop goes the top of the range Grange Hill,

why won�t you speak to me Rowland of hope and glory

Hallelujah chorus-and them, us and them, us and them.

Them who made us this way?

Who made us this way? Who?

Jim Cartwright.

Willy Russel.

John fucking Godber.

Cartwright, Russel, fucking Godber...

They can�t write!

I've a feeling we're not in Royston Vasey anymore

Indeed

Are we in heaven, Edward?

I don't think so, Tubbs

Remember I told you heaven was like Swansea

Yes

Well this, is the other place

- You mean...? - Yes

London!

Is London a local place for local people?

No, Tubbs!

London is a town of strangers

Wormy youth that drink all day and root all night

Sounds nice

Can we stay for a weekend?

I want to see "Les Mis"

Silence!

If we want to enter to the kingdom of Swansea

we must leave this place at once

But there're so many of them, Edward!

One, two, three, five, twelfty, six, ten...

L�nes'nd lines'nd lines...

We'll never kill them all

We musn't kill them. Not yet anyway.

First we must redeem ourselves

Edward, I told you to go before we left the shop

To find redemption we must return to Royston Vasey and atone for our sins

But how will we get there?

Click your moonboots together 3 times

And repeat after me:

"I can I can't!"

I can I cant I can I cant I can I cant!

That's it Tubbs. Keep going.

Will be home soon

Ladies and gentlemen

The management regrets to announce that the Gran Chavelle,

the world foremost animal magician,

is unable to be here tonight as advertised

However our last minutes replacement has been found

Hello!

I'd like to thank the management for giving me this opportunity to demonstrate by prestidigitation

This is not my day job although it's always gone down very well with my clients

In fact I've lost count of the number of them who say to me

"Mr. Chinnery, I would sure you're a magician..."

"... and not a vet"

Please join me now as we enter a world of mistery

Oh dear, oh dear

Is there a vet in the house?

Ohi! What have you, Mike?

Just a coke, please Geoff...

Ehi?

Another lager...

Ohi! Three bluebirds!

He's bloody deaf, him!

You know what they say Geoff...

What?

Ehi?

I can't hear you!

I said "Bummers are deaf"

Yes good one that!

It is! I fell for it at all

Eh, Bri, tell Mike "Mau Mau"

You what?

Yeah, that one about the Mau Mau

Uh I can't remember that Geoff, you tell him.

Oh you can. Danny Taurus told us this joke at the gun club

It's the funniest bloody joke, tell him Bri

- Me? - Yes go on

Alright. Ehh... There's these 3 fellows

Yes, Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman

Yes, Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman. They get lost in...the desert

No... jungle

Is it?

Yeah go on.

Ok they get lost in the jungle and get killed by these cannibals

Not yet! You missed the whole bloody joke, you idiot!

I can't remember it Geoff, you tell him

No, you can!

It's alright, I'm not bothered, actually...

Sit down!

Ehi?

Sit down!

He's telling a joke

Just think what the end is, and go back

- Right. There's an Englishman... - Fruit.

What?

It's the fruit!

- He remembers it now!

They've to go into the jungle and pick 10 pieces of fruit and bring them back

so they come back and the chief says: "So Englishman..."

Do the voice.

The chief says: "Now you must choose between death or Mau Mau"

The Englishman says: "We don't bow you, savage, I'll choose Mau Mau"

So they grab him and stick the 10 pieces of fruits up his arse

Yeah and what did he pick?

The Englishman chose cherries!

Cherries! Imagine that! 10 cherries stump of your arse! They're very small though are they?

Go on Brian!

The chief takes the Scotsman and says "Death or Mau Mau"

Scotsman says Mau Mau... Mmmm

What's the Scotsman's fruit Geoff? Is it bananas?

No, no, no, smaller than nuts. Just a sec

- We just should say bananas... - No, it's too big, it spoils the next one!

- Apples? - No!

Strawberries?

What? In the jungle?

No, just think what it is for a minute

Hey, Brian, why are there no aspirins in the jungle?

Don't know.

Cause the parrots eat 'em all.

I'd have said "paracetamol"

Either way, I think it worked

Is it anyth' of Pam and Barry Swift?

Oh god no, not in ages...

Plums!

What?

They're plums, come on!

Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now

Course it fucking matters

He's near the end

There's only the Irishman left, come on Brian

Chief tells to the Irishman, "Death or Mau Mau"

You didn't do the voice.

Don't matter!

- Finish it! - I can't remember.

- Finish it! - I can't remember.

Please!

Geoff! I honestly can't remember.

It's just a big fucking joke to you, isn't it?

Innit, Geoff can't tell a joke, Geoff is a joke

Geoff enters a talent competition and loses

My mum said I would win.

I was only 8!

You know I've got this gun, don't you?!

You...

...you're going to tell this joke

and we're all going to laugh!

Or else he gets it!

Geoff, alright! I'll finish the joke! Jesus!

The chief turns to the Irishman and says "Death or Mau mau"

- And the Irishman looks at his fruits... - Pineapples! Look his pineapples!

- Pineapples - Pineapples!

He look at his pineapples and says: "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau. I'll choose death."

And the chief says to him...

Get it right Brian!

The chief says to the Irishman...

Oh, god I can't remember

He says:...

..."Death by Mau Mau"

- Have you heard it? - Yes

It's good, do it?

Hoy! Three bluebirds!

Guten abend kinder!

What a warm entry!

Guten Abend Kinder, willkommen in England

Hi! Welcome to England!

My name is Herr Lipp

Und I may enjoy you to this exchange with it to the capital city of London

Oh, danke sch�n

Now as you may know, we all be sleeping with some families in London

And wherever possible I've tried to made boys sleep with boys

and the other ones sleep with the other ones

This just taste better in my eyes

I myself will be renting for most of the week

I've found a very nice little cottage

where I can get my head down without been disturbed

If any of you know of any better erections in London

don't esitate to let me know, I'm not fussy where I put myself

Alles klaar?

Gut, alles klar

Now

To make love with you this evening

I though we can learn some traditional English games

which is gonna be a real kitcha

There are many exiting English games, for example...

"Hop cock",

"British bull dykes",

"Stick your tail in a donkey"

to name just of 3

But tonight, kinder, we'll going to learn rules to "Blind man's poof"

Of course for this I need to find a boy to play with

Just going to creep among you if I can finger a boy

Don't look so nervous I don't bite

I may suck, but I don't bite

What's this a boy or a girl?

Sorry the mustaches threw me

What is your name?

Nick

Nick! Big applause for Nick please!

Now, don't be nervous, Nick

I met a boy come on stage last night

Please I can assure you by the end you'll be lap it up

What's in that, that's so interesting?

Ok, please

Ok, Nick

We need to decide for the game to begin, Nick has to be the poof or the blind man

What do you think boys'nd girls?

Do they know something I don't know?

Ok, I think perhaps because Nick is a vergin

that I should be the poof

Ok Nick, turn your back to me please

Don't flatter yourself, Nick

I'm just going to tie you up now

Stop wriggling!

As I do this, I willl explain the rules to you

but I warned you now i do have a tendency to gobble.

It's allrigh you can pull out any time

You'll enjoy it so much more if you hold still!

Lissen Nick. The game begins when you creep around the room and try to catch somebody

when you have them you must entertain whether they're a male member or a femidom

I'm going to give you a lttle clue if you hold out your hand

Lower please I'm older that you

I'm just having difficult to get it in up!

Come on boys'nd girl I'm sure you've seen one of these before

I know it's a big one and it smells funny

But I can assure you Nick, it tastes very nice

If you can tell me who this is

Come on, Nick, squeeze it!

Any ideas?

If it helps you I can peel back the skin at the end

Any ideas Nick, who do you think that is?

The Queen of Duisburg! As well known as...

Herr Lipp, is the right answer!

Big round of applause for Nick please

Thank you, Nick

Nick... Now, now, now, you can take your sit back in the audience or...

...come back stage for some Duisburg coffe

It's totally up to you

I'll sit down

It's your lost

Nick, boys'nd girls! Thank you to Nick! It's Nick!

Sometimes I get a boy upon the stage and find it impossible to pull him off

Although I usually menage it

That's all for me! Enjoy the rest of your evening, sleep tight and remember:

don't let the bedbugs bite you!

Oh, hello Mrs Levinson!

I was just polishing your knockers

Bills, bills, bills...Visa, Amex, Diners Club Gold...

Don't you just dread the foothold of the postman?

Is that the one in where Jack Nicholson does make him in table?

Sort through this, would you Iris?

Yes, Mrs. Levinson

What's these 950 pounds?

Of course! Eddie and I went to Convent Garden last month. Do you like opera, Iris?

Can't stick her. We prefer Kilroy.

I've got them all on cds of course: Wagner, Strauss, Three Tenores

For 2 cds? They are like robbery

My favourite is "Der Rosenkavalier"

Oh now Ron loves that one!

What?

But we trade it ours for an Escort so...

Isn't culture a wonderful thing, Iris? More we learn more we are enriched

You can glean so much from the telly box these days if you have a dish. Do you get Uk Gold?

No, we like stock

When Eddie and I first married he turn ...

- Time's up - That was never an hour

That's what you always say, lady

Coat!

Very well! But be careful with it

It's very expensive

I know...

Sort through those, would you, Judee?

Yes, Mrs. Krell

Bills, bills, bills; don't you just dread the foothold of the postman?

These're nice panties Mrs. Krell!

Do you think so? Ronnie got me them in Par�s

I won't get expensive briefs

You should deserve it from time to time

No it's just I get through that many pairs, Eddie pulling at them with his big fingers

Well I must get ready for the bridge evening

I've given up wearing anything in bed. There's no point with Eddie's libido.

He's like a lad of 19 sometimes!

I expect it's quite a house actually

5, 6 times a night, and the mornings...

Yes, when Ronnie and I we first married...

It's always been like that for us, just gets better and better

He has me doing stuffs that would make a whore blush

Sometimes I wear nothing but a kimono around the house

This way, that way, some of it barely legal.

I'm lying there thinking: "Will this pleasure never end?"

She's back!

Christ! She's gonna catch us one day

'Evening, Mrs. Levinson!

Oh god I'm sick of this we have to tell her, you know

- What? That we pretend this is our house? - No...

- Not that my husband is really dead? - No!

- Not that we're really mother and daughter? - No

No. That we're both men

Oh, dad!

Come here, son!

Okey Pokey, pig in a pokey!

Good evening, job seekers!

My god, I've never seem so much dole scum under one roof before.

Has no one got a job in is freaking place?

No, you're all too busy flicking yourselves off to Ann Robinson eh?

I thought so...

Right, before we begin, has everyone got a pen?

No, we don't get pens to people like you, it's not safe

A quick word about Pauline's pens, they're like gold or---

The victim's name was Pauline Campbell-Jones

Occupation: restart officer

The victim had no family and in a will left everything to her pens

After the initial investigation, a prime suspect emerged

Please, state your name

Ross Gaines

Can you decribe to us your relationship with Miss Campbell-Jones?

Yes, I hated her

Can you think of anyone who would wanted to kill her?

I can't think anyone who wouldn't

She was an evil woman

I remember one time we were doing a role play exercise about interview technique

She asked me to inteview her for an imaginary job

You can be as hard as you like, Ross! I won't get crossed

In your own time

So, you're interested in this trolley job

That is right, I'm very interested, yes

I feel that my ability to work well as part of a team

and yet take individual responsabilities

are important factors in a job of this nature

What work experience have you had?

I left school early and starting to--

You didn't go to college?

No, I feel the touch of work experience...

You have no qualifications

Well if you don't count 20 years in Employment Service

No, I'm talking about academic achievement: degrees, diplomas...

Come off it Ross! Shoving trolleys round the ASDA car park?

Fucking monkey could do it!

Whould you say you're a fairly egregious person?

What?

Are you an egregious person? Do you have an egregious personality?

Yes, yes I do, yes

Right. I'm gonna say some words to you, I want you to reply with the first that come into your head, right?

Right, yes

Home

Royston Vasey

Family

Dead

Friends

Pens

Friends!?

Pens!

They're the best friends you can have!

Everything I know about people I've learned from pens

If they don't work, you shake'em

If they still don't work you chuck'em away. Bin'em!

Really? Work

Everything

Mm?

My work is everything to me

Love

No

So, you're never married?

No...

There was somebody once...

Can i get your age, Pauline

I think that's a lady's prerogative...

I need how old you are for these records

Let's just say I'm as old as than me gums and a little bit older than...

- How old are you? - 48!

Ok, thank you for coming to see us today!

Thank you very much, when do I start?

I'm sorry, I can't offer you this position

You what?

Well...you failed the interview

You strike me as a bully. You're ill-mannered,

Ignorant, foul mouthed, you're not qualified for this job

and apart from anything else...

You're too old!

Miss!

Sorry

But I...

Good! Thank's very much Ross, would you want to take your place

Yes, I think Ross handled that situation very well, job seekers

Although it did made me wonder

how well he'd handle a situation that was a bit more like this!

A bully, am I?

Foul fucking mouthed?

You'll eat those words! Egregious, egregious Is it what it means?

Is it egregious enough for you?

Stop it, Pauline!

Stop it, you nutter!

The Gaines story led us to the second suspect

Someone who had known Pauline for longer than anyone

Having been on the dole since the age of 12

Please, state your name

My name is Mickey

Did you know the deceased well?

Is that a pub?

How well did you know Miss Campbell-Jones?

She was kind to me, she bought me a tuna sandwich

Did she ever do anything else that you tough was kind?

Not really. Sometimes she made me feel... stupid

Pauline, Pauline!

Not yet, Mickey love! I'm busy

Right, job seekers! Who can tell me what C.V. stands for?

No, Mr. Wadilove, it's not Church of England

Pauline!

What is it Mickey?

I've got an interview

You an interview? Don't make me laugh!

What is for? Scarecrow?

No, fireman!

Fireman, eh?

Are you going to show us your pipe?

That was a joke, Mickey love

Smells bad of that area where it is

Excuse me?

Where do you think you're going?

Interview?

I'm sorry, Mickey love but I can't let you go

Why?

Because we do not covered interview technique to next monday forenight

As well you know...

You've done this course 62 times already

63

What's going happen to me if you all get jobs before the end of this course?

On the dole!

Exactly! I'd be sat down here, with this lot stinking of shit!

Please let me go, Pauline. I feel confident

Well you look ridiculous!

Show me your helmet

The one on your head!

Oh what's this now! Dick fucking Wittington?

You'll be wanted to see men dressed up as women next!

That's what chances you've got to become a fireman...

a big, fat zero

Now sit down, play with your crayons

and wont let you know no more about it

The rest of you, to light in the mood a little bit we're going to play a game I've invented, called 'Shopper Scrounger'

A third final suspect arrived in the shape of a fat woman

State your name please, madam

Miss!

Cathy Carter-Smith!

Occupation?

Restart officer. I was assigned to take over from Pauline...um, the victim

And how did she react to this news?

I think she took it quite well.

Piss off you big fat cunt!

Pauline, why can't you disaccept you're finished?

Fuck you Ann Widdecombe!

And leave my pens alone, please

Your pens, you make me laugh!

Go nock, pens!

You are a relic woman!

Get yourself to the fucking museum and clean the bastard bins on yer way oot!

This is the futur! Computer disks!

Don't you wave your floppies in my face, lady

or I'll show in'em when the sun don't shine!

- You know what your heading, don't you? - No

Prison!

Ooh... Do I look like Deidre Rachid?

Yes!

I've seen this before and in this job, it hates women like you

I don't have to listen to anymore of these shits!

And no, you did! Piss off!

Think a fucking will...

Ehm...just what do you mean exactly...

..."women like me"?

You know what I mean

I told you was Dick fucking Whittington, didn't I?

You harder snail in the outside but inside you're just a pussycat!

Use a pen on me! Use a pen on me!

It was horrible!

Like two big fat white baloons bag in a bowl

And now it's just Pauline

How does that make you feel, Mickey? Angry? Dejected?

Sick, mainly

I thought that she loved me... but she did not.

Where did you get the gun?

I borrowed from my uncle Geoff. Told him it was for hunting squirrels, so he said "Alright"

Have you heard of a "crime passionel"?

Is it a cake?

No, it is a crime of passion

Ladies'nd gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that this poor bastard is no more capable of murder than you or I

Especially with malice aforethought

Who's she?

His only crime was to have loved too much

A crime of which the victim was all too innocent

The defendant maybe is simple, backward, retarded even

But his very pores sweep with innocence

...and pus

Ladies'nd gentlemen of the jury, do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty?

Hello, Royston Vasey 444244

Hello Deborah! Has he been any news?

What did the lawyer say?

It's a cake, isn't it?

Have they reached a verdict yet?

Oh, Deborah, that's fantastic! I'm so pleased!

He'll be home in time to watch "The Weakest Link"

Yes, I took myself off to that too

Lissen Deborah, you give him a big hug for me and tell him I always knew they'll find him innocent

Just a sec Deborah, that's the door. Don't hung up, I will be in a moment

Yes?

Hello, Dave!

- I'm sorry? - Is that Dave?

- No, you've got the wrong house - Ok Dave, is Dave there?

No, there's no one called Dave here.

Ok, Dave

Dave, my wife would like to use your toilet

No, I really don't think...

Don't worry, she won't go in the sink again... Hello Dave?

Wanna buy some pegs, Dave?

I'm sorry?

I got some pegs belonging to you

No, I'm alright for pegs, thank you

- Is your wife...? - My wife.

Yes, is she...

Don't worry about her, she won't be long. Sit down if you like

Look: there's been a misunderstanding, you're in the wrong house!

Dave, my wife tells me there is a block in your toilet

No there isn't!

There is now...

Get sat down, my will begin the reading.

I've nothing against you, travelling people but you're intruding on my property.

I''m going to have to ask you to leave!

You're not Dave!

Yes I know, this is what I've been trying to tell you!

It's ok Dave, my wife will continue to read your fortune but you must cross her palm with silver

I haven't got any silver!

Ow! That's my wedding ring!

This is just a saga now...

I'm going to toilet, Dave

but I'll be back in a moment.

Please help me! He thinks I'm his wife!

- What? - He made me go with him, help me!

- Who is he? - I don't know! He came to my house!

But you speak to him that language!

I make it up! It's gibberish!

He's coming back. Please do as he says, he's a very dangerous man

He sticks pipes in you

My wife was right,

there is a block in your toilet.

But I've fixed it now

- Thank you.. - That's ok.

Dave!

Yes?

Of course you can! We would love you to join us!

You're my wife now...

Good evening ladies and gentlemen

Welcome to "It's Bernice"

We all know there'a a lot of suffering in the world

as an agony aunt I often get asked to try and help ease it

I like to think of myself as the Betnovate

rubbed down the hands of people day to day suffering

Now if you anything like me you can often be found

standing in the street laughing at these very disabled

But I wanted to rein those instincts in tonight

as we meet my special guest Pam Austwick

who suffers from a terrible condition

it must make her life a living hell

I'm talking of course about tonight deseasing focus

Please welcome upon the stage...

...morbid obesity

Here we go...

Get your breath back, love

Get it back and tell us:

have you always been such a big woman?

Well Bernice, this is the funny thing, I got 2 sisters thin as you like

You put them next to me at Christmas it's like 2 matchmakers and a cream egg

So it's not hereditary disorder

No, the doctor said it's glandular

As if!

I mean, it's mumbo-jumbo a lot of the time

What do you think is the matter with you?

I think I can trace it back to when my mum died

Pam, you poor thing

We was very close, you see

when mum went created this big gap in me life

I think I'll try to fill that gap

by eating

I understand. You're a very brave lady, Pam

you've shown a lot of gods just coming on

Thank you, Bernice

You're welcome

It's an important subject that poses a lot of questions

I'm sure there's a particular question had going to the audience's mind and mine too

and that is:

how on earth do you wipe your bum?

I'm sorry?

I imagine you've troubles getting one cheek on the seat

never mind both at the same time!

what do you do, get your knickers on prescription?

Carry on

One of the key aspect of morbid obesity...

or "gluttony"

We don't like to call it there

Well, "greed" then

No, because is no longer connecting to other big I am

Is there a fat woman as size as you?

You're not telling me you'll live on skim milk and Ryvita?!

I'm on a strictly controlled diet...

That consisted in what? Large sandwiches'nd fried chocolate cakes?

Obesity is primarly an emotional condition

No, it's primarly an over eating condition!

Stuff in your face every hour, God sense

eating margarina on the top with a big wooden spoon

Morbid ob-

I lost my mother, didn't make me waddle through life with tin laddle in a hand, ice cream scoop in the other

Morbid obesity... Did I give it a special name?

Yeah fat woman, fat!

You want to lose weight, stop eating!

Anyway I'll put all in fact sheet

Join me next week with obsessive compulsive disorders

Lord knows where to find them

Good evening, rock fans

Pickwick Records is proud to present

fresh from signing a million dollars contract

and at a start of what we know will be a glittering solo career

Singing the single "Tie Wakka Wakka Pumpkin Face"

Tonight, making his solo debut, formerly Cr�me Brul�e

Is... Les Mcqueen!

Well Tubbs, here we are

Yes, here we are

The shop looks so beautiful in the moonlight

What is it Tubbs?

I just had the strangest feeling

like someone walking over my grave

Look!

What?

There's a light on in the shop!

There's someone inside

Come on Tubbs, we'll soon put a stop to this

Careful Edward, it may be a trap

That's true...

You go first

Yes?

Sorry, are you open?

Yes!

Can I help you at all?

I hope so. I'm bringing some research for a book I'm writing, it's history

Local history?

Yes and I want to know if you have any memories

Yes, I've got two

Not for sale!

You misunderstand me, dear lady

I'm trying to find out about this shop

What can you tell me about it?

This is a local shop

Yes

Well, do elaborate

Ablablabl�?

E-la-bo-rate

E-blablabl�!

Yes. I heard there was a fire

Yes, the man and lady who lived here before were burnt

Awesome

Yes, him as well

Apparently the police found traces of petrol, do you know anything about that?

Oh that could be my husband, Edward.

You see, he was bursting to redeem himself

Hello hello, what's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll no trouble here!

This man's writing a history

Local history?

Yes, your wife's just about to share her memories with me

Bitch! Did he pinch them?

No, but he wanted to...

A breast-pincher, eh?

"Mr. Tittytouch"

Getting warm by finger nipples women'?

Come across your type before in the forces

You wont get far!

Edward and Tubbs Tattsyrup

They died in the fire along with their son David

What can you tell me about them?

Were good people. Loving, local people

Their only crime was to resist change

They didn't like change

We didn't even gift change

We?

Strangers would come to the town

to the shop

Young, most of them

in gangs of one or two!

They wanted to browse, to finger the things

My precious things...

They'll offered us money in return for goods

Well, you are a shop!

Yes a local shop!

Selling local goods to local people!

We don't bothered the outside world

we don't want it bothering us!

Edward!

The local shop stood this sight for generations

reduced to ashes by ignorance and fear of snoopy breast-pinchers like you

Prepare to die, stranger

- No Edward! - Tubbs!

No more...

Hasn't been enough killing for one lifetime?

But he's not local!

It doesn't matter

What?!

Don't you see, Edward?

If you live in London, you're local to London

If you live in Plymouth, you're local to Plymouth

Everybody's local...to somewhere

Get out of my way Tubbs or, so help me God, I will shoot you

You said we've to redeem ourselves, Edward

This is our chance

let the man go, Edward

let it all...go

Tubbs, I'm so tired...

You've chosen wisely!

And now you've earn the right to enter the kingdom of Swansea

Who are you?

Oh, I have many names. Some calls me Jehovah, some Muhammad, some...

...Mr. Tittytouch?

If you like

I knew that I had to test you to see if you were fulled redeemed

and now you have atoned for your sins

you can spend eternity in my kingdom

Come! Join us!

Oh, Edward, it's beautiful!

David's here, he's loving

Join us!

Sorry, Edward. There's nothing for you here

Noooooooo!

Tuuuuubsssssss!

Please, don't leave meeeee!