Original subtitles

So,

while they re-paint the lines

in the parking lot,

we're asking everyone

to do street parking.

I'm not street

parking my Mercedes.

Well, everyone is.

I'm doing it.

'Cause nobody wants

to steal a Saturn.

All right,

moving on to recycling.

You okay, Ron?

Just a little tooth pain.

I'm fine. Continue.

Okay, each department

will be getting blue bins...

Do you need to go

to the dentist, Ron?

I don't like dentists.

Just a second.

Hey.

No, no. No!

No, no, no, no!

Oh!

What the?

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry, everybody.

What were we talking about?

Recycling?

Dentist pulled

the tooth out yesterday.

But it's always a good idea

to demonstrate

to your co-workers

that you are

capable of withstanding

a tremendous amount of pain.

Plus, it's always

fun to see Tom faint.

Attention, everybody!

Everybody, listen up.

You are all officially invited

to a dinner party,

7:00 p.m. tonight at our home,

which is officially

my friend Burly's home,

because I don't have a home.

That's it.

There's no more left.

Give it to him.

We've been dating

for almost a month,

so we just

decided that we wanted

to do something special.

And dinner parties

do combine two of

our favorite things,

dinner and parties.

Parties.

Yeah.

It's like if you

could have a Xbox pancake.

Your invitations

include requests

for each of you

to bring stuff,

'cause we don't

have a whole lot.

Don't be late.

Watch out.

"Dearest Tom,

please bring silverware."

"Please bring cooked steak."

This is ridiculous.

They're young.

They're in love.

They're ready to

show it to the world.

It's very sweet.

And we're all going.

What?

There's a boy's sale

at Dillard's today.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

You going tonight?

Yeah. Apparently they want me

to bring Avatar,

and 50 pairs of 3-D glasses,

and a 3-D-capable television.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Well, I will see you there,

with all of those things.

I was actually

coming to see you.

I wanted your

advice on something.

Oh, yeah?

My boss in Indianapolis,

he wants me back on

the road in a week.

But then this morning,

Chris offered me a job

to stay here in

Pawnee and work for him.

Do you wanna do that?

Well, I don't know.

I've been

moving around so much

the past few years.

It might be nice to stay

in one place for a while.

What do you think?

Well, this is a great city.

You know,

it's definitely the best city

in Indiana,

probably America,

possibly the world.

Sure.

But on the other hand,

you've put in 12 years

with the state government.

So you think I

should say no to Chris

and head back to

Indianapolis or...

It's a tough call.

You know what I would do?

You should make

a pros and cons list.

That always works for me.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, maybe I'll do that.

Excellent.

Nice talking to you.

Good stuff. Okay.

Yeah.

So how does this work?

All right, you just

fill out your name tag,

and you're all set.

Okay.

But I mean, do I just go up

and talk to anyone,

or do I wait for them

to talk to me, or...

Are you asking me

how to flirt with men?

Okay. All right.

It's a whole new Ann Perkins.

I'm putting myself out there,

meeting some new people,

having some casual fun,

and it is awkward.

Gayle went out

and got me this

new party shirt.

So be honest,

what do you guys think?

You know what, Jerry?

I make fun of you a lot,

but credit

where credit is due.

You know, I like how the...

Damn it. I was so close.

It's a terrible shirt.

Hey, guys.

Okay, everybody listen up.

April's friend Orin is here.

He's very intense

and very weird.

So if you end up

talking to him,

just make sure

you don't reveal

anything personal

about yourself.

Hey, gang.

Hey.

What'd you bring?

I was in charge of the cake.

To be fair,

it's not a cake so much

as it is a vegetable loaf.

You got your mushrooms,

your alfalfa sprouts,

your spinach,

and I had it sweetened

with fruit reduction.

But did they

ask you to bring

a vegetable loaf or a cake?

No, a cake, but this

is so much healthier.

So not only does

this thing exist,

but now you have

deprived everyone of cake.

Take a walk, Ron.

Yep.

Donna. Oh, my God.

I am so excited

to see you here.

These things are horrible

when you're by yourself.

What?

Do you know where

you are right now?

We're in the jungle.

There are no friends here.

It's every woman for herself.

You're joking, right?

Do I look like I'm joking?

Dating is a zero-sum game.

If you get a man,

I don't get that man.

I'm here because of

advice that you gave me

to be more

adventurous in my life.

Here's some more advice.

Beat it.

Hey.

Ben, heard you

might be leaving Pawnee.

I don't know.

I'm thinking about it.

Well, you are a huge nerd.

But I'd be sorry

to see you go, man.

Thanks, Tom.

Okay, this party

needs a little help.

I'll be right back.

So are you going on, like,

a year-long walking tour

of the set of

The Lord of the Rings

in New Zealand?

To be honest with you,

I wasn't a fan

of Peter Jackson's

interpretation.

So you can put that one away.

Andy, I think you maybe

should put some more food out.

Totally agree.

Just firing up

the Bagel Bites now.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

What do you think?

April, you're not

supposed to let me see you.

No, come on.

You have to look.

This is important.

You have to tell

me if I look good.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Uh... It's supposed to

be a big surprise.

But tonight,

me and April

are getting married.

To each other.

Is April pregnant?

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

Yes?

No.

Are you sick?

Are you terminal?

Is it like that

movie A Walk to Remember?

Yes.

What?

No. God.

Oh, God.

Why are you doing this?

Why is this great

thing happening?

Well, I mean,

it's actually

a really funny story.

We were hanging out.

And suddenly, I was like,

"What if we got

married tomorrow?"

And she was like...

"Fine."

She's like, "Fine."

That is a great story.

But you guys haven't

been together very long,

and you have no place to live.

We've been

together long enough,

and we'll find

a place to live.

Yeah.

Like, a house or,

like, a condo or something.

Probably a condo.

You can't just get a condo.

No, you're right. House.

I love Andy

and April as a couple.

I want them to

stay together forever.

But relationships

need planning.

You just can't jump

into something

without thinking.

It took me four years

to find the right hairdresser,

and we still

fight all the time!

Andy and April are

gonna surprise people

with a secret ceremony.

Whoa. Secret wedding.

Julia Roberts

pulled the same move.

Is that that toothy

girl from Mystic Pizza?

Ron, please, I need you

to help me knock

some sense into them.

It's not really my place.

Or yours.

Hi. I'm Ann.

Brian.

What's your occupation?

I'm a manager at

a sporting-goods store.

No way. Me, too.

Seriously? Which one?

No, I'm not.

I was just ribbing you.

What are you drinking?

Yeah.

What?

Oh, I don't know.

I couldn't hear you.

So you just

laughed and said, "Yeah"?

Yeah.

Excuse us.

That was the worst

thing I've ever seen

in my life.

Did you grow up in the woods?

Are you Nell

from the movie Nell?

I told you I'm rusty.

All right, come with me.

Hey, Andy.

Yeah.

I know what's going down,

and I'm so happy for you guys.

Thank you, Tom.

Hey, something

just occurred to me.

Can I be your best man?

Yeah, dude, totally.

Thank you.

My best man.

Best man!

One of my life goals

is to be a best man.

It's a baller position.

You get drunk.

You make speeches.

And you make love

to the prettiest bridesmaid,

usually standing, from behind.

Look, I know

that I cannot

tell you what to do.

I know it doesn't work,

from all the times I've tried

to tell you what to do before.

But you know

what would be fun?

Maybe we should make

a pros and cons list.

Let me take you home,

and then we'll go

do that together.

It'll be a blast.

Leslie, relax.

You relax.

You relax all the way

home and get into bed.

You need to go to bed.

April.

Girl talk.

Hey, what's your middle name?

The justice of

the peace lady needs to know.

You don't know each

other's middle names?

I don't wanna say it out loud.

Ew.

Shut up.

Roberta!

Such a loser.

Can't believe

I'm marrying him.

You don't have to.

I'm going to.

And then I'm

gonna divorce him.

Then I'm gonna

marry him again.

One time, I fell madly in love

with a Civil War reenactor

that I had only

known for six hours.

And then I found out

he wore those clothes

all the time.

And he was married.

But the clothes

thing really bothered me.

You always wanna

scribble the name.

Make 'em read.

Draw them in.

Make 'em work for it.

Right.

Two shots of Jameson.

Don't make too

much eye contact.

You wanna seem available,

but not too available.

Oh, thanks.

I think I'm good for now.

I'm not gonna...

Yeah.

All right.

Let's do this.

Ron, you are so amazing

with me and April, stuff.

I love you, man.

Would you be one

of my best men?

I'd be honored to, son.

Chris,

you helped me get April back.

Would you be my best man?

Nothing else in my entire life

would make me

happier as long as I live.

Jerry.

I'm so glad you made it.

This shirt is hilarious.

Derek and Ben,

will you be my best men?

Got a little competition

for the best man, huh?

Well, you know what

the best best man does.

Excuse me!

Are there any strippers here?

Former strippers?

Non-dancers

but you're feeling

a little bit drunk?

What are you doing?

I'm throwing Andy

an impromptu bachelor party.

It's my duty as best man.

The wedding's in four minutes.

It's that kind of

negative thinking

that makes you

a less good best man.

Hello?

Hi, Ann, it's Leslie,

Leslie Knope from

the Parks Department.

Yeah, I know.

Where are you?

April and Andy are

getting married tonight.

What?

Yeah, I know.

I need you to

get down here, Ann.

I need you to kiss him again

or kiss her or kiss somebody.

I don't know, Ann!

Help me, please!

Relationships are

like scuba diving.

If you come up too fast,

you get the bends.

And the reason why I know this

is because I was

dating a guy once,

and we were scuba diving,

and I told him that I

loved him underwater,

and he shot up really fast,

and he got the bends.

No, Orin, I don't know

how I'm going to die.

Wait. Are you

asking me or telling me?

Hey, can I talk to

you for a second?

Yes, please.

April and Andy are

about to get married.

Wow. My Brita filter's older

than their relationship.

Wait a second.

Should I change

my Brita filter?

I don't know.

It depends on how

frequently you use it.

True.

Stay focused, okay? Please.

The point is two boneheads,

whom I love dearly,

are about to

sacrifice their future

'cause they haven't thought

this thing through.

And nobody seems

concerned about this.

Attention, everybody.

Mesdames and... Missoirs.

If you would do

me the obligation

of having your honor,

heretofore, in the room

doth right over there,

hence.

What?

Big event in that room,

15 minutes.

Oh, my God.

This is really happening.

I love April and Andy.

I want them to stay together.

And that is why I have

to stop their wedding.

Hi, guys,

remember how I told you

there was going to

be a surprise later?

Well, the surprise is

you are not actually

at a dinner party.

You're at our wedding.

All right.

Let's do this.

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE:

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here today

to marry Andrew Maxwell Dwyer

and April Roberta Ludgate.

I guess I kind of

hate most things.

But I never really

seem to hate you.

So, I wanna spend

the rest of my life with you.

Is that cool?

Yes.

Is it my turn?

Yes.

"April, you're

the most awesome person

"I have ever known

in my entire life.

"I vow to protect

you from danger.

"I don't care if

I have to fight

"an ultimate fighter,

or a bear, or him,

"your mom...

I would take 'em down."

Andy.

I'm getting mad right now

even thinking about it.

I'm telling you.

It's okay.

I wanna spend

the rest of my life,

every minute, with you.

And I'm the luckiest

man in the galaxy.

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE:

And now the rings.

By the power vested in me

by the State of Indiana,

I now pronounce

you husband and wife.

Go fly away.

Fly!

Fly!

Wings of love.

Okay. All right.

So that one is dead.

We know that.

You wouldn't have

been able to stop it,

you know.

I could've yelled something

or tackled someone.

But you didn't,

because deep down,

you knew it

wouldn't have mattered.

Those kids are gonna do

what they wanna do.

They may have just

ruined their lives

on an impulse decision.

Leslie, I got married twice.

Both times, I was

a lot older than those two.

And both marriages

ended in divorce...

And a burning effigy.

Who's to say what works?

You find somebody you like,

and you roll the dice.

That's all anybody can do.

Wait. Weren't you

married three times?

Oh, my God, you're right.

I get to burn another effigy.

The key to burning

an ex-wife effigy

is to dip it in paraffin wax

and then toss

the flaming bottle

of isopropyl alcohol

from a safe distance.

Do not stand too close

when you light

an ex-wife effigy.

My sister is lame,

but Andy's sort of cool.

I guess I kind of

see why he'd marry her.

Also, if anyone

finds my gray hoodie,

I lost it.

Thanks.

That was beautiful.

You two remind me

of me and my husband, George.

I gotta nail the speech.

So I brought in an expert.

Jean-Ralphio.

Can I throw something on you,

see if it feels good?

Sure.

Okay, this is what I would do.

I would start with a joke.

Joke, Vince Vaughn quote,

obviously.

Swingers or Crashers?

Fred Claus.

Talk about

Andy's ex-girlfriends.

Quote from Love Actually.

Hold back your tears. Pause.

Drop the microphone.

Get out of that bitch.

I wish you the best of luck,

to both of you.

Thank you, Grandma.

How could anyone

ever possibly top that?

Am I right?

So, thank you all

for all the talking.

Let's just get

back to dancing, huh?

Cool. See you around, maybe.

That went better, right?

Yes, it did.

However, he proudly told me

that he "beat herpes."

I'm sorry, Donna.

I'm gonna go home.

I just found out

Andy's getting married.

So?

So that's my ex-boyfriend.

We were together for

a really long time.

All right.

What?

What? Listen,

you are a hot, young doctor.

I'm a nurse, actually.

Okay, I don't know you.

But I do know that you

can fix your attitude.

Do you wanna go home

and feel sorry for yourself

about a man you

didn't wanna marry?

Or do you wanna go

talk to that cute boy,

who has been looking at you,

and give him your number

before I throw him

in my Benz for myself?

All right.

I just wanna thank

my family, my friends,

most importantly,

my best best man,

Mr. Tom Haverford.

Oh! Coolest guy I know.

And, ladies,

he's single, I think.

You're not still married,

are you?

No.

But you... You're straight?

Yes.

Jean-Ralphio's just a friend?

Yeah.

Yeah!

Anyways,

oh, my God, I'm married!

This is crazy.

What happened?

But, seriously,

life is short, right?

Uh, just... I really

think you should just do

whatever makes you happy.

That's what April and I did.

We are in love.

So we didn't overthink it.

I mean, seriously,

I cannot emphasize

how little we

thought about this.

Am I right?

All right, well, this is

a song I wrote for you,

April Roberta Ludgate.

I love you.

I love you.

Yeah, yeah

Oh, Grandma

April, there's so little time

The things I really want to do

Let's fly to the sky

It's so awesome

Exactly. Mortality.

See, I like to take

each day at a time.

There's nothing

in the world we can't

accomplish if we try.

I have to go.

It's been great

talking to you.

Hey.

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna

say another word.

This is your day.

I just wanted to say that...

I'm really glad you're here.

I think you're awesome,

and I love you.

What's the deal with

that hot girl, April?

What's the deal with her?

Yeah.

Like, is she good to go?

Like, is she down to clown?

She's married.

She got married,

like, 20 minutes ago.

Oh, my God.

That's the same

girl from the thing.

From the wedding ceremony,

yeah.

All the good ones

are taken, huh, bro?

Yeah.

Hey.

You should stay.

Don't go back to Indianapolis.

You should stay here.

You think?

Yeah. Yes.

It's a great

city here, you know?

And there are great people.

And you've made

a lot of friends.

And what are you gonna do?

You gonna go

back to your old job

and hack up people's budgets?

Stay here.

Help us build something.

I already accepted the job.

I'm staying here.

That's good.

Yeah, I think so.

Orin's behind me, isn't he?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay.

So just keep your eyes on me.

Okay.

Don't panic,

'cause he can smell fear.

What do I...

Just keep talking to me.

Hi.

How are you?

Good. How are you?

How was the wedding?

Run!

"Hey, Ann, it was great

talking to you last night.

"Hope we can get

together soon."

Okay, now you write,

"Who is this?"

Hey, you guys,

we got a video

from April and Andy.

Oh. Okay.

How you guys doing?

Hey, we're on our honeymoon.

It is awesome.

We're at Burly's family

vacation house

on Lake Michigan.

We're having so much fun.

Except for Roberta, here,

turns out,

sucks at water skiing.

Oh, my God.

So bad. I'm gonna divorce you.

Andy sucks at driving a boat.

And I'm gonna divorce him,

probably right now.

Well, they're still together.

You owe me 20 bucks.